Sun - for Deb Loughlin

Today is a mixed emotions day. 

I know a wonderful man.  I used to work for him.  His name is Marty.  He has a beautiful family: a wife, and wonderful kids.  4 years ago, his wife was diagnosed with cancer.  He became her advocate.  Then when their son was also diagnosed with cancer, he became their champion. Together as a family, they fought bravely and passionately.  They grew in their faith, their bond deepening. 

I knew Deb through Marty. I knew her to be full of smiles and joy. I knew her love for her family was never ending and her faith abundant. 

Today, she left this world.

The news caught me at work. I never thought that this day would come with her passion, fighting, and faith. So the news had me reeling. I was left very sad for Marty and his family, who, even despite this profound loss, are posting of the joy she was in their lives. Their testament is beautiful to witness. 

Today I cry sad tears for the immense loss the world suffers. To know a woman like Deb even vicariously is to know sheer and utter joy. To miss that joy leaves an infinite well of sadness I can't quite explain.  But I know that her words touched me.  Her light, smiles, faith, willingness to fight, and grace through such hardship touched me. The human spirit is tenacious and the heart limitless.  

I never had the pleasure of being her friend or knowing her deeply like others, but I mourn the loss of her light.  The world would be far better if people lived and loved like this family.

Some of you know I do Virtual Theater.  The Golden Touch has been my safety and comfort in a very harsh world. Through my work here and with charitable organizations like Relay for Life, I've learned what it means to love with no limits. This is a lesson Deb shared with me through her words, through Marty, and through her joy. She touched me without ever seeing me, and I am forever blessed for having known her.

My prayers and love to her family, friends, extended friends, and strangers united through her.  We are all connected.  

She finally got to be on her beach

I finally got the nerve today to visit the American Cancer Society's place in Second Life. I had several times wanted to visit, but was too afraid. In visiting I stumbled upon the Memorial Gardens.

I was scared to be there, I had a horrible day at work; my emotions were already threatening to overwhelm me. But there, two people stood. I spoke to them briefly and discovered that one of them was the creator of the lovely place and a cancer survivor as well.

For so long I had thought that somehow maybe because I wasn't near death with my cancer, or invaded by chemotherapy for years that somehow my cancer wasn't as severe. No matter how it affects you Cancer of any kind is severe. It is brutal, non discriminatory, and painful mentally, physically and emotionally to so many.

In talking with this person, I had asked timidly what I needed to do to add a memorial for someone. He was so kind, he let me add one that very moment for her. When he asked me where I would want to place it, without a moments hesitation I said "Somewhere on the beach?"

He immediately put a picture I hastily gave him nestled between some palm trees facing the bluest ocean. The tears began to flow freely as I stood there and just stared at this lovely tribute to the woman who changed my life so much. I began to feel all the old fears of my cancer, the sadness at losing her just two years before mine. I began to feel the sadness from the days events, the stress from work and a torrent of tears broke through my walls.

But somewhere among the deluge of depression, sadness, and pangs of longing, was one emotion that is always there somehow, God only knows how...

Love.

I loved this woman I never met. I loved the doctors who before my surgery hadn't laid eyes on me before but took care of me. I loved this woman's fiancee that I had never met. I loved both of their families for providing me one of the highest points of my life as they thanked me for doing a radio show devoted to her... these people who didn't even know what Yahoo instant messenger was, learned that night how to type "Thank you for loving our daughter" as I did a broadcast in her honor when she was in a coma they weren't sure she'd come out of (she did). I loved all those who supported me through my cancer including this woman's fiancee who was still wounded from the loss of his love, but able enough to reach out and help me.

Even as I write this, the tears are still flowing, as I sit here by her memorial I can't stop them. But as all the sadness of the day, fears and stresses begin to depart I feel her there beside me in my heart. And strangely as I cry, I am comforted. I am sad and filled with the longing of her words. But I am comforted. And I know soon the tears will stop and tomorrow will be a better day for having had them.

So I look to tomorrow, and send out love to the many survivors, and loved ones who have fought bravely but not survived. I send love out because I am hurting and because I know only that will make me feel better. I send love out because it's who I am and in doing so, I feel her nearby. The woman who's sanctuary was a beach and finally in the virtual world has found a home again near me.

In warm memories and with much love I remember you.

Jessie Smith 1976-2004

And thank you to those two in Second Life, who gave me the most insightful words of the evening.

H.M.: some of us have to go to remind those left behind how precious we all are
H.M: if you do nothing more than that than your life is an accomplishment

Profound words my friend, indeed.

When staying alive means...

I have a war that I wage on myself daily over money, life, living in the moment, trying to be stress free… I find that I get angered easily as I battle these emotions and even more so when I read something like this today.

What more do people need to hear to realize this is a HUGE problem that is only going to get worse? Please read, share your thoughts… But be aware; especially when it comes time to choose someone who’s supposedly going to fix it.

Our health is priority, without us there is no voting body, without our voice, finances etc, there is no support. This should be among the top 10 issues discussed by those who say they will make a difference for us, with us. And if it’s not, then choose differently. This is not a lesser of two evils argument (i.e. Well they feel like I do about x, y, z, so I guess I can let this issue slide). It must be addressed, and resolved or at least on a path towards resolution. Many of us are dying (physically, financially, and emotionally) because it’s not at the forefront of people’s minds.

Help each other live.

When staying alive means…

Social butterfly! (and no cancer, again!) I'm on a roll!

Tonight I’ll be doing something I’ve not done before… I’ll be going to comedy improv! This week has been a good busy week full of friends, game, events, and visits.

