Everyday I’m amazed at just how absolutely barbaric people are. This story just breaks my heart.
I have no words atm…
Friday, April 28, 2006
Friday Musings Part 1 (Yes, there may be others today... check back ;)
I’ve watched this movie twice now and I still think it’s really really good. You should check out The Island with Ewan McGregor. It’s a film that I do not think did too good, but that I found to be quite good. I might even have to buy it someday.
*****
Ok so I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that my ex husband came over to help me with something. (When I first moved out and on my own it was not uncommon for him to stop by and help me out once in a while). While he was there he looked like something was wrong. I asked him if he was ok and he said that his girlfriend had broken up with him. That sent fear into my heart. The strange thing is he never said he wanted to get back with me, so I do not know why I was afraid. Then he did another equally strange thing, and lit up a cigarette. My ex didn’t smoke, and he had asthma so he wouldn’t smoke even if he wanted to. Thank goodness it was just a dream eh?
I wonder though what it could mean. Let’s think about this. It could mean:
- I am longing for a return to the marriage. *SCREAMS* no way. Even if I gave that even more than a 2 second thought of possibility, and even when I think of the mistakes made in the marriage as it were, I realize that a. we were young and naïve and stupid and b. things that were done should not have been done to me. EVER for NO reason. So even if I thought well things are different, he’s older, I’m older… I do not know that I would trust him again with what I call my “Kryptonite”; my heart.
- I’m longing to hear that the relationship he developed right under my nose while we were married is falling apart. I have a hard time believing this one. Even though the marriage was over when his relationship started we were still legally technically married and at this point in our marriage I still looked semi decent and I NEVER ONCE cheated on him. Yet he developed this relationship (there’s a story here about this relationship too, about how he wanted me to be friends with her… but that’s for another boring post). I’ll admit who wouldn’t want to hear that the person who hurt you so deeply you’re still scarred isn’t suffering just a little, particularly in the area where HE got all you wanted… but still this doesn’t ring true of me. I can’t say I wish him success in all his endeavors, but I certainly don’t wish him ill will.
- I simply miss talking to my once upon a time friend. See my ex and I were friends before anything else. That’s unfortunately what our marriage was carried on the whole time. We cared enough about each other that we didn’t want to see each other hurt, but we knew all along the marriage wasn’t working. But, as far as this, I’m not sure I could talk to him openly about what’s going on in my life without peppering it with anger towards him or trying to play a guilt trip on him. So I’m not sure that being friends with him again would do anything but give me more stress.
- I just miss a male factor in my life. This one of the 4 I’ve presented, probably rings the truest. I do miss a man in my life. I think the fear I have felt in that dream is the fear of actually getting to be with someone in real life. What that presents to me, is not only a sharing of space but changes to my life. Some changes I’m VERY happy to make, and others I’m afraid that I won’t make them even if I want to… Plus being with someone also means they see pretty much everything about me and what I go through. I’m not sure I trust someone that deeply. I trusted one person deeply like that and over the course of 10 years all that got me was a fear of trusting someone that runs so deep it’s tainted the blood that is in my heart. All this aside, I do miss a man in my life.
Ever since I’ve started giving a shit about how I look and really trying to be less depressive and more at least on the even… I’ve become more aware of people around me. I think for the longest time I walked around in a fog… like if I didn’t see you then you couldn’t see me, and you couldn’t hurt me then. Now I look at people in cars next to me and I catch some of them looking at me! I wonder what they’re thinking when they see me. Still my thoughts are that they’re thinking “OMG look at her, she’s so damn ugly!” (do not chastise me for this, I’m not putting myself down, but admitting what my perception of how other people particularly males see me is).
As I came home from work yesterday (now being sick for a week I haven’t done my makeup because it didn’t make much sense as often as I was blowing my nose, but I have done my hair and put lipstick on at least) I noticed as I drove past the workers who are building our decks that they were looking at me. As I got out of my car a short distance away from them, I heard whistling. I didn’t stop moving and didn’t look at them, because now (as opposed to when I was in my 20’s) whistling at me means they’re making fun of me. So I did a little mind over matter… I allowed myself to think, “They think I’m beautiful” instead of thinking “they’re making fun of me” or “They’re a bunch of perverts”. It took about 5 minutes but by the time I got into my apartment, I think in some small way I actually believed not just that they thought I was beautiful, but that I did too.
Kudos to me for not succumbing to the fear beast. What does this have to do with today?
Absolutely nothing.
But I try to celebrate small steps in life and that was a small step in the whittling away of the fear exterior I have. The more I chisel away at it, the quicker the real me who is in hiding can come out to play.
*****
WELL WISHES
Today in the spirit of Friday happiness, I send everyone wishes of some small measure of joy. Find something, anything that gives you joy and focus on that today. Celebrate some small step you’ve taken…any small step. Really keep that in the forefront of your mind. Let it permeate your thoughts today and really allow joy to be felt. This may come easy to some of you, but for others it may not. Regardless do try. It can only bring you happiness
XO
*****
AND REMEMBER:
"Success is to be measured - not so much by the position that we have reached in life - as by the obstacles that we have overcome while trying to succeed."~Booker T. Washington
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Chicken Soup anyone?
Well the verdict is in as if you didn’t already know ;) I’m really sick. I have a high dose medicine to make me better and a prescription for another day off from work to kick back and sleep and let my body heal. I debated all of last night as to whether or not to follow that prescription. But in the end I decided some things, like health, I still believe you shouldn’t mess with…
Cheers to the doctor, for allowing me another blissful day (even sick) without the presence of Crony.
Now I think my bed is calling me again and perhaps this time I will actually listen. Drink some water for me today dear readers of my drudgery, I’m supposed to drink so much I’ll float away :D
*****
WELL WISHES
Today I wish you all the blissfulness of good health. Even if you aren’t well get better and know that I’m sending you lots of healthy thoughts today for the balance of the whole mind, body, and spirit…
*****
AND REMEMBER
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just have one thing to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
~Conan O’Brien
Cheers to the doctor, for allowing me another blissful day (even sick) without the presence of Crony.
Now I think my bed is calling me again and perhaps this time I will actually listen. Drink some water for me today dear readers of my drudgery, I’m supposed to drink so much I’ll float away :D
*****
WELL WISHES
Today I wish you all the blissfulness of good health. Even if you aren’t well get better and know that I’m sending you lots of healthy thoughts today for the balance of the whole mind, body, and spirit…
*****
AND REMEMBER
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just have one thing to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
~Conan O’Brien
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Leaving, on a fast train... don't know when I'll be back again *Story included*
"I never plucked a star from heaven before…"
The words echoed against my mind as I watched your form heading away from me and out of my life. My heart hitched in my throat and a tear stealthily crept down my cheek. I was sad, yes but I was somewhere in between sadness and acceptance. This split, this departure…was a mutual agreement. We had said our good-byes to our romance, and with solid hugs and warm whispers vowed we would return, kindling the fire of our friendship. Well, after we healed of course.
Why is it I have to wonder, that we torture ourselves with echoes of the past when faced with the present. I could hear the past clinging to my ear. In quieted moments of sharing, I could “feel” the breath against my ear as you whispered in the waning sun of the day so long ago…
“For my whole life I’ve wondered what my purpose in this world was”
Your voice so smooth, full of love came to me haunting me. The memory filled up my current space and without warning I became surrounded by the hotel room where those very words had been spoken. I watched the scene happen…again.
I looked up and into those brown eyes swimming with love for me, and smiled softly in the fading afternoon sun.
“What’s that sweetheart” I managed to whisper.
I knew the next words, not in my mind but in my heart. I knew them as if I had penned the masterpiece of love right there on parchment. Signed, sealed, delivered… I knew them.
“When I met you, I knew you were the one. I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be a part of something greater in life. That greater “thing” that part of greatness, was being a part of you.”
I couldn’t help but watch your lips move as you spoke your poetry to my soul. Your arms slid around me softly, and soon I was close to your body breathing in the essence of your soul as the words fell tumbling from your lips.
“I know now, that everything I’ve ever done was leading to this… this moment. This moment where I understand what “greatness” is.”
Leaning down slightly to kiss me, your hair fell forward into your face tickling my nose. I smiled and kissed back pressing against those lips I knew so well.
As we separated, I opened my mouth to speak and you put your finger over it silencing me without a word being spoken. Your gaze never wavering, you slipped to one knee causing my heart to jump into my throat as if it had been practicing that perfect jump for ages.
“This moment, Selene, this “greatness” that I speak of, this purpose in my life…”
I watched a tear slip down your face and I very nearly bent down to hug you and tell you I know love, I feel it too. But I stayed firm my heart yearning, my eyes disbelieving. This, I had NOT expected.
“This can only be achieved when I am with you. Your heart is the home that I’ve sought to live in forever. Your body is the temple I wish to worship with every fiber of my being, forever. Your mind is the knowledge I wish to continue to learn, forever. Your fires of passion can light a thousand torches, including the ones to my heart...and I want to light them, forever “
Your hand found mine, and mute I could only swallow, my throat dry to attempt to release the heart I held in my throat, back to my chest.
“I want to be there for you, live with you, learn from you, make love to you, be in love with you, be angry with you, be happy with you, sad with you, all of it…”
Your words ran together as your heart spoke now, spilling it’s secrets tumbling them over the edge and I couldn’t help it, I finally knelt too so we were face to face. This time it was time for my finger to cover your mouth and with a soft sigh, I looked down at the floor composing my thoughts.
“I …” my words faltered for a moment and I felt your finger under my chin, lifting my face gently. Looking up into your warm smile I knew it was ok. I knew that no matter what I was safe and I would…could… share this with you.
“I always knew what love was because I live in it. I always knew that it needed to be shared because it takes two.” Smiling at you I continued.
“But I never knew how to make love with another beyond the physical aspect. I never knew that “completeness” until you came into my life and patiently tended to my wounds while I fought you. Valiantly fighting for my sanity when I fell into the pit of despair. My hero even in this modern age coming to rescue me when I told you, harshly I might add, that I didn’t “NEED” you.”
I leaned forward our faces mere inches apart, “But I know now that without you, I am only one half. I am only less than love. I’m just the vessel ready to house it. “ Reaching for you as you reached for me we kissed passionately feverishly, all at once full of longing, understanding and completion.
