STOP the press!

OMG stop the press, I’ve either had too much sleep or I don’t know what.  This whole shift in thought has me scared.

But it was just a moment or two, and perhaps excitement is infectious after all.  Bleh… I don’t want to be excited about someone else’s ability to spend money.  

Maybe my excitement is that I get paid today and I too join the ranks of people able to spend money…  Hmmm….

SO today Sharon was talking AGAIN of her house remodeling.  Most of it went over my head like the breeze in the air that I can only attribute to be her hot air.  Ooops was that my speaking voice?  

Anyway, she mentioned something that caught my ear and * gasp * got my attention!.  The painter that came and painted her house painted her light fixtures to look like stained glass.  Oooooh, ahhhhh… When I moved into my apartment they had to replace the bathroom hanging lights for me.  When they took the old ones down, for some reason I asked if I could keep them, and they said yes.  I’m thinking about this painting thing… Maybe make my very own candle holders (the electrical housing is bad).  
Then I started thinking of all the crafting I used to do and got excited thinking that maybe, just maybe I could drag my ass offline for a day to indulge in some creation of something or other.  

Oh wait; hmm it’s been an hour now.  The feeling is passed.  

Ooh I joined the newest part of allpoetry.com today.  It’s called Share Poetry and it’s where serious poets can post and request NON sugar coated candy apple responses from fellow poets.  Hmmph, we’ll see what happens.  I only posted one so far.. Sleepers.

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday.  Why can’t you just be Friday?


Random Poetry

Switching lanes I digress into the slow lane
To my left speeding bullets of the life I should lead
Go by in a blur
The police cars waiting are those voices of expectation
“Halt!”  “Do you know you were ignoring your life?”
Ticketed with an LUI “Living under the influence of something different than expected”
I numbly go back to my day
Where is my radar detector so I can avoid this next time…?  

(wow I have no idea about this one lol… I would really like to see your feedback on this random poem.  Do you think I should post it? Or is it just mindless garbage to be tossed onto the piling heap :P )

*Yawn*

Man I love to read people’s blogs.  I know it may sound lame but people write so well in them!  And then I look at mine heh…  Why on earth do you all read this garbage I call my blog?

Random Poetry..

None today, I wrote a pretty dark one at AP if you care to read it.  

http://allpoetry.com/Poem/1509304

Monday...*cry* I want to go back to bed!

So it’s Monday…  Let’s recap the weekend shall we?

Friday Night: Go on air, have some fun, get really violently sick, end fun …

Saturday: Re-discover the joys of SWG and having fun.  Meet and be accepted by a group of folks who only loves to have fun.  Have 87 Listeners on the station! WOOT, Go on air and have an AWESEOM time.  Go to different online game fully happy for the time I’ve had, get cursed out horribly so, get upset, end fun…Go to sleep

Sunday: Have Celtic connection broadcast (slow songs, etc) have a lot of listeners.  Get to talk to a few people in SWG and discover awesome new friendships.  Feel really in my element for the first time in months, Go off air, putz around cleaning and what not.  Go back on air with an impromptu broadcast for “just a little bit”.  Remain on air having a party (a WILD party) for a good 3-4 hours.  Leave one game for another, have a mildly good time (only because of the company I kept did I have fun...).  Upset someone, Realize it’s waay past my bedtime, pass out.


So all in all I think it was a good weekend?

Now I’m back in the office with crony behind me.  I’m starving and have nothing except ramen.  Ramen for breakfast is where I draw the line.  So now I’m working on ignoring the hunger pangs that plague me while crony cooks up some scrumptious smelling breakfast for herself.

I have tea though!  That’s something, right?  Maybe I’ll write more later, for now I feel too discombobulated (Word for the day :P) to write more.

(volumes of things I wish I could say, but I just can’t post here…)

I've heard of cold showers, but DAYUM this takes the cake.

I was really late to work today.  And on a day that crony is in * sigh *.  Oh well.  I showered this morning, in ICE COLD water.  I mean, I had the knob turned ALL the way to hot and there wasn’t a single drop of even lukewarm water!  It was awful.  I frequently take cold-ish showers… I prefer them to hot ones, but this was crazy!  By the time I was trying to rinse conditioner out of my hair I was shivering and each drop of water was like an ice shard that penetrated my skin before freezing me thoroughly.  And now a few hours later I’m still chilled.  Muse Popsicle…who wants one!

