LONG post about ... well ... nothing, perhaps?

How is it possible for me to be late when I was up at 4am?  Ok this old age working too early thing is for the birds.  I fell asleep last night around 8:30 and got up at 10pm from a horrible nightmare, which I couldn’t shake.  I finally fell asleep again by 11pm, and was up at 3:30.  By the time I could have chosen to go back to bed it was 4am and I have to be up at 5am or so.  SO I figured I’d just stay up.  The benefit of this is I did get some stuff done lol.  I actually got showered, and actually GOT READY… you know like did my hair, and makeup and feel half decent about myself.  Not so afraid to go out and show my face to the world lol.  But then I got stuck trying to perfect something in game and before I knew it, it was 6:35 and (eeek!) I have to leave at 6:15.   So I flew out the door after shoving some vitamins and St. John’s Wort down my throat and here I am.  

Yup… here I am.  Here I sit with nothing to do.  Have a few things of course and I’m pacing myself getting through them so I at least have stuff to do all day but now I’m bored.  And the worst part is I’m bored and AWAKE.  Which is even more horrible considering I have nothing to do here ** cries **.

I know I shouldn’t complain.  I get paid more than I did at my last job and I have even less to do here than I did at my last job.  But I’m just not one of those people.  See I can think of at least 10 other things I can get down at home instead of wasting 8 hours here when I really only need 4 to get done what I have…  I’m salaried of course so if there were ever overtime they wouldn’t have to pay it but I still have to do a timesheet and I’ve been told I’ll be docked for the few times I was out (which is CONSIDERABLY less than at my last job by FAR!) but still… you see how it’s one way for them and another when it doesn’t benefit them?  Because of that I have to stay here.  ** sigh **

So what else is new… well I am now a registered member on 7 message boards now lol.  The utopia skye ones, two protectorate ones (long story), the romantics site (based in wow), the angels of wrath (based in wow), the Talus community (based in SWG) and two personal ones (meaning I wont tell you what they are, not that they are a personals board. :P  ) as well.   I’m having difficulty keeping up. :P  Utopia Skye ALWAYS get my first priority.  

I’m going to be canceling wow soon.  I downloaded the patch from yesterday and this weekend I’m going in game to give those I care about alternate means of contacting me.  The guilds will remain and I will still have them, but people are free to come and go as they please.  There are officers on both sides that can help in my absence.  Perhaps I’ll activate for a month or so… perhaps not.  But I need to do this for me.

Right now I have a calculated $76.89 (which will increase to $91.88) amount I pay EACH month for online games.  I can keep TSO for history sake, the boards and SWG and STILL cut my costs in half if I just take charge of my damn life.  I’m going to try again to do this.  Wish my luck.  Previously I’ve caved when I cancelled.  

I don’t have time for all these games anyway.  I never play TSO except for when people want to meet there.  I never play ts2 and I LOVE to build.  I never go there because the MMO’s is where I get my social interaction.  While I’m not ready to emerge into the real world and get my social interaction there so my MMO addiction isn’t as bad, I can at least cut it to one game.  I can also cut my cell bill again by $40 if I just don’t use the damn thing.  Right now I use it at work and when I’m driving to and from work because when I’m home I don’t want to be on the phone, I want to be in game.  But the $47 from the reduced expenses n game that I’ll save plus the $44 I can save on my phone gives me almost $100 a month that I can save.  NOT pay other bills with, but save… I have no money.  No savings, and no retirement.  It’s funny at a meeting at the company I was with the longest (Telecomm Industries) they had a retirement planner there and I remember then at the age of 25 or so laughing that I didn’t need to plan for retirement.  Now I’m 34 and have nothing.  I have roughly (according to old standards) 21 years with which to save enough money to live the rest of my life on.  Yea.  Right.

Additionally through some knowledge received recently I discovered that I’m a total loser (and don’t knock me on this assessment when you read this folks).  I’m 34 and have NOTHING to show for the years I’ve worked.  People younger than me have far more than me.  Without going into details I just know I suck basically (and yes this is the reason for my depression last night… the realization that you suck isn’t an easy pill to swallow).  I realize that I only suck in this one area, at least for right now, but I am talking majorly sucking here…. I need to get my act together.  

The fastest easiest way to get a large amount of money together would be to sell all my crap and move in with my mother.  BAM instant $850/month saved from not having to pay rent.  But I have to wonder is it worth it?  Is my sanity worth $850/month?  That’s where I’m at today.  

I finally understand why Militis was so much into sleeping.  He said dreams are far better than the real world.  I fought him tooth and nail for a long time on that one.   I think in some measure I get it now.  I think perhaps I was so tired because I was so depressed.  Money always depresses me, but it’s the things that I can’t mention here that weigh on my heart that depress me.  

We all have a shadow self, and that shadow self includes a shadow heart.  In this heart the things we live that perhaps we wouldn’t live or do in waking reality reside.  This is the place you go when you rationalize an action and reduce it from it’s “Omg, this isn’t acceptable” status to “Well it’s ok if this, and this, and this”.  This is the comfort zone you find in an action that you tolerate, allow, accept.  Even though you go here, you still have to continually justify it to your waking self.  This is the part of you that is aware that what you’re doing is wrong, if not for others, but even just for you.  This is the part that says, you’re worth more, you deserve more… This part continually looks into the shadow heart you live in and pokes at you saying “Hey, I’m talking here, are you listening?”  I’ve become quite adept at tuning that voice out, but even with the skills I have sometimes an echo persists ringing against my brain.

What I allow to happen to myself for whatever reason is wrong.  It may LOOK like the bright light that I wish it to be, but it is an illusion because behind that light is the truth.  That what I allow is in the end demeaning because it lacks the weight of reality.  

I’ll leave it at that for now.

Random Poetry comin atcha

What I want to be right is derived from what is wrong
The orb of beauty contained over my dream is simply a weak barrier
That any touch will dissolve, revealing reality
It feels so right, It REALLY feels right
I want it to be right
But it’s wrong.
Truth hits hardest when you accept it…

©SKW

Boredom breeds philosophy... Watch out!

So I sit here today at work, horribly bored.  I have a few items on my plate today but nothing big nor time consuming.  I’m listening to people behind me talk and I’m wondering what I’m doing with my life.  It seems to come down to this all the time you know?  Sometimes I feel like I need to wake up.  But I don’t know what I’d wake up to so I go back to sleep you know?  Lol  

Ok that’s enough philosophy today.  

Tuesday is just like any other day but it’s a day of firsts traditionally for me.  On a Tuesday in November of 2001 I quit smoking.  I don’t know how I did it, but I did.  Surprisingly I’m still not smoking.  You want to know my reason for quitting smoking?  It’s a laugh really.  Nothing as grand as

“I should quit smoking because I have a heart condition”

Or

“I should quit smoking because it will KILL me”

No, not for me.  I quit smoking because of two things.  I couldn’t sing as well as I used to and I was wheezing at night.  * laughs * .  Can you believe that?  I remember how I quit to though I don’t know why it worked.  I remember for a week beforehand I spoke an affirmation that I had seen on a stack of “Goddess Cards” that I had purchased.  It said simply “My Willpower is greater than that of my bad habits”.  I said that every chance I thought of it, even while I smoked on my breaks.  Sometimes I said it quietly, sometimes softly out loud and I laughed at myself when I did it.   I also took a multi vitamin everyday and a couple of Herbal supplements (St. John’s Wort, Ginko etc).  And at night I took a melatonin at about 9pm every night and went to bed by 11 every night.  In the mornings I read a card a day and wrote down each thing though I don’t know if they applied to me or not in my endeavor.  I still have them.  Then on Tuesday, the day I was scheduled to quit I was so eager, I quit 6 hours earlier than planned.  

I had a fit of crying one night where I was a raving bitch lol.  But that’s all.  It lasted maybe two hours.  It felt to me then, as if I were a NON smoker, dreaming about having a desire to smoke.  Weird eh?  I’ve always had a goal to quit smoking by the time I was 32.  I quit when I was 30.

I’ve not once since then had the same conviction or ambition to succeed at something even though I have the wishes and desire for me to do things.  What on earth gave me this conviction?  I mean I even devised a regimen designed to help me…  I need that conviction now.  

