To the Muse of Fear

Dear Muse of Fear,

I know you're afraid. I understand why you're afraid. But there is no reason to be afraid. The things you think are the downfall of your freedom, the cause of your insecurity, or the tide that threatens to overtake your carefully chartered ship in the sea; are simply things you made up.

Yes, I said that to you. You've a lifetime of experience that most people will never understand. You focus on the darker sides of your experience too often. You can't be blamed for it, it was the way you learned to deal with things. You thought (and yes you can remember thinking these very words can't you?) “I never want to be jaded.... so like toys abandoned in a closet I'll leave these toys of despair tucked away. And if/when I ever feel like I can't understand someone else's point of view, I will take these out and remember”. The problem was instead of remembering from a distance you perpetuated these traumas and terrors.

These have led to a life of decision based on reactions from fear. Fear masquerades quite efficiently. It is the silent charade. It's so good in fact sometimes you don't even see it.

But I knew as I watched you choose a life of freedom 7 years ago. I watched as you fought for your life, and I knew then you wanted this. That fear wouldn't be your consort permanently. So now it's time Muse of fear. It's time for you to take the reigns and continue what you began so long ago. Repeat after me...

Freedom without fear

It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to admit it. It's ok to wonder, but do not mire yourself down in fears that have no basis in reality. I'll hold your hand and we'll make those steps together.

Let's start today.

Warmly,

Sue

To the unforgiving muse

If you do not sow in the spring you will not reap in the autumn. ~Irish Proverb

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Dear Unforgiving Muse,

I have looked upon your antics for a very long time with a kind eye. I’ve been sympathetic to your plight. Recently though, I became aware of a very powerful tool that can be used to begin the cleansing process. A simple sentence was uttered that changed everything. When you became aware of this you gave it a try, delving with the eagerness of a new student into the realms of possibility. What you discovered however, you were not prepared to handle.

I watched you then as a truth penetrated the stone fortress of pain you had built around you. It found a small crack and wormed its way into the core of your belief. Your reaction I watched, and in dismay noted that you became quiet, sullen, even withdrawn.

I can not sit by idly anymore. Where you cannot take control, I will. It is why I write this letter, because for too long you were fractured and I am determined that you will be whole again.

Realize I understand intimately the pain you felt. It has shaped your decisions, your life, and your direction ever since. But when the sun came out again you didn’t look at it and that was where your mistake was. You kept your eyes down and the hurt that was once normal, became a wound infected.

You must let go, you must forgive and before you can forgive the one person you thought was the source of this pain, you must do something you didn’t think you had to do.

You must forgive yourself.

The hardest thing in this world to do is to clean your own “house”. You recognized that day you approached the idea of forgiveness… that this was what you had to do. Yet you shrank away. I’m here to tell you, to grab you by the hand and TELL you that you WILL do this, you CAN do this, and you WILL succeed and be free.
So we start now, publicly, together, by saying these few things and opening the door to the beauty that for too long has been buried underneath the pain in my heart:

Unforgiveness is a form of abuse. I will no longer abuse myself.

I do from this moment forward forgive myself for the things I noticed but didn’t pay attention to. I forgive myself for wanting so badly to get out of the house that I lied to myself. I forgive myself for making decisions further impacting my life, using the badge of “marriage” as my excuse, when they were really choices made to help me avoid the truth. I forgive myself for all the things I know in my heart I did, said, or perpetuated because of the hurt I held inside. And lastly, and most importantly, I forgive myself because I deserve to be forgiven... I deserve to be free.

This is just the start Unforgiving Muse. Expect a lot of changes around here. But today, just for today, start with these words. Say these words, believe these words. Change them from a foreign language to a language inherent to your heart. And when you’re ready I’ll be right here forgiving you, loving you, and moving on with you.

Warmly,
Sue

A letter of Goodbye (Long Overdue)

“With every ending, something new begins.” ~Maxine Cates

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Dear Reclusive Muse,

The time has come and can no longer be denied. I’ve tried to avoid it, but regardless it’s here. It is time for us to part ways.

You came and offered me quiet seclusion at a time when I needed that the most. When I needed to shut down the voices of insanity as my world changed dramatically, you appeared and gave me peace. You became my very close friend, shutting out almost all others, leaving just four determined people who wouldn’t let go of me, (in my original “real life” circle of friends).

I don’t mean to be all negative here; it wasn’t all bad for us. In fact, you helped bring about some good changes for me, I recognize that. But in the end your style, the closed door and closed mind approach to life as it happened around me but didn’t involve me, is not the style of life I wish to lead any longer.

It seems in my life, two times now that I can think of, I’ve had awakenings. This second awakening is one that just can’t be ignored. Even if I wanted to ignore it, other forces are at work bringing about people and circumstances in my life that force me to be aware. And you know what?

I like it.

I like being in control of what I feel (to a certain extent). I like not being even sadder than I already was, when I couldn’t call someone (and you know, I really could not call at times.) because of my depression. I like feeling the warmth of my soul’s glow when I share with others, when I give and receive hugs, when I allow people to see me. I love the possibilities that have become available to me even while I wasn’t actively seeking them.

I do not doubt my old friend, that I will see you again. That perhaps from time to time you will offer your seductive reclusion to me and I might even accept, even just for a day. But I have to be firm and tell you here and now, that it is time for our goodbye.

I smile fondly knowing you were what I needed, but I smile warmly now, knowing this is the right choice for me. I bid you adieu reclusive muse…with no regrets.

Warm regards,
Awakened/Social/Happy Muse