Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I am Enough...


You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. ~ Buddha

I am a radiant expression of the Goddess energy/Great Spirit/Christ within. ~Unknown

I am enough.
You don’t have to do it all, be it all, or overcome it all and certainly not in one day. You are enough, allow yourself to feel that accomplishment of just being..
*****
Day two of not enough sleep. I do not know what is wrong with me, or if I just have a lot of crap running around in my head. At least I got about 3 hours sleep last night. *sigh*

Today, due to some blogging issues I was unable to update before everyone made it into the office. Sorry to do this again, but I'll update throughout the day so check back :)

Have a fabulous day!
*****
DAILY INSPIRATION

Increasing the Light – Brought to you by DailyOM
Raise Your Vibration

Everything in the universe is made of energy. What differentiates one form of energy from another is the speed at which it vibrates. For example, light vibrates at a very high frequency, and something like a rock vibrates at a lower frequency but a frequency nonetheless. Human beings also vibrate at different frequencies. Our thoughts and feelings can determine the frequency at which we vibrate, and our vibration goes out into the world and attracts to us energy moving at a similar frequency. This is one of the ways that we create our own reality, which is why we can cause a positive shift in our lives by raising our vibration. We all know someone we think of as vibrant. Vibrant literally means "vibrating very rapidly." The people who strike us as vibrant are vibrating at a high frequency, and they can inspire us as we work to raise our vibration.

On the other hand, we all know people that are very negative or cynical. These people are vibrating at a lower frequency. They can also be an inspiration because they can show us where we don't want to be vibrating and why. To discover where you are in terms of vibrancy, consider where you fall on a scale between the most pessimistic person you know and the most vibrant. This is not in order to pass judgment, but rather it is important to know where you are as you begin working to raise your frequency so that you can notice and appreciate your progress.

There are many ways to raise your vibration, from working with affirmations to visualizing enlightened entities during meditation. One of the most practical ways to raise your vibration is to consciously choose where you focus your attention. To understand how powerful this is, take five minutes to describe something you love unreservedly-a person, a movie, an experience. When your five minutes are up, you will noticeably feel more positive and even lighter. If you want to keep raising your vibration, you might want to commit to spending five minutes every day focusing on the good in your life. As you do this, you will train yourself to be more awake and alive. Over time, you will experience a permanent shift in your vibrancy.
*****
WELL WISHES

May your Wednesday be smooth sailing all the way until the end of your day whenever that may be. May you have a smile on your face and may you feel that I am thinking of you today and everyday and wishing you well.

XO
*****
AND REMEMBER:
"If you want your life to be more rewarding, you have to change the way you think." ~ Oprah Winfrey
You cannot touch the stars by keeping your eyes focused on the ground. You simply must look up.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Tuesdays child had a headache... and didn't get much sleep




"Everyone should carefully observe which way his heart draws him & then choose that way with all his strength." (I don't know whose quote this is, but it's my brothers favorite "words of wisdom" & one I hold dear to my heart. submitted by Kelli @ Kelli’s Musings) Thank you Kelli!

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Life is not the body; it is not the mind; it is not the soul. It is a force" ~Don Miguel Ruiz - "the Mastery of Love"

*****
Well the long weekend I had been so anticipating has come and gone. I got a lot accomplished. I nearly finished cleaning out the second bedroom. I did some other cleaning things. I had a great breakfast, I saw some friends, watched a movie with my mom. And all weekend long (except for last night) I slept wonderfully. Now why I ask you was I able to sleep all weekend long and yet last night I tossed and turned so that I only got about 2 hours sleep total. Ugh. Now I'm tired and have a headache (go figure).

My post today will be added to over the course of the day so keep checking back if you want to see more. For now, I leave you with the daily inspirations in the hopes that they will make me too feel better ;)

*****
ADDED AFTER ORIGINAL POSTING

In the process of cleaning up and throwing out, I found some really nice things. They may seem trivial to most, but they are things I enjoy. For example I found a 1999 Chicken Soup for the Soul Calendar. I'm scanning those images in as we speak and will load them up when done. I also found some other nice images, and finally got all my pictures into my one photo box. So many secrets of the past were uncovered ;) like old bills (yuck) and taxes (bleh), but there were some other things I found too... like my old journal. Long before the modernization of journalling now known as "Blogging" :P we used to have things such as pens and paper and for the true innovators, we even had Word Processors! (heh) I found stories I had written, quotes I had written down etc. Here are some of the things I had written down:

On the spring day, my spirit roams the fields of yellow flowers, rising like the choir singing happy praises to fly above the cares of my humanity.

If we aren't love, then what are we except for material... Love is the highest self we can find, if we can find it and become it.

I even found drawings I had done. Heh, I did try drawing a lot more when I was a teen than I did when I was an adult, but I did also find the beach scene I painted (Apparently I stole it from my mother :P). It was nice to find these things. It's funny, the memories that wash over you when you see your past in thoughts, words, prose. Oh! I also found the very first poetry I ever wrote!

Interstingly enough, back before the marriage, back before the man, I was still a woman looking for love. All my life I guess, I've been the seeker of love. My journal is all about that. Maybe if I'm brave, I'll post snippets ;) We'll see...

Have a wonderful day everyone!

*****
DAILY INSPIRATION

If Life is a Game; Then These are the Rules

by: Cherie Carter-Scott
In workshops and retreats, on photocopies and emails, on noticeboards and fridge doors, the 'Ten Rules for Being Human' have been spreading round the world like wildfire, so, in all probability, you've already seen them. In case you haven't, they're brilliant, and here they are, together with Cherie Carter-Scott's summary of how you can use them as a primer for higher consciousness.

Rule One
You will receive a body. You may love it or hate it, but it will be yours for the duration of your life on Earth.

Rule Two
You will be presented with lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called ‘life.' Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or hate them, but you have designed them as part of your curriculum.

Rule Three
There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of experimentation, a series of trials, errors, and occasional victories. The failed experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that work.

Rule Four
A lesson is repeated until learned. Lessons will be repeated to you in various forms until you have learned them. When you have learned them, you can then go on to the next lesson.

Rule Five
Learning does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

Rule Six
‘There’ is no better than ‘here’. When your ‘there’ has become a ‘here,' you will simply obtain a ‘there’ that will look better to you than your present ‘here’.

Rule Seven
Others are only mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

Rule Eight
What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you.

Rule Nine
Your answers lie inside of you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

Rule Ten
You will forget all of this at birth. You can remember it if you want by unravelling the double helix of inner knowing.

Summary
Your time here on Earth is brief. Time passes and things change. You have options and choices in which to make your wishes, dreams, and goals become reality.

When you ask yourself, ‘Why am I here?’ or ‘Why is this happening to me?’ or ‘What's it all about?’ turn to your spiritual primer. Ask yourself, ‘What is the lesson?’ If you hear a defensive reaction using the words ‘never’ or ‘always’ in your response, you haven’t yet learned the lesson. Next, go a little deeper and ask, ‘What is there for me to learn from this experience?’

Each time you view your circumstances as possessing value, regardless of the apparent confusion or hardship, you grow. Your personal evolution will depend on how readily you embrace your lessons and integrate them into your life. Remember, the only consequence for resisting lessons, is that they will keep repeating themselves until you learn them. When you have learned a lesson, you will always be tested. When the lesson is learned, the test will be easily passed, and you then move on to more complex and challenging ones.

You can look back on the incidents in your past and see clearly the lessons you have learned, resisted, and are still repeating. ‘Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift, that is why we call it the present.

’It is more challenging to look at your present situation and see exactly what your lessons are. Looking into the future is the most difficult. Wishing that you had already graduated from the school of life does not accelerate your progress or make the lessons any easier. Examining the situation for the real lesson is the scavenger hunt.

