Day One & HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONY!!!!!

Self Care Cards:
Listening: Listen to your wise self; Let your inner compass direct the course of your life.

Silence: Rest your mind; Silence is good self-care.

Dance: Step into the light; Share your gifts and talents with the world.

Goddess Cards:
Goddess of Illumination: “I learn from mistakes and grow wise and strong.” Use this gift when angry with yourself or other people for having made what you consider to be a mistake.  Expectations are often unreasonable, especially the expectation that you can go through life without making mistakes of having to deal with the mistakes of others.  Successful people know that mistakes are valuable learning experiences.

Goddess of Truth: “I make my highest ideals real by my actions.”  Use this gift when you notice that you or someone else is not living up to the standards you have set.  Forgive them and yourself for this and appreciate the fact that you noticed.  We must be agents of the changes we want to see happen in the world.  Realize the truth of the old saying.  “A good example is the best sermon.”

Goddess of Courage: “I invent creative solutions to the challenges in my life.” Use this gift when you are confronted with a situation that seems impossible to deal with.  Sometimes it is better to study a problem until you understand it well and then put it out of your mind for a while.  Many scientists and mathematicians have reported that their inventions and creative solutions came to them in a dream or in the reverie of a daydream.

**********

Ok so I realize this is a lot to take in today, but it’s funny I found my journal from when I quit smoking.  Taking it, and several things with me to work today that I used when I quit smoking seemed a fitting thing to do.  It was interesting to read the thoughts and things that continually came up when I was going through the process of quitting.  Very interesting indeed.

The above mentioned cards are part (sort of) of the decks of cards I used when I would take 15 minutes before work everyday back in 2001.  When I quit smoking I was so ready (even if I didn’t think I was).  I think today I’m ready for the other things I must do (as referenced in my earlier post).

But now before I begin, I need something from you readers.  I need you to comment.  I mean ALL of you that actually give a damn about what I’m doing in my life.  I know many read and a few post but I need to know that what you read in here will be accepted and that you will support me.  This blog for the first time since 2004 when it was created will (hopefully) serve a bigger purpose than just a place for my rants.  It will be the place I show you folks my awakenings (  But because of this it will be highly personal.  I will deal with the fact that anyone “Could” stumble across it and read it, and I’m ok with that because they don’t know me.  But YOU dear reader, do.  So I need to know that you are ok with my deepest fears, thoughts, and struggles.  So please respond.  Let me know you’re out there and supporting me.

Now onto the funny thought of the day.  I hadn’t realized that because I’m so used to typing now, just HOW bad my handwriting sucks!  I mean really!  It’s awful lol.  I had to write out the above things in my journal (because that’s all personal for me ;) )  and by the time I was done my hand was cramping! And my writing looked like that of a doctors! Lol.  I need to practice some :D

Crony was nice to me today.  I think she must have had a good weekend.  She even offered me some breakfast.  And she laughed with me on something, I mean WOW.  

I don’t remember my dreams last night, but I do remember that I dreamt.  I hate when I don’t remember them.  I dream so infrequently anymore (at least that I remember).  When I do dream I like to write them down even in parts.  I found my dream journal the other day and all I can say is WOW! lol I had some strange ass dreams!

I woke up with a sinus headache today *yuck*.  But I was able to get rid of it, and get functioning today.  Thank you to Dana for the Ibuprofen that I took this morning to help keep the headache away!

I also started my vitamin program again today.  I’ll need to buy some more things soon so pray I get the money to do so in this upcoming check… For those of you that are interested, I do the following.

At night (every other day or so) I take an herbal supplement to help me get tired earlier so I’m not up so late.

Every morning I take herbal St. John’s Wort to make sure I’m not a crabby ass bitch while I eat less and force myself to do things I am not used to doing :P

I also take everyday either a Vitamin C supplement or a one a day vitamin geared towards weight loss.  I alternate these because quite frankly I’m low on both and I can extend them by using them wisely (


That’s the vitamin arrangement for now.  Sometimes I add specific herbs/vitamins as needed.  (I did study homeopathic remedies so I assure you I’m safe).  Also, while at home, I will (hopefully) take the time required to fill and turn on my fountains as well as set some aromatherapy oil burning, light some sage and get rid of negativity that has found its way to me.  Last but not least,  (and pray for me on this one lol) I go for a walk everyday.