More I suppose to come later… right now I get to listen to crony yell at me because the office ordered Chinese yesterday and she claims to have told me on Wednesday that she wanted to order Chinese today and as a result didn’t bring her lunch * sigh * ..  I have the cash that everyone gave me yesterday because I didn’t have $3.50 in cash so I had to use my card… Even though I have to put that in the bank and probably sooner rather than later (or I’ll bounce) perhaps she would like me to spend that?  Jeez I can’t win for nothing…. Yesterday I ordered WITH the office and had to charge it, now I have to go to the bank to deposit and today I’m being “talked to” by crony.  This sucks….

Happy Birthday Dana! (oh and work sucks :P)

So bloglines has this nifty little tool;  blog for word.  So now I’m blogging literally from word… No internet explorer page to be open, no way for crony to see that I’m talking about her :P heh.  

Sharon is off again.  She took Tuesday off and is “working from home today”.  So that leaves Crony who had the damn good work ethic to come in yesterday (she normally only works Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but Monday was a holiday) and then of course today * sigh *.  I’ll never be rid of her.  She has been unnaturally sweet to me lately.  I wonder if my silent treatment of both her and Sharon for a day did anything.  I wasn’t trying to do anything, I just couldn’t speak to them for fear I would say something bad.  

To date, I still don’t have an answer to my email.  Sharon said in her email (which I copied in here) Payday is always the last day of the month.  Well crony, before she decided she didn’t like me offered other payday arrangements to me, which at the time I thought was damn cool of her.  I reiterated them to Sharon (always be safe you know. CYA) and all was confirmed.  Now I’m not so sure based on what Sharon said.  And I’ll tell ya, if they change the pay arrangements they made, I’m uber screwed this check.  Royally… because that’s over a grand I wont see until a full two weeks later.  I sent Sharon an email right away of course re-confirming our arrangements, but she must have been sooo busy thinking about her vacation that she forgot (cant you see the dripping sarcasm?).  

Winter is coming, and I still have  no insurance.  Today I not only have a sinus headache but I’m feeling a bit like i have a cold.  I have to figure something out for this…  I can’t be without insurance.

So I’m at work today and I had about 7 things set to do, and while Sharon “works at home” she gave me a few more.  (Did someone say working from home?  Heh I wonder…)  Anyway it’s not 9am and I’ve gotten all but 2 things done, and those two are things I can’t do until later (the office I have to call about them doesn’t open until 11am).  So it’s just crony and I, and I didn’t sleep well (finally fell asleep at 1:45 and up at 6) and I have nothing to do.  I even redesigned one of the company’s web pages I was working on.  The thing is crony sits behind me and she could be turned around looking at me and I wouldn’t even know it because my back is to her.  So I can’t work on other peoples websites though I would love to.  I have two I want to get done quickly…  

Hey Happy Birthday Dana!!  I’m so excited.. I remembered.

I swear once upon a time I decided I didn’t care about my birthdays.  Seriously I don’t.  It’s been so long since I got a birthday gift, that wasn’t something I “needed”.  Even this year lol I asked my mom who wanted to take me clothes shopping (last time I bought clothes, jeez was at least 5 years ago) to instead let me get things I needed like… groceries :P .  So many people I know have birthdays in September…  Lets see if my mind can remember them all :P

Blanche 9-1
Dana – 9-7
Chris 9-18
Carl 9-21
Me
Linda 9-28

I know there are more I’m forgetting :P The thing that sucks is after September I have a few October friends too.  Beth is 10-20? Daved is 10-7 or 10-10 I never remember (I’ve known him for 15 years lol I STILL can’t remember his damn birthday).

Then some November ones Kyle, Mary etc… * sigh* I hate remembering dates.


Thanks Kami for helping me with that link.  You’re awesome!!!

Well I suppose I should go and try to write more later…      

Ok so I'm a retard

I can't figure out how to load the damn picture...

Lets see if this works

Bleh

So lately I’ve been in a bit of a slump.  Well not lately… for a long time.  You gauge things in your life by markers you’re familiar with you know?  Like, it’s bad, but you know it’s really bad if (insert your milestone here) happens.  For me, I know it’s really bad … when I can’t even write.  Writing for me has become my cheap therapy.  I write it out.  But what do you do when you can’t write it out?

You don’t know the effort it took to write this blog entry even….


I feel like my creativity and life line was running along a big pipe flowing smoothly...and  then somewhere something got pinched and now not only is the flow stopped, but now there’s a backup too.