I’ve started today with the affirmation again.  While I don’t need the melatonin at this time (I go to bed now by 10pm usually) I’m going to start the vitamins again.  I don’t FEEL the conviction in me.  I hope that by going through the motions I will get to that point again.  

I hope so.

I took this quiz

SOME STUFF ABOUT ME - The (re-edited) Survey
Name:	Muse
Birthday:	9-21-71
Birthplace:	Illinois
Where the hell are you:	at work
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair:	Brown
Height:	5'9
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Left
Your Heritage:	German, French, and a whole host of other stuff
The Shoes You Wore Today:	sneakers
Your Weakness:	being made fun of
Your Fears:	dying without love
Your Perfect Pizza:	white pizza! Olive oil, fresh tomato and garlic!
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	to get a hug
Your Most Overused Phrase On AIM:	dont use aim
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Why can't I just get paid to stay home and be online
Your Best Physical Feature:	Eyes
Your Bedtime:	way too early
Your Most Missed Memory:	dont know
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Burger King
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	neither
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappucino
Do you Smoke:	nope
Do you Swear:	hell yes
Do you Sing:	Yes like crazy!
Do you Shower Daily:	yes, you want to join?
Have you Been in Love:	I dont know lol
Do you want to go to College:	no
Do you want to get Married:	yes
Do you believe in yourself:	no
Do you get Motion Sickness:	yes
Do you think you are Attractive:	no
Are you a Health Freak:	no
Do you get along with your Parents:	sometimes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	YES
Do you play an Instrument:	no
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	no
In the past month have you Smoked:	no
In the past month have you done any drugs:	no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	no
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	lol yes
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no :(
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	yes
Ever been called a Tease:	yes
Ever been Beaten up:	yes i guess i was
Ever Shoplifted:	yes lol
How do you want to Die:	peacefully
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	do i have to grow up?
What country would you most like to Visit:	Ireland or scotland
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Green
Favourite Hair Color:	dont matter
Short or Long Hair:	short
Height:	taller than me :P
Weight:	average
Best Clothing Style:	clean cut
Number of virginities I have taken:	*blush* 2
Number of CDs I own:	4,000 (J/k) about 400
Number of Piercings:	2 (ears)
Number of Tattoos:	none
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	too many to count

Who wants to Live Forever?

So I took this test today….

What kind of a kisser are you?

I scored 88% romantic kisser.  I LOVE to kiss.  I could kiss for hours, just touching the other persons arm, stroking their cheek, holding tight.  I know of expected this answer heh.

The surprising test I took was the Harry Potter Alter Ego one.  I came out 75% Ron Weasley and 70% Albus Dumbledore!  Woot Muse power!


So I sat and stared at this blank screen for a good half hour before I started writing today.  Crony is in today and she’s sitting behind me typing away.  I’m tired, having only gotten about 8 hours sleep the entire weekend.   Friday night was nice.  Being on air until 4am lol, it’s been a LONG time since I did that.  Then Saturday was nice too.  Made some new friends in game (Something I love to do).  Sunday around 12 noon got sick, and was sick the ENTIRE rest of the day.  Now today I’m just tired.  That pretty much sums up the weekend in a nutshell.

Oh and I apologize if I was short with anyone yesterday.  When you’re in pain for any amount of time your temper is a bit short…  I don’t think I hurt anyone’s feelings but if I did I’m sorry.

I wrote a poem yesterday, my first in about two months.  I put it in my bio.  Three people read it.  Then I changed my bio back to what it was … forgetting to save the poem * frown *.  Bye bye poem…

Maybe I’ll write more later…  for now talk to you all soon.

Today all things are possible...

Today all things are possible.  

That’s my mantra today.  I went to bed last night at 10:30 or so. I literally logged off, quitting out so I wouldn’t get stuck in conversation.  Then I went straight to bed.  I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to sleep, but I did almost instantly fall asleep.  I dreamed last night too.  That’s rare for me.  I dreamt I was traveling, though I don’t know where or why.  I dreamt that Abin and Nojahele were with me.  I dreamt that we were a tight knit group on the plane, and that we were all enjoying ourselves.  I must miss those guys… I haven’t talked to them in a long time.

For all my talk of loneliness, today for the first time in a long time I don’t feel alone in real life.  Today I got to share with someone the mutual visions of what life would be like if we were a couple.  It was awesome.  Without saying a word we knew that the things we would want to do were similar.  So for now, I’m enjoying that today right this moment, I don’t feel alone.  It’s a joyous feeling.

It could be also that I got a good amount of sleep.  As Tony (Nyyrikki in game for those of you that know him) so aptly reminded me, “Sleep does that doesn’t it sis?”  I think it’s time for me to par down my onine games and choose where my online home will be until it either changes because of a new game, or change because of a new relationship. I’m having a tough time with this because I do like wow and the people that play it.  But I just can’t afford swg and wow and tso.  At this point I can’t get rid of TSO…  so it comes down to wow and swg.  Right now I’m having so much fun in swg.  I rarely if ever log into wow and that’s only to check email and say hello to a few people.  I feel bad if I cancel either one because I have so many people in both that I enjoy seeing.  But I think it’s time to get this online addiction under control.  Even if I cancel one, I still have TSO, either swg or wow, There, Guild Wars… plus the radio and website.  


I’ll have to choose soon.  For now, I must go both crony and Sharon are in, and Sharon is going on vacation AGAIN this time for a full week * sigh*. And they’re going to dock my pay for sick time with as much as Sharon is gone?  OH that’s right she owns the company forget setting an example right?  Whatever…


Today all things are possible… * breathe *

Fear...

Fear is always a good starter of all sorts of negativity.

Let’s say you invite someone who’s nice, well liked, but going through some trouble to a party.  This is a party YOU’RE hosting.  You’ve put a ton of effort into it because a lot of new friends that you’re not necessarily trying to impress but that you really like, are going to be there.  You invite this friend because you think they could use a break and enjoy some honest to goodness fun…

The party gets underway and your friend has taken to the festivities like a duck in water, fluidly making the rounds, meeting people.  You smile because you’re happy they’re happy.  Then you notice this friend gluing themselves (or so it seems) to people you were developing a friendship with.  A little odd you think, but you move on…

Then over the course of the next few days you see this friend all over with this other friend and what’s more you’re hearing rumors about this friend’s involvement with a few other people.  

As a friend this activity bothers you, even just the mention of it… This is so because of a few reasons…

1. You invited them.  People that met them see this person as someone YOU associate with.  The behavior you’re hearing about is not something you’d expect your friend to do, and while it’s their choice to do so, YOU invited them and now those actions may be impressed upon you.


2. This friend is so comfortable that they take things that were done for them, created for them, and decide they want to do something different.  IN their minds something better for the thing that was created for them.  While this in and of itself is not a problem they don’t even THINK to ask you or worry about how YOU might feel that they take what YOU made for them and redo it entirely as if what you did didn’t matter at all.


3. You never thought your friend would do the things you’re hearing about, indeed never thought them to do (see above) something like that.  You’ve been accustomed to having great amounts of respect for this person so these behaviors real or not, are a shock.


4. You’re afraid, that this paradise you’ve found will be taken from you as it’s riddled with underlying drama, the current of which is already strengthening.

The baseline for all this is fear.  Why can’t you just be happy for your friend?  So what if they want to do whatever with their time and with whomever they want.  It’s because you’re afraid.  Afraid they’re encroaching on your territory which you let them into.

The end result of this is hurt feelings, distrust, dislike, and brooding resentment.  

What does a person do about this?  How does one get past this so that there is no tension, dissension, distrust, or resulting sadness…?








SO today is Monday again.  That song “This is your life, are you who you want to be” keeps going through my head.  I have no clue who I want to be.  Five years ago I would have said a career woman.  Three years ago, I would have said a writer.  Now I say I just want to be a happy person but I don’t know what that happiness is…  

I envision being with someone.  Like, learning the RIGHT way to have a relationship the foundation of which is strong.  But I’m afraid because I’m SO addicted to the online world that I would shatter that.  Go outside and meet people you say?  Easy for you to say.  My opinion of myself at this point is so low that I can’t even look in the mirror at myself anymore.  I know the people that read this faithfully are going to say stuff like “You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful on the inside” etc etc and I thank them for saying it, and meaning it.  But it’s not enough.  I know I’m beautiful on the inside.  I may not feel it all the time, but I know I am.