Breaking for one second, your breath hot on my face, your whispered words and husky voice captivating me again “Selene, my love, please give me the honor of being with you at your side for as long as we shall live.”
I broke down into tears, crying openly mumbling at first, repeating, and then finally shouting:
“yes, yes YES!”
I smiled as I cried and locked this moment into my brain. Snapshot images of the walls of the room, the bedspread, the candles, the curtains went into the database of my mind. These images I forced to be burned into my memory so that I would always have this torch along my pathway of life…
Forced back into the present, this gray dreary world, the same tears freely fell at this memory. Your back was to me as you headed away down the train platform to wait quietly for the vehicle to take you away from me. My mind was a whirl with all the moments, leading up to now. Moments of fear where we closed off becoming afraid of what the future would bring because of what life dictated we live.
I know, I know, my mind argued with itself. Its better this way isn’t it? No fear, no worries, sure … a little sadness but… My thoughts faltered and for one moment I could hear myself clearly speaking as if I had just woken up.
“What am I doing?” I whispered. Confirming my own thoughts, speaking aloud so that I may better understand I said it again. “What the HELL am I doing?”
A passerby startled at my voice looked up, and then quickly looked away muttering under his breath, his step quickening.
Finally the memory of the moment became my clarity and I understood…I got it! Somehow the heart that had been beating so hard in my body, quickened pace, and the gray clouds overhead seemed to move in time with my thoughts, revealing a blue sky that had been there all along.
“That’s it!” I said laughing aloud. “I’ve been so foolish”!
The train approached from the other end of the walkway and suddenly you looked to be so far away from me. My smile disappeared as I started walking towards you, aware that I must get to you before the train left. Your trench coat moved in the afternoon wind while you waited patiently, and as I walked, my step quickening along with my breath, the gray day became full of color…almost as if by my steps, making this conscious choice, light could be shone. I began to run, calling your name aloud startling waiting businessmen and women.
“WAIT!” My breath came ragged as I watched you step onto the platform entering the train.
I swore my legs would fall off but I used the burning pain I felt to push them to move faster.
“Please” I cried, “wait!”
10 steps, 20, 30 how many away from you I couldn’t count, but in the end I was… too many. You disappeared swiftly into the train’s interior and it slowly started to move having accepted its passengers, heading out of the station. Even still, I kept going, I knew I MUST keep going.
“Please” I whispered, my breath failing me as I tried to reserve my energy for my legs while I continued running past the blur of people staring at me.
I heard people shouting as well but paid them no mind as the train kept going, carting away the only thing that had meant anything to my heart. Finally, I began to slow down, my body screaming in agony, my heart beating so hard I feared it would burst from my chest. My tears began to flow freely and I sobbed as I watched the train move away slowly…yet just fast enough that I couldn’t catch up.
I fell to my knees, my skirt dampening in the puddle that the previous rain had left for me to fall in. My hair fell forward around my face as my hands crept up to hold my pain, trying to catch my sobs.
“I know, love… I know now that you had been there all along.” I whispered to myself unaware of the people standing next to me.
“I don’t have to be afraid of it, because you were there right beside me all…along.” I cried then full of mourning for the stupidity of the mind, overshadowing the light of the heart.
So lost was I, so overcome with tears and rampant thoughts running through my head, that I never heard the approach. I never saw your steps, but then… I felt you.
You knelt in front of me the same way you did that very sweet day when you asked for my hand and amid a crowd of onlookers some of whom also wiped tears that fell at the sight of such profound love, you opened your heart to me again. Grasping my hands in yours pulling them away from my face, you looked at my eyes.
Slowly I raised my face and my tear-drenched eyes met yours. As I sniffled and breathed deeply my body still screaming in pain, you smiled so warmly. A thousand days have been lit by that smile. A thousand dark nights have shied away from the light in that one gesture offered so innocently. A thousand heartbeats my heart did beat at the sight of you not on the train but in front of me offering me…us, this chance again. Leaning forward amid the sound of cheers and clapping your lips touched mine and a kiss of permanence you laid upon me. Sealing the letter of our love as if it were a chapter in the book of life your kiss lit fireworks in my heart and bound my love to you.
Parting slowly, my eyes still closed, resting our foreheads against each others the only words spoken, became the fine wine filling my parched soul…
“I love you my love, my life, my wife… Let’s go home”
And so it was that the chapter of life we share called “Love lost per chance found?” finished writing itself in our hearts. And just as much as in any ending that you expect but still want to be reminded of, we stood and towards the setting sun we walked wrapped in each other’s arms oblivious to anything that existed outside the realm of “us”; just as it should be.
Epilogue:
The passengers on that platform knew not the history of the events they witnessed but they ALL knew without a shadow of a doubt that love existed because they had been touched by it’s presence that day. They went home to their wives, their husbands, and their children and showered them with love because of one single expression of pure love. It can happen to you too if you open your hearts to it.
©SKW
*****
The above piece was written by me December of 2004. It seems so long ago. This piece believe it or not wont quite a few awards and got quite a few nods of appreciation. I’m glad for that, because inspiration no matter how trivial is special and the fruits of such a sharing should be seen for what they are…special.
I haven’t written like THIS in a long time. I find inspiration sometimes comes frequently but sometimes not. My muse likes to take vacations. She returned briefly for me a short while ago, but has quickly left, only her perfume I smell in her wake. A lovely scent of Jasmine, sandalwood and Lavender. She’ll be back, I’m sure, but for now at least I have her words to regale my memory with.
*****
WELL WISHES:
To Kami: Thank you for the well wishes yesterday in my rant of a blog. It meant more to me than you know *hug*. I send you love today
To Mr. S: Thanks for going out of your way to make me feel better. I wish you happiness today.
To Mr. Uber: Thank you for understanding my irritability yesterday. I know you’re nervous today because of your drive, but you’ll be fine. I’ll be right with you *smile*.
To Everyone Else: Kelli, Mr. Quiet Strength, Mr. Serenader, Dana, Beth, Kyle, Roze, Sober in the city, Shaun, Tony, FISH!, Mom, and any others I haven’t named directly. I wish you a vivid picture of the rising sun today that it should warm your heart particularly when you need it the most.
XO to all!
*****
AND REMEMBER:
If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.
~Buddha
Friday, April 21, 2006
Passion, love, fog, and dreams...
Wow, sometimes you just read something that so touches you you’re just left humbled. Today I had just such a moment. This blog called Three New York Women has an entry today written by sober in the city that just knocked my socks off. Read read read… Read it again if it didn’t move you. THIS is what I’m talking about. That feeling, those things that this man who barely knows her would do… THIS is it.
*****
I’m a very passionate person. I’m passionate about everything I do. When I’m happy I’m passionately happy, when I’m sad I’m really really low and a LOT of people can feel it. My emotions, my passion practically oozes out of my pores. Yes, sometimes (especially when I’m sad) it sucks because it threatens me with the edge of sanity when I’m sad. But I would not trade it for the world because the emotional “highs” are worth every penny.
I’m also attuned to other people (and again most notably those who I’m very close to). We pick up each others vibes and run with them like a kid with a brand new kite. We run and run and gain momentum because we’re determined that kite will soar and when it does, the elation is tremendous. And these are just emotions we share folks…
In the morning when I drive into work, the fog that blankets the fields along the road can inspire me to poetry. This morning the fog reached out stretching it’s arms, small wisps trying to enfold the traffic as most of it blurred by without a care. I actually slowed a little bit upon my approach and thought man I would LOVE to get out of my car and wander through that fog right now with a notebook.
My point?
If I could live life with that type of inspiration 80% of the time instead of the 5% or so I see it, life for me would be good. Going further, being with someone who would appreciate that (even on a small level) would be icing on an already sweet cake. Work, may not be so mundane, or at least if could get away to my private fog bank where inspiration sat waiting for me to dip into it’s deep wells. Even Crony might not be so bad.
Today I’m trying to hold onto the moment of inspiration I felt this morning not once, but twice with the first being the fog of the misty morning, but also the post in the Three New York Women Blog. I’ll hold tightly to it, because as my day starts the familiar pangs of dread approach already knocking on my door looking to sit with me all day. I think today, they may just have to go away ;)
*****
Aside from my wonderful inspiration this morning, I was doing my normal flip through channels on the radio bit looking for some sign of intelligent life. Sadly, I continued the search with no results. The chaotic noise that is called radio consisted still of ads about how I can increase my sex drive and lose 500 pounds in 2 days. There was also the same mindless chatter by the DJ’s all trying to vie to be the top morning show. However today because I had to watch the road carefully due to an accident, the DJ’s on B96 kept my attention (simply because I couldn’t change the channel) for more than my normal 10 seconds. I caught the tail end of a story they were talking about where a group of 12 and 13 year old girls attacked and beat up a young boy on a bike riding to get medicine for his father. The female disc jockey was saying that our society has turned from the strong woman feminism mentality to the sheer brute-ish display of behavior. She mentioned how girls thought this was “cool” to be this way.
How can fighting of any kind be cool? It’s not pretty even in necessity when people fight. It just makes us look more like rabid dogs than the humans who should be proud of our evolution and striving continually to be better. Girls, guys, boys, teenagers, it isn’t pretty no matter your sex, or age.
I’m just amazed at the violence we display daily and how much of it goes left unnoticed.
*****
I have other news that I’m just coming into comfortable with myself. When I am comfortable enough to speak fluently and without doubt about it, I will post it. For now I’ll leave you all in wonder :P
*****
WELL WISHES
Today, I wish you all LOVE. LOTS of love. I send you all hugs from afar, and hopes that today even if it’s in the form of love of nature, love of self, love of partner, that you will feel the brightest touch of love today. May it kiss your forehead like the breeze of summer, caress your hair like the ocean shore caresses the sand, and give you peace.
XO
*****
AND REMEMBER:
An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
~Martin Luther King, Jr.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Oh the randomness...
So guess what, Mr. Charlie Sheen has found love on the internet… Well at least a date I should say. In a very obscure article somewhere it mentions it. And damn if I didn’t have to close the window without getting a link to it. I thought for sure you guys would love to hear it.
Oh well, I’ll play gossip columnist for a moment and fill you in.
