Reflections on Love

As someone who tasted the sweet wine of what I thought was love before and realized it came with a very bitter pill at the end....  I've a few things to say on the subject of love.

I once was a romantic.  I dreamed of a man who would somehow weave his way into my heart with both charm and vitality.  A man who would speak to my mind and whisper secrets of the beauty inside that he saw.  Someone who would respect that I was strong and shelter me when I was not.  Someone who would hold my hand through the storm and catch me if I fell.  This man, in his unwavering way would peel away all the layers of what was a broken heart and diligently show me the mirror image of myself in his eyes as he looked on each tear I've shed and loved me more for having them.

It's a beautiful image this one.

The world for most of us has a tinge of jade to it.  We've played with the marbles and cards and for some of us realize there is nothing more than this.  We live, we work, we find some happiness we may even think we love... but this is all.

Then out of the blue, amid all the constant repetitions of "I dont need love", the firm belief that love would interrupt our "PLAN" or change us into some raving lunatic....It happens.

And suddenly the film of our life gets more colorful.  Flowers smell divine instead of just nice.  Problems are never insurmountable and handled with a smile. And even the most insurmountable... death can be thwarted by the power of this love.

I was heading down this road.  I had lived alone successfully for a long enough time after my divorce that really I was ok.  I made a few bad decisions in my heart but i was otherwise ok.  I knew how to find joy and I could find whatever I wanted on MY terms.  My mother was getting older but still somewhat spry.  I was successful in my job (though I hated my job).

And in he walked...and my world turned upside down.

They say fate or divinity works in mysterious ways and sometimes the two intertwine.  I think this was just such an occasion. I wasn't even prepared for it.  And when the flowers all of a sudden bloomed brighter, richer, larger than before even then I wasn't aware.  But when food suddenly tasted better and the energy of my youth came to me and said "Go ahead try that new thing it's ok" I started to realize something was different.

Just when I realized, and started to open up to this love unlike any love I'd ever felt my world crashed down all around me.  My mother got worse very quickly and I got very sick nearly overnight ALL AT ONCE. I was literally treading water in a sea of sharks because the pier I had been standing on not only dropped out from under me, it just disappeared.  And into the deep I fell.

My sickness was pretty bad.  My mothers....worse.  What began for both of us in October of last year continued into this year.  In January we lost her while I was deep in the throes of my illness. This man who brought his heart to mine, stood by me the whole time. He became my beacon, my anchor, my rock.  He was there during chemo, during hospital stays where we weren't sure I was going to make it, during funerals, emotional upheavals, more bad news, staggering weight gain from meds, worsening states of health from the disease... He built a pier of love right under me while I flailed about in fear and reassured me that no matter what, it would be ok.  I mean I could go on and on but now I'm so filled with emotion that I can't see the screen.

The point of all of these words, is he stayed. He came and brought my world to a completely different place. He took fear and panic and gently massaged them away with love and helped me to even laugh on occasion. And when others like my family, my friends, pretty much everyone, left me; he stayed. He held my hand.  He held my heart. He wiped my tears away and shared in them too. He cradled my soul when it fractured under the weight of it all.  And when I could have died, he held me close to his heart and simply told me how much he loved me.  He shook his fist in the face of all of this and somehow perhaps through sheer will alone, helped me survive.

So many years ago 1993 to be exact, I said I do to someone.  I don't regret saying I do, or subsequently saying I don't 10 years later. Because in the very thin wisps of the threads created by divinity that bind us in life; those which began so long ago is where this love started.  He didn't know it then, we didn't know it then; but now on that same day 23 years later in a place only a handful share with us; we created our own memory and came home. And on that same day this year we share in that memory again this time physically in our home now, together.

I'm no expert on love.  I've lost more than I've loved and I've been deeply hurt; the scars of which sometimes still ache.  But for the first time in my life starting a few years ago now if I'm being honest; I can finally say I really do know what love is.  Love is unconditional (yes it really is), love is transparent (always), love is making someone smile, and when life is difficult being sure to love with all your heart even and absolutely always in the face of adversity.