I spent my weekend in game again.  It’s funny… someone mentioned Xfire to me and I registered.  XFire is this cool little thing that shows you how long you’ve played games etc.  Yea, I was pretty shocked to see my stats this morning.  Last week I spent the equivalent of almost a FULL work week, in game.  Take a peek… (this will update continually so this number may change, but at the time of this post I had spent 38 hours last week in World of Warcraft, OH and 11 in SWG. )

Even during game, I spent the latter portion of this weekend with a massive sinus headache…. One day it just hurt, the next day it hurt so bad my forehead was sensitive to the touch!  It still is a little bit…I’m dreading winter, cold season, flu, and me… no insurance

I went to SWG for the first time in months this past weekend.  I think it’s the first time I’ve seen it since I got the new PC and WOW it’s beautiful.  In any event  I have all these descriptives that I want to write about something… maybe like an RP or something but I feel like their may be no point you  know?  So I don’t write it.  Same with poetry lately…  So I have all this bottled up inside of me and no desire to write it out.  The result is a lifeless me sitting in front of the PC occasionally enjoying bursts of happiness but mainly only going through the motions.

Ever feel like you just can’t wake up?

What a bleh day, week, weekend, life….

Random poetry….
Someone bring my muse back, because I think she ran away.  (No poetry today folks.. sorry.  I’m not sure it really mattered anyway, so I’m sure you’re not missing much.)    

TGIF and an extra day off (THANK GOD)

So today’s Friday. Thanks god. I was so tired last night I fell asleep at my desk at 7pm. I woke up every 20 min or so simply to keep myself in game because I wasn’t sure I was going to stay up or not. Finally at about 7:45 I logged out of game and went to the couch thinking I would read. I didn’t wake up until the phone rang at 1am. Then I went to bed at 1:15 and didn’t get up again until 4am, then I went back to bed right away and didn’t get up until 6am (almost). I must have needed some sleep eh?

I starve myself of sleep a lot. I need to stop doing that during the work week at least. Tonight I’m supposed to go on air. Yesterday someone blew off their shift. If I’m not there it seems people forget things. But I can only go on air if the mood and energy is right, otherwise it’s just music being played you know? I hope it will work ok today. I have a little cash with me so on the way home from work I’m going to get a latte. Heh, that will be a treat for me. I have cash enough to get a few groceries and I may get some basics on the way home. But the money I have for groceries is all I have that’s extra and I kind of want to hold onto it incase something comes up (as it invariably always does).

I have to go to my moms early tomorrow morning to help bathe my dog. This serves as my reminder.

I called my ex mother in law yesterday to wish her a happy birthday. She made mention to the fact that Emily is coming home for good in about three weeks and shewould definitely be contacting me. Heh, we’ll see. Considering I’ve left her more messages than I’ve left folks that call me daily, and she hasn’t returned my calls… we’ll see.

Stephanie Bogdan an old friend of mine recently got in touch with me via classmates.com. What is it with people coming out of the woodwork to get in touch with me. I mean I haven’t talked to her in 15 years! First Dan last year (that was a waste of time). Then Stephanie this year, what’s next Cassie? The girl who wanted to kick my ass forever? Is she coming next? Lol…

Believe it or not when I was growin up I had a much harder shell than I do now. But before you start thinking I was some badass, I was still the muse. I think I’ve always been the muse in some respects. I can remember giving gifts to people for no reason. Trying to make people feel good all the time, etc. It’s funny, people either loved me for it or wanted to kick my ass for it lol. Cassie wanted to kick my ass :P

Even back then I made a few people’s days. I have on occasion received emails from the people that always remembered me as being the one that turned their life around just from the one liner I said, or the one time I did something. That amazes me. I mean I’m happy for them of course, but that “one day” I did something just seems like something so small.

I remember one day in High School. In my junior year, I suffered a SEVERE backlash from the entire junior class. There were rumors all abound about me because no one understood what I had gone through for one month that kept me out of classes. You should hear some of the rumors… “I hear she killed someone and is in prison” lol what a joke. “I hear she went crazy and broke everything in sight” Just crazy rumors. Anyway, when I returned to school barely anyone would talk to me. I was a loner anyway pretty much. I had my friends outside the school system. I didn’t want friend in the cliques of high school. And as I was walking down the hall some girl was in tears over some people that made her feel like crap. I’ll never forget because I said this in passing to her. I didn’t even know her… I said “Listen people will always try and bring you down when you have a gift that they want or know they can’t have… so FUCK them. Live your life and enjoy it, because you live it for YOU, not for them.” She just stared at me as I walked away a smile on my face.

At the end of the year, I received a gift of a t-shirt or sweater ( I lost it when I moved to Naperville L ). And on it, she stitched my angel. Ironic considering when I was gone for a month my nickname among those who knew what I went through was “angel”. She wrote me a letter thanking me profusely for offering her the turning point in her life when she stood up to people and was a bettter person for it , etc. There are so many of those memories I have inside me.