Rumor has it, that Mr. Charlie sheen utilizing the site http://www.millionairematch.com/ has exchanged emails and yes, even phone calls with an unknown female party. He plans to take her out on a date setting the trend for the first publicized online dating by the stars that I’ve heard of…
I went to the site http://www.millionairematch.com/ and checked it out. So apparently these people make over $150k a year and are executives, CIO’s etc looking for love. I browsed through some of the profiles to see pictures posted from folks that look suspiciously like model shots, profiles written with requests of “do not ask for gifts please as this site seems to have people doing”, and desires of the supposedly rich and famous.
On the one hand it’s nice to dream that a site like that is even legitimate. It’s also nice to dream that if it WERE legitimate, that anyone of the folks that would be on that site would even consider someone like me, with my limited knowledge of things and physical body issues. On the other hand seeing some of these profiles of supposedly rich men (IF they’re who they say they are) looking for HOT and SEXY women as activity partners etc makes me sick.
Maybe I’m just jealous. Maybe the kid in me wants to believe so much in the legitimacy of finding a prince and maybe one who has money so I don’t have to worry about it anymore. But truthfully because I seem to be jaded anymore, I think this site is just another way for us to expose just how materialistic and superficial we can truly be.
In my brief stint in the online dating world (and yes, that’s over… I have had enough of the scrutiny, wearing my weight as a shield, and humiliation of yet AGAIN going through the 12 step process (har har) of trying to find love digitally), when I looked at ads, I looked at very different things. Sure I wanted financial security, but only that you could take care of yourself, your family (if you had one) and me if I should join you in the future in a relationship. I looked at someone being gainfully employed, someone who likes to laugh and be serious too. I never looked at were they rich? Could they buy me gifts? Do they look like a model?
What is wrong with us that we will allow online dating to be the interview before we even set our eyes upon a person? Is the fine art of traditional dating gone?
All I want is to be financially secure (translated as not having to worry if the Starbuck’s coffee I’ve just bought will break us), have someone to come home to who wants me to come home to them, and learn to share my life with someone. But I guarantee you in places like millionaire match and some of the others I’ve seen, I’ll be a profile for more to laugh at then for people to actually say, “wow someone who is genuine…let me contact them”.
Yea, so my rant today which is more of a realization than anger over something is that most online dating and people anymore are superficial and materialistic and I do not like it.
‘nuff said
*****
I went offline last night at 8:30pm falling asleep at my desk. I fell asleep on the couch then while flipping channels until 11:30pm. At which point I got up to go to bed and promptly feel asleep at 11:35 pm sleeping through until 5am. Think I was tired?
I’ve been trying harder to get up earlier and do what I need to in the mornings. I’m not successful just yet, but I am successful as of late (the past three days or so :P) at getting a bit more sleep at least. That’s a step in the right direction. Next on the agenda is to get up 30 minutes earlier than I have to so I can walk in the mornings. Yes, typically on a work day that means I’ll need to be up at 5am everyday (I SHOULD be getting up at 5:30am normally though I rarely succeed at that :P).
I’ve given myself a year. I have one year officially from 4-16-06, to lose weight by whatever means I feel necessary except for surgery. No I wont be chronicling this progress in here… that’s just way to personal. If I cannot get my life, weight and other things under control in one years time, then I will be doing some drastic things. I look at it this way, I can live better or die miserable. It’s my choice. And I will make that choice daily.
There are some other things I’ve been thinking of as of late, though I’m not certain about them just yet, they are prevalent thoughts of mine. One of them is going back to school (see previous post). That would take money and time two things I do not have right now. But in time (hah what a joke lol) I will have both. I think it’s a good idea.
My mother sadly does not. She seems to think that what I’m looking at going to school for is an “Iffy profession”. It’s very hard on me when I feel I do not have her approval. But I’m trying to assert myself for my life. Short of finding a partner who I want to settle down with, helping other people is one of the only other things in life I have always aspired to do. In this fashion I can do it quicker and without 50k or more worth of academic debt behind me. I know she just wants me to succeed and not suffer, but what can be worse than the suffering I do now?
So today’s post is mainly a rambling of thoughts that lack definition or purpose other than to spit it out and hope it makes sense. Sorry dear readers of my drudgery for putting you through this today ;)
*****
WELL WISHES
Today I wish guidance and knowledge on all of my friends. May your intuition, your heart and your mind guide your path as steady as the sun shines… And may your friends and family support you.
Xo
*****
AND REMEMBER:
Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit.
~ Kahlil Gibran, (1883 - 1931) "The Vision"
Oh well, I’ll play gossip columnist for a moment and fill you in.
Rumor has it, that Mr. Charlie sheen utilizing the site http://www.millionairematch.com/ has exchanged emails and yes, even phone calls with an unknown female party. He plans to take her out on a date setting the trend for the first publicized online dating by the stars that I’ve heard of…
I went to the site http://www.millionairematch.com/ and checked it out. So apparently these people make over $150k a year and are executives, CIO’s etc looking for love. I browsed through some of the profiles to see pictures posted from folks that look suspiciously like model shots, profiles written with requests of “do not ask for gifts please as this site seems to have people doing”, and desires of the supposedly rich and famous.
On the one hand it’s nice to dream that a site like that is even legitimate. It’s also nice to dream that if it WERE legitimate, that anyone of the folks that would be on that site would even consider someone like me, with my limited knowledge of things and physical body issues. On the other hand seeing some of these profiles of supposedly rich men (IF they’re who they say they are) looking for HOT and SEXY women as activity partners etc makes me sick.
Maybe I’m just jealous. Maybe the kid in me wants to believe so much in the legitimacy of finding a prince and maybe one who has money so I don’t have to worry about it anymore. But truthfully because I seem to be jaded anymore, I think this site is just another way for us to expose just how materialistic and superficial we can truly be.
In my brief stint in the online dating world (and yes, that’s over… I have had enough of the scrutiny, wearing my weight as a shield, and humiliation of yet AGAIN going through the 12 step process (har har) of trying to find love digitally), when I looked at ads, I looked at very different things. Sure I wanted financial security, but only that you could take care of yourself, your family (if you had one) and me if I should join you in the future in a relationship. I looked at someone being gainfully employed, someone who likes to laugh and be serious too. I never looked at were they rich? Could they buy me gifts? Do they look like a model?
What is wrong with us that we will allow online dating to be the interview before we even set our eyes upon a person? Is the fine art of traditional dating gone?
All I want is to be financially secure (translated as not having to worry if the Starbuck’s coffee I’ve just bought will break us), have someone to come home to who wants me to come home to them, and learn to share my life with someone. But I guarantee you in places like millionaire match and some of the others I’ve seen, I’ll be a profile for more to laugh at then for people to actually say, “wow someone who is genuine…let me contact them”.
Yea, so my rant today which is more of a realization than anger over something is that most online dating and people anymore are superficial and materialistic and I do not like it.
‘nuff said
*****
I went offline last night at 8:30pm falling asleep at my desk. I fell asleep on the couch then while flipping channels until 11:30pm. At which point I got up to go to bed and promptly feel asleep at 11:35 pm sleeping through until 5am. Think I was tired?
I’ve been trying harder to get up earlier and do what I need to in the mornings. I’m not successful just yet, but I am successful as of late (the past three days or so :P) at getting a bit more sleep at least. That’s a step in the right direction. Next on the agenda is to get up 30 minutes earlier than I have to so I can walk in the mornings. Yes, typically on a work day that means I’ll need to be up at 5am everyday (I SHOULD be getting up at 5:30am normally though I rarely succeed at that :P).
I’ve given myself a year. I have one year officially from 4-16-06, to lose weight by whatever means I feel necessary except for surgery. No I wont be chronicling this progress in here… that’s just way to personal. If I cannot get my life, weight and other things under control in one years time, then I will be doing some drastic things. I look at it this way, I can live better or die miserable. It’s my choice. And I will make that choice daily.
There are some other things I’ve been thinking of as of late, though I’m not certain about them just yet, they are prevalent thoughts of mine. One of them is going back to school (see previous post). That would take money and time two things I do not have right now. But in time (hah what a joke lol) I will have both. I think it’s a good idea.
My mother sadly does not. She seems to think that what I’m looking at going to school for is an “Iffy profession”. It’s very hard on me when I feel I do not have her approval. But I’m trying to assert myself for my life. Short of finding a partner who I want to settle down with, helping other people is one of the only other things in life I have always aspired to do. In this fashion I can do it quicker and without 50k or more worth of academic debt behind me. I know she just wants me to succeed and not suffer, but what can be worse than the suffering I do now?
So today’s post is mainly a rambling of thoughts that lack definition or purpose other than to spit it out and hope it makes sense. Sorry dear readers of my drudgery for putting you through this today ;)
*****
WELL WISHES
Today I wish guidance and knowledge on all of my friends. May your intuition, your heart and your mind guide your path as steady as the sun shines… And may your friends and family support you.
Xo
*****
AND REMEMBER:
Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit.
~ Kahlil Gibran, (1883 - 1931) "The Vision"
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Wednesday wishes and hopes...
Wednesday, woohoo the middle of the week is here.
I got up late today. Well truthfully I got up early but I had such a horrible headache I took 600mg of Ibuprofen and covered up as I laid down in bed again. That was at 4:30am. I woke up at 6am (have to leave in 15 minutes after that). I could have just thrown my hair up and called it a day so to speak, but I’ve been doing so good with the whole “girlie” thing, that I didn’t want to just do that. (Scary eh?) So I took a shower and dried my hair a little bit and left so I could do my makeup in the car. It was 6:40 when I left. I got to work at 7:15am, but no one was here. Yay, another glorious morning :P
*****
So, taking my queue from Mr. Quiet Strength, I’ve been investigating going back to school. I was doing some research into schools and education etc. The most important thing I think, for me is to do something I like. If I hate it, I wont stay, this I know. It will be hard enough to get me used to study habits (which I’m hoping will keep me off the games more). A little part of me is looking forward to this SHOULD I be able to afford it.
I’ve come across a few places with courses in Metaphysics, Holistic Theology, and Aromatherapy etc. This course of study (any of the three) can go all the way to PH.D level and is fully accredited. A PHD in any of the above mentioned courses would take about 3 years (if I was dedicated). It’s all remote learning, self paced. When I was in High school several things happened to me. When I was 17, it was a busy year of emotional growth and endurance training for me. It was that year, I KNEW what I wanted to do with my life. I called it Psychology, but really what it boiled down to was the ability to help others through me own experiences, wise ear, and open heart. To this day 17 years later, I still feel that commitment. I know now, however in my adult wisdom (har har) that I do not have to get to this goal by only conventional means.
