My blog has moved! I have decided to finally make the switch to Wordpress for a few of the features they have, that blogspot doesn’t have. You’ll find my new blog at http://celestialapprentice.wordpress.com. Take a look at the pages of the blog (a nice new feature) and see what you think.
Eventually I will be moving goddess works also. Though both ldymuse and goddessworks will remain here, they do so for history sake until I can back them both up.
Make sure you read all the pages of the Celestial Apprentice’s pages as there is some good information there… See you there!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Finally, SOMEONE said it...
The BEST article in the world today, is right here (or on Fox News, whichever you choose).
Grrr! Vick Finds Jesus in Record Time
Tuesday , August 28, 2007
By Mike Straka
Your GRRRs Things That Make Me Go Grrr! The GRRR! Book
"We all make mistakes," said Michael Vick. "Dogfighting is a terrible thing and I reject it ... I found Jesus and turned my life over to God. I think that's the right thing to do as of right now." Gee, that didn't take long.
I didn't think the curtain on the "finding Jesus" act would rise until after Vick went to jail, but alas, it came on the same day he made his plea deal official.
It took Paris Hilton a few hours in the slammer before she met Jesus, and Vick does it even before lockup. Who knew? He must have hired Hilton rep Elliot Mintz as his spokesman over the weekend.
Let's face it. Vick loves dogfighting. He loves the rush it gives him to see dogs that he helped to train maul and kill other dogs. Even his own father and grandfather say as much — although their witness to Vick's character is about as solid as Vick's future in football.
When ConVick's dogs didn't perform well, he killed them in a "collective" effort that amounted to electrocution and drowning, and when electricity or water were too much to ask for, he and his cohorts "collectively" body-slammed man's-best-friend to death.
"I made a mistake in using poor judgment and making bad decisions," he said.
Poor judgment? Keyshawn Johnson used poor judgment by writing a book in which he espoused on his greatness on the field. That's poor judgment, especially after you start dropping passes.
Bad decisions? Terrell Owens stuffing a Sharpie in his pants and autographing a football during a game is a bad decision.
What Vick did is called breaking the law. Committing a crime. Intentionally killing a living creature. For that, prosecutors recommend 12 to 18 months.
That's half the time Andrew Burnett got for grabbing a little bichon frise named Leo off its owner's lap and throwing the dog into oncoming traffic after a road rage incident seven years ago.
At least Burnett had the "road rage" defense. Vick's involvement in killing dogs had nothing to do with emotions. That decision was made in order to cut losses. Why pay to feed and house dogs that don't perform well?
He said we all make mistakes, but ask him to be honest, and he might tell you the only mistake he made was that he associated with the wrong types of people, and in the end, that's what got him caught. Don't forget, if Vick's cousin hadn't been involved with drugs, the dogfighting operation would never have been discovered while investigating Vick's Virginia property. And if you look back to Vick's initial statements, about associating with the wrong types of people, he was clearly aiming to let those people take the fall for him.
It's kind of like Lindsay Lohan eyeballing the owner of the SUV she allegedly hijacked a few weeks ago while saying to cops, "I wasn't driving, officer. Go on guys, tell him I wasn't driving." "I'm going to have a lot of downtime," Vick said before walking off the podium. You can say that again, Michael.
Things That Make Me Go Grrr!
The other day I read a story in one of the papers of record about two athletes who were raking in endorsement deals to the tune of over $1 million a year.
They are volleyball players who happen to be a couple. And while I applaud them for their athletic prowess and believe that they deserve to rake in whatever the market will bear for their services as spokespeople, I began to wonder what made them so attractive to sponsors.
Was it their success on the beach? Well, yes. But it goes deeper than that. Put simply, they attract an audience. A very desirable audience. In the business they call it the "demo," that much coveted 18-to-34 age group. This group presumably makes all of their long-term buying decisions during this time of their lives, when brand loyalty is akin to friendship.
But why do advertisers constantly choose athletes for these deals? Or pop stars? How many athletes (Michael Vick — duh) end up burning their endorsement sponsors with bad behavior?
How about Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears?
What will happen when everybody who is endorsing a product crashes and burns in some way, shape or form? And, is there anybody out there bulletproof? We know athletes, actors and singers — all attractive to sponsors — are not. How about bloggers? They have broad reach, but half of these people we never really "meet," or even know what they look like, so there's too much mystery surrounding them.
Maybe we should begin seeing commercials from Cirque du Soleil performers. First, the troupe is visually stunning. Second, it is family-friendly. Third, there is no one person who stands out in any performance, hence zero ego. And fourth, they make up their own language, so even if they did do anything stupid, we wouldn't know it.
But most of all, with 50 or more performers per commercial, nobody is getting stupid rich, which will probably alleviate most of the stupid things that stupid rich people do, more and more often these days.
Grrr! Vick Finds Jesus in Record Time
Tuesday , August 28, 2007
By Mike Straka
Your GRRRs Things That Make Me Go Grrr! The GRRR! Book
"We all make mistakes," said Michael Vick. "Dogfighting is a terrible thing and I reject it ... I found Jesus and turned my life over to God. I think that's the right thing to do as of right now." Gee, that didn't take long.
I didn't think the curtain on the "finding Jesus" act would rise until after Vick went to jail, but alas, it came on the same day he made his plea deal official.
It took Paris Hilton a few hours in the slammer before she met Jesus, and Vick does it even before lockup. Who knew? He must have hired Hilton rep Elliot Mintz as his spokesman over the weekend.
Let's face it. Vick loves dogfighting. He loves the rush it gives him to see dogs that he helped to train maul and kill other dogs. Even his own father and grandfather say as much — although their witness to Vick's character is about as solid as Vick's future in football.
When ConVick's dogs didn't perform well, he killed them in a "collective" effort that amounted to electrocution and drowning, and when electricity or water were too much to ask for, he and his cohorts "collectively" body-slammed man's-best-friend to death.
"I made a mistake in using poor judgment and making bad decisions," he said.
Poor judgment? Keyshawn Johnson used poor judgment by writing a book in which he espoused on his greatness on the field. That's poor judgment, especially after you start dropping passes.
Bad decisions? Terrell Owens stuffing a Sharpie in his pants and autographing a football during a game is a bad decision.
What Vick did is called breaking the law. Committing a crime. Intentionally killing a living creature. For that, prosecutors recommend 12 to 18 months.
That's half the time Andrew Burnett got for grabbing a little bichon frise named Leo off its owner's lap and throwing the dog into oncoming traffic after a road rage incident seven years ago.
At least Burnett had the "road rage" defense. Vick's involvement in killing dogs had nothing to do with emotions. That decision was made in order to cut losses. Why pay to feed and house dogs that don't perform well?
He said we all make mistakes, but ask him to be honest, and he might tell you the only mistake he made was that he associated with the wrong types of people, and in the end, that's what got him caught. Don't forget, if Vick's cousin hadn't been involved with drugs, the dogfighting operation would never have been discovered while investigating Vick's Virginia property. And if you look back to Vick's initial statements, about associating with the wrong types of people, he was clearly aiming to let those people take the fall for him.
It's kind of like Lindsay Lohan eyeballing the owner of the SUV she allegedly hijacked a few weeks ago while saying to cops, "I wasn't driving, officer. Go on guys, tell him I wasn't driving." "I'm going to have a lot of downtime," Vick said before walking off the podium. You can say that again, Michael.
Things That Make Me Go Grrr!
The other day I read a story in one of the papers of record about two athletes who were raking in endorsement deals to the tune of over $1 million a year.
They are volleyball players who happen to be a couple. And while I applaud them for their athletic prowess and believe that they deserve to rake in whatever the market will bear for their services as spokespeople, I began to wonder what made them so attractive to sponsors.
Was it their success on the beach? Well, yes. But it goes deeper than that. Put simply, they attract an audience. A very desirable audience. In the business they call it the "demo," that much coveted 18-to-34 age group. This group presumably makes all of their long-term buying decisions during this time of their lives, when brand loyalty is akin to friendship.
But why do advertisers constantly choose athletes for these deals? Or pop stars? How many athletes (Michael Vick — duh) end up burning their endorsement sponsors with bad behavior?
How about Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears?
What will happen when everybody who is endorsing a product crashes and burns in some way, shape or form? And, is there anybody out there bulletproof? We know athletes, actors and singers — all attractive to sponsors — are not. How about bloggers? They have broad reach, but half of these people we never really "meet," or even know what they look like, so there's too much mystery surrounding them.
Maybe we should begin seeing commercials from Cirque du Soleil performers. First, the troupe is visually stunning. Second, it is family-friendly. Third, there is no one person who stands out in any performance, hence zero ego. And fourth, they make up their own language, so even if they did do anything stupid, we wouldn't know it.
But most of all, with 50 or more performers per commercial, nobody is getting stupid rich, which will probably alleviate most of the stupid things that stupid rich people do, more and more often these days.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Trust... Pathways... Peace
Trust... I keep pulling this card. For the past three days no matter how hard I shuffle, no matter the question, I keep pulling this card. It's so hard for me to let go. I keep a tight reign on anything I can, because in most of my life I have so little control. I've asked about this interview, I've asked about my heart, I've asked about my big decisions coming up. And each time... Trust. One time I also pulled a "yes" card, that whatever decision I have come to, is the right one. And what's funny is the minute I pulled that? I really DID feel a bit better.
Take a look also at an email I received today, posted in the Goddess works Blog . Funny? Trust, Intuition, Self Esteem. I think the message might just be getting through to me ;)
Also noteworthy today is that with some convincing from Mrs. Virgo last night and LOT of emotion shared by Ms. Personality (Mrs. Virgo knows who I mean) last weekend, I've come across a few things/tasks/etc that "feel" good to me. One of them is reading more (hence my above information), Opening up more, and working with people. Which brings me to my newest project... I will be holding a peer to peer training session (I think, details are still forthcoming) revolving around grounding & centering, meditation and visualization. I'll be posting my materials and putting my things together and if it goes as well as it "feels" that it will, it should be a WONDERFUL experience for me. And who knows, if it goes REALLY well? It could be a continuing thing where I get to work with people to open their hearts and minds up to things that give them peace. What could be better! Wish me luck ;)
Be well today friends, Bask in the sun of your heart, and know that all is well.
Muse
Take a look also at an email I received today, posted in the Goddess works Blog . Funny? Trust, Intuition, Self Esteem. I think the message might just be getting through to me ;)
Also noteworthy today is that with some convincing from Mrs. Virgo last night and LOT of emotion shared by Ms. Personality (Mrs. Virgo knows who I mean) last weekend, I've come across a few things/tasks/etc that "feel" good to me. One of them is reading more (hence my above information), Opening up more, and working with people. Which brings me to my newest project... I will be holding a peer to peer training session (I think, details are still forthcoming) revolving around grounding & centering, meditation and visualization. I'll be posting my materials and putting my things together and if it goes as well as it "feels" that it will, it should be a WONDERFUL experience for me. And who knows, if it goes REALLY well? It could be a continuing thing where I get to work with people to open their hearts and minds up to things that give them peace. What could be better! Wish me luck ;)
Be well today friends, Bask in the sun of your heart, and know that all is well.
Muse
Monday, August 20, 2007
Whatever life we get is bonus...
I am so moved today. So sad for the world’s loss, so happy for his peace newfound in his passing, and so moved by his words that I am sadly to late to celebrate with him.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Whatever life we get is bonus (from Anderson Cooper 360)
Editor's note: The following post is written by Miles Levin, a young cancer patient profiled on tonight's "360." Miles' personal blog can be read at www.carepages.com, page name "LevinStory."
Looking through my living room window, I suspect being outside would feel wonderful, but I really wouldn't know. As I write this from my bed, my entire body feels saturated in a sticky, toxic nausea, with chemotherapy pumping through my 18-year-old veins. Like Michael Jackson's moonwalk, chemotherapy has this strange way of moving a person another step towards life and death at the same time.
Twenty three months ago, I was diagnosed with stage IV rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare pediatric muscle cancer affecting only 350 children a year. With odds like that, and with a 20 percent chance of survival, I can only deduce two possibilities about the universe: God's plan is evident in every little shifting of the breeze, or it's totally random. I don't see how there could be much middle ground.
I remember my first chemo round, staring at the ceiling and trying not to cry. The agony was stunning. I've long since learned to go ahead and cry. How could this have happened? Yet as with anything that happens, it happens, and then suddenly you find it has happened, and more things keep continuing to happen. Chemotherapy has instilled in me a visceral understanding that all bad things will pass in time ... but that all good things will too.
I set out on a 19-month course of treatment, chronicling the journey on an online blog. Little did I know that my little Web site intended to keep extended family and friends informed would find readers all across the country and even the world, including such countries as Japan, Australia, Germany, Brazil.
My journey became our journey, with treatment finishing last December. For a brief, hopeful month in January, it appeared to have been successful. My scans were clear. But, as is so common with cancer, there were still sub-detectable rogue cells lurking in distant corners of my body. Within weeks, they swarmed forth again and my body was infested once more.
A recurrence of my kind of cancer has been hitherto incurable, although I still cling to a slim ray of hope. But in all likelihood, I am in the last few months of my short life.
Unlike many cancer patients, I don't have much anger. The way I see it, we're not entitled to one breath of air. We did nothing to earn it, so whatever we get is bonus. I might be more than a little disappointed with the hand I've been dealt, but this is what it is. Thinking about what it could be is pointless. It ought to be different, that's for sure, but it ain't. A moment spent moping is a moment wasted.
I accept what is to come, but I cannot rid myself of a deep mourning for all those experiences -- college, marriage, children, grandchildren -- that will probably never be mine to celebrate. What solace I do find is in the knowledge that I have done everything I can to transmute this terribleness into something positive by showing as many people as I can how to endure it with a smile.
I don't believe you can ask for any more, but if I could ask for something, it would be to be able to go outside into the glorious spring air, feeling healthy and blissfully clueless as to how lucky I was for it, if only just for an hour.
