This is 47

In my acquired wisdom I've accepted:

1. That it's OK to admit I like girly things

2. That it's OK I didn't post this ON the day of my birthday

3. That I'm wearing glittery kitty ears in this pic

4. That this pic is from end of 2017

5. That it's OK to be 47

6. That I'm alive

7. That I'm in love

8. That I'm sometimes happy

9. That I'm sometimes sad

10. That I'm not just alive, but I'm living.

Reflections on Love

As someone who tasted the sweet wine of what I thought was love before and realized it came with a very bitter pill at the end....  I've a few things to say on the subject of love.

I once was a romantic.  I dreamed of a man who would somehow weave his way into my heart with both charm and vitality.  A man who would speak to my mind and whisper secrets of the beauty inside that he saw.  Someone who would respect that I was strong and shelter me when I was not.  Someone who would hold my hand through the storm and catch me if I fell.  This man, in his unwavering way would peel away all the layers of what was a broken heart and diligently show me the mirror image of myself in his eyes as he looked on each tear I've shed and loved me more for having them.

It's a beautiful image this one.

The world for most of us has a tinge of jade to it.  We've played with the marbles and cards and for some of us realize there is nothing more than this.  We live, we work, we find some happiness we may even think we love... but this is all.

Then out of the blue, amid all the constant repetitions of "I dont need love", the firm belief that love would interrupt our "PLAN" or change us into some raving lunatic....It happens.

And suddenly the film of our life gets more colorful.  Flowers smell divine instead of just nice.  Problems are never insurmountable and handled with a smile. And even the most insurmountable... death can be thwarted by the power of this love.

I was heading down this road.  I had lived alone successfully for a long enough time after my divorce that really I was ok.  I made a few bad decisions in my heart but i was otherwise ok.  I knew how to find joy and I could find whatever I wanted on MY terms.  My mother was getting older but still somewhat spry.  I was successful in my job (though I hated my job).

And in he walked...and my world turned upside down.

They say fate or divinity works in mysterious ways and sometimes the two intertwine.  I think this was just such an occasion. I wasn't even prepared for it.  And when the flowers all of a sudden bloomed brighter, richer, larger than before even then I wasn't aware.  But when food suddenly tasted better and the energy of my youth came to me and said "Go ahead try that new thing it's ok" I started to realize something was different.

Just when I realized, and started to open up to this love unlike any love I'd ever felt my world crashed down all around me.  My mother got worse very quickly and I got very sick nearly overnight ALL AT ONCE. I was literally treading water in a sea of sharks because the pier I had been standing on not only dropped out from under me, it just disappeared.  And into the deep I fell.

My sickness was pretty bad.  My mothers....worse.  What began for both of us in October of last year continued into this year.  In January we lost her while I was deep in the throes of my illness. This man who brought his heart to mine, stood by me the whole time. He became my beacon, my anchor, my rock.  He was there during chemo, during hospital stays where we weren't sure I was going to make it, during funerals, emotional upheavals, more bad news, staggering weight gain from meds, worsening states of health from the disease... He built a pier of love right under me while I flailed about in fear and reassured me that no matter what, it would be ok.  I mean I could go on and on but now I'm so filled with emotion that I can't see the screen.

The point of all of these words, is he stayed. He came and brought my world to a completely different place. He took fear and panic and gently massaged them away with love and helped me to even laugh on occasion. And when others like my family, my friends, pretty much everyone, left me; he stayed. He held my hand.  He held my heart. He wiped my tears away and shared in them too. He cradled my soul when it fractured under the weight of it all.  And when I could have died, he held me close to his heart and simply told me how much he loved me.  He shook his fist in the face of all of this and somehow perhaps through sheer will alone, helped me survive.

So many years ago 1993 to be exact, I said I do to someone.  I don't regret saying I do, or subsequently saying I don't 10 years later. Because in the very thin wisps of the threads created by divinity that bind us in life; those which began so long ago is where this love started.  He didn't know it then, we didn't know it then; but now on that same day 23 years later in a place only a handful share with us; we created our own memory and came home. And on that same day this year we share in that memory again this time physically in our home now, together.

I'm no expert on love.  I've lost more than I've loved and I've been deeply hurt; the scars of which sometimes still ache.  But for the first time in my life starting a few years ago now if I'm being honest; I can finally say I really do know what love is.  Love is unconditional (yes it really is), love is transparent (always), love is making someone smile, and when life is difficult being sure to love with all your heart even and absolutely always in the face of adversity.

I know this writing isn't my best but if there is only one thing you get from reading it....   It is that I love you with every cell of my being, with my soul, with every thought, every smile and every tear. I love you.  Lets plant our roses and walk our path together because that's our home.

