Foundations...

The foundation crumbles, it's weight born too long
Flaking away, pebbles of aged stone roll away
Weakening, unstable, still standing
Resovle ...
gone.....
The house of Cards
Unseen hand moves air swaying
Whispers of breathe fleeting
The eternal clock slowing while life ebbs
Toppling this madness, perfected
My hand held captive a single card grasped
But... I was placing that....
But...
I...
can't

©SKW

The Let Down

Sinking to my knees I sit
Where only a few days ago I stood on top of the world
You carried me up straight into the clouds
Heightened my senses
Out of the blue
The wind of change took me
Made me dance, twirling about
You came bearing your love
Carrying no apology, only offering
Humbled in your eyes light I sat …swept perfectly off my feet
Now, amid the dark clouds of uncertainty I sit again
Wondering if I ever could, would, should be a part of
The fairy tale
I had hoped I could be
Fairy tales are too hard to carry
Or so it seems…
You have let me down
And my heart pays the price.
©SKW

Hope for Love...

universe of justice
behind blind eyes she waits
bearing her cross
she sees a change coming
gripped in fear she shoulders the burden
hoping even in the smallest fashion
for the promise
the justice
of a heart torn...
rendered grey in it's loss
while she waits
tears of salty anguish
she hopes ...for love
©SKW

TGIF, you have no idea

Sleep? what's that... I got about an hour of it last night. I'm soooo tired and great now I'm emotional too because I didn't sleep. Not a good combination for someone who's empathic and wounded too. *sigh* The worst part about it, is I cannot find a creative shard in my body right now. Everything I want to write is sad, and that in and of itself is sad because I've just been part of a beautiful thing happening (see my post from wednesday this week). People go their whole lives and wish for something like that to happen to them. And I got lucky, and it happened to me.

The reason for my sadness is because the one I think I want ... wont be with me. Cant, wont, whichever you prefer, but he wont choose. I say the one I think I want because admittedly being swept off my feet is enticing and it doesn't help that the one I want isn't living up to who I thought he was. I dont want to settle though... so more time is needed on both fronts, however... in the meantime... i'm sad.

On the one hand I have a man who has searched for me for over two years, and wants nothing more than to be with me... yet he wont even call me when he says he will, (aside from other issues, that I have to deal with ...)

On the other hand I have someone that I have known for 7 months now who is so perfect in so many ways (dont get me wrong he has his faults too), but we "mesh" so well... yet he isn't strong enough to choose to take the risk. He doesn't understand that a "mesh" this perfect doesn't come along to everyone. And he admits to being afraid that we'll get together and find out we're not right for each other. So we live in delusion then? Is that preferable? For now while I recuperate and get my head on straight with some things, this is manageable... for now. We're on borrowed time, and if he's not there when I'm ready, then my heart will break as it says goodbye to him. But for now I will live with this... for now

Random poetry coming atcha

Without thinking I wore blue
I implore you to look deeper
see the pain just below the surface
It hurts, but carries a message too
that I am alive
I wish no pain to others
but hold mine close to my heart
It is familiar... my friend
and as it stirs once more
this pain makes me shed my tears
Today I wore blue
but my heart wore pain

©SKW

Beautiful Pain

such the tangled web we weave
agreements on principle negotiated in the dark
heart strings tied perfectly
I'd never understood the perfect delusion
Shrouding me in it's mystery of beautiful pain
raindrop tears crash against reality
to the sound of a thousand breaking hearts
you were always strong enough to hold my heart
the precious gem of the heavens....
fragile, wonderful, beautiful
but you were not strong enough to keep it
beating slowly, slower, slower....

(unfinished)
©SKW

Wednesday again.... wow time flies

Ok so I have had SOOOOO much happen as of late that is just proff of things happening for a reason. I'm almost overwhelmed with all the writing I have yet to do about it all... Let me give you the timeline lol that's probably easiest...