Tuesday I went and saw the concert with the top 10 American Idols. It was very nice! I didn’t particularly care for Sanjaya, but that’s because I do not think he can sing that well. He would be good in a small lounge, or something of that nature. However everyone else did AWESOME. And as an extra bonus I got to see Gina Glockson get engaged! It was so romantic. I have to admit I feel a certain kinship being that she is from my city too, but still it was such a wonderful thing to witness right there in front of me! What joy to share in such a blessed event!

Then Thursday I hosted an event in game that went very well. It took a lot of planning to create and host a faire in an environment with rules and limits, but it went very well and I think everyone had a blast.

Then tonight I’m going to see Joe Rogan. I’ve only seen him as the host of Fear Factor, but apparently he’s a very good humor man. We shall see ;) I’m pretty hard to impress in the comedy department, but even if the comedy isn’t stellar, hanging out with friends and having fun will be WONDERFUL.

Then tomorrow, I’m hanging out with a group of wonderful, inspirational women for a day of laughter, lunch, dinner, new age shopping, etc. It’s good soul food in abundance! I am so excited for this day.

I’ve been doing my meditations as well now. Admittedly I haven’t done as many as I should, but I have been better and it’s wonderful. The story I posted previously in my blog is an example of the visions I sometimes receive while meditating. I don’t know whether it’s just because I am very good at visualizations or if it’s a message I’m meant to listen to. I’ve been approaching it as the latter, and have been trying to work hard on my internal library of things… It feels good to be relaxed even when busy, stable even when emotions are all over the place, and happy even during the storm of life as it currently may be at times.

Oh and the best news of the day/week, my second Post Op screening for cancer came back NEGATIVE! Yay! I’m starting to feel a little less scared of the tests now. It’s nice to not have that worry about appointments as much as I used to have.

I could write so much more, but I think perhaps I’ll let things set for a while here ;) Have a wonderful day folks!

Muse

Be The Change (Courtesy of Daily Good):Add a touch of beauty to a neglected corner of your world.
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WELL WISHES
I wish for happiness for you today. Fridays always have that little spark of joy as the weekend (for some of us) approaches. May you find your spark of joy no matter if today is the start of your weekend or the beginning of your week; may joy find you and light upon your heart for a while.

You are a blessing to me everyday
XO



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AND REMEMBER

A story of inspiration for you today, courtesy of Daily Good

Doubts & Stress & Decisions... Oh my!

Lately I have had cause to wonder why I had the surgery last year. Now the minute I have thoughts like that I know; I need to change something FAST. Because I'll tell you why I had the surgery: "Because my life is worth saving".

My life lately (seems since last year) has been one rush or another. Starting with the vacuum of silence that penetrated everything as I was diagnosed, to the onslaught of painful noise when stress, life, and dealing with it all began (and continues) to assault my ears.

Something needs to give when I start to think thoughts like that, for even one SECOND.

I have some hard decisions in front of me. Recurring medical issues and bills threaten the tenuous balance I have on my finances daily and I'm not complaining or whining, simply stating a fact. This is one of my biggest stresses.

My job gets no better, and for each day I have to take off for a medical appointment I lose pay. My boss who was asked by her partner here to look into insurance because he knew I would need it, has decided that she wont (for whatever reason). So in the end I must go. This is another of my biggest stresses and one of my daily struggles as getting up to go to this job gets harder and harder each day.

Some stresses were removed; the move is done and I'm settling in, and now the quietness of normalcy in some ways is setting in. This is a welcome relief, but there are other things as well going on that were not planned (though on the big scale they are small in comparison).

I've sat in depression a few times over these stresses, cried some about it, and yet today seem to have a clearer head about it all.

I was stressing about having to file bankruptcy. I've worked so hard since my divorce to get my credit to a good place. My efforts paid off with my credit rating being higher than 30% of the general public. And thanks to some very generous people who helped during my cancer, my credit didn't slip because the bills were paid on time. But I cannot rely on others to fix this. I have a choice, I can choose to be sad about it or do something about it. I'm here for a reason, and it's not to sit in stress or wallow in tears over things.

I'm 85% convinced that bankruptcy is the way to go (I do not see any other option really...) And when I was sad about it, I remembered what someone said to me (I can't even remember who): "You do what you have to do, your life is worth everything".

I understand. Tomorrow I may be sad as my emotions wax and wane & over time I may lose sight of that statement. But where it counts truly, deeply I understand.

Muse
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WELL WISHES
Today may you have clear sight to your goals & dreams. No matter how far away they seem or how out of your grasp, the fact that they are there makes them worth the journey.

You are a blessing to me everday.
XO

Vacation; Reconnecting with Serenity

"The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it." -- Richard Bach.

"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others." -- Peace Pilgrim

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." -- Agnes Repplier.

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Vacation!

That’s a word I’m not familiar with at all :P Yes, your very own muse is taking her first vacation since 1995. I’m going to be spending 4 wonderful days disconnected from everything in Wisconsin. No cell reception and no internet… I’m either going to die or be in heaven :P

I’m looking forward to swimming, sleeping, reading, writing, taking pictures, getting on my first pontoon boat ever, more reading, watching sunrises and sunsets, good company, writing, swimming… not necessarily in that order; oh and getting grounded again! No better way to do that than in the presence of nature :)

This vacation comes right on the heels of a very stressful time for me. Right now as of this moment I have (not including today) 7 days to finish packing my house and then I move. I’ve been attempting to throw out more than I am boxing, and I’ve been doing well (having already filled up the dumpster once :P). This time, unlike last year when I cleaned, I’m getting rid of any shred of left over from my marriage. It’s time now, to officially say goodbye to that past and I’ve done so in leaps and bounds lately.