Our dance last year in the Golden Touch Theater production "Reflections" a piece so dear to my heart.

This is 45

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I came here to write and as usual my mind went blank.  But just then my eyes flicked over to my other monitor to where an image that inspires me resides.  And suddenly I knew what I wanted to write about...

From a post I put on facebook 9-4-16:

I've spent the better part of 25 years beating myself up because I didn't have this, or look like that.... It's a sad sad world we live in that even still in this day and age a woman's worth is dictated by how she looks, or how well she ages. No I don't speak globally I have no message for "the world" but I speak today just for me. I give up the arguments of the past, the thoughts that held me down as to my appearance. I appreciate all those who tried to tell me I was ok before, but I couldn't listen. I was too weighed down by the ghosts of others thoughts. This month I turn 45 and I think this might be a good year for me. Love me, or don't but I'm finally beginning to love myself. That's all that matters really (and if we ever figure out time travel i'm going to tell that to my 18 year old self). A special thanks to one person in particular for letting me see through their eyes. Sometimes that is all we need. **hugs**

Yea.... that.  There is a person out there who has decided that he wants to be with me.  That despite my best efforts to sway him otherwise with my terror stories of all my faults and deficiencies that the whole package makes up a person that he loves, adores, wants to be with.  And when I realize somewhere along the journey we've been on that I want to be with him too I begin to see the thread that binds us.  That so many years ago began with a chance meeting, and kept us in the same circles all these years until the time was right to pull us together.

It seems that later in life, divinity has found a way to provide some peace or love to me. My goodness I've been through a lot (so have many), but to come through it on the other side relatively unscathed and with love as well?  I'm amazed by it.

I wanted to write some great tale packed with all the wisdom that I've accumulated over the years.  I wanted to say some brilliant thing that when someone comes here and reads they're bowled over by the profound understanding my words have given them. I wanted to pour my soul out and let people see inside so if they needed to see something real they could.

But all I can manage tonight is a thank you.  Thank you to the person who loves me without question, sees me as I am, and for who I am...and doesn't run away. The one who makes my heart sing and my spirit soar.  The one who looks at me with such passion that I'm left feeling naked and vulnerable and loved and warm all at once.  Thank you for giving me my life back.  For giving me my heart and for climbing right in there and sharing that space with me in all worlds...and for being here on my birthday; The best birthday ever... 

I love you so. 

(and as per my usual, the birthday pic... )

Sun - for Deb Loughlin

Today is a mixed emotions day. 

I know a wonderful man.  I used to work for him.  His name is Marty.  He has a beautiful family: a wife, and wonderful kids.  4 years ago, his wife was diagnosed with cancer.  He became her advocate.  Then when their son was also diagnosed with cancer, he became their champion. Together as a family, they fought bravely and passionately.  They grew in their faith, their bond deepening. 

I knew Deb through Marty. I knew her to be full of smiles and joy. I knew her love for her family was never ending and her faith abundant. 

Today, she left this world.

The news caught me at work. I never thought that this day would come with her passion, fighting, and faith. So the news had me reeling. I was left very sad for Marty and his family, who, even despite this profound loss, are posting of the joy she was in their lives. Their testament is beautiful to witness. 

Today I cry sad tears for the immense loss the world suffers. To know a woman like Deb even vicariously is to know sheer and utter joy. To miss that joy leaves an infinite well of sadness I can't quite explain.  But I know that her words touched me.  Her light, smiles, faith, willingness to fight, and grace through such hardship touched me. The human spirit is tenacious and the heart limitless.  

I never had the pleasure of being her friend or knowing her deeply like others, but I mourn the loss of her light.  The world would be far better if people lived and loved like this family.

Some of you know I do Virtual Theater.  The Golden Touch has been my safety and comfort in a very harsh world. Through my work here and with charitable organizations like Relay for Life, I've learned what it means to love with no limits. This is a lesson Deb shared with me through her words, through Marty, and through her joy. She touched me without ever seeing me, and I am forever blessed for having known her.

My prayers and love to her family, friends, extended friends, and strangers united through her.  We are all connected.  

Enjoying Life...

Tentatively I've started writing again.  Recently I've had some inspiration and help in this endeavor.  As the picture shows, everyday when I open a new tab on my browser I'm presented with a beautiful image, and an opportunity to put what I want to focus on for the day.  Today, I chose "Enjoying the day".

Sometimes I come here and work out my darkness.  Sometimes even when I intend to be the bearer of light those little whispers of what lurks in the corners of my mind sneak out and I look and the whole post is about some anxiety or drama.

Not today.