June/July - Dana and I start talking again after not having spoken for over a year
July - I send back the mailer to my high school stating that I wish to be listed on the alumni directory (previously I never was)
August/September - Dana tries to get me on Chicwit (www.worldwit.org, the chicago division)
October - I finally try to join Chicwit having been convinced it's a way to help get my writing published or at least point me in the right direction.
November 8- after three unsuccessful attempts to join Chicwit I send an email to the administrator asking them to admit me
November 11 - I start receiving the daily Digest of all emails posted to this group (over 7,000 members in teh group lol)
November 15 - I read the digest of posts from Friday November 12th.... and this is what I see

From: ana23

I can't believe how HELPFUL everyone was with my request aboutclassmates.com. I hope everyone received my thank you. I actually wantto share the story with everyone in case someone can help me.

My guy friend is actually looking for someone he dated in high school.The short story is that they had a great relationship, but he chosesomeone else and he has lived to regret it. BELIEVE ME. Anyway, he hasrealized that he was a big jerk and wants to find her to at least getthe chance to tell her that she was the best thing that ever happened tohim. If he had stayed with her his life would have been better andhappier. He knows this without a doubt. Even if she wants to spit in hisface he wants her to know that he has been miserable since and that healways thinks about her. He hopes she is happy and wishes her the best.



(ready for the best part? ... read on)





Her name is Sue Wilson and she went to Bishop Noll Institute in Hammond,IN. She graduated in 1989 and he got some tips but nothing has pannedout. The latest one is that he can find her through the Bishop NollAlumni Directory. So my next question is there any Bishop Noll graduatesthat belong to the alumni directory? Please e-mail me.Thank you,Ana

Ok so my first thought is how cool someone in this list went to BNI with me. Then I look again and i'm like HOLD THE DAMN PHONE!!! That's me!?!?!?! Major freaking out going on for a few hours lol. I emailed Ana back and she forwarded the email on to the mystery man.... Dan Diazzio. OMG Dan Diazzio? I haven't heard that name in years! He called my cell and left a voice mail message. It was so weird to hear form him again, like a blast from the past complete with memories... I called him back and after about 10 minutes of talking he insisted he had to see me to tell me some things. I had to give him credit, he was as he said thinking of me for 16 years, and searching for me for over 2... So I said yes, you can meet me. He came to Aurora and we met for dinner and had coffee afterwards. It was so awesome to catch up! There are details that I leave out because it's private information he shared with me, but I can tell you this. Several times throughout the night, he held my hand and looked into my eyes saying with so much sincerity I almost cried, that he was so sorry for any hurt he ever caused me, and that since that day we split he's known that he made a mistake. Oh my god!! I felt so special and cared for. It was SUCH an amazing feeling.

I feel so piviledged to have been in someone's heart for that time... and to be on their mind so much so that for over 2 years they sought only to find me just to hug me! I mean this is such fairy tale romance movie kind of stuff you know? and it revolves around me!?!?! I'm still in shock to this day. Dan felt he had some forgiveness to acquire from me and while I barely remember the things that happened I told him that he isn't now, who he was back then. I also told him that I would not be a good person if I judged him, the man on his actions as a teenager. And lastly I told him "it's ok...". I hope that it gave him some peace as it seems that's what he needed. He's a very genuine, hardworking, sincere man.. at least that's how he came across to me last night. I look forward to learning about Dan "the man", and being his friend :) this will definitely go down in my history of sue, as one of my most treasured moments... the moment that I felt so special that I could do anything.

Thank you Dan, for that gift you bestowed on me through your heart.


Random Poetry comin atcha (this one isn't random per se, it was one I wrote a while ago but I came across it again so yea... there. lol)

Temporary Flame
Strike bright the flame
Lighting up my naked soul
Seek the truth of me that only you can know
Drink in my vision of self
Know me like no one else
Love that which I am
Tenderly partaking of my warmth
Your soft eyesight seeing what you will
When burning your finger
The flame winks out
Dropping to the floor…a useless match
Leaving me cold, vulnerable, sad and afraid
Shadows layer over me covering the beauty
Tears gliding over the canvas of my heart
While you turn and slowly walk away
Tending to the tasks you must
In the life you lead
That only includes me temporarily
© SKW

How do you say....