Those memories get lost sometimes for me, when I focus on all my failings. I’m too fat, I’m too poor, I’m too addicted to online, I’m a horrible friend, I’m never going to be very intelligent, I’m never going to be beautiful, I’m never going to have my dream house (which even if I could would be a marvel if I could find an architect to buildit lol), I’m never going to find love again that is fulfilling… so many things. These are my demons. These and the spirits/energy of those both online and offline who have hurt me. When I’m in the throes of the torments of this, it’s hard to remember the little bright specks of light in my life where even when I suffered the most, somehow I wound up shining for someone.

I revel in those moments right now and allow myself to feel proud. As humble as I am, I’m proud that for a special few I’ve made a difference. I’m going to hold tight to this feeling this morning. So in the face of crony and her whisperings, and in the face of Sharon and whomever else brings me down (including my demons) I will remember that as Jessie said I do have a special gift and sometimes…. Just sometimes I’ve let it shine and made a difference.

Random Poetry comin atcha…(not really random, but a favorite from Emily Dickinson)
Emily Dickinson - Awake ye muses nine
Awake ye muses nine, sing me a strain divine,
Unwind the solemn twine, and tie my Valentine!
Oh the Earth was made for lovers, for damsel, and hopeless swain,
For sighing, and gentle whispering, and unity made of twain.
All things do go a courting, in earth, or sea, or air,
God hath made nothing single but thee in His world so fair!
The bride, and then the bridegroom, the two, and then the one,
Adam, and Eve, his consort, the moon, and then the sun;
The life doth prove the precept, who obey shall happy be,
Who will not serve the sovereign, be hanged on fatal tree.
The high do seek the lowly, the great do seek the small,
None cannot find who seeketh, on this terrestrial ball;
The bee doth court the flower, the flower his suit receives,
And they make merry wedding, whose guests are hundred leaves;
The wind doth woo the branches, the branches they are won,
And the father fond demandeth the maiden for his son.
The storm doth walk the seashore humming a mournful tune,
The wave with eye so pensive, looketh to see the moon,
Their spirits meet together, they make their solemn vows,
No more he singeth mournful, her sadness she doth lose.
The worm doth woo the mortal, death claims a living bride,
Night unto day is married, morn unto eventide;
Earth is a merry damsel, and heaven a knight so true,
And Earth is quite coquettish, and beseemeth in vain to sue.
Now to the application, to the reading of the roll,
To bringing thee to justice, and marshalling thy soul:
Thou art a human solo, a being cold, and lone,
Wilt have no kind companion, thou reap'st what thou hast sown.
Hast never silent hours, and minutes all too long,
And a deal of sad reflection, and wailing instead of song?
There's Sarah, and Eliza, and Emeline so fair,
And Harriet, and Susan, and she with curling hair!
Thine eyes are sadly blinded, but yet thou mayest see
Six true, and comely maidens sitting upon the tree;
Approach that tree with caution, then up it boldly climb,
And seize the one thou lovest, nor care for space, or time!
Then bear her to the greenwood, and build for her a bower,
And give her what she asketh, jewel, or bird, or flower
– And bring the fife, and trumpet, and beat upon the drum
– And bid the world Goodmorrow, and go to glory home!

Delusions

Ok so we all have this image we like to think we portray. Some of us actually do portray what we think we are, some of us don’t but WISH we could. That's ok too because it spurs us to do better, be better, try harder. Then there's the group who don't portray but live deluded thinking we actually do. Now these people have it hard, because they're the ones who will twist little happenings to make it seem that what they portray is real. I feel sorry for these people.

I know someone who thinks that other think they're very good at a certain thing (name withheld for obvious reasons folks). In fact it's all they talk about to me on the phone even. Over and over and over again I hear "they know who I am, they fear me, they know I'm good". I've even seen this person say in general public or in groups of specific people, "I am so and so" and this person actually expects these people to know of them. Not only that, but to also acknowledge their greatness?!

The thing that sucks the most about this, is that people while nice, civil and sometimes courteous when on the same side... Really do NOT have the impression of this person that they think or wish others did. As a matter of fact, while the person I know thinks they do sooo good, the other people I'm with at the time waste no time saying "they suck".

Self awareness, admittance of one's talents even in the face of others who may not think you're talented, is good. But to take it to delusional status is bad. It's to the point where I don’t want to talk to this person because all they think is they have this reputation, and they're "known" when they Maybe be known, but it's not for how they think it is. It's quite the opposite. People think this person is a joke, and is not good at what they claim to be. It puts me in a bad spot.

As far as I'm concerned I try to have humility at all times. Probably to my downfall even. But last