Today I slept in until well after 8am, having slept the whole night through.  I haven't done that in ages. I woke to the sound of a name on my lips and to love in my heart.  My mind woke up energized and ready to begin creating.  I woke up without pain, without fear, without dread.  And I realized that this has been the way of things lately.  And I am grateful for it.

For a month now I've wanted to come here and post how joy in my life has manifested itself.  But in the way that overwhelming emotion will do, I come here and stare at a blank page hoping my hand can accurately paint what's in my heart.  And my hand is not so expressive at art as my heart is... so the page remained blank.  But my heart sang and remained full.

What joy there is to be had.

To have the simple pleasure of sleep embrace me and surround me.  To have love in every cell of my being.  To give love to everyone I meet because for the first time in a very long time my heart is overflowing.  To have no expectations of deeds, perfection, or lofty goals....  To just "BE" is an exquisite treat.

Love can be a beautiful thing.  I think we, as a society, have grown afraid of it's expression.  Because in that there is a naked honesty that leaves us vulnerable.  But I am not afraid.  That's not to say I haven't felt the nagging fears that have been my companion all my life whispering at my ear.  But those are fears of me, of my body, of my experiences, not of sharing love.  The love that is offered is so genuine even those whispers stand in quiet awe of that pure expression I receive daily in my heart.

I have no plans.  There is no rush to "end game", there is just this moment.  And when I woke this morning fully in the moment, I realized I have been blessed.  And like a child whose mind begins to soak up all the goodness without the fear that chokes so many, I let myself revel in it.  I played in the field of emotion laid before me.  I sang silly songs and found silly pictures gushing with loves profession.  And when I realized tomorrow is my birthday I came here immediately to say to you all....   Life is good.  And even if this is just for a day or a month or whatever; it is good.  I accept it and I reciprocate.

I love.

This is 44

When I want to write, nothing comes; when I have no time to write I am inundated with all the things I would say.  Eloquent phrases and literary works of art spring to mind to torment me knowing I have no outlet to express them.  At least not at that minute.

I visited a site today that I've been on for 12 years now (holy crap!).  It's called Allpoetry.  And since 2003 I've been posting poems there.  Granted I've been absent for a few years here and there but I always go back.  I was quite prolific back in the day.  I don't find the time/energy/look a new shiney!/writers block gets me/space to write as much anymore.

But I wanted to today.  And I fear even this post, on paper as it were, will be lacking the creative perfection that these same words seem to carry as they careen about in my head.

Two years ago, I took a picture or two or 10 displaying for all who would see what my version of 42 looked like.  No, I wont post them here.  I'm not going to take pictures this year.  In fact I have no CLUE what I'm going to do to ring in 44.  It's not a particularly special number now is it?  It's not even halfway to the big 5-0.  But you know, I never really celebrate my birthday anyway.  I learned early on that it really didn't matter (and not because it didn't matter but because people never showed).  It wasn't until I met people online who showed me the importance of the day of my birth. I've yet to bring that special feel, here outside, in reality.

Jesus I sound so melancholy.  *erases everything*

Right fuck that age crap.  yes I'm turning 44 but god damn do I feel good!

I still suffer depression
I still suck at getting in touch with people who are not online
I still suck at sitting down and writing that damn novel
I'm still overweight (which really sucks honestly)

But I have love.

^ Yea that.  So what could be wrong? Right here in this moment, where I sit typing away at my computer there isn't a damn thing wrong. I'm not melancholy, I'm not angry, I'm actually happy.

So all you guys get is my random sputterings, but hopefully you get the message.  All is well, and I have love.  And that is the single most important thing to me.  (Well that and bacon...)

Unfriend...

We've all done it.  We've all been careless with our words because we were hurting.  Sometimes we maybe didn't even have control over it.  It hurts worst when you were on the precipice of trusting someone.  Sure, some may say "better to know now" but sometimes the opening of the door is almost as hard as stepping through.  Just the fact that the door was opened was trust enough, and when hurt makes people act mean it hurts even at the beginning.

Anger is a healthy emotion.  Our world tells us to stifle it.  We're so PC that we have lost touch with the reality of our feelings.  Anger burns bright and if tended to right away burns quickly like a match. Once expressed it fizzles and has no spark left and cannot burn again without external sources.

I recently trusted someone.  I let them inside.  I did (if I'm being honest with myself) have a thought or two about the longevity... but I ignored it.  Recently despite being honorable and honest at all times, the dynamic ended.  And since then words have been bantered about.  They've been cold, and directed with precision at me.

I was sad for a brief period of time, then I got angry.  How dare you say these things?  How dare you be sanctimonious and play the victim when there was no WRONG done.