That’s the plan in motion and more often than not, I know I will fail.  I’ve become used to doing what I want, when I want it, and have lost some discipline.  I’m hoping that the clear mind in the morning, enough sleep and better health will allow me to see clearer so I do what I know I need to do.

For those of you who have known me a long time, you know I have incredible strength.  For those of you who have known me only a short time you’ve only seen the depression.  That will still exist; I think I will always struggle with that given my past etc.  But hopefully you’ll get to see the person I really am, the one you only just get a glimmer of now.  

Hope springs eternal…  

Friday, whew... I made it through another week of my life :P

I don’t know what is the matter with crony.  Hot, cold, hot, cold… I can never read her right.  Today’s issue was that I was tired and she approached me about some ECATS (contract approval).  The contract group says they sent it to me on 1-4.  For those of you that know me I file EVERYTHING, even my replies.  So I checked and no email from them.  So then I go to look at something else and she’s like “It SAYS right here” and I said “I KNOW what it says, I…” and she cuts me off with, “My God, sorry”.  I said “I was just finishing that sentence with; I already read what it says”.  And now she’s been in Sharon’s office with the door closed and isn’t talking to me now.  It’s like do you even realize that just two days ago you snapped at me???  Even if what I said could be construed as “attitude” it’s not nearly as bad as the shit she’s said to me in months past.  

Not only that, but Julie confirms to me what I already knew… but still hard confirmation that NOTHING said in this office is said in confidence.  NOTHING.  So that means every thing I’ve spoken to Sharon about in a confidential employer/employee relationship has been passed on.  Even if people don’t speak of it (though I’ve had sufficient evidence to know they DO), they still are privy to things that I’ve shared with Sharon because she’s my boss.  This means financial disclosures (when trying to ensure I get my paycheck on time, which I still have to do routinely), health concerns (when I’ve been sick short of details, she knows why I’m sick so I’m sure the office does now), and my own personal endeavors outside that have come up in conversation between us.  (I.e. potential dates, etc).  I had example of this way back when I started when Crony one day made a comment while we were talking “OH, well I know how you don’t ever go out anywhere, and you like it.”  At this point I had not once even spoken to Crony outside the work context.  Julie however, purposely told things about herself as a test to people in the office and WATCHED it go through the office.  It’s just insane.

I’ve applied at a few jobs recently closer to home.  It’s time.  I like that I can sit here and do nothing and get paid for it, but as much fun as that can be (I mean come on I wrote digital soup on ENG time), it can also be boring as hell.  I have no projects that are in the middle of their full swing right now and all I do is sit here and eat because I’m SOOO BORED.

Not only that, I need to make more money, just because I USED to.  Aside from that I need insurance, and damnit I need 401K.  I’ve dropped all games now except TSO (yes, I reactivated WoW, but it will probably only be for a month), and after July I’m really tightening the belt.  Between now and July I really really need to be more strict on money or I wont have the bills paid off that I want to.  If I do this right, I can pay bills off, AND save some money.  Then next year I can save a HUGE amount.  All this and not having to move home with my mother.  Granted if I move home with my mother, even with storage I can put away a good couple of grand (even living with her for 6 months) but I’m petrified of that prospect.  I remember what life was like with her before my marriage and while we’re older it doesn’t mean we’ll get along any better now…

As far as relationships, I really want to date again.  I’m tired of sitting at home with nothing to do and no one around me.  Everyday the pressure of wanting  a relationship mounts and it’s become so much so that sometimes I don’t even want to be on the computer.  And when I am like that I get SOO much done.  Let me clarify here, it’s not that I feel I need a relationship to complete me, but that I feel I’m ready to learn about HAVING a relationship and sharing, and wanting to support, share and take care of someone who will do the same for me.  