I want so bad to be a part of something. this something is very special to me. And for it's minor flaws, it's beautiful. but for now I can't be a part of it, only peripherally can I be there... and this peripheral vision is just enough to help me blind myself from the reality that threatens it. A relity that is laced with a choice to be made that I cannot make because it is not my choice. However, it directly involves me. Everyday that this something lingers out there existing like it does, it becomes more of a bad thing rather than the good something it can be. It affects everyone involved even if they do not know about it.

I'm part of it, and I can't let go. The conscience I have says I will need to, the current mindset I have says not yet... and my heart is torn in between.

I just want to be happy

Random poetry coming atcha

you know what bothers me about that statement?
you know the one... the one you just made
is that in its spoken tones
you tell me this should be good enough
in its veiled meaning i know I'm worth more
what we have unspoken between us is the truth
that we choose not to see
for now.
you are right
for now
this should be good enough
how long will now be?
do you know?
no one does
©SKW

GAH i forgot my three things I'm grateful for!!!!

Man I'm getting old... i forget the promises I make myself LOL


At least three things I'm grateful for today:

1. That krami is back on yahoo... to hear thatdinging telling me I have a message and it's from her makes me happy...
2. That Dana understands me. Man what an awesome feeling to have someone "get it" when you talk.
3. That I have love. 'nuff said
4. That I feel... Without these emotions, anger, love, pain, joy I wouldn't be me.. and without my abilty to express them I would die.
5. For my mom, everyday I'm grateful to her whether spoken or not for ALL the things she's done and continues to do just for me.
6. Did I mention krami? I'm grateful for her too because she is just the most awesome teenager I know. She genuinely cares, listens, and is all around fun
7. For ALL my friends of ANY age, ONLINE or real life. Without you I wouldn't be who I am now :)

so now... at the end of my blog for today (well fornow :P) I give a poem to krami

Random poetry (haiku) for KRAMI!

Like the sun so warm
she gives me love and friendship
always my sweet friend...


and a goodnight to all of you, every single one...

May your night be blissfully peaceful offering sweet sleep and dreams of joy. May your morning be bright enough to warm your heart and fill it with love. May your day be full of the beauty that each of you is ...

Sunday omg is it really that early? 0_o

i'm so proud of myself.... today marks the first day i did 30 minutes. It is such an awesome feeling to have accomplished something. I've decided that my time spent doing this, will be time entirely for me. Focusing on what I can improve, or just genral well being. So in light of this, when I do these ... even the 10 min sessions, I light my candles, turn on my fountains, play my music and while I do this, I read. Something inspiring, motivating, or helpful. Doesn't matter just as long as it's what I want to do and it's for me. I'm so proud of myself.

In other news, ever have bittersweet happiness in your life? It's exactly like eating a bittersweet chocolate... sweet, but just that little bitter to give you a pause in your enjoyment. I have that in my life. I have it everytime i hear a certain thing ... no I wont reveal it, but it exists. Time presses on and still I move to the rhythm i know... so familiar now that to be without it is to be fractured. Time presses on to the ...... (intentionally left incomplete)

i'm tired now, but I'm going to stay up. Im' going to enjoy chatting with Krami on Yahoo and I'm going to play TS2. The last time I was in there I was working on furnishing this beautiful little home I had made complete with a pond and sitting area. I think I'll build a family there... the family I want to be. (ooooooh forshadowing?)

Random Poetry comin atcha

So many tears well up in my heart
I wont let them spill
I'm not ready to deal with them yet
Time hasn't run out...
But it does run.
I feel it moving faster, gaining speed
as my tears increase, the story in each painfully clear
the happiness, the desire, the longing, the pause....
time ticks on.....
tick tock....
one tear escapes
salty, sorrowful, honest,
I know, i know
I need more time.
©SKW