Hurt sucks, I get it.  But...

Once that match of anger fizzled out, I saw things more clearly.  I saw that I simply had a choice... so I choose not to bow down to hurtful words.  I choose not to keep that connection and so I let it go. Because the hurt that is being expressed is not mine.  I am not hurt.  I am sad and disappointed for lost possibilities; but I am not hurt.

Perhaps in time the hurt that is perceived can be released by this person and they can find joy.  But in my choices I've chosen also to not be a part of that life and so I'll never know.  But I can send wishes and good intentions.  Because they need it, and because it's right.

And because I deserve better.

Getting old sucks...

It comes in random spurts.  This emotion that tears me up.  When faced with the vastness of nothing but negative emotions, I see I reach out to read.  When the comforts of the online world no longer comfort, and the voices of those I would call friend...grate; I disconnect.  But the world I've become accustomed to is my home.  So when faced with pure solitude, the kind that scratches at your head reminding you in the form of a headache that you're supposed to be elsewhere doing something.... else; I come here. 

I posted over a year ago last.  Tonight I'm angry, I know why and I can't do a thing about it.  It's an anger I carry around with me like a backpack reminding me of it's weight every time I breathe.  It affects EVERYTHING.  I haven't written in forever.  I haven't posted here in over a year.  Hell I dont even sing anymore.  I'm reminded of that every time I have nights like this and these are as of late, the only constant in my life. 

Blogging was such a "thing".  It seems so passe now.  With Twitter, facebook, god only knows what other kinds of social apps the written word is as archaic as actually picking up a pen and some paper and writing.  

These pages seem very empty.  Like coming to a run down library and finding a few scattered books and sheets of loose paper skittering about in the dust left over from years of neglect.  You wander around them reading and wondering if any of it mattered?  No one comes anymore.  I know why, but still you kind of wonder if anyone just ... peeks. maybe.

So tonight I'm rambling on in a blog I haven't visited in at least half a year.  Because no one cares, no one visits and honestly that's just the way it is.

But there's always that hope that maybe someone, perhaps someone who read frequently years ago when you couldn't shut me up and I posted everyday, might stop by and say "Holy Shit! She posted again".  Maybe even that person might just forgo the usual sarcastic "Hey it's anonymous so I can just tear it up because it's the internet" and actually care for a minute.  Might actually wonder for just a second about the plight of another human soul somewhere else.

But I am one person.  One speck of light that grows dim, and as nights like these tear at my soul reminding me how screwed up things are, I see that light getting dimmer.  So I write in the hopes I'll feel better.  And a little in the hopes that someone shares in this writing as fucked up as it is.  

But it will be what it will be and tonight will wind up being shelved in the archives as another night in my life where I really didn't live.  I just ...was.

Adele - Someone Like You; for someone special

It's funny that the closer I get to 40 the more reflective I get.

I recently was turned on to this artist whose voice is amazing. Not only that her music is lovely. the lyrics are usually spot on and at a particularly low point in my life, I heard some of her works that truly spoke to me. Last week I hit a very very low point. As I came out of that, I heard this song and it brought back some very powerful memories and some equally powerful realizations.

Now two days before another surgery I find myself reflecting on things & again this song came up in my playlist.

Many years ago ( I can't believe how long ago now!) I met a man online. A relationship started early on and developed over time to something quite deep. There are many parts of this story but the most important is how he moved me. I don't think back when it was going on I realized just how much he moved me...

Years later, knowing his life has moved on and realizing mine in some ways has not I find this piece to be particularly inspiring. How do you describe to people what a perfectly woven piece of fabric in your life feels like? How do you explain someone knowing you so well that you discover pieces of yourself you didn't know existed while you piece the fragments of a life together?

When things ended, decision were made by me in haste that cost me dearly. I realize I made those choices. But even those pains are not so fresh as to make me hurt. They are part of a (Dare I say love Story?) story that has a beginning, middle and end. The story is steeped in seeming fairytale, promises, joy, endings, and lingering emotions.

I miss him. I miss what we had that so long ago seemed perfect. I know what would be today would be different and I know even more so as my heart aches in the memories, that it can never be.

Finally, I think I can fully let him go. I can hold onto the warm memories with not so tight a death grip. I can let him go with a bittersweet love in my heart that will never go away. While I can let him go now, I can't forget him. He gave me such joy and I will be ever grateful for that. I wish nothing but the best for him. I miss him, but I wish him joy, love & peace; and I just want to say Thank you. Thank you for staying in my heart even when I didn't think you were there. But it's ok now. I can let his memories remain memories and let the love I felt back then soar free knowing that it doesn't pain me now, to know it existed.