Most people don’t see the inside.  At least they don’t look there first.  There is an excellent quote about this from the movie “Sex, Lies, and Videotape”

“Men love the women they’re attracted to, and Women are attracted to the men they love.”

So true.  In fact I was talking with someone the other day and I asked them as we were talking about relationships and such and the dynamics of them.  I said, “Do you like big women?” and the answer I received was “How Big”.  Maybe I’m judging too harshly but I was very upset by that comment.  I think the correct answer in MY opinion should have been, I like who my heart has love for. Or something like that…

But I digress, who do I want to be…that was the question I was asking wasn’t it?  

My answer is, I have no idea.  I’m 34 and I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.  

Random Poetry comin atcha
Wings flutter beating wildly against my caged heart
Free now, as the door swings open to soar
You lift me, your breath is the breeze that carries me
Your song my guide, the lighthouse in my storm
Higher, higher I fly fearing nothing your eyes in my sights
Your mouth moving, speaking
What?I didn’t hear you
I falter and fall slightly
“No please” I cry, “catch me….”
Not believing your words I implore you
Speak again…
Without batting a lash, your truth uttered
Skies swirl with angry tempests blocking the sun
The downburst of wind against my back knocking me
Spiraling, falling, no breeze to catch me
I thought you were different
The ground looms closer
My wings broken, my song dead, my voice gone
Tears land first shattering like the dreams I carried in me
Fractured…
© SKW
    

Friday and the ribbon of trust

Sigh…. Friday’s are supposed to be good days.

Today not only did crony show up at 7:30 (a full half hour earlier than normal) but she brought Sharon with her!  Sharon doesn’t come in sometimes until 9…  I look forward to my morning peace.  

I’m so discouraged by this (I didn’t want to be here today, but it’s payday… ) that I just can’t write a blog entry.  Maybe I’ll write more later


Random Poetry coming atcha (been a while for these eh?)
Trust, the ribbon that binds us all
Sparkling in rich colors of newness
Wrapping snugly like the tie that binds
How soon in one action does it become tarnished
Withered with age
To fall away discarded
Staring at the face of the friend I knew
Now the stranger unknown
Were you always there?
I must have been blind to think you were more honorable
The veil is off
The ribbon discarded
Trust, the ribbon that can easily be thrown away…

©SKW

I have two left hands :P

You ever hear the saying of having two left feet?  Well today I have two left hands.  I’m so inspired to write a poem the best I’ve gotten so far is just snippets… because I don’t know if I’m just highly emotional or what but my poetry keeps tripping over itself…Here’s one line:

Memory…the warm blanket of reminiscence

What the heck do I do with that? Lol

Anyway, I have so many thoughts I want to express today.  There are a few factors hindering this expression… 1. I’m tired as hell.  I didn’t fall asleep until after 1am.  2.  I’m FREEZING.  Jesus this office is like a meat locker, and I’ve turned the thermostat so it reads 80, but I’m still freezing!; and 3. I’m at the office so I could be interrupted at any time.  So knowing this, I’ll do the best I can in the short time I have.

Thoughts on romantic Love…
Young people love so openly.  Older people (not old, just older: P) Love more cautiously.  I thrill to the delight of love’s expression falling like rose petals off the lips of someone who just barely understands it.  But stand back behind a wall of caution too that I shouldn’t fall prey to the giddiness of someone’s moment.  If we could take the youthful jubilance of love coupled with the ability to take risks, and DESIRE to take risks from young folks… and put that together with the knowledge of experienced people but take out the jaded-ness, and/or fear of hurt WOW would people have an awesome love!  

Thoughts on friendship Love…
I LOVE my friends… LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  They give me the means to feel love.  They fill my hearts cup when I’m empty and give me peace when I’m sad.  Not to mention that as much as I’ve had to learn recently to count on my friends for support, they’ve not once failed me. The thing is, most of my friends with a few exceptions are online now.  And most of them have not even met me… and they support me just as much as the friends I have in real life.  They each do in their own unique way.  Whether it’s a response to a blog, reading a poem, listening in game, chatting in yim, sharing a vision through laughter, making me feel intelligent by understanding my wackiness, holding me in the pixilated world as I cry in real life, opening to me fully, or whatever… these people have been here.  There are waaaaay to many people I have to thank.  My Real life friends, I would have for sure not been able to survive this far without your support.  My online friends I would not be able to be so open if it weren’t for you as well.  I know I don’t talk to some people all the time.  I know I’m horrible at calling some people who continually call me.  I know I’m not always available in yahoo, but I am so grateful for every single one of you.  Everyday I’m grateful…

Ok I wanted to write more, but I’m so cold right now I can barely type.  I’m considering calling my boss and telling her I’m sick in an attempt to go home and get warm and sleep ooooh I could sleep right now.  I’m sooooooooooooooo tired….

Ciao for now

When does 4pm come....

So today I sit here at work with very little to do.  Yesterday was great, crony wasn’t in and neither was Sharon.  It was a great day.  Today while Sharon isn’t in crony is… * sigh *.

Last night’s post was born out of fear and pain.  Thank you for responding Kami I do know that many people yourself included care deeply for me.  It wasn’t so much that people didn’t care last night, but it was because of something physically that happens to me that I can’t think of suffering in front of another.  That’s why I said the things I said.

Today is better for sure in that area.  But I am tired and my heart is still racing….

I’ve started writing on the boards again this time in journal format under the Games/Role Play/Star Wars and Sci-Fi stories & RP section.  You might take a look at them and give me feedback in the OOC forum.  

I’m having a ton of fun in SWG again.  My world in WoW suffers for this as I have not been in WoW save for a few seconds to check email, in over a week.  I’m sorry to all my friends in WoW that miss me.  I’ll be back I’m sure, but I needed a break.  Being a no stress entertainer (well stress in what I want to do, write, and decorate) has given me the means to be a bit more grounded lately and more of myself.  I’m not longer the foul mouthed muse who has to report people everyday for the nasty things they call her… It’s more like being in TSO and truly being the muse, but in SWG on Chilastra.  There’s none of the split negativity left over from starsider, its just pure fun.  That’s just what I need for now.  If any of my WoW friends read my blog pass the word on that I WILL be back, and that they can catch me on xfire as caliope or yim as suekw71, or in a galaxy far far away…  

Anyway… more later.

Things I know

I know now, that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. If not because of my weight, then because of my body. Dana alone knows of the things that happen to me that are the reason I say this. I can't control it, and it happens without warning... I can't imagine being with someone and having to go through the embarrassment of what happens to me. So I know that no matter what... unless a miracle happens or I find a blind man to love me... I'm going to be alone.

...

The year in review

The year in review…


Today’s birthday holds no real significance for me.  Meaning that, it’s just a year.  But I’m really trying to focus on the special-ness of being born today.  Does that sound strange?  Heh, I’m so used to not even remembering my own damn birthday.  Indeed a few have forgotten it a few times in my history as well.  Sometimes when I’m down I feel like I don’t even remember that I was born, I was created, I am a miracle.  

Birth is a miracle.  Being created, is a miracle.  We get so caught up in daily life that sometimes perhaps we forget that we were created.  Lovingly created… and that makes EVERY SINGLE one of us special.

Yesterday I got all depressed thinking “Oh my god it’s been another year and I’ve done nothing!”  But that’s not what’s important is it?  Maybe it shouldn’t be all about your accomplishments but merely that you live.  

I think that for my down sides (and there are many *laugh*) there are some very good upsides too.  

A lot of people may have varied opinions of me.  Some have even gone as far to call me hippy.  This is due to the fact that I walk around telling everyone how special they are.  It doesn’t bother me that people think I may be a little nuts as long as they hear me speak.  Because even the most hardened mind will hear “You’re special” and somewhere along their life perhaps something will water that little seed I’ve planted.  And someday even perhaps that person will feel the truth of what I said.  

I am able to do this so freely online.  It’s the perfect environment for it.  Not only do most who are online come here to hide, but most are able to immerse themselves in the comfort of this world, that they don’t fight… they listen.

People share their darkest fears here; their deepest secrets (look at some of these blogs, or poetry posted).  It’s the perfect time to remind them they’re special.  