I’m going back for my second post op screening to make sure there is no more cancer for me (July 12th) and I’m hoping for the same news as last time, all good! Things should work out well, but keep your fingers crossed just in case.

I’ve been having a bit of heart troubles lately, but even though I’m seeing my cardiologist today, I believe it’s just stress and am hoping that this 4 day vacation will rejuvenate and reground me. I need that, my life has been on a roller coaster ride since last July.

I have to say I’ve been horrible though lately at reading people’s blogs. I’ll get there, it’s just that for the first time in a LONG time, I’m very busy; and as of late I’ve been swamped! I’m looking forward to catching up especially when I move into the new place and get settled.

Thank you for continually checking back with me folks, I’m glad to see you

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WELL WISHES

May you find peace, be grounded, smile a lot, cry only a little, and realize at the end of the day that you are special, loved, and cherished by at least one person.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

Memories From a Not So Distant Place

I received an email today from someone who hadn’t been aware of my cancer and surgery. It’s funny, after all this time (having my first successful post op with no cancer in January)I kind of felt removed from the whole thing as time has moved on. And yet at the receipt of this email the emotions all came back and as I thought about it, I realized; for the last few days thoughts of this nature had already been on my mind.

I was reflecting yesterday on my drive home from work, about how this time last year I was starting to feel really sick and had no clue what was wrong. This time last year (April) I had been rushed to the ER due to loss of blood where I was diagnosed as Anemic...That’s all. I saw this while I was driving kind of like a hologram of images in front of my windshield. And it made me pause and think wow; it’s been a hell of a year.

I find now, that after it’s all said and done and even though I’ve not dealt with it all, that now the past is starting to get fuzzy. The fear and panic I felt at hearing the doctor say the word “cancer” are a memory shared in whispers among those who were the first to find out as I sobbed on the phone to them uncontrollably.

I remembered last night as I was falling asleep the day I went to the doctor and “signed my first born away”. And there were no tears; not that there wasn’t sadness, there was. There was immense sadness, but no tears. I remembered the “Letter to my unborn child”, that came out of nowhere surprising even me with its depth and existence. And finally I went after I couldn’t hold back the apparent flood of memories anymore and re-read my fervent prayer where I laid my heart out bare for all online to see.

THEN the tears came and they washed over me with no less intensity than that of a wave angrily crashing against the unaware shore, washing all the sand, rocks and pebbles away in one fell swoop. After a time when the tears stopped, turning into sniffles, shudders, and the occasional constant yawns of sleep approaching instead; I went to bed and dreamt of nothing, but slept.

But then morning came and life like it always does, gently caressed my mind and sight making the memories look foggy again so I could go about my day. Now, I sit at my desk again the thoughts creeping in quietly, reminding me of the things I should never forget.

1. I had cancer
2. I survived cancer
3. My cancer is not trivial just because I didn’t have chemo and radiation
4. I’m going to be sad on occasion, reflective more than not, and get lost on the path of memories more than I think
5. I’m still very afraid that it will return
6. Cancer is a HORRIBLE experience to go through regardless of the level at which you have it.
7. That many people suffer this (even ongoing) and I have big hugs for them.
8. It’s ok for me to be sad
9. The loss of my internal female organs, is just as traumatic a loss as that felt in any other way.
10. It's ok to acknowledge that just because I’m cured doesn’t mean I didn’t go through a traumatic experience. I don’t have to feel like nothing happened just because it’s “over”.
11. That I should always remember the way I felt so I can support anyone else who ever needs it.
12. That little things will always make me remember when I least expect it, and that’s ok too.
13. That I’m ok, and so are my thoughts and emotions regardless of what or where people think I should be in my path of self/mind restoration.

There is no real point to this post other than acknowledging the past, recognizing that it has interrupted my day, and letting it go so I can continue to move on.

It’s harder than you think, and yet there is peace to be found when you do it.

“…send your angels to hold my hand. Just let them hold my hand.” Prayer from a Muse.

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To anyone reading this, known or not; You are a blessing to me everyday, more so than you can know.

The truth about the post...

I know I promised a personal post. I know I promised myself I would write it. And I started to… I really did.

For the most part this blog has been my place to post my thoughts and I have done so with some very personal things. I have boldly stepped into the realm of public display of my life and done so with very little fear for the most part.

But this one is just too personal, at least right now. Suffice to say it’s an exercise in putting my past demons to rest and wrestling with current issues. And I think the past should be put to rest, and the things thought of and concluded, but privately. So while I will not share this with you all, I hope you’ll forgive me, but respect my decision.

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In other news, life has suddenly become very busy. I’ve been offline more than on and it’s nice for a change. There are so many things I could write about. Indeed many times throughout the week I’ve thought, “Oh! There’s a blog post right there!” But when I sit in front of the machine despite having some inspiration, more often than not the page stays white, empty, and the cursor blinks at me begging me to type… but I am without words.

As a nearly final update in the saga of the cancer that appeared in my life months ago, I am finally returning back to the office on March 12th. I’m sure most of you know how I feel about that. Prospects for a new position are dim right now and my motivation is lacking too.

Can I just say right now, that I hate menopause? I HATE it. I’ve tried to learn to live with it, let it share my space but I can’t stand it. The sweats, the mood swings, the fears, the changes. I continually have to come to grips with it and more often than not, I take with just barely quiet resignation that I just wont be rid of it for many years. But while I take it, it doesn’t mean I have to like it. In fact, to reiterate…I HATE it.

Blah blah blah. I’ll stop now. I’ll be back soon.

***EDIT***
Tell me the hairs don't stand up on your neck when you read my horoscope from yesterday. (And before you blast me with the "validity" of horoscopes etc, realize i don't USUALLY give them much weight... but just read, and you'll see why this freaked me out...)