Be well Mr Uber; I'm here if you ever want to chat as friends. Love to you and yours

Mean people suck

I read this story today and was so touched I had to share here even though no one reads here. Posting it here is my testament to the fact that people can be who they want to, bullying sucks, girl geeks rule, geeks are awesome, and we should not judge people but embrace our uniqueness.

I'm grateful today to have read this post and wish Katie all the best.

Katie the Star Wars girl

She finally got to be on her beach

I finally got the nerve today to visit the American Cancer Society's place in Second Life. I had several times wanted to visit, but was too afraid. In visiting I stumbled upon the Memorial Gardens.

I was scared to be there, I had a horrible day at work; my emotions were already threatening to overwhelm me. But there, two people stood. I spoke to them briefly and discovered that one of them was the creator of the lovely place and a cancer survivor as well.

For so long I had thought that somehow maybe because I wasn't near death with my cancer, or invaded by chemotherapy for years that somehow my cancer wasn't as severe. No matter how it affects you Cancer of any kind is severe. It is brutal, non discriminatory, and painful mentally, physically and emotionally to so many.

In talking with this person, I had asked timidly what I needed to do to add a memorial for someone. He was so kind, he let me add one that very moment for her. When he asked me where I would want to place it, without a moments hesitation I said "Somewhere on the beach?"

He immediately put a picture I hastily gave him nestled between some palm trees facing the bluest ocean. The tears began to flow freely as I stood there and just stared at this lovely tribute to the woman who changed my life so much. I began to feel all the old fears of my cancer, the sadness at losing her just two years before mine. I began to feel the sadness from the days events, the stress from work and a torrent of tears broke through my walls.

But somewhere among the deluge of depression, sadness, and pangs of longing, was one emotion that is always there somehow, God only knows how...

Love.

I loved this woman I never met. I loved the doctors who before my surgery hadn't laid eyes on me before but took care of me. I loved this woman's fiancee that I had never met. I loved both of their families for providing me one of the highest points of my life as they thanked me for doing a radio show devoted to her... these people who didn't even know what Yahoo instant messenger was, learned that night how to type "Thank you for loving our daughter" as I did a broadcast in her honor when she was in a coma they weren't sure she'd come out of (she did). I loved all those who supported me through my cancer including this woman's fiancee who was still wounded from the loss of his love, but able enough to reach out and help me.

Even as I write this, the tears are still flowing, as I sit here by her memorial I can't stop them. But as all the sadness of the day, fears and stresses begin to depart I feel her there beside me in my heart. And strangely as I cry, I am comforted. I am sad and filled with the longing of her words. But I am comforted. And I know soon the tears will stop and tomorrow will be a better day for having had them.

So I look to tomorrow, and send out love to the many survivors, and loved ones who have fought bravely but not survived. I send love out because I am hurting and because I know only that will make me feel better. I send love out because it's who I am and in doing so, I feel her nearby. The woman who's sanctuary was a beach and finally in the virtual world has found a home again near me.

In warm memories and with much love I remember you.

Jessie Smith 1976-2004

And thank you to those two in Second Life, who gave me the most insightful words of the evening.

H.M.: some of us have to go to remind those left behind how precious we all are
H.M: if you do nothing more than that than your life is an accomplishment

Profound words my friend, indeed.

Angels with one wing...

I was going to write a week ago about how little I trust people anymore. How friends are not what you think they are anymore. How surprising it is now in this world of immediate gratification that even friends do not stand up to the test of time.

I was going to write how dismayed I am at the inability of people to commit to something and see things from another's perspective. To be willing and able to understand by wearing someone else's shoes what they go through. To look from a higher level and see that situations sometimes are beyond our control, and all we can do is handle them as honorably, as we can and try to appreciate them for that.

I was going to further write about how I feel like I am a dying breed sometimes. How when I commit to fight for something, I continue to fight for it. How I'm not perfect, but am completely flawed in so many ways but my heart is in the right place.

Lastly I was going to write how one hurt after another beginning in August has been lavished on me. How much I felt like there was no one left I could count on. That all my efforts at many things had been in vain and worse a regrettable waste of time.

These are all true statements. They are all true sentiments. But they are flawed.

They take a specific incident (or multiple incidents) and target everyone for for a few people's careless actions or thoughtless words.

I find that usually in what I perceive to be my darkest hour, when one thing after another continues to be piled on; that inevitably someone steps in and shines through the dark. A whispered word can sometimes be enough, a hand to hold, a song link sent to me by someone who doesn't even know what I'm going through. How that one thing alone can be strong enough to lift the seemingly impenetrable burden of dark.