I really do not want anymore empty promises, empty words, or to be strung along.  I’m looking for something real.  If I never find it, then so be it… but I don’t want to be deluded anymore.  So if you’re interested in me (whether online or offline) get off your ass and do what you need to do to make it happen.  If you think you have an interest in me, TELL ME.  If you wish to meet me, then DO SO.  Because if it’s not right in front of my face, then it’s not real and as much as I’ll accept who people are, I won’t accept them into my heart like a partner without the real life aspect of it.

Today, I’m strong… we’ll see how I fair any other day.  

I’m really trying hard to lose weight.  Thank you to everyone who says I’m beautiful no matter my weight.  The thing that’s hardest for you all to see because all you see is the depression is that I DO believe I’m beautiful, but I DETEST my body.  I can’t stand even to look at myself.  I avoid mirrors unless I’m looking just at my face.  Am I a walking health risk, not yet, but soon I will be.  Am I a what’s it my mom would say?  Two ton tessie? Lol  No, but if I keep going I will be.  My bones support me well, my posture holds me well but it’s too much.  

I have deep fears about this weight issue.  I’ll go with this today and bare my soul to you all.  Treat it gently.

First.  I’m afraid that I will lose weight and meet someone who would only love me for my body.  I’m a beautiful woman, I know this, and I know that in the past and even now (just not so much) people were drawn to me.  I don’t know why, but I know that with my fragile sense of self, I’m afraid that I wont be able to be strong enough to notice someone who’s motives aren’t pure.   THIS is part of the reason I don’t want to lose weight, because I want someone to meet me, love me, and support me as I am now..  

Second.  I’m afraid that even if I DO find that someone now, that when I do lose weight I’ll turn into some different person than I’ve ever been and be snotty etc.  I’m afraid that once I start getting attention again (yes, I used to quite a bit… modeling helped ;) But there is more to a model than a body) that I will easily be dissuaded.  This is another reason I don’t want to lose weight AND this reason too is what helped me GET on this path of gaining weight.  How?  Because I was so afraid of this when I was married, I was afraid that despite never having cheated on anyone in my life, that I would realize I was so miserable in my marriage, that even *I* would cheat if someone showed me attention.  So I began to eat to become invisible…

Third.  And the least of my concerns but a concern nonetheless, is that I will lose weight and be more active and rarely if ever be online anymore.  I’ve had some rude awakenings the past few weeks in that I know who my true friends are now (or at least I think so) so while I’m not afraid of losing touch with *everyone* I am afraid of losing touch with those I’ve built friendships with.  I say this from example.  When I went into hiding I lost touch with all my real life friends.  Dana & Beth (and their families) are the only ones to have stuck around and given a shit about me.  They’ve not given me grief when I didn’t call for weeks (even months) on end.  They’ve not made me feel bad for not going over to see them (for Dana anyway… Beth is in Arizona).  All because I was so self absorbed (and still am sometimes) and hiding online.  I’m terrified that when my life changes I will do this to those few folks I’ve built friendships with online.  I do not want to do that to either group.  

Anyway, now that I’ve laid it down and spoken the deep fears I have maybe just seeing them on paper (even digitally) will have some magic to help them take root in my brain and be plucked like weeds keeping a garden from growing.  

One can hope.

Wednesday... (I know hardly creative but it's factual :P)

Well the day started off not so good.  Crony was in before I was (I was only 5 minutes late).  And yesterday two of the guys in the office had moved some furniture around and cleaned and such. This was done while both the two women (me and Julie) who could have helped were on the phone and were unable to help.  We all had a great time joking about men cleaning etc.  The guys were in on it too.  Anyway I made reference to it today when Crony asked if they had moved stuff.  I said something like “Yes, and we poked fun at them for cleaning” and she jumped all over me.  Saying stuff like “You have a lot of nerve” and I was like why?  And she just walked away.  I’m so tired of trying to be nice to this woman.  Then she goes in Sharon’s office to use the phone.  God only knows what she was doing or saying.  What is the matter with this woman?  I hate sitting out here with her when she’s in one of these moods.  It’s very difficult to work with her.  Especially when she’s so god damn opinionated.  Whatever….

Ok so yesterday I didn’t do so good on my plan :P  But that’s ok today I will.  