I know this writing isn't my best but if there is only one thing you get from reading it....   It is that I love you with every cell of my being, with my soul, with every thought, every smile and every tear. I love you.  Lets plant our roses and walk our path together because that's our home.

Our dance last year in the Golden Touch Theater production "Reflections" a piece so dear to my heart.

Sun - for Deb Loughlin

Today is a mixed emotions day. 

I know a wonderful man.  I used to work for him.  His name is Marty.  He has a beautiful family: a wife, and wonderful kids.  4 years ago, his wife was diagnosed with cancer.  He became her advocate.  Then when their son was also diagnosed with cancer, he became their champion. Together as a family, they fought bravely and passionately.  They grew in their faith, their bond deepening. 

I knew Deb through Marty. I knew her to be full of smiles and joy. I knew her love for her family was never ending and her faith abundant. 

Today, she left this world.

The news caught me at work. I never thought that this day would come with her passion, fighting, and faith. So the news had me reeling. I was left very sad for Marty and his family, who, even despite this profound loss, are posting of the joy she was in their lives. Their testament is beautiful to witness. 

Today I cry sad tears for the immense loss the world suffers. To know a woman like Deb even vicariously is to know sheer and utter joy. To miss that joy leaves an infinite well of sadness I can't quite explain.  But I know that her words touched me.  Her light, smiles, faith, willingness to fight, and grace through such hardship touched me. The human spirit is tenacious and the heart limitless.  

I never had the pleasure of being her friend or knowing her deeply like others, but I mourn the loss of her light.  The world would be far better if people lived and loved like this family.

Some of you know I do Virtual Theater.  The Golden Touch has been my safety and comfort in a very harsh world. Through my work here and with charitable organizations like Relay for Life, I've learned what it means to love with no limits. This is a lesson Deb shared with me through her words, through Marty, and through her joy. She touched me without ever seeing me, and I am forever blessed for having known her.

My prayers and love to her family, friends, extended friends, and strangers united through her.  We are all connected.  

This is 44

When I want to write, nothing comes; when I have no time to write I am inundated with all the things I would say.  Eloquent phrases and literary works of art spring to mind to torment me knowing I have no outlet to express them.  At least not at that minute.

I visited a site today that I've been on for 12 years now (holy crap!).  It's called Allpoetry.  And since 2003 I've been posting poems there.  Granted I've been absent for a few years here and there but I always go back.  I was quite prolific back in the day.  I don't find the time/energy/look a new shiney!/writers block gets me/space to write as much anymore.

But I wanted to today.  And I fear even this post, on paper as it were, will be lacking the creative perfection that these same words seem to carry as they careen about in my head.

Two years ago, I took a picture or two or 10 displaying for all who would see what my version of 42 looked like.  No, I wont post them here.  I'm not going to take pictures this year.  In fact I have no CLUE what I'm going to do to ring in 44.  It's not a particularly special number now is it?  It's not even halfway to the big 5-0.  But you know, I never really celebrate my birthday anyway.  I learned early on that it really didn't matter (and not because it didn't matter but because people never showed).  It wasn't until I met people online who showed me the importance of the day of my birth. I've yet to bring that special feel, here outside, in reality.

Jesus I sound so melancholy.  *erases everything*

Right fuck that age crap.  yes I'm turning 44 but god damn do I feel good!

I still suffer depression
I still suck at getting in touch with people who are not online
I still suck at sitting down and writing that damn novel
I'm still overweight (which really sucks honestly)

But I have love.

^ Yea that.  So what could be wrong? Right here in this moment, where I sit typing away at my computer there isn't a damn thing wrong. I'm not melancholy, I'm not angry, I'm actually happy.

So all you guys get is my random sputterings, but hopefully you get the message.  All is well, and I have love.  And that is the single most important thing to me.  (Well that and bacon...)

Angels with one wing...

I was going to write a week ago about how little I trust people anymore. How friends are not what you think they are anymore. How surprising it is now in this world of immediate gratification that even friends do not stand up to the test of time.