This post is in thanks to all those people who may not even know that by their well timed words have brought me a smile or peace. It is a reflection of what I see happening in the dynamics of relationships, that things still happen and sadly worse than ever before in this immediate age; but there are still some of us out there. Some of us who love, who try hard, who fail but get up and try again; and we support each other even in our own dark times. And even though we seem to be few and far between sometimes, the fact that we ARE there can make all the difference in the world.

Thank you for you.

Muse

We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another. ~Luciano de Crescenzo

I speak, Reflections, Releasing the Songbird

My days move up and down like the slow rolling hills seem to do. One moment you see everything ahead of you, the clear path, and the next you're in the valley with walls around you and shadows dancing with your thoughts.

I wake and try to be grateful for the day. I listen to music with my heart and try each moment to open it just a little wider. My scars on my heart shine more than my light it seems these days. But there are moments still. It seems to take a little more warm candlelight than I remember, but … there are moments.

I cling to those moments when I sit alone like tonight, thinking of what to do. Seeing the various faces of those around me now completely different than the faces that once were, even recently. I get contemplative a lot it seems. The words, emotions, thoughts don't see m to carry the darkness they once did back in 2004. I was so full of hurt back then.

I hurt now too. But thankfully, I'm a bit wiser too (I think)

I know when to look at my own doings and recognize the part I may have played in some of these hurts. I know too when to not shoulder any of the blame. And I'm not afraid to say I've done no wrong. Nor am I afraid to say “I'm sorry”.

For a long time I forgot who I was. I forgot what my core is. Along the way friends have dropped like travelers off to distant worlds, only they have not come back. For those I shoulder regret. It was my distance that allowed them the permission to feel the need to move on. But when I look on those regrets they hurt, however they don't maim like they used to.

Maybe there is something to this growing up thing after all .

But I am more aware today than I was yesterday lets say, of every moment that passes me by. I notice the sun move its position bringing with it the dark. I see Helios screaming across the sky running from the coming cold, and Selene his sister, bringing the winter Moon and all it's beauty. I sit stationary more often than ever before. This isn't a bad thing, it just is the way it is.

I find I know less than I did 10 years ago and somehow wisdom in other ways has been imprinted on my soul. I still seek my path. My god, I still seek it at 39. I hope to find it soon.

But to those I've touched who image or name is stamped on my heart and filed away in my library of light.... know you are thought of. And even if I don't know you, know I love you and wish you well.

To those I've not touched in a long time, know too, you are thought of in many ways. And I wish for love, light, happiness to find its way to you even if you don't know it's me that's sent it.

So tonight, I retire, chilled from the winters breath on every breeze. I meditate for peace, and maybe clarity. And I spend my time doing the one thing I know I need to do; shake the rust off the creative wheels and write with my heart. Write not for anyone, but for my heart to finally be free of its bondage. Write for no awards, but the accolades my spirit feels when I dance with paper and pen (or computer and bits and bytes). And release my songbird on paper, from my heart, into the night sky with her wish to be carried gently to the moon.

Be well all.

LadyMuse

PS. Candles are being lit again, check them out (link at the left). Maybe you'll feel the inspiration to light one too.

I Speak

I sit in darkness

Lights move slowly, reaching their destination

Wind speaks to my skin

Eliciting prickled flesh

My ears covered listen intently

Muscle thrums with the music

Shivers begin, creativity flows

the sound washes my mind free of worry

My heart beats picking up the melody

Legs carry me to the wooden portal

Fingers stretch and flex

While slow luxurious words drape my screen

This is my word

My essence

My energy transported through music

To the cold screen

It bears no message

Carries no weight

But still, I speak

©SKW 9-28-10

The things you are to me

Sometimes life sneaks up on us and whisks us away to the hurried demands of the day. And sometimes if we're lucky enough to catch a moment as if it were a falling star. Sometimes we can hold onto it and cherish it. We can "see" and "feel" the moment as it moves through our hearts. These moments suspend time in a near fantastical vision. These are moments when our heart sing, and are minds are at ease. They don't come often, but when they do, they can be cherished.

It's been a long time since I've had such a moment. I've been so busy with what I needed to do. So busy tending to someone, or something; that i had forgotten what it was like to sit pampered for a space of hours doing nothing but being a creature of love, a glowing light in the world of dark.

I am glowing today. I have had the pleasure of being around the nicest person. He transported me to a place of peace and relaxation and this post is for him. Because these moments don't come often; when they do, clutch them tight to your heart. And when they are done file them away in your garden of dreams. Water them and watch the memories grow becoming an eternity instead of the singular moment plucked from the falling stars.

Thank you R. For many things, but especially for slowing the incessant demands of time today with me and just "being" beautiful.

