Friday, February 23, 2007

The Beauty of a Sunrise







Happy Friday everyone! I was most fortunate this morning to be up early enough to catch the sunrise. My only regret was that for the blissful 30 minutes i watched the sun greet the day, that I had not been in the country somewhere. The traffic was the normal rush hour, and the cell towers and lights were in the way of everything. I was however able to enjoy it nonetheless and so, wish to pass this on to you in case you missed it. Enjoy friends and have a BEAUTIFUL day. XO




Thursday, February 22, 2007

Friday's child was happy & warm; **LONG POST**

“If you don’t like where you are in life, there comes a point when you must give up the part of you that’s keeping you back.” ~Dr. Sonya Friedman
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First, THANK YOU to Sacred Suzie for the beautiful pendant that is rushing on its way to me. It is homemade and it beautiful!! Click here to see it (it's the first one :D)

Well this week has been a week of reflection. I’ve been in some pretty light spots, and some pretty dark ones too. I’ve had the joy of witnessing the birth of a new friendship recently and I can say that it’s going well. I’ve had the misfortune to also see some depression this week return in me and that has kept my writing at bay.

The good news is that today all is well. It helps that the weather has been cooperating too, giving us some warm sun and warmer breezes to melt away all the snow.

For those who’s curiousity is peaked, yes, the friendship is with a male. A very nice man who will call Google Man (as Mrs. Virgo refers to him :P). He’s been quite the charmer and very attentive. I am enjoying this friendship and look forward to its continuing blossoming. You can never have too many friends in my book and I cherish all my friendships.

The bad news of the week is I’ve been turned down by a few jobs, one of which I was certain I was a shoe in for. It’s a bit disheartening considering that my days working at home are numbered as my health continues to get much better. I haven’t had a fever above 99.0 since last week, and my incision is COMPLETELY closed. No more packing, no more pain, hurrah! However, the end of the recovery (long road eh?) signifies a return to the office that I had hoped I would never have to return to… Life goes on eh? At least that’s my attitude today.

I have a few decisions to make in my life as of late and they’re big ones. Neither decision will prove to be a bad one, in fact they’re both decisions that have the potential to truly help me. But both of them would bring about additional debt. That’s something I really have to think about.

Through the very generous efforts of a some wonderful friends, I have been able to stave off a shift in direction as far as my credit goes. Thankfully I’ve been able to maintain a decent credit rating and now that things are continuing in an upwards direction, I can use some of that credit to my advantage. My two choices are:

Look for a house to move into this year (yes, my credit is good enough to qualify for a loan in that area, shocking eh?)

Or

Qualify for a student loan to further my education.

The debate is of the two debts I would incur, which would be the most beneficial now. If I take on a home loan, I take on increased monthly costs. Most mortgages will be over $1000 a month with assessment if a condo etc. I also would not be able to secure new employment as I would need to remain at my current place at least until the loan is finished.

The second option would mean I would be stuck in the same apartment for at least another year as I would not be able to renew my lease, however my rent wouldn’t increase. Plus I could secure different employment and be on my way in a positive direction with that while I increase my own potential getting my education.
They are tough choices. The first one of course is even deciding to accrue more debt. With respect to that, keep in mind no financial decision will be made today. Maybe not for another 6 months even, while I figure out the mess that the bomb of this cancer has left my finances in.

I feel like I’ve been stuck in some limbo hanging on to the psychological post traumatic stress over cancer, the surgery, etc. I’m trying to clear that up but in its place is the desire to do something with my life. Something new, some change, SOMETHING. And while no decision has truly been made yet, at least the thoughts are there.

I’ve also been doing some interpersonal work on myself as of late. After watching the secret and letting that stew in my mind, then seeing the follow up show that Oprah did about (I LOVE TIVO!), I’ve been more and more inclined to really examine a few things in my life. I haven’t gotten comfortable enough to “pick and choose” what I want from the catalog of life, but the idea of that doesn’t scare me so much now. I think the fear of picking is that verbalizing what I want helps reinforce it and that would mean change. Surprisingly as much as I do not mind change, it still scares me a bit.

