A Night (Moon) for Poetry

Click the picture above for a full size shot. The complete poem is here:

Moonlight

As a pale phantom with a lamp
Ascends some ruin's haunted stair,
So glides the moon along the damp
Mysterious chambers of the air.

Now hidden in cloud, and now revealed,
As if this phantom, full of pain,
Were by the crumbling walls concealed,
And at the windows seen again.

Until at last, serene and proud
In all the splendor of her light,
She walks the terraces of cloud,
Supreme as Empress of the Night.

I look, but recognize no more
Objects familiar to my view;
The very pathway to my door
Is an enchanted avenue.

All things are changed. One mass of shade,
The elm-trees drop their curtains down;
By palace, park, and colonnade
I walk as in a foreign town.

The very ground beneath my feet
Is clothed with a diviner air;
While marble paves the silent street
And glimmers in the empty square.

Illusion! Underneath there lies
The common life of every day;
Only the spirit glorifies
With its own tints the sober gray.

In vain we look, in vain uplift
Our eyes to heaven, if we are blind;
We see but what we have the gift
Of seeing; what we bring we find.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
1807 - 1882

The Secret

“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” ~Joseph Campbell

"All that we are is the result of our thoughts" ~Buddha

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

~*~

Everyday is a journey for me. For some days it's a journey in the darker side, and still on others it's a walk in the sun. I've had many occasions to experience joy, awakening, and peace. Usually it's brought about by a good song, a long talk with a good friend, and sometimes... it's a movie.

90 minutes of my life at 3am this past early morning was spent watching a movie put together that truly empowered me. (The link is to the left and in the upper right hand corner of this blog). My post this morning, written when I should be in bed, but am just too eager to share the joy and peace and empowerment I felt after having watched it, is simply about... The Secret.

I empower you to watch the trailor. I offer you the link so that if you haven't heard of it, you can view it. And if you can manage it, spend the $4.95 and watch the movie online. It's 90 minutes of your life you wont regret spending sitting in front of the PC.

Do you want to know the secret? I did, and though I wasn't prepared for anything, I came away from it filled with everything.

You are a blessing to me everyday.
XO
Muse

This JUST IN!

I got my first post op test results back today. It's official! I'm cancer free!!!!!

What a day to celebrate!

Thank you so much for your prayers and support. It has meant so much to me!

XOXOXOXO

Muse

Kindness & Love

“By the accident of fortune a man may rule the world for a time, but by virtue of love and kindness he may rule the world forever.”~Lao Tsu - Chinese Philosopher

~*~*~*~*~*~

The day has started off well. I've read a few blogs including some notable posts from Sacred Suzie. I've revisited the past without fear, and spoken publicly about a dark corner in my life in another's blog.

I've been in some kind of funk lately. It seems that my life is going through the motions. I work from home (temporarily), I go out more than I used to, and when I do go out it's FABULOUS, but still; when I'm home, I seem to be waiting for the time to pass. Does that make sense?

But this morning, as I shared my story with Sacred Suzie, a feeling of strength built in me. I don't know what I will do with this strength or if it's just a fleeting reminder of the strength I had during a particularly hard moment in my life.

Then when I came here I thought, "My goodness, what do I write about?". And then I came across the quote quite by accident, that I have listed above.

I have for some time now, looked to helping others when I feel bad, when I’m sad, when I’m strong and have excess energy to give, and when I’m loving and wish people to know of the feel of true love. In some cases, this activity has become my defense mechanism, soothing my soul when it was in pain, simply by sharing with another.

I have no idea what this day will turn out like, but right now, this very moment while I feel the strength inside me to reach out again to people. I reach out to all of you. I wish right now I had the means with which to give every single one of you your favorite color rose. It may seem trivial, but to the people who know me either through this blog, or in online life or in real life, it is simply a genuine sign of love for you. I wish additionally that I could give you a hug, a big tight squeezy hug just to let you know I care for you. And I wish that my voice, that which saved me many times in the past, would become strong again and offer each one of you some little tidbit, advice, some offering. That it would breeze over you, and wash away your cares, wash away the blahs, and color your day with rose colored glasses even if just for a moment.

I have no post today other than the spreading of joy, peace, love, strength. Today is Thursday, and just like every other day, you are all loved. But today, I open my heart fully to you all. I stretch my wings and shine as only someone living in their heart can do.

Maybe it will reach you, and give you some warmth, or a laugh, or some joy. That is what I hope & wish for all of you today.

In love, light & peace
Be well today,

Muse

Serenity & Lady Selene

My anger has meant pain to me but it has also meant survival, and before I give it up I'm going to be sure that there is something at least as powerful to replace it on the road to clarity. -Audre Lorde

Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

~*~*~*~*~*~

The return of ladyselene.com has been initiated. Ladyselene.com was a website of mine I started back in 1997, centering primarily on the education of Wicca as I learned of it through my own journey. While I do not primarily practice Wicca anymore, the study of it, acceptance of it, and processing of its beliefs in my soul has led me on the path of spiritual awakening that I am currently on.

The site will return with an entrance to two areas; One side will be an entrance to the site as it was when it was taken down in 2003 (which will only be tweaked, not generally maintained like it was), and a second entrance to the new site, covering the spiritual journey I’m on now. This second entrance will be updated as I have time. It will be filled with quotes, stories, educations (as I read them), etc. It will also have a newsletter function like I had for the site back in its heyday. The newsletter will be (at first sketch) a newsletter of light, stories contributed by folks like you, and things I think are relevant to a centered peaceful spiritual existence.