The Things You Are To Me

If I held in my hand,
Every grain of sand
Since time first began to me
Still I could never count,
Measure the amount;
Of all the things you are to me

If I paint the sky,
Hang it up to dry
I would want the sky to be
Oh, such a grand design
An everlasting sign
Of all the things you are to me

Chorus:
You are the sun that comes on summer winds
You are the falling year that autumn brings
You are the wonder and the mystery
In everything I see… the things you are to me

Sometimes I wake at night
And suddenly takes fright
You're my vaguest fantasy
But then you reach for me
And once again I see
All the things you are to me

The unfolding of the flowers....

It is amazing to me how many ways we can be unfolded just like a new flower. At night when the world is dark and the air is cold, we close up... So too can we during the day in a cold environment. But in one act of kindness, or love or generosity we unfold one petal at a time eventually with enough love and the right environment revealing our most beautiful attributes, our core...our heart.

This love comes to us in many strange ways. Perhaps it was a beautiful day, the landscape of which took your breath away. Or perhaps a smile from a stranger, that reached all the way up to the strangers eyes lighting them up as their heart recognized yours and said hello. But it is in the measure of a hug, that precise blanket of warm space shared with another that our hearts really talk to one another.

A good hug can carefully unwrap each petal previously wrapped so tight in the cold. It can reveal our naked hearts, and raw emotions. It can instantly bring forth tears that we didn't know we had waiting to be shared. And if tended to those tears cathartic though they are can turn to tears of joy.

I had just such a hug yesterday. I tried to fight the tears that came forth (as is my nature), but they wouldn't be deterred and what was revealed left the giver of the hug shaking it was so profound. This connection doesn't just spring from a long term relationship, nor just from a friend, it can be found in the most unusual ways. If we see it, recognize it for what it is we can have a moment or several of them even, and walk away from that simple hug with enough love in our hearts to make us glow with joy.

I am grateful for that hug. For that moment, when my love and my joy was restored. Thank you J.

Here's to many hugs for you, and for me and for the resulting joy that can color a world in beautiful gardens of flowers opened; reaching for the sun even during the storm...

LadyMuse

39 years of life

Tomorrow is my birthday. There will be no fanfare, no special hugs from friends. There will be no cake, no dinner out. There will be no intimate time with someone, and no wine drunk. My birthdays are like this. They have been since I was old enough to not have parties thrown for me by my mother. Every once in a while one birthday stands out as a time of joy and love because the well wishes from people near and far catch me off guard and give me the warmth I used to experience when celebrating a year of life as a child.

This year, I am one year away from 40. The thing that catches me the most about that is that I survived 39 years. I’ve been through cancer & emotional turmoil. I’ve made some deep friendships that have stood the test of time and many “issues”. I’ve lived, cried, been hurt, been loved. I’ve truly lived.

I’ve made some bad choices in my life, and my skeletons hang out in my closet waiting to rejoice in their hopeful freedom. But what I truly try to do on this very special day, is to look with no regrets or fear on my past. To see this life, with clearer eyes than I do in my normal “go mode”. To see that in many people’s lives I’ve made a difference. A single touch, a word, a hug, has made someone feel warmer, has given another peace, has provided strength for some to walk through very dark valleys and be at peace in their darkest hours.

I am proud of those moments. Proud of the times when my heart opened up and shone like a beacon, a lighthouse to those lost souls, to the wayward spirit who just needed to know we “see” them. I’m proud of them because in this world where so many are blinded by prejudice, preconceived notions, stereotypical ideals, I have laid my soul bare. It is no small feat to be the vibrant spirit we are and offer all we are in the service to another’s heart. It is one thing that I do well.

This year, as every year, I will try to do many things that make me continue forward on my journey. I will try harder to do them with honor. I will love more and work harder to remove the barriers in my heart placed by so many experiences of pain. I will meditate more and incorporate the spiritual side of myself into my daily life. But most importantly I will remain true to who I am. I will remember the moments of pride when I could look at a stranger and see the light go on in their eyes just from a few words. I will actively heal with my hands and energy, those who want it, as well as myself. I will be kinder to my body and more loving to myself with my heart. I will hopefully impart this brightness onto another who may share this life with me. I will continue to walk the road that most people don’t understand because they live in fear. I will walk it and smile.

And should I falter, I will allow myself the tears, and keep going.

I never thought I’d make it this far, having thought I’d always die young. And I’ve had some special incidents along the way that show me that truly my life, my being here is a gift indeed from divinity. I will not spit in the face of that gift. I will instead of counting the days to the next joy, remember that joy is in each breath I take simply because I can breathe….