My next post will be a very personal post. I’ve been working on it for a few days already and that alone should tell you how personal it will be. It’s one of those “Do I share it or not” posts. But true to my heart, and my vision I WILL share it. I think it’s good therapy to share your life with others, even in a blog where the whole world can see it if they choose. It makes it more ‘real” in some respects… validates it, if you will. But, it is deeply personal and requires a lot more thought than just the average message.

In the meantime, know that I am well. I’m getting better each day, and more aware, more out of my self imposed reclusion shell. I think of every one of you everyday and hope that you are all well. And I am grateful for all the candles being lit, the emails, text messages and love. I am very grateful for the love of my friends and family. I would not be here today if I didn’t have that.

Be well friends,
Muse


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WELL WISHES

I hope wherever you are, whatever you’re going through, no matter how rough, you remember one thing. Remember that out in this vast world of so many diverse people, thoughts and actions; that one person loves you… JUST… AS… YOU… ARE. For the first time reader to this blog, the new friends in my life, the existing ones, and those yet to be. I love you with all my heart, I love you. May that love find you and cover you in warmth, positive energy, and happiness. You deserve it, you wonderful people you.. :)

In the words of Mrs. Virgo “Make it a great day!”

Friday, February 16, 2007

A celebration is underway


ok , so this one I can't claim this one as my own motivated success. There is a story behind tonights walk.

I have a new TiVo. I love the damn thing. I have been tivo'ing shows I never watched before! I've become a TiVo junkie...

Ok enough about my newfound addiction, the point is I Tivo'd Dr. Phil. Now let me tell you something that I think about his shows. I've heard so many good things about his show, but I never watched it until now. In my OPINION, his shows are from the few I've seen, just a new way for a therapist to tell people what they really need to be doing without the fluff. I don't think he's any miracle worker, I think he's someone who doesn't bullshit. That's the good news.

The bad news is that I think his show is still just like any other talk show, more about the ratings and the punch than anything else. Now that is my still forming opinion based on the few shows I've seen.

HOWEVER (yes there is a however), I watched a show today on morbidly obese people. They featured a 500lb woman and a man whose weight the doctor could only guesstimate in the 1,000lb range. I was both repulsed and saddened for these people. My sadness doesn't excuse their obesity, or their lack of initiative to try any means to lose weight. I know where these people are sometimes, I can identify with the depresison etc. But I couldn't help falling into the trap of shock.

The good news out of that show was immediately after viewing it, I went to my treadmill and walked. I saw myself on a scary road. We all need motivation and I suppose today my motivation was sparked by Dr. Phil. So here for the first (and possibly last time ever), you will see me say:Thank you Dr. Phil. You caused me to work out again and helped build my successful post today.

No jamba juice for this celebration, just lemon water and an orange later. Still sweet, but definitely within the calorie range ;)

That isn't the ONLY good news tonight. The really good news is that in one weeks time i've lost 7 more pounds!

Now THAT is reason to celebrate. So join me, send some love to me, to others, to yourselves, because my celebration tonight includes all of you. Just like little pixie dust floating about merrily, I sprinkle my happiness around and hope that it catches you all tonight :)

Much love,
Muse
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Tonight's Stats
32.30 minutes
129 calories
40.5 fat grams
1.6 miles per hour
.80/mile

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Happy Valentine's Day :)



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"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~Rumi

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My dear friends,

I sit today on my couch, watching the sun melt all the coldness outside. When I woke this morning, I realized very quickly what a special day it was. It’s not been such a special day for me in quite a few years. As I began my morning routine, my thoughts drifted towards the words I would write in my private little space on the internet; my blog. I thought of all the love that seems to be filling many spaces these days. I felt warmed by the sun on my face and warmed in my heart by the love I’ve been given by many. It was a wonderful feeling.