First though I have to find my copy of FrontPage :P I can’t find my install disk and that means that I have to work on my tower versus my laptop, and that’s not fun ;)

Oh and if you visit the page today, be patient ;) I have yet to go through all 68 pages of the site to fix broken links and such. Though if you wish to report those links you can do so by emailing me either at suekw71 at gmail dot com or at selene at ladyselene dot com. Either one gets to me .

~*~*~*~*~*~

DAILY INSPIRATION
The Habit of Happiness, a good read by care2.com, check it out on Digital Soup online!

~*~*~*~*~*~

WELL WISHES
I lit candles for several of you today. Why don’t you return the favor and light some for someone you love. Remember, the more that are lit, the more chance I will make another candle book free for download.

It is my sincere wish today that the day heralds good “soul food” for you. There is nothing quite like seeing the world with new eyes everyday. Even a fleeting vision of the world in a different light is enough to light up a thousand souls. I hope your soul gets lit up today, and everyday. And if it doesn’t, if the day is just too much for whatever reason, know I’m holding a torch for you and I will gladly help you light your spirit with lots of hugs.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

~*~*~*~*~*~

AND REMEMBER
Don’t forget about the Live Chat link on the left side. Should you ever want to talk to the muse, I will be on that most nights, after 5pm cst (though you might catch me earlier on some occasions)

Live Chat

I've added a link to the left of my page here that will allow you to chat with me live, should you wish it. I make no guarantees as to when I'll be sitting here, but if you should wish to try it will tell you if I'm here or not. I welcome you to try it :) I would love to say hello to some of the folks who brighten this blog owners day :)

Vision

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” ~Proverbs 29:18 “The Vision you hold is the calling out of your inner soul, the higher self, encouraging you to pursue its fulfillment. The experience of realizing your Vision will help you grow into what you are meant to be.”~Jim Lee “Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask yourself this crucial question: ‘Does this path have a heart?’ If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn’t, then it is of no use.” ~Carlos Castaneda
~*~*~*~*~*~

There are so many things I could write about today. First and foremost though, I have some thank you's. Thank you Mrs. Virgo for an AWESOME Saturday :) We went to a Japanese Market called Mitsuwa and had a fabulous lunch of Dim Sum, and many other delectable treats. We even went to Jamba Juice! WOOHOO! Being around Mrs. Virgo is good food for my soul. There are not enough thanks you's for that, but I can at least verbalize a thanks for the wonderful time.

Thank you's as well goes out to AG and his family. For the many reasons you know, I send thank yous and hugs and thousands of kisses. You are very special to me.

Aside from these thank you, there are other things to be discussed. One of them is my blog silence. I suffer each day from the hormonal (or lack thereof) emotional swings that is associated with menopause. Mine are very bad as it's a forced menopause, (my body wasn't ready for it). I've had some days reminiscent of my high school days when even as a teenager I was filled with angst and had very dark thoughts about my life. Any of the precursor reasons for the emotional upheaval are valid; (i.e. bills, medical personnel being jerks, not being able to be where I want in my life). But the intensity with which I feel these things is scary. I've kind of in a way withdrawn a bit from people because of it. Though there are still a few who see it (sorry Mr. Uber :( ). I do not know what to do about it. I've put myself on an herbal remedy that seemed to help years ago, but as much as they DO help now, it seems it's not enough.

I must figure out a way to combat this. it makes me cry incessantly as I feel I'm going insane. I'm going to have to examine going on hormone therapy. But before I do, I'm going to hang in a bit more and read everything I can about combating this without drugs. I'm hoping that I can find something that I can do to help alleviate this so i can feel less like I'm a lunatic and more like I'm a person leading a normal life who luckily was able to skirt away from the far reaching tentacles of cancer...

We'll see.

As far as my job search, no activity has been happening. I've sent out some resumes, been on one interview and as I thought, they haven't called back. The girls I interviewed with were a combined weight of 140 pounds sopping wet, and everyone else there looked like they just came out of some hip fashion magazine. I also think that they may think I'm too much of a risk. I went against my mother's advice and told them of the surgery. My thought was simply, if I have to have off for post op follow ups (as I have them scheduled already), I didn't want to have to lie about it. We'll see if they'll surpass my expectations and offer me a job.

I'm applying at some other places, in the hopes of being able to go somewhere new soon. I truly do not want to go back to the office I’m currently employed at. I do not want to deal with that kind f negativity anymore. I do not want to have to put up with crony and the hens as they judge my life and me. And it should be noted here, that my mother got a small taste of crony the other day when she went to pick up my check. Crony asked how I was, and my mother told her I was on my third antibiotic and no one can figure out what's wrong. And crony immediately began to tell her that being on so many antibiotics wasn't a good thing. My mother calmly just told her "The doctor prescribes them, I'm sure they know what they're doing".

I do not want to have to answer questions to anyone.

I haven't lost any more weight than I last reported, but I haven't gained any either. This is a good thing. I also haven't for various reasons been able to walk at all the past three or four days. This will change soon as soon as I'm not so sore.
And there has been no change on the love front. Though I don't think I expected one so soon. I've been lied to lately in a very serious way. Someone tried to take advantage of me after my surgery, and they almost succeeded. I'd be a liar if I didn't say that they hurt me badly. But they didn't break me and that's what's important. I am however stunned as to the type of person that would take advantage of another, especially after what I've just been through. It doesn't matter how used to the nastiness of people I get, I am still shocked when someone abuses me. I still sit there and say "How can they do that?"

Enough about that, I wont divulge the feelings swirling inside me about this publicly. Those close to me that I have spoken of this too, know a fair amount of how I feel. I just wont perpetuate that negativity here in this blog.

