She finally got to be on her beach

I finally got the nerve today to visit the American Cancer Society's place in Second Life. I had several times wanted to visit, but was too afraid. In visiting I stumbled upon the Memorial Gardens.

I was scared to be there, I had a horrible day at work; my emotions were already threatening to overwhelm me. But there, two people stood. I spoke to them briefly and discovered that one of them was the creator of the lovely place and a cancer survivor as well.

For so long I had thought that somehow maybe because I wasn't near death with my cancer, or invaded by chemotherapy for years that somehow my cancer wasn't as severe. No matter how it affects you Cancer of any kind is severe. It is brutal, non discriminatory, and painful mentally, physically and emotionally to so many.

In talking with this person, I had asked timidly what I needed to do to add a memorial for someone. He was so kind, he let me add one that very moment for her. When he asked me where I would want to place it, without a moments hesitation I said "Somewhere on the beach?"

He immediately put a picture I hastily gave him nestled between some palm trees facing the bluest ocean. The tears began to flow freely as I stood there and just stared at this lovely tribute to the woman who changed my life so much. I began to feel all the old fears of my cancer, the sadness at losing her just two years before mine. I began to feel the sadness from the days events, the stress from work and a torrent of tears broke through my walls.

But somewhere among the deluge of depression, sadness, and pangs of longing, was one emotion that is always there somehow, God only knows how...

Love.

I loved this woman I never met. I loved the doctors who before my surgery hadn't laid eyes on me before but took care of me. I loved this woman's fiancee that I had never met. I loved both of their families for providing me one of the highest points of my life as they thanked me for doing a radio show devoted to her... these people who didn't even know what Yahoo instant messenger was, learned that night how to type "Thank you for loving our daughter" as I did a broadcast in her honor when she was in a coma they weren't sure she'd come out of (she did). I loved all those who supported me through my cancer including this woman's fiancee who was still wounded from the loss of his love, but able enough to reach out and help me.

Even as I write this, the tears are still flowing, as I sit here by her memorial I can't stop them. But as all the sadness of the day, fears and stresses begin to depart I feel her there beside me in my heart. And strangely as I cry, I am comforted. I am sad and filled with the longing of her words. But I am comforted. And I know soon the tears will stop and tomorrow will be a better day for having had them.

So I look to tomorrow, and send out love to the many survivors, and loved ones who have fought bravely but not survived. I send love out because I am hurting and because I know only that will make me feel better. I send love out because it's who I am and in doing so, I feel her nearby. The woman who's sanctuary was a beach and finally in the virtual world has found a home again near me.

In warm memories and with much love I remember you.

Jessie Smith 1976-2004

And thank you to those two in Second Life, who gave me the most insightful words of the evening.

H.M.: some of us have to go to remind those left behind how precious we all are
H.M: if you do nothing more than that than your life is an accomplishment

Profound words my friend, indeed.