-- By Miles Levin, Guest Blogger
~*~*~*~*~*~
Prayer - Secret Garden
Let your arms enfold us
Through the dark of night
Will your angels hold us
Till we see the light
Hush, lay down your troubled mind
The day has vanished and left us behind
And the wind, whispering soft lullabies
Will soothe, so close your weary eyes
Let your arms enfold us
Through the dark of night
Will your angels hold us
Till we see the light
Sleep, angels will watch over you
And soon beautiful dreams will come true
Can you feel spirits embracing your soul
So dream while secrets of darkness unfold
~Rest in Peace Miles. You are missed by many, including me.~
~*~*~*~*~*~
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Whatever life we get is bonus (from Anderson Cooper 360)
Editor's note: The following post is written by Miles Levin, a young cancer patient profiled on tonight's "360." Miles' personal blog can be read at www.carepages.com, page name "LevinStory."
Looking through my living room window, I suspect being outside would feel wonderful, but I really wouldn't know. As I write this from my bed, my entire body feels saturated in a sticky, toxic nausea, with chemotherapy pumping through my 18-year-old veins. Like Michael Jackson's moonwalk, chemotherapy has this strange way of moving a person another step towards life and death at the same time.
Twenty three months ago, I was diagnosed with stage IV rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare pediatric muscle cancer affecting only 350 children a year. With odds like that, and with a 20 percent chance of survival, I can only deduce two possibilities about the universe: God's plan is evident in every little shifting of the breeze, or it's totally random. I don't see how there could be much middle ground.
I remember my first chemo round, staring at the ceiling and trying not to cry. The agony was stunning. I've long since learned to go ahead and cry. How could this have happened? Yet as with anything that happens, it happens, and then suddenly you find it has happened, and more things keep continuing to happen. Chemotherapy has instilled in me a visceral understanding that all bad things will pass in time ... but that all good things will too.
I set out on a 19-month course of treatment, chronicling the journey on an online blog. Little did I know that my little Web site intended to keep extended family and friends informed would find readers all across the country and even the world, including such countries as Japan, Australia, Germany, Brazil.
My journey became our journey, with treatment finishing last December. For a brief, hopeful month in January, it appeared to have been successful. My scans were clear. But, as is so common with cancer, there were still sub-detectable rogue cells lurking in distant corners of my body. Within weeks, they swarmed forth again and my body was infested once more.
A recurrence of my kind of cancer has been hitherto incurable, although I still cling to a slim ray of hope. But in all likelihood, I am in the last few months of my short life.
Unlike many cancer patients, I don't have much anger. The way I see it, we're not entitled to one breath of air. We did nothing to earn it, so whatever we get is bonus. I might be more than a little disappointed with the hand I've been dealt, but this is what it is. Thinking about what it could be is pointless. It ought to be different, that's for sure, but it ain't. A moment spent moping is a moment wasted.
I accept what is to come, but I cannot rid myself of a deep mourning for all those experiences -- college, marriage, children, grandchildren -- that will probably never be mine to celebrate. What solace I do find is in the knowledge that I have done everything I can to transmute this terribleness into something positive by showing as many people as I can how to endure it with a smile.
I don't believe you can ask for any more, but if I could ask for something, it would be to be able to go outside into the glorious spring air, feeling healthy and blissfully clueless as to how lucky I was for it, if only just for an hour.
-- By Miles Levin, Guest Blogger
~*~*~*~*~*~
Prayer - Secret Garden
Let your arms enfold us
Through the dark of night
Will your angels hold us
Till we see the light
Hush, lay down your troubled mind
The day has vanished and left us behind
And the wind, whispering soft lullabies
Will soothe, so close your weary eyes
Let your arms enfold us
Through the dark of night
Will your angels hold us
Till we see the light
Sleep, angels will watch over you
And soon beautiful dreams will come true
Can you feel spirits embracing your soul
So dream while secrets of darkness unfold
~Rest in Peace Miles. You are missed by many, including me.~
Thursday, August 16, 2007
WoW; A Woman of Worth
In my bloglines I have several blogs that I lurk on. Mainly anymore these days, I lurk. In any event, I absolutely had to post this credo I found from The Path of Modern Goddess. I can think of no more powerful affirmation for my day today than this. Thank you Nicole. Thank you very much.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I am a Woman of Worth
August 10th, 2007
I stumble upon the site of the Woman of Worth Event and found their credo. I loved it and had to tell you gals about it.
THE WOW CREDO
Written by Christine Awram, Founder
I am a Woman of Worth!
My worthiness is inherent, infinite and persevering – it is my natural state.My value is a reflection of who I am - and I am magnificent.
And … who I am – always makes a difference.
I matter!
I am successful – because I come from my true power, which lies within.
I lead through inspiration – from quiet acts of kindness, to leading a nation.
I am empowered – I make choices from the clarity of my heart, mind and spirit.
I am abundant – as the core of my true essence always supports manifestation.
I cherish my relationships – they are part of what makes me strong.
I am a Human BEing – as my BEing is of far more significance than my DOing.
I play and I laugh and I bring beauty and light into the world – I am radiant.
At times I despair and I weep, when I feel the pain of a world that has momentarily gone mad.
Yet even when I tremble through a dark night of the soul, I renew my faith and my courage in a single heartbeat because my spirit is indomitable.
I feel and I care and I am passionate – with a heart as open as the universe.
I am a woman of worth, and I am glorious!
WOW
Because every woman… is a Woman Of Worth.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
May you know your worth today… May it seep from your very heart, into all you do. You are beautiful!
You are a blessing to me everyday.
XO
~*~*~*~*~*~
I am a Woman of Worth
August 10th, 2007
I stumble upon the site of the Woman of Worth Event and found their credo. I loved it and had to tell you gals about it.
THE WOW CREDO
Written by Christine Awram, Founder
I am a Woman of Worth!
My worthiness is inherent, infinite and persevering – it is my natural state.My value is a reflection of who I am - and I am magnificent.
And … who I am – always makes a difference.
I matter!
I am successful – because I come from my true power, which lies within.
I lead through inspiration – from quiet acts of kindness, to leading a nation.
I am empowered – I make choices from the clarity of my heart, mind and spirit.
I am abundant – as the core of my true essence always supports manifestation.
I cherish my relationships – they are part of what makes me strong.
I am a Human BEing – as my BEing is of far more significance than my DOing.
I play and I laugh and I bring beauty and light into the world – I am radiant.
At times I despair and I weep, when I feel the pain of a world that has momentarily gone mad.
Yet even when I tremble through a dark night of the soul, I renew my faith and my courage in a single heartbeat because my spirit is indomitable.
I feel and I care and I am passionate – with a heart as open as the universe.
I am a woman of worth, and I am glorious!
WOW
Because every woman… is a Woman Of Worth.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
May you know your worth today… May it seep from your very heart, into all you do. You are beautiful!
You are a blessing to me everyday.
XO
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
When staying alive means...
I have a war that I wage on myself daily over money, life, living in the moment, trying to be stress free… I find that I get angered easily as I battle these emotions and even more so when I read something like this today.
What more do people need to hear to realize this is a HUGE problem that is only going to get worse? Please read, share your thoughts… But be aware; especially when it comes time to choose someone who’s supposedly going to fix it.
Our health is priority, without us there is no voting body, without our voice, finances etc, there is no support. This should be among the top 10 issues discussed by those who say they will make a difference for us, with us. And if it’s not, then choose differently. This is not a lesser of two evils argument (i.e. Well they feel like I do about x, y, z, so I guess I can let this issue slide). It must be addressed, and resolved or at least on a path towards resolution. Many of us are dying (physically, financially, and emotionally) because it’s not at the forefront of people’s minds.
Help each other live.
When staying alive means…
What more do people need to hear to realize this is a HUGE problem that is only going to get worse? Please read, share your thoughts… But be aware; especially when it comes time to choose someone who’s supposedly going to fix it.
Our health is priority, without us there is no voting body, without our voice, finances etc, there is no support. This should be among the top 10 issues discussed by those who say they will make a difference for us, with us. And if it’s not, then choose differently. This is not a lesser of two evils argument (i.e. Well they feel like I do about x, y, z, so I guess I can let this issue slide). It must be addressed, and resolved or at least on a path towards resolution. Many of us are dying (physically, financially, and emotionally) because it’s not at the forefront of people’s minds.
Help each other live.
When staying alive means…
Friday, August 10, 2007
Social butterfly! (and no cancer, again!) I'm on a roll!
Tonight I’ll be doing something I’ve not done before… I’ll be going to comedy improv! This week has been a good busy week full of friends, game, events, and visits.
Tuesday I went and saw the concert with the top 10 American Idols. It was very nice! I didn’t particularly care for Sanjaya, but that’s because I do not think he can sing that well. He would be good in a small lounge, or something of that nature. However everyone else did AWESOME. And as an extra bonus I got to see Gina Glockson get engaged! It was so romantic. I have to admit I feel a certain kinship being that she is from my city too, but still it was such a wonderful thing to witness right there in front of me! What joy to share in such a blessed event!
Then Thursday I hosted an event in game that went very well. It took a lot of planning to create and host a faire in an environment with rules and limits, but it went very well and I think everyone had a blast.
Then tonight I’m going to see Joe Rogan. I’ve only seen him as the host of Fear Factor, but apparently he’s a very good humor man. We shall see ;) I’m pretty hard to impress in the comedy department, but even if the comedy isn’t stellar, hanging out with friends and having fun will be WONDERFUL.
Then tomorrow, I’m hanging out with a group of wonderful, inspirational women for a day of laughter, lunch, dinner, new age shopping, etc. It’s good soul food in abundance! I am so excited for this day.
I’ve been doing my meditations as well now. Admittedly I haven’t done as many as I should, but I have been better and it’s wonderful. The story I posted previously in my blog is an example of the visions I sometimes receive while meditating. I don’t know whether it’s just because I am very good at visualizations or if it’s a message I’m meant to listen to. I’ve been approaching it as the latter, and have been trying to work hard on my internal library of things… It feels good to be relaxed even when busy, stable even when emotions are all over the place, and happy even during the storm of life as it currently may be at times.
Oh and the best news of the day/week, my second Post Op screening for cancer came back NEGATIVE! Yay! I’m starting to feel a little less scared of the tests now. It’s nice to not have that worry about appointments as much as I used to have.
I could write so much more, but I think perhaps I’ll let things set for a while here ;) Have a wonderful day folks!
Muse
Be The Change (Courtesy of Daily Good):Add a touch of beauty to a neglected corner of your world.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
I wish for happiness for you today. Fridays always have that little spark of joy as the weekend (for some of us) approaches. May you find your spark of joy no matter if today is the start of your weekend or the beginning of your week; may joy find you and light upon your heart for a while.
You are a blessing to me everyday
XO
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
A story of inspiration for you today, courtesy of Daily Good
Tuesday I went and saw the concert with the top 10 American Idols. It was very nice! I didn’t particularly care for Sanjaya, but that’s because I do not think he can sing that well. He would be good in a small lounge, or something of that nature. However everyone else did AWESOME. And as an extra bonus I got to see Gina Glockson get engaged! It was so romantic. I have to admit I feel a certain kinship being that she is from my city too, but still it was such a wonderful thing to witness right there in front of me! What joy to share in such a blessed event!
Then Thursday I hosted an event in game that went very well. It took a lot of planning to create and host a faire in an environment with rules and limits, but it went very well and I think everyone had a blast.
Then tonight I’m going to see Joe Rogan. I’ve only seen him as the host of Fear Factor, but apparently he’s a very good humor man. We shall see ;) I’m pretty hard to impress in the comedy department, but even if the comedy isn’t stellar, hanging out with friends and having fun will be WONDERFUL.
Then tomorrow, I’m hanging out with a group of wonderful, inspirational women for a day of laughter, lunch, dinner, new age shopping, etc. It’s good soul food in abundance! I am so excited for this day.
I’ve been doing my meditations as well now. Admittedly I haven’t done as many as I should, but I have been better and it’s wonderful. The story I posted previously in my blog is an example of the visions I sometimes receive while meditating. I don’t know whether it’s just because I am very good at visualizations or if it’s a message I’m meant to listen to. I’ve been approaching it as the latter, and have been trying to work hard on my internal library of things… It feels good to be relaxed even when busy, stable even when emotions are all over the place, and happy even during the storm of life as it currently may be at times.
Oh and the best news of the day/week, my second Post Op screening for cancer came back NEGATIVE! Yay! I’m starting to feel a little less scared of the tests now. It’s nice to not have that worry about appointments as much as I used to have.
I could write so much more, but I think perhaps I’ll let things set for a while here ;) Have a wonderful day folks!
Muse
Be The Change (Courtesy of Daily Good):Add a touch of beauty to a neglected corner of your world.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
I wish for happiness for you today. Fridays always have that little spark of joy as the weekend (for some of us) approaches. May you find your spark of joy no matter if today is the start of your weekend or the beginning of your week; may joy find you and light upon your heart for a while.
You are a blessing to me everyday
XO
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AND REMEMBER
A story of inspiration for you today, courtesy of Daily Good
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Oprah, Guys, Stereotypes and a TOTAL RANT *Long post*
For all you folks out there who enjoy, live by or listen to Oprah, I’ll advise you, you may want to go to the next blog. This is my entry about my love/no love relationship with her and the folks that she sponsors, promotes etc. You may not like it.
That said, here I go.
I have tried several times to watch Oprah’s show; to listen to her, to read her magazine, her website, and her help articles. I bounce back and forth between a tennis match the two sides of which are: Wow, really good! and Yuppy, Feel Good Suburbanite, Can’t communicate on their own and puts everything to blame elsewhere.
Ok so that didn’t make much sense… But hear me out. I like Oprah. I like a few of her shows, hell I even have one from February still locked away on my Tivo! Sometimes, as I watch her show or read her articles, I get it… I GET IT! And then other times I read things and go, wow that’s totally stereotyping, how many people (women) read this and really believe this? I’m not putting Oprah down, or her beliefs, or her show, or the people that read/watch/listen to her. So before you blast me with hate mail, read this sentence a few times *Points above*. What I AM saying is that she is good, just like everyone else, and sometimes she is not so good, just like… everyone else. The bottom line is read/listen/watch whatever you want, but interpret it your own way.
