Vision

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” ~Proverbs 29:18 “The Vision you hold is the calling out of your inner soul, the higher self, encouraging you to pursue its fulfillment. The experience of realizing your Vision will help you grow into what you are meant to be.”~Jim Lee “Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask yourself this crucial question: ‘Does this path have a heart?’ If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn’t, then it is of no use.” ~Carlos Castaneda
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There are so many things I could write about today. First and foremost though, I have some thank you's. Thank you Mrs. Virgo for an AWESOME Saturday :) We went to a Japanese Market called Mitsuwa and had a fabulous lunch of Dim Sum, and many other delectable treats. We even went to Jamba Juice! WOOHOO! Being around Mrs. Virgo is good food for my soul. There are not enough thanks you's for that, but I can at least verbalize a thanks for the wonderful time.

Thank you's as well goes out to AG and his family. For the many reasons you know, I send thank yous and hugs and thousands of kisses. You are very special to me.

Aside from these thank you, there are other things to be discussed. One of them is my blog silence. I suffer each day from the hormonal (or lack thereof) emotional swings that is associated with menopause. Mine are very bad as it's a forced menopause, (my body wasn't ready for it). I've had some days reminiscent of my high school days when even as a teenager I was filled with angst and had very dark thoughts about my life. Any of the precursor reasons for the emotional upheaval are valid; (i.e. bills, medical personnel being jerks, not being able to be where I want in my life). But the intensity with which I feel these things is scary. I've kind of in a way withdrawn a bit from people because of it. Though there are still a few who see it (sorry Mr. Uber :( ). I do not know what to do about it. I've put myself on an herbal remedy that seemed to help years ago, but as much as they DO help now, it seems it's not enough.

I must figure out a way to combat this. it makes me cry incessantly as I feel I'm going insane. I'm going to have to examine going on hormone therapy. But before I do, I'm going to hang in a bit more and read everything I can about combating this without drugs. I'm hoping that I can find something that I can do to help alleviate this so i can feel less like I'm a lunatic and more like I'm a person leading a normal life who luckily was able to skirt away from the far reaching tentacles of cancer...

We'll see.

As far as my job search, no activity has been happening. I've sent out some resumes, been on one interview and as I thought, they haven't called back. The girls I interviewed with were a combined weight of 140 pounds sopping wet, and everyone else there looked like they just came out of some hip fashion magazine. I also think that they may think I'm too much of a risk. I went against my mother's advice and told them of the surgery. My thought was simply, if I have to have off for post op follow ups (as I have them scheduled already), I didn't want to have to lie about it. We'll see if they'll surpass my expectations and offer me a job.

I'm applying at some other places, in the hopes of being able to go somewhere new soon. I truly do not want to go back to the office I’m currently employed at. I do not want to deal with that kind f negativity anymore. I do not want to have to put up with crony and the hens as they judge my life and me. And it should be noted here, that my mother got a small taste of crony the other day when she went to pick up my check. Crony asked how I was, and my mother told her I was on my third antibiotic and no one can figure out what's wrong. And crony immediately began to tell her that being on so many antibiotics wasn't a good thing. My mother calmly just told her "The doctor prescribes them, I'm sure they know what they're doing".

I do not want to have to answer questions to anyone.

I haven't lost any more weight than I last reported, but I haven't gained any either. This is a good thing. I also haven't for various reasons been able to walk at all the past three or four days. This will change soon as soon as I'm not so sore.
And there has been no change on the love front. Though I don't think I expected one so soon. I've been lied to lately in a very serious way. Someone tried to take advantage of me after my surgery, and they almost succeeded. I'd be a liar if I didn't say that they hurt me badly. But they didn't break me and that's what's important. I am however stunned as to the type of person that would take advantage of another, especially after what I've just been through. It doesn't matter how used to the nastiness of people I get, I am still shocked when someone abuses me. I still sit there and say "How can they do that?"

Enough about that, I wont divulge the feelings swirling inside me about this publicly. Those close to me that I have spoken of this too, know a fair amount of how I feel. I just wont perpetuate that negativity here in this blog.

I had a really good morning the other day. I went out on my deck where it has just snowed. It was beautiful. The first snow always is. I sat there while the sun danced across my closed eyes and for just the briefest moments in time (or so it seemed), the deck fell away and was replaced by sandy beaches of white. The cars rushing to and fro through the intersection miraculously sounded like the pounding of surf instead of the onslaught of commuters. And for a moment, while I saw no sign of the traditional pink umbrella on the beach, I was still at peace. It was a great wake up. And one I hope to see again. Had I not been cold (ok damn near freezing), I would have stayed there longer, pushing my vision harder to see the pink umbrella that is always signifying her presence to me, and if not her, the calm she exuded.

Last though not least I have been working on a project with a partner that I think can be of large benefit to the online writing community and has the added benefit of propelling Utopia Skye in the direction I want it to go. If you're interested in this idea (I know I'm not leaving many details here), email me at suekw71 at gmail dot com. I'm looking for opinions on the project which involves writing, educating, and assistance to those who are serious about their writing, all in a themed environment peer to peer driven. Does that whet your appetite? It should ;)

For now, I'll leave you with this long post and well wishes for a beautiful Monday. I hope that whatever you're doing right now, it's "got a heart" (see above quote) and it feeds your soul.
You are a blessing to me everyday.
Xo