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Although you might feel hung up on matters at work or even to do with your health, these problems will pass. They might have occurred last August, and they will come to a head again in June/July. But after that, they'll be gone for 36 years. Courage!

Date of Diagnosis: August 28, 2006
Next post Op Appointment: July 2007

This JUST IN!

I got my first post op test results back today. It's official! I'm cancer free!!!!!

What a day to celebrate!

Thank you so much for your prayers and support. It has meant so much to me!

XOXOXOXO

Muse

Tuesday begins; Small update

"Here is a mental treatment guaranteed to cure every ill that flesh is heir to: sit for half an hour every night and mentally forgive everyone against whom you have any ill will or antipathy." ~Charles Fillmore

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Today's quote bears no resemblance to current events in my life, but it is a good one; one that many should heed as relevant.

As for me, today I'm posting that for three days short of one or two hiccups, my fever has been 99.9 or under! This is great news! I still have to see the infectious disease specialist, and I'm still waiting on my first post op screening results, but the reduction of my fever is a good thing in many ways.

I find that I'm bored a lot lately. Before the surgery, and even before that when i started to get really sick, I had no energy. I couldn't go anywhere because I was afraid of the things that "might" happen while I was out, that were beyond my control. Now after the surgery, I find that most nights I tend to go out on my balcony a lot. I do have menopausal sweats, so I go out a lot to cool off, but I also go out a lot because I have nothing to do.

The things that appealed to me before (gaming) do not appeal to me as much as they used to. Sure, they're fun, but they're back in their right perspective; a game, not life. I have such drive to continue on the course I see before me (school and such) and I have so many dreams of things I want to do. But I'm severely limited right now. Money is extremely tight (I'm still having to rely on others because of my change in work; salaried versus hourly pay) and almost anything I want to do to get started, even that first step... requires money.

I've also noticed aside from some noticeable mood swings, (Thank GOD for St. John's Wort, it truly helps me out) I've started to develop a relatively short fuse when it comes to people who annoy me. By that, I mean people I’ve had conversations with who insist upon doing the very things I've asked them not to do(like for instance, messaging me with *Huggles* repeatedly). Before, I would restrain myself and would ask them AGAIN to stop doing whatever it was that bothered me. I would still be kind and diplomatic. Now, I just find that my temper gets the best of me with respect to this more often than not. Menopause? Or standing up for myself? You decide...

I can be compassionate and full of love, don't get me wrong; but I do not need to be a doormat for people either, just because I am open and loving.

There are two bad side affects to being bored.

1. I continue to walk into the kitchen thinking I'm going to eat to stave off the boredom. And even though for the most part I’m successful as pushing this off, I must find a way to change this and soon. I've kind of hit a plateau at 30 pounds lost (so far, I haven't weighed myself today) and I have so very much more to go.

2. The frustration at not having anything to do makes me insane (lol!). Hence the emergence of the ATC's again, trying to write, etc.

Overall, today is starting as a kind of blah day. Not much going on, I'm a bit tired, my fever is low but my skin is warm to the touch, I have very little work to do, a lot of house cleaning to do, and not any fun stuff to do (not that immediately comes to mind; not until people get home from work etc).

But despite the blah day today, in some small way...I am content. I have a roof over my head, food if I want it, people I can call, strangers (& friends) who look forward to reading what I write, a job that gives me "some" money, and…

I have my life.

So whatever about this blah Tuesday, but I remain in thanks regardless for the continuation of my life.

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WELL WISHES
Today I watch the snow melt under the heat of the sun and I'm reminded that even though times can be cold, the sun always comes back to warm things up. I wish for the sun to warm you up today wherever you are. May the day even if it's a "blah" day, still give you the sweet caress of a breeze on your skin, the cold scent of the season, or the warm reminder that life is beautiful, as are you.

You are a blessing to me everyday

XO
Muse

Update

Feel like Christ and you will be a Christ; feel like Buddha and you will be a Buddha. It is feeling that is the life, the strength, the vitality, without which no amount of intellectual activity can reach God.--Swami Vivekananda

It's so clear that you have to cherish everyone. I think that's what I get from these older black women, that every soul is to be cherished, that every flower is to bloom.—Alice Walker

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I had my first post operative appointment today. It went well :) I lost 5 more pounds (yay!) and the incision which is now the size of one half of my pinkie nail, is closing/healing nicely. I wont have the results from the test they did today for about a week, but overall the doctor thinks it will be fine. They do not expect any return of the cancer. So keep your fingers crossed for that :)

I still do have fevers though. Although today when I was at the doctors they took my temp and I was 98.9 for the first time in over a month! I took my temperature when I got home and it had climbed again to 99.9, but that's still lower than it's been in a while. I have to take my temperature everyday multiple times to track the highs and lows of these fevers. I've increased my water intake (though not completely to 64oz per day as doctor ordered) by far. I've also started my herbal remedy of supplements etc again. Overall I feel ok, except for on occasion when I'm achy.

I'm tired a lot. Yesterday due to all the emotional upsets and other things that continued on into the night, I barely made it through 4pm work quitting time. Then after that I fell asleep for a good 4 hours or more. When I did get up around 8, I was only up for a short time and when I fell back asleep I slept until 6am (nearly 7:30 by the time I actually got up!). I'm tired again already, but I want to make it to 5pm for work as my shortened schedule is already hurting in the financial arena.

I've been reading some good spiritual books (see my book list to the left) and I think this is a very positive thing. I just wish for these times of upset, frustration, and health issues to be gone. I'm ready to get back to my life (have been ready since November).