I had a really good morning the other day. I went out on my deck where it has just snowed. It was beautiful. The first snow always is. I sat there while the sun danced across my closed eyes and for just the briefest moments in time (or so it seemed), the deck fell away and was replaced by sandy beaches of white. The cars rushing to and fro through the intersection miraculously sounded like the pounding of surf instead of the onslaught of commuters. And for a moment, while I saw no sign of the traditional pink umbrella on the beach, I was still at peace. It was a great wake up. And one I hope to see again. Had I not been cold (ok damn near freezing), I would have stayed there longer, pushing my vision harder to see the pink umbrella that is always signifying her presence to me, and if not her, the calm she exuded.

Last though not least I have been working on a project with a partner that I think can be of large benefit to the online writing community and has the added benefit of propelling Utopia Skye in the direction I want it to go. If you're interested in this idea (I know I'm not leaving many details here), email me at suekw71 at gmail dot com. I'm looking for opinions on the project which involves writing, educating, and assistance to those who are serious about their writing, all in a themed environment peer to peer driven. Does that whet your appetite? It should ;)

For now, I'll leave you with this long post and well wishes for a beautiful Monday. I hope that whatever you're doing right now, it's "got a heart" (see above quote) and it feeds your soul.
You are a blessing to me everyday.
Xo

If you like Pina Coladas...

*sings out loud* And getting caught in the rain...

I was tired of my lady
We'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read

"If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape."
I didn't think about my lady
I know that sounds kind of mean

But me and my old lady
Have fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet
I thought it wasn't half bad

"Yes I like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food
I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red-tape
At a bar called O'Malley's
Where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, "Oh it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, "I never knew."

That you like Pina Coladas
Getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean
And the taste of champagne
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes of the Cape
You're the lady I've looked for
Come with me and escape.

~Rupert Holmes~

I have that song running rampant through my head today. It's being chased by a power size Pennya Kowlada®. Oh, the pineapples, yogurt, and delicious coconut. The exotic concoction calls to me much like the ad did to the writer above.

I've never been one for personal columns, but maybe if someone liked pina coladas, they could show me the way to the nearest Jamba Juice and we could sing the song for real!

I'm off to Jamba Juice ;)

Storytime on Friday; Permanence; The Dream

It’s just like a tiny fire…” She thought to herself, as she looked at the ring in the satin green lining of the ring box he presented.

An eternity spanned a few seconds and the minutes overlapped in their haste to catch up to reality as she stared numbly. The ring, so little was such a huge symbol to her. And here it was presented as if an award, a trophy, the prize… someone else’s heart. The stone was the most beautiful fiery opal. Her mothers voice interrupted her thoughts, "an opal should only be given as a gift". She chuckled inwardly, well mom, this is one heck of a gift. She smiled as she watched the light capture each facet of the opal, shimmering first green, then blue and finally light red flecks. The band was classically called a cathedral mount of platinum. It was a beautiful masterpiece and as he had told her, “It must be a beautiful masterpiece, for I’m giving it to the master of beauty”.

She looked up at him, her arms crossed against her chest as if hugging her tightly they could stop the rapid fire beating of her amazed heart. He simply smiled. The ring the mediator between two contemplating becoming one stood silent. In its very existence the future was portrayed, history played, memories created even before being slipped deftly onto the finger of its intended wearer.

He broke the silence first softly speaking, his words slightly trembling, as his fear of her saying no became evident “There is no rush honey, but this is my offering to you. My offering to share everything that life throws at us, side by side.” He watched her face as he spoke careful not to read too much into what he saw, but trying very hard to see something that would give the weight on his chest reason to move.

Continuing on in her silence “Most men are afraid of commitment, we’re afraid of losing control. We’re afraid of being a part of someone’s life with a commitment because it’s demands something of us. At least that’s what I think” He looked away for a second trying to gather his thoughts it seemed before speaking again. “But I know that this commitment I make to you with the help of this ring, is an extension of the commitment I already made to you when I said I love you. Because this ring doesn’t define us, it simply declares loudly for the whole world to see LOOK! We DID IT!!”

He grinned at this his hands going up in the air, the ring box moving out of her line of sight for a moment while he gestured. He noticed that her eyes followed the box before snapping back to him. He closed the ring box then, and put it in his pocket as he smiled. His smile was one of such warmth. It caused him to practically glow, his thin red lips curving upward while his brown eyes glowed with intensity. His face rugged around the edges, but soft in touch beckoned to her while he smiled at her, reaching his hands to her. Touching her delicate milky skin he put both hands on her cheeks and leaned in kissing her soft lips. Looking into her eyes, as he pulled back never dropping his hands from her face he continued in whispers now “And I want to tell the whole world, I did it… I found the woman who showed me what life is for. The women who I will defend, love, laugh with, and share with for the rest of my life. There is no other like you, and I know in my heart, that vessel which threatens even now to burst from my chest”, at this he grinned and continued still “that there never WILL be another. This, I promise you”. He wrapped his arms around her pulling him to her in a hug.

Heart to heart rapid beating, it was then she knew. She breathed in his scent inhaling the perfume of love. It was definitely a tangible, something real. So many she knew wondered if it existed. Today, she knew. She remembered their arguments, their laughter, and their nights alone. And she realized that this WAS what it was all about. She had lived such a hard life, abuse, shame, hardship. She had been so confused even growing up about love. But there was no confusion today. She knew it wasn’t about sex being love, because it could not be… She knew now as if she had known it all through her scarred lifetime, that love was the melding of two souls. It was the distinct unique qualities of two individuals retaining their identities and individualities as they became one. And for the first time in her life, as she clung to this man, holding him his heart beating against hers, she had no fear.

Whispering to him “What a blessed feeling to know. My soul will never forget this moment, this awakening”.

Stepping back from him she asked him softly “May I see it again please?”