I was going to write how dismayed I am at the inability of people to commit to something and see things from another's perspective. To be willing and able to understand by wearing someone else's shoes what they go through. To look from a higher level and see that situations sometimes are beyond our control, and all we can do is handle them as honorably, as we can and try to appreciate them for that.

I was going to further write about how I feel like I am a dying breed sometimes. How when I commit to fight for something, I continue to fight for it. How I'm not perfect, but am completely flawed in so many ways but my heart is in the right place.

Lastly I was going to write how one hurt after another beginning in August has been lavished on me. How much I felt like there was no one left I could count on. That all my efforts at many things had been in vain and worse a regrettable waste of time.

These are all true statements. They are all true sentiments. But they are flawed.

They take a specific incident (or multiple incidents) and target everyone for for a few people's careless actions or thoughtless words.

I find that usually in what I perceive to be my darkest hour, when one thing after another continues to be piled on; that inevitably someone steps in and shines through the dark. A whispered word can sometimes be enough, a hand to hold, a song link sent to me by someone who doesn't even know what I'm going through. How that one thing alone can be strong enough to lift the seemingly impenetrable burden of dark.

This post is in thanks to all those people who may not even know that by their well timed words have brought me a smile or peace. It is a reflection of what I see happening in the dynamics of relationships, that things still happen and sadly worse than ever before in this immediate age; but there are still some of us out there. Some of us who love, who try hard, who fail but get up and try again; and we support each other even in our own dark times. And even though we seem to be few and far between sometimes, the fact that we ARE there can make all the difference in the world.

Thank you for you.

Muse

We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another. ~Luciano de Crescenzo

I speak, Reflections, Releasing the Songbird

My days move up and down like the slow rolling hills seem to do. One moment you see everything ahead of you, the clear path, and the next you're in the valley with walls around you and shadows dancing with your thoughts.

I wake and try to be grateful for the day. I listen to music with my heart and try each moment to open it just a little wider. My scars on my heart shine more than my light it seems these days. But there are moments still. It seems to take a little more warm candlelight than I remember, but … there are moments.

I cling to those moments when I sit alone like tonight, thinking of what to do. Seeing the various faces of those around me now completely different than the faces that once were, even recently. I get contemplative a lot it seems. The words, emotions, thoughts don't see m to carry the darkness they once did back in 2004. I was so full of hurt back then.

I hurt now too. But thankfully, I'm a bit wiser too (I think)

I know when to look at my own doings and recognize the part I may have played in some of these hurts. I know too when to not shoulder any of the blame. And I'm not afraid to say I've done no wrong. Nor am I afraid to say “I'm sorry”.

For a long time I forgot who I was. I forgot what my core is. Along the way friends have dropped like travelers off to distant worlds, only they have not come back. For those I shoulder regret. It was my distance that allowed them the permission to feel the need to move on. But when I look on those regrets they hurt, however they don't maim like they used to.

Maybe there is something to this growing up thing after all .

But I am more aware today than I was yesterday lets say, of every moment that passes me by. I notice the sun move its position bringing with it the dark. I see Helios screaming across the sky running from the coming cold, and Selene his sister, bringing the winter Moon and all it's beauty. I sit stationary more often than ever before. This isn't a bad thing, it just is the way it is.

I find I know less than I did 10 years ago and somehow wisdom in other ways has been imprinted on my soul. I still seek my path. My god, I still seek it at 39. I hope to find it soon.

But to those I've touched who image or name is stamped on my heart and filed away in my library of light.... know you are thought of. And even if I don't know you, know I love you and wish you well.

To those I've not touched in a long time, know too, you are thought of in many ways. And I wish for love, light, happiness to find its way to you even if you don't know it's me that's sent it.

So tonight, I retire, chilled from the winters breath on every breeze. I meditate for peace, and maybe clarity. And I spend my time doing the one thing I know I need to do; shake the rust off the creative wheels and write with my heart. Write not for anyone, but for my heart to finally be free of its bondage. Write for no awards, but the accolades my spirit feels when I dance with paper and pen (or computer and bits and bytes). And release my songbird on paper, from my heart, into the night sky with her wish to be carried gently to the moon.

