Emotions, Updates, & Life

It has been a very emotional day. Some people like to get updates on my blog and while I try to do that, I try also to keep the emotional days away simply because well they can be... emotional. Today is one of those days.

I've not posted an update on how I feel physically in a while. I still have fevers every day ranging from at lowest 100.5 to as high as 102.7. I've had strep, had a bladder infection, been on antibiotics that only slightly lowered my white blood cell count, been through an entire blood work up of 10 vials of blood (4 of which were drawn from both arms and the vials were the size of a small drink container...think Red Bull size and shape), had a CT Scan, and seen three different doctors. And still no one knows what's wrong. I have to see an Infectious Disease Specialist to hopefully determine what's wrong with me. I can't see them until January 22nd, because they normally only see patients in the hospital. And because of this I've been working from home since I got this sick.

The amount of stress I deal with daily, and the amount of stress I hide from others daily can be rather large. I've tried to be quiet about it mainly because if I let myself talk about it, I can turn into a crying mess. Today however, I just couldn't keep it in.

The day started off with some issues from work. It feels to me, as if no matter what I do in my job for this company, I'm always held accountable for mistakes, some of which are not mine to have made. Some are related to the systems in place by the telephone provider we are authroized to work for. The day started off with about 16 of those types of emails. By the time I got through them all I was just crying.

I'm working very hard from home when I do have work, to ensure that it is obvious that having me work from home is a benefit to the company so I do not lose my job. After all, the surgery was three months ago and I should be fully recovered by now. And with the mistakes that are made, mine or not, a plausible case against my incompetence could be made and I could be fired. Do I think they will? probably not, but they could. I know I should focus on the positive and I do try, but when you get 16 incidences right in a row it's a bit hard to jump back up right away and refocus.

Then today I'm really not feeling well. I've weathered the storm of these fevers as best as possible but today I'm achy as well as feverish and because of all these issues I can't just go lay down. Work needs to be done and I need to be paid.

I promised myself I wouldn't go through all of the things that I just made my poor mother sit through as finally the damn of strength holding back tears for SO MANY things, broke. I thank her for sitting outside with me when it's bitterly cold out just so she could sit quietly with me while I got it under control again.

I know each day will come and I should take each one as it is. I've been much better at this, but sometimes like today when you're not feeling well to begin with and you have added stressers like money, job, feeling alone, it just gets to be too much. I know things will get better. I hope they do sooner rather than later, because on a day like today all I want to do is sleep and wake up in the future when whatever I have that is wrong with me is healed, when I don't have to worry about money so much so that I'm grinding my teeth, when I don't have to feel alone.

For the technical details for those who wish to keep track:

~I have my first post operative cancer screening and check up tomorrow
~January 22nd, I have an appointment with the infectious disease specialist to see what's wrong with me.
Beyond that, I have no clue.

Thanks for reading today. Even as sad as I may be, I still wish you to know that just by being here, being you, reading my words, giving validation to my life through your eyes; that you are a blessing to me. Today, I need that blessing of friendship, so thank you.

Muse

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DAILY INSPIRATION
This was added after my inital post, and is PERFECT for today's posting. Check it out, you just might agree: Energy to Spare; Knowing Your Limits