Remind yourself that you are here to learn lessons. Be present with your process. Pay attention to what you are experiencing. Be diligent with actions which enable you to ‘get' the lessons presented to you. Ask for answers and you shall receive them. Listen with an open heart. Explore all options. See your judgment as a mirror. View each crisis as an opportunity. Trust yourself. Believe in yourself. Look within yourself, to your higher self, for guidance on all your choices. Extend compassion to yourself.

Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons (Rule Three). Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible!

From If Life is a Game, These are the Rules, © 1998 by Cherie Carter-Scott, published in the UK in 1999 by Hodder & Stoughton.

*****
WELL WISHES

Today i hope everyone enjoys their day. Look for and find the small thing that makes you smile. And if you're like me Ibuprofen works wonders too :P

*****
AND REMEMBER

Ten thousand flowers in spring,
the moon in autumn,
a cool breeze in summer,
snow in winter.
If your mind isn't clouded by
unnecessary things,
this is the best season of your life. ~ Wu-Men

Monday, May 29, 2006

Water Shows the Hidden Heart ~ Enya (Amarantine)



Waters Hidden Message
Between the lines, under the waters windswept penmanship
Do you see the message?
The warrior of light stands surrounded by many still shining alone
From watery whispers the song comes
The dream of the City of Promise yet unseen
The untold prophesy speaks to open hearts
The tale of of light shared for all who would see
Volumes of truth uttered in solitude
Carried along her tears as they drop into the watery sea
The scribe writes hastily in ebbing tides and quiet moon rays
Flowing into the undiscovered City of Promise
To sing a harmony oh so few hear and she will never see
Claim her tears gentle sea
Be her messenger in the water's parchment
Her story written between the watery lines
So to wash away the sadness
And reveal your city of promise...This is her plea.
©SKW

*Composed while listening to Enya's - "Water shows the Hidden Heart"

Friday, May 26, 2006

How much for that doggie in the window (A tribute to Mushu)

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. ~Josh Turner

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am. ~ Author Unknown

*****

Well it's that time. As most of you avid readers of my blog remember, I made a post a while ago about how Mushu, my dog would be given away. I received a call yesterday from my mother who said she had the wonderful luck to come across a woman whose mother had recently lost her dog to old age and was looking for another. The usual questions were asked; Yes, they love dogs; Yes, they know she needs special care; Yes, they know she needs to be out a lot. Hearing this news made me sad deeply so in that I will lose the ability to be able to see my dog when I choose. I have come to grips with the fact that this is going to happen and it's for the best, but it still doesn't help to keep me from being sad.

For any animal lover out there, you know that no matter what others may say or do, your animals come first. I wish I had the ability to make this so for Mushu, but I can recognize that at least she will be happy and hopefully better off. Today's post is in tribute to Mushu, the dog I never thought I'd have who loved me more than some who had committed to me. Who showed me with a simple lick on my nose that I was her everything even when I had thought I was nothing. And who taught me in no uncertain terms that the king size bed was hers, with just a simple push of her paw.

*****

She came to us in November of 1998. We had been discussing getting a dog and were considering going to a breeder for a special breed of dog. Four days after we moved into our brand new, freshly built, paint still wet townhouse, I went into a pet store with my friend.

There, I saw a beagle/basset mixed puppy looking at me. She had the prettiest eyes. Immediately I asked to play with her. In a matter of moments I knew not only because she was born on my birthday (9-21), but because she had touched me deeply, that I wanted this dog. I put her on the counter and announced that I wanted her.


As we stood there, mushu sitting on the counter, me waiting for the checkout woman, I realized... I didn't even have coverings in my house yet and here I was spending my money on a dog. I looked at this dog, and for 40 agonizing minutes had to decide to be responsible? or follow my heart? In the end I left the pet shop very saddened without my mushu.

I cried the ENTIRE night. Even my then husband was amazed at how sad I was.

I made a deal with him and myself, once I got the blinds/window coverings, I was getting my dog. The very next day I spent getting window coverings and scheduling installations. That experience is a whole other story ;) But all I cared about was I was getting my dog!.

I brought home an 8 week old puppy and began to learn all about the love of a dog. I had dogs all my life. My mother and my grandmother had kennelled dogs at one point...show dogs at that. So I was no stranger to dogs. however this one was different, this was MY dog. I had bought her, I had painstakingly trained her, and I had learned who was bos through her... she was ;)

Over the years we and many friends who came over grew to love Mushu, it was nearly impossible not to do so. As many dog lovers and animal lovers will attest to, she became our child. She was sweet, wild, innocent, daring, and so loving.

When things in our marriage were going downhill, mushu was there to love me. She would play with me, laugh with me as only dogs do, and bring a smile to my face even when I was in tears. Who doesn't have an awesome story of their dog? I have many...

She had this way of looking innocent even as she was totally busted for being wrong. And truthfully, how could you be mad at a face like that?

There are so many things I could say about Mushu, the dog I never thought I'd have. But in the end, what I have to say today is simply, I love you Mushu. I love you for loving me when I needed it the most, for knowing when a lick on the nose was the perfect comfort, or where to strategically place your paw so as to tell me that 3/4 of the king size bed wasn't enough and I should just move into the corner. (Yes, I did move too :P).

I hope she'll understand why I can't come see her today, why that would just break my heart, but that instead I offer her this tribute of love in images and words that are captive inside me. I hope she'll be happy and that truly this will be the best thing for her. I hope these people are truly good because if I find out otherwise... I just wouldn't know what to do.

I hope she knows even if she forgets me per se and even though I'm not there to remind her in person, just how much I love her and that she will always be my special angel... My mushu

Thursday, May 25, 2006

33 Years in Prison! *gasp*

Prayer for a New Job
Beloved Creator,
You have guided me to find a new job, and I ask Your help in noticing the doors that You are opening for me now.  I ask for very clear and evident signs to guide me to a new job in which my talents and interests are used in meaningful ways.  Please help me to know that I deserve a wonderful new job, and allay any nervousness during the interview process.  I ask for extra angels to boost my confidence and courage, and to keep me centered in the sure knowledge that You are providing for me now.  
(Sent by Ms. B in AZ, thank you B! Such perfect timing for me to get this!)

"The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing."  ~Stephen Covey

"Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can." ~John Wesley

*****
Today’s post for now will be about the Guilty game heh.  Borrowed from a fellow blogger’s post, here are my answers.  Post yours in comments please, lets see how many years you get :P

The Guilty Game...

1. Dated outside your race?
Guilty
2. Given a hickey?
Guilty
3. Gotten a hickey?
Guilty
4. Singing in the shower?
Guilty
5. Spit in someone's drink?
Innocent (ick!)
6. Played with Barbies?
Guilty
7. Made someone cry?
Guilty
8. Opened your Christmas presents early?
Guilty
9. Lied to a friend?
Guilty
10. Seen "The Goonies" more than 10 times?
Innocent
11. Played a computer game for more than 5 hours?
Guilty (many times)
12. Ran through the sprinklers naked?
Innocent
13. Ate food that fell on the floor?
Guilty (10 second rule!)
14. Went outside naked?
Innocent
15. Flashed somebody?
Guilty
16. Mooned somebody?
Guilty
17. Been on stage?
Guilty
18. Been on stage naked or close to it?
Innocent
19. Been in a parade?
Guilty (A few actually :P I was quite the little performer)
20. Been in a school play?
Guilty
21. Drank beer
Guilty
22. Gotten detention?
Guilty
23. Been on a plane?
Guilty
24. Been on a cruise?
Innocent
25. Broken into a house?
Guilty (many times, wait does your own count?)
26. Gotten a tattoo?
Innocent
27. Gotten piercings?
Guilty
28. Gotten into a fist fight?
Innocent
29. Gotten into a shouting match?
Guilty
30. Swallowed sea/pool water?
Guilty (ugh)
31. Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose?
Guilty
32. Laughed so hard it hurt?
Guilty
33. Tripped on your own feet?
Guilty
34. Cried yourself to sleep?
Guilty
35. Cried in public?
Guilty
36. Thrown up in public?
Innocent
37. Lied to your parents?
Guilty
38. Skipped class?
Guilty
39. Cried so hard you threw up?
Innocent
40. Had more than five bf/gfs?
Innocent
41. Drank too much?
Guilty
42. Snuck out of your house to meet guys/girls?
Guilty
43. Been skinny dipping?
Guilty
44. Yelled at your parents?
Guilty
45. Stolen anything?
Guilty

Now put the number of guilty as ___ years in prison. :-O

*****
WELL WISHES:
Today I wish for everyone to just have a good day.  Have a day of joy.  Choose to be happy and share that with someone else.  You are all wonderful people in your own special way, share that with others *hug*

*****
AND REMEMBER:
"What we really want to do is what we are really meant to do.  When we do what we are meant to do, money comes to us, doors open for us, we feel useful, and the work we do feels like play to us."  ~Julia Cameron

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Wednesday's Light is shining bright...