A PERFECT example of this love/no love duality I have with her is the information I’m posting below. I came across a great article about the 10 rules to live and love by. (Posted below) It’s a great article. So great that I copied it intending to immediately blog it away for you all to read. And then I was so excited over that article that when I found another one about how to “Talk to a man” I thought, alright let’s see what this person that Oprah is backing has to say. What I read left me appalled. Maybe I’m just too idealistic, simplistic, or just slow? But I do not feel that a “rope-a-dope” type of conversation is good for any end result. First off, you’re assuming the guy is a dope (or even the woman… neither are!) and second of all you’re encouraging people to not be truthful in order to make someone else see things your way. Isn’t that manipulation?
I might be going off the deep end here, but the second article left me squarely planted in the seat of “unlove” towards Oprah. I think were I to rewrite these rules they would be simply:
1. Let me help you get that done. I know the frustration with asking someone to do something and not having it done. I was married for 10 years; I came across this a lot in my relationship. So ok, work together and offer to help them with it. I have no problem by the way with the approach she listed, but I do have a problem with: “Men love to show women their tools.” Is this really true? Am I just a bit slow on the uptake here?
2. I agree in some measure with this point, enough that I wont dissect it :P
3. I understand you feel this way, but this is how I feel. How’s that for a win-win? Allowing both parties to respect each other’s perspective. While I have followed the 100% rule on some occasions it’s only when I am wrong and I have no problem admitting it. The biggest problem I have with this statement she listed is this: “Meet every protest and argument he makes, no matter how ridiculously false, with the observation that he is absolutely correct…but you still want what you want. In boxing this is called rope-a-dope, and even if you don't know what the rope part means, the dope part sounds pretty applicable. This is called win-win—except you did and he didn't.” Perhaps it’s just a play on words, saying the same thing I would say but not so forthright, either way to me initially reading it, this struck me as manipulation pure and simple.
4. Honey you look great in that sweater! Nothing wrong with that? I agree “cute” would be faux pas but I think that the explanation given below is 100% stereotypical, judgmental and generalized. Particularly this: “Men like receiving compliments because they think it means that you are going to have sex with them.” Again, I’ll defer to my being slow on the uptake, but is this really true? The men I know, have known with few exceptions aren’t thinking that if I open my mouth to offer a compliment, I’m going to jump in bed with them (or maybe they were and didn’t tell me, however in MOST cases, I did NOT go to bed with any of them)
Why does this have me so upset? Because Oprah has a HUGE following. Because someone young woman, (or older woman who is reaching out for advice) will read this and might not be able to pick just the advice that she needs from it. She may also walk away with the opinion that men are only good for using power tools, or for manipulating, and the notion that she should absolutely avoid complimenting a man because then he’ll want to have sex with you.
Guys? Help me out here? Are you all like this? AM I just Alice wandering in the rabbit hole, picking flowers in my own delusion; the one that gives guys more brains than they really have?
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And if you’re interested, here are BOTH articles for your reading, complete with links. You make up your own mind…
Rules to Live and Love By
Kathy Freston, author of The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love shares her rules for finding true love.
There is potential for soul mate love all around us at every moment. It is a matter of recognizing the connection, sensing the "charge" of energy, and then cultivating a relationship that will take us beyond our present limitations. A soul mate brings us enormous joy and fulfillment, but even more importantly, soul mates lead us into our life's lessons. They get under our skin and push our buttons. They inspire us to look at who we are and where we need to grow. Whether single, married, or somewhere in between, we can begin practicing masterful waysof relating with whomever stands before us, and in this way, we become better and more enlightened human beings. We can become the love we want to find; we can source it from within.
1. Seeing your partner through the lens of love rather than fear automatically elevates the relationship to a higher plane. When you can get quiet and note when you are projecting fear, you can make the adjustment to see through a different filter. So often we feel indignant or incensed, but upon closer inspection we will find that we are really afraid. Once we assume our partner's core goodness rather than focusing on their "guilt," they will be more free to show us their best, which accelerates the process of shifting our perspective from one of blame and anxiety to one of acceptance and peace.
2. Being willing to forgive yourself and your partner, and to make amends when necessary is an ongoing process of cleanup. We all make mistakes; it's human. But when we hold fast to a grudge it eats away at our sense of peace and serenity. If you aren't willing to forgive, you might ask yourself what habit of ego you're attached to. Do you want to continue life with unresolved issues hanging over you?
When we take a stand and refuse to let go of something, we can always find evidence to justify it. Or we can try to make peace. Instead of blaming or making excuses, we can clean things up and move forward. This is not an excuse for staying in a dysfunctional situation, but an opportunity to see innocence. Once we do that, we gain—or give—freedom to move out of a "stuck" place.
3. Relaxing when times get tough; assuming that "this too shall pass" allows you to roll with the punches. If you know things will inevitably arise to challenge you, you can be more detached when they do. Problems become worse when we dig in our heels and try to force a solution. By relaxing into whatever struggle arises, we remain flexible and open to inspiration and insight.Even if you have a hard time letting go, you can at least observe yourself taking things very seriously, which in itself helps to detach you from the experience of anxiety. Whatever is happening now won't be happening a year from now, so just keep breathing through the situation and see if you can take things a little less seriously.
4. Seeing in the dynamic of the relationship the reflection of what you need to learn helps bring you back to what is important. Sometimes we get lost in the chatter of day-to-day patterns and lose sight of the soul's mandate to bring us closer to realizing our Oneness. The best way to see where we need to work on things is to observe who we are and what we do within the context of a relationship. Any time you recognize your impulse to create distance rather than intimacy, you can make the adjustment and get back on track.This relationship, as with all relationships, is part of a curriculum to evolve into our highest potential. We come to know ourselves by how we interact with our partner, and by so doing we come to know Spirit.
5. When you don't know how to handle a problem, pray and meditate, surrendering the decisions to SpiritPraying and meditating aligns your limited energy with that which is all-powerful. Of course we don’t have all the answers, but by consigning our limitations to our Higher Power, our burden is lifted. We need to be accountable for our words and actions and be willing to work through where we are stuck. We need to stay present and forgive. Beyond that, our creative power is fueled by Spirit. By praying, we ask for help and guidance; by meditating we clear our minds so that the answer will become apparent. By moving aside, we create an opening for God to work miracles in ways we could never imagine.
6. Honoring your partner's path and allow them the space to find their own way sends a clear message of respect. People need to work things out in their own manner and in their own time. If you try to help where help is not requested, you are signaling your lack of belief in your partner. If you back off and assume someone is strong and intelligent, strength and intelligence are what they will likely find.Although we are all on this path of realization and expansion together, each of us is unique in our lessons to be learned; the way you do something might be totally different than how someone else needs to process a situation. Rest assured that Spirit is at work in all of our lives, and give yourself a rest from overseeing your partner's personal business.
7. Keeping up your personal growth work means you will keep your mind sharp and your awareness keen. Read, study, and attend lectures; don't rest on the laurels of what you think you already know. The moment we think we have it all figured out is the moment things will come crashing down around us. Arrogance leaves no room for intimacy or growth, and is certainly not part of a spiritual curriculum. When you immerse yourself in learning, you will always have new skills and interests to apply to a relationship, and thus the relationship will always feel fresh and relevant.
8. Following the path of your own creativity keeps you attuned to that which moves and inspires you. As you indulge your creative side, you become less dependent on your partner to feel whole. Creative energy is the force that breaks new ground. To sustain love, we need to continually fuel whatever inspires us on the deepest level. Also, creativity balances out the egoic and intellectual side of life; it teaches us to play and have fun. When we engage our passions, we radiate passionate energy and thus maintain the interest of our partner as well as having your own sense of fulfillment.
9. Staying present keeps us in the moment which is where life is. Life does not exist in future predictions or past grievances; all we have for sure is right here and right now. Every moment teaches us something, and if we are busily trying to change or control something we miss the grace intended for us.By allowing the sacred mystery to unfold without trying to tamper with it, we can move through anything with much more ease and simplicity. As we cease resisting, any so-called negative situation or emotion will have the space to work out. And by the same token, when we are completely alert and aware in any given moment, we are open to the subtle miracles happening all around us. By staying present, we will see our partner for who they are; we will hear clearly their communication and respond to it astutely.
10. Being grateful for what you have zeros in on what is working, which in turn magnetizes more of the same. Where you put your focus is where you direct your creative intention; so if you want abundance, be grateful for the vitality you have now. If you want a soulful relationship, be grateful for the soulful moments. Gratitude is like a seed you plant; it grows more as it is watered and nourished. Show your partner what you appreciate in them and let them know that they have a positive effect in your life. The acknowledgement of good will call forth more of the same.
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Man Talk
From the June 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine.
1 of 4
"Let me get your power drill."Suppose you want a man to do something for you, and you've asked him, oh, a thousand times. He's promised he would, which is what's so frustrating—if he flatly refused, at least you'd understand why he isn't taking action. He doesn't want you to remind him about what he needs to do, even though he keeps forgetting. Don't ask him to do a specific task ("Fix the drip in the shower") but to be in charge of solving the problem ("The leak in the shower is driving me crazy"). Offer to help him ("Tell me what tools you need, and I'll go get them for you"). Men love to show women their tools.
2 of 4
"Wanna dance?"The best way to seduce a man the first time is to let him know you're interested—but not easy—with the word maybe. Maybe you should get together, maybe you'll have a drink with him, maybe you'd like to see his place. There's enough yes in maybe to keep a man from feeling rejected and enough no to keep him challenged. If it's a long-term relationship, the approach is different, but you'll do well if you still think of it as a dance. Get him to snuggle, kiss, and play but once you are there, let him take the lead. Whether it's a date or your 30th anniversary, a man likes to think it's his idea.
3 of 4
"You're 100 percent correct."It doesn't matter what you're arguing about—he just wants to be right. This is his weakness; you can use it like judo, turning his own momentum against him. Saying two little words, "You're right," is the verbal equivalent of darting a raging elephant with animal tranquilizers. It gives him what he wants, reducing tensions and leaving the way open for you to get what you want. Try it: "You're right, but I still want to go to the party." Meet every protest and argument he makes, no matter how ridiculously false, with the observation that he is absolutely correct…but you still want what you want. In boxing this is called rope-a-dope, and even if you don't know what the rope part means, the dope part sounds pretty applicable. This is called win-win—except you did and he didn't.
4 of 4
"What a manly sweater!"Men like receiving compliments because they think it means that you are going to have sex with them. This can make complimenting a man awkward, no matter how straightforward you are about your intentions. He'll reach this same conclusion if you (a) say "good morning" to him, (b) smile at him, or (c) ignore him, so you might as well go ahead and compliment him if you want. And maybe you are sleeping with him or would consider it, so what are the best ways to get your message of appreciation across? Simply put, we want to hear words that sound masculine. Telling us you think our sweater is "handsome" is a way of saying we're manly, while a "cute" sweater sounds like something worn by a female schnauzer. Giving a compliment is like giving a gift: Don't make it about what you would want, make it about what he wants. W. Bruce Cameron is the author of How to Remodel a Man (St. Martin's) and 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter (Workman), which became the basis for the ABC sitcom of the same name. Read more about men in the June 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine. Subscribe now!
Monday, August 06, 2007
Silence of the heart
I was busily checking my email this morning and came to a halt when I saw today's DailyOm. It's a good read, worth the 2 minutes it takes to read it for sure! It's the only post today because it deserves that priority.
Be well friends,
Muse
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The Soundless Center
Silence Of The Heart
We spend a lot of time attempting to put the feelings in our hearts into words, to communicate to others our passions, our emotions, and our love. Often we are so busy trying to translate our heart’s roar into language that we miss the most profound experience the heart has to offer, which is silence. Every poem arises from this silence and returns to it. When all the songs have been sung, the soliloquies delivered, the emotions expressed, silence is what remains. As each wave of feeling rises and falls back into the silence, we have an opportunity to connect with the vast, open, powerfully healing wisdom at the soundless center of our hearts.
Our hearts may seem noisy and tumultuous so much of the time that we do not even associate them with silence. It takes a sensitive ear to tune in to the silence of the heart, but it is there in each one of us, so close and so large that we do not even notice it. We can begin to become aware of it in the same way we become aware of the negative space in a still life, the background of a photograph, or the open sky that contains the sun, clouds, moon, and stars. We are accustomed to tuning in to objects and sounds that are one-pointed, solid, and three-dimensional. Seeing and hearing the apparently empty space that contains these sounds and objects takes a little practice.
We can bring our awareness into our hearts by simply breathing into the general area of our heart. The first thing we may notice is feelings like joy or sadness and physical sensations like tightness or tenderness. We acknowledge these as we continue to breathe and focus, listening attentively. We surround these feelings and sensations with breath and recognize that they are contained and held in an immeasurable substance like water or air, intangible, ineffable, but utterly real. This is the silence of the heart, and the more we listen for it, return to it, and accept it, the more we bathe and purify ourselves in the soundless center of our being.
Be well friends,
Muse
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The Soundless Center
Silence Of The Heart
We spend a lot of time attempting to put the feelings in our hearts into words, to communicate to others our passions, our emotions, and our love. Often we are so busy trying to translate our heart’s roar into language that we miss the most profound experience the heart has to offer, which is silence. Every poem arises from this silence and returns to it. When all the songs have been sung, the soliloquies delivered, the emotions expressed, silence is what remains. As each wave of feeling rises and falls back into the silence, we have an opportunity to connect with the vast, open, powerfully healing wisdom at the soundless center of our hearts.
Our hearts may seem noisy and tumultuous so much of the time that we do not even associate them with silence. It takes a sensitive ear to tune in to the silence of the heart, but it is there in each one of us, so close and so large that we do not even notice it. We can begin to become aware of it in the same way we become aware of the negative space in a still life, the background of a photograph, or the open sky that contains the sun, clouds, moon, and stars. We are accustomed to tuning in to objects and sounds that are one-pointed, solid, and three-dimensional. Seeing and hearing the apparently empty space that contains these sounds and objects takes a little practice.
