Monday; Infusion of Calm

So I've been through another surgery. Apparently I've come through it 100% successful. (In the back of my mind, I have to ask did I really doubt? With a name like P.O.E.M. did I *really* doubt it?). The answer is no, but that doesn't mean I wasn't afraid. And boy was I.

First thanks I must give to my mother. For putting up with me for the two days I turned into a nightmare. And for saving my life many times over. Also thanks to *Victor, Azza, Moggy, D.O, T.T, A.R, A.W, N.E, C.B for thinking of me, calling me, texting me checking in on me. I didn't really think there were that many who cared. I was wrong... Thank you.
*Names are abbreviated or not real names, they know who they are the public world doesn't need to know.

So today I'm trying to plan a return to work, and well looking at things a bit differently it seems than before. I'm not smoking, which was a blessed side effect of the surgery (One I was hoping on as a fail safe since I couldn't quit smoking before the surgery). That brings me to my current living situation. I live with a smoker. It was why I couldn't quite before, I hope fervently I will not succumb once I return home.

It is clear to me changes to my life need to be made. Not just for my health physcially, but also in other ways. Realizations are opportunities for change, and I'm hoping I have the strength to face these changes well. I'm turning 40, there is no better time than now to start living. One step at a time...

"54 Earth. Music by Paul Collier. an Alpha to Delta brainwave entrainment..."

Healing begins; Breathe & Meditate with Marcome - Relaxing Soothing Music

Two days after surgery, I'm amazed at how little pain I'm in. Like a child I sit in wonder at the medicines of the world & the technologies that allow us to do such things... And at the crossroads I sit, in awe of medical technology and reflecting on the past few days. Time to dust off the meditation pillow, I have a lot to work on it appears to me.

Thanks though to friends who were there, I would have been lost without you. <3

Angel's Breath by Paul Collier; Emerging Courageous

Emerging Courageous; Walking through Your Fear

Frequently, in walking through our fear, we discover that the strength of our fright was out of sync with reality.


The situations, activities, and individuals that frighten us remain static. Their relative intensity does not change. Fear, on the other hand, self-magnifies. It is when you are afraid and envisioning all that might go wrong that the energy underlying your fear grows. A tiny flicker of anxiety can easily develop into a terror that manifests itself physically and eventually paralyzes you into inaction. Though frequently, in walking through that fear, we discover that the strength of our fright was out of synch with reality. And we learn that doing what frightens us can lead to great blessings. Confronting your trepidation head-on will help you accept that few frightening scenarios will ever live up to the negative disasters that we sometimes play out in our minds.

Though fear is literally an evolutionary gift meant to sharpen your senses and energize you during times of great stress, it can nonetheless become a barrier that prevents you from fulfilling your potential by causing you to miss out on rewarding, life-changing experiences. During the period before you face your fear, you may have to deal with a barrage of negative thoughts and emotions. Walking through it, whether your fear is public speaking, taking part in an activity that makes you nervous, or asserting yourself when the odds are against you, may be equally as difficult. But once you have emerged unscathed on the other side, which you will, you will likely wonder why you assumed the worst in the first place. As you spend time worrying about what might happen, it’s good to know that your fear probably won’t happen at all. It may feel like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders, and you will likely feel a sense of passionate pride. Walking through your fear can! mean taking risks and can require both practice and patience. Since it is challenging to act when you are gripped with fear, start small.

Each step you take into fear will strengthen you and help you confront future fears with poise, courage, and confidence. You will also find that when you are willing to stare your fear in the face, the universe will always offer you some form of aid or support. When you see the heights of accomplishment and personal evolution you can attain when you walk through your fears, your faith in yourself will grow, allowing your next step to be easier.

So true for me as of late....Tomorrow is the surgery. I dont hold hands with fear so far today, though it was my companion yesterday evening. Lets hope I can remain unafraid all day today & through tomorrow.

Adele - Someone Like You; for someone special

It's funny that the closer I get to 40 the more reflective I get.

I recently was turned on to this artist whose voice is amazing. Not only that her music is lovely. the lyrics are usually spot on and at a particularly low point in my life, I heard some of her works that truly spoke to me. Last week I hit a very very low point. As I came out of that, I heard this song and it brought back some very powerful memories and some equally powerful realizations.