Rule Six - "There" is no better than "here". The other side of the hill may be greener than your own, but being there is not the key to endless happiness. Be grateful for and enjoy what you have, and where you are on your journey. Appreciate the abundance of what's good in your life, rather than measure and amass things that do not actually lead to happiness. Living in the present helps you attain peace.
~Cherie Carter Scott – Rules of Life
Be happy where you are in life. It may not be perfect, but its right for where you are in your life. You have many things to be happy & grateful for. Recognize them and write a few down today. Blog them & let others know you’re grateful.

"We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the Beautiful Stuff out." ~Ray Bradbury; American novelist

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."~Author and Poet Maya Angelou

*****
I am thankful for and blessed with so many things. Even when things may get down for me, I still am aware of these things. Today I shall list them in no particular order.

I am thankful for:
the conversation I had with Aussie_male this morning. It was good.
Mrs. Virgo everyday
Having a job
The ability to have this blog
My mother still being with me on this planet
The fact that I am alive
For the friendships I have
For my coffee this morning :P
Shaun
Jessie
The fact that I have learned how to identify with and speak of my emotions
The fact that I can write and people enjoy it

I am blessed:
Because so many read this blog, that makes me feel good…
By people who choose to have me as part of their lives
Because an idea I had turned out to be more than just a name and is known by many
Because I’ve been given several opportunities in life to be positive, and experience the positive, EVEN when my life was anything but positive
Because even though my past is dark and riddled with many evils, I have a beautiful life today despite that past.
Because I have deep emotions that allow me to truly understand people
Because I have such a deep connection with music that it moves me everyday
Because so many have touched me

Thank you everyone for your part in these blessings that I receive.

(ADDED AFTER THE ORIGINAL POSTING)
I was reading the news (no I don't watch it but because I have ample free time at work I read the news here) and saw this article. Why, do we do these things? Why? If you pray, no matter who you pray to, pray for these victims, pray for the other victims of other acts of violence and "war", pray for peace, pray for anything, but please pray...

Tactics of “War” in the Congo
*****
DAILY INSPIRATION

The Power Behind Us – from DailyOM
People That Support Us

Behind each of us stands at least one supporter. This was once thought to be the spouse who ran the home while leaving the other spouse free to work. While this is still one valid scenario, most of us will find that we have other kinds of supporters in our lives. In some cases, our supporters are the people whose help allows us to do the things we're best at, see to our obligations, or pursue or dreams. In other cases, our support may come from the people who are there to help us through life's challenges by offering us their strength and bolstering our spirit.

Our support may come from our families and friends or from the people we hire-nannies, assistants, gardeners, healers, therapists, and advisors. Our supporters may be the mentors who help us express ourselves by listening to us as we share our thoughts and feelings. Our supporter can be the person sitting next to us at a networking meeting or the teacher from our childhood whose words still resonate in our minds. We have always had supporters around us whether we noticed them or not. No matter where the support comes from, few of us can make it through life without assistance.

As we take the time to acknowledge everyone that has every supported us, we can't help but feel grateful. Understanding our place in our human support system helps us see that just as there are people that support us, we are a supporter to many people. By gratefully accepting the expertise and assistance of our supporters, we can consciously and more easily build a life that we love. Thanks to our staff, groups, friends, and loved ones for all their support. We all need each other's support to thrive this world.

*****
WELL WISHES

I wish everyone a happy Wednesday, and the clear insight to see and take a moment to recognize the things you’re blessed with today (no matter how small). Even in the darkest of times, something is always there… I wish today that you see that and know too, that I’m blessed because of you.

*****
AND REMEMBER:

"I am a child of the Light.
I love the Light.
I serve the Light.
I live in the Light.
I am protected, illumined, supplied and sustained by the Light
and I bless the Light"
~Saint Germain

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Language of Angels...

*****
We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.~ E.E. Cummings

"Wake Up! If you knew for certain you had a terminal illness; if you had little time left to live -- you would waste precious little of it! Well, I'm telling you...you do have a terminal illness. It's called birth. You don't have more than a few years left. No one does. So be happy now, without reason -- or you will never be at all." ~Dan Millman

Have you blessed anyone today? And have you counted the blessings in your life? If not, why not take a moment to do so now? It will make you feel phenomenal. Until tomorrow, know you are a blessing to me. May you be blessed with all things good.
~Kate; Creator of the
May You Be Blessed Movie & the One Million Blessings Project (Click the links for more information on this phenomenal project)

*****

Sometimes I wonder what my purpose in this life is. Bear with me, reflection has been upon me for quite some time these past few weeks for various reasons… and I’m committed to total honesty in this blog.

In talking with Mrs. Virgo yesterday one of the things I wanted to do in life as expressed, was to make a difference somewhere, somehow... A NOTICEABLE difference. When I think about that today I think back to what she said. Something along the lines of (Sorry if I get it wrong Mrs. Virgo) “With everything you do everyday you make a difference”.

I was not blessed with book intelligence, or the desire to get more book intelligence :P Not that I’m not smart, I’m just not more smart than the average person lets say. But I’ve always had within me the drive to help people feel better. And I don’t mean just surface, I mean deep feeling. I can remember incidents in High school where people have said the one thing I did for them or with them changed their life in such a profound way that they’ve been forever moved.

I lose sight of these things a lot. It’s easy to do now that high school is *gulp* almost 20 years behind me (ok only really 17 but who’s counting right?). I do not know why I want to do these things but I want to do them. Have you ever seen the light turn on in someone’s eyes, even if just for a second when you’ve touched them? It’s a magical feeling that has the ability to transform your very soul! This is my addiction and again as Mrs. Virgo says, “even in your darkest times, you still have that light in you”. I do… indeed I do.

A very special woman once told me that she had it on good authority that I was given a very special talent. Not only that, but that I had been rescued from the depths a long time ago, by angels, and given this special gift. She didn’t know what the gift was, but she knew that I had it, and that I had to get a “special” kind of mad to use it. There are reasons that for many years I doubted this woman. But I think today I’ll open the doors fully to what she said, allowing this truth as she saw it to work its magic on me today and give me the smile that says “I am special and so are you”. I think this special kind of mad she refers to is the anger I feel at injustice or the deep pain I feel at another’s pain. I may do nothing Pulitzer prize winning ever in this lifetime, but in the past (and hopefully for a long time to come), I know I have “touched” at least one person. Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do. So today, I think I’ll do just that.

Ta ta for now dear readers I’m off to offer some happiness to anyone that wants it.

(And as a side note, thank you for all the OVERWHELMING contributions of affirmations I’ve received the past few days. I’ve added 5 more pages to the growing list of affirmations, blessings, prayers, meditations, chants, stories, etc. Keep them coming! They can only be helpful to any who read them, and to those I pass them on to directly. Email me if you have ANY even just one quote, story, poem, chant, meditation or reflection you want shown. The original author will get credit as will you if I pull yours on any day.)