We can bring our awareness into our hearts by simply breathing into the general area of our heart. The first thing we may notice is feelings like joy or sadness and physical sensations like tightness or tenderness. We acknowledge these as we continue to breathe and focus, listening attentively. We surround these feelings and sensations with breath and recognize that they are contained and held in an immeasurable substance like water or air, intangible, ineffable, but utterly real. This is the silence of the heart, and the more we listen for it, return to it, and accept it, the more we bathe and purify ourselves in the soundless center of our being.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Guardian Angels, Sanctuary (LONG story)
For those of you who remember my previous rough draft story, (Breath of an Angel) you will recognize this. For you new readers, keep in mind a few things:
1. This is a rough draft; unedited; raw emotion.
2. It is a vision I had while meditating during a particularly rough emotional day
3. It is a vision i share freely with you, though it is entirely personal.
It was particularly powerful for me, and quite unexpected. I believe in signs of all kinds, and I believe in miracles. And sometimes, a miracle doesn't have to be huge, or world changing to be called a miracle. Sometimes, it is a miracle to just one...
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The fields of green were behind her. In front of her she stood at the edge of a cliff so high she appeared to stand even with the setting sun. The water glowed with the imbued colors the sun bestowed upon it, and in places it glittered like amber and diamonds. She rose slowly from her sitting position wiping the tears from her brown eyes. Tucking a stray piece of brown hair behind her ears she watched the sun make its slow descent wondering how it was that she came here.
This place was new to her. No stranger to calming environments, she was rather a master of creating them. However this was not her place, she did not know whose place it was.
The grass grew tall enough that with the care of a lovers caress each blade seemed to stroke her bare ankles. The white dress she wore came to about an inch below her knees and swayed lightly as she moved, sensitizing her skin to every whisper about her. Her eyes focused once more on her surroundings and as she leaned gently forward, she saw below the white velvet sands. Occasional strands of grass grew out from the cliff displaying proudly the marriage of earth and sandy beach. Seagulls overhead called softly, not loudly as they often do, as if not wishing to disturb her as she gained her bearings.
The sun in front of her changed from bright yellow to amber orange as it slowly set deep into the vast ocean in front of her. She could almost hear the noise it made sliding into the depths of approaching night and she stood transfixed at this vision of peace.
Somewhere in a distant world, she was aware that her real self sat, eyes closed, reclining, having asked for this moment, hoping that she would find peace as the walls of chaos enclosed her. Smiling, she realized that while this wasn’t her sanctuary or the others, it was something new… a new addition to her blissful home.
Behind her the grass rustled as something walked quickly towards her. Engrossed as she was in the sun, she wasn’t aware of the presence until the warmth of its body brushed against her calves. She looked down and saw the warm eyes of her dog “Mushu”. She cried aloud tears springing to her eyes as she knelt down to hug her companion. Mushu greeted her with all the love that she was always known to have, licking at her nose and yelping a bit in excitement. Mushu looked healthy and vibrant. Her coat glistened with a healthy shine, and the caramel, toffee, and onyx colors of her coat were bright. The white spot that had been on her back, always looking like a heart was prominent as if it had been brushed and made to stay that way. She wrapped her arms around the dog feeling its heartbeat against her chest.
So involved was she, that she didn’t notice again, the next warm touch against her body. Turning startled, she looked and saw her other dog “Dotty”. Dotty, who had passed many years ago from cancer looked so healthy now. Her fur was brushed fine and sparkling in its color of perfect white. She looked at her with her gray eyes and sat prettily looking for attention but not rushing, savoring the reunion. Picking up the hem of her dress gently to fully kneel in the grass, she wrapped Dotty in a hug so tight she feared it was too much. Mushu joined Dotty and together all three sat in the cliff hugging, and playing while tears crept down the woman’s face. She felt a joy she hadn’t felt in a long time at the sight of her old companions, and for the first time her spirit was lifted.
She stood quietly at long last, giving each dog one last pat on the head, and turned to face the sun again, now a brilliant shade of orange. Each dog flanked her sides and sat in quiet showing their respect for the miracle she was witnessing.
Again she heard the grass rustling and this time didn’t turn in anticipation, but smiled wondering what other joys this sanctuary would bring her. She felt rather than saw the hand reaching for her shoulder. She turned slowly her breath caught in her throat as she saw the woman of light she had known as Jessie. Her image shimmered as light does, but slowly became clear and solid. Smiling at her was the true image of the woman who had moved her so in her life. No words were spoken, but the eyes connecting spoke volumes enough. Suddenly, facing Jessie she saw images, a slight wavering of the air, a shimmering even with no hint of what lay beyond. She squinted as Jessie squeezed her shoulder lightly reassuring her, and before her one by one materialized three women that she had not seen in years. With a cry, stifled by the sudden lump in her throat, she reached forward to touch the first woman’s face.
“Kathleen…” it came out as a whisper and the mirage shimmered becoming solid smiling and nodding.
To Kathleen’s left a woman with fiery red hair, tall as an Amazon with beautiful sparkling blue eyes appeared. At this sight, the tears flowed freely and she let them fall without hesitation. She didn’t even need to speak but heard her say what she couldn’t speak aloud.
“Grandma…” She smiled at the vision even though her eyes nearly clouded over with tears. The air rippled around the figure as it became solid and she could see her grandmother reaching forward to gently touch her heart with a now solid hand. The touch electrified her and gave her immeasurable calm at the same time.
To her left, the air rippled and danced again with sparkling shimmers of light and the last vision appeared quickly as if it couldn’t wait to be seen. The woman covered her mouth and held her breath not believing what she was seeing.
“Pamela…” the word came out husky, throaty, as if it had gotten lodged in her throat… “My sister…” she continued silently.
She watched each of these woman, each who had a special effect on her life at various points in her life. She knew then, at least one purpose for this visit. She had asked for peace, had fallen into the reclining chair in her waking world crying for solace as the ghosts of her past came, haunting her with madness.
She turned back to Jessie while Mushu and Dotty danced happily at her feet carefree as dogs are… She spoke in her mind, as she reached for Jessie’s hands.
”I failed you” she cried silently her tears like silver slipping from her glowing eyes to trace a path down her cheeks.
Jessie squeezed her hands tightly and smiled intoning in what must only be the voice of an angel…
“No my dear, you did not. You gave me what it is you seek now. You gave me joy, peace and rest.” She smiled at her letting her words sink in before continuing. “And I am here always with you, wherever you need me. I am in your heart holding the torch to steer away the darkness, to hold your hand when you’re afraid and I am always here.” She smiled and squeezed her hands gently as tears continued tracing healing paths to the woman’s heart. Jessie released the woman’s hands and touched her shoulders, her hands glowing white with light. The touch was warm and radiated out from the shoulders down into her arms. She spoke one last time to her…
“Your arms are imbued with the gift of love. They have the ability to heal just by their being wrapped around another. It is this hug that sets you and others free…”
Jessie stepped back and nodded to her right, indicating she was to talk to her next vision. Reluctantly she turned her head from Jessie, her head swimming with so many questions.
Kathleen put her hands on the woman’s chin steering her gently like a mother would to a child to look into her eyes. She spoke to the woman first, allaying her questions.
“In time as you visit us, you will know more… but we have gifts to give you now my dearest friend.”
The woman looked at Kathleen, her secret tumbling from her lips falling like rose petals to the ground.
“I failed you, I was so mad that you left me… that we had become such good friends, and you left…I just couldn’t handle it, I cried so hard, I just couldn’t let go…” Her body shook with the tears that poured from her raining down onto the grass at her feet. She continued, “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t there for you.”
Kathleen put her hands around the woman’s waist holding gently around the green sash that cinched the white dress and spoke clearly in a soft voice that was carried on the breeze.
“No, my dear, you did not. You were there at a time when I had no one. I had the benefit of knowing you when I was healthy, sharing with you when I laughed, loving you when I lived. I carried that in my heart everyday, and even still to this moment carry it. You were my friend of the heart, and always will be and you can never have never failed me…”
With that said, Kathleen reached forward and ran her hands down the sides of the woman’s body. She spoke quietly, softly…
“Your chest has the ability to heal, for within it beats your heart. Your heart provides the life sustaining energies you need to carry on. Your body, houses it. Your body is a temple of love, it was built that way.” Her hands glowed white as they trailed down her sides and wound up around her waist again. “Respect your temple, it is within there that your love resides, where you can dip into the bottomless well of light that you have.” She smiled and stepped one step back her fingers trailing away from the woman. She nodded gently, indicating she should talk to the next one to her right.
Learning quickly the routine, and staving off the endless questions, she turned slowly her eyes welling up again with silver tears. She didn’t even reach forward to touch her grandmother fearing that to do so would break the magical spell cast upon her that allowed her to see her soul mate once again.
“Grandma…” the words trailed off and she couldn’t speak again. Of the deep secrets she had for these people, this one hurt the most… She dare not speak it.
Her grandmother stepped forward and wrapped her in a hug that at once lifted her spirits to soar. She felt light as if she could fly, and she felt warmth seeping in to carry away the taint of negativity she had. Her grandmother whispered to her in her ear…
“I know you think you failed me. I know you think that because you got tired of saying goodbye everyday to be prepared for my leaving, that the one day you didn’t and the next I was gone was your fault. You were a child my darling, and knew nothing of the ways of the world at the time. But trust me, I knew then, as I know now, as I have always known from the moment my daughter came home with you… that you loved me and still do.”
The woman shook with the force of the tears that overwhelmed her hearing her grandmother say these words.
Her grandmother kept her wrapped tightly in a hug, but took her left hand and began to lovingly stroke her hair. Her hands glowed white with every pass, leaving trails of white light in the woman’s hair each time. She continued on to stroke her ear and neck as she whispered to her.
“Your head my child has always had the ability to comprehend emotions just as much as your beautiful heart. Your ears have the ability to hear that, which most cannot at first glance. What you think you lack, you have so much of… You just have to reach for it. It’s always been inside of you, it was given to you, and you just have to use it.”
Her grandmother hugged her tighter and whispered in her heart “I love you my sweet angel.” She released her hug and the woman nearly fell over not wanting to let go. She didn’t care now that her eyes were so blinded with tears that she could barely see. She looked at all four of the visions and saw them for what they truly were; angels… her angels.
Her grandmother smiled at her and nodded towards her sister, indicating that this was her next visit.
She stood silently facing the woman that she missed so, and was unable to speak. Pamela put her index finger over her own lips and smiled her beautiful quirky smile that had always graced her in life.
She glided forward and placed both her hands on her sisters heart. They glowed an alternating color of white, softest healing pink, then green. She smiled up at her sister waiting for her to speak as she knew her words must be spoken first… Eventually her voice found her and she spoke through wracking sobs.
“I was so mad at you. I was so mad at you for always taking mother away from me with your illnesses and needs. I was mad at you for leaving that night. I was mad that you chose those people over us. Those people we left behind when we moved, that didn’t care about you… you left us for them. “ She spoke faster and faster until she could barely understand herself, but she had so much to say…
“Then, the night you were in the hospital, I was mad at God. I told him I would never forgive him if he took you. I felt responsible for you since we had been growing closer, you see? And how could I be responsible for you, if you were gone. You were all I had… I cursed God that night. I told him I could never forgive…” and she leaned forward against her sisters hands sobbing with all her guilt her words dissipating on the gentle breeze of dusk.
All three of the other visions moved behind her supporting her and whispering words of comfort to her.
Pamela finally spoke and her voice was the softest sweetest sound the woman had ever heard. As she spoke the light that emanated from her hands pulsed into her sisters heart.
“I know you were mad at me. All those years, because you excelled, you didn’t need. But I did. My time in this world was short, because I needed to be here… for you.” She smiled at the woman so gently, the smile of a mother to a young child, not condescending but full of the most beautiful love.
Her tears slowly began to abate as the woman held her up, and her sister covered her heart. She looked at her eager for her to continue and the vision did not disappoint.
“Your heart my sister, your beautiful heart is the essence of it all. You were given these gifts by angels, and though you were afraid, now is the time. Now more than ever, you need to live in your heart. You have tremendous gifts to bestow on those that want them. Your heart is a beacon sister. It is a light that shines in the darkest of times and people see it… you must let it shine so people have hope; so people know of love. You have the heart of an angel sister, let everyone see it.”
She gently moved her hands away from her heart and smiled at her shimmering softly in the approaching night.
The woman turned back towards the water; it felt like the right thing to do. She stood there watching the stars wink into existence as the moon looked upon the angels and their charge. Both dogs sat at her legs, their bodies pressed up against hers offering unwavering love. The angels stepped behind the woman, placing their hands on her body. One hand on a shoulder, one on her head, one on her waist, and the last, on her back directly over where her heart was… And into the deep night they stood. The four guardian angels and their charge, offering her hope and light in the darkest of times.
It was an image she would not soon forget.
©SKW
This place was new to her. No stranger to calming environments, she was rather a master of creating them. However this was not her place, she did not know whose place it was.
The grass grew tall enough that with the care of a lovers caress each blade seemed to stroke her bare ankles. The white dress she wore came to about an inch below her knees and swayed lightly as she moved, sensitizing her skin to every whisper about her. Her eyes focused once more on her surroundings and as she leaned gently forward, she saw below the white velvet sands. Occasional strands of grass grew out from the cliff displaying proudly the marriage of earth and sandy beach. Seagulls overhead called softly, not loudly as they often do, as if not wishing to disturb her as she gained her bearings.
The sun in front of her changed from bright yellow to amber orange as it slowly set deep into the vast ocean in front of her. She could almost hear the noise it made sliding into the depths of approaching night and she stood transfixed at this vision of peace.
Somewhere in a distant world, she was aware that her real self sat, eyes closed, reclining, having asked for this moment, hoping that she would find peace as the walls of chaos enclosed her. Smiling, she realized that while this wasn’t her sanctuary or the others, it was something new… a new addition to her blissful home.