Regular education, academic, ACCEPTED education is quite expensive, and I just don’t’ qualify for a loan. Believe it or not, I make too much, and aside from that when last I looked my GPA put me about a C+, B- area. You have to be higher than that to get a loan or a grant. Now I know it’s been forever since I looked into this, but I doubt they’ve changed all THAT much. I took a few classes here and there, and really loved sociology. In particular a favorite of mine was a class called Sex, Family & Marriage. It focused quite a bit on self growth and interaction on intimate levels with family and in sex and all it’s twists and turns.
I’ve found a local practitioner of metaphysics, who bills himself as a councilor, health guide, and minister (Ordained through the United Life Church). I will contact a few of these folks who are currently doing what I wish to do and seeing if they either a. offer an apprentice type program for work and/or b. would care to offer some guidance now that they’re established to someone just entering this area.
I think that through my study of metaphysics, and holistic theology as well as aromatherapy and all different types of body, mind, spirit wellness, that I too will grow and be able to learn to deal with the things that work against me now. It’s all the experience right? Well I can use that to help others. I think this is what has always suited me best. Hopefully, I’m on the right path and can be successful even just moderately so, running my own business of holistic body, mind, spirit counseling.
One can hope right?
*****
WELL WISHES
To Tony: Keep your chin up, you’ll find something soon. I send you uplifting thoughts today to keep you out of the darkness of depression
To Dana: You are AWESOME. Thank you for the candle, the company and as usual good soul/body food yesterday. I’m glad I got to see you and your family. Today I wish you tranquility and beautiful light around all you see.
To Roze: Thank you for your insight into the things I’m pursuing. It’s hard for me sit down and listen well because I have this fear that people are trying to shoot me down. But I appreciated your words of wisdom in this arena and your experiences were appreciated. Today I wish you calm and joy *smile*
To Kami: I know we don’t get to talk much (it’s been like three weeks now!) But I think of you daily and as always send my love and wishes for your happiness to you everyday
To Shaun: I Miss you! Thank you for calling me on Easter (Did I tell you I look forward to those holiday calls?) and I wish you love today.
To Beth: I send you strength, peace and happiness today. You are loved even from as far away as Illinois. Big hugs to you today.
To Aussie_Male: Today I simply send you thoughts of friendship because I enjoy the friendship you share with me.
To Mr. Serenader: Thank you for listening to me while I quickly called you at work and babbled for the two minutes I had. If there is one thing I can always count on with you it’s your ability to listen. Today I send you thoughts of happiness.
To Mr. Quiet Strength: Thank you for the inspiration to consider going back to school. Today I send you peace because I know you have a lot on your plate to consider and manage. It will all work out right, I promise this.
To Kelli: Keep those posts coming! I love the way you write and your energy is contagious. Today I send you thoughts of serenity that you may feel for even a moment the peace of having a good heart.
To Celtic: I send you thoughts of joy today. May the winds of Celtic wisdom breathe their peace on you.
To Mr. Uber: I hope you feel better. Today I send you thoughts of healing and lots of healthy heart light for you.
To Mr. S: You’re new to this list so today I send you thoughts of new friendship and open communication. Cheers to both those things and may you have much of them.
To my Mom: I love you
(Wow this list gets long! Lol)
*****
AND REMEMBER:
Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.~George Bernard Shaw~
I got up late today. Well truthfully I got up early but I had such a horrible headache I took 600mg of Ibuprofen and covered up as I laid down in bed again. That was at 4:30am. I woke up at 6am (have to leave in 15 minutes after that). I could have just thrown my hair up and called it a day so to speak, but I’ve been doing so good with the whole “girlie” thing, that I didn’t want to just do that. (Scary eh?) So I took a shower and dried my hair a little bit and left so I could do my makeup in the car. It was 6:40 when I left. I got to work at 7:15am, but no one was here. Yay, another glorious morning :P
*****
So, taking my queue from Mr. Quiet Strength, I’ve been investigating going back to school. I was doing some research into schools and education etc. The most important thing I think, for me is to do something I like. If I hate it, I wont stay, this I know. It will be hard enough to get me used to study habits (which I’m hoping will keep me off the games more). A little part of me is looking forward to this SHOULD I be able to afford it.
I’ve come across a few places with courses in Metaphysics, Holistic Theology, and Aromatherapy etc. This course of study (any of the three) can go all the way to PH.D level and is fully accredited. A PHD in any of the above mentioned courses would take about 3 years (if I was dedicated). It’s all remote learning, self paced. When I was in High school several things happened to me. When I was 17, it was a busy year of emotional growth and endurance training for me. It was that year, I KNEW what I wanted to do with my life. I called it Psychology, but really what it boiled down to was the ability to help others through me own experiences, wise ear, and open heart. To this day 17 years later, I still feel that commitment. I know now, however in my adult wisdom (har har) that I do not have to get to this goal by only conventional means.
Regular education, academic, ACCEPTED education is quite expensive, and I just don’t’ qualify for a loan. Believe it or not, I make too much, and aside from that when last I looked my GPA put me about a C+, B- area. You have to be higher than that to get a loan or a grant. Now I know it’s been forever since I looked into this, but I doubt they’ve changed all THAT much. I took a few classes here and there, and really loved sociology. In particular a favorite of mine was a class called Sex, Family & Marriage. It focused quite a bit on self growth and interaction on intimate levels with family and in sex and all it’s twists and turns.
I’ve found a local practitioner of metaphysics, who bills himself as a councilor, health guide, and minister (Ordained through the United Life Church). I will contact a few of these folks who are currently doing what I wish to do and seeing if they either a. offer an apprentice type program for work and/or b. would care to offer some guidance now that they’re established to someone just entering this area.
I think that through my study of metaphysics, and holistic theology as well as aromatherapy and all different types of body, mind, spirit wellness, that I too will grow and be able to learn to deal with the things that work against me now. It’s all the experience right? Well I can use that to help others. I think this is what has always suited me best. Hopefully, I’m on the right path and can be successful even just moderately so, running my own business of holistic body, mind, spirit counseling.
One can hope right?
*****
WELL WISHES
To Tony: Keep your chin up, you’ll find something soon. I send you uplifting thoughts today to keep you out of the darkness of depression
To Dana: You are AWESOME. Thank you for the candle, the company and as usual good soul/body food yesterday. I’m glad I got to see you and your family. Today I wish you tranquility and beautiful light around all you see.
To Roze: Thank you for your insight into the things I’m pursuing. It’s hard for me sit down and listen well because I have this fear that people are trying to shoot me down. But I appreciated your words of wisdom in this arena and your experiences were appreciated. Today I wish you calm and joy *smile*
To Kami: I know we don’t get to talk much (it’s been like three weeks now!) But I think of you daily and as always send my love and wishes for your happiness to you everyday
To Shaun: I Miss you! Thank you for calling me on Easter (Did I tell you I look forward to those holiday calls?) and I wish you love today.
To Beth: I send you strength, peace and happiness today. You are loved even from as far away as Illinois. Big hugs to you today.
To Aussie_Male: Today I simply send you thoughts of friendship because I enjoy the friendship you share with me.
To Mr. Serenader: Thank you for listening to me while I quickly called you at work and babbled for the two minutes I had. If there is one thing I can always count on with you it’s your ability to listen. Today I send you thoughts of happiness.
To Mr. Quiet Strength: Thank you for the inspiration to consider going back to school. Today I send you peace because I know you have a lot on your plate to consider and manage. It will all work out right, I promise this.
To Kelli: Keep those posts coming! I love the way you write and your energy is contagious. Today I send you thoughts of serenity that you may feel for even a moment the peace of having a good heart.
To Celtic: I send you thoughts of joy today. May the winds of Celtic wisdom breathe their peace on you.
To Mr. Uber: I hope you feel better. Today I send you thoughts of healing and lots of healthy heart light for you.
To Mr. S: You’re new to this list so today I send you thoughts of new friendship and open communication. Cheers to both those things and may you have much of them.
To my Mom: I love you
(Wow this list gets long! Lol)
*****
AND REMEMBER:
Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.~George Bernard Shaw~
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
My Darling Clarence
My Darling Clarence,
Seeing your writing on this paper gave me such relief to know you were well. Though I wish this paper would prove to be a window through which I could simply reach my hand through and feel you to remember your reality. It seems so long since we have been apart, though I know time only moves as slow as it does in my heart because it longs for you.
I know your cause is a just one. I hold my head high even to those that would quietly whisper as I enter the room. I wonder if they think me deaf? I know they whisper of your adventurous pursuit of that which they do not believe in. I can almost hear them “What would wild natives be able to tell us about health?” To them I say, what sort of people are we if we do not strive, by any means, possible to better ourselves, to help others, to end suffering. I do not need to be betrothed to you to be your defender or support. I know in my heart and in my mind that your travels are for the greater good. It is too bad that people without vision are driven by ego and not passion to know more, to acquire that vision.
The children I teach ask me peculiar questions sometimes. It makes me wonder if the parents aren’t speaking to them or speaking loudly enough that perhaps they hear. They ask all sorts of questions about the jungle and why someone would go so deep into the darkness of the world. The headmaster also spoke with me asking me how you faired. I thought it a peculiar question for one so removed from our private lives.
I still do the ladies luncheon teas though and for the most part all I notice are occasional glances my way from some of the High Society women. They are the stagnation of change. The very epitome of it, I should say. I simply raise my head higher and nod and smile at them.
I try to write, but it seems lately since you’ve been gone my inspiration has faded to longing poems, and broken pieces of writing that want for completion but lack the means to find it. I will be traveling soon to the gardens in the park where they’ve recently opened a section for the planting of flowers and the like by the community. I’ve planted roses there. I hope that my success with them is evident in the beautiful fruits of these exotic scented flowers. Your orchid sounds exquisite, I can almost see it. I imagine its smell to be something I have only dreamed of, floral yet light, delicate yet strong. This orchid represents you to me now, so I will learn more of them and be sure to have plenty of varieties on hand for your return.
As the day moves on and at night when it becomes quiet, I long for the comfort of your presence. Sometimes I leave the windows open and the breeze comes in washing over me. I can almost hear your voice whispered to me on that breeze. It comforts me to know that somewhere you are seeing the same sky I am even if yours is light while mine is dark.