Do I have some greater purpose?  No…  I just think that on occasion we’re given rare glimpses of what real beauty is.  It’s not some perfect face, perfect life, or even a beautifully perfect rose, it’s the fact that we can SEE life, FEEL life, LIVE life.  The true beauty is in the miracle of us… each of us and today without fear of conceit, I celebrate the miracle of birth.  Happy birthday to everyone born this day.  Happy birthday to myself, and happy day to those sharing in the moment with others.

What a way to ruin a Birthday Morning *Long Post*

What a way to ruin a birthday morning. *LONG POST*

I have avoided writing about this for a long time now. But seeing as he thrust himself into prominence today, I figure I can return the favor.

I have a friend who’s been my friend for 15 years. We’ve been through some rough spots. Indeed when we argue the resulting argument is a shouting match because he wont listen at all, followed up with not talking for a few months. For all our dark spots, we have still remained friends somehow, for 15 years.

Three years ago I suffered depression as a result of things in my life. Three years ago I entered the comfort of the online world. I entered it only to hide. I had no idea when I did, that I would meet such wonderful people. Some of these people I now call family and many are close personal friends. I’ve met people from the “online world” . Shared secrets with them, shared hugs, tears etc. It’s not perfect and I have my share of hurts there too, but it’s been what I immerse myself in for three years now, and addicted or not, I don’t think I’ll be stopping anytime soon.

This friend I mention above, out of the very few real life friends I have, has stuck by me. In the sense that for the past two years despite my not calling him, or going over to his house, he still called every once in a while to check up on me. I was impressed because this is a level of maturity he had not had before. For this reason I would occasionally call him, and even though when I would see him, the visits were a bit strained, I would see him on occasion.

Let me tell you why I didn’t call him as much as lets say Dana or my online friends. First, whenever I call him (and maybe it’s because I don’t have much going on and so have not much to say) he’s always telling me about his life etc. I don’t mind that, I rather enjoy hearing about what he’s doing. But then he peppers the conversation with how I should just get over it, it was just a divorce, and I have to move on. He continues about his “thing” he is in. A group of folks that work hard to have fearless living. I support his endeavors, but I do not have to be an active part of them. As to why I don’t hang out with him, well that’s simple… 1. he smokes cigarettes still and I can’t stand it, nor do I want to go through cravings again just to be around him. And 2. He still smokes pot, and I don’t want to be around that either.

Aside from this, I remember times where I felt him looking at me accusingly in his house when I didn’t act a certain way or did something he felt I shouldn’t do (I wont go into it, that’s WAY too personal). I know that between he and his partner they talked about me… and that furthermore, to me, they each talked about or agreed with me on certain points if it benefited their needs.

Now before you go thinking he’s just a prick (while I’m liable to agree today) hold on. Aside from the failures, he’s been there through some of my roughest times. As a teenager (which is the last time I can remember thinking, “Yea I know he’d be there for me no matter what”) he shared one of my roughest times with me. Unfortunately afterwards, he felt it ok to tell everyone about it, (his partners etc) as it was a part of his life, never bothering to keep me out of it because I might want that trauma I suffered to remain private. I had to tell him several times to leave me out of it if he insisted on telling people about it.

A few weeks ago, I got a scathing message from him on my home phone. That if I don’t call him back then I’m not his friend blah blah blah. I didn’t call him back. Honestly I didn’t because that same day he signed on yahoo and we chatted while I was on air. I didn’t get his message until the next day and thought it was null and void since we spoke.

Which brings me to this morning.

I was having a good morning. On my way to work talking to Tony, and he calls. So I answer it, and he sings me happy birthday and I breathed an audible sigh of relief, thinking “ok this will be a nice call”. He tells me all about his up coming show that he’s choreographed, 90% of the proceeds of which will be donated to Katrina relief etc. Tells me all about his partners job and how well that’s going and all sorts of catch up on his life. By this time I’m at work but crony isn’t in so I let him keep talking. Then he asks me how I’m doing…

I’m ok, I tell him. Not much to report. And then he drops the bomb, “well I chase and chase and I’m just not doing it anymore, because I don’t feel you’re my friend”. So I said simply “Ok.” So we stood in silence for 20 seconds, before I said “I’m not sure what you want me to say”. I told him I wont deny him his feelings, but that if he feels that way it’s born of his own insecurities, not my lack of calls. (Keep in mind when I HAVE called him, I’ve had heart to heart chats with him sometimes with me in tears about how it’s not about him, I’m not ignoring him, I just have some things going on. So he’s informed… )

The conversation just degraded from there. I don’t remember all that was said, but he implied that I’m not his friend and that I don’t even know. I explained calmly that MANY people in my real life, my mother included don’t get phone calls. Hell I’m lucky if I can manage email sometimes. And well.. the rest doesn’t matter. What matters is that I finally said to him “Look, I don’t deny you your feelings, but I’m not going to argue this today.” Outside at this point I hear crony fumbling with the door so I said “I am at work, I have to go” at which point he hung up on me.

Part of me keeps saying, I don’t want a friend like that anyway and if I measured up all the bad things that our friendship has suffered it would far outweigh the good things. Part of me is just hurt that he would say those things to me, especially today… but still part of me knows on some level he is right. I didn’t call him or see him, so maybe I let go of the friendship a while ago. Either way, it was still a shitty way to make someone feel on their birthday.

Thanks D****.

This is your life, are you who you want to be…

These words keep going through my head.  I posted a request on CHICwit, telling people of my skills and seeing if anyone had any opportunities.  I’ve received a few responses.  I was excited, to the point of feeling some hope even as I felt trepidation (a higher position means less online time).  But the point is I felt hope.  

I just now was in the bathroom putting my hair in some clips (its soooo damn long now lol) and I sat at my desk pondering how good it might feel to try and be … well … different than I am now.  That’s when it hit me like a Mack truck.  Reality…

See it’s not that I can’t get a job, because I lack skill.  It’s not even that the market is too bad (even as slow as it is, I’ve never had a problem finding work).  My immediate problem that has BEEN my problem since 1999, is my weight.  Then in 2003 couple that with depression.  I never had a problem getting an interview.  I was a powerhouse in my interviews.  I know all the right things to do, say, be. Etc.  However, in 2003 I stopped getting interviews.  Then I just stopped looking with the exception of the few times I tried.

Everyone bases things on appearance, even if they try not to..  even if they’re successful at not judging.  At some point the demon of conformity creeps into their minds, even if they push it away.  Employers are no different.  They are in fact, worse.  They have a business to run.  So the bottom line is what they focus on.  There is no room for “hey look at me, I work well” if they see you’re overweight.  Overweight to them, means higher insurance premiums, and less face to face customer interaction.  And in customer service of a higher position than just answer phones or telemarketing…appearance is everything.  

So as I felt elated, now I feel defeated.  * sigh *

I won’t judge these people who requested resumes.  I will give them one… but I won’t hold my breath.  We’ll see

SO much more I could type about my weekend.  I’ll have to do it later…

Avocados yummmmm

Avocados…  yummmmm

So my mothers birthday gift came last night.  It came late, but that’s ok it came.  She gave me a gift of delivered groceries.  Among the myriad of things ordered, were… yup you guessed it, AVOCADOS.  So last night at nearly 10pm I had dinner.  A banana, two chips, and AVOCADO!!!  Yummmmmmmm.  Avocado and sushi, they’re like my two drugs lol.  

I feel better today though it’s only because it’s Friday.  I tried desperately to figure out a reason to call in today.  That’s such a sign to me of my severe dislike of this place.  I just don’t want to be here.  I fought it, of course, but even while driving I still was thinking “You can just turn around.. it might even work in your favor!”.

I am tired today, but at least my eyes aren’t burning.  I hate when they burn …  But I didn’t fall asleep until almost 1am last night.  I waited up like an idiot.  I shouldn’t have, I should know better than to think, well never mind.

So this morning I got up late as usual and bolted around the house getting ready.  I made it out the door 15 minutes late (which isn’t bad) and through a series of speeding and luck made it to work at 7:04.  * Whew *

Now I’m sitting here looking at my work pile (which consists of filing and three follow ups) and wondering how the HELL I’m going to make it through today.  You have NO idea how incredibly hard it is to make it look like your busy when you’re not.  And I’ve almost gotten approval for the final web page so I can’t even pretend that I’m working on that.  And once that’s done I have no hope of working on anyone else’s web page while at work.  Plus since the network guy was here on Wednesday I had to send all my files home and clean off my pc.  It’s probably safest to do that anyway, but still.  