*****
DAILY INSPIRATION

Listing Magnificence – From DailyOM
Five Things I Like About Myself

Our primary relationship in life is with our selves. No one else goes through every experience in life with us. We are our one permanent companion, yet we are often our worst critic. To remind ourselves of our magnificence, we can do this exercise: "Five Things I Like About Myself."

Begin by writing down at least five things that you like about yourself. This is not the time to be modest. If you are having trouble coming up with a total of five items, you know that this exercise can really benefit you. Be sure to include more than your physical attributes on your list, since our bodies are only part of who we are. If you are still struggling with what to include on your list, think of what you like about your favorite people, because these traits are probably qualities that you possess too. Another way to complete your list is to think of five things you don't like about yourself and find something about these traits that you can like.

Continue this process for a week, thinking of five new things you like about yourself everyday. At the end of the week, read the list aloud to yourself while standing in front of a mirror. Instead of looking for flaws to fix, allow the mirror to reflect your magnificence. You may feel silly about standing in front of a mirror and reading aloud a list of your admirable attributes, but it might just bring a smile to your face and change the way you see yourself. Remember, it is when you feel the most resistant that this exercise can benefit you the most. Because we are constantly looking at the world, instead of looking at ourselves, we don't often see what's magnificent about ourselves that others do. When we take the time to experience ourselves the way we would experience someone we love and admire, we become our best companion and supporter on life's journey.

*****
WELL WISHES

Mrs. Virgo: your friendship always means more to me than I can express. In the circle of life no matter if we dance alone on occasion we will always dance around each other in spirit. Today I wish you the peace of our spirit friendship. It moves me daily, may it give you peace today

Kami: I miss talking to you, but am so glad you are having fun! I wish you joy today, may a smile grace your face and happiness light your heart.

Kelli: I love your entries, they’re always so happy or insightful or emotional. Today I wish you the light of knowing what you say is heard, enjoyed, and shared. Your positivity is infectious!

Chris Delorenzo: I miss your blog entries, but I know what you did you had to do. I wish you happiness today that your life goes the way you wish it to today and everyday.

Mr. Quiet Strength: Your honesty and friendship even remotely is something I cherish. I send that back to you today, that it may make you happy and know you are thought of and cared for too.

Mr. Uber: I wish for you to have a wonderful day full of whatever it is you wish to receive.

Shaun: I send you thoughts of happiness today, I’m so proud of you for all you are.

Roze: Glad you’re back! I send you thoughts of friendship, know you were missed *smile*

Ms. B: How’s the weather in sunny AZ? Warm? Well it will get warmer, because I wish you the joy of sunshine on your face and love in your heart.

Cray: I send you thoughts of good health and love from afar. I hope whatever ails you doesn’t keep you down, you’ve got too much to do ;) *hugs*

MuseMom: I love you and enjoyed our visit yesterday. Today I wish for you to have peace.

*****
AND REMEMBER:

"When you say, I enjoy doing this or that, it is really a misperception. It makes it appear that the joy comes from what you do, but that is not the case. Joy does not come from what you do, it flows into what you do and thus into this world from deep within you."
~ Eckhart Tolle; Quote is taken from page 298 of: A New Earth

Monday, May 22, 2006

Honey, Do...


As you know (or maybe you don’t, but I’ll inform you now :P) I have been reading blogs like crazy. In most cases, the words of others move me just as much as any Pulitzer prize winning story or article. These are the words of real people and that makes them all the more special.

Reading Cancer, Baby’s blog from start to finish has caused quite a bit of reflection in me. Mrs. Virgo is aware of some of it (thank you for the ear the other day). But some of the other feelings I have about this whole thing have to do with my own mortality and the frailty of who we as humans are.

Some of you may know I have a heart condition. Nothing that should be serious in the long run (I hope :D), but it was something that at the age of 22 forced me to look front and center at my life and how short it can be. It’s funny at the age of 22 even with all that happened, could have happened… I wasn’t as aware then as I should have been, as I am right now.

Reflection doesn’t come consistently, but rather like a patient if not persistent whisper, beckoning at you. If you do not listen soon enough it gives you enough of a poke that makes you stand up and pay attention.

On occasion I have some pain in my chest. For those of you close to me, relax, nothing life threatening that I’m aware of. However, when I have this pain it’s sometimes pretty bad. I had it today. It was strong enough to make me dig through my numbers for my cardiologist’s number. I will be making an appointment at some point in the very near future. It never hurts to be safe rather than sorry right?

In any event, that coupled with a few blogs I’ve been reading and of course Cancer, Baby’s has led me to contemplate again the things in my life that should be done. Rather than post a melancholy list of things I should do before I die, I thought, why not make my very own “Honey Do” list of things I will do without the imminent threat of death to force me to see that they need to be done.

So this personal list is not a list of what do I need to do before I die, but things I need to do because I am ALIVE. I am alive, and while I am, I will live in the spirit of fullness as best as I can. So here is my list of things, which will change over time, but are the core of what I feel is what I want to have experiences with in my life. Some of these things are things that need to be fixed, added to, or enhanced, but they are things nonetheless that I would like to do.

I debated about posting this here, because well it’s personal and can be seen as very sad. But all I am about, all I’ve been about my WHOLE life is being open, giving and loving. Even at my own expense if need be. So I give this list to you all, whoever reads it so you can see what another soul is doing in life. Perhaps it will cause you to take inventory in your life and help you make your own list. Wouldn’t that be a beautiful thing we can share…even remotely? I think so…


Things I would like to do/experience in this life
~See B and the kids in AZ
~Get all my close friends together for a retreat of memories, laughter, tears and fun
~Make peace with D
~Be loved, held, hugged, caressed by someone who loves me
~Do something that makes a noticeable difference… (I.e. Take Digital Soup to Oprah or to the Chicken Soup folks & get some publicity promoting the awareness of love)
~Make peace with R
~Have quality alone time with those I have unfinished issues with so that I can get closure
~Call everyone in my phone book and tell them what they mean to me
~Call J and R (Biological mother and father) and talk to them
~Find G (Biological brother) and tell him it’s ok
~Not worry about money and truly enjoy life worry free for the rest of my days
~Go to Colorado with friends or a loved one and write, read, contemplate
~Take a cruise anywhere.
~Post in my blog everyday of love and openness
~Make a will
~Give happiness and joy to people somehow, everyday for as long as I have left.
~Not be bitter over life but find joy in it.
~Make peace with God
~Be surrounded by friends even if we just sit in quiet everyday
~Meet those friends I’ve developed personal relationships with (Corwin, Zimi, Shaun, Kami, Cray, Aussie_Male, Celtic, Winter and many others) and tell them how special they have been to me
~Reunite with friends I’ve lost touch with over the years (online or offline)
~Make Utopia Skye a charitable foundation promoting love and peace even if just in the boards or messages to an email list or something.
~Go to the Isle of Skye with my mom, friends and folks from Utopia Skye
~Get all my pictures together and finally make the photo album I want to make for them.

There’s my list… how about yours?

The Gift of Lessons...