I can’t imagine being where you are without any comfort of modern society. I wish I could somehow miraculously show up where you are with a basket of your favorite things to ease your time away from home. For now though, all I can give you is the enclosed piece of material of mine. I’ve taken the liberty of scenting it with the jasmine and lavender scents you love to smell on me so much. May it fly swiftly to you and give you the breath of air that I breathe too. And may it carry my love to your heart to tide you until we meet again.
In spirit and heart,
Cherie
*****
Thoughts? Critiques? Post em if you got em :P
Seeing your writing on this paper gave me such relief to know you were well. Though I wish this paper would prove to be a window through which I could simply reach my hand through and feel you to remember your reality. It seems so long since we have been apart, though I know time only moves as slow as it does in my heart because it longs for you.
I know your cause is a just one. I hold my head high even to those that would quietly whisper as I enter the room. I wonder if they think me deaf? I know they whisper of your adventurous pursuit of that which they do not believe in. I can almost hear them “What would wild natives be able to tell us about health?” To them I say, what sort of people are we if we do not strive, by any means, possible to better ourselves, to help others, to end suffering. I do not need to be betrothed to you to be your defender or support. I know in my heart and in my mind that your travels are for the greater good. It is too bad that people without vision are driven by ego and not passion to know more, to acquire that vision.
The children I teach ask me peculiar questions sometimes. It makes me wonder if the parents aren’t speaking to them or speaking loudly enough that perhaps they hear. They ask all sorts of questions about the jungle and why someone would go so deep into the darkness of the world. The headmaster also spoke with me asking me how you faired. I thought it a peculiar question for one so removed from our private lives.
I still do the ladies luncheon teas though and for the most part all I notice are occasional glances my way from some of the High Society women. They are the stagnation of change. The very epitome of it, I should say. I simply raise my head higher and nod and smile at them.
I try to write, but it seems lately since you’ve been gone my inspiration has faded to longing poems, and broken pieces of writing that want for completion but lack the means to find it. I will be traveling soon to the gardens in the park where they’ve recently opened a section for the planting of flowers and the like by the community. I’ve planted roses there. I hope that my success with them is evident in the beautiful fruits of these exotic scented flowers. Your orchid sounds exquisite, I can almost see it. I imagine its smell to be something I have only dreamed of, floral yet light, delicate yet strong. This orchid represents you to me now, so I will learn more of them and be sure to have plenty of varieties on hand for your return.
As the day moves on and at night when it becomes quiet, I long for the comfort of your presence. Sometimes I leave the windows open and the breeze comes in washing over me. I can almost hear your voice whispered to me on that breeze. It comforts me to know that somewhere you are seeing the same sky I am even if yours is light while mine is dark.
I can’t imagine being where you are without any comfort of modern society. I wish I could somehow miraculously show up where you are with a basket of your favorite things to ease your time away from home. For now though, all I can give you is the enclosed piece of material of mine. I’ve taken the liberty of scenting it with the jasmine and lavender scents you love to smell on me so much. May it fly swiftly to you and give you the breath of air that I breathe too. And may it carry my love to your heart to tide you until we meet again.
In spirit and heart,
Cherie
*****
Thoughts? Critiques? Post em if you got em :P
Monday... (Insert witty title here)
Welcome to Monday.
It was an interesting if not slow, weekend. Friday I went grocery shopping (ugh) with my mother no doubt. I HATE grocery shopping. I can’t wait till I make enough to have delivery or until I have a partner who will share that responsibility with me… I can’t stand it. Did I mention I dislike it?
Lugging groceries in and putting everything away, pretty much wiped me. It’s almost that time of year when it’s getting warmer here and those of you who know me know I like to stay cool. I turned the air conditioner on in my bedroom because it was so warm in my apartment. It was nice to be cool after a time. Course it doesn’t help that I’m overweight I think.. The temperature is always too warm for me, or it’s absolutely toe numbing freezing lol. I can’t ever get it right.
Saturday I let myself sleep until nearly 10am. It’s a strange thing for me to do, as I’m usually up early (Damn this early morning job!). But I spent the day relaxing pretty much and doing some hard core gaming. Between that and dozing when I wanted it was a nice day.
Sunday, I went to my mothers for Easter and had a lovely dinner with her. She gave me lots of goodies to take home most of which I forgot for lunch. We had a good conversation (no we didn’t kill each other, nor did we even wound each other *gasp* perhaps we’re growing out of our anger lol). It was a very nice time.
I stayed up way too late again last night and I’m tired today as a result, but it’s ok for the most part. Yay for shorter hair, that I can mange in the morning… Yes, that means I was a TOTAL girl today :P Check this out, not ONLY did I do my hair today AND my makeup… uh huh, but I also did my nails (and kept doing them) all weekend long! Heh, I know… not a big deal to most, but it IS to me. My hands look better than they have for years… My nails *gap* are growing a little bit and I feel human albeit tired this morning. Today just might be the day I take my cam shots. Everytime I get my hair cut I take cam shots. I didn’t Friday because well I was sweaty *yuck*. But today I just might :D Be afraid… be very afraid.
*****
Well “S” is back today and Crony should be in too. All this and today is the day that the mail switches from our old provider to our new one (GoDaddy). While this doesn’t pose a problem for this techie junkie, it does pose a problem with the hens in the office. We’re talking about people who think their hard drive crashes after they’ve plugged in speakers because a cord has come undone (and no, they didn’t check lol) After I changed the server around (as I was supposed to do) and suffered the fiasco from that… I have opted to not touch ANYTHING that the hens would fear. However, today it seems I’m handling the switchover entirely. I hope (and pray for me dear readers) that it goes smoothly. I would SO love to wear the I told you so face of smugness when I look at Crony or “S” after everything goes without a hitch.
Pray for me.
*****
So no Mr. R this weekend. That’s ok, he didn’t call and I didn’t call either. It’s funny, I’m so laid back about things like this anymore. It just doesn’t bother me. I do not have the energy to put into worrying about when someone calls or doesn’t. I hope he’s ok.
So Mr. S has made an entrance into my web of friendship. However did he manage that so quickly? Well, by being honest, and having some important things in common with me right off the bat.
See I’m on auto pilot a lot. Being online and immersed in a mainly male driven gaming society means that I get hit on a lot. Especially more so because I’m actually a woman playing a male driven game lol. For the most part, I get hit on in game by the 18-24 crowd. At least in my fighting game WoW. In the chat games There and Second Life I get hit on by the 40-50 crowd. In the few ads I’ve placed I get hit on by the 46-56+ crowd. I’d really be happy if someone who was my age or close to it would hit on me; and also actually someone with the same morals, and ideas and things too. Someone who isn’t into animals, or weird fetishes like smelling nylons or something and one who doesn’t follow the idea of having to have a mistress to satisfy your needs . I mean come on… you really think telling me that because I “wouldn’t come around, I had to talk to my mistress and get taken care of” is going to make me hot? Well it does… hot under the collar in anger. That type of thinking is just so wrong in my eyes… wait a minute. DAMMIT, I’ve derailed my own thoughts!
Ok so back to Mr. S. He’s nice, has some important things in common with me, understands the drive for gaming, and thinks I’m pretty (even overweight! Wow). Welcome Mr. S to my circle of friends. Your honesty with be a welcome addition to the growing group of people I learn about in friendship.
*****
So on the Job front, no change. New news on “the BIG J” yet. Apparently the company is really interested, but is too busy to make a decision. They better hurry… I will be dropping myself into the available job market soon and hopefully someone near my home will say “HOLY Crap where have you been! Start now, here’s 50K a year and benefits”. Yea, so I guess I’m still dreaming :P
Crony will be here soon so I better hurry, wouldn’t want my keystrokes counted :P
*****
WELL WISHES
Blame Crony for not being able to wish everyone individually well today. I do however wish you a day of beauty because for the first time in a LONG time, I FEEL beautiful and I think everyone should. See some beauty, particularly in yourself… because you ALL are beautiful
*****
AND REMEMBER:
People can live one hundred years without really living a minute.
(Now that’s something to think about….)
It was an interesting if not slow, weekend. Friday I went grocery shopping (ugh) with my mother no doubt. I HATE grocery shopping. I can’t wait till I make enough to have delivery or until I have a partner who will share that responsibility with me… I can’t stand it. Did I mention I dislike it?
Lugging groceries in and putting everything away, pretty much wiped me. It’s almost that time of year when it’s getting warmer here and those of you who know me know I like to stay cool. I turned the air conditioner on in my bedroom because it was so warm in my apartment. It was nice to be cool after a time. Course it doesn’t help that I’m overweight I think.. The temperature is always too warm for me, or it’s absolutely toe numbing freezing lol. I can’t ever get it right.
Saturday I let myself sleep until nearly 10am. It’s a strange thing for me to do, as I’m usually up early (Damn this early morning job!). But I spent the day relaxing pretty much and doing some hard core gaming. Between that and dozing when I wanted it was a nice day.
Sunday, I went to my mothers for Easter and had a lovely dinner with her. She gave me lots of goodies to take home most of which I forgot for lunch. We had a good conversation (no we didn’t kill each other, nor did we even wound each other *gasp* perhaps we’re growing out of our anger lol). It was a very nice time.
I stayed up way too late again last night and I’m tired today as a result, but it’s ok for the most part. Yay for shorter hair, that I can mange in the morning… Yes, that means I was a TOTAL girl today :P Check this out, not ONLY did I do my hair today AND my makeup… uh huh, but I also did my nails (and kept doing them) all weekend long! Heh, I know… not a big deal to most, but it IS to me. My hands look better than they have for years… My nails *gap* are growing a little bit and I feel human albeit tired this morning. Today just might be the day I take my cam shots. Everytime I get my hair cut I take cam shots. I didn’t Friday because well I was sweaty *yuck*. But today I just might :D Be afraid… be very afraid.
*****
Well “S” is back today and Crony should be in too. All this and today is the day that the mail switches from our old provider to our new one (GoDaddy). While this doesn’t pose a problem for this techie junkie, it does pose a problem with the hens in the office. We’re talking about people who think their hard drive crashes after they’ve plugged in speakers because a cord has come undone (and no, they didn’t check lol) After I changed the server around (as I was supposed to do) and suffered the fiasco from that… I have opted to not touch ANYTHING that the hens would fear. However, today it seems I’m handling the switchover entirely. I hope (and pray for me dear readers) that it goes smoothly. I would SO love to wear the I told you so face of smugness when I look at Crony or “S” after everything goes without a hitch.