That DAMN DORITO! TGIF

So Thursday was ok, I had a good blog to report, I looked half decent... what's more important I FELT half decent. I got to lunch and ate my soup and sandwich and decided to splurge and have a few baked doritos and then it all fell apart. Ok so it's not that dramatic, but at the time it was. That damn dorito! Without the gory details, eating that single dorito cracked my upper tooth on the right side all the way INTO the gumline. OH MY GOD I have not felt pain like that. It hurt sooooo bad tears instantly sprang to my eyes. Now this tooth has been giving me some pain for al ittle bit off and on, but I have horrible dental insurance and even worse, no money. I mean I haven't had a single physical in at least three years of any kind. And the last time I had my teeth cleaned was two years ago and that was onl.y because I worked for the dentist. So here I am in pain, and the first thing that comes to mind is oh my god I dont have a dentist, and secondly... I'm going to miss out on four hours pay.

I called my mom and she got me into her dentist right away and after a short time on hold I bolted out the office door to go to the dentist. At this time, the tooth stops hurting soo bad, but now is just throbbing. Yet, I'm still crying. I just know this needs a root canal IF i haven't lost the tooth entirely and a root canal is $2k. I dont eevn know how I'm going to pay for this dentist visit. It's horrible!

I live on my own, I go nowhere, I do nothing and yet I have no money. I have NOTHING. *breathe*. My mom is going to take care of this. Yay mom, but DAMMIT I'm so tired of this. Since I've been married all the time we had bill issues and back then it was because of the lifestyle he wanted that I grew accustomed to. I enjoyed it as well but before the computers and the games, I had no concept of that. My idea of a good time was hanging out with friends. Mind you I'm not complaining in some respects because without that, I wouldn't know as much as I know about computers NOR would I have the friends I have. but... beyond that, we couldn't afford what we had and even after the bankruptcy it was still worse. Then towards the end of our marriage when we tried to get ourselves straight, because of layoffs we couldn't. Now my credit is shit and I had so many debts to pay that when we sold our house... *sigh* When we sold our house I got quite a bit of money.. over 10k, I have just over 1k in the bank now. THAT'S how many bills I had. I've paid rent as well with that money, and am striving to be able to pay all my bills on my salary but It's rough going and doesn't leave room for emergencies like this... so AGAIN my mom has to help me. It's so disheartening. It just makes me sad.

On the flip side I got to spend more time at home yesterday and I'm not going to think about the lack of pay, I'm going to enjoy the fact that I was at home.

The last downside is that I was so damn upset over the whole tooth thing that I didn't walk yesterday but for 5 minutes :( now THAT is a shame. I will make it up today.

In any event, i've decided that each day i'm going to tell myself just hos grateful I am for things and count off at least three things that I'm grateful for each day. EACH day. So I'll start today:

1. I'm grateful for my mother without whom I would not survive
2. I'm grateful for people that "get" where I'm coming from. Those that without having to spell it out can make me feel so comfortable about myself and what i'm saying that there is never uncomfortable silence.
3. I'm grateful for friendship. I'm grateful for people like Michael who loves me so, Dana who loves me so, Daved who cares for me despite my not calling him, and all my online friends who without seeing me love me just as much as those who do see me.
4. I'm grateful for my alarm clock too
5. and lastly for now grateful for days when my hair just goes.. i dont have to fight, it just goes lol. It makes life so much easier.

And now a quote I know from memory that I love: He who moves about the chaotic currents of life is never without trouble. ~Carl Jung

And something else for those that find they only need a tiny bit of inspiration. Remember, taking the first step to change in your life means, you're better already for having done just that one thing. In other words you dont have to have done ALL of something to reap the benefits of it. Enjoy each step because it's part of the journey of change.

Random Poetry comin atcha!

Open your sleep filled eyes
gaze at the ceiling
see what you feel today
choose your feeling
It is your choice
the dawn of awareness comes
everyday
will you take it?
Own it today?
Choose...
©SKW

Thursdays child was what again?

Anyone remember that poem, Monday's child was... I never remember it. I have NO idea why that came to mind. I was sooooo tired last night. I still didn't get to bed until 1:30am though *sigh*. my own fault I know. I'm not complaining mind you, I"m just stating a fact.