On a side note, the nurses at the Cancer Center made me feel exceptionally good today. Not only do they remember me, but they noticed my hair and remembered that I was going to cut it for Locks of Love. They said my hair looks so cute ;) It brought a smile to my face and that, is priceless to me.

For now, back to the work grind... Thank you for reading my thoughts and words. You are a blessing to me everyday.

Muse

Emotions, Updates, & Life

It has been a very emotional day. Some people like to get updates on my blog and while I try to do that, I try also to keep the emotional days away simply because well they can be... emotional. Today is one of those days.

I've not posted an update on how I feel physically in a while. I still have fevers every day ranging from at lowest 100.5 to as high as 102.7. I've had strep, had a bladder infection, been on antibiotics that only slightly lowered my white blood cell count, been through an entire blood work up of 10 vials of blood (4 of which were drawn from both arms and the vials were the size of a small drink container...think Red Bull size and shape), had a CT Scan, and seen three different doctors. And still no one knows what's wrong. I have to see an Infectious Disease Specialist to hopefully determine what's wrong with me. I can't see them until January 22nd, because they normally only see patients in the hospital. And because of this I've been working from home since I got this sick.

The amount of stress I deal with daily, and the amount of stress I hide from others daily can be rather large. I've tried to be quiet about it mainly because if I let myself talk about it, I can turn into a crying mess. Today however, I just couldn't keep it in.

The day started off with some issues from work. It feels to me, as if no matter what I do in my job for this company, I'm always held accountable for mistakes, some of which are not mine to have made. Some are related to the systems in place by the telephone provider we are authroized to work for. The day started off with about 16 of those types of emails. By the time I got through them all I was just crying.

I'm working very hard from home when I do have work, to ensure that it is obvious that having me work from home is a benefit to the company so I do not lose my job. After all, the surgery was three months ago and I should be fully recovered by now. And with the mistakes that are made, mine or not, a plausible case against my incompetence could be made and I could be fired. Do I think they will? probably not, but they could. I know I should focus on the positive and I do try, but when you get 16 incidences right in a row it's a bit hard to jump back up right away and refocus.

Then today I'm really not feeling well. I've weathered the storm of these fevers as best as possible but today I'm achy as well as feverish and because of all these issues I can't just go lay down. Work needs to be done and I need to be paid.

I promised myself I wouldn't go through all of the things that I just made my poor mother sit through as finally the damn of strength holding back tears for SO MANY things, broke. I thank her for sitting outside with me when it's bitterly cold out just so she could sit quietly with me while I got it under control again.

I know each day will come and I should take each one as it is. I've been much better at this, but sometimes like today when you're not feeling well to begin with and you have added stressers like money, job, feeling alone, it just gets to be too much. I know things will get better. I hope they do sooner rather than later, because on a day like today all I want to do is sleep and wake up in the future when whatever I have that is wrong with me is healed, when I don't have to worry about money so much so that I'm grinding my teeth, when I don't have to feel alone.

For the technical details for those who wish to keep track:

~I have my first post operative cancer screening and check up tomorrow
~January 22nd, I have an appointment with the infectious disease specialist to see what's wrong with me.
Beyond that, I have no clue.

Thanks for reading today. Even as sad as I may be, I still wish you to know that just by being here, being you, reading my words, giving validation to my life through your eyes; that you are a blessing to me. Today, I need that blessing of friendship, so thank you.

Muse

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DAILY INSPIRATION
This was added after my inital post, and is PERFECT for today's posting. Check it out, you just might agree: Energy to Spare; Knowing Your Limits

Celebration

There truly is nothing like meeting your goal. Here is one of mine that I've been quietly, steadily, working towards.

Time Walked: 32.30 minutes

Distance: 3/4 of a mile!!

Fat Grams Burned: 39!

Calories Burned: 124!

My goal was to get to 30 minutes. For the first time ever, I could make it without killing myself. I think today I will celebrate. Jamba Juice anyone? ;)

Hospitals & CT Scans & Warmth... oh ... my

Today I go to the hospital for a CT scan that will hopefully tell the doctors why i've had a fever for so long. They think it's probably due to an absess in my healed incision, (underneath it rather), that is giving me grief. Last night I had to drink 32oz of Barium. It's what the docs call "Contrast" in that it literally makes all my organs glow. This is so they can see any absesses clearly on the scans. Once they see an absess, they can determine how big it is and what should happen next. Either they'll do an outpatient drain which may or may not mean I would have some type of mechanism at home as well, or if it's really bad (and they do not think it is, and I'm hoping it's not this bad) they would admit me to the hospital. In fact, they are having me register tomorrow as a patient as a precautionary measure.

All this is scary...even tempered with the doctors thoughts that it's just a pocket of infection. And because of my fear, I've been a wreck today. This whole ordeal has me unnerved and things that I didn't deal with in regards to the entire surgery/cancer/process that I've gone through surfaced. I reflected on how I can't believe I had cancer. Or how I can't believe I survived thus far unmarred. Or how I can't believe it's gone (not disbelief mind you, but awe over the miracles of modern science...).

It's so easy to forget those things. Those very important things.

My hope tomorrow, is that I am not admitted to the hospital. I do not want to spend ANY holiday in the hospital let alone Christmas. When I thought of this today, I remembered Jessie. She went into the hospital near Christmas time in 2003. In March of 2004 she was released, but then in June of that same year she passed away.

I think about her a lot as I'm sure you all know. Her whole journey around this time was very difficult and I can only imagine even having experienced some of it in a small way through her, how she must have felt. And now while going through my own journey with respect to this, I still can't imagine what she went through, spending so much time in the hospital; but I do understand more.