Pray for me.
*****
So no Mr. R this weekend. That’s ok, he didn’t call and I didn’t call either. It’s funny, I’m so laid back about things like this anymore. It just doesn’t bother me. I do not have the energy to put into worrying about when someone calls or doesn’t. I hope he’s ok.
So Mr. S has made an entrance into my web of friendship. However did he manage that so quickly? Well, by being honest, and having some important things in common with me right off the bat.
See I’m on auto pilot a lot. Being online and immersed in a mainly male driven gaming society means that I get hit on a lot. Especially more so because I’m actually a woman playing a male driven game lol. For the most part, I get hit on in game by the 18-24 crowd. At least in my fighting game WoW. In the chat games There and Second Life I get hit on by the 40-50 crowd. In the few ads I’ve placed I get hit on by the 46-56+ crowd. I’d really be happy if someone who was my age or close to it would hit on me; and also actually someone with the same morals, and ideas and things too. Someone who isn’t into animals, or weird fetishes like smelling nylons or something and one who doesn’t follow the idea of having to have a mistress to satisfy your needs . I mean come on… you really think telling me that because I “wouldn’t come around, I had to talk to my mistress and get taken care of” is going to make me hot? Well it does… hot under the collar in anger. That type of thinking is just so wrong in my eyes… wait a minute. DAMMIT, I’ve derailed my own thoughts!
Ok so back to Mr. S. He’s nice, has some important things in common with me, understands the drive for gaming, and thinks I’m pretty (even overweight! Wow). Welcome Mr. S to my circle of friends. Your honesty with be a welcome addition to the growing group of people I learn about in friendship.
*****
So on the Job front, no change. New news on “the BIG J” yet. Apparently the company is really interested, but is too busy to make a decision. They better hurry… I will be dropping myself into the available job market soon and hopefully someone near my home will say “HOLY Crap where have you been! Start now, here’s 50K a year and benefits”. Yea, so I guess I’m still dreaming :P
Crony will be here soon so I better hurry, wouldn’t want my keystrokes counted :P
*****
WELL WISHES
Blame Crony for not being able to wish everyone individually well today. I do however wish you a day of beauty because for the first time in a LONG time, I FEEL beautiful and I think everyone should. See some beauty, particularly in yourself… because you ALL are beautiful
*****
AND REMEMBER:
People can live one hundred years without really living a minute.
(Now that’s something to think about….)
Friday, April 14, 2006
Sampson's Delilah had some wine and cut off all her hair...
I do not know what happened last night. No, I wasn’t on some major booze or drug induced binge, but I do not know what happened when I was sleeping last night. All I know is I decided to get my hair cut yesterday. I blame the wine that Mrs. Fashionista and “J” opened at the office yesterday. It was particularly yummy and I did enjoy a full glass of it. Laughing already eh? Well a thimble full of any alcohol has a lot of effect on me ;) I’m such a light weight anymore.
Anyway, so I had my wine and I was thinking about the big “J” I’m waiting to hear about. I was also reflecting calmly (as wine makes you do) about my reasons for not really giving a shit about my appearance 80% of the time. Mind you I’m no sloth, I do bathe thank you very much. :P But I hardly ever anymore do what I call “girlie stuff”. You know, things like nails, makeup, style the hair instead of just let it hang… that kind of thing. In any event I was thinking that perhaps because my hair is so long, is the reason I do not tend to it more often. It’s hard to style it, and because it would take so much time I generally don’t do anything with it unless it’s a special occasion, because I do not HAVE the time in the mornings.
So as the wine numbed me, I got more and more excited about it. And using the idea of having a good hair style for the big “J” possibility as the catalyst I announced at 4pm that I was cutting my hair. I’ve never been one for long term planning even down to the cutting of hair, so I called the local salon who just so happened to have an opening at 4:15 and off I went.
I met with Jordan a fairly pretty 20 something hairstylist. Her hair was 5 different colors and piled on top of her head in some fashion. She didn’t talk much but she worked quickly. We shared a few niceties, but mainly she cut and cut and CUT. When she was done, I had the cutest hairstyle collarbone length haircut. I stood up and looked about the floor and almost cried there was so much hair there (she cut off about 3-4 inches she said) but my head felt 30 pounds lighter (which was good considering the wine I had drank made me feel heavier ;) and I was happy.
I drove home with the music too loud and a smile on my face. It was a great ride home.
Anyway so onto the night, I stayed up way too late doing what I wanted to do. Finally at about 12am I got up and started cleaning. (I clean on Thursday nights because a. there isn’t much mess me living alone and all and b. that leaves my weekend open for whatever). By the time that was done it was 12:30. Then I logged into a game I had just installed a few days ago for about 10 minutes. Then I began flipping channels all the while conscious of the time, but really not caring. A storm came about flashing and thundering and giving me only a small scare once when the lights flickered. And so I went to bed. It was just after 1am. Most of you know that I work at 7am, and my drive is 45 min long. You do the math. On a good day I should be up at 5:30. Most days I get up at 6 or 6:15. Today, I woke up at 6:35 taking brief note that my alarm was off and I was LATE.
All I remember of the night is that around 2 am or so, the storm finally broke and the waters came down hard. I closed my bedroom window stumbling around the bed half asleep. I collapsed back into bed and slept in a most awkward position. I do not remember getting up, or doing anything else… The really weird part about it is when I DID get up; things in my house were moved around.
When you live alone you know where things are. Even if you’re not conscious of their placement, you know when something has been moved. Several things had been moved. Apparently I had been walking around? I’ve never been known to sleep walk, but I was largely unsettled this morning to see not only my alarm clock off, but my clothing laid out (in my typical I know I’m going to be late fashion to have it ready so I can throw it on). Perhaps I should lay off the wine… either that or never cut my hair again :P
*****
WELL WISHES
It’s Friday, so today I wish everyone much JOY. Think back to when you were in school and remember how good it felt to get to FRIDAY. Today I wish you abundant amounts of that youthful joy…
*****
AND REMEMBER
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in "Life In Hell'', by (Matt Groening)
Anyway, so I had my wine and I was thinking about the big “J” I’m waiting to hear about. I was also reflecting calmly (as wine makes you do) about my reasons for not really giving a shit about my appearance 80% of the time. Mind you I’m no sloth, I do bathe thank you very much. :P But I hardly ever anymore do what I call “girlie stuff”. You know, things like nails, makeup, style the hair instead of just let it hang… that kind of thing. In any event I was thinking that perhaps because my hair is so long, is the reason I do not tend to it more often. It’s hard to style it, and because it would take so much time I generally don’t do anything with it unless it’s a special occasion, because I do not HAVE the time in the mornings.
So as the wine numbed me, I got more and more excited about it. And using the idea of having a good hair style for the big “J” possibility as the catalyst I announced at 4pm that I was cutting my hair. I’ve never been one for long term planning even down to the cutting of hair, so I called the local salon who just so happened to have an opening at 4:15 and off I went.
I met with Jordan a fairly pretty 20 something hairstylist. Her hair was 5 different colors and piled on top of her head in some fashion. She didn’t talk much but she worked quickly. We shared a few niceties, but mainly she cut and cut and CUT. When she was done, I had the cutest hairstyle collarbone length haircut. I stood up and looked about the floor and almost cried there was so much hair there (she cut off about 3-4 inches she said) but my head felt 30 pounds lighter (which was good considering the wine I had drank made me feel heavier ;) and I was happy.
I drove home with the music too loud and a smile on my face. It was a great ride home.
Anyway so onto the night, I stayed up way too late doing what I wanted to do. Finally at about 12am I got up and started cleaning. (I clean on Thursday nights because a. there isn’t much mess me living alone and all and b. that leaves my weekend open for whatever). By the time that was done it was 12:30. Then I logged into a game I had just installed a few days ago for about 10 minutes. Then I began flipping channels all the while conscious of the time, but really not caring. A storm came about flashing and thundering and giving me only a small scare once when the lights flickered. And so I went to bed. It was just after 1am. Most of you know that I work at 7am, and my drive is 45 min long. You do the math. On a good day I should be up at 5:30. Most days I get up at 6 or 6:15. Today, I woke up at 6:35 taking brief note that my alarm was off and I was LATE.
All I remember of the night is that around 2 am or so, the storm finally broke and the waters came down hard. I closed my bedroom window stumbling around the bed half asleep. I collapsed back into bed and slept in a most awkward position. I do not remember getting up, or doing anything else… The really weird part about it is when I DID get up; things in my house were moved around.
When you live alone you know where things are. Even if you’re not conscious of their placement, you know when something has been moved. Several things had been moved. Apparently I had been walking around? I’ve never been known to sleep walk, but I was largely unsettled this morning to see not only my alarm clock off, but my clothing laid out (in my typical I know I’m going to be late fashion to have it ready so I can throw it on). Perhaps I should lay off the wine… either that or never cut my hair again :P
*****
WELL WISHES
It’s Friday, so today I wish everyone much JOY. Think back to when you were in school and remember how good it felt to get to FRIDAY. Today I wish you abundant amounts of that youthful joy…
*****
AND REMEMBER
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in "Life In Hell'', by (Matt Groening)
Thursday, April 13, 2006
YAY my Taxes are DONE!!!
My Taxes are done!!!! WOOOHOOO
So here’s how the story of my taxes goes… Wake up today just barely on time, throw my hair in some style, get dressed and sit down feeling guilty about my taxes in front of the pc. Start them online with TurboTax at 6:20 (NOTE the time, I should already be leaving for work :P ). Finish my federal filing at 6:30 and start my state, leave the house at 6:35am WAAAY late, and head to work nearly done with my taxes. Fly like a bat out of hell through a normally 45 minute drive (thank god for holiday weekends and green lights!) and get to work at 7:08am YAY!. Sit down and begin again where I left off. One half hour later finish my taxes pay my $64.85 in filing/payment right from my return (versus credit card and paying now) and smile at the little bit of money I’ll be getting back. (Yes, little… the filing fees were $64.85 so that didn’t help but for the ease of mind and convenience I’ll pay it).
And voila taxes are done man! Heh.
*****
And now onto much more important topics (I mean who really cares about taxes anyway?).