Even now, if I could find a suitable reason to do so, I would make an excuse call Sharon and leave.  But given how badly messed up this check was, means that next check is ALSO messed up and while I’m salaried, I don’t want them to start deciding to dock me days off because I miss too many.

I’m going to try and get home early enough to get a playlist together for tonight’s show.  I went on air last night to cover for someone.  So I’ll be on air again tonight, and probably Saturday night too.  I don’t know what to do about Saturday.  The 12pm D.J. stepped down, so 12-3 is open… I could go on then and not have to go on sat night, but nighttime on the weekends is usually when folks are hopping.  I don’t know we’ll see.  I have sugar so I intend to be totally sugared out :P

I might write more later… for now I’m tired.  Thanks for reading and replying.  I’m glad people read this.  I personally think it’s crap (You know the Enquirer of the blog world :P) but I am glad nonetheless to see people reading and responding.

* hug * Kami, Kyle, Dana, Beth, Militis, and anyone else who’s read and posted

I should have known

I should have known that after the last check fiasco that I would not get my check around lunchtime today.  Hopefully nothing else clears, I’m already in the negative which eats into the money I was going to put away… well ok eats it all up. I hate paydays.  


Not only that, I am so tired of this budgeting crap.  Total rant here, but I need to vent.  

So one of my monthly bills increased by $3.  I had $10 in my account, I got $9 in gas and I’ve been sick over whether or not I can get to work or not right? I borrowed money from my mom ( IHATE doing that) and the charge that I had at $14.99 came through at $17.99 and bounced my account by 97 CENTS.  Now the bank wants an additional $30.  There goes the money I was going to have in the house for gas if needed.  

Oh that’s not all… I had another charge budgeted for $7.99 and it came through alright, but on my credit card which was maxxed.  Instead of the $15.00 payment I had slated for them now I have to pay them $36.97 as they charged me $29 for over the limit…


And we’ll just add to this pile of SHIT, my license,  drivers license expires 9-21.  Happy Fucking Birthday to me.  Where the hell am I going to find $10 for this too on top of the $60 in EXTRA charges I had?!?!

The BEST part of this rant, wait for it, it’s god damn good…


My check was $91 SHORT.  They decided to make it an even number check, when last month is was exactly one half my monthly pay… Now they’re doing me a favor cutting me two checks and I’m not feeling much love anyway here, but not only did I LOSE $60 in charges that were unexpected, but my check was $91 SHORT.


I QUIT… I’m so tired of this.  No matter what I do I can’t plan enough!
    

STOP the press!

OMG stop the press, I’ve either had too much sleep or I don’t know what.  This whole shift in thought has me scared.

But it was just a moment or two, and perhaps excitement is infectious after all.  Bleh… I don’t want to be excited about someone else’s ability to spend money.  

Maybe my excitement is that I get paid today and I too join the ranks of people able to spend money…  Hmmm….

SO today Sharon was talking AGAIN of her house remodeling.  Most of it went over my head like the breeze in the air that I can only attribute to be her hot air.  Ooops was that my speaking voice?  

Anyway, she mentioned something that caught my ear and * gasp * got my attention!.  The painter that came and painted her house painted her light fixtures to look like stained glass.  Oooooh, ahhhhh… When I moved into my apartment they had to replace the bathroom hanging lights for me.  When they took the old ones down, for some reason I asked if I could keep them, and they said yes.  I’m thinking about this painting thing… Maybe make my very own candle holders (the electrical housing is bad).  
Then I started thinking of all the crafting I used to do and got excited thinking that maybe, just maybe I could drag my ass offline for a day to indulge in some creation of something or other.  

Oh wait; hmm it’s been an hour now.  The feeling is passed.  

Ooh I joined the newest part of allpoetry.com today.  It’s called Share Poetry and it’s where serious poets can post and request NON sugar coated candy apple responses from fellow poets.  Hmmph, we’ll see what happens.  I only posted one so far.. Sleepers.

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday.  Why can’t you just be Friday?


Random Poetry

Switching lanes I digress into the slow lane
To my left speeding bullets of the life I should lead
Go by in a blur
The police cars waiting are those voices of expectation
“Halt!”  “Do you know you were ignoring your life?”
Ticketed with an LUI “Living under the influence of something different than expected”
I numbly go back to my day
Where is my radar detector so I can avoid this next time…?  

(wow I have no idea about this one lol… I would really like to see your feedback on this random poem.  Do you think I should post it? Or is it just mindless garbage to be tossed onto the piling heap :P )

*Yawn*

Man I love to read people’s blogs.  I know it may sound lame but people write so well in them!  And then I look at mine heh…  Why on earth do you all read this garbage I call my blog?

Random Poetry..

None today, I wrote a pretty dark one at AP if you care to read it.  

http://allpoetry.com/Poem/1509304

Monday...*cry* I want to go back to bed!

So it’s Monday…  Let’s recap the weekend shall we?

Friday Night: Go on air, have some fun, get really violently sick, end fun …

Saturday: Re-discover the joys of SWG and having fun.  Meet and be accepted by a group of folks who only loves to have fun.  Have 87 Listeners on the station! WOOT, Go on air and have an AWESEOM time.  Go to different online game fully happy for the time I’ve had, get cursed out horribly so, get upset, end fun…Go to sleep

Sunday: Have Celtic connection broadcast (slow songs, etc) have a lot of listeners.  Get to talk to a few people in SWG and discover awesome new friendships.  Feel really in my element for the first time in months, Go off air, putz around cleaning and what not.  Go back on air with an impromptu broadcast for “just a little bit”.  Remain on air having a party (a WILD party) for a good 3-4 hours.  Leave one game for another, have a mildly good time (only because of the company I kept did I have fun...).  Upset someone, Realize it’s waay past my bedtime, pass out.


So all in all I think it was a good weekend?

Now I’m back in the office with crony behind me.  I’m starving and have nothing except ramen.  Ramen for breakfast is where I draw the line.  So now I’m working on ignoring the hunger pangs that plague me while crony cooks up some scrumptious smelling breakfast for herself.

I have tea though!  That’s something, right?  Maybe I’ll write more later, for now I feel too discombobulated (Word for the day :P) to write more.

(volumes of things I wish I could say, but I just can’t post here…)

I've heard of cold showers, but DAYUM this takes the cake.

I was really late to work today.  And on a day that crony is in * sigh *.  Oh well.  I showered this morning, in ICE COLD water.  I mean, I had the knob turned ALL the way to hot and there wasn’t a single drop of even lukewarm water!  It was awful.  I frequently take cold-ish showers… I prefer them to hot ones, but this was crazy!  By the time I was trying to rinse conditioner out of my hair I was shivering and each drop of water was like an ice shard that penetrated my skin before freezing me thoroughly.  And now a few hours later I’m still chilled.  Muse Popsicle…who wants one!

More I suppose to come later… right now I get to listen to crony yell at me because the office ordered Chinese yesterday and she claims to have told me on Wednesday that she wanted to order Chinese today and as a result didn’t bring her lunch * sigh * ..  I have the cash that everyone gave me yesterday because I didn’t have $3.50 in cash so I had to use my card… Even though I have to put that in the bank and probably sooner rather than later (or I’ll bounce) perhaps she would like me to spend that?  Jeez I can’t win for nothing…. Yesterday I ordered WITH the office and had to charge it, now I have to go to the bank to deposit and today I’m being “talked to” by crony.  This sucks….

Happy Birthday Dana! (oh and work sucks :P)

So bloglines has this nifty little tool;  blog for word.  So now I’m blogging literally from word… No internet explorer page to be open, no way for crony to see that I’m talking about her :P heh.  

Sharon is off again.  She took Tuesday off and is “working from home today”.  So that leaves Crony who had the damn good work ethic to come in yesterday (she normally only works Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but Monday was a holiday) and then of course today * sigh *.  I’ll never be rid of her.  She has been unnaturally sweet to me lately.  I wonder if my silent treatment of both her and Sharon for a day did anything.  I wasn’t trying to do anything, I just couldn’t speak to them for fear I would say something bad.  