He smiled again and withdrew the box of the future from his pocket. Holding it out to her he opened it gently and the light caught the opal in a shimmer of brilliance. She leaned in closer for a look and then looked at him and said, "Something’s missing”.

He looked at her quizzically his mind racing “Damn what did I miss?” he thought to himself. His mind went over the day’s events, they had gone out for a special candlelight dinner in a restaurant that had cozy corners. They had done her favorite thing, walking along the pier listening to the fog horns and birds calling while they shared dreams. They had then come to his home where a friend had helped him by coming in earlier to create a candlelight path to the living room where a roaring fire had been built (and had thankfully snuck out in time out the back door). And even the wine was chilling on the table next to a single rose. His brow furrowed as he thought aloud “Did I mess up?” His heart sank to think he could have messed this perfect moment up.

He looked into her green eyes flecked with gold and she simply smiled. In the smile he was comforted as her joy and love was evident in the way her red lips curled up, the way her nose wrinkled slightly when she smiled, and the way her eyes twinkled. He was captivated indeed. She spoke softly then “This is a beautiful ring, but whatever are you trying to tell me?” Winking at him he got it, and without a moments delay he got down on one knee.

The prepared speech he had taken a full day to memorize completely forgotten as he looked up at this vision of beauty and love, he simply stared for a moment into her eyes unable to speak. Her chestnut hair so soft against her shoulders radiated in the firelight. Her eyes almost had a luminescence to them as she gazed at him and he realized then that he was staring. Clearing his throat, he reached for her left hand, and wrapping hers in his he was rewarded with a reassuring squeeze of his hand as he breathed deeply to speak.

“I … I uh prepared a speech, but it has no meaning now. Not when placed in front of the glory that is you. “ He looked into her eyes speaking from his heart now letting go of reality to speak in the terms of love. “There are no words to define the music, the essence of love. I am humbled in its sight as I’m humbled every time I see you. I realize I’m just a man, and without you I will remain a man. “ He looked down for a second and when he looked back it was clear to her as his eyes watered ever so slightly that he was speaking of passion and from the heart. “But with you”, he whispered “I can be anything. I can DO anything… I can survive anything. I want to share everything, hear how you feel about things, and learn how we can be what others only dream of.”

He squeezed her hand back then and let go of it for a moment to fumble with the ring, pulling it from it’s soft satiny interior. It felt like permanence in his hand and he wasn’t afraid. Smiling even as he heard her gasp a little and laugh softly as the moment swept her away, he reached for her hand again trying to be so very careful that he didn’t shake as hard in his grip as his heart was inside his chest.

“Please give me the honor of being part of the existence of beauty, for the rest of my life, in good and bad for as long as we live” Having said that he slipped the ring that perfectly fit onto her finger while gazing into her eyes.

Her right hand over her mouth she couldn’t help but laugh softly in amazement. All her life she had thought it couldn’t be true, most especially not for her and yet here it was. She wanted to savor this moment… lock it in her memory forever. Then when she could stand it no longer, she said softly “I love you with all my heart. Yes, I will be by your side” Smiling widely she tugged at his hand and pulled him to her. Their faces mere inches apart now, she smiled, breathing deeply. Her heart slowed it’s incessant beating, growing comfortable in this love because it knew she wouldn’t be alone.

He leaned in without hesitation, his heart once beating so hard now permanently it seemed, stuck in his throat and kissed her. Their lips joined, becoming the seal of a chapter in a journey that they had started together and would continue together…for as long as they lived.

©SKW

White Knuckles

need a fix man. need that Jamba.

Is it time yet?

Oh wait, it has only been a few minutes. Ugh. They don't open for another 10 hours. Sigh.

Caribbean Sunset & Caribbean Passion

Sitting among candlelight, talking of all things life, making our favorite body scrubs; my best friend and I reminisce of the old days. We talk of all things scent, all things good for you, all things food for the body.

Which brings me to the current wish: I WANT MORE JAMBA JUICE!

Ok so I already had a power Caribbean Passion . So what!?

The latest of tantalizing body scrubs put together tonight resembles the caribbean shores visited whenever I drink my favorite jamba Juice nectar of the gods: Caribbean passion. I think I'll call this concoction Caribbean Sunset, to go along with my jamba juice.

So, now it's nearly midnight and I'm craving Jamba Juice...AGAIN.

Why aren't they open late? *sigh*

I want Jamba - again and again ....

So I am at one of my best friend's house and we just chugged down a power size Jamba Juice. Yum. When can we go again?

Aloha!

The snow is melting (thank Jamba!) and I sit here daydreaming of the sandy shores of Hawaii. Beautiful lush landscapes, dazzingly bright sands, brilliant waters. I envision sitting in a lawn chair, reclined (of course) and having some enchantingly devastatingly sexy waiter bring me over a Power sized Aloha Pineapple from Jamba Juice.

The drop dead gorgeous waiter walks to me slowly, the sun radiating off his golden tan neck and arms. He reaches me, and bends down slowly, almost sensuously, while my eyes widen at the size of... the power drink he has in his hands.

Ahhh, the daydream. Time for more jamba juice methinks.

I think today I'll go bold and get an immunity boost, after all in reality it is cold here and I need to be healthy... especially for the tan god that will eventually deliver me a refreshing Aloha Pineapple (someday ;)

Getting Healthy; Another Success!

Minutes: 31
Distance: .70/mile!
Fat Grams Burned: 36.1
Calories Burned: 116
Pounds lost: 1 (since yesterday)
I've officially passed the plateau of 30 pounds lost by losing an additional pound. Go me!