1 - Be impeccable with your word - Speak w/ integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2 - Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say & do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions & actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3 - Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions & to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness & drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4 - Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best & you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse & regret.
~Don Miguel Ruiz – The Four Agreements

Rule Four - The lesson is repeated until learned. Lessons repeat until learned. What manifest as problems & challenges, irritations and frustrations are more lessons - they will repeat until you see them as such & learn from them. Your own awareness & your ability to change are requisites of executing this rule. Also fundamental is the acceptance that you are not a victim of fate or circumstance - 'causality' must be acknowledged; that is to say: things happen to you because of how you are and what you do. To blame anyone or anything else for your misfortunes is an escape and a denial; you yourself are responsible for you, and what happens to you. Patience is required - change doesn't happen overnight, so give change time to happen. ~Cherie Carter Scott – Rules of Life

98. Thrive on inner peace instead of on crises.
99. Affirm all the good things about yourself.
100. Talk less and listen more.
~100 ways to be happy and feel good

*****
The lessons repeat until learned... Sort of like reincarnation? The belief of reincarnation, as I understand it, is that your soul is on a journey and until the lessons of the journey to enlightenment are learned we keep repeating them in different forms coming back if our soul hasn’t learned what it needs to for its journey.

I don’t know what I believe in regards to reincarnation, but I do know the above statement (the one in italics is always the one that resonates with me the most each day) is certainly true. How many times have we had the same argument come up with a loved one? Or the same situation with boyfriends/girlfriends? How many times do we find ourselves drawn to the same type of person with the same flaws? It always keeps repeating until we learn our mistakes.

The hardest part of this challenge and one that I routinely fail on…is the learning of the mistake EVEN IF YOU KNOW THE RIGHT WAY TO GO. I know there are things I need to do in my life. I know there are things I’m doing right now which lend themselves to my current state. I know these things and still feel powerless to change them. How does one who’s lost the strength to do what they need to do, find it again? That’s the answer I seek lately.

I feel like the person I used to remember before my marriage was strong, fiercely independent and was the type of person who can (and DID) walk away from bad relationships without a second glance back. I know that I was too headstrong back then, but it seems to me, I was happier back then. So the question I must ask then is…

Did my marriage (failed though it was) break my spirit? Is that what’s wrong? Is that why after all this time I still find myself hiding in an online world, reaching out to those online who would have me… Even though those people tend to be liars more often than not (and as experience has shown I’ve been hurt just as bad online and still get hurt, the same as if it were offline)?

I use the excuse that people online see past the body first and see the heart and so that’s why I put my all into the online world. Believe it or not, it’s really more scary (at least in my part of the world) for someone like me to be “out there” in the “real world”.

I have taken some steps and started doing some things for the betterment of myself; the affirmations, taking some time to care for “me”, seeing friends more than I used to (I know it’s not a LOT but it’s better than 3 months ago isn’t it?). These are all steps in the right direction and for the most part I feel that they are the right steps. I sense more often than not a longing for “real” connections as opposed to online digital connections. I’ve put out to the very special few in the online world that I wish to have an offline relationship with, my number and or other means to contact me in the real world. Hell even cleaning my second bedroom this weekend instead of wasting another weekend in game is a good step (although I could really use some help getting out all the garbage now :P). These things all serve a greater purpose. To help free me from whatever it is I may find that holds me back.

Perhaps it’s a renewal of my spirit once broken. Perhaps it’s a renewal of love. Perhaps…

I know that now, while I’m still sad over things, I’m in a better spot than I was a year ago. (The “things” I elude to are things I will not mention here because, well as much as I may hurt, I do not wish to hurt others with my words or emotions.) But I know I still have a lot of work to do.

It seems that in one very clear moment of vision this weekend, let’s just say… I “see” my lessons repeating. This time, I see this particular lesson clearly. I see its parallels, curves, path, and the destruction that it if left unfettered it can weave so intricately into my life. This time though, I might… I just might have the strength to undo this lesson. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Learning and growing… Maybe at 34 I can still grow. Hopefully.

*****
DAILY INSPIRATION

From Daily OM
Set Yourself Free
Letting Go Of Perfection

It is good to remember that one of our goals in life is to not be perfect. We often lose track of this aspiration. When we make mistakes, we think that we are failing or not measuring up. But if life is about experimenting, experiencing, and learning, then to be imperfect is a prerequisite. Life becomes much more interesting once we let go of our quest for perfection and aspire for imperfection instead.

This doesn't mean that we don't strive to be our best. We simply accept that there is no such thing as perfection-especially in life. All living things are in a ceaseless state of movement. Even as you read this, your hair is growing, your cells are dying and being reborn, and your blood is moving through your veins. Your life changes more than it stays the same. Perfection may happen in a moment, but it will not last because it is an impermanent state. Trying to hold on to perfection or forcing it to happen causes frustration and unhappiness.

In spite of this, many of us are in the habit of trying to be perfect. One way to nudge ourselves out of this tendency is to look at our lives and notice that no one is judging us to see whether or not we are perfect. Sometimes, perfectionism is a holdover from our childhood-an ideal we inherited from a demanding parent. We are adults now, and we can choose to let go of the need to perform for someone else's approval. Similarly, we can choose to experience the universe as a loving place where we are free to be imperfect. Once we realize this, we can begin to take ourselves less seriously and have more fun. Imperfection is inherent to being human. By embracing your imperfections, you embrace yourself.

*****
WELL WISHES

Today I wish you all the clear sight with which to see lessons you may have repeating in your life. If you feel you do not have any then I wish you clear sight to see the love and friendship and harmony I’m sending out to all of you. May the conviction of my heart be your strength when you see clearly what YOU may need to do in your life.

*****
AND REMEMBER:
"Real difficulties can be overcome; it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable."~Theodore N. Vail - first president of AT&T(American Telephone & Telegraph)

Friday, May 19, 2006

Let the sun shine! Let the sun shine in... the sun shine in

YIPPEE IT'S FRIDAY!

*****
I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward someone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame of that heats our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other. ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross “The Wheel of Life (Scribner)”

If you are right now judging yourself for not being happy enough or healed enough - that is your dis-ease talking. Tell it to fuck off!!
Tell your dis-ease to take a hike at least for the day. Work the full day to be happy and feel loved. (LOL Who sent this to me?! I LOVE YOU FOR IT!)


'You are Life passing through your body, passing through your mind, passing through your soul. Once you find that out, not with logic, not with the intellect, but because you can feel that Life - you find out that you are the force that makes the flowers open and close, that makes the hummingbird fly from flower to flower. You find out that you are in every tree, and you are in every animal, vegetable, and rock. You are that force that moves the wind and breathes through your body. The whole universe is a living being that is moved by that force, and that is what you are. You are Life.''
~Don Miguel Ruiz

*****
WOW, I love the second quote LOL. That is verbatim as it was pulled from the bag.

Today is Friday and that makes me happy.

I have no creativity to post something witty or insightful about my life today. I do not want to write about Crony and the hens, because I do not want negativity stamped across my day before it’s begun. I do not want to write about not having love because I’m trying really hard to let the universe hear that I’m ready for it, not saddened over not having it.

What I DO want to write today is a post full of love, light and peace. As most of you know who have known me online now for four years and even those who know me in real life… that is my motto. So today, I will live it. Let the love, light and peace begin

*****
DAILY INSPIRATION
A new section has seemingly emerged in my blog entries. I do not know if it will be permanent, but enjoy it while it’s here… Let some light grace your day from these words.


From DailyOM:
The World In A Bright Light
Grateful

Everyday is a blessing, and in each moment there are many things that we can be grateful for. The world opens up to us when we live in a space of gratitude. In essence, gratitude has a snowball effect. When we are appreciative and express that gratitude, the universe glows a bit brighter and showers us with even more blessings.

There is always something to be grateful for, even when life seems hard. When times are tough, whether we are having a bad day or stuck in what may feel like an endless rut, it can be difficult to take the time to feel grateful. Yet, that is when gratitude can be most important. If we can look at our lives, during periods of challenge, and find something to be grateful for, then we can transform our realities in an instant. There are blessings to be found everywhere. When we are focusing on what is negative, our abundance can be easy to miss. Instead, choosing to find what already exists in our lives that we can appreciate can change what we see in our world. We start to notice one blessing, and then another.