I am tired today despite having gone to bed by 11pm.  I slept pretty much all through the night up until 3:30am, when I woke up every half hour.  Don’t know what that was all about..  

Anyone got any leads on any jobs?  I need a new one bad :P

Ok that’s it for now.  
Ta ta

Today's Journey begins with the Fool...

Today do one act of kindness for another:  Call a friend you haven’t called in a long time.  Tell them how wonderful they are.  Enjoy this conversation & tell them you love them.

This morning on your way to work (or when you first get up if on a weekend) say a prayer of thanks for those friends in your sacred heart.  Send them love and light to guide their day.

Well since the only people who even have this link are those in my heart, I send you all love and thoughts of health and joy today.  Whatever life throws at you, today it can be handled.  And tomorrow too, and so on and so on.  

Wish me luck friends, I’m about to embark on a difficult journey.  No not travel related :P you know I can’t stand flying lol.  But a personal one.  Just wish me luck.  

I’m working on another book (I can’t keep still it seems anymore).  But this book is going to be different.  I eluded to it in my earlier posts, but it’s still evolving as we speak.  Once we get the character and story sketched out without gaps, the co-author I’ve chosen and I will begin writing the story.  It is my HOPE, GOAL, etc that writing of the actual novel will take no more than 100 days.  Should be ample time to complete what’s already there.  Then after the initial writing, will come revisions etc.  I expect this will take a minimum of 4 months, and possibly more like 6 months.  

I’m going to also work with my partner to not only publish this on lulu.com, but also market it to publishing firms.  I want to see what that process is like.  The nice thing is the pressure is off because I know at least it will be published, even if no big publishing house wants it.  

In the course of my day I always think of things I can do that I can make a living at.  My current job, customer service in telecommunications, is NOT what I want anymore.  My work shows that as I could care less about it…  I can’t do something I love to do (i.e. soap etc) because then it becomes a “job” and not a passion.  So the medium for me (I think) is to do something I like to do, but is not all consuming passion etc.  Because then I can truly enjoy it while I do it.  The trick is to find something I don’t HAVE to do all the time either…  Hence, writing as an option.  

I believe that writing will not only keep me young (in terms of imagination creativity etc) but will also keep me happy.  I’m most happy when I’m helping others, creating, and expressing myself.  I think this will do all of those things and never (even if successful) become as tedious as a day job would be.  SHOULD I get to the point where I don’t have to work full time but I can write, this is my ultimate goal because then I can write when I want, continue doing the things I want for folks online, and do the things I enjoy like making things etc and giving them to folks.  I think in my thoughts lately THIS is the dream I should pursue.  

The thing that sucks about this is that I do not have the financial means yet to be without a day job so in the interim to my wild success :P   I have to find something I can do that wont kill me…  Which leads me to more thoughts of cutting money.  Perhaps living with my mother is an option that I *should* consider.  I could live practically rent free, and as such get a job that has less pay.  This would allow me to get into a creative career without hurting over a pay cut.  But it would cut my sanity as I’m sure my mother and I would kill each other.

Which brings me to the next thing.  I’ve had a few offers to live with some folks, whether I would move out of state or not, I have had offers… I’m not sure how well I would do in a roommate situation.  If I *had* to do it, I’m sure I would, but the point is I don’t *have* to right now.  I have to determine how much my freedom from responsibility and expectations is worth.  That’s the bottom line lately.  This decision will tell me how much I need to make, and subsequently tell me what I need to do right now.  Sigh
I was afraid after the divorce of living alone.  Not that I couldn’t do it but I had lived with people all my life, first my mother, then my husband.  Now that I’ve been alone for two years, I’m petrified of living with someone again.  I’m very VERY torn over this choice.  I’m hoping that as I pick my head up out of the sand more and more that the answer will come to me because of the things I’ll be doing in my life.  At least I hope so…

For now I must go and find a means to look busy for 8 hours (could I just die please).  Sigh

Random poetry comin atcha
On the verge of destiny, the fool’s step falters
His journey is foretold, his step should be sure
With baited breath in early morning
In the dark stillness he waits
Looking ahead over the proverbial cliff
Neither looking down at what can be his fall
Nor seeing his destination in the distance
Foggy plumes of air escape as he exhales
Waiting for certainty, waiting for strength
The dog nipping at his heels; a warning or a push?
Indecision roots him
Until the sunrise explodes on the scene
Coloring all in the brilliant hues of simple joy
Lighting his form with blissful warmth
Reassured by this natural, unexpected beauty he smiles
And takes the step.
Will you? Will I?