Behind her the grass rustled as something walked quickly towards her. Engrossed as she was in the sun, she wasn’t aware of the presence until the warmth of its body brushed against her calves. She looked down and saw the warm eyes of her dog “Mushu”. She cried aloud tears springing to her eyes as she knelt down to hug her companion. Mushu greeted her with all the love that she was always known to have, licking at her nose and yelping a bit in excitement. Mushu looked healthy and vibrant. Her coat glistened with a healthy shine, and the caramel, toffee, and onyx colors of her coat were bright. The white spot that had been on her back, always looking like a heart was prominent as if it had been brushed and made to stay that way. She wrapped her arms around the dog feeling its heartbeat against her chest.
So involved was she, that she didn’t notice again, the next warm touch against her body. Turning startled, she looked and saw her other dog “Dotty”. Dotty, who had passed many years ago from cancer looked so healthy now. Her fur was brushed fine and sparkling in its color of perfect white. She looked at her with her gray eyes and sat prettily looking for attention but not rushing, savoring the reunion. Picking up the hem of her dress gently to fully kneel in the grass, she wrapped Dotty in a hug so tight she feared it was too much. Mushu joined Dotty and together all three sat in the cliff hugging, and playing while tears crept down the woman’s face. She felt a joy she hadn’t felt in a long time at the sight of her old companions, and for the first time her spirit was lifted.
She stood quietly at long last, giving each dog one last pat on the head, and turned to face the sun again, now a brilliant shade of orange. Each dog flanked her sides and sat in quiet showing their respect for the miracle she was witnessing.
Again she heard the grass rustling and this time didn’t turn in anticipation, but smiled wondering what other joys this sanctuary would bring her. She felt rather than saw the hand reaching for her shoulder. She turned slowly her breath caught in her throat as she saw the woman of light she had known as Jessie. Her image shimmered as light does, but slowly became clear and solid. Smiling at her was the true image of the woman who had moved her so in her life. No words were spoken, but the eyes connecting spoke volumes enough. Suddenly, facing Jessie she saw images, a slight wavering of the air, a shimmering even with no hint of what lay beyond. She squinted as Jessie squeezed her shoulder lightly reassuring her, and before her one by one materialized three women that she had not seen in years. With a cry, stifled by the sudden lump in her throat, she reached forward to touch the first woman’s face.
“Kathleen…” it came out as a whisper and the mirage shimmered becoming solid smiling and nodding.
To Kathleen’s left a woman with fiery red hair, tall as an Amazon with beautiful sparkling blue eyes appeared. At this sight, the tears flowed freely and she let them fall without hesitation. She didn’t even need to speak but heard her say what she couldn’t speak aloud.
“Grandma…” She smiled at the vision even though her eyes nearly clouded over with tears. The air rippled around the figure as it became solid and she could see her grandmother reaching forward to gently touch her heart with a now solid hand. The touch electrified her and gave her immeasurable calm at the same time.
To her left, the air rippled and danced again with sparkling shimmers of light and the last vision appeared quickly as if it couldn’t wait to be seen. The woman covered her mouth and held her breath not believing what she was seeing.
“Pamela…” the word came out husky, throaty, as if it had gotten lodged in her throat… “My sister…” she continued silently.
She watched each of these woman, each who had a special effect on her life at various points in her life. She knew then, at least one purpose for this visit. She had asked for peace, had fallen into the reclining chair in her waking world crying for solace as the ghosts of her past came, haunting her with madness.
She turned back to Jessie while Mushu and Dotty danced happily at her feet carefree as dogs are… She spoke in her mind, as she reached for Jessie’s hands.
”I failed you” she cried silently her tears like silver slipping from her glowing eyes to trace a path down her cheeks.
Jessie squeezed her hands tightly and smiled intoning in what must only be the voice of an angel…
“No my dear, you did not. You gave me what it is you seek now. You gave me joy, peace and rest.” She smiled at her letting her words sink in before continuing. “And I am here always with you, wherever you need me. I am in your heart holding the torch to steer away the darkness, to hold your hand when you’re afraid and I am always here.” She smiled and squeezed her hands gently as tears continued tracing healing paths to the woman’s heart. Jessie released the woman’s hands and touched her shoulders, her hands glowing white with light. The touch was warm and radiated out from the shoulders down into her arms. She spoke one last time to her…
“Your arms are imbued with the gift of love. They have the ability to heal just by their being wrapped around another. It is this hug that sets you and others free…”
Jessie stepped back and nodded to her right, indicating she was to talk to her next vision. Reluctantly she turned her head from Jessie, her head swimming with so many questions.
Kathleen put her hands on the woman’s chin steering her gently like a mother would to a child to look into her eyes. She spoke to the woman first, allaying her questions.
“In time as you visit us, you will know more… but we have gifts to give you now my dearest friend.”
The woman looked at Kathleen, her secret tumbling from her lips falling like rose petals to the ground.
“I failed you, I was so mad that you left me… that we had become such good friends, and you left…I just couldn’t handle it, I cried so hard, I just couldn’t let go…” Her body shook with the tears that poured from her raining down onto the grass at her feet. She continued, “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t there for you.”
Kathleen put her hands around the woman’s waist holding gently around the green sash that cinched the white dress and spoke clearly in a soft voice that was carried on the breeze.
“No, my dear, you did not. You were there at a time when I had no one. I had the benefit of knowing you when I was healthy, sharing with you when I laughed, loving you when I lived. I carried that in my heart everyday, and even still to this moment carry it. You were my friend of the heart, and always will be and you can never have never failed me…”
With that said, Kathleen reached forward and ran her hands down the sides of the woman’s body. She spoke quietly, softly…
“Your chest has the ability to heal, for within it beats your heart. Your heart provides the life sustaining energies you need to carry on. Your body, houses it. Your body is a temple of love, it was built that way.” Her hands glowed white as they trailed down her sides and wound up around her waist again. “Respect your temple, it is within there that your love resides, where you can dip into the bottomless well of light that you have.” She smiled and stepped one step back her fingers trailing away from the woman. She nodded gently, indicating she should talk to the next one to her right.
Learning quickly the routine, and staving off the endless questions, she turned slowly her eyes welling up again with silver tears. She didn’t even reach forward to touch her grandmother fearing that to do so would break the magical spell cast upon her that allowed her to see her soul mate once again.
“Grandma…” the words trailed off and she couldn’t speak again. Of the deep secrets she had for these people, this one hurt the most… She dare not speak it.
Her grandmother stepped forward and wrapped her in a hug that at once lifted her spirits to soar. She felt light as if she could fly, and she felt warmth seeping in to carry away the taint of negativity she had. Her grandmother whispered to her in her ear…
“I know you think you failed me. I know you think that because you got tired of saying goodbye everyday to be prepared for my leaving, that the one day you didn’t and the next I was gone was your fault. You were a child my darling, and knew nothing of the ways of the world at the time. But trust me, I knew then, as I know now, as I have always known from the moment my daughter came home with you… that you loved me and still do.”
The woman shook with the force of the tears that overwhelmed her hearing her grandmother say these words.
Her grandmother kept her wrapped tightly in a hug, but took her left hand and began to lovingly stroke her hair. Her hands glowed white with every pass, leaving trails of white light in the woman’s hair each time. She continued on to stroke her ear and neck as she whispered to her.
“Your head my child has always had the ability to comprehend emotions just as much as your beautiful heart. Your ears have the ability to hear that, which most cannot at first glance. What you think you lack, you have so much of… You just have to reach for it. It’s always been inside of you, it was given to you, and you just have to use it.”
Her grandmother hugged her tighter and whispered in her heart “I love you my sweet angel.” She released her hug and the woman nearly fell over not wanting to let go. She didn’t care now that her eyes were so blinded with tears that she could barely see. She looked at all four of the visions and saw them for what they truly were; angels… her angels.
Her grandmother smiled at her and nodded towards her sister, indicating that this was her next visit.
She stood silently facing the woman that she missed so, and was unable to speak. Pamela put her index finger over her own lips and smiled her beautiful quirky smile that had always graced her in life.
She glided forward and placed both her hands on her sisters heart. They glowed an alternating color of white, softest healing pink, then green. She smiled up at her sister waiting for her to speak as she knew her words must be spoken first… Eventually her voice found her and she spoke through wracking sobs.
“I was so mad at you. I was so mad at you for always taking mother away from me with your illnesses and needs. I was mad at you for leaving that night. I was mad that you chose those people over us. Those people we left behind when we moved, that didn’t care about you… you left us for them. “ She spoke faster and faster until she could barely understand herself, but she had so much to say…
“Then, the night you were in the hospital, I was mad at God. I told him I would never forgive him if he took you. I felt responsible for you since we had been growing closer, you see? And how could I be responsible for you, if you were gone. You were all I had… I cursed God that night. I told him I could never forgive…” and she leaned forward against her sisters hands sobbing with all her guilt her words dissipating on the gentle breeze of dusk.
All three of the other visions moved behind her supporting her and whispering words of comfort to her.
Pamela finally spoke and her voice was the softest sweetest sound the woman had ever heard. As she spoke the light that emanated from her hands pulsed into her sisters heart.
“I know you were mad at me. All those years, because you excelled, you didn’t need. But I did. My time in this world was short, because I needed to be here… for you.” She smiled at the woman so gently, the smile of a mother to a young child, not condescending but full of the most beautiful love.
Her tears slowly began to abate as the woman held her up, and her sister covered her heart. She looked at her eager for her to continue and the vision did not disappoint.
“Your heart my sister, your beautiful heart is the essence of it all. You were given these gifts by angels, and though you were afraid, now is the time. Now more than ever, you need to live in your heart. You have tremendous gifts to bestow on those that want them. Your heart is a beacon sister. It is a light that shines in the darkest of times and people see it… you must let it shine so people have hope; so people know of love. You have the heart of an angel sister, let everyone see it.”
She gently moved her hands away from her heart and smiled at her shimmering softly in the approaching night.
The woman turned back towards the water; it felt like the right thing to do. She stood there watching the stars wink into existence as the moon looked upon the angels and their charge. Both dogs sat at her legs, their bodies pressed up against hers offering unwavering love. The angels stepped behind the woman, placing their hands on her body. One hand on a shoulder, one on her head, one on her waist, and the last, on her back directly over where her heart was… And into the deep night they stood. The four guardian angels and their charge, offering her hope and light in the darkest of times.
It was an image she would not soon forget.
©SKW
Friday, July 27, 2007
I am in LOVE!
I first met him two months ago when I was apartment hunting. My eyes spied him sitting idly in a corner at the Amli leasing office, looking at me. He wore black and silver and smelled divine! His bright blue eyes blinked at me beckoning and so I came over and made my acquaintance. With a shaky hand I reached out and said hello. I’ve been infatuated ever since.
The next time I saw him, He wore the same black and silver, his blue eyes ever bright and flashing. He beckoned this time again, and I couldn’t resist; my feet gliding over to where he stood as if in a trance. I even showed Mrs. Virgo his way and off she went smiling to share in this heavenly sight. I smiled too as I inhaled his rich scent and indulged again & again & again, basking in the brief moment of our interlude. Sadly when it came time for me to leave, I was left perpetually longing for more.
The third time I saw him, Mrs. Virgo had him at her house. I was so jealous! But still, his soothing eyes, the inviting aroma, it was too much to be angry at… (I mean how can you be angry when the brightest blue eyes ever, penetrate your soul!) and I’ve since headed over to her place to partake of his presence twice now! Every single time we got together, the experience left me satisfied and yet... always longing for more. (I know, I’m so bad).
But now, our union is finally complete. I thought Google Man would be very upset at this intrusion to our relationship. I thought for sure when I let him come home into my heart, and accepted him fully into my life that Google man would brandish the sword of jealousy and demand he leave our home immediately! But Google man surprised me... He smiled and told me that he too thought this was just what we needed in our lives.
Yes, it’s true, I’ve given my heart to another. And he’s wonderful! He is warm, quick (but not so quick that I can’t enjoy it!), he only steams off once in a while, and the end result of any interaction with him is the finest, sweetest, longest, best times I’ve had to date. Well as good as anyone can have, with a coffee maker.
Here he is folks! Meet Mr. B70…
The next time I saw him, He wore the same black and silver, his blue eyes ever bright and flashing. He beckoned this time again, and I couldn’t resist; my feet gliding over to where he stood as if in a trance. I even showed Mrs. Virgo his way and off she went smiling to share in this heavenly sight. I smiled too as I inhaled his rich scent and indulged again & again & again, basking in the brief moment of our interlude. Sadly when it came time for me to leave, I was left perpetually longing for more.
The third time I saw him, Mrs. Virgo had him at her house. I was so jealous! But still, his soothing eyes, the inviting aroma, it was too much to be angry at… (I mean how can you be angry when the brightest blue eyes ever, penetrate your soul!) and I’ve since headed over to her place to partake of his presence twice now! Every single time we got together, the experience left me satisfied and yet... always longing for more. (I know, I’m so bad).
But now, our union is finally complete. I thought Google Man would be very upset at this intrusion to our relationship. I thought for sure when I let him come home into my heart, and accepted him fully into my life that Google man would brandish the sword of jealousy and demand he leave our home immediately! But Google man surprised me... He smiled and told me that he too thought this was just what we needed in our lives.
Yes, it’s true, I’ve given my heart to another. And he’s wonderful! He is warm, quick (but not so quick that I can’t enjoy it!), he only steams off once in a while, and the end result of any interaction with him is the finest, sweetest, longest, best times I’ve had to date. Well as good as anyone can have, with a coffee maker.
Here he is folks! Meet Mr. B70…
He makes one cup at a time, he brews it perfectly, he doesn’t make a mess, and never complains as often as I (*Ahem*)… use him. He is, the perfect addition to any woman’s (or coffee, tea, or hot chocolate lovers) life ;)
Yes...life is very good.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Doubts & Stress & Decisions... Oh my!