To date, I still don’t have an answer to my email.  Sharon said in her email (which I copied in here) Payday is always the last day of the month.  Well crony, before she decided she didn’t like me offered other payday arrangements to me, which at the time I thought was damn cool of her.  I reiterated them to Sharon (always be safe you know. CYA) and all was confirmed.  Now I’m not so sure based on what Sharon said.  And I’ll tell ya, if they change the pay arrangements they made, I’m uber screwed this check.  Royally… because that’s over a grand I wont see until a full two weeks later.  I sent Sharon an email right away of course re-confirming our arrangements, but she must have been sooo busy thinking about her vacation that she forgot (cant you see the dripping sarcasm?).  

Winter is coming, and I still have  no insurance.  Today I not only have a sinus headache but I’m feeling a bit like i have a cold.  I have to figure something out for this…  I can’t be without insurance.

So I’m at work today and I had about 7 things set to do, and while Sharon “works at home” she gave me a few more.  (Did someone say working from home?  Heh I wonder…)  Anyway it’s not 9am and I’ve gotten all but 2 things done, and those two are things I can’t do until later (the office I have to call about them doesn’t open until 11am).  So it’s just crony and I, and I didn’t sleep well (finally fell asleep at 1:45 and up at 6) and I have nothing to do.  I even redesigned one of the company’s web pages I was working on.  The thing is crony sits behind me and she could be turned around looking at me and I wouldn’t even know it because my back is to her.  So I can’t work on other peoples websites though I would love to.  I have two I want to get done quickly…  

Hey Happy Birthday Dana!!  I’m so excited.. I remembered.

I swear once upon a time I decided I didn’t care about my birthdays.  Seriously I don’t.  It’s been so long since I got a birthday gift, that wasn’t something I “needed”.  Even this year lol I asked my mom who wanted to take me clothes shopping (last time I bought clothes, jeez was at least 5 years ago) to instead let me get things I needed like… groceries :P .  So many people I know have birthdays in September…  Lets see if my mind can remember them all :P

Blanche 9-1
Dana – 9-7
Chris 9-18
Carl 9-21
Me
Linda 9-28

I know there are more I’m forgetting :P The thing that sucks is after September I have a few October friends too.  Beth is 10-20? Daved is 10-7 or 10-10 I never remember (I’ve known him for 15 years lol I STILL can’t remember his damn birthday).

Then some November ones Kyle, Mary etc… * sigh* I hate remembering dates.


Thanks Kami for helping me with that link.  You’re awesome!!!

Well I suppose I should go and try to write more later…      

Ok so I'm a retard

I can't figure out how to load the damn picture...

Lets see if this works

Bleh

So lately I’ve been in a bit of a slump.  Well not lately… for a long time.  You gauge things in your life by markers you’re familiar with you know?  Like, it’s bad, but you know it’s really bad if (insert your milestone here) happens.  For me, I know it’s really bad … when I can’t even write.  Writing for me has become my cheap therapy.  I write it out.  But what do you do when you can’t write it out?

You don’t know the effort it took to write this blog entry even….


I feel like my creativity and life line was running along a big pipe flowing smoothly...and  then somewhere something got pinched and now not only is the flow stopped, but now there’s a backup too.

I spent my weekend in game again.  It’s funny… someone mentioned Xfire to me and I registered.  XFire is this cool little thing that shows you how long you’ve played games etc.  Yea, I was pretty shocked to see my stats this morning.  Last week I spent the equivalent of almost a FULL work week, in game.  Take a peek… (this will update continually so this number may change, but at the time of this post I had spent 38 hours last week in World of Warcraft, OH and 11 in SWG. )

Even during game, I spent the latter portion of this weekend with a massive sinus headache…. One day it just hurt, the next day it hurt so bad my forehead was sensitive to the touch!  It still is a little bit…I’m dreading winter, cold season, flu, and me… no insurance

I went to SWG for the first time in months this past weekend.  I think it’s the first time I’ve seen it since I got the new PC and WOW it’s beautiful.  In any event  I have all these descriptives that I want to write about something… maybe like an RP or something but I feel like their may be no point you  know?  So I don’t write it.  Same with poetry lately…  So I have all this bottled up inside of me and no desire to write it out.  The result is a lifeless me sitting in front of the PC occasionally enjoying bursts of happiness but mainly only going through the motions.

Ever feel like you just can’t wake up?

What a bleh day, week, weekend, life….

Random poetry….
Someone bring my muse back, because I think she ran away.  (No poetry today folks.. sorry.  I’m not sure it really mattered anyway, so I’m sure you’re not missing much.)    

TGIF and an extra day off (THANK GOD)

So today’s Friday. Thanks god. I was so tired last night I fell asleep at my desk at 7pm. I woke up every 20 min or so simply to keep myself in game because I wasn’t sure I was going to stay up or not. Finally at about 7:45 I logged out of game and went to the couch thinking I would read. I didn’t wake up until the phone rang at 1am. Then I went to bed at 1:15 and didn’t get up again until 4am, then I went back to bed right away and didn’t get up until 6am (almost). I must have needed some sleep eh?

I starve myself of sleep a lot. I need to stop doing that during the work week at least. Tonight I’m supposed to go on air. Yesterday someone blew off their shift. If I’m not there it seems people forget things. But I can only go on air if the mood and energy is right, otherwise it’s just music being played you know? I hope it will work ok today. I have a little cash with me so on the way home from work I’m going to get a latte. Heh, that will be a treat for me. I have cash enough to get a few groceries and I may get some basics on the way home. But the money I have for groceries is all I have that’s extra and I kind of want to hold onto it incase something comes up (as it invariably always does).

I have to go to my moms early tomorrow morning to help bathe my dog. This serves as my reminder.

I called my ex mother in law yesterday to wish her a happy birthday. She made mention to the fact that Emily is coming home for good in about three weeks and shewould definitely be contacting me. Heh, we’ll see. Considering I’ve left her more messages than I’ve left folks that call me daily, and she hasn’t returned my calls… we’ll see.

Stephanie Bogdan an old friend of mine recently got in touch with me via classmates.com. What is it with people coming out of the woodwork to get in touch with me. I mean I haven’t talked to her in 15 years! First Dan last year (that was a waste of time). Then Stephanie this year, what’s next Cassie? The girl who wanted to kick my ass forever? Is she coming next? Lol…

Believe it or not when I was growin up I had a much harder shell than I do now. But before you start thinking I was some badass, I was still the muse. I think I’ve always been the muse in some respects. I can remember giving gifts to people for no reason. Trying to make people feel good all the time, etc. It’s funny, people either loved me for it or wanted to kick my ass for it lol. Cassie wanted to kick my ass :P

Even back then I made a few people’s days. I have on occasion received emails from the people that always remembered me as being the one that turned their life around just from the one liner I said, or the one time I did something. That amazes me. I mean I’m happy for them of course, but that “one day” I did something just seems like something so small.

I remember one day in High School. In my junior year, I suffered a SEVERE backlash from the entire junior class. There were rumors all abound about me because no one understood what I had gone through for one month that kept me out of classes. You should hear some of the rumors… “I hear she killed someone and is in prison” lol what a joke. “I hear she went crazy and broke everything in sight” Just crazy rumors. Anyway, when I returned to school barely anyone would talk to me. I was a loner anyway pretty much. I had my friends outside the school system. I didn’t want friend in the cliques of high school. And as I was walking down the hall some girl was in tears over some people that made her feel like crap. I’ll never forget because I said this in passing to her. I didn’t even know her… I said “Listen people will always try and bring you down when you have a gift that they want or know they can’t have… so FUCK them. Live your life and enjoy it, because you live it for YOU, not for them.” She just stared at me as I walked away a smile on my face.

At the end of the year, I received a gift of a t-shirt or sweater ( I lost it when I moved to Naperville L ). And on it, she stitched my angel. Ironic considering when I was gone for a month my nickname among those who knew what I went through was “angel”. She wrote me a letter thanking me profusely for offering her the turning point in her life when she stood up to people and was a bettter person for it , etc. There are so many of those memories I have inside me.

Those memories get lost sometimes for me, when I focus on all my failings. I’m too fat, I’m too poor, I’m too addicted to online, I’m a horrible friend, I’m never going to be very intelligent, I’m never going to be beautiful, I’m never going to have my dream house (which even if I could would be a marvel if I could find an architect to buildit lol), I’m never going to find love again that is fulfilling… so many things. These are my demons. These and the spirits/energy of those both online and offline who have hurt me. When I’m in the throes of the torments of this, it’s hard to remember the little bright specks of light in my life where even when I suffered the most, somehow I wound up shining for someone.