When we constantly choose to be grateful, we notice that every breath is a miracle and each smile becomes a gift. We begin to understand that difficulties are also invaluable lessons. The sun is always shining for us when we are grateful, even if it is hidden behind clouds on a rainy day. A simple sandwich becomes a feast, and a trinket is transformed into a treasure. Living in a state of gratitude allows us to spread our abundance because that is the energy that we emanate from our beings. Because the world reflects back to us what we embody, the additional blessings that inevitably flow our way give us even more to be grateful for. The universe wants to shower us with blessings. The more we appreciate life, the more life appreciates and bestows us with more goodness.

The Perfect Day
"Give yourself a perfect day. Do what makes you happiest. Look upon
what gives you joy. Speak to those who warm your heart. Listen to
that which lifts your spirit. Surround yourself with sights and
sounds and people who give you pleasure. For all the happiness you
give to others all year long, give yourself a perfect day."
~Author Unknown

And then tomorrow, repeat the process.

*****
WELL WISHES

To EVERYONE: I wish fervently for the brightest of days for you today. May the conscious choice you make to be happy and feel love prove to be one of the best decisions you make today. Know, that I make this for you too and am opening my heart as much as possible for you today. I hope the light I envision it shining reaches to you and warms your spirit. Have a BEAUTIFUL day.

*****
AND REMEMBER:

It doesn't matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn't matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years - we turn on the light and it is illuminated. Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the light has been turned on.
~ Sharon Salzberg

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Fog and the Maiden

"There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." ~Edith Wharton

Perhaps it will seem to you that the sunshine is brighter and that everything has a new charm. At least, I believe this is always the result of a deep love, and it is a beautiful thing. And I believe people who think love prevents one from thinking clearly are wrong; for then one thinks very clearly and is more active than before. And love is something eternal--the aspect may change, but not the essence. There is the same difference in a person before and after he is in love as there is in an unlighted lamp and one that is burning. The lamp was there and it was a good lamp, but now it is shedding light too, and that is its real function. And love makes one calmer about many things, and in that way, one is more fit for one's work.” ~ Vincent van Gogh

"This above all: to thine own self be true." -Shakespeare- (submitted by Kelli @ Kelli’s Musings)

*****
It’s ironic, yesterday Kelli gave me some quotes, today not only do I pull one of hers, but I pull one that was just recently reminded to me by Beth. I received a silver bracelet in the mail from Beth not too long ago, and on it is stamped this phrase over and over again. I was so touched by that gift. Thank you Beth for the lovely gift and Kelli for the reminder of it today *smile*

*****
The fog greeted me today as I drove into work and it was so beautiful I just wanted to pull over and walk in it for a while. Instead I started to think of things I could write. And so in the tradition of my usual, I’ll post them here instead.




“…And so I stood the flower girl at the marriage of fantasy and reality, holding
my little basket of stars. Glowing brightly my face lit up in their wake I
stared amazed in rapture of their beauty. And when the time came, I did
walk slowly down the pathway of life, gently raining stardust down with my
little hand, scooping up stars and paving the way with light. Walking
through the fog aware that I was dreaming but knowing I was lighting the way to
my heart, my inner child smiled as she trembled in excitement, for her part in
my heart’s awakening.”

******************************************************************

My thanks to Celtic for reminding me just how much I loved this song "The Mystics Dream" by Loreena McKennit. Sorry I'm not as talented as him and can't get the song to play "IN" this blog entry :P. You'll just have to go to my "MYSPACE" page, it's on the front and plays there...


So there you go… a portion of what I had fleeting thoughts of this morning. If anyone were to ask what I wanted as a gift (among the multitude of things I already have on my Amazon list :P) I’d have to ask for a voice recorder, so that my thoughts as beautiful as they may be when first uttered, can actually be preserved. Because what is written above while I think it’s pretty is VERY different from what I first saw in my mind.

I have so much I want to say and not enough ways to say it all so for now I’ll end this blog with a few more of my favorite things…I hope you enjoy them

*****
This story incidentally is one I posted on my forums on Utopia Skye back in October 2004. There is a whole section there devoted to things such as these and it’s called Daily Messages. This story is partially responsible for my affirmations idea…

“One Thousand Marbles”
Jeffrey Davis

I'm a Ham radio operator and spend some time working with radios and electronics. So when I heard this story it really made me think! I hope that you will find some application in your own life as well...

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the basement shack with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning, turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it.

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know, the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whomever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles".

I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say. "Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. Too bad you missed your daughter's dance recital."

He continued, "Let me tell you something, Tom, something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities." And that's when he began to explain his theory of "a thousand marbles."

"You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years."

"Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3,900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now stick with me Tom, I'm getting to the important part."

"It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail," he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy."

"So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round-up 1,000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear. Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away."

"I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight."

"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time."

"It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again."

You could have heard a pin drop on the radio when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss.

"C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast."

"What brought this on?" she asked with a smile.

"Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. Hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles."

(By the way, I have 2132 Saturdays left as of this year... My philosophy was instead of marbles to use affirmations. So keep the submissions coming to me! I pull some everyday, but every Saturday I pull one as well and it serves to remind me of my priorities :)

*****
WELL WISHES

To Lisa: Thank you for reading my blog and posting. It always gives me a smile to see that folks enjoy what I write, even if it’s highly personal and mainly my daily drudgery :P Nonetheless, thank you for you today I wish you a smile or two or a thousand as well. May your day be bright and full of sun.

To Kelli: Thank you for the submission, I’m glad to have pulled one of yours today that was so memorable for me. I wish you a day of positivity.

To Dana: Thank you for being concerned for me yesterday. It is truly a good friend who can read between the lines of what may be posted ;) Today I wish you much love and peace. I’m grateful for you everyday.

To Beth: For the bracelet I see everyday, thank you. For your friendship thank you… I hope today you have a wonderful day and that you CONTINUE to know what real love and affection is like. I’m happy for you J

For Shaun: I’m so proud of you for being valedictorian. I feel almost like a proud parent. You are such a special person. Today I wish you the feeling of accomplishment and joy. That you know you have done well and earned a just reward for your efforts.

For Aussie_male: I was so happy to hear from you in email yesterday while you were at work! And continuing the “In my pants saga” while we chatted was sooooo fun. Today I wish you smiles all day long, may your coffee never come out your nose when you laugh at my HILARIOUS (riiiiight) antics. But truthfully may you feel the arms of me wrapped around you in a hug across the digital miles… and may it make you smile. Oh and for you… HARD CANDY! In my pants :P HAH!

For Mr. Quiet Strength: Today I wish you a day of peace and happiness. I haven’t heard from you lately but I do always hope you’re well. Know you’re thought of today

For Chris Delorenzo: I’m sorry to see you leaving the blogoshpere, but I understand completely your choice. Today I wish you the strength to continue to do what YOU need to do in your life; as well as the wisdom to understand that you’re doing the right thing based on what you know at the time you make the choice. Choosing is often hardest, so congratulations in being able to choose. I’m always here, and you know how to get me if you would like to keep in touch.

For the rest of you not specifically mentioned but always in my heart: I wish you a day of joy. May the sun warm your face, friends warm your heart, and thoughts of my affection for you warm your soul.

*****
AND REMEMBER:

"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good." Author Unknown

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Before the storm...tranquility



You must be strong now. You must never give up. And when people make you cry and you are afraid of the dark, don't forget the light is always there.” ~Unknown

Truth, Beauty, Freedom & Love

There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.  Mother Teresa

What you love is a sign from your higher self of what you are to do. Sanaya Roman

Always remember our poetry wars with a smile; you are a fun-loving, talented, beautiful woman. For fun, write a haiku about something that makes you laugh. ~Shaun
*****

Ahhh poetry wars…  Shaun thank you again for this reminder of that fun time.  We would sit in game and try to outdo each other in poetry.  Some was good, some was just…. Well…. Awful lol, but it was always fun.  