Now two days before another surgery I find myself reflecting on things & again this song came up in my playlist.

Many years ago ( I can't believe how long ago now!) I met a man online. A relationship started early on and developed over time to something quite deep. There are many parts of this story but the most important is how he moved me. I don't think back when it was going on I realized just how much he moved me...

Years later, knowing his life has moved on and realizing mine in some ways has not I find this piece to be particularly inspiring. How do you describe to people what a perfectly woven piece of fabric in your life feels like? How do you explain someone knowing you so well that you discover pieces of yourself you didn't know existed while you piece the fragments of a life together?

When things ended, decision were made by me in haste that cost me dearly. I realize I made those choices. But even those pains are not so fresh as to make me hurt. They are part of a (Dare I say love Story?) story that has a beginning, middle and end. The story is steeped in seeming fairytale, promises, joy, endings, and lingering emotions.

I miss him. I miss what we had that so long ago seemed perfect. I know what would be today would be different and I know even more so as my heart aches in the memories, that it can never be.

Finally, I think I can fully let him go. I can hold onto the warm memories with not so tight a death grip. I can let him go with a bittersweet love in my heart that will never go away. While I can let him go now, I can't forget him. He gave me such joy and I will be ever grateful for that. I wish nothing but the best for him. I miss him, but I wish him joy, love & peace; and I just want to say Thank you. Thank you for staying in my heart even when I didn't think you were there. But it's ok now. I can let his memories remain memories and let the love I felt back then soar free knowing that it doesn't pain me now, to know it existed.

Be well Mr Uber; I'm here if you ever want to chat as friends. Love to you and yours

Turning Tables

“Thinking TSO was the best thing I ever did is like thinking that the roller coaster is great but really the best part about it is the exhilaration you feel when you take the ride.”

I wrote those words on my forums to all its members, back in 2004 when I was playing my first online game The Sims Online. I re-read the words I write from time to time. I steeped myself in the memories mostly good, that TSO brought me yesterday. I was looking for a post to show someone and on the way to the post in question I found myself visiting several other threads. I hadn't even remembered writing this line. But it's a good one.

Lately I've needed to find “good lines”. I turn 40 in less than a month. I will be undergoing my 4^th surgery in my life in 6 days. I've been yelled at in the past two days by a few people and had the darkest day of my life in at least 5 years yesterday. I sat in the dark staring at nothing and when I wasn't staring I was crying. I literally cried myself to sleep.

The past in some ways has some hold on me still. There are so many good memories, very many good memories... but there are bad ones too. And the bad ones, some of them sting just as much as they did when they were happening.

People can be so callous. So misguided. So hurtful.

I truly cannot understand the person who says they have love in their heart that can spew such words of hate. I have to admit I'm impressed by the artistry displayed when using words as a weapon, in an attempt to push it all back on me. Very crafty, but I refuse the blame.

I take responsibility for my mistakes, my actions and even my screw ups. It doesn't feel good but it feels better to know I am responsible. I live in my heart, I love from my heart and I'm open to many people. But I dont live in my heart & pass judgments on people from high above.

The incident in my mind revolves around so much pain that a chunk of my heart which was ripped out a long time ago still bleeds at the mention of it all. It left me in a very dark place yesterday thinking of it all. It was a dangerous place where shadows entice with dances, and death calls on me like a long lost lover whispering in my ear.

It is thanks that I give to a friend in Australia, who stayed with me, live with me on messenger while he was working just to make sure I was ok.

When I get like that there is this outpouring of my heart, my sadness. And then there is this vast emptiness. The opportunity then becomes filling that emptiness with light. But if light doesn't penetrate I am vulnerable to a relapse. Luckily light wormed its way into the dark chasing the shadows away. For a time I couldn't hear the whispers from the past. I regained my strength and smiled.

The day began to look brighter, my heart lighter. I went out (and spent entirely too much money) but enjoyed the comfort of solitude. No roommate speaking to me. No phone beeping at me. No online obligations to tend to.