Kyle responded to my random thoughts on writing. hyperbole... hyperbole... Perhaps. Good comment Kyle. :) Well written.

So what's today's random whatever lol. I have NO idea. I'm just going about my day. Got up later than I wanted because I went to bed later than I wanted, so I didn't get to walk this morning :(. My plan is to take three half hour segments for myself in each day. 10 minue warm up, 10 minute brisk walk, 10 minute cool down. The average adult is supposed to get 30-60 minutes of exercise per day. I'm hoping to at least be in the ballpark there lol.

I'm at my job now. I'm supposed to be working but I just detest the work so much. It's just mindless and boring and the other half of the time I dont know what I'm supposed to be doing since it changes daily. But job searches produce nothing and I'm almost positive that I know why. My resume is quite well written, recently modified to be shorter, more concise and now that I have a plethora of skills behind me it actually represents true skills lol. Not just the re-worded single skill lol. I present well at an interview always. Dressed in suits etc. I know all the interview tactics, eye contact, body movement, etc. But things are different for me lately. While I know these things I'mnot as eager as I used to to make such great eye contact, etc. I'm looking for the place that wants someone who's natural, not stiff. Add to that my weight and you have one candidate who wont be looked at for a job. Sucks doesn't it? That this day and age where enlightenment is paramount, we still can't see past the box of an exterior to truly see the hidden gems. Because there inside that person you wrinkle your nose up to is someone full of such beauty... and they would share it too, with just a little coaxing. Granted being overweight is not healthy of course, but beyond that at least you can truly tell who your friends are, and you can develop a sense of beauty so deep...

But, I digress...

In any event, needless to say my job isn't changing any time soon so I should try to make it the best i can eh? I'm almost to the point of being able to live on my salary without depleting my almost non existent savings anymore. Unfortunately this means I go nowhere, do nothing, etc. I am happy that I'm on my own... very happy for that :). I've never been on my own, it's nice. But companionship has it's own merit too. However as we've seen I've covered that topic sooooooo much it's almost redundant even in the slightest mention anymore in my blog lol.

So lets move on shall we?

Today's affirmation from the Tao Te Ching (chapter 6)

The Tao is called the Great Mother:
empty yet inexhaustible,
it gives birth to infinite worlds.

It is always present within you.
You can use it any way you want.

And from "The Tao of Pooh"

"Lots of people talk to animals," said Pooh.
"Not that many listen though."
"That's the problem."

Where Tao represents, "In Chinese philosophy, the Way the ultimate and eternal principle of unity, meaning, and harmony in the universe"

Yea so that's the affirmation of the day, use the tao... it's within you and LISTEN fully with your heart.... Take that further and SEE with your heart... and KNOW beauty. I soooo need to get the Tao Te Ching, and the Tao of Pooh. I own neither though I've read the Tao online...

Random poetry comin atcha

The single leaf fire & gold
twisted loose from its home
fluttering, falling, dancing
twirling in its decent to rest
adding uniqueness to the collage
greens, golds, reds
somewhere infinte understanding is present
somewhere in the single leaf
becoming the vision
of fall
©SKW

OMFG HOLY CRAP MY A$$

ok so I shouldn't curse but I am so PROUD of myself. I totally did something for ME! and I liked it! I wont post what because it's my own but just know that tonight *I* made myself very happy and that should make YOU very happy *grin*


Screaming cursing crying
but i kept going
this is deserved
it's time for love
you're already better
my willpower is greater...
than that of my bad habits
these are my mantras
© SKW

If music be the food...