*****
Such great quotes today.  I’m really glad I started pulling these again.  Thank you also to those who emailed me the contributions you would like to see.  I’m still accepting them so if you see a great quote or poem or something that you would like to have shown here if I pull it that day, then please keep sending them to my email.

And now onto today’s topic.  I’ll try to be brief after the novel I wrote yesterday :P  

No matter how much it may feel right to withhold information from another at the time you’re in the thick of it…. realize that if you even HAVE that thought, that’s your conscience telling you NOT to do it.  There is nothing I can think of that should be withheld from someone.  Truth is always the better path to walk even if it seems dark.  Most importantly if you’re trying to build a friendship or a deeper connection with someone the LAST thing you want to do is hold back from telling them all.  Inevitably it will be discovered no matter what “it” is and trust me, knowing sooner rather than later is a much more plausible way of dealing with things.

(I may post again later, but Crony and the hens are in so this has to be short, so enjoy my copy and pastes ;)

*****
And now a little word from a great place I frequent:  DailyOM

The Practice Of Serenity
Personal Peace
In our noisy world, we often find ourselves longing for peace and searching to find it somewhere else. While it's true that there are places we can visit where we can experience peace, such as sacred sites or buildings, we do not need to wait until we get to one of these places to feel at peace. Instead, we can learn to locate the seed of peace inside ourselves and cultivate it so that it grows into a reliable source of serenity that we can always access, no matter where we are.

We experience peace when we are in a state of mental calm and serenity. It might surprise you to notice how infrequently you allow yourself to be free from anxiety. Realizing this is the first step to inner peace. If you wait until all the details of your life are taken care of to allow yourself to experience peace, you will never feel peaceful because there is always something that your mind can grab onto to create anxiety. It is important to consciously set aside your worries and make time to cultivate inner peace.

Ideally, you could schedule time each day to meditate on peace and experience what it feels like to be calm and serene. It takes practice to learn how to let go of your worries, so give yourself some time. Inhale deeply, and feel your worries dissolve with every exhale. Remind yourself that soon enough you will be able to take care of everything you need to, but right now you are taking a break. As the clutter of your thoughts and concerns clear away, you will start to feel more serene. Allow yourself to move deeper into this state with each inhale. Realize that you have the power to free yourself from anxiety simply by deciding to do so. The more you practice feeling peaceful, the easier it will be for you to feel at peace.

*****
WELL WISHES
Today I wish you all the flexibility to practice serenity.  Take some time in your day (5 minutes even) and re-center, re-ground and re-open your eyes.  May your spirit soar free today.

*****

AND REMEMBER:
"But sometimes, unexpectedly, a quiet moment finds us and we drop down into the life we have beneath all the rushing and the trying and the endless daily details, sinking into the fertile soil of the sometimes neglected inner life, where the seeds of remembering what matters are planted. What comes from that place when we give it half a chance flowers in our lives and the world, creating unexpected changes in the direction of our journey and offering unanticipated blessings to us and those around us."~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

The Invitation
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

© Mountaindreaming, from the book The Invitation published by HarperSanFrancisco, 1999 All rights reserved

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Just say no to pants....





In my pants courtesy of Chris Delorenzo!

"Yesterday, Trix at BATED
BREATH
asked her readers to play a game called "In My Pants." The object is
to start a sentence with an actual movie title and end it with "in my pants," so
that it makes sense. "


(Here's my list below... add your list in comments please :D)

1. Titanic in my pants
2. Dogma in my pants
3. The cave in my pants
4. What lies beneath in my pants
5. Frailty in my pants
6. Video Voyeur: the Susan Wilson story… in my pants :P
7. Last Holiday in my pants
8. When a stranger calls in my pants
9. Mission Impossible in my pants
10. Fun with Dick and Jane in my pants

Thanks Chris I enjoyed this laugh today!

All we need is love... **LONG POST**

We are, each of us angels with only one wing; and we can only fly by embracing one another. ~Luciano de Crescenzo

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves. ~Rainer Maria Rilke

True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
~Jason Jordan

*****
Love is a tricky thing isn’t it? It’s the one feeling that can take us to great heights and make us breathless looking down on the world. It gives us great sight to see things of such beauty and it very nearly gives us wings to fly… But “love” is also the most elusive of emotions, and actions. Not unlike the white unicorns of fairy tales or the virgins who by those fairy tales are the only ones who can approach them, love is just as rarely seen… true love that is :P

But what about reality love?

As I’ve grown older I’ve come to realize that love is the master chameleon cleverly disguising itself in various forms and just when you think you’ve spotted it, like smoke that gets whisked away in the breeze, it’s gone. When I was young I thought of love as the most powerful emotion. I still see it at that but I know that the emotion is not just the sensation of pleasant numbness. I know that the emotion truly known as love can sometimes be the voice of concession which is much more real than the dream vision of my youth. I think that true love has its roots in reality where two people make concessions because they BELIEVE that the purpose of such is a mutual sharing of life, joy, ups and downs. I think the overwhelming “Feel” of love as thought of in my youth is more the fantasy that we’re fed. Or maybe I’m just turning into a cynic.

It’s kind of like faith. Faith isn’t a “feeling”. It’s action, purpose, etc. It’s the same with love; except love is a feeling too. It wears many hats you see and is the master of disguise.

Why do I ramble so?

Because I cannot for the life of me understand people who think they feel love both in the fantasy and the reality sense and do NOTHING about it. You see it in the movies all the time, except this isn’t Hollywood. Everyday we look for something to awaken us, to give us life, to infuse our very breath with purpose and awareness. And for some, it’s right in front of their faces… yet they choose to do nothing. In the movies this is seen as the person running after a moving airplane after they realize what’s important in their life is the person who is leaving it.

I also believe love can be felt with more than just one person, but that you should choose only one person to love. For those who have been lucky enough to know love in the face of two people, the hardest thing for you is the choice. But the choice should be made. Love should not be offered to more than one, because in doing so you split your heart.

I think about love a lot. As someone who lacks it in their life (from a partner) I find it on my mind quite a bit. I see all these people out there who talk about how they can’t possibly be the only romantic out there. Well you’re not. I see all these other people who say they want love, who say they NEED love and do nothing to attain it. I see all these people who refuse to choose, instead choosing to feel the pain of indifference. I see all these people who say they love, but they don’t, they lie to themselves because they love the idea of being in love or what it represents.

All I’m looking for is someone who wants it as bad as I do. Someone who is willing to make concessions a bit, willing to accommodate a change in space, willing to open their heart, and definitely most definitely willing to take the risk that the very nature of the word LOVE implies. That’s not too much to ask is it? But maybe it is. These are just my thoughts today, on love. They are subject to change, and hopefully subject to a relationship at some point in my life… at which time these rambling thoughts will stop :P

*****
WELL WISHES

I wish today that you all find it easy to smile to a stranger, make eye contact with another and reach out to someone you don’t know with a kind word, gesture, etc. May these things you do bring a smile to others, as well as to you. I wish you all well in your endeavors today, and I wish you the warmth of peacefulness. You are being thought of, and most definitely in some way or form, you are loved.

*****
AND REMEMBER:

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.” ~Javan



*************************************************************************************

Added after the original posting. This is a *MUST* read.

Posted by Zee in comments on
Cancer, Baby’s blog. If ever there was a testament to love, it is this…

Posted by:
zee May 15, 2006 at 02:27 PM

I posted on the topic, because I wanted you to go back to her post on her last anniversary, I wanted Jessica's husband to see how much she loved him, but I am not sure you will see it is from a different post. So here it is.

In Sickness and in Health
(Cancer baby wrote this in June 05)

This week, my husband and I will celebrate our third anniversary.