And for the first time in a while I picked up a CD. I'm listening to it now (I wish I could sing, but I have a roommate so I can't let free the songbird chirping for the first time in a long time within me). The words of the woman's voice resonate so deeply with my heart that I've been hitting replay over and over as I write. It lifts me, settles me down and lets me write. I had hoped to write something creative today but one of the many ways I work out poison in my heart is through my “pen”. And so here is a musing if you will on how hurtful people can be. It's a reminder too to think of the persons feelings. To look not from a higher perspective of judgment but from a place of compassion that allows you to understand that what you did hurt someone. It doesn't matter if you think you were right or wrong, doesn't matter how much time has past but you hurt someone. And you should own up to it. An apology takes seconds.... literally and it can save years.

Words for thought.

I forgive you, for making a mistake, for betraying me; for thinking you were better than me, for continuing to hurt me, for being in a place in life where you cannot or will not see other people properly. I forgive you because I no longer have to know you. I no longer have to suffer those torments. So I wish you well, and I hope you find your way to open compassion. I hope you can see what people say and accept it as their truth. I hope you will never have to feel the pain you have caused me in your life. I forgive you.Empowered Forgiveness

My own private hell

I sit in an unfamiliar place. Where people I once knew, treat me as if I wholly offend them. I marvel at the words that come from my mouth and check, and re-check them for accuracy but nope, they're the same I would have said any day prior to today.

But today I'm in hell.

I see people's faces through glass, the wall I purposely put up to try to distance myself from them. But I have to speak to them, interact with them and so I do... falling on the foundation built years ago when I first met them. Yet, today it's different.

My own private hell, a world where communication is ineffective, thoughts are scattered as well as unorganized and the benefit of the doubt means nothing.

And I've checked in to this place, for at least a week. Wish me, or my coworkers luck that we survive. I'm thankful for really loud music today too...

The hope for Love; farewell

We are such a lazy society.

When we meet people, if they don't meet every single need we think we want (or supposedly need) in a person, we run. Where is the option to work WITH someone? Where is the dedication to learning of someone? seeing what you will or wont do over time as you GROW to love someone? Where (or when should I say) did we become so selfish that our needs, were the most important thing when considering a relationship a PARTNERSHIP; as that's what a relationship should be.

Apparently they're lost along with the art form or writing love letters and taking the time to spell out our words to each other. They're lost in the speed of the internet and the on demand lifestyle we've become so accustomed to.

Farewell to love that with it's very advent into our lives, helps us realize that we really can and even WANT to do something because we love the person and love the relationship. Gone is the awakening that happens (over time) when you realize that something you didn't think you wanted years ago, you now do...something you may not have even thought of because for so long it was "this way".

I know I'm rambling and I know most people (if any who even come here to read) don't care. But this is my formal goodbye to love and even hoping for it, let alone searching for it. I just don't care anymore because no one else does either. So be it.

Easy like Sunday morning

Today for the first day in a long time, I'm relaxed.

The move is over. I'm settling in...slowly. There are still things to be addressed but in time. I'm playing my games, watching TV and in the old school fashion of things have been writing in my Book of Light for the first time in years.

It's a beautiful day (warm weather too!) and things are just... easy.

What a beautiful day.!

To the Muse of Fear

Dear Muse of Fear,

I know you're afraid. I understand why you're afraid. But there is no reason to be afraid. The things you think are the downfall of your freedom, the cause of your insecurity, or the tide that threatens to overtake your carefully chartered ship in the sea; are simply things you made up.

Yes, I said that to you. You've a lifetime of experience that most people will never understand. You focus on the darker sides of your experience too often. You can't be blamed for it, it was the way you learned to deal with things. You thought (and yes you can remember thinking these very words can't you?) “I never want to be jaded.... so like toys abandoned in a closet I'll leave these toys of despair tucked away. And if/when I ever feel like I can't understand someone else's point of view, I will take these out and remember”. The problem was instead of remembering from a distance you perpetuated these traumas and terrors.

These have led to a life of decision based on reactions from fear. Fear masquerades quite efficiently. It is the silent charade. It's so good in fact sometimes you don't even see it.