I revel in those moments right now and allow myself to feel proud. As humble as I am, I’m proud that for a special few I’ve made a difference. I’m going to hold tight to this feeling this morning. So in the face of crony and her whisperings, and in the face of Sharon and whomever else brings me down (including my demons) I will remember that as Jessie said I do have a special gift and sometimes…. Just sometimes I’ve let it shine and made a difference.

Random Poetry comin atcha…(not really random, but a favorite from Emily Dickinson)
Emily Dickinson - Awake ye muses nine
Awake ye muses nine, sing me a strain divine,
Unwind the solemn twine, and tie my Valentine!
Oh the Earth was made for lovers, for damsel, and hopeless swain,
For sighing, and gentle whispering, and unity made of twain.
All things do go a courting, in earth, or sea, or air,
God hath made nothing single but thee in His world so fair!
The bride, and then the bridegroom, the two, and then the one,
Adam, and Eve, his consort, the moon, and then the sun;
The life doth prove the precept, who obey shall happy be,
Who will not serve the sovereign, be hanged on fatal tree.
The high do seek the lowly, the great do seek the small,
None cannot find who seeketh, on this terrestrial ball;
The bee doth court the flower, the flower his suit receives,
And they make merry wedding, whose guests are hundred leaves;
The wind doth woo the branches, the branches they are won,
And the father fond demandeth the maiden for his son.
The storm doth walk the seashore humming a mournful tune,
The wave with eye so pensive, looketh to see the moon,
Their spirits meet together, they make their solemn vows,
No more he singeth mournful, her sadness she doth lose.
The worm doth woo the mortal, death claims a living bride,
Night unto day is married, morn unto eventide;
Earth is a merry damsel, and heaven a knight so true,
And Earth is quite coquettish, and beseemeth in vain to sue.
Now to the application, to the reading of the roll,
To bringing thee to justice, and marshalling thy soul:
Thou art a human solo, a being cold, and lone,
Wilt have no kind companion, thou reap'st what thou hast sown.
Hast never silent hours, and minutes all too long,
And a deal of sad reflection, and wailing instead of song?
There's Sarah, and Eliza, and Emeline so fair,
And Harriet, and Susan, and she with curling hair!
Thine eyes are sadly blinded, but yet thou mayest see
Six true, and comely maidens sitting upon the tree;
Approach that tree with caution, then up it boldly climb,
And seize the one thou lovest, nor care for space, or time!
Then bear her to the greenwood, and build for her a bower,
And give her what she asketh, jewel, or bird, or flower
– And bring the fife, and trumpet, and beat upon the drum
– And bid the world Goodmorrow, and go to glory home!

Delusions

Ok so we all have this image we like to think we portray. Some of us actually do portray what we think we are, some of us don’t but WISH we could. That's ok too because it spurs us to do better, be better, try harder. Then there's the group who don't portray but live deluded thinking we actually do. Now these people have it hard, because they're the ones who will twist little happenings to make it seem that what they portray is real. I feel sorry for these people.

I know someone who thinks that other think they're very good at a certain thing (name withheld for obvious reasons folks). In fact it's all they talk about to me on the phone even. Over and over and over again I hear "they know who I am, they fear me, they know I'm good". I've even seen this person say in general public or in groups of specific people, "I am so and so" and this person actually expects these people to know of them. Not only that, but to also acknowledge their greatness?!

The thing that sucks the most about this, is that people while nice, civil and sometimes courteous when on the same side... Really do NOT have the impression of this person that they think or wish others did. As a matter of fact, while the person I know thinks they do sooo good, the other people I'm with at the time waste no time saying "they suck".

Self awareness, admittance of one's talents even in the face of others who may not think you're talented, is good. But to take it to delusional status is bad. It's to the point where I don’t want to talk to this person because all they think is they have this reputation, and they're "known" when they Maybe be known, but it's not for how they think it is. It's quite the opposite. People think this person is a joke, and is not good at what they claim to be. It puts me in a bad spot.

As far as I'm concerned I try to have humility at all times. Probably to my downfall even. But last night I got some validation that gave me a swell of pride. Someone I fight with (PVP in WoW) that I always have a hard time with. You know, the kind where you groan when you see them in your game queue? Well every time they're in game I always thought they hated me. I found out from them last night that not only do they not hate me, but they have respect for me and ENJOY fighting against me because they know I'm good. This is what THEY say to me, without any pre-empting from me. In other words
I didn’t ask for the compliment, it was given without need to be given. That makes me feel good.

I suck at fighting. I’m sooooooooo highly competitive. My fingers get like ice blocks and my face gets all hot when I pvp…. And that’s in a good match. GOD FORBID it be a bad match. During PVP is one of the few times I cannot control my mouth and I spill forth curses openly and loudly . It’s a nasty habit of mine and when I do it, I always want to never pvp again if only to avoid looking like a. a sore loser or b. a potty mouth. I work everyday to get that under control.
***************************************************************************
Today is payday and it can’t come any quicker. I think I drove to work on fumes today . I need food in my house, gas in my car (immediately) and a whole host of bills paid lol.

I’m sooo tired today. I have started Book 4 of the Harry Potter series. And I stayed up until 1:30 to read some of it. It’s the first book in the series that I haven’t seen a movie for already. I’m looking forward to reading this before the movie comes out and then catching up with the rest of the world and reading through the new book.

Well not much else for now. Cronie is in the office now, and while I’ve no doubt she’s busy (it IS payday after all) she does seem to enjoy singling me out for thing. I suppose I shouldn’t give her anything to single me out for eh?

Random Poetry coming atcha...
I'm tired I can't write poetry now :P

Monday's suck, DONT SNORT WASABI lol

Monday blah blah blah

Ok so I was reading someone’s blog today and I had to stifle laughter… They made mention of a friend who snorted wasabi lol… I just think that’s funny as hell! I actually had to cover my mouth because I laughed so hard. Who the HELL would snort ANYTHING let alone wasabi!?!? Lol

Ok ok I know, get it under control. So this week is going to be a short week. This weekend was supposed to be musecon but it was cancelled. It’s a good thing really, because I don’t have money again. Lol Here we go again…

It kind of sucks because I wish I had some money to make my little vacation fun. I would buy avocados (yes avocados) and I would treat myself to a sushi dinner one night. It may sound strange but I’ve been enjoying being offline and reading (yes, you read right) R E A D I N G. I used to do it all the time. It’s taken a bit, but it seems with a good four hours or so, I can finish an entire book. I’ve read a new Dean Koontz book, (Thank you Corwin!) and two of the 6 Harry Potter books (again thank you corwin!). He bought me both of those… (the 6 set of Harry potter! As WELL as the dean koontz book). So I finished book two of the Harry potter series this weekend. It will be nice to start reading a book that I haven’t seen the movie for already. Not that they aren’t good mind you, but it will be nice to not know what’s coming up.

Ooh I’ve also started enjoying sleeping on my couch on the weekend’s lol. I never even go to my room on the weekend anymore, well sometimes. My couch has these great recliners at each end. They literally go so flat you’d think you were in bed, except for the lumpy pillows of course. I mean it’s only natural right? I get dressed in that room too so why not?

I have to start considering other places to live… I have to move by July 1 of 2006. You may think it’s far off, but finding a place, getting approved, etc takes time. So I’m starting now. Believe it or not, I got a call from a company in Tennessee. We’ll see what happens with that, but if I get an offer and I can’t refuse it, I guess I STILL could be moving there. Tennessee is close enough to home that I could drive back if needed, but far enough away to be new.

Ill add more later, my boss is out of town and while you think that would be a good thing, her cronies are practically dive bombing me to check my pc and see what I’m doing lol…

Tuesday and I'm still tired...