Love, light and peace to all who read here and many blessings on this the day of my birth for light to warm your heart and carry you through any dark. For those special few, I am always in your heart. Thank you for being in mine as well.

And even as I type this, I send blessings to you all while meditating in my temple in Second Life. May they fly to you and unburden you….

Carpe Diem!

LadyMuse

Remembrance

The day awoke in a mood of grey blanketed with cold, non threatening but looming clouds. At various times in my commute, I listened to music, I reflected on conversations, and ultimately became the witness to my own past as we so often do. I stood under the cover of my building having received a ride from a friend who runs a cab, who so wonderfully gave it to me free today. I sent thanks and prayers on for his safety and comfort and business today. And I watched the clouds caress the grey sky and a song hit my ipod truly bringing the day home.


Three years ago today, I had a surgery to save my life. Every year I celebrate the gift of my life on the day of my surgery because on that rather ordinary day when I woke up, I had not expected to be alive. But I did wake up, and I was, am still alive. I am thankful every year for the expert hands of the surgeons who tirelessly worked to save me. I am thankful my last words to them before I went under that I painfully struggled to say to them whispered though they were “Thank you for saving my life” were heard. I didn't know why at the time, I was so lost and confused in what was going on in my body. But I knew at that moment when I whispered those words as they held my hand and blissful sleep overcame me, that I had wanted to live. See, I had worried about that. Cancer will do that to you. It will rob you of the things you know and expect in life and alters your life course so severely that you wonder if you'll ever get on the right track again.


Just three days before this surgery I had prayed in my blog, openly, publicly:

“Please help me to get rid of this fear that chokes me so much. Please help me to find my place of peace Monday so the last thing I remember when I go under is light, love, or happiness or all of the above. Help me to accept the change that my life will have to go through and to embrace it going forward without the fear that has kept me back for so long.

Please help me to just get through Monday and know that everything else will fall into place. Let me believe my own words that I’ve said to so many people “Everything happens for a reason”, let me believe them.

And please, send your angels to watch over me, that when I’m having things removed, that their hands help the doctors so there are no accidents, that their thoughts help the doctors should their be any complications due to my weight, that their hearts beat with the doctors so they know that this person on this table is someone’s friend, someone’s daughter and they put everything into helping me live. But mostly, send your angels to hold my hand so the loneliness I feel quite often in my waking life doesn’t find me in the limbo I will be in during this surgery. Just let them hold my hand. “

They did that day and have ever since. On days like today where I reflect on the changes my life has been through, I can almost hear them. When I hear her laugh and feel her happiness I can see them in her eyes. When I look in his eyes and see his sincerity that just leaves no room for doubt and fears of my own, I can almost feel their hand on my heart.

“And one last thing, please give those who care for me peace as they wait anxiously with me for my surgery to be done, the results to be received, and the recovery to go smoothly. Make sure all those waiting know that it will be ok no matter what. “

While the people in my life who were there that day have changed faces, I still remember my mother, and Jessie. Jessie was a remarkable woman who suffered incredibly from cancer at age 27. She lived online and gave as much as she could to all she touched. These few pitiful words do not do her the justice she deserves, as when I think about her I swell with longing to hear her laugh, pain at her loss, and happiness for her peace. How can you describe what only the heart knows, in the language it alone knows the best?

But there she was this morning just as she was that day.

“I'll hold my right hand over my left like Mark said I should, because Jessie will be holding my hand too. I'll do all of it to find that place of peace.

I take you all with me today, in my heart.” (October 9, 2006)

As I clasped my hand over mine feeling her holding my hand, before the surgery and when I woke up later I knew she was there.

So I stood under the gray sky blanketed by clouds and turned away from the street lest anyone see me as I quietly cried in part sadness for the immeasurable loss this world suffers for not having Jessie in it, and in part happiness that not only do I have my life but that despite a few hiccups along the way is going so remarkably well. I turned up the song on my iPod and stood with my eyes closed sending gratitude for the time I had with her, gratitude for my life, and a profound sense of peace not clouded by sadness, but warm like an embrace.

There will be emotions today, there always are but life goes on and indeed for me and still for Jessie in spirit at least, it most surely does...

“Help me to accept the change that my life will have to go through and to embrace it going forward without the fear that has kept me back for so long. “

I had no idea these words at the time I wrote them, were the tiny spark of hope inside me. I had no idea then, but I get it now. I understand the fire and warmth that those words have blossomed into for me, as part of my LIFE right...now.

Freedom without fear

...I accept

Muse

hear you me

by jimmy eat world

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that'thought
I might get one more chance

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless
angels lead you in

So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in
(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in

And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in