Last night when I couldn't sleep, I said a few words to Jessie. I told her how wonderful Mark has been in helping me, being a shoulder for me when I needed to spill the most intimate details of my fears, misgivings and sharing with me my joys. I thanked her for being in my life and letting a relationship grow so strong between all of us, that even now years later it's just as strong as it were when she were alive to cultivate it. I pondered how she slept at night with this fear gnawing at her, or wondered if she ever had paranoia as I do about the smallest things.

I shared with her the fact that when the doctor's office called on Monday with no reason, that my heart literally jumped into my throat and I had flashbacks to the day I was told over the phone that I had cancer. I wondered if that fear will ever go away or just be numbed by time.

But most of all I reflected on how I didn't want to spend a holiday in the hospital and told her that in some small way I understood how she felt (NOTE: I am not demeaning her pain or experiences, just saying that on a small level, I understand more than I did before).

Now, I'm sitting here, typing away when I hadn't thought I had a single word to say. What I'm going to go through tomorrow is not terror filling as I would imagine Chemo to be or Radiation, but it is scary nonetheless. I feel calmer than I have in days and I like to think that my words shared with jessie were helpful in some way. In fact, I know they were because at some point tonight, sleep crept up on me and hugged me tightly, warmly, and accepted me in it's embrace. It wasn't the sleep of fear, but the sleep of gentle rest. Along with it came a feeling of calm and that's what I needed. I can only imagine how Jessie felt with her fears and what she was going through. But I know that I couldn't do this without her whispering at my ear, visiting me in my dreams and sending just the right people at just the right times, with just the right things to say to my side.

If my muse ever returns to me, I do have stories of things I've dreamt, letters i've composed and filed away under "incomplete" and short poems that I would share. But for now my muse remains silent under the weight of stress and daily life. She shares a silent cubicle with my voice who no longer sings (for many reasons) and together they work with my newly acquired coworker "Forced Menopause" who makes their silent life a living hell in the form of roller coaster emotion rides, sweats, and paranoia. But on occasion when I can finally empty out the negativity that wells up inside me, either through words to Jessie, conversations with Mark or various expressions with other people, the light shines through in the dark office building known as both my body and sometimes my heart.

Tonight, the light is soft, warm and inviting. And so I wanted to share that with you before sleep begged me to bed to give me dreams of a place I wish to be, with people I wish to be with, where there is no pain and no fear. I embrace sleep tonight, and as I do I find my thoughts turned to the readers of my blog. Even if you've stumbled upon this blog for the first time, I'm thinking of you too. And so in the fashion with which I *try* to live my life always, I wanted to send you all a wish:

I wish for you to have deep peaceful sleep tonight. I hope that you wake up calm, rejuvenated, able to smile, and ready to face your day. I hope and wish that this will make the start of your day better for you so you can make it better for someone else too. I wish that for all of you.

You are a blessing to me, everyday.

XO

(If I do get admitted updates will be posted here by the one you know as "Mr. Uber". Otherwise I'll post as soon as I'm able to.)

Rough Morning - *PURE RANT; Read at your own risk*

I'm sick to death of being sick. I'm angry at how sick I am. I'mtired of answering the "How are you?" question with, a litany of ailments. And no matter if I do not complain, it doesn't go away. I'm very angry right now.

I've had fevers since 12-8. They've been anywhere from 100 even to as high as 101.8. I've been to the doctor who has looked at my incision (which is healing), and said that there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the incision. I was diagnosed with a viral infection. I returned home, slept and woke up coughing and sneezing. AHA! Mystery solved, I have a cold. Friday last week I was off work AGAIN recuperating. This weekend I did go out but I was careful.

Then I get a call yesterday from the doctor. One of the final tests they made me take came back and showed that I have a colony of strep bacteria of something like that. I'm to be on antibiotics immediately.

Strep??? My god?! Ok so I realize it's not the end all of things I oculd go through right now, but it's certainly not a good thing!

Then I talk to the nurse this morning who informs me as humbly as possible (because she is well versed on my situation financially) that I absolutely without question MUST get a CT scan now. Despite the diagnosis of strep bacteria in my body (no I'm not contagious, I asked this morning), something is STILL wrong.

They think that there is a packet of infection under my healed scar. IF i have a CT scan and if they find a packet, it must be drained. Thankfully it's an outpatient procedure, but (and I dont know all the details yet) I will need MORE time off. I'll need at least one day for the blood workup and the CT scan, and I'll need at least one day for this outpatient procedure and if I have to continue to wear a drain of some sort (gross), I may need more days.

On top of that, now I'm afraid that something is really wrong. Cancer patients are more susceptible to illnesses due to a weakened immune system. Maybe I'm just jumping on the paranoia wagon here, but it seems I've been awfully sick lately.

I've already lost enough time as it is, I have no insurance and quite frankly if I have to ask for MORE time off, I'm not sure I'll have a job come the first of the year (which is really bad since no one has responded to my sent resumes).

I think I've done pretty good avoiding a rant post in a long time. I am sorry for this one today but I feel like talking to certain people locally is pointless because no matter what I say, what I feel is managed like you would talk to a child. I feel like no matter how I feel I'm told I'm feeling it wrong, or too much. Instead of listening, I get arguements. And I'm tired of those too, I'm tired of it all.

And for my own sake, I'll just note here that the nurse said she was surprised I was even working with my fevers. THERE! She said it, I didn't make it up, SHE said it. I'm NOT crazy, I'm NOT hallucinating these things, I'm NOT trying to avoid work, I dont want to lie about my fevers just to make people feel better. I'M SICK.

I might post later, for now accept my apology please...