Lately I have had cause to wonder why I had the surgery last year. Now the minute I have thoughts like that I know; I need to change something FAST. Because I'll tell you why I had the surgery: "Because my life is worth saving".
My life lately (seems since last year) has been one rush or another. Starting with the vacuum of silence that penetrated everything as I was diagnosed, to the onslaught of painful noise when stress, life, and dealing with it all began (and continues) to assault my ears.
Something needs to give when I start to think thoughts like that, for even one SECOND.
I have some hard decisions in front of me. Recurring medical issues and bills threaten the tenuous balance I have on my finances daily and I'm not complaining or whining, simply stating a fact. This is one of my biggest stresses.
My job gets no better, and for each day I have to take off for a medical appointment I lose pay. My boss who was asked by her partner here to look into insurance because he knew I would need it, has decided that she wont (for whatever reason). So in the end I must go. This is another of my biggest stresses and one of my daily struggles as getting up to go to this job gets harder and harder each day.
Some stresses were removed; the move is done and I'm settling in, and now the quietness of normalcy in some ways is setting in. This is a welcome relief, but there are other things as well going on that were not planned (though on the big scale they are small in comparison).
I've sat in depression a few times over these stresses, cried some about it, and yet today seem to have a clearer head about it all.
I was stressing about having to file bankruptcy. I've worked so hard since my divorce to get my credit to a good place. My efforts paid off with my credit rating being higher than 30% of the general public. And thanks to some very generous people who helped during my cancer, my credit didn't slip because the bills were paid on time. But I cannot rely on others to fix this. I have a choice, I can choose to be sad about it or do something about it. I'm here for a reason, and it's not to sit in stress or wallow in tears over things.
I'm 85% convinced that bankruptcy is the way to go (I do not see any other option really...) And when I was sad about it, I remembered what someone said to me (I can't even remember who): "You do what you have to do, your life is worth everything".
I understand. Tomorrow I may be sad as my emotions wax and wane & over time I may lose sight of that statement. But where it counts truly, deeply I understand.
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today may you have clear sight to your goals & dreams. No matter how far away they seem or how out of your grasp, the fact that they are there makes them worth the journey.
You are a blessing to me everday.
XO
My life lately (seems since last year) has been one rush or another. Starting with the vacuum of silence that penetrated everything as I was diagnosed, to the onslaught of painful noise when stress, life, and dealing with it all began (and continues) to assault my ears.
Something needs to give when I start to think thoughts like that, for even one SECOND.
I have some hard decisions in front of me. Recurring medical issues and bills threaten the tenuous balance I have on my finances daily and I'm not complaining or whining, simply stating a fact. This is one of my biggest stresses.
My job gets no better, and for each day I have to take off for a medical appointment I lose pay. My boss who was asked by her partner here to look into insurance because he knew I would need it, has decided that she wont (for whatever reason). So in the end I must go. This is another of my biggest stresses and one of my daily struggles as getting up to go to this job gets harder and harder each day.
Some stresses were removed; the move is done and I'm settling in, and now the quietness of normalcy in some ways is setting in. This is a welcome relief, but there are other things as well going on that were not planned (though on the big scale they are small in comparison).
I've sat in depression a few times over these stresses, cried some about it, and yet today seem to have a clearer head about it all.
I was stressing about having to file bankruptcy. I've worked so hard since my divorce to get my credit to a good place. My efforts paid off with my credit rating being higher than 30% of the general public. And thanks to some very generous people who helped during my cancer, my credit didn't slip because the bills were paid on time. But I cannot rely on others to fix this. I have a choice, I can choose to be sad about it or do something about it. I'm here for a reason, and it's not to sit in stress or wallow in tears over things.
I'm 85% convinced that bankruptcy is the way to go (I do not see any other option really...) And when I was sad about it, I remembered what someone said to me (I can't even remember who): "You do what you have to do, your life is worth everything".
I understand. Tomorrow I may be sad as my emotions wax and wane & over time I may lose sight of that statement. But where it counts truly, deeply I understand.
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today may you have clear sight to your goals & dreams. No matter how far away they seem or how out of your grasp, the fact that they are there makes them worth the journey.
You are a blessing to me everday.
XO
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Communication
Communication is not always easy. Just ask all the counselors out there who see a lack of it everyday in their practice. It’s not easy. But for me, sometimes and especially as of late, it’s become more than not easy. It’s become a mental journey through struggle of conversations that may not go as I plan.
I’m still getting used to the emotions that run through me at any given time; some known and some that sneak up on me pouncing at the most inappropriate times. Sometimes I can see the differences in communication though not at the time I’m having the discussion. It takes me a “cool down” time that I never really had to deal with too much before. After the heat is over (which can take days sometimes now) I can see that my mother and talk differently and after 31 years of communicating, we still don’t have it right. I can see that she states the obvious because she’s thinking aloud, and I can see that when she does that during a time when I’m upset, I leap to conclusions. I can see that sometimes she means what she says and says she doesn’t mean it when she see my reaction, because she’s trying to salvage the conversation.
I can see that when a conversation that doesn’t go the way I anticipated and throws more things at me to think about (like someone else’s opinion on the matter), I get confused. I suffer the fight or flight syndrome when conversations like that happen, having to struggle to not say “Okay, fine, forget it”, when the matter should be pressed and resolved.
Communication is hard. Relationships are work. But the payoff is a reward when mastered successfully that is immeasurable. I have to work hard to see the end goal sometimes, thanks to my emotions clouding everything. And more often than not, tears are the only thing that open my eyes even as they cloud them.
So beware friends if we argue, or have difference of opinion; don’t take things personally, state your opinion or feelings clearly and without a rise in temper, and remember that sometimes I’m not going to be myself as far as emotional stability. In return, I will remember to breathe and resolve the issue until it’s exhausted itself into nothingness. I will also work very hard to control the roller coaster of emotions inside me so that harsh words are not spoken that have no basis in truth.
These are the thoughts on my mind today.
Muse
I’m still getting used to the emotions that run through me at any given time; some known and some that sneak up on me pouncing at the most inappropriate times. Sometimes I can see the differences in communication though not at the time I’m having the discussion. It takes me a “cool down” time that I never really had to deal with too much before. After the heat is over (which can take days sometimes now) I can see that my mother and talk differently and after 31 years of communicating, we still don’t have it right. I can see that she states the obvious because she’s thinking aloud, and I can see that when she does that during a time when I’m upset, I leap to conclusions. I can see that sometimes she means what she says and says she doesn’t mean it when she see my reaction, because she’s trying to salvage the conversation.
I can see that when a conversation that doesn’t go the way I anticipated and throws more things at me to think about (like someone else’s opinion on the matter), I get confused. I suffer the fight or flight syndrome when conversations like that happen, having to struggle to not say “Okay, fine, forget it”, when the matter should be pressed and resolved.
Communication is hard. Relationships are work. But the payoff is a reward when mastered successfully that is immeasurable. I have to work hard to see the end goal sometimes, thanks to my emotions clouding everything. And more often than not, tears are the only thing that open my eyes even as they cloud them.
So beware friends if we argue, or have difference of opinion; don’t take things personally, state your opinion or feelings clearly and without a rise in temper, and remember that sometimes I’m not going to be myself as far as emotional stability. In return, I will remember to breathe and resolve the issue until it’s exhausted itself into nothingness. I will also work very hard to control the roller coaster of emotions inside me so that harsh words are not spoken that have no basis in truth.
These are the thoughts on my mind today.
Muse
Monday, July 23, 2007
Weekend of fun
“We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” ~George Bernard Shaw
This weekend was amazingly long, definitely too short, full of great fun, warm hearts, blissful joy, lots of walking, good food, good company, and lots of laughter.
This past weekend I had the great fortune to meet for the first time face to face the person known online as Elindo. We have been friends online for quite some time now and he (and his family!) is as close to me as anyone. This visit was nearly 5 years in the making and finally despite some struggles (and a delayed flight of over 4 hours!) he arrived late Thursday night where I could envelope him in my arms for the first time.
From the very first moment my arms touched him in that brief hug, all was well. We got in the car to head for home and the conversation never ceased. It was as if we were family that had just been apart for a few years, instead of friends who laid eyes upon each other for the first time in 5.
We talked long into the night neither of us wishing to go to bed, until sleep finally claimed us without our consent. We spent Friday, dirtying up and making soap and letting our creativity overwhelm us. Amid all the plans and aspirations of things to get done over the weekend, there was a level of calm that meant nothing mattered. The carefully laid plans didn’t NEED to be done if we wished it, the timing of things was irrelevant if we just wanted to stop and slow it down…
Shortly into the early afternoon Friday, my second guest joined us. Eluniar arrived, parents in tow and proceeded to join in the festivities wholeheartedly. It felt from that moment on that we (all four of us) were always meant to have been together this weekend, and that perhaps in the future we would always find this comfortable niche among us. Eluniar and Elindo having never met seemed to not find that awkward first meeting present for them. They gelled perfectly and off we all went to our weekend of fun.
Friday we played games, Saturday we went to the renaissance fair (pictures to come soon!), we talked all along, and we laughed, and had the best time. On Sunday we had the best breakfast ever, to help sweeten the inevitable sadness I felt as everyone departed for home.
There isn’t enough room on the page to tell you all we said or did. But what I can convey to you is the happiness that radiated through me all weekend long to have been around such great people, good friends, and good times. I love you Elindo and Eluniar, it was my pleasure and honor to have you two bright spirits in my home this weekend. Thank you, for my seemingly perpetual smile today.
XO
Muse
This weekend was amazingly long, definitely too short, full of great fun, warm hearts, blissful joy, lots of walking, good food, good company, and lots of laughter.
This past weekend I had the great fortune to meet for the first time face to face the person known online as Elindo. We have been friends online for quite some time now and he (and his family!) is as close to me as anyone. This visit was nearly 5 years in the making and finally despite some struggles (and a delayed flight of over 4 hours!) he arrived late Thursday night where I could envelope him in my arms for the first time.
From the very first moment my arms touched him in that brief hug, all was well. We got in the car to head for home and the conversation never ceased. It was as if we were family that had just been apart for a few years, instead of friends who laid eyes upon each other for the first time in 5.
We talked long into the night neither of us wishing to go to bed, until sleep finally claimed us without our consent. We spent Friday, dirtying up and making soap and letting our creativity overwhelm us. Amid all the plans and aspirations of things to get done over the weekend, there was a level of calm that meant nothing mattered. The carefully laid plans didn’t NEED to be done if we wished it, the timing of things was irrelevant if we just wanted to stop and slow it down…
Shortly into the early afternoon Friday, my second guest joined us. Eluniar arrived, parents in tow and proceeded to join in the festivities wholeheartedly. It felt from that moment on that we (all four of us) were always meant to have been together this weekend, and that perhaps in the future we would always find this comfortable niche among us. Eluniar and Elindo having never met seemed to not find that awkward first meeting present for them. They gelled perfectly and off we all went to our weekend of fun.
Friday we played games, Saturday we went to the renaissance fair (pictures to come soon!), we talked all along, and we laughed, and had the best time. On Sunday we had the best breakfast ever, to help sweeten the inevitable sadness I felt as everyone departed for home.
There isn’t enough room on the page to tell you all we said or did. But what I can convey to you is the happiness that radiated through me all weekend long to have been around such great people, good friends, and good times. I love you Elindo and Eluniar, it was my pleasure and honor to have you two bright spirits in my home this weekend. Thank you, for my seemingly perpetual smile today.
XO
Muse
Thursday, July 19, 2007
The Day is Done
A fitting poem today.
The Day Is Done
The day is done, and the darkness
Falls from the wings of night,
As a feather is wafted downward
From an eagle in his flight.
I see the lights of the village
Gleam through the rain and the mist,
And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me
That my soul cannot resist:
A feeling of sadness and longing,
That is not akin to pain,
And resembles sorrow only
As the mist resembles the rain.
Come, read to me some poem,
Some simple and heartfelt lay,
That shall soothe this restless feeling,
And banish the thoughts of day.
Not from the grand old masters,
Not from the bards sublime,
Whose distant footsteps echo
Through the corridors of Time.
For, like strains of martial music,
Their mighty thoughts suggest
Life's endless toil and endeavor;
And to-night I long for rest.
Read from some humbler poet,
Whose songs gushed from his heart,
As showers from the clouds of summer,
Or tears from the eyelids start;
Who, through long days of labor,
And nights devoid of ease,
Still heard in his soul the music
Of wonderful melodies.
Such songs have power to quiet.
The restless pulse of care,
And come like the benediction
That follows after prayer.
Then read from the treasured volume
The poem of thy choice,
And lend to the rhyme of the poet
The beauty of thy voice.
And the night shall be filled with music
And the cares, that infest the day,
Shall fold their tents, like the Arabs,
And as silently steal away.
~Henry Longfellow
The Day Is Done
The day is done, and the darkness
Falls from the wings of night,
As a feather is wafted downward
From an eagle in his flight.
I see the lights of the village
Gleam through the rain and the mist,
And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me
That my soul cannot resist:
A feeling of sadness and longing,
That is not akin to pain,
And resembles sorrow only
As the mist resembles the rain.
Come, read to me some poem,
Some simple and heartfelt lay,
That shall soothe this restless feeling,
And banish the thoughts of day.
Not from the grand old masters,
Not from the bards sublime,
Whose distant footsteps echo
Through the corridors of Time.
For, like strains of martial music,
Their mighty thoughts suggest
Life's endless toil and endeavor;
And to-night I long for rest.
Read from some humbler poet,
Whose songs gushed from his heart,
As showers from the clouds of summer,
Or tears from the eyelids start;
Who, through long days of labor,
And nights devoid of ease,
Still heard in his soul the music
Of wonderful melodies.
Such songs have power to quiet.
The restless pulse of care,
And come like the benediction
That follows after prayer.
Then read from the treasured volume
The poem of thy choice,
And lend to the rhyme of the poet
The beauty of thy voice.
And the night shall be filled with music
And the cares, that infest the day,
Shall fold their tents, like the Arabs,
And as silently steal away.
