Anger, Fear & Insight into the Muse **LONG POST**

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one” ~Benjamin Franklin

“When anger rises, think of the consequences” ~Confucius

"Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are. ~Don Miguel Ruiz

‘When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest’. ~Henry David Thoreau

‘Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.’ ~Henry James

‘Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem to be more afraid of life than death’. ~James F. Bymes

‘Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.’ ~James Thurber

‘I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship.’ ~Louisa May Alcott

‘If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.’ ~Marcus Aurelius

‘And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others’. ~Marianne Williamson

‘I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.’ ~Rosa Parks

‘I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today’. ~William Allen White

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Today’s post is a short one. It’s comprised mainly of the things that I am feeling, but not willing to open totally to the public. Take a look at the quotes, you’ll know what I’m feeling.

I will tell you this, I live in a world of fear. I also live with anger (not violence mind you,… NEVER EVER violence). I know many of you do not know this about me, but a few do. I’m a very angry person. I have anger from my childhood, from all the years of my life, from things that happen daily; things as simple as me being a klutz. Hell I’m angry that I AM angry. And I’m afraid a lot more than I ever was. Afraid of meeting new people, afraid of not being good enough. Afraid that I lack intelligence other than Love, light and happiness. Afraid that really what I am deep down at the base of my existence while light and sharing, is nothing but a person who lives in fear.

Today I am staring through the looking glass at these two emotions, anger and fear and what I see is my reflection. I see my soul naked, I see my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities, my temper. I have no idea what to do with this, but I look. So today’s’ post is one again, of awareness. The quotes are ones I’ll save for myself, but though you might enjoy too. And now so that I do not put you all into a coma, here is a quiz I found on blog dog’s site and thought would be nice for you to see about me.

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101 things about me

1. My real name is Sue


2. Utopia Skye was the name of a property of mine in the online game The Sims Online. It just stuck


3. I am almost 35


4. I hate my job


5. I have no health insurance


6. I’m Overweight


7. I LOVE to be crafty


8. I haven’t crafted since I was married


9. I’ve owned an online business that had moderate success albeit short lived


10. I’m addicted to the anonymity of online gaming. As much as I’m real and honest I prefer that environment to the normal world.


11. I believe that I have a gift to share with people. I do not know clearly what it is, but I try anyway to share it


12. I love a woman I never met, and pray to her even though she has passed on, just like I pray to my other family members when I think of them.


13. I hate liver


14. I actually like brussel sprouts


15. I’ve been to Europe and enjoyed England tremendously


16. I want to go to the Isle of Skye once in my life


17. I have a few (like 2) stuffed animals


18. I was a major tom boy growing up


19. I threw a muscular man into a rose bush complete with thorns for pissing me off one day.


20. I knew about sex before I understood what it really was


21. I was adopted


22. My foster parents were horrible people


23. The DCFS wasn’t much better (Children and family services organization)


24. One of my earliest memories is of me at a very young age eating the bottom of a sugar cone and watching the ice cream drip from it onto the ground with curiosity.


25. I received a beating for that and haven’t eaten a sugar cone since then…ever


26. I wrote when I was little, silly children’s stories mainly.


27. I stopped laughing a lot when my best friend “A” told me I laugh too much (when I was 12 or so)


28. I loved to sing while I cleaned


29. Because I sang well I was chosen out of all the classes in my grade school to perform at all weddings, and funerals.


30. I loved to sing at the weddings


31. In sixth grade on a homework assignment I was to write a short story. I did, writing “The Mystery of the Stolen Horse” (I used to love Nancy Drew stories). My teacher made fun of me in front of the whole class and accused me of plagiarism, calling my mother at work even to verify it was real. Then she made me stand for the rest of day as some form of punishment for something I didn’t do


32. I stopped writing after that and didn’t write again until my sisters death in 1990 some 7 years later. Even then I wrote a total of seven poems then and didn’t write anything else until 2002 when I went online in TSO


33. I would in grade school hear someone talking of how sad they were, regardless of whether they liked me or not, and I would tell them something nice, or inspirational. I loved to do that


34. Several people to this day thank me for that, citing that it was a pivotal moment for them.


35. I love Dogs


36. I have no problems with cats but see number 35


37. I owned a fish once named Akira. She was damn cool


38. My nickname in high school was Angel


39. I was hospitalized for one month when I was 16.


40. I used to sneak out of my bedroom window at night using the neighbors picnic bench to allow me back in.


41. I never did drugs as a teenager (tried pot once)


42. I hung out with a bad crowd but earned their respect by being smarter than them and they always protected me.


43. I cussed out a police officer and spent a night in a holding cell once


44. My best friend and I when we were very young kissed and that (I think) ruined our friendship


45. Kissing her didn’t feel bad, I rather liked it.


46. I still like men much better ;)


47. I didn’t realize when I started this list it would be so hard to find 101 things to share with you all :P


48. I cannot explain my religious beliefs to anyone who doesn’t believe in them either. I lack the ability to debate about it.