An idea began to surface as I drove this morning for a personal letter that would be sent to everyone via my blog. I’ve been feeling some great creative energy lately and immediately jumped on this chance to spread some love. And so here it is friends, my deeply personal letter, globally to all of you.

Some of you have known me even as far back as when I was a precocious little girl who’s only mission in life was to talk to everyone & make them happy. Some of you entered my life when I was coming into my adulthood, the years of my awareness. Still, some of you have joined the journey of my life within the last 10 years and have seen the sometimes-tumultuous transformations I go through. And even as recent as the last few days, some of you still have joined me, becoming the unwitting traveler in my life’s escapades.

When I think of all the different people in my life, all the many facets of the friendships/relationships I’ve had, I can’t help but feel blessed. Each one of the faces I see parading before me in my mind has woven themselves so intricately, into the picture of my life. Each single thread gleams spectacularly on its own, and yes is perfect brilliance when combined with the energy of all.

Some of you are great listeners, some are great motivators, some have just the right type of hugs to offer when needed, and some know exactly the inner workings of me and can move about the storms I have with ease helping to keep me on course. Every single person that has become my friend, new, old or otherwise has done so because they are BEAUTIFUL. You all shine with an inner light that can’t help but draw love to them.

The last year has been a very choppy ride for me. But today, on this day of love all I can think about are all the wondrous people I know, the magical energies they’ve given me, the support they’ve given, and the love they continually bestow on me even when I may say I don’t need it.

Everyday should be a holiday celebrating the uniqueness of you. Every moment should be a moment of gratefulness. Every breath whispered should be one of expressed joy. But especially on this day of love, I choose to celebrate the energy of brilliance, that which you my friends have offered to me just by standing alongside me.

In this book I have,called “Sue’s life”, there are so many chapters, some even still being written; but each page is graced by the love of so many people. It is a book that I cherish, a book that I look forward to reading again and again as much as I look forward to reading each chapter as it completes. In the library of my heart, where all the volumes of books rest, this one shines brightly. It always draws me close when I fear the dark, and holds me closer when I need a friend. It shines with the energy of brilliance, the energy of you.

There is no greater power in this world than to light the pathway to one’s heart. I thank you, I am grateful for you, & I love you…all.

May your Valentine’s Day be showered with affection, joy, love, and the warmth of knowing no matter who you are or how long you’ve known me, you’ve touched me and you are loved.

Love, Light & Peace to every single one of you.
Muse




PS. My artwork has been quite crafty to include ATC's, painting, and Energy Work. Here are two images of my recent works... May they bring you a smile, enjoy!


For Mrs. Virgo - 2007

Positivity Study - 2007

Monday, February 12, 2007

Success!

Distance Walked: .75/mile
Speed: 1.5 - 1.8 miles per hour
Fat Grams Burned: 38
Calories burned: 122

Now if I could just do this everyday....

Monday's Musings

“A second quality of mature spirituality is kindness. It is based on a fundamental notion of self-acceptance.”~Jack Kornfield

Quote is taken from:
A Path with Heart

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This weekend was nice, uneventful as far as drama goes and pleasantly surprising in other ways.

I had a wonderful talk this weekend with a special woman who really understood the way I was feeling without me having to say it at all. To that special woman, we’ll just call her Bella, I say thank you. You sparked in me the awakening of a hidden emotion, the acceptance of said emotion and the ability to being (hopefully) healing. Thank you Bella. (For those of you that don’t know Bella is Italian for beautiful, and this woman is all that and more.)

It seems lately that everyone is going through something. I know people’s parents who are very sick. Even my mother who NEVER gets sick got hit by the flu Mac Truck this weekend. Life is life and it continues on regardless of what people are going through. Sometimes you just want to shake your fist and say “ENOUGH!”. I am hoping and wishing for all of the folks in my life that are going through something that whatever it is speeds along...so that a return to peace can come soon.

