Though I have to say I’m only like that when I’m hurt. It’s not like I sit around and think up ways to be a bitch to people. Let me explain:
Take for instance the person that hurt me years ago… online. Only a few short months ago was the first time that I was finally able to even speak to her. It was guarded conversation, but conversation nonetheless. It took me two years not to hiss and spit venom at the mere mention of her name.
Or for instance the person that as recent as November last year hurt me online. Just a few weeks ago in email we had some conversations and I’m not proud to say that the way I spoke is not very muse-like. In fact, I was downright nasty. I'm not happy for that anger, however, it took those emails to finally get rid of the poison I felt churning in my heart when I thought of what had transpired between two friends.
Or here’s another example of two different points of view (again online). The person that says one thing, and believes it, but their version of this “one thing” is different than my version of it, even though it’s called the same thing. Even knowing, discovering or hell maybe even just waking up to the truth of it now, still leaves me with such hurt, and anger that more often than not I’m a raving psycho dwelling in the deep sewer of anger instead of in the lake of tranquility knowing where things stand. I mean knowing is half the battle right? Why then is that not enough for me to let go?
I learned when I was a child, how to lash out like a caged tiger when I’m hurt. Granted it takes a lot to get there. And further more, you have to be DEEP in my heart to fill me with poison, anger, upset that these three examples speak of. But if that’s the case, and I begin to hurt… look out. I can be the nastiest bitch you’ve ever seen. And I’ll smile when I speak the words too.
I am not in anyway shape or form condoning the actions of those who have hurt me. Even if the hurt is felt more strongly on my side; even if it is perceived to be a small thing and yet I feel it in a large way… it is still hurt that was given to me.
But while I’ll fully pass blame where it needs to be, I also need to take blame too and admit I am also not condoning my own words.
I was wrong, I was hurtful, and I am sorry for that hurt.
I used to be able to walk away from things without a second glance back.
For example, I dated a man once when I was oh 16, 17 or so… When he found out that I wouldn’t immediately lay down and allow him to have his way with me, he decided he needed to move on. He didn’t however let me in on this secret until finally I had as it happens been in his neighborhood. I stopped by his house where I made him tell me to my face just how shallow he was. When he admitted it, I told him that some things in life are worth everything, and he just passed up the best thing that ever happened to him. Then I smiled at him, waved and left without a second glance back.
Where is this woman of strength now?
I have no clue what any of this blog entry will do other than allow me to continue to be truthful to the fact that I am human and I have promised to chronicle it all in this blog. I may never change. I may always have these tendencies to hurt so deeply that it takes years to recover. But at least I’m not holier than thou (so to speak) to say I’m not at fault.
To those who have hurt me where I in turn have lashed out to them. You have hurt me…. YOU have hurt me, but *I* am sorry too for hurting you as well…Truly (This goes for people I’ve hurt that aren’t listed here either)
Everyday I endeavor to be better than the anger I learned to use as a weapon at the tender age of 4. It’s sometimes a true struggle, especially when I’m hurt, but I do try. That’s worth something.
So today’s blog is a letting go. It’s a letting go specifically to the three people/instances where I’ve held onto this hurt. The first two will be easier to let go than the third. But I will try to let the hurt and anger go for all of them just the same. I hate carrying it around in me.
For the first two people, even though I'll admit to my wrongdoing, because the hurt was done in my heart, it will be a very long time before trust can be had again. But over time who knows where life leads us... For the third person, well...we still have a long road ahead of us. I have no idea where it leads either; But I renew my effort today to try and let the upset, anger, and hurt go. No matter how I have to do it, I will try…
So readers of my drudgery as I let you in even anonymously to my life, I ask you all to take a second if you’re reading this and even give a small shit about me to send me some strength. So that I can open my heart to others like I try to do everyday, and yet keep it guarded enough that I do not ever feel the sting of poison as a permanent resident in my heart. You don’t even have to respond to this post…just send me your version of strength and maybe I’ll be able to do this thing…for myself.
And as for a blessing today or well wishes, I hope you all can manage your anger, learn to never live with regret, and be blessed anytime you reach out to help someone even anonymously.
XO
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