The lights await to burn bright, to shine in my face. Dark expectation blankets the auditorium. My dress rubs against my leg the beads dragging slightly, as I shift slightly waiting for my cue. My hand reaches up nervously to tuck a stray hair behind my ear. Behind me I hear the stagehands whispering commands and the bleep of walkie-talkies. Nervously I wait…. And then the music starts. Smooth, mellow and all at once all fear drains away. I lose myself in the rhythm of the song before it even starts. All the practice, all the clarity on notes, none of it matters as the song entwines itself around my very soul. My mouth opens to sing the song as only one who’s felt the emotion can sing it. Lights turn on and the audience claps for the songstress who enchants with her voice. My lips part as each note spreads across the waiting audience. Deep inside she awakes… the one who is passion. She joins in my song and together we sing of love that has never been known. She rises up causing me the puppet, to move to her demands as she sends out her message of love. The crescendo arises and my head leans back to let the escaping cry of music escape, lowering forward after it’s release… My breathe comes shallow as I whisper the last lines and the crowd already on it’s feet applauds. The celebrations of a moment that people wish to experience wish to feel, wish to share commences. Eyes shine with tears and arms move in their haste to applaud. As the curtain falls as I raise my eyes to the crowd with a weak smile …. She has spoken, the passion known as Calliope my muse of beautiful voice. She has spoken and has been heard and this moment has been one of joy.

I had this dream years ago. I knew not whether I was famous or simply performing one number. But I knew then I was meant to sing. I’ve forgotten this dream. Today my muse reminded me… and so I sing my songs even to my audience of one. This is my passion, my dream and though it means nothing to you, it is everything to me.


Random Poetry comin atcha

Giving in to the moment my heart sways
Stuck in the daily life
My heart dances free
My soul shares the joy hearing the splendor of music
And colors bright vividly pulsate
This has spoken to me
This music moves me
And so music remains…the food of love
Shall we then… play on?
Lets…
©SKW

I surrender...

Random Thoughts

Passion you say? What is that? Here it is as defined by Celine Dion. I LOVE this song....


There’s so much life I’ve left to live
And this fire’s burning still
When I watch you look at me
I think I could find the will
To stand for every dream
And forsake the solid ground
And give up this fear within
Of what would happen if they ever knew
I’m in love with you

’cause I’d surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it to
We’d make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I’d make you give them all to me
I’d hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

I know I can’t survive
Another night away from you
You’re the reason I go on
And now I need to live the truth
Right now, there’s no better time
From this fear I will break free
And I’ll live again with love
And no the they can’t take that away from me
And they will see...

’cause I’d surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We’d make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I’d make you give them all to me
I’d hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

Every nights getting longer
And this fire is getting stronger, babe
I’ll swallow my pride and I’ll be alive
Did you hear my call
I surrender all

’cause I’d surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We’d make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I’d make you give them all to me
I’d hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

Right here, right now
I give my life to live again
I’ll break free, take me
My everything I surrender all to you

Right here, right now
I give my life to live again
I break free, take me
My everything I surrender all to you

~ Celine Dion “I Surrender”

Random thoughts on Writing

Random Thoughts

I wish I could write like some of the famous romance writers do. there is some serious money to be made there for sure. I think my "love letters from heaven" series is a good attempt at that kind of writing but it is just that... an attempt.

I've been told I should publish. I look at my writing and go "this stuff???" But the truth is I have no clue about how to go and find a publisher. I have no money so I can't pay anyone. I tried to join chicwit (www.worldwit.com chicago branch) to see if maybe someone there had ideas, but their registration system doesn't match my numbers up when I click the link to register *sigh*.

I have a fear lately and since i've blabbed all my personal garbage in two prior posts I may as well post this too... My fear is this... that I cannot have an active "real life" and an active "online life" at the same time. That I will have to give one up for the other, and that i will have to give up my online life soon. I need to be more active and right now I'm coming home to get right on that computer sometimes until I sleep. That's not going to help me. I have so many friends online and some very special people, that are part of my heart. It would break my heart to lose touch with them simply because i'm not online. So yea, that's my fear and quite honestly that alone is what stops me a LOT of times from doing what I need to do...

Random poetry

delve deeper
see past the mirror
through the smoke screen
do you see me?
I barely know myself
my heart so big
my hands so small
my fear my equal
look deeper
can you see?
©SKW

Questions questions

Random Thoughts
Ok so this will sound really lame, but what is a relationship for anyway? Seriously. When I think of a relationship (my past one as the only example I can find) what were we doing? What were we hoping to accomplish... Is it just to share your life with someone? Is that all it is? Sometimes I get it, and others... I just dont. Love isn't always the "feeling" of love. But the desire to be with that person irregardless of that "feeling" but what do you do? Do you get into your own things with occasional glances to the other while you work? Do you share things together? Do I sound as retarded as I think I must writing this down? I just want to know ...