THANK YOU DANA!!!!!!!
I was hitting a low slump yesterday. I actually made a blog post and didn’t post it, it was that bad :P But Dana called literally at 3:30pm and started talking about sushi and she said the magic word (Shout it if you know it!) AVOCADOS. The sharp intake of breath at the very mention of that most delicious food was enough to know that no matter how low I was feeling, I was going for sushi :P
And on the 7th day God made sushi and it was so…and it was good
(Ok so he cheated and made avocados before then :P)
Thank you thank thank you Dana. I needed that.
After a good hearty meal of sushi and good soul food in the form of physical contact/friendship, I went home sated as if I had eaten a feast for a king. I also slept better last night than I have in a long time. Maybe it was the super white tuna that did it :P Though I’m more apt to think it was Dana.
I realized something yesterday as Dana and I stood outside the sushi house we had been at sighing over our delicious meal. Sometimes like the moment in time yesterday when I stood with her and thanked her for helping me see that I needed to be out, I realized… it doesn’t get any better than this.
*****
I could almost forget that I have love woes I had so much damn good sushi yesterday. But alas they persist as real as that annoying sound your alarm clock makes when you have to get up. I’m still single. Heh. I really have a wild pendulum effect of emotions about this. I’m sure everyone does. Everyone has self concerns, fears, doubts, etc. I try to keep it in that perspective. It’s hard though. I still struggle with it. I walk a thin line between hope and optimism and despair and fears. I feel loved one minute both online and offline (from my friends), and the next I feel alone because no matter what “potential partners” (not just friends, i.e. people I’ve met who’ve said they care for me and wish to be with me) won’t choose to be just that… Should I sit and wait? No… But it’s hard when you know what you want and you can’t have it.
I’ve also grown a little jaded these days. I have such a hard time when people online tell me “I would really like to get to know you”. To those people, I send them a link to my blog and say start here… Because as vague as the information can sometimes be, this is really the bleak, hopeful, assertive, optimistic truth of my current life. It may not be the best, but it is what it is. So if you want to get to know me, TRULY want to know me and take time to figure me out, then read… THEN show me you still care and that I am important. Because as far as that goes, I need (yes NEED) to know that I would be top priority… not every second of the day, but that I would be important. Only then can the words people may express, ever be more than just empty words filled with promises made of smoke. Then they can be reality.
And I want reality… I really do. I may not be ready to have someone in my personal space. I may think I’m ready for someone in my life and truly not be, but dammit I want the opportunity to know this, learn about this, and grow. I almost feel like this is the one area of life that just is the key to a lot of things. Wishful thinking? Maybe… but I’ll think it just the same.
I’m out here…waiting for you.
*****
WELL WISHES
Today I wish everyone peace, love, light and happiness… Do today whatever makes you happy. Get an ice cream cone, have a glass of wine, call an old friend, whatever makes you happy do it today. Know that I’m thinking of you and wishing you strength for your decisions, peace for the past, and hope for the future in all you do.
*****
AND REMEMBER:
“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time”
~Friedrich Nietzsche
So here’s how the story of my taxes goes… Wake up today just barely on time, throw my hair in some style, get dressed and sit down feeling guilty about my taxes in front of the pc. Start them online with TurboTax at 6:20 (NOTE the time, I should already be leaving for work :P ). Finish my federal filing at 6:30 and start my state, leave the house at 6:35am WAAAY late, and head to work nearly done with my taxes. Fly like a bat out of hell through a normally 45 minute drive (thank god for holiday weekends and green lights!) and get to work at 7:08am YAY!. Sit down and begin again where I left off. One half hour later finish my taxes pay my $64.85 in filing/payment right from my return (versus credit card and paying now) and smile at the little bit of money I’ll be getting back. (Yes, little… the filing fees were $64.85 so that didn’t help but for the ease of mind and convenience I’ll pay it).
And voila taxes are done man! Heh.
*****
And now onto much more important topics (I mean who really cares about taxes anyway?).
THANK YOU DANA!!!!!!!
I was hitting a low slump yesterday. I actually made a blog post and didn’t post it, it was that bad :P But Dana called literally at 3:30pm and started talking about sushi and she said the magic word (Shout it if you know it!) AVOCADOS. The sharp intake of breath at the very mention of that most delicious food was enough to know that no matter how low I was feeling, I was going for sushi :P
And on the 7th day God made sushi and it was so…and it was good
(Ok so he cheated and made avocados before then :P)
Thank you thank thank you Dana. I needed that.
After a good hearty meal of sushi and good soul food in the form of physical contact/friendship, I went home sated as if I had eaten a feast for a king. I also slept better last night than I have in a long time. Maybe it was the super white tuna that did it :P Though I’m more apt to think it was Dana.
I realized something yesterday as Dana and I stood outside the sushi house we had been at sighing over our delicious meal. Sometimes like the moment in time yesterday when I stood with her and thanked her for helping me see that I needed to be out, I realized… it doesn’t get any better than this.
*****
I could almost forget that I have love woes I had so much damn good sushi yesterday. But alas they persist as real as that annoying sound your alarm clock makes when you have to get up. I’m still single. Heh. I really have a wild pendulum effect of emotions about this. I’m sure everyone does. Everyone has self concerns, fears, doubts, etc. I try to keep it in that perspective. It’s hard though. I still struggle with it. I walk a thin line between hope and optimism and despair and fears. I feel loved one minute both online and offline (from my friends), and the next I feel alone because no matter what “potential partners” (not just friends, i.e. people I’ve met who’ve said they care for me and wish to be with me) won’t choose to be just that… Should I sit and wait? No… But it’s hard when you know what you want and you can’t have it.
I’ve also grown a little jaded these days. I have such a hard time when people online tell me “I would really like to get to know you”. To those people, I send them a link to my blog and say start here… Because as vague as the information can sometimes be, this is really the bleak, hopeful, assertive, optimistic truth of my current life. It may not be the best, but it is what it is. So if you want to get to know me, TRULY want to know me and take time to figure me out, then read… THEN show me you still care and that I am important. Because as far as that goes, I need (yes NEED) to know that I would be top priority… not every second of the day, but that I would be important. Only then can the words people may express, ever be more than just empty words filled with promises made of smoke. Then they can be reality.
And I want reality… I really do. I may not be ready to have someone in my personal space. I may think I’m ready for someone in my life and truly not be, but dammit I want the opportunity to know this, learn about this, and grow. I almost feel like this is the one area of life that just is the key to a lot of things. Wishful thinking? Maybe… but I’ll think it just the same.
I’m out here…waiting for you.
*****
WELL WISHES
Today I wish everyone peace, love, light and happiness… Do today whatever makes you happy. Get an ice cream cone, have a glass of wine, call an old friend, whatever makes you happy do it today. Know that I’m thinking of you and wishing you strength for your decisions, peace for the past, and hope for the future in all you do.
*****
AND REMEMBER:
“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time”
~Friedrich Nietzsche
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
My Cherie...
Cherie,
The weather is hot here today. The sun shines down so fiercely it’s as if the gods themselves are unleashing their fury in a heat wave. The locals almost believe that nonsense.
The jungles are redolent with the smell of jasmine and moss. A strange combination that entices the senses and draws one in further I dare say. It almost has magnetism so strong that one could literally sit among the foliage and daydream all day and get nothing done. But the Amazon Jungle is a dangerous place as well and caution must be exerted to prevent the local natives from thinking we’re pilfering from their lands.
In our searching, many new species of plants are being found everyday. Most are simply lovely and prove to be ample in their offerings for medical treatments and such. We work from 8am until almost 6pm everyday. The work keeps me busy and the heat leaves me tired.
At night though, when the silver moon hangs suspended from the sky, I hang my cares upon its crescent and think of you. How fairs life in England? Do you still practice your writing? The students you teach must realize what a wonderful governess they have. Surely if they do not, I know.
I plucked a flower today from the maze of flora we stumbled across. It was the most vibrant flower, with coloring of rose, coral, and yellow. The crew I am with announced upon stumbling on it, that it was a very rare type of orchid. It blooms only one week of the year and is indigenous in the Ampivacu river where it completely covers the banks of the river. It is said that the Yagua natives use it traditionally for their dyes. I can see why. Still though, as I stared at this exotic flower all I could think of was how much I miss you Cherie. These hot nights, cool mornings, and long days amplify the distant echoes of your voice as we parted our goodbyes. My arms still tingle from where you put your hand on my shoulder smiling at me in the sunlight. I wish that this flower, whose bright life is so very short, could somehow be prolonged so that you could see the rare beauty it has. I shall try to preserve it for you Cherie.
Tomorrow we travel up the river further in search of other plants that the natives will show us. My head is here with the crew, but my heart is back with you. Give my regards to the family. I shall pray to be free of this servitude so I may see you soon.
Longing for the sight of your beautiful eyes, I remain faithfully yours:
Clarence
©SKW
(Thoughts? If you read this, please post a response (Good, bad or otherwise)
*****
Yes a lot is going on with me; no I do not wish to post it. In lieu of my thoughts, I shall post my writing. Oh and I do have one thing to say.
DO NOT TALK ABOUT PEOPLE. IT HURTS NO MATTER WHAT.
Yea.
*****
AND REMEMBER:
"The most important single ingredient in the formula for success is knowing how to get along with people." Theodore Roosevelt
The weather is hot here today. The sun shines down so fiercely it’s as if the gods themselves are unleashing their fury in a heat wave. The locals almost believe that nonsense.
The jungles are redolent with the smell of jasmine and moss. A strange combination that entices the senses and draws one in further I dare say. It almost has magnetism so strong that one could literally sit among the foliage and daydream all day and get nothing done. But the Amazon Jungle is a dangerous place as well and caution must be exerted to prevent the local natives from thinking we’re pilfering from their lands.
In our searching, many new species of plants are being found everyday. Most are simply lovely and prove to be ample in their offerings for medical treatments and such. We work from 8am until almost 6pm everyday. The work keeps me busy and the heat leaves me tired.
At night though, when the silver moon hangs suspended from the sky, I hang my cares upon its crescent and think of you. How fairs life in England? Do you still practice your writing? The students you teach must realize what a wonderful governess they have. Surely if they do not, I know.