7 Pounds lost; sunrise sets in; healing is on its way... :)

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom the emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause and stand wrapped in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed." ~Albert Einstein

Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. ~Helen Keller

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Good news!

I’VE LOST 7 POUNDS IN ONE WEEK! WOOHOO. This means that my total weight loss since before the surgery is 25 pounds!! That’s fabulous! 9-18-06 – 12-14-06, 25 pounds!

Bad news:

I’m sick still. The doctor did a lot of poking around today and told me that she thinks it’s viral. I have to watch my temperature for a few days and if I spike more than once, than I HAVE to have a CT Scan, there just is no way around it. When I got my temperature taken at the doctors office it was lower than it has been in 4 days, so this is a good sign. Pray I do not need a CT Scan, the cost is $800-$1000. But if necessary they will do one. Keep in mind if they DO perform a CT scan and find a pocket of infection they will need to open me up and get rid of it. I don’t know what that involves, but I’d rather not find out.

The thing that sucks in this is that I returned to work last week. Since my return I’ve missed one day last week due to my fall and two days thus far this week, due to my infection. Talk about feeling bad. Not that I have any love for them trust me, but I need income, and I need it now.

So for now, for today I’ll keep in mind the good news, that I’ve lost 7 pounds in one week, 25 pounds in three months and my energy level just keeps getting higher. This makes everything better.

And on a side note, because the appointment was so early this morning, I was blessed to see another lovely sunrise. My only regret was that I wished I had my camera so I could share it all with you. It was a lovely splash of corals, oranges, fire streaks of color and purple on a canvas that was spectacularly breathtaking to behold. I never really ever watched a sunrise before these past few months, so I’m grateful I’ve had the chance at 35 to enjoy what most people see regularly.

Have a wonderful day everyone!

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DAILY INSPIRATIONS

I was going through the archives of Digital Soup Online; the Blog, and found some very insightful things that I had at the time just slapped up there in my attempt to post regularly. You might want to take some time to check them out too, they’re a good read and might even make you smile ;)

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WELL WISHES

Today as I feel a bit more relaxed that at least at this point nothing is wrong inside me, I truly wish and hope to share with you that feeling of relaxation. May you find a moment in your day where time slows down, where the kids don’t scream, and where relaxation gently tugs at you reminding you it’s there to be had.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

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AND REMEMBER

There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub. ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Love, Love, Love

Thanks to Jules for the above post that I reference in my title. I have to admit, her earlier post Why I Love the holidays Part 2A - Christmas Song, was wonderful. It was simple, poignant, and truthful. The music in it is also very nice. Give it a read, share some love, make someone happy :)


Thanks Jules!
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I sit here tonight with a fever. It's somewhere near 100 (I only have one of those really old thermometers and I can't read it that well :P). I talked to the Doctor's nurse on the 12th and she told me if I have a fever I'm to call immediately. So tomorrow morning if I wake with it, I will be calling Loyola and likely visiting them tomorrow instead of being at work... *sigh*

I just want this to be over. I've had enough of the medical whatever, the infection, the blah blah blah. I've lost approximately 20 pounds since the surgery (after all is said and done) and my energy is through the roof. I find that I want to be moving, out and about, doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

I have lived in seclusion for about 3 years or so. Some by choice, some for the last year or so not so by choice (when I started to notice major problems with my body etc). So now, I have no social structure save for a very few close firends nearby. It's weird though, I have all this energy but being out in a group of new people scares me. I have NEVER been like that. Before all the depression set in from my marriage and whatever else, I was always out. I think perhaps I'm returning to that person?

We shall see what I do with all this energy, as soon as I finish this slow healing. I just relaly at this hour at night when sitting alone with my thoughts and Dave Matthews in the background whispering to me, want to get past this illness.

For now, that's all I have tonight. I'll try to post tomorrow unless the doctor's visit doesn't go too well. I hope you all have a wonderful evening. Let the night embrace you and the stars shine lighting the way to the dreams of your heart.

Much love to you all,
Muse

Lies, Deceit & the sound of trust being shattered...

I have always allowed fun to be a part of my everyday. Laugh at just about anything, try hard to not take everything so seriously (even though I sometimes fail at this). But there are a few things that I hold most sacred.

1. Marriage

2. Honesty

Among the few I have, those are the top.

I will never understand why it is that people are more comfortable lying than telling the truth? I debated about even posting this post tonight because it's so raw right now... but this is MY journal and MY place to be honest even in public.

I am hurt tonight. Deeply hurt. I trusted someone, I trusted many and now that person joins the ranks of those people who's stories of lies remain tucked away in my library. The binding of their books dusty but well read nonetheless. Their stories and their involvement with me revisited a hundred times in an effort to understand.

It's one thing to use the online world to lie to people. Many apparently do it with no attack of conscience. But to lie to someone's face?

I had mistakenly thought that my sheild of "Cancer" would hold the liars at bay for a short time while I got my feet back under me but I was apparently delusional.

I will be taking a break for a while. Could be a day could be longer, I dont know. For now, I need to really examine how much of myself I give to total strangers, even those who wear the guise of a friend; because short of the wonderful few (you know who you are), the world online and at large is mainly comprised of liars.

And yes, I know the world is like this, it's why whenever I see someone hurt another that I simply... cry.

It sucks, and tonight it hurts but maybe tomorrow will be better.

Tonight it really hurts to have uncovered this web of lies.

Muse Pics one month later....

Today is the first day I actually took the time to make myself presentable. I've been living in nightgowns, laying covered in pillows, and really staying in all manner of things that make me feel comfortable lately. Well today I have company coming over and so I must be presentable ;)

I took some pictures today. Exactly one month and a day after my surgery, I can look at these pictures and really feel that sense of being alive. It has taken a full month and some pictures where I can see my smile etc, to really see and appreciate that I am alive.

