“Thinking TSO was the best thing I ever did is like thinking that the roller coaster is great but really the best part about it is the exhilaration you feel when you take the ride.”
I wrote those words on my forums to all its members, back in 2004 when I was playing my first online game The Sims Online. I re-read the words I write from time to time. I steeped myself in the memories mostly good, that TSO brought me yesterday. I was looking for a post to show someone and on the way to the post in question I found myself visiting several other threads. I hadn't even remembered writing this line. But it's a good one.
Lately I've needed to find “good lines”. I turn 40 in less than a month. I will be undergoing my 4th surgery in my life in 6 days. I've been yelled at in the past two days by a few people and had the darkest day of my life in at least 5 years yesterday. I sat in the dark staring at nothing and when I wasn't staring I was crying. I literally cried myself to sleep.
The past in some ways has some hold on me still. There are so many good memories, very many good memories... but there are bad ones too. And the bad ones, some of them sting just as much as they did when they were happening.
People can be so callous. So misguided. So hurtful.
I truly cannot understand the person who says they have love in their heart that can spew such words of hate. I have to admit I'm impressed by the artistry displayed when using words as a weapon, in an attempt to push it all back on me. Very crafty, but I refuse the blame.
I take responsibility for my mistakes, my actions and even my screw ups. It doesn't feel good but it feels better to know I am responsible. I live in my heart, I love from my heart and I'm open to many people. But I dont live in my heart & pass judgments on people from high above.
The incident in my mind revolves around so much pain that a chunk of my heart which was ripped out a long time ago still bleeds at the mention of it all. It left me in a very dark place yesterday thinking of it all. It was a dangerous place where shadows entice with dances, and death calls on me like a long lost lover whispering in my ear.
It is thanks that I give to a friend in Australia, who stayed with me, live with me on messenger while he was working just to make sure I was ok.
When I get like that there is this outpouring of my heart, my sadness. And then there is this vast emptiness. The opportunity then becomes filling that emptiness with light. But if light doesn't penetrate I am vulnerable to a relapse. Luckily light wormed its way into the dark chasing the shadows away. For a time I couldn't hear the whispers from the past. I regained my strength and smiled.
The day began to look brighter, my heart lighter. I went out (and spent entirely too much money) but enjoyed the comfort of solitude. No roommate speaking to me. No phone beeping at me. No online obligations to tend to.
And for the first time in a while I picked up a CD. I'm listening to it now (I wish I could sing, but I have a roommate so I can't let free the songbird chirping for the first time in a long time within me). The words of the woman's voice resonate so deeply with my heart that I've been hitting replay over and over as I write. It lifts me, settles me down and lets me write. I had hoped to write something creative today but one of the many ways I work out poison in my heart is through my “pen”. And so here is a musing if you will on how hurtful people can be. It's a reminder too to think of the persons feelings. To look not from a higher perspective of judgment but from a place of compassion that allows you to understand that what you did hurt someone. It doesn't matter if you think you were right or wrong, doesn't matter how much time has past but you hurt someone. And you should own up to it. An apology takes seconds.... literally and it can save years.
Words for thought.
I forgive you, for making a mistake, for betraying me; for thinking you were better than me, for continuing to hurt me, for being in a place in life where you cannot or will not see other people properly. I forgive you because I no longer have to know you. I no longer have to suffer those torments. So I wish you well, and I hope you find your way to open compassion. I hope you can see what people say and accept it as their truth. I hope you will never have to feel the pain you have caused me in your life. I forgive you.Empowered Forgiveness