I was thinking of having coffee with someone soon, and when I mentioned it to a friend she said "is that the thing to do these day? have coffee?" And I just stared at her... I mean I didn't know. What else is there to do? I mean meeting people (friends) for the first time, is just a meeting. And for meetings it just seems to me that coffee is good... I dont know. Maybe someone can help me with this lol. I'm in such a weird predicament. I've never had a problem with talking to people, meeting, etc. Putting myself out there to make friends now should be no different ... but it is. See I've hidden myself away and selfishly only given myself to the online world and my friends that I've made there. I love what I do and wouldn't trade it for the world... meeting friends, knowing people in other states, heck even other countries... But now after two solid years of it, I'm afraid I've developed some fears about being out and about.

Man what is it with the uber personal stuff today. I'm seriously going to have to think about hiding this entry and my last one...

But for now i'll remain true to my blog at least and write it as I feel it, until I can't stand to see it in "ink" so to speak lol.


More random poetry (and thanks to you that have been reading this and have complimented my "random" poetry. I'm glad you enjoy it)

Lost among the flowers
a smile held captive
tucked away hidden like a rare rose
lost in the center of the field
such beauty abounds
such sweet fragrance in this field of flowers
but i am still lost
bright color of red silk petals
merely a flash against the field of yellow
who will see it?
the smile captive... my only beacon
hoping to catch the one's eyes
the one who sees
...me
©SKW

Wednesday - midweek and i'm STILL tired lol

So I went to bed at a reasonabletime last night. It was 1:30am. That's reasonable for me trust me. The past two years have been spent on evenings with abou 4-5 hours sleep MAYBE. The past few days, Mondya night alone I got 8 hours sleep in a night. It is a very strange feeling to be awake before my alarm. Anyway, I went to bed later last night than the past few nights, but I still slept ok. I did wake up at 6:30am though, thinking it was 8:30 and I missed my alarm. I was so convinced of it, that I actually got out of bed to go to my computer and check the time lol. So now it's 8:10am and I'm at my desk in the office. All I want is to go home and be online or go home and be in someone's arms until I'm reassured that it's ok to get up. lol I'm such a sap. But it's the truth. I've missed touch. Simple touch, a hug, a caress on an arm as someone walks by. The last time I had any touch like that was just far too long ago. I dont think being with another person completes me, but I know that without the intimacy of a hug or a simple touch in my life and NOT just from my mom or friends, without that... I'm dying. Slowly but surely. I've ALWAYS been a touchy type person and when I wasn't hiding from people I was quite popular, always out, always surrounded by people. I never wanted for that touch because I always got it. Now... Just over a year after the Official divorce date, (which means nothing, touch in any matter stopped 4 years before the divorce) and 4 months of being on my own I find I miss it more and more. My mom does it... she's gone her whole life without a person in her life like that. Do you eventually resign yourself to being alone? On the one hand I want to be there so I dont ache when I think of a hug, but on the other hand I dont EVER want to think that... It doesn't matter what's happened in my life, or what I look like now as a result of bad decisions. What matters is that I am a sensual, spiritual woman. I am a beautiful soul and I have so much to offer the one person that can see the outgoing girl that I was hiding in this shell of who I am and bring her forth.

*stops writing and reads her post* hmmm do I publish this? It's way personal....


Random poetry comin atcha

i woke up, your name on my lips
who was it I said?
I know not but the tone
its warmth resounding
awakening my senses
that single word spoken
in soft utterance, a gasp
you who stole my heart
stole my breath leaving me wanting
missing
longing...
©SKW

Quick story...