Inspiration for a Muse... and some other things :D

The fact is that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can. ~Robert Cushing


There is nothing as good for the soul as inspiration. Once deposited, like the hopeful planter plants a garden, he knows that with gentle tending the seed will grow. Thank you for the inspiration I was given last night. It has done many things including make me excited today!

Yes, a new project is in the works!

Believe it or not another book is in the brewing. Right now in the cauldron of ideas it’s just a fine mist swirling around, but it has been stirred and tended to. And so it will become something, even if it only becomes an idea that may have been. For now it has purpose. I’ll begin working with my partner (yes, I believe I have a partner for this one :D) to gather materials needed today. I believe that while this probably in the long term WILL be published on lulu.com. I believe I will also be marketing this book to major publishing houses. Who knows right? But I believe it can’t hurt to try.

As for other things, I’m still not 100% well but I’m far better than I was last week. My chest is still sore, but MUCH better than it has been since Sunday. My arrhythmia is almost normal (Hah, what a concept!), and my range of motion has increased so I do believe that it was just perhaps a pulled muscle. Probably was the result of sleeping in a wrong position, given how much sleep I WAS getting lol.

As most of you know because of the change of address for this blog, I had an internet scare recently. Now that it’s two days past the initial scare, I can say it’s not as frightening as it was, however, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Naivety always surrounded me with my online endeavors. The sadness I feel though is because we live in a world where I *can’t* be what I want to be to people. I mean if I wasn’t so naive, I may not have met the few of you that I did online who are now close friends… And yet I have to close those doors in some measure because there are just too many people who abuse what I’ve got to give. It’s a sad state of things.

The few of you who have this new blog link are some of the closest friends I have. The others that aren’t as close to me as real life (yet), are still people considered special and I am glad that you’ve chosen to be a part of my life and this journal. I’m happy to share my ups and downs with you all.

I have some long term goals! WOOHOO :D

The first one is to PERHAPS trademark both Utopia Skye, and Digital Soup Online. The reason for this is because I want Utopia Skye to be what I have always envisioned it to be; a place for creative expression. And I want Digital Soup Online to grow too and become the project of light that I think it should be. Even if its only online with a magazine, newsletter and monthly artistic contributions, I think it has it’s place in Utopia Skye.

As far as Utopia Skye, it is a secret goal of mine (not so secret anymore lol) that Utopia Skye would be a place for people to learn how to express themselves, learn how to write, and eventually either learn how to get published and have Utopia Skye as a company help, OR have Utopia Skye do the publishing. Could you imagine Utopia Skye books? Additionally, as much as I hate the radio sometimes for its cost to me, and for the time it eats up, I LOVE it for the creativity and joy it brings people. My goal for the station is to have it become a legitimate (meaning not just internet) station. Perhaps a satellite station so people who DJ can be all over. I think these two things alone would really fulfill the goal that I never knew I had, the day I chose the name Utopia Skye for my property online. It’s funny I always think of these great people who did these great things, and I think “Ha, I don’t have time to do that! Or how did they think of that?” Well I understand now. Everything Utopia Skye has done, become, shared has EVOLVED into what it is. It started as just a property, but became known as the house of light, and then the radio was added, etc etc etc.

The even funnier piece is the Isle of Skye that goes along with Utopia Skye. For years people asked me if Utopia Skye was based on the Isle of Skye in Scotland. I laughed lightly and said no, but I never checked it out. Well I did just recently and have been scouring the net for pictures and more information. If you’ve ever heard me mention my sanctuary, I can’t think of a better place that emulates that, then the Isle of Skye. There are some websites posted on Utopia Skye that detail this place of beauty. It truly is EVERYTHING I’ve ever envisioned that Utopia Skye was. I really want to visit there, and should I ever get married; perhaps I would honeymoon there. It’s simply beautiful.