I'm tired all the time. Granted last night I went to bed at 12:30am or so, but still yesterday I slept in until 12:30pm. I dont know where I read it but somewhere I read an article about skin cancer. There's three types. I only knew of one... Apparently there are two less deadly skin cancers. I forget their names, but I'm sure if you're really that interested you can google it. However as I was reading about one type I absentmindedly scratched my arm as I've been doing for over a month now. I kept reading about this type of skin cancer that shows up in pink dots or dot on your arm that itch. Then I look down and see I've been scratching a pink dot for a long time now, and I have a few more.

hmmm


I still dont have insurance so I guess I'll never know (unless I die from it, which as I understand it isn't likely? Or maybe I just hope that)

Damn, even Blogs can't escape SPAM

So I get all excited because someone posted a reply to my blog... and then I see this:

Anonymous said...
If you are alone, call this number 800-211-9293. Connect with Real Singles from your local area instantly for only $0.99/min with a $4.99 connection fee. A true Match is only one phone call away 800-211-9293. Meet people with common interests and desires now. Check it out. 800-211-9293
8-11-2005; 9:16 AM

What the hell is that?!?!?! God, advertising companies are such leeches, praying on people and sucking everything that has any potential to be good and healthy (writing in a journal for example) and turning it into a means to make money. Damn we as a people are lost... so lost.

Random Poetry comin atcha!
For $.99 a line you can read my random poem
For only $.50 each additional line
you can think that you feel better having read it
No contracts! No monthly commit! Let us tell you how much you're missing!
Just sell us your soul...
We're sure you wont regret it.

Two posts in a day... *WARNING RANT*

Well apparently I have not lost the ability to upset people at work. Though their reason for upset if you ask me is retarded but hey why not add the people I work with, to the list of growing people that seem to be upset with me.

So when they order lunch they ask if everyone wants some. Most times they'll pay for each other's lunches en mass. Well I can't do that financially, and I've done it a few times already. The few times I've asked what people wanted I've had to use my debit card and even if they pay me I have to then stop at the bank to depsoit the money. Well today I ordered chinese for lunch. A small lunch really, but I had ordered for dinner too. First, everyone was on the phone when I ordered. Second I've just looked at my budget and probably shouldn't have ordered out anyway, and third, everytime I order for delivery (I dont know the area well enough to go traipsing around on my own) I always get yelled at by Pat who thinks delivery is a waste of money. So I placed my order for delivery alone. Well when the order came every one just stared at me. To me, being looked at, at ALL is frightening let alone having people STARE at you and the bag in your hands. There were a few comments made and I played it off lightly about delivery yada yada yada. Everyone went about their business but then whispers started. I mean come on are we in fucking high school? You going to be that pissed over a stupid lunch? Do I have to divulge my financial information to you to justify this? And it's not like I haven't ever asked anyone before if they wanted something so dont think i'm a total bitch.

So then I go ask my boss if people are upset with me, ( you know you can feel it when people are) and she says "well they're not mad, but we're all lazy ehre and if you were getting delivery you may have wanted to ask." to which I said about my credit card to which she said "well he could have done two bills". I guess i just can't win for fucking trying. And now I get the cold shoulder from people.

These are the same people that sit and eat lunch together, bring lunch for each other, (they're practically all family) and talk of how well their kids are doing, and how their businesses are... I've never fit in here, and I knew that even when I started here (a short month and a half ago). So fine, I'll eat at my desk and read during lunches. I've dealt with cliques in high school I suppose I can deal with them now. Funny that even as an adult I still suffer the same misery I did in high school


This is the kind of shit that makes me wish I were insane so I could live somewhere where NO ONE expects anything of me. I know it's small and I realize you probably think I'm being retarded to but you know what? this is just one thing in the ever increasing pile of shit i get every day.

Yay for me



Random poetry
...

Today's Affirmation

From the Gifts of Goddess - Goddess Cards

Affirmation: I earn my living doing what I love

Note: Use this gift when you fell unfulfilled by your present manner of employment. You created your present work situation and you can create a better one too. Take on work that urtures your mind, body and spirit and that of others. Whatever you do for a living, you can use your creativity to do it. Make your life a work of art and your art a work of life.


Well that's simple isn't it? I guess it would be easy if I had ANY idea what makes me happy. I used to think it was offering peace and love online, and perhaps it still is in part. Then I thought it was owning my own business and for a time it was that. Then I thought it was web design (which I still love creatively). I thought it was poetry and writing for a time too. Sound familiar? Sounds to me like the "I wanna be a (insert job title here) when I grow up" syndrome. The problem is in some part I love all of the things I listed above. I liked the freedom of owning my own business. I like the creativity of writing, I love the joy that seeing people happy gives me, I love the artistic flair that web design sparks in me. But when you make those things your living instead of your art, then they become a job.

I dont want them to be a "job".

More importantly too, everyday my online eyes continue to be opened. Everyday I find people that hide behind the anonymity of the online world and use it as their sheild for their lies. I had faith in people, now I am unsure. I mean whatever happened to being responsible for your words, actions, deeds? Doesn't that make us better? Doesnt that help us strive to be better? I mean I'm no saint for sure, and I do not proclaim to be, nor do I look down my nose at online people... heck I'm ONE of them. But I do not lie. I try VERY hard to not hurt people and I try VERY hard to not lie. Are we as a whole so afraid of rejection, hurt, stereotypes, etc that we would lie to those we call friends? Even after knowing one another for years?

Why bother reaching out to people if all you reach out with is a holographic hand... meaning; if you're not going to be real, then why ask for it in return?

Random Poetry comin atcha!
"Wake up" the voice whspers
"Is my time done?" I wonder
rattling against the cage of the clock
my heart races
in the face of truth revealed
tick tock
time stands still in revelation
even as life goes on
"Wake up" incessantly tapping at the window to my soul
but my life has already passed me by...
while I lived in a lie.
©SKW

So help me out here...

The little paranoia demon is at work again inside me.

Let me attempt to explain this scenario to you.

You have friend x, who's a new friend, very nice very open with you. You also have friend y, same deal. Friend z comes along and is nice too but you hear from friend y, that frined z is taking about you. Then through more discussion and the revealing of this friend z to be talking about you as true, you discover that friend x, is using you...and has been from the start.

So up to this moment you have friend y who has been the only one to be honest with you in the long run. But what if they want something too? Or worse yet, what if it's just a huge plot for all three of the friends to break my spirit.

That's how I feel today. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Folks I've come to know online some for years... Well there are a few that I trust implicitly... i can think of like 5 off the top of my head. well more like 3-4.

But does everyone want something? I mean this person wants one thing, this one another... and in the end I'm still left alone, and wondering if I even have friends. This on top of the fact that I wish I had a partner.

I swear the more I feel like this the more I just want to die... Close up, close off, tune out. When I feel like this I just want to hide and not trust anyone.

Not only that but some people I've known for years have opinions of me. I know, everyone will have an opinion. But some of them think .. I dont know I'm not making sense

I just can't verbalize it all. But here I am at work typin in my blog because it bothered me enough today that I had to write it down.

Random Poetry
*sigh* i have none.... again

Corporate America Sucks...

So my insurance was denied. Not, a higher premium, just denied. That sucks. Really bad. I literally was throwing a lot of money at this insurance company, and they denied me. What are my choices? Well try to find another insurance company who is so widely used like this one was so I wont have a problem finding a set of doctors, or find another job, that makes equal pay to what I make now BUT has insurance too.

*sigh*


At least it's Friday right?

Random Poetry (Haiku)

cherry blossoms sweet
ripened youth, sweet perfection
spring's fresh winds are change

I just want it noted

that I officially give up. Those of you that know what's going on, you can think what you want, but I dont need a nymore examples of how fucked up this place is... this world, people etc. So I give up. Tonight and everynight I'll learn slowly even as I cry to just live with only the things I have even if they're not what I want because I just dont fucking care anymore and as someone told me through their own words, it's obvious people dont give a shit, so I'll shut up with my "Bitching and moaning".


Random poetry
I have none.

...

Voici mon secret. Il est tres simple. on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux. (It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye.) ~Antoine Saint De Exupery; The Little Prince

Douleur heureuse

I dont think if I tried I could find words enough to express the depths of my anguish today.

Random poetry

It's not quite like a hand, but more like a vise
squeezing the flesh as it beats,
reminding me of my place
crystal blue rivers scalding my skin
race the trail that began in my heart
curious the noise all around me
until i realized it's source
the lost soul weary of the things it's seen
without hope for the things yet to be...
cries silently in my ear.
not quite bliss
more like blissful hell
somethings never change
©SKW