Be well all.

LadyMuse

PS. Candles are being lit again, check them out (link at the left). Maybe you'll feel the inspiration to light one too.

I Speak

I sit in darkness

Lights move slowly, reaching their destination

Wind speaks to my skin

Eliciting prickled flesh

My ears covered listen intently

Muscle thrums with the music

Shivers begin, creativity flows

the sound washes my mind free of worry

My heart beats picking up the melody

Legs carry me to the wooden portal

Fingers stretch and flex

While slow luxurious words drape my screen

This is my word

My essence

My energy transported through music

To the cold screen

It bears no message

Carries no weight

But still, I speak

©SKW 9-28-10

The things you are to me

Sometimes life sneaks up on us and whisks us away to the hurried demands of the day. And sometimes if we're lucky enough to catch a moment as if it were a falling star. Sometimes we can hold onto it and cherish it. We can "see" and "feel" the moment as it moves through our hearts. These moments suspend time in a near fantastical vision. These are moments when our heart sing, and are minds are at ease. They don't come often, but when they do, they can be cherished.

It's been a long time since I've had such a moment. I've been so busy with what I needed to do. So busy tending to someone, or something; that i had forgotten what it was like to sit pampered for a space of hours doing nothing but being a creature of love, a glowing light in the world of dark.

I am glowing today. I have had the pleasure of being around the nicest person. He transported me to a place of peace and relaxation and this post is for him. Because these moments don't come often; when they do, clutch them tight to your heart. And when they are done file them away in your garden of dreams. Water them and watch the memories grow becoming an eternity instead of the singular moment plucked from the falling stars.

Thank you R. For many things, but especially for slowing the incessant demands of time today with me and just "being" beautiful.

The Things You Are To Me

If I held in my hand,
Every grain of sand
Since time first began to me
Still I could never count,
Measure the amount;
Of all the things you are to me

If I paint the sky,
Hang it up to dry
I would want the sky to be
Oh, such a grand design
An everlasting sign
Of all the things you are to me

Chorus:
You are the sun that comes on summer winds
You are the falling year that autumn brings
You are the wonder and the mystery
In everything I see… the things you are to me

Sometimes I wake at night
And suddenly takes fright
You're my vaguest fantasy
But then you reach for me
And once again I see
All the things you are to me

WoW; A Woman of Worth

In my bloglines I have several blogs that I lurk on. Mainly anymore these days, I lurk. In any event, I absolutely had to post this credo I found from The Path of Modern Goddess. I can think of no more powerful affirmation for my day today than this. Thank you Nicole. Thank you very much.
~*~*~*~*~*~

I am a Woman of Worth
August 10th, 2007

I stumble upon the site of the Woman of Worth Event and found their credo. I loved it and had to tell you gals about it.

THE WOW CREDO
Written by Christine Awram, Founder

I am a Woman of Worth!

My worthiness is inherent, infinite and persevering – it is my natural state.My value is a reflection of who I am - and I am magnificent.
And … who I am – always makes a difference.
I matter!
I am successful – because I come from my true power, which lies within.
I lead through inspiration – from quiet acts of kindness, to leading a nation.
I am empowered – I make choices from the clarity of my heart, mind and spirit.
I am abundant – as the core of my true essence always supports manifestation.
I cherish my relationships – they are part of what makes me strong.
I am a Human BEing – as my BEing is of far more significance than my DOing.
I play and I laugh and I bring beauty and light into the world – I am radiant.
At times I despair and I weep, when I feel the pain of a world that has momentarily gone mad.
Yet even when I tremble through a dark night of the soul, I renew my faith and my courage in a single heartbeat because my spirit is indomitable.
I feel and I care and I am passionate – with a heart as open as the universe.

I am a woman of worth, and I am glorious!

WOW

Because every woman… is a Woman Of Worth.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
May you know your worth today… May it seep from your very heart, into all you do. You are beautiful!

You are a blessing to me everyday.
XO