Anyway, I’ll be posting on the new project soon I think, because while myself and my partner have yet to decide the finer details like levels of involvement etc., I truly believe that people in Utopia Skye can still assist in this and really be a part of something that as one person fueled me to believe, can be the next big Harry Potter type thing. I’ll need proofreaders, people who can draw. I’ll also need graphic artists and so much more. The project is barely more than a whisper, but it’s gaining volume and while it’s low enough to not be deafening, I think preparations should be made :). This is a serious project by the way, and I will approach it (hopefully) with the same zeal and care that I did Digital Soup Online.

Oh goodness me, looky this… I’ve gone and written a book here and put you all to sleep :P Wakey, Wakey… wouldn’t want you to miss work or something ;)

Xo
~S

Why...

I’ll never understand what it is that makes people be anything but nice to others.

Why are people constantly thinking of ways to treat each other badly?
Why do people make up schemes to get something from others?
Why not just ask?  
Why do they hurt each other when all you have to do to be happy is just be open?
And finally
WHY would people take advantage of something so genuinely positive, that is given freely to make people happy… WHY


I do not understand people.  Sometimes when I think about it as bad as this sounds it makes me so sad I wish I wasn’t here.  Especially when I see what people do to each other.  Where would I go? Some remote cave to escape it? Because we’ll never ever be anything good for each other.

/rant off

Random poetry
You don’t want to hear what I would write here today.. not right now.

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. ~George Sand

Tuesday – Valentine’s Day...

Well I hope everyone had a good weekend :) I myself spent all of Friday through Monday sick. It was weird it was like I just couldn’t sleep enough. So I slept… a LOT. Weird hours, mainly I was up during the wee hours of the morning. Friday I had fever and aches, the rest of the weekend I just couldn’t sleep enough, and Monday I had chest pain. That’s the scary part, chest pain. It was like I pulled a muscle but even today it still persists. I’ll give it two more days (that’s about how long a sprained muscle needs to heal). If the chest pain isn’t gone then I’ll go to the doctors. So don’t you all worry ;)

Many thanks for the lovely gifts I received today. They are appreciated in their own right :)

Not much else has been going on except that Digital Soup Online was featured in Lulu’s Newsletter as #4 of the top 5 featured books :D They also put my interview with the listing which was nice. Because of that alone (I believe) two more copies have sold. We are now at twice the minimum donation that I had hoped for and that makes me happy. People should start receiving their books now and I hope they’ll enjoy them. Give me feedback! I would love to hear what you think :)

For now folks until I can think of more to write, Happy Valentine’s Day and know you are loved for the beautiful soul that you are…

xoxo
~S

Wednesday and my glass is half full, but approaching half empty...fast

Hump day …

Well today is hump day, the day of the week that for some brings about happiness (Yay Friday is only two days away!) or for others brings about depression (damnit it’s only Wednesday two WHOLE MORE days to go before Friday).  So where do you fit? :P

I fit somewhere in the middle depending on what’s happening around me.  Right now I sit on the happy side, because I’m expecting a copy of Digital Soup Online to be delivered to me today.  I ordered one hardcopy and one soft bound.  I’ll have to order more to get it to Andersons, but for today I can’t wait to get it and see what it really looks like.  I know people at work are looking forward to it as well.  

I haven’t been pulling affirmations in about two weeks.  I’d been so busy with the book and then now after its publication I’ve not thought about pulling them..  I know, bad.  I’ll begin again tomorrow.  Today instead I offered up some intentions for people I know and for myself.  All day I’ve decided I will do this as I think of people I will offer up an intention for something, be it happiness, joy, peace, strength, health whatever…

I have nothing going on in my life right now that is worth mentioning, or that can be mentioned.  Strange to look at this empty page and see the swirl of thoughts, ideas, and happenings that cannot be represented.  Aside from having to sort them out myself, I just wouldn’t know how to even put them down without them looking like spattered matter with no purpose.  

I’m going to try and write today.  If you see my writings look to them for veiled meanings, because as of late my poetry/stories/etc is the only way I can express myself without second guessing.

Sue