In celebration of that joy, I will share these pictures with you. They are webcam shots (as is my typical method of pictures) and believe it or not it's hard to take shots, pose, and chat too! Maybe my age is showing through since I can't multitask like I used to ;)

Anyway, I hope you enjoy them (there are a lot of them so be patient while the page loads)

The traditional eyes closed shot :P














My Mother got me some roses... Aren't they lovely!


They smell fantastic too!


The books I've published either as collaborative works or on my own. I'm proud of them.

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WELL WISHES

Today I wish you nothing more than pure celebration. Celebrate being alive, celebrate it being friday, celebrate fall, celebrate whatever you want but celebrate. Smile, and allow nothing to penetrate you celebration that can dampen it. I wish you the best of days today.

You are a blessing to me everyday
XO

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AND REMEMBER

A Picture is worth a thousand words ;)

Dreams, Nightmares, Thursday Update.

"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained." ~Marie Curie

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Self-Esteem Conditioning Game
By MindHabits from iVillage.com

MindHabits Booster is a groundbreaking psychological game that aspires to change the way we think. Developed by doctors at McGill University, it is based on the idea that positive thinking takes practice. Recent studies show games like this can help people undo negative thought patterns and form new, more positive ones. By playing for five minutes a day, you can learn to ignore hostility and improve your self-esteem.

Play now! See if you can find the friendly face in the crowd. (It's harder than you think!)

(I thought this was interesting and though perhaps you would all like to try this)

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Thanks to all of you for the wonderful comments in my blog the past few days. I’m glad you enjoy my return of posting again.

Another Thursday has gone by but this one is slightly different in that I do not have a doctor’s appointment. The doctor felt I was doing so well that my next appointment isn’t until next Thursday. This is a good thing.

I still have to remember that lying back more than sitting upright is better for me. Sitting upright for more than 3 hours max causes all sorts of problems for me.

I still suffer from horrendous nightmares too. Mostly I do not remember them, but I have remembered two of them, and one of them left me so shaken that at 2am central time I began calling friends to get some comfort because when I woke up I literally could not breathe. I’m hoping as Aussie_male said, that it’s just a side effect of the medicine. But if it’s not, boy my mind is working something serious out. I kid you not when I say these dreams are HORRIBLE. They involve great sadness, intense pain, and tremendous amounts of fear. Psychologically one could look at them and say “Well you’re afraid of not having enough money (despite the generosity of a few wonderful people), you’re afraid of the cancer returning, you feel like a broken woman, and you feel alone”. One might be able to understand those things might lead to the dreams as I see them. They are dreams of physical hurt (to me), people breaking into my home (no security), being used (being broken), and winding up permanently debilitated by some means (the cancer returning). Sounds pretty foolproof for a theory eh?

The truth is that may be so, but very rarely have I had such bad dreams that I cannot breath. When I was a young girl, I had nightmares all the time. Only a few did I ever wake myself up from (some painfully so). My past is not all that bright. I had a lot of things to work out. But now, stressful as my life may seem, it is not nearly on the same level as the things I suffered as a child. What I’ve endured recently is a CAKEWALK compared to my childhood.

The bottom line is I want them to go away. They keep me up because I’m afraid to sleep, it makes my wound hurt more because I’m up longer or passing out in uncomfortable positions when my body finally shuts me down, etc.

Any ideas?

Oh and I’ve started searching in earnest for a new job. Anyone know of any openings? I really need one with good insurance.

I hope you have a wonderful day today everyone.

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DAILY INSPIRATION

Cosmic Support
The Universe's Plan For You

The path that speeds us toward our dreams can be a challenging and complex one, so it's easy to get bogged down in confusion and insecurities. We often hesitate at the start of that path, questioning our purpose or our capabilities. Yet we should be moving forward joyously, eager to discover what destiny has in store for us. The universe has plans for us that eclipse anything we have dreamed of thus far. Though we must work diligently to fulfill our potential and to accomplish our individual missions, the universe is aware of both the quests we chose before birth and the goals we have formulated in adulthood. If we accept that it us watching over us and believe that it will facilitate our eventual success, the universe will provide us with the assistance and opportunities that enable us to make significant progress on our journeys of ambition.

Nothing happens without a purpose. Whether we attract success or repel it depends on our willingness to stay open to a wide range of possibilities and to embrace concepts like synchronicity. The universe is always ready to care for our needs, but we must not write off its loving attention as mere circumstance or chance. Likewise, we must endeavor to ensure that our egos do not become a barrier that prevents us from recognizing that even perceived mistakes and strife can be profound lessons that smooth the progress of personal evolution. When we understand that we only need to enthusiastically try our best to realize our objectives, the universe will take care of the details, propelling us forward in its unstoppable current. We may not always immediately understand the significance of certain experiences, but our trust will help us choose wisely at each crossroads.

The universe wants to see you accomplish your goals. No matter how long you've dallied or hesitated, it will always be there to put its plan for you in motion at the first sign of your faith. You can make the most of this aid by acquiescing to it rather than fighting it-nurture your dreams but do not attempt to micromanage every detail along the way. The universe will provide you with guidance and, if you heed that guidance, you will find your formerly stressful quest for success will become a journey of great joy.

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WELL WISHES

Today I wish for you to have a wonderful day full of sun. I hope for your nights to be free of the terrors that seek to cause unrest. I wish with all my heart for each one of you special wonderful people to have a night of blissful peace to go along with the day of bright sun I wish for you.

You are a blessing to me everyday
XO

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AND REMEMBER

The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated. ~William James
(SO True, even for me, especially for me)