As for me, I will be returning to work in the office at some point this month I think. My doctor’s appointment is the 26th and I believe that after that visit, I will get a return to work.. There are so many things I want to do in my life and not a single one of them is going back to what I had before. But I accept with some resignation, the fact that until something else takes it’s place or makes some change for me, that this is just the way it is.

I have come across some pleasantly nice surprises with regards to my opportunities lately. My credit score is higher than it has ever been and that gives me some opportunities I didn’t think I’d ever have. There is some consideration of possibly buying a house, or maybe even being able to get a student loan and get back into my education. While I can take these options, financially I need to be more secure to pay for those options. And that leaves me right where I am right now. It’s a vicious cycle.

In other news, I got my tivo and thanks to Kyle and Mrs. Virgo am happily recording many shows now. I’ve watched several episodes of Trading Spaces on TLC and am recording many others that I just never managed to catch. It’s fun being able to watch things without the commercials. Thanks to Kyle and Mrs. Virgo for a successful electronics 101 party on Friday ;)

While I write this blog, and have many thoughts, I still feel like I’m in some holding mode before something else brings me to where I need to be. Does that make sense?

Today is a new day… and life goes on.

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WELL WISHES
I hope your Monday today is bright. Mine is grey and overcast, but that doesn’t mean the sun doesn’t shine in my heart. I send you my “sun" rays of light to guide you to a smile instead of a frown.

You are a blessing to me everyday.


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AND REMEMBER
There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame of that heats our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other. ~Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Thursday (insert witty title here)

"To find the universal elements enough;
to find the air and the water exhilarating;
to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter;
to be thrilled by the stars at night;
to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring
- these are some of the rewards of the simple life."
~John Burroughs

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Today is Thursday. One more day until Friday. The sun is shining and that in and of itself is glorious. I got my Tivo on Tuesday. Can't figure out how to hook it up for the life of me (and yes, I followed all instructions :P), so tomorrow I'm having a pizza party. It's lovingly being called Sue's Introduction to Electronics 101. Thankfully Kyle and Mrs. Virgo are available to come over and help me. Believe it or not as computer savvy as I am, electronics (wires, which goes where, etc) are still a mystery to me. These cords have been hooked up the same way for almost 4 years now. They were hooked up by my ex husband, and i've just never touched them hoping that I wouldn't need to. Heh... so much for that right?
Anyway, I am looking forward to Tivo. I'm a little late on the bandwagon for this little gadget, but there really wasn't a need for it. Now that I'm not gaming all the time however, there are some shows that interest me.
I don't really have much else to post right now. There are the usual mundane blahs about my life, specifically work related, but I just don't feel like giving them any more energy than I already have.
We'll see how my day progresses today :)
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WELL WISHES
I wish for all of you that the day goes well, there are no hiccups (least not of the life issues kind, hiccups physically are funny :D), and that you feel well. You are thought of everyday.
You are a blessing to me...everyday.
Muse

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Weekly catch up sort of... Long post

“In order to hear your calling and answer it, you must generously give yourself the gift of time. It’s not how fast you make your dreams come true, but how steadily you pursue it.” ~Sarah Ban Breathnach

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Lately I’ve been really trying to do some soul searching. Mainly I am just trying to find my soul, that which seems to be on vacation a bit… ;) But some days I get lucky and can find and reflect on the things that make me tick.