~Henry Longfellow
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Psychology with Dr. muse
I accept Life & Health;
I receive this gift
(My mantra yesterday just before another doctor's visit)
~*~*~*~*~*~
I feel like a broken record. It seems that for the past year at least, my life has been a series of doctor’s visits and Chaotic emergencies; peppered with a roller coaster ride of newly discovered emotions, memory loss, and uncertainty. I wonder sometimes how this all came about. What happened that started this? Or maybe even, what happened in another life that I’m paying for now. Cosmically, Karma dictates that something was done. Logically reality dictates that I’ve just been unhealthy recently. Psychologically the mind dictates that maybe things are just getting out of hand and I’ve reached my limit with what I can take.
If these tests come back with anything wrong, I will of course do what I need to do and figure out something later on to help with the financial issues. If they come back with something easily treatable, then the things I go through that cause me great pain need to be alleviated by stress relief. If they come back with nothing wrong, then I need some help to examine my life and make changes DRASTICALLY, accordingly.
I see changes in either event on three major horizons.
1. Job – Finding something to do that fulfills me in some manner. I can no longer do just “any” job. But my emotional and psychological well being needs to be “fed” and helping others in SOME capacity is the way to go. I just have to sit down, iron out what I want and find it. Not an easy process but one that is part of life’s journey and must be made.
2. Diet – I need to unlock the door to my physical well being. This means working out whatever little psychological demon is causing me to fall prey to my depression and eat when I should be doing other things (meditating, working out). This is becoming a problem as my health seemingly declines. I know, for a fact, that if this doesn’t change, I will not be around to talk about these things for as many years as I’d like to be.
3. Spirituality – I need to dedicate myself to a path. Any path. Even if it’s just meditation every morning that’s something. I need to center myself and raise my vibrational energy to a higher level so peace can be attained. In filling myself with this spirituality of whatever I feel resonates with my soul, then I can give that to others… not before.
My problem is always and has always been motivation, consistency, and dedication. Finding time between gaming, relationships, and a stressful job is difficult. Finding the balance between them all has been nearly impossible. I believe I can do all three things listed above and enjoy them immensely. But my priorities need to change.
I have to come first. That is perhaps the hardest lesson for someone like me to learn.
It’s not conceit that drives that statement. It’s recognition that without filling myself up first, that I can’t give to others because I have nothing to give. Giving without having filled yourself up first is a self destructive behavior. Psychologically it leads to the “martyr” syndrome, and subsequently to guilt when perceived obligations are not achieved. Emotionally it leads to unhealthy attachments; attachments to actions and goals that may seem admirable, but really do nothing for anyone. Spiritually, it’s a temporary way to fill the void that only *I* can fill by my own caring for myself; and that also is a bad pattern to begin.
I look back on my twenties and I can really see how I felt I was invincible, how I had so much time, how nothing was too urgent (at least nothing of spiritual, emotional, or physical importance). I can truly see now the division between 20’s and now. While I do not feel that I’m on a ticking clock, I realize now that each second we waste not taking care of ourselves and then helping others is time wasted on nothing. Money is not important except for basic survival, & fulfillment in career (for me) is not important unless it fulfills me inside, and allows me to help others. I want to do better for myself.
I keep talking about that, but don’t really see too much change in that direction. Sure a spurt here or there, but no real consistency. Sometimes it takes time and repetition for new behaviors/habits to sink in. Let’s see if this new wave of health issues, stress and financial pains helps keep me focused. It’s a lesson I’ve seen repeated too many times in my life to be continually ignored.
Be well,
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today I wish you well. I wish you peace. I wish you fulfillment and all things bright and beautiful. You deserve it.
You are a blessing to me everyday
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
“Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down.”
~Natalie Goldberg
I receive this gift
(My mantra yesterday just before another doctor's visit)
~*~*~*~*~*~
I feel like a broken record. It seems that for the past year at least, my life has been a series of doctor’s visits and Chaotic emergencies; peppered with a roller coaster ride of newly discovered emotions, memory loss, and uncertainty. I wonder sometimes how this all came about. What happened that started this? Or maybe even, what happened in another life that I’m paying for now. Cosmically, Karma dictates that something was done. Logically reality dictates that I’ve just been unhealthy recently. Psychologically the mind dictates that maybe things are just getting out of hand and I’ve reached my limit with what I can take.
If these tests come back with anything wrong, I will of course do what I need to do and figure out something later on to help with the financial issues. If they come back with something easily treatable, then the things I go through that cause me great pain need to be alleviated by stress relief. If they come back with nothing wrong, then I need some help to examine my life and make changes DRASTICALLY, accordingly.
I see changes in either event on three major horizons.
1. Job – Finding something to do that fulfills me in some manner. I can no longer do just “any” job. But my emotional and psychological well being needs to be “fed” and helping others in SOME capacity is the way to go. I just have to sit down, iron out what I want and find it. Not an easy process but one that is part of life’s journey and must be made.
2. Diet – I need to unlock the door to my physical well being. This means working out whatever little psychological demon is causing me to fall prey to my depression and eat when I should be doing other things (meditating, working out). This is becoming a problem as my health seemingly declines. I know, for a fact, that if this doesn’t change, I will not be around to talk about these things for as many years as I’d like to be.
3. Spirituality – I need to dedicate myself to a path. Any path. Even if it’s just meditation every morning that’s something. I need to center myself and raise my vibrational energy to a higher level so peace can be attained. In filling myself with this spirituality of whatever I feel resonates with my soul, then I can give that to others… not before.
My problem is always and has always been motivation, consistency, and dedication. Finding time between gaming, relationships, and a stressful job is difficult. Finding the balance between them all has been nearly impossible. I believe I can do all three things listed above and enjoy them immensely. But my priorities need to change.
I have to come first. That is perhaps the hardest lesson for someone like me to learn.
It’s not conceit that drives that statement. It’s recognition that without filling myself up first, that I can’t give to others because I have nothing to give. Giving without having filled yourself up first is a self destructive behavior. Psychologically it leads to the “martyr” syndrome, and subsequently to guilt when perceived obligations are not achieved. Emotionally it leads to unhealthy attachments; attachments to actions and goals that may seem admirable, but really do nothing for anyone. Spiritually, it’s a temporary way to fill the void that only *I* can fill by my own caring for myself; and that also is a bad pattern to begin.
I look back on my twenties and I can really see how I felt I was invincible, how I had so much time, how nothing was too urgent (at least nothing of spiritual, emotional, or physical importance). I can truly see now the division between 20’s and now. While I do not feel that I’m on a ticking clock, I realize now that each second we waste not taking care of ourselves and then helping others is time wasted on nothing. Money is not important except for basic survival, & fulfillment in career (for me) is not important unless it fulfills me inside, and allows me to help others. I want to do better for myself.
I keep talking about that, but don’t really see too much change in that direction. Sure a spurt here or there, but no real consistency. Sometimes it takes time and repetition for new behaviors/habits to sink in. Let’s see if this new wave of health issues, stress and financial pains helps keep me focused. It’s a lesson I’ve seen repeated too many times in my life to be continually ignored.
Be well,
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today I wish you well. I wish you peace. I wish you fulfillment and all things bright and beautiful. You deserve it.
You are a blessing to me everyday
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
“Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down.”
~Natalie Goldberg
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
15 minutes with me... the good, the bad, and the stark truth (confession too)
“Oh, you’re such a wimp”
The ups and downs of a 15 minute session with me… (In other words: What I’m doing right now)
I sit here today knowing that I’ve written three or more posts, and deleted them all instead of posting them feeling that they lacked any interest whatsoever.
I sit here deciding finally to post and hope it’s well received.
I sit here waiting for the next phase of my life because it seems I’m stuck in a rut in some ways.
I sit here grateful for so many things
I sit here suffering from menopause and that makes me depressed over so many other things
I sit here about to announce my biggest dark secret and here it goes… I sit here suffering from withdrawal from nicotine from a bad habit I picked up *after* I had cancer and thanks to someone who introduced that and the goodness of food back into my life, helping me to gain all the weight I lost after the surgery right back again; someone who really really hurt me (yes immediately after my surgery when I was the weakest).
I sit here worried about the 5th various medical test (anything from: high white blood cell count, swollen lymph nodes, chest pains) I’m about to take in as little as two weeks, and hoping that *if* they find something wrong I can wait until after this weekend to have anything done.
I sit here knowing how stupid this post sounds but not able to stop typing it
I sit here hoping that I find some money soon, or a better job, or a means to escape some financial hardship
I sit here with secret thoughts that I will share with only one person
I sit here afraid
I sit here happy in so many ways, soothed even, while I listen to music on my iPod.
I sit here typing and all this sadness is coming out of me
I am so sad for so many people who are going through things, heartache, physical ache, loss of family/friends
I sit here contemplating the words verbal abuse as they relate to the workforce
I sit here having ignored a request from my boss to come see someone’s baby’s photos because I could care less about their circle of friends or their kids and I’m certainly not going to waste time going to see a picture of any of them
I wonder if what I just said was mean… Then I think about the above opening statement provided to me by my superior yesterday and tell myself it’s not mean at all.
I sit here HATING the fact that I sit right next to the damn toilet in the office here and NO one seems to care that this might be a bad thing?
I sit here reading the blog “Post Secret” Because I love to know people confess things, and I regularly look for my two initial posted confessions (which I haven’t seen yet).
And finally, at the 15th minute of my 15 minutes of fame in my blog right now, I sit here ready to fall asleep from exhaustion as it seems no matter how long I sleep I never get enough, or maybe not good quality or whatever, and hope that I can change things in my life, because if I don’t… I do not know what will happen.
~*~*~*~*~*~
This was the easiest way to write my post today. Sorry if it’s less than stellar for the first post I’ve made in a few days. But there is a struggle going on, and while there are good things too (there always are) the struggle is enough to again silence me. I refuse to be silent anymore.
Muse
The ups and downs of a 15 minute session with me… (In other words: What I’m doing right now)
I sit here today knowing that I’ve written three or more posts, and deleted them all instead of posting them feeling that they lacked any interest whatsoever.
I sit here deciding finally to post and hope it’s well received.
I sit here waiting for the next phase of my life because it seems I’m stuck in a rut in some ways.
I sit here grateful for so many things
I sit here suffering from menopause and that makes me depressed over so many other things
I sit here about to announce my biggest dark secret and here it goes… I sit here suffering from withdrawal from nicotine from a bad habit I picked up *after* I had cancer and thanks to someone who introduced that and the goodness of food back into my life, helping me to gain all the weight I lost after the surgery right back again; someone who really really hurt me (yes immediately after my surgery when I was the weakest).
I sit here worried about the 5th various medical test (anything from: high white blood cell count, swollen lymph nodes, chest pains) I’m about to take in as little as two weeks, and hoping that *if* they find something wrong I can wait until after this weekend to have anything done.
I sit here knowing how stupid this post sounds but not able to stop typing it
I sit here hoping that I find some money soon, or a better job, or a means to escape some financial hardship
I sit here with secret thoughts that I will share with only one person
I sit here afraid
I sit here happy in so many ways, soothed even, while I listen to music on my iPod.
I sit here typing and all this sadness is coming out of me
I am so sad for so many people who are going through things, heartache, physical ache, loss of family/friends
I sit here contemplating the words verbal abuse as they relate to the workforce
I sit here having ignored a request from my boss to come see someone’s baby’s photos because I could care less about their circle of friends or their kids and I’m certainly not going to waste time going to see a picture of any of them
I wonder if what I just said was mean… Then I think about the above opening statement provided to me by my superior yesterday and tell myself it’s not mean at all.
I sit here HATING the fact that I sit right next to the damn toilet in the office here and NO one seems to care that this might be a bad thing?
I sit here reading the blog “Post Secret” Because I love to know people confess things, and I regularly look for my two initial posted confessions (which I haven’t seen yet).
And finally, at the 15th minute of my 15 minutes of fame in my blog right now, I sit here ready to fall asleep from exhaustion as it seems no matter how long I sleep I never get enough, or maybe not good quality or whatever, and hope that I can change things in my life, because if I don’t… I do not know what will happen.
~*~*~*~*~*~
This was the easiest way to write my post today. Sorry if it’s less than stellar for the first post I’ve made in a few days. But there is a struggle going on, and while there are good things too (there always are) the struggle is enough to again silence me. I refuse to be silent anymore.
Muse
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Moving on up... not necessarily to the East side
I startled awake and bleary eyed looked at the clock. The floating numbers called out 6:30am.
"Oh Crap! My first day back and I'm going to be late!"
And so began the usual routine of trying to squeeze a few extra minutes in, when you have none to spare.
I am so tired. I am so sore. But I am moved into a new place that has the feel of a luxury resort. Life is good.
Friday, the move went longer than anticipated, due to stairs, and a freight elevator on the other side of the world for all intents and purposes. 6.5 hours after we started, the men cleared out, and we were left walking through a sea of boxes. I do have to say we did fairly good in keeping the boxes in their respective rooms though. We did manage to leave a small walkway through the apartment. We stayed up quite late unpacking and got the bathroom and part of the kitchen done before making the bed and literally collapsing in it.
Saturday I woke with the most horrendous pain in my right neck. Turns out I was so tired I fell alseep on my right shoulder, and stayed in that position, all night long. Not a good thing. In light of that and the packing we had done for two days straight, we decided Saturday, not Sunday would be our rest day.
Sunday my neck pain had gone from a pain in the neck to a pain in my collarbone and was steadily reaching forward into my upper arm. but no time for pain, must unpack! And unpack we did. All the dishes were washed, the second bedroom became more organized and finally when at 9pm I lifted a box and promptly dropped it (my arm literally gave out on me), I knew I was done.
It should be noted that I soaked each night in the most luxurious bathtub, in the hugest bathroom complete with a double vanity, and it was bliss.
Monday, I could not do too much. My arm, neck, and shoulder were ablaze with pain, so I slept. I dozed on the couch, did some laundry, finished the dishes and slept. I tried to be online but using the mouse hurts too much. So I rested.