49. I read all manner of cards


50. I can’t dance…at all


51. I’m very boring, Just ask Mr. S who’s been coming over a lot lately ;)


52. I’ve survived some serious things in my life.


53. In 4th grade someone told me, that when I told them I thought I did a good job making people feel happy, that I shouldn’t be conceited. I have a very hard time allowing myself the luxury of a self compliment since then.


54. I don’t like beer anymore


55. I used to drink a lot of it


56. I got drunk on peach schnapps and beer once and got sick in my boyfriends Suburban


57. Another time I got so drunk I stubbed my toe and the nail fell off (eww gross)


58. The person I was hanging out with at the time, was someone I ignored a lot. But HE liked me and I wonder if I should have been nicer.


59. Another time I got so drunk I couldn’t walk


60. Maybe I shouldn’t list all my drunk exploits :P though they are funny


61. I have never been an alcoholic (I got lucky)


62. I smoked pot in my mid twenties and for a year I did it quite often.


63. I gained a LOT of weight in that year


64. I no longer smoke pot or cigarettes.


65. I have a heart condition


66. I’ve had the equivalent of a few strokes in my life.


67. I’m very emotional


68. I love the scent of pine, like Christmas tree pine


69. I haven’t decorated for Christmas in about 7 years and that makes me sad


70. I’m about to throw out all my Christmas things and start over with my own


71. I intend to decorate for Christmas this year and throw a FORMAL dinner party


72. I don’t mind inviting a lot of people. If you want to come just let me know ;)


73. I sang for a dinner party I threw once and people loved it


74. My goodness, 25 more tings to write and I have no clue what to say :P


75. I want to work from home or close to home and am looking for a job… anyone want to hire me?


76. I love my friends


77. I’m bad at keeping in touch with people (sorry Truenigma…)


78. I want someone to take me away on a vacation.


79. I want to have financial security, either on my own or through my partner. No I’m not a money monger, but I do want security


80. I want to own a piece of land and invite friends to build their houses on it, and make a real life Utopia Skye.


81. I want to publish a book that is a surprise best seller and be rich so I can do what I want to do


82. I want to go to a very far away monastery and be “cleansed” by the isolation


83. I don’t want to work today


84. I camp my own forums daily


85. I camp my blog and blog dog’s and a few others :P


86. I love to read what other people write.


87. I try to download books from lulu.com in support of their publishing community since I've published two books there


88. I love sex


89. I don’t have sex


90. I do want to be married again someday


91. I do not think I want children though I’m not closed to the option (I am however 34, almost 35)


92. I want a puppy so bad again


93. I have no control over my anger and am paranoid that my neighbors have heard my turrets like outbursts and think I’m a psycho :P


94. I’m so afraid of being hurt again that I do not want to go out because I’m afraid everyone is looking at me.


95. I’m angry at one person all the time, even sublimely because they didn’t make a choice.


96. But I love this person too so I swallow that anger


97. I want to have my hair look like Kate Winslets did in “Titanic”


98. I called my sister a bitch as she lay in her hospital bed just after her (what was fatal) car accident because I didn’t know she was dying, as she always garnered more of my mothers attention because she was so needy.


99. I still feel guilty over that


100. I hope that I bring people happiness. I truly think that is what I’m about. So even just one person. I welcome you to tell me. You don’t have to, but I hope I make you happy nonetheless. Because even if I’m not happy I always have light for you.
101. I hope that Jessie was right when she said that the angels told her I have a special gift to give to people. I have felt it all my life and I hope she was right... because I'd hate to think my life and efforts to offer people love and acceptance were for nothing. She said I had to get a "special kind of mad" to tap into this gift. I get mad when peope are hurt. I hope she was right...

Thank you for reading this. Since this is so long today, I’ll just end here with one wish for you all… that you have a wonderful day. XO

Muse