"yea so dont like get used to this or anything" the woman said from her hidden face as she fished for an item in her purse. I smiled knowing that what she was about to give me was the best thing I could ever hope for. She muttered under her breath some more and I could hear items clinking around in her bag... "Don't see as how this will help much nowadays... things being so expensive and all". Her hair greasy hung in front of her face. One could barely see past all of it, it was so thick and with her head hung down no one would ever know of her eyes if they didn't wait to see them. I had been priviledged to see them once... Somehow through that one vision I saw them and she saw my soul and a bond was forged. Strange the intricacies of life, how the web weaves us together.

"I GOT IT" she shouted with joy. "And it's all yours". She looked up from her searching, her smile showing a nearly toothless grin. Her eyes twinkled and her eyes crinkled at the corners while she held what I needed clutched tight in her hand. She leaned forward her blue eyes shining almost with a light behind them as she said "And I would only give this to you... it's my precious, my last one". She grabbed my hand and pressed the item into my palm. It was warm from the few minutes she had been holding it. Slowly I looked down at my hand and unfolded the fingers she had pressed so tightly to my palm. There ... there it was, the shiny quarter I had been seeking. It was the last in my collection that I needed. I looked up at her and smiled brightly thanking her profusely. I turned around and ran home eager to place it in my collection when all of a sudden.....



I woke up.
©SKW

For Shaun aka Eligius aka friend

Everytime I talk to Shaun i'm inspired with creativity so this random poem is for shaun in memory of our fun times in tso and our poetry wars....


paintbrush brushing
canvas breathing
new life
words spoken
hushed in anticipation
expression screaming
i am here!
tumbling faster
words falling
flowing like water
from my abundant mind
canvas stirring
images forthcoming
creativity happening
in a snapshot of time
©SKW

Thank you shaun :)

Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts
i was talking to al today. He's so nice, he's always checking on me to see how I'm doing. It's soooooo awesome to be thought of like that.

I'm still not sure what or how much or how little even I want to put in this so I'll stop here but i've kind of created this game with myself. how many random poems can i create ... kind of like poem du jour...


Random poetry comin atcha!

a single tear slipped
catching in my breath
why should i be so sad
i dont know but this tear
carries all
it knows...
as it slides down my cheek to dissipate
just like the memory
gone before it landed
yet forever in my heart
©SKW

yup it's me again

I posted a whole thing that was actually quite comical... my dsl at work sucks so of course, i lost it. *sigh* oh well. But that led me to see the most recent published blogs, so I thought hmmm lets see mine. I went all the way past 1100 and didn't see mine, so that means that 1100 people posted a blog right after mine. WOW

There has to be some way to harness all that posting power! lol

There were however some really cool titles. Saw one called Random Thoughts of a madman... lol had to chuckle at that one. I didn't read it though, maybe I should. ACK I'm supposed to be working. I just dont want to lol. I keep thinking that someday I'm going to stumble over the key that unlocks the door allowing for my happiness and completion to come through. I dont think i'm looking for perfection just the dang key... :P

I tend to get way too philosophical for my own good too I think so I'll pass out the drool catchers now for those who drool when they sleep. um what else. more off the wall poetry!


Random poetry coming atcha take 2!

whizzing by they scream at me
thoughts, straying off the path
so many I can't see them
but I know each one exists
who is the keeper of these thoughts
the controller that slows them down
surely it's not me
or i could breathe...
©SKW

ciao

Tuesday - just like any other day

So you want to read my blog eh? Well I'm not sure you'll find anything of interest here. I dont even know why I created this... perhaps a place to put mythoughts down lest anyone ever decide to be bored enough to read them. It's not that I dont think my thoughts are worth anything, it's just that I think my thoughts are average... same as everyone else. So why then? why the blog? well... 1. because I can, 2. because I think I might want to express myself and 3. because maybe just maybe you may find something valuable in here... some trinket that sparks your mind from the wisdom of my bored one.

maybe...


Random poetry coming atcha:

today I decided to make a step
i didn't look for the next one
i just went
tumbling, falling, not sure of anything
amplifying my deepening fear
that this is it...
all there is...
i still fall
will i ever stop?
will you catch me?
©SKW

tune back in for more if you're interested... later