All this went really well, today the pain isn't as bad, but it's still present. I have an underground parking spot (yay no more cleaning off snow!), and an INCREDIBLE view of the sunset. Being on the 4th floor we're just above the treeline so it is an amazing sight to see! As soon as I find my camera, I promise I will provide pictures.
~*~*~*~*~*~
And now for the medical news:
I noticed in my throat about a month ago now, a lump that wasn't going away. I had an appointment with my cardiologist for some heart related issues and I brought it up to her thinking it was an infection from something as benign as acid reflux. She said, it probably wasn't that because this was a swollen lymph node, not infected tissue. So I had to have more blood work done.
On Saturday, in the midst of relaxing in the early afternoon, I received a phone call from my doctor. My test results are back from my blood workup. My white blood cell count is high again and they want me to see an ENT (ear, nose, throat specialist) to have the lump looked at in detail. I will keep you posted (for those of you who wish to know) after I see my doctor for my second post op screening this thursday.
The hopes are high that this is just an infection or something due to stress. It would help if we all thought that :)
~*~*~*~*~*~
So now I'm back at work with 34 awaiting emails, not wanting to be here at all. I've already had my talk with S for the morning and thankfully she wont be in until after 10am. It might just be a good day after all ;)
Thanks to those who wished me well during the move. I'm glad to be moved, and hoping for smooth sailing ahead. :)
Be well everyone...You are a blessing to me everyday.
Muse
"Oh Crap! My first day back and I'm going to be late!"
And so began the usual routine of trying to squeeze a few extra minutes in, when you have none to spare.
I am so tired. I am so sore. But I am moved into a new place that has the feel of a luxury resort. Life is good.
Friday, the move went longer than anticipated, due to stairs, and a freight elevator on the other side of the world for all intents and purposes. 6.5 hours after we started, the men cleared out, and we were left walking through a sea of boxes. I do have to say we did fairly good in keeping the boxes in their respective rooms though. We did manage to leave a small walkway through the apartment. We stayed up quite late unpacking and got the bathroom and part of the kitchen done before making the bed and literally collapsing in it.
Saturday I woke with the most horrendous pain in my right neck. Turns out I was so tired I fell alseep on my right shoulder, and stayed in that position, all night long. Not a good thing. In light of that and the packing we had done for two days straight, we decided Saturday, not Sunday would be our rest day.
Sunday my neck pain had gone from a pain in the neck to a pain in my collarbone and was steadily reaching forward into my upper arm. but no time for pain, must unpack! And unpack we did. All the dishes were washed, the second bedroom became more organized and finally when at 9pm I lifted a box and promptly dropped it (my arm literally gave out on me), I knew I was done.
It should be noted that I soaked each night in the most luxurious bathtub, in the hugest bathroom complete with a double vanity, and it was bliss.
Monday, I could not do too much. My arm, neck, and shoulder were ablaze with pain, so I slept. I dozed on the couch, did some laundry, finished the dishes and slept. I tried to be online but using the mouse hurts too much. So I rested.
All this went really well, today the pain isn't as bad, but it's still present. I have an underground parking spot (yay no more cleaning off snow!), and an INCREDIBLE view of the sunset. Being on the 4th floor we're just above the treeline so it is an amazing sight to see! As soon as I find my camera, I promise I will provide pictures.
~*~*~*~*~*~
And now for the medical news:
I noticed in my throat about a month ago now, a lump that wasn't going away. I had an appointment with my cardiologist for some heart related issues and I brought it up to her thinking it was an infection from something as benign as acid reflux. She said, it probably wasn't that because this was a swollen lymph node, not infected tissue. So I had to have more blood work done.
On Saturday, in the midst of relaxing in the early afternoon, I received a phone call from my doctor. My test results are back from my blood workup. My white blood cell count is high again and they want me to see an ENT (ear, nose, throat specialist) to have the lump looked at in detail. I will keep you posted (for those of you who wish to know) after I see my doctor for my second post op screening this thursday.
The hopes are high that this is just an infection or something due to stress. It would help if we all thought that :)
~*~*~*~*~*~
So now I'm back at work with 34 awaiting emails, not wanting to be here at all. I've already had my talk with S for the morning and thankfully she wont be in until after 10am. It might just be a good day after all ;)
Thanks to those who wished me well during the move. I'm glad to be moved, and hoping for smooth sailing ahead. :)
Be well everyone...You are a blessing to me everyday.
Muse
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Find your inner Paul Potts
I happened to have some time on my hands today at work. I'm getting ready for a move, have so much to do and yet at work I've returned to the boring every day. It's like time stops for me while at work (which may not be such a good thing).
It turns out today it WAS a good thing. In the midst of doing, well absolutely nothing, I turned to the internet for time relief. I went to a few places I normally do, before hitting MSNBC.com. I read through as much drama, death, war, that I could stand and finally turned to the entertainment section.
And there I saw it.
Media these days is all about all the information all the time, all upfront. In some ways that's good, in others it's bad. It makes for a very long day when all you hear is how the world is suffering throughout. It's hard sometimes to find a good story, let alone an inspirational one.
I read this story, and thought, oh I see, another article intending to make fun of someone who pursued their heart. But I was wrong, I'm happy to admit that... I was wrong.
So take a looksee at the article linked here. Lets celebrate inspirational journalism today. And even if it doesn't "move" you, then lets breathe a sigh of relief that there is something... somewhere... in this world that is NICE.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19291117/
It turns out today it WAS a good thing. In the midst of doing, well absolutely nothing, I turned to the internet for time relief. I went to a few places I normally do, before hitting MSNBC.com. I read through as much drama, death, war, that I could stand and finally turned to the entertainment section.
And there I saw it.
Media these days is all about all the information all the time, all upfront. In some ways that's good, in others it's bad. It makes for a very long day when all you hear is how the world is suffering throughout. It's hard sometimes to find a good story, let alone an inspirational one.
I read this story, and thought, oh I see, another article intending to make fun of someone who pursued their heart. But I was wrong, I'm happy to admit that... I was wrong.
So take a looksee at the article linked here. Lets celebrate inspirational journalism today. And even if it doesn't "move" you, then lets breathe a sigh of relief that there is something... somewhere... in this world that is NICE.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19291117/
Secrets
Secrets carried through smoke filled rooms
Glide above our knowledge
The moon hangs suspended
Smiling, knowing all
And strangers though we are, we begin to dance.
Whisked away on a breeze unannounced
While clouds carry on indifferent
Drinks rattle, liquid swirls
The bar speaks volumes of nothing
And we carry on unaware, holding onto our secret.
Truth in the lies that are spoken
Lies in the truths that are whispered
Does anyone know the real story?
Music pounds, bass shatters the words
And we arrive closer, our dance becoming fire.
Pushing closer our bodies intertwine
Secrets captured in our heat
Frozen in the space between our hearts
And the dance plays out
And we are master artists, painting a picture of oblivion.
In a glance our eyes lock
The smoke wafts around us
Words felt in a single overheard whisper
We shake, our climactic dance at its peak
And we sigh, we sigh, we wish for more.
A nod, a smile and we agree silently
To return to blissful denial for just one more moment.
Ice clinks in glasses slowly warming
Laughter springs abundantly from a far away world
And we reluctantly realize the completion has passed.
We are in a world of secrets, of lovers, of indifference
Without warning our dance completes
We go back to our private cup of loneliness...apart
And begin watching the smoke in the room,
Hoping it heralds the next secret.
©SKW
Glide above our knowledge
The moon hangs suspended
Smiling, knowing all
And strangers though we are, we begin to dance.
Whisked away on a breeze unannounced
While clouds carry on indifferent
Drinks rattle, liquid swirls
The bar speaks volumes of nothing
And we carry on unaware, holding onto our secret.
Truth in the lies that are spoken
Lies in the truths that are whispered
Does anyone know the real story?
Music pounds, bass shatters the words
And we arrive closer, our dance becoming fire.
Pushing closer our bodies intertwine
Secrets captured in our heat
Frozen in the space between our hearts
And the dance plays out
And we are master artists, painting a picture of oblivion.
In a glance our eyes lock
The smoke wafts around us
Words felt in a single overheard whisper
We shake, our climactic dance at its peak
And we sigh, we sigh, we wish for more.
A nod, a smile and we agree silently
To return to blissful denial for just one more moment.
Ice clinks in glasses slowly warming
Laughter springs abundantly from a far away world
And we reluctantly realize the completion has passed.
We are in a world of secrets, of lovers, of indifference
Without warning our dance completes
We go back to our private cup of loneliness...apart
And begin watching the smoke in the room,
Hoping it heralds the next secret.
©SKW
~*~*~*~
I have no idea where this came from tonight. I was watching some smoke against the night sky, the first two lines began repeating in my head... I sat down and out this came. I think it's pretty good. what do you think?
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Vacation Memories
My hand gripped the door handle and all I could think of was “I’m on vacation!” The trip had begun without a hitch thus far as we sat in the car driving (rocketing :P) towards our destination 7 hours away.
Then the bomb fell (insert dramatic music here). Google man turned to look at me and said these dreaded words “You need to navigate”.
“What? You DO know who you’re talking to right?”
So yours truly, directionally challenged and all, got a quick cliff notes version on how to read a map folks. That’s it, hell has truly frozen over, the muse provided directions (good ones at that)! Well, short of that small bump in the road in the beginning, our drive was smooth.
7 hours later we arrived in the sleepy little cabin area that is called “Tall Pines Resort”. Dotted all over the lakefront area are these cabins, (two bedrooms, small kitchen area, and living room) and docks everywhere. Immediately one takes in the forgotten sounds of nature; frogs in the afternoon heat, birds of all kind chatting to each other, crickets etc.
Stepping onto the deck of the cabin we were to stay in, it took me a few moments to adjust to the heat. But once I did, I sat down and immediately all the tension I felt over health worries, moving, money, literally just drained right out of me. How could it have stayed?
We met some really down to earth & funny people. We had so much fun on the pontoon boat (especially after I made Google man swear he wasn’t going to kill me with his driving on the boat! I swore I would haunt his family if he killed me :P)
But it wasn’t really until I was on the boat standing at the front watching the open lake, smelling the air as it whipped through my hair, and feeling the splash of the water against my skin, that I felt completely at home. With my Ipod firmly attached, Enya took the perfect opportunity to play “Water Shows the Hidden Heart” and it was a ride of pure bliss. The music, the air, the eagles, the water; I very nearly cried with happiness.
Bits of poetry came to mind, images sprang to life as they began to paint themselves in my memory & I soaked all I could in, so I could archive every second of it in my hall of “great moments lived”. I learned right there, what it was to be living in the moment, the lesson I had been striving to learn for some time.
And so I did live in the moment...
Packing seemed so far away, health concerns were non existent, and the child in me came out to play. It was a glorious time, one I shall never forget, and definitely EXACTLY what the Dr. Ordered for me…
(pics below)
I am so blessed for the experience I had, the company I kept, the peace I felt. Just as you, are a blessing to me as well…everyday.
Be well friends.
Then the bomb fell (insert dramatic music here). Google man turned to look at me and said these dreaded words “You need to navigate”.
“What? You DO know who you’re talking to right?”
So yours truly, directionally challenged and all, got a quick cliff notes version on how to read a map folks. That’s it, hell has truly frozen over, the muse provided directions (good ones at that)! Well, short of that small bump in the road in the beginning, our drive was smooth.
7 hours later we arrived in the sleepy little cabin area that is called “Tall Pines Resort”. Dotted all over the lakefront area are these cabins, (two bedrooms, small kitchen area, and living room) and docks everywhere. Immediately one takes in the forgotten sounds of nature; frogs in the afternoon heat, birds of all kind chatting to each other, crickets etc.
Stepping onto the deck of the cabin we were to stay in, it took me a few moments to adjust to the heat. But once I did, I sat down and immediately all the tension I felt over health worries, moving, money, literally just drained right out of me. How could it have stayed?
We met some really down to earth & funny people. We had so much fun on the pontoon boat (especially after I made Google man swear he wasn’t going to kill me with his driving on the boat! I swore I would haunt his family if he killed me :P)
But it wasn’t really until I was on the boat standing at the front watching the open lake, smelling the air as it whipped through my hair, and feeling the splash of the water against my skin, that I felt completely at home. With my Ipod firmly attached, Enya took the perfect opportunity to play “Water Shows the Hidden Heart” and it was a ride of pure bliss. The music, the air, the eagles, the water; I very nearly cried with happiness.
Bits of poetry came to mind, images sprang to life as they began to paint themselves in my memory & I soaked all I could in, so I could archive every second of it in my hall of “great moments lived”. I learned right there, what it was to be living in the moment, the lesson I had been striving to learn for some time.
And so I did live in the moment...
Packing seemed so far away, health concerns were non existent, and the child in me came out to play. It was a glorious time, one I shall never forget, and definitely EXACTLY what the Dr. Ordered for me…
(pics below)
I am so blessed for the experience I had, the company I kept, the peace I felt. Just as you, are a blessing to me as well…everyday.
Be well friends.
Rock Formations line the highway as we drive on....
Signs of the country abound...
Almost there!
At last, 7 hours later we reach our destination...
The moon makes her presence known early into the night...
Greenery, Nature, Loving it!
Heading out of the dock, on the pontoon boat, a water lily floats nearby...
Houses flank the shore, summer home delight!
Talk about a peaceful place to rest!
Amazing treeline!
Sparkling, like diamonds, the water is soooo inviting...
So close you could just touch it....(And I did! I swam in it :P)
Back on land, the flowers stand tall... 
Look closely! do you see the frog?
Dragonflies are everywhere!
Sometimes they even darted close enough that I could take their picture...
The most majestic, regal bird I have ever seen, the Bald Eagle. (Sorry it's not a better shot, he never really got too close, though I got to see him close with binoculars... It took my breath away)
Second attempt to take his picture, better, but not the best...
The approaching sunset kisses the water in the sleepy little resort area...I didn't want to leave
And on our way home, we are greeted by a sunburst with gorgeous long rays. The sun stretches her arms far, and warmth reaches all.
Hope you enjoyed the pics!
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