I think today is a Jamba Juice day ;)

Tuesday begins; Small update

"Here is a mental treatment guaranteed to cure every ill that flesh is heir to: sit for half an hour every night and mentally forgive everyone against whom you have any ill will or antipathy." ~Charles Fillmore

~*~*~*~*~*~

Today's quote bears no resemblance to current events in my life, but it is a good one; one that many should heed as relevant.

As for me, today I'm posting that for three days short of one or two hiccups, my fever has been 99.9 or under! This is great news! I still have to see the infectious disease specialist, and I'm still waiting on my first post op screening results, but the reduction of my fever is a good thing in many ways.

I find that I'm bored a lot lately. Before the surgery, and even before that when i started to get really sick, I had no energy. I couldn't go anywhere because I was afraid of the things that "might" happen while I was out, that were beyond my control. Now after the surgery, I find that most nights I tend to go out on my balcony a lot. I do have menopausal sweats, so I go out a lot to cool off, but I also go out a lot because I have nothing to do.

The things that appealed to me before (gaming) do not appeal to me as much as they used to. Sure, they're fun, but they're back in their right perspective; a game, not life. I have such drive to continue on the course I see before me (school and such) and I have so many dreams of things I want to do. But I'm severely limited right now. Money is extremely tight (I'm still having to rely on others because of my change in work; salaried versus hourly pay) and almost anything I want to do to get started, even that first step... requires money.

I've also noticed aside from some noticeable mood swings, (Thank GOD for St. John's Wort, it truly helps me out) I've started to develop a relatively short fuse when it comes to people who annoy me. By that, I mean people I’ve had conversations with who insist upon doing the very things I've asked them not to do(like for instance, messaging me with *Huggles* repeatedly). Before, I would restrain myself and would ask them AGAIN to stop doing whatever it was that bothered me. I would still be kind and diplomatic. Now, I just find that my temper gets the best of me with respect to this more often than not. Menopause? Or standing up for myself? You decide...

I can be compassionate and full of love, don't get me wrong; but I do not need to be a doormat for people either, just because I am open and loving.

There are two bad side affects to being bored.

1. I continue to walk into the kitchen thinking I'm going to eat to stave off the boredom. And even though for the most part I’m successful as pushing this off, I must find a way to change this and soon. I've kind of hit a plateau at 30 pounds lost (so far, I haven't weighed myself today) and I have so very much more to go.

2. The frustration at not having anything to do makes me insane (lol!). Hence the emergence of the ATC's again, trying to write, etc.

Overall, today is starting as a kind of blah day. Not much going on, I'm a bit tired, my fever is low but my skin is warm to the touch, I have very little work to do, a lot of house cleaning to do, and not any fun stuff to do (not that immediately comes to mind; not until people get home from work etc).

But despite the blah day today, in some small way...I am content. I have a roof over my head, food if I want it, people I can call, strangers (& friends) who look forward to reading what I write, a job that gives me "some" money, and…

I have my life.

So whatever about this blah Tuesday, but I remain in thanks regardless for the continuation of my life.

~*~*~*~*~*~

WELL WISHES
Today I watch the snow melt under the heat of the sun and I'm reminded that even though times can be cold, the sun always comes back to warm things up. I wish for the sun to warm you up today wherever you are. May the day even if it's a "blah" day, still give you the sweet caress of a breeze on your skin, the cold scent of the season, or the warm reminder that life is beautiful, as are you.

You are a blessing to me everyday

XO
Muse

It's Snowing

Blast the snow! As I sit here wrapped in three layers of clothing, watching the lazy snow fall, I'm struck suddenly and without warning by a particularly hard craving for ... yup, you guessed it JAMBA JUICE!.

Suddenly images of succulent mangos, pineapples, peaches and strawberries dance among the falling snow. It's all I can do to hang on to the railing and not bolt immediately out the door. not only would I scare half of the populace by my haphazard (at best!) appearance, but I might slip and fall and well then I wouldn't get to fulfill the craving for jamba juice. It's so cold outside, but my heart warms for Jamba Juice. Deliberations get stuck in my head:

"Do I go?"

"Well...it's snowing, and the roads will be slick."

"But It's JAMBA JUICE!"

"Yes, but it's almost bedtime!"

"But the bananas are calling me!"

It's kind of like a song that gets stuck in your head, only better because it's about Jamba Juice!

Imagine me and you I do...

I think about you day and night

It's only right

To think about the drink you love

And hold it tight

So happy together

If I should call you up invest a dime

And you say you belong to me

And ease my mind

Imagine how the world could be

So very fine

So happy together

I can see me lovin' nobody but you

For all my life

When you're with me baby the skies'll be blue

For all my life

Me and you and you and me

No matter how they toss the fruit

It had to be

The only one for me is you

And you for me

So happy together

I can see me lovin' nobody but you

For all my life

Ok, so the daydream and music sits in my head, the snow continues to fall, and while I envision jumping hand in hand with a power size Caribbean passion on a splendid beach somewhere foreign; I begin to consider the newly implemented... CURB SIDE PICKUP that Jamba Juice has to offer.

Slowly, I grab my keys... and hope for the strength to survive this wonderfully delicious, appetizing, fruity, tantalizing, but oh so sweet addiction.

Bah, forget this, I'm off to Jamba Juice!

Getting Healthy; One Day at a Time

This is more a place to keep track for myself, but those who would like to share in my successes may post their thoughts here too.

I walk everyday. I have a minimum requirement for walking. It's very small and very tolerable. But while I allow myself the flexibility of being lazy on some days and accepting the bare minimum, I'm trying to be better at pushing harder for that which I know to be helpful. Today marks day two where I have met my goal.