I plucked a flower today from the maze of flora we stumbled across. It was the most vibrant flower, with coloring of rose, coral, and yellow. The crew I am with announced upon stumbling on it, that it was a very rare type of orchid. It blooms only one week of the year and is indigenous in the Ampivacu river where it completely covers the banks of the river. It is said that the Yagua natives use it traditionally for their dyes. I can see why. Still though, as I stared at this exotic flower all I could think of was how much I miss you Cherie. These hot nights, cool mornings, and long days amplify the distant echoes of your voice as we parted our goodbyes. My arms still tingle from where you put your hand on my shoulder smiling at me in the sunlight. I wish that this flower, whose bright life is so very short, could somehow be prolonged so that you could see the rare beauty it has. I shall try to preserve it for you Cherie.
Tomorrow we travel up the river further in search of other plants that the natives will show us. My head is here with the crew, but my heart is back with you. Give my regards to the family. I shall pray to be free of this servitude so I may see you soon.
Longing for the sight of your beautiful eyes, I remain faithfully yours:
Clarence
©SKW
(Thoughts? If you read this, please post a response (Good, bad or otherwise)
*****
Yes a lot is going on with me; no I do not wish to post it. In lieu of my thoughts, I shall post my writing. Oh and I do have one thing to say.
DO NOT TALK ABOUT PEOPLE. IT HURTS NO MATTER WHAT.
Yea.
*****
AND REMEMBER:
"The most important single ingredient in the formula for success is knowing how to get along with people." Theodore Roosevelt
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Tuesday's Child was walking the thin line between happy & sad, until she fell off...
I’ve been reading a lot lately on the scares of the internet. Man I’ll tell you if you sit down and read it all, you’ll truly be sufficiently freaked out. It’s amazing what information we readily give away. There are some weirdoes in this world for sure and we should all be better protected against the threats that they make just by being around. Some of the things I’ve been reading are stories involving teens who use the internet as a means to reach out to many people. The internet has many different ways to do this, most commonly used and lately getting the worst press is http://www.myspace.com/. It’s supposedly a place for folks to meet, network etc. Originally devised as a means for bands to promote their music, it’s turned into the biggest buzz for teens and unfortunately for the sickos who follow them…
Be careful internet users. This once naïve muse has had her eyes opened a lot recently and you TRULY never know who you’re talking to, sharing your stories with or letting into your life. It saddens me to say that of the encounters I’ve had with people about 80% of those people have been liars, or had otherwise bad intentions to me or the people I know. It’s a frightening statistic, but it’s a true one.
Be safe people…
*****
“S” is on vacation to sunny Arizona this week. What this means for me is Crony has been in Monday, Today, and will be tomorrow. Pray for me dear readers of my drudgery, that I live or that Crony lives through the next day and a half… Oh and apparently everyone will be out on Friday, but I’m ordered to work that day “Just in case there is something that comes in”. Oh I see… everyone gets a holiday but me. Thanks, keep reminding me why I need to leave here…
*****
I have so many things I want to talk about, but time doesn’t permit it today. So I’ll give you all a cliff notes version of what I think you want to know about.
I think that’s it. Enjoy dear readers… my life is just as boring as it was yesterday. Glad you share the boredom with me, it makes it bearable.
*****
WELL WISHES
To everyone… Love openly and unafraid, but be safe. The heart will guide you, but your mind will protect you.
Today I wish you all love, happiness, and joy. Because… well because you deserve it.
*****
AND REMEMBER:
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. ~Author Unknown
Be careful internet users. This once naïve muse has had her eyes opened a lot recently and you TRULY never know who you’re talking to, sharing your stories with or letting into your life. It saddens me to say that of the encounters I’ve had with people about 80% of those people have been liars, or had otherwise bad intentions to me or the people I know. It’s a frightening statistic, but it’s a true one.
Be safe people…
*****
“S” is on vacation to sunny Arizona this week. What this means for me is Crony has been in Monday, Today, and will be tomorrow. Pray for me dear readers of my drudgery, that I live or that Crony lives through the next day and a half… Oh and apparently everyone will be out on Friday, but I’m ordered to work that day “Just in case there is something that comes in”. Oh I see… everyone gets a holiday but me. Thanks, keep reminding me why I need to leave here…
*****
I have so many things I want to talk about, but time doesn’t permit it today. So I’ll give you all a cliff notes version of what I think you want to know about.
- No word on the Big “J”. I sent a thank you email, but my recruiter says they’re sluggish about finalizing things. However he thinks they want me. Yahoo, now just formalize it so I can get on with my life.
- No change in love life *sigh*. Still devastatingly single, and truly giving up on the quest for love. I’ll have to come to the realization that some people are just meant to give love to others but never have that type of love in their life. I guess I’m just one of them. This makes me sad, but I suppose I’ll live or die of a broken empty heart. (Or win the most dramatic award, I don’t know you decide).
- No change on the weight loss front. I apparently lack the motivation seeing as I just don’t seem to care when I put the things in my mouth that I eat. Maybe quitting smoking 4 years ago took all my motivation away. Or maybe I just don’t think people care (least of all me lol).
- Yes, I’m better from my fall though my leg really hurts when I twist it to rest it on top of something. Additionally walking sometimes after sitting in that mildly uncomfortable position hurts too.
- No I’m not 100% better from being sick. I still have sinus congestion, and occasionally fevers. Such is the life for me lately. At least I don’t suffer my usual plethora of troubles (some of you know what I mean).
- I watched The Notebook the other day. Man I’m getting to be an old sap. I cried like a baby. This movie was about good love, love that stands the test of time and trouble. I know we only see it .000000005% of the time, but I do believe it exists, just not for me. I cried more for the fact that with every fiber of my being I long for love like this and I know I won’t have it…
- I hate Alienware. They still reign in my asshat of the year awards as the top of my list. They SUCK… *breathes deep* now I feel better.
I think that’s it. Enjoy dear readers… my life is just as boring as it was yesterday. Glad you share the boredom with me, it makes it bearable.
*****
WELL WISHES
To everyone… Love openly and unafraid, but be safe. The heart will guide you, but your mind will protect you.
Today I wish you all love, happiness, and joy. Because… well because you deserve it.
*****
AND REMEMBER:
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. ~Author Unknown
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Musings for Tuesdays Child...
Today I reached up while gazing at the heavens and wrote your name in stardust. As I wrote, gently it filtered down over my arm casting a slight glow to everything I saw. Blinking sleepily I whispered your name and in my heart I knew you heard me. As if in a dream covered with the glow of a million stars I whispered my truth… I love you, and knew you understood.
~*~To Paint with Stars~*~
(I have no idea where this came from, but it is what I was inspired to write this morning. I hope you enjoy it *smile*)
*****
I feel like I want to write today. I realize that the series known previously as Love Letters is I think all written out of me. But perhaps something new may come along.
Having written now two books and publishing my writing for all to see fills me with a sense of accomplishment for various reasons, but also reminds me that I need to write more. Writing for me is not just a tool of creativity. It’s my therapy. It’s how I write my hearts emotions good, bad or otherwise and open my soul up to taking more in when emptied. It’s also how I get rid of the poison that life and bad people inflict on me in any fashion.
Because I’ve not had inspiration as of late I’ve not written anything and the one or two times I’ve tried, it’s been dark depressive, sad. I don’t mind that, you can’t have light without the dark. But I do not want all my writing to be dark.
I always have random thoughts, snippets of things running around in my head. It’s funny I can watch someone talking and respond appropriately but the whole time almost like a stock ticker is random phrases that will appear and scroll across the “screen” of my eyesight. I need a brain recorder so that these thoughts (some are really good!) aren’t lost.
*****
RANDOM THOUGHTS, POETRY, & SNIPPETS
(Beware: falling thoughts may cause some damage :P)
What would I give to be in your existence, in your space, a part of who you are… What I would give to breathe the air you breathe… What I would give to see what you see as I stand next to you hand in hand. What I would give would be everything for the precious second of time to know eternity with you.
Do we forget that we are angels, once made of stardust and that once upon a time we all knew each other and lived in love? Do we on a level unknown feel the click when we look into the face of our friends, world and recognize that we are all part of it. That we ARE it. That we are… still… angels of stardust if only we would believe.
I told you your eyes were beautiful and you looked at me incredulously, wondering “My god, is she a lesbian?” I told you your hair was beautiful when next we met and you looked again at me wondering “My goodness, what could she possibly want?” And on the third chance our eyes did meet I told you that you were so very special and that no one should take that from you…ever. It was only then that you looked at me with the eyes of your heart and knew as you gazed upon my naked honesty, that I spoke the truth. It was then that you knew that I offered you love in the form of the seldom used kind word. And it was then your soul smiled. THAT is what I wish to see everyday, the light turning on and the warmth showing through the windows…beckoning.
Hold tight to that designer purse, walk with a stride that says you’re confident, you know what you’re doing and you have it all planned out. Realize in your heart that even at 47 you are still the scared little girl hiding behind the invisible wall of stereotype and façade. Realize too, that I see you and that I will care for your feelings, tending to them with patience and hope as friends do to make your garden of dreams grow.
And today a little snippet of light:
Brushed across the sky in cotton soft clouds the beauty of the day awaited me.
As the voyeur I watched the glowing orb kiss the softness of the night goodbye
Like the lovers tender embrace they danced and I watched in silence
My breath hitched in my throat, my heart swelling in time to the music of peace
This was my sunrise when I was four.
Etched into my heart when I allow it, it is my sunrise everyday
Today I give it to you too, that you may feel its warmth.
*****
And because I can’t stop hearing this song, here for you today are the lyrics (listen to the song, it’s really good…)
Gregory And The Hawk - Boats And Birds
If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me
and come out at night
when I turn jet black
and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back
if you find another galaxy
far from here
with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
if you be my boat
I'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing
and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free
but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon
till I can't even see you
far from here
where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by
if you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me
and come out at night
when I turn jet black
and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here
with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by
*****
WELL WISHES:
To all of you who read this blog. I know it is boring sometimes, funny rarely, and sad a lot. But I’m happy to share it with you who would hold the emotions I offer close to your heart. So today I send you wishes for a days worth of vivid sunshine, spectacular sunsets, and peace in your heart with your life. Thank you for sharing in mine…
*****
AND REMEMBER:
"Who you are today is a product of what you did yesterday. Who you are tomorrow is a product of what you did today...make every second count!"
~Christie Jean-Baptiste
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