Ours was a lengthy courtship. We met when I was twenty but didn't marry until I was twenty-nine, and although our wedding took a long time in coming, we knew fairly early on that our relationship fit the category of "keeper."

We were introduced just two months before I left college. I was on the cusp of graduating and returning to my hometown for the six month period between finishing my Bachelor's degree and beginning graduate school, so our quick friendship barely had time to blossom into romance before I found myself on a plane, winging my way towards my parents' house, which stood thousands of miles away from my new boyfriend.

But I knew a good thing when I saw it, and so despite the nascence of our relationship, I refused to let space and circumstance take their toll. Over the course of the next half year, we essentially began our life together, albeit at a distance, and our feelings for one another grew primarily through letter writing. Indeed, at a time when email had recently become king, we courted in a more old-fashioned way, exchanging missives in a postmodern, post-collegiate epistolary romance.

As the summer approached, I invited him to spend time with me in my hometown, and he accepted. We spent the season falling in love -- discovering each other physically, emotionally, intellectually. And for all intents and purposes, after the summer came to a close and I shipped off to graduate school, we were never apart again.

Eight years, two cities, and multiple living arrangements later, we wed in a beautiful outdoor ceremony surrounded by family and friends. Although we wrote much of the service ourselves, we used traditional vows to seal our bond: For better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health.

On our first anniversary, we had recently moved into our house. It was the house in which I had anticipated raising our children, the first of whom we had just started trying to conceive. While at the time I didn't know it, a week prior I experienced the initial symptoms of my disease -- symptoms that quickly disappeared and didn't show up again for two months, symptoms I never gave a second thought to when we went away for the weekend to celebrate.

Our second anniversary coincided with my last day of first-line chemotherapy. I was in remission, and with a decent prognosis I had begun dreaming about adoption. That weekend, we again celebrated by going out of town. To mark the end of my treatment, we placed a moratorium on cancer talk, and we spoke instead about our forthcoming family, choosing a name for the daughter we anticipated parenting together in the near future.

This year, our anniversary finds my illness recently recurred, my second-line chemotherapy at its outset, and our plans for a family sidelined, probably forever. This time, we will stay close to home, and there will be no talk of children. There will, however, probably be talk of cancer.
Our cancer conversations, of course, are familiar now. They have taken place in locations and at times I'd never before thought possible, seeping into even the most mundane of moments, and the most pedestrian utterances of our daily vernacular. We've discussed cancer -- ovarian cancer, lung cancer, breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, kidney cancer, uterine cancer, colon cancer, testicular cancer -- nearly everywhere: walking the dog, doing the dishes, lying in bed, driving the car, on a plane, at the gas station, buying furniture, at an amusement park, playing Scrabble. Our conversations run the gamut of possible disease-related topics, covering the emotional whirligigs of our fear, grief, and hope, and also the deliberate, technical, sterile facts of my prognosis; the statistics, the case histories, the various treatment options.

As it turns out, for me those treatment options are far more plentiful than most women with ovarian cancer. That reality has little to do with the efforts of my oncologists, or my youthful age and otherwise strong body. Instead, it has everything to do with my husband, because even since the earliest days of my initial diagnosis he has been researching ovarian cancer at an astonishing pace. With only an Arts and Humanities degree to his name, he has transformed himself into a veritable scientist, reading biology and chemistry books, visiting medical libraries and combing online resources, befriending and consulting key cancer investigators and oncologists, and gate-crashing the physician- and members-only gatherings of major cancer research centers and associations. That he goes undetected as a lay-person at these meetings is a testament to his considerable knowledge, as is the fact that most physicians and researchers who meet him believe he is a doctor or Ph.D unless he is given occasion to inform them otherwise.

His pursuits have made a concrete difference in my care, and they have far-reaching ramifications beyond mere intellectual stimulation. For example, he has, despite my medical and gynecologic oncologists' occasionally dismissive words, ordered a panoply of tests on my tumor -- tests that have revealed potentially treatable, possibly curable or manageable mutations that might be driving my disease. And he has doggedly located, through his research contacts and his own investigative grit, multiple clinical trials about which most oncologists are unaware, but that may become very important to my survival.

So more than anything, it is my husband, not my doctors, who will make it possible for me to pursue more and better treatments than what constitute the typical recurrent ovarian cancer fare, in which women are placed on a merry-go-round of one failing chemotherapy after another by well-meaning but overworked, often jaded, and fatally fearful oncologists. But because of my husband, there is a battery of potentially life-saving, and certainly life-prolonging, treatment options available to me.

His efforts on my behalf elicit mixed feelings in me. Of course they are an enormous source of pride and gratitude, and they speak volumes to the strength of both his character and the capacity of his love. But sometimes, they make me worry. They make me worry for his health, both emotional and physical, and I see the strains wrought by the burden of knowledge that he bears. I see it in the nearly thirty pounds he's lost during the two months since my recurrence, in the insomnia he experiences most nights, in the stomach aches he's begun to suffer almost daily. I see it when he's feeling desperate as he dashes to the bathroom, retching from and overcome by anxiety, physically spent but still straining to comfort me through his fear, anger, and sadness, as well as the glimpses he sees into the life he may some day have to rebuild.

But none of these worries compares to the worry I feel when I think about what might happen to him if his Herculean effort to keep me alive fails. This anxiety hasn't manifested itself because his love for me is somehow greater than any other devoted husband's or caregiver's. Rather, it festers because I worry about where his mind and the self-doubt, guilt, and need to find someone to blame so common to the human experience of grief will take him. When my anxiety is at its worst, I wonder what will happen to him if I die. I wonder -- after he closes the door on the last visitor to my funeral, after he puts away his biology books and removes the links to his oncology pages from the computer, after he tells his research comrades in arms that my journey is over -- if he will begin to believe he didn't do enough. On the nights that I, too, cannot sleep, I peer secretly at him through the study door as he researches into the wee hours, and I am gripped by a dread that ponders whether, upon my death, he will, even for a second, curse his inability to save me -- that he will struggle to find a source to blame and somehow find only himself.

To ward off that fear, I try to focus less on the uncertainties that the future may hold and more on the small, fragile joys of the present -- this present, our present, so fraught as it is with terror and pain. I do my best to concentrate on the brief intervals, sometimes measured in seconds, sometimes measured in minutes, when the cognizance of my disease disappears from my mind. These moments emerge when we talk about music, or read books to each other just before going to bed, materializing as we laugh about the way our dog sneezes when he greets us, or when we compare paint samples at the hardware store. They arrive suddenly but silently when we trade silly emails, or tease each other over some of our more harmless but endearing foibles. They awaken through the gentle but dynamic brush of a delicate touch to the arm, or the serene but palpable vibrations flashing in a crooked smile.

Of course, there is also some comfort for me in the fact that a year and a half after my initial diagnosis, and on the occasion of our third anniversary, the picture I have of my husband wracked with guilt over what he could not prevent thankfully remains in my imagination. It is an agonizing projection, but a projection nonetheless. So although he may one day wonder if he could have done more to save me, for now -- as he thinks alongside the expert researchers about anti-angiogenesis and NFKappaB blockers, and considers with the oncologist authorities growth factor receptor inhibitors and tyrosine kinase signalling pathways -- he can mostly believe with faith that the work he is doing now will, ultimately, be the most important work of his, and of our, lifetime.

To me, whether or not that's true is in most ways beside the point, even if he had never opened a biology textbook, or had given up researching in despair and frustration many months ago. Even if I had never recurred. Even if I had never gotten sick at all. Because what I want him to know as he pores over his medical journals, emailing questions and treatment strategies to researchers, doctors, and cancer patients across the country, is that when he wonders if he can save me -- fervently, desperately, anxiously, hopefully -- the answer is that he already has.

This is 47

In my acquired wisdom I've accepted: 1. That it's OK to admit I like girly things 2. That it's OK I didn't post this ON...