I am proud today and because I am proud of myself, I am proud of you and you can experience this too through me. That is the purpose of life, to share and relearn through and because of each other. So today I share this with you, that I may experience it again through you and vice versa.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

XO

Distance Walked: 1/2 mile

Time: 30 minutes

Fat Grams Burned: 30g

Fat Calories Burned: 96.6

Reviewing 2 years of Blogging

I went through today and finally finished the long standing project I had, to put labels on ALL my posts in blogger. That's over 350 posts, as i've been blogging since 11-9-04. I decided as I hit the 2005 years and before, to create a new label specifically for those posts, in addition to any other labels the posts fit under. I've called it B.C (Before Conscious Change).

Several times when I've been reading my blog, I've thought to delete those posts. I was so angry, so dark, so depressed 98% of the time. I had no idea what I was going to do with this blog and everything is so random. it wasn't until 1-2006 that I decided tentatively what to use this for. So reading those prior posts for me is an exercise in self awareness, compassion and avoidance of embarrassment for my words.

We are all on a journey and at that time, I was on a very dark path of expression for all the hurt that my very recent divorce (back then) and other things left within me. I've stayed my hands several times from deleting those posts because no matter how dark they are, or embarrassing, they are my posts. They are my snapshot of where I was in those years. Publicly I wish you could read something a bit more composed, but those posts are my truths as I saw them back then.

I do have to say though, I did delete a few posts. Nothing major, and trust me I've not let my embarrassment be the deciding factor when I deleted a post. But a few were just way too personal.

Anyway, I thought I'd let you know that I'm much more organized with my labels and explain my thought process on the changes.

Be well Friends.

**Libra Moon Goddess, special hugs to you today. You make me smile when you visit here **

XO
Muse

ATC - A Moment Unfolds

For this one, I originally wanted something about winter. But as it turns out as I was working, i saw this great picture of a vase with some zen stones. And against the snowy glitter backdrop it truly looked like a moment unfolding. So voila!

The words for those who can't make them out are:

A MOMENT UNFOLDS

Stay in touch with what's happening in front of you

(Sorry for the pictures, I'm having a hell of a time trying to get them just right with the lighting and the glitter and/or gold. bear with me, hopefully they'll be better soon. )

ATC-Life in Balance

I saw this wondeful ad for a spa and resort place, and the images were just so relaxing. I think that making these ATC's for me, eventually will be more than just crafty. I think that sometime in the future I will give them away to people. But I want to hone my abilities on this practice. I want to make messages that are small enough to carry, beautiful enough to appease, and peaceful enough to bring joy. So here is the second one I made today. Tell me what you think.

ATC - Just Desserts

I'm trying to do better at the ATC's. I haven't practiced in a while, but I did find in all my craft things, gold paint, matte finish, and a TON of magazines and papers. So today I made a new ATC Called "Just Desserts". The gold finish made it VERY difficult to photograph, but the base card stock is pink, the paperwork over is a piece with grapes and herbs written on it. The images are of fruits, and a word is highlighted in the center "Desserts". I did some paper singing on a bit of it, and gold overlay for a border. I like it. I still need practice... but I like it :) Tell me what you think.

Romance Fleeting (Poetry Thursday)

Romance
Like the nights shooting stars
Fleeting

In the day blossoms
captive in the glass
Flourishes and withers

Day to night
Night to day
Time barely acknowledges

Replenish the sky's stars
Throw them across the onyx
Where the pale moon observes

And notices...

Blossom under the glass
Adapt
But bring me the night

My lover

©SKW

Update

Feel like Christ and you will be a Christ; feel like Buddha and you will be a Buddha. It is feeling that is the life, the strength, the vitality, without which no amount of intellectual activity can reach God.--Swami Vivekananda

It's so clear that you have to cherish everyone. I think that's what I get from these older black women, that every soul is to be cherished, that every flower is to bloom.—Alice Walker

~*~*~*~*~*~

I had my first post operative appointment today. It went well :) I lost 5 more pounds (yay!) and the incision which is now the size of one half of my pinkie nail, is closing/healing nicely. I wont have the results from the test they did today for about a week, but overall the doctor thinks it will be fine. They do not expect any return of the cancer. So keep your fingers crossed for that :)

I still do have fevers though. Although today when I was at the doctors they took my temp and I was 98.9 for the first time in over a month! I took my temperature when I got home and it had climbed again to 99.9, but that's still lower than it's been in a while. I have to take my temperature everyday multiple times to track the highs and lows of these fevers. I've increased my water intake (though not completely to 64oz per day as doctor ordered) by far. I've also started my herbal remedy of supplements etc again. Overall I feel ok, except for on occasion when I'm achy.

I'm tired a lot. Yesterday due to all the emotional upsets and other things that continued on into the night, I barely made it through 4pm work quitting time. Then after that I fell asleep for a good 4 hours or more. When I did get up around 8, I was only up for a short time and when I fell back asleep I slept until 6am (nearly 7:30 by the time I actually got up!). I'm tired again already, but I want to make it to 5pm for work as my shortened schedule is already hurting in the financial arena.

I've been reading some good spiritual books (see my book list to the left) and I think this is a very positive thing. I just wish for these times of upset, frustration, and health issues to be gone. I'm ready to get back to my life (have been ready since November).

On a side note, the nurses at the Cancer Center made me feel exceptionally good today. Not only do they remember me, but they noticed my hair and remembered that I was going to cut it for Locks of Love. They said my hair looks so cute ;) It brought a smile to my face and that, is priceless to me.

For now, back to the work grind... Thank you for reading my thoughts and words. You are a blessing to me everyday.

Muse

Emotions, Updates, & Life

It has been a very emotional day. Some people like to get updates on my blog and while I try to do that, I try also to keep the emotional days away simply because well they can be... emotional. Today is one of those days.