Watching “The Secret” has given me some insight. Unfortunately with my roller coaster emotions as of late, I am unable to completely hang on to the message. But luckily it’s been imprinted deep enough that in some cases, I need only reach a little bit further for the meaning of it all.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk for a while now. I even refer to this funk in earlier posts. It prohibits my creative juices from flowing so to speak, so writing is out; ATC’s are out; and sadly even singing is out. The end result is a listless, restless soul who more often than not paces her apartment, and avoids her blog for fear of posting something that may be only temporarily true (i.e. Sadness that is not permanent, restlessness that is circumstantial, and illness that seems to have no diagnosis but is hopefully temporary too)

I have been trying to come to grips with the differences in my life. Not just the surgery; not just the fear of having had cancer and the elation of no longer having it; not just the new energy I have from 40 pounds of weight lost; not just the depression swings from menopause; and not just being lost in some void waiting for something to change. I feel like I should be doing something. But I can’t figure out what.

I watch more TV than I ever did before. Despite losing almost 40 pounds (yay) I am now hitting a plateau and have no desire to walk, to lose more, to do anything. Thankfully I eat less, but sooner or later no matter how little I eat, the weight will pack on.

The good bit is that I DO have a desire to go out more.

See this whole thing is the problem. I’m no longer comfortable in my own skin. It used to be before the online world, that I was comfortable being a go-getter in a fast paced job, fast paced industry. Then my divorce hit, my being alone for the first time in so many years, etc. Then I became comfortable as a recluse, hiding from others by being online. That was ok for a while. Now, post surgery, due to many factors, I am no longer comfortable in the world that I’ve built for myself. I like gaming, but it doesn’t hold the same power over me that it did. I like all the contact online, but wish it was much more meaningful, less fleeting and less acquaintance like (NOTE: there are exceptions to this, friends I’ve met online, hell entire FAMILIES I’ve met through friendships online, who have become very true friends, I am not denying that I have made some very good quality friends, simply saying I wish some of the contacts I DID meet aside from those friends were not just people who are liars, and don’t care about others. Because those liars and others, have hurt me and some even wanted to use me.). I’m having a hard time being who I was and I have no clue who I am now.

Wow, you don’t hear from me for a week and I come here and just babble incessantly. Sorry lol, I’ll wrap this up.

Anyway, I miss blogging my thoughts, but do not wish to fall back into the same trap I was in when I first started blogging. Not so much because of how may people see me, but for how I see myself. I look back on those old posts and can say “I know what I was going through” and have some respect for my journey, but they still make me wince to read them. But I feel too as if my voice (literally) has been cutoff lately.

So I will make some goals today. Easy ones, that I’m sure to complete so as to help me get that sense of accomplishment, that always leads to bigger and better things.

~I think today’s goal for me is to sing. Simple, pure, easy… just sing. Somehow song and music helps put me in a different spot and being able to express vocally will help open my heart.

~I think the weekly goal will be to find and flip through “Life’s Catalog”. This is a place where I can look through the things that are available to me, but I have never claimed. I think I’ll create it even in my mind and make some choices for everything I have ever wanted and send it out just by my choosing.

~I think the monthly goal for February will be to make a vision board. Some type of place where I can list the “possibilities” that I will be a part of once I make the choices from “Life’s Catalog”.

I think now is the time for change if I can just keep my A.D.D. and emotional instability at bay long enough to see it. Wish me luck; this roller coaster ride is ever changing…

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WELL WISHES

I have missed doing these most of all. I have no idea if they’ve ever had an impact on you all who read them, but it gives me joy to be able to say “I wish for you…”. So today, I wish for you all to find your “Life Catalog” and look at it. I wish that you have the open heart and open mind you need to acquire the vision that comes with forward thinking particularly about yourself. I hope that if you find yourself in a funk as I have, that you feel my spirit out there going through the same thing. And most of all, I hope that the sun wherever you may be shines on you brightly warming your skin, and your soul. Even if you can’t do a single thing of these wishes, it is my sincere wish that you know at least, that you are loved. Truly.

You are a blessing to me everyday (in so many ways)
Xo
Muse

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AND REMEMBER

Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new. ~Ursula LeGuin

This is 47

In my acquired wisdom I've accepted: 1. That it's OK to admit I like girly things 2. That it's OK I didn't post this ON...