But I knew as I watched you choose a life of freedom 7 years ago. I watched as you fought for your life, and I knew then you wanted this. That fear wouldn't be your consort permanently. So now it's time Muse of fear. It's time for you to take the reigns and continue what you began so long ago. Repeat after me...

Freedom without fear

It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to admit it. It's ok to wonder, but do not mire yourself down in fears that have no basis in reality. I'll hold your hand and we'll make those steps together.

Let's start today.

Warmly,

Sue

Happy 2011! Goodbye 2010-Year end review

Every year I write a year end post. This year, I thought for a long time what I should write it about. I even reviewed my prior year end posts here (2005), here (2006), and here (2008).

Each year, I see some similarities. But this year I can say with pride that I have accomplished many of the goals I had aspired to do back in 2005, some in 2006 and at least one in the 2008 posting.

I have officially lost 102 pounds as of this posting. I read every single day even for 10 minutes, and I read holistic books, novels, fiction, and even classics. I pray everyday. I am beginning to love my body or at least find some peace with it. I've met with no fear the ghosts of the past and gotten some closure.

There are ups and downs as there always are. And while I find I have no philosophical words of wisdom to offer, I offer myself. My trials and tribulations, my successes and tears. I offer them for they are just as precious as inspired thought. They represent me, and I represent someone special in a sea of someone specials numbering in the billions.

I hope this year love finds me. I hope that I”m open to seeing it. I believe I am ready for an emotionally healthy relationship. It's been 8 years as of this writing for any relationship of any length that was healthy. There have been some who stood out, but none with the longevity that I seek. Perhaps I wasn't ready, but I believe I'm ready now.

For the first time since 2004 when I started blogging I have a small amount of financial security. It isn't much but it's mine and I hold it closely to my heart. I've worked hard to get here. When I look now to the future it doesn't seem so dark as it did when I started this public journey. I'm sure there will be storms along the way, in fact I expect them; but as I approach the big 4-0, surprisingly I'm not as afraid as I thought I'd be.

It seems as if I'm meant to be right here where I am. I'm ok with that, for the first time, I'm ok with that.

I continue with the list of aspirations that seem to help me so. It's short but it's of quality. Lets hope that in my aspiring to do these things, I inspire others to do great things as well. That is of course, my ultimate goal.

Aspirations for 2011

• I aspire to lose another big amount of weight and reclaim at the age of 40 the body I lost as the age of 21.

• I aspire to find myself doing something in a field of counseling or helping others in even a volunteer way that not only feeds my soul but also helps people feel better, do better, live well.

• I aspire to light candles for those I pray for every day. Again as I listed in one of my prior posts, they're small and quite possibly no one ever sees them but I like to think in a whisper they know someone is thinking of them and ultimately it makes me feel good.

• I aspire to finish my novel that has been in progress for a long time

• I aspire to finish my vision board

• I aspire to laugh more often

• I aspire to not take life so damn seriously.

• I aspire to be true to my self to be authentic in my journeys, wherever they take me, whatever foreign place I may land with it, I aspire to always be me and not what people think I should be.

• I aspire to love, even if I don't find a mate, a partner; I will aspire to be the messenger of love showing people that love can be felt in many ways and not everything has to fit a stereotype.

• I aspire to talk to my angels more, to allow them to guide me as I did in 2006 when even faced with a threatening disease I still felt empowered and alive.

• I aspire to go out more, to not be so afraid of criticism in peoples eyes, choosing instead to assume they look because they're amazed at my beauty.

• I will start my day in gratitude for at least one thing, everyday because to live in gratitude is to live in joy

• I will be more thankful for the little things and more vocal to others about it as well so they know they are loved.

• And I will find a way to put my quotes at my desk and offer them up to anyone who wants them. May they bring someone joy, like others bring me joy.

I am looking forward to 2001. With the passing of 2010 and no major hospital issues, I'm thinking the spell of health issues that plagued me might be lifted. I also will remember my mantra everyday: I am happy, healthy, wealthy, and... sane grin

We could all use some sanity in an insane world yes?

Wishing all who stop by here, joy, peace and love that brightens the darkest days. Know you are loved.

Muse