I've not posted an update on how I feel physically in a while. I still have fevers every day ranging from at lowest 100.5 to as high as 102.7. I've had strep, had a bladder infection, been on antibiotics that only slightly lowered my white blood cell count, been through an entire blood work up of 10 vials of blood (4 of which were drawn from both arms and the vials were the size of a small drink container...think Red Bull size and shape), had a CT Scan, and seen three different doctors. And still no one knows what's wrong. I have to see an Infectious Disease Specialist to hopefully determine what's wrong with me. I can't see them until January 22nd, because they normally only see patients in the hospital. And because of this I've been working from home since I got this sick.

The amount of stress I deal with daily, and the amount of stress I hide from others daily can be rather large. I've tried to be quiet about it mainly because if I let myself talk about it, I can turn into a crying mess. Today however, I just couldn't keep it in.

The day started off with some issues from work. It feels to me, as if no matter what I do in my job for this company, I'm always held accountable for mistakes, some of which are not mine to have made. Some are related to the systems in place by the telephone provider we are authroized to work for. The day started off with about 16 of those types of emails. By the time I got through them all I was just crying.

I'm working very hard from home when I do have work, to ensure that it is obvious that having me work from home is a benefit to the company so I do not lose my job. After all, the surgery was three months ago and I should be fully recovered by now. And with the mistakes that are made, mine or not, a plausible case against my incompetence could be made and I could be fired. Do I think they will? probably not, but they could. I know I should focus on the positive and I do try, but when you get 16 incidences right in a row it's a bit hard to jump back up right away and refocus.

Then today I'm really not feeling well. I've weathered the storm of these fevers as best as possible but today I'm achy as well as feverish and because of all these issues I can't just go lay down. Work needs to be done and I need to be paid.

I promised myself I wouldn't go through all of the things that I just made my poor mother sit through as finally the damn of strength holding back tears for SO MANY things, broke. I thank her for sitting outside with me when it's bitterly cold out just so she could sit quietly with me while I got it under control again.

I know each day will come and I should take each one as it is. I've been much better at this, but sometimes like today when you're not feeling well to begin with and you have added stressers like money, job, feeling alone, it just gets to be too much. I know things will get better. I hope they do sooner rather than later, because on a day like today all I want to do is sleep and wake up in the future when whatever I have that is wrong with me is healed, when I don't have to worry about money so much so that I'm grinding my teeth, when I don't have to feel alone.

For the technical details for those who wish to keep track:

~I have my first post operative cancer screening and check up tomorrow
~January 22nd, I have an appointment with the infectious disease specialist to see what's wrong with me.
Beyond that, I have no clue.

Thanks for reading today. Even as sad as I may be, I still wish you to know that just by being here, being you, reading my words, giving validation to my life through your eyes; that you are a blessing to me. Today, I need that blessing of friendship, so thank you.

Muse

~*~*~*~*~*~

DAILY INSPIRATION
This was added after my inital post, and is PERFECT for today's posting. Check it out, you just might agree: Energy to Spare; Knowing Your Limits

Celebration

There truly is nothing like meeting your goal. Here is one of mine that I've been quietly, steadily, working towards.

Time Walked: 32.30 minutes

Distance: 3/4 of a mile!!

Fat Grams Burned: 39!

Calories Burned: 124!

My goal was to get to 30 minutes. For the first time ever, I could make it without killing myself. I think today I will celebrate. Jamba Juice anyone? ;)

Sister Moon

These pictures were taken tonight, and man do they remind me of a song I heard by Vanessa Williams... "Sister Moon". Moonshadow, my friend in game, this night's lyrics posting is for you. xo to you.

Sister moon will be my guide,
In your blue blue shadows I would hide.
All good people asleep tonight
I'm all by myself in your silverlight
I would gaze at your face the whole night.
Though I'd go out of mind but for you
I'd go out of my mind but you

Lying in a mother's arms
The primal root of a woman's charms.
I'm a stranger to the sun my eyes are too weak
How cold is a heart when it's warmth that it seeks?
You watch every night, you don't care what I do
I'd go out of my mind, but for you
I'd go out of my mind, but for you

My lover's eyes are nothing like the sun.
My hunger for him explains everything I've done
To howl at the moon the whole night through.
And they really don't care if I do
I'd go out of my mind but for you.

Vanessa Williams - Sister Moon

Reaching out... a lifeline

Clinging to the phone desperately wishing for it to ring on the other hand, she stood still like a statue even so far as to hold her breath. An eternity passed by before smoothly the line went from jarring silence to the soft ringtones she expected. Releasing her breath slowly she listened to the ringing and hoped for the connection. 1 Ring "maybe they're not there", 2 Rings "Or don't want to be bothered", 3 Rings "do they know it's me and not want to pick up?", 4 Rings and the audbile click which meant the call was forwarding to the voice mail.

She moved for the first time since she had picked up the phone, stretching her legs and smiling ever so slightly to the sound of the popping of her joints.

"Hi, i'm not here right now"... the voice mail intoned.

"I know that, but where ARE you" she spoke to no one in particular.

Waiting for the beep, she thought over what she would say. "I was just thinking of you tonight". Scratching that with all the noise of nails on a chalkboard, she winced and moved to the next thought. "I'm lonely... and I." Ugh, she groaned to herself. No, that just won't do.

The shrill beep focused her attention back on the line and she breathed in deeply waiting for the words to come out. Releasing her breath again she realized she had nothing to say, and quickly hung the phone up. Resting her hand on the handle of the phone securely back in it's cradle, she smiled again with the thought that she had just crank called her friend. Ah well, she thought, maybe he'll enjoy the breathing.

She padded barefoot to her kitchen where the open bottle of wine awaited her and the candlelight from the myriad of candles she had lit danced in her shadow. Not bothering with the formalities that a wine glass would offer, she grabbed the bottle by the neck and took a long pull tasting the sweet wine as it ran eagerly down her throat.

What would she do tonight? She mulled over the possibilities and none of them appealed to her. Sighing she turned away from the counter armed with her bottle of wine and walked back into the living room where she sat on the couch and watched the time.

"What to do, what to do". She amused herself with thinking thoughts of creativity, creating anything. She stared at the candlelight as the flames continued their dance of light around her. She shivered slightly as the next wave of addiction overcame her enveloping her in the desire no NEED for a cigarette.

"I wont!" she said with more force than she intended, blowing a candle out that had been nearby.

She went through all the routines as she sat on the plush couch, sinking further as she repeated her mantra.

"My willpower is greater than that of my bad habits". Repeating the old phrase had a numbing effect on her greater than her new best friend Zinfandel could do and soon before she knew it, the bottle slipped from her grasp and her eyes closed in a sleep she hadn't known she'd needed.

~*~

Sitting up abruptly she was aware of a breeze coursing through the sky, causing her hair to run across her eyes. She blinked in the sunlight wiping her tired hand, struggling to release the vestiges of sleep. She smelled jasmine close by but could see no flowers. And when she had gone to bed last night ("Did I go to bed?" she thought... ), she had been wearing her clothing. now, however she wore a dress of sparkling white.

Standing slowly, unsurely she looked to her surroundings. Green fields as far as the eye could see heralded a day of brightest light. The air that had been moved by balmy breezes, was hushed in a moments pause as if to acknowledge the stranger in its midst. Turning slowly around she heard before she saw the brook bubbling over rocks, destination unknown. The brook continued as far as her eyes could see.

Upon completing her turn, having come full circle, her eyes now adjusted to the day, she noticed the house in the distance. Even from afar it had the air of a regal property. It looked like a castle, and then looked like a modern home.

"That's odd" she wondered aloud. "Just how much wine did I have?" she questioned to herself.

She felt no fear in this place, she simply felt "home". The wind ushered in the fragrance of jasmine again, and this time she knew the wind at her back was guiding her towards the home. With all the magic of a dreamstate she took a few steps and was nearly transported to the front steps of the porch of this home in the middle of nowhere. What she had seen as a castle and then a modern home was really a Victorian mansion, complete with a wrap around porch, flower beds in each window and a rocking couch built for two. She still remained unfrightened by this new place figuring she was merely dreaming and resigning herself to the dream. She put her hand on the banister noticed as she looked up taking the first step, the sign over the porch. She had not noticed it before and she wondered again if things weren't appareing as if being built right as she arrived, just for her.

The sign simply said: "The House of Love".

Stepping up the four steps onto the porch she noticed a notepad and a paper. Stationary she corrected herself, and a very antique looking pen. Laying on the seat of the two seater swing they almost called to her aloud even in their silence. The breeze carried faint whispers to her, gently caressing her ear with a soft voice spekaing phrases such as: "My love. I sit in the parlor today love. Today the gardens were in full bloom".

She slowly walked to the couch and reached forward without a single thought except to pick up the pen. The whispers became louder and she knew that this was what she was to be doing, right now. Her hands closed around the pen, a beautiful burgundy, heavy pen with initials carved in it. She could almost make them out. S. K. Leaning forward to get a better look, the whispers suddenly stopped.

~*~

With a thud and a groan she fell off the couch. The wine spilled onto the light carpet beneath her, deepening the stain in the material. She sat up gingerly rubbing her head, chiding herself lightly for having too much to drink. Leveraging herself up using the coffeetable to do so, she sat upright on the couch again. It was then that she noticed the pen and the single piece of stationary, that had not been there before. Scrawled on the paper were four words: "The House of Love".

©SKW

~*~

I have NO idea where this is going or if it's just some smattering of useless thought tonight. But as I composed it I was reminded of the love letters I've written and in all of them the theme is the same; a house built by the love of it's inhabitants, love for each other, that constantly changes. Some homes are steeped with tradition even acquiring the names of the family but in this home, the only family is "love". Maybe it's a sign to write some more letters, maybe it's just a random snippet, or maybe it's a beginning of something new borrowing from the old. Either way, I thought you might enjoy it.

Have a wonderful day everyone :)

MUSE PICS; Not for the faint of heart :)

Sorry for the delay in getting these to you ;) I've cut over 10 inches off from my hair, and given it a little pick me up dye job to add some more red to it (not that you can see it in these pics but oh well). And today, I finally got around to posting the damn things :P I hope you enjoy! have a great day everyone :)

BEFORE ^

&

AFTER

Getting to Know Me...

Thanks to Melba's blog Create a Connection, Deb came up with this Wednesday theme. Thanks Sacred Suzie for posting hers and inspiring me to do the same. Also check out some of the yule gifts she made, way to go! Those look awesome :)

(Sorry for the old pic, I have yet to take one with my new hair cut eep!)

Getting To Know You ~ Take 1

1. I have never wanted to Skydive; but I've always thought I might like to swim with dolphins.

2. When I was 7 years old, I believed in the Santa Claus

3. If I was my own best friend, what I would enjoy the most about spending time with Me would be the passion with which I share life with others; while what I'd find the most irritating would be how when I get mad I can't focus on anything else.

4. If the story of my life up to this point was being published tomorrow, it would be titled "new Beginnings, walking in old footsteps with new sight" and it would be dedicated to anyone who needed to know they are not alone.

5. When my time on Earth is over, and the people who loved me are remembering me, it would please me if they said They had felt the magic of being friends with an honest to goodness loving soul & could pass that on in my spirit.

Have a wonderful day everyone! Thanks for being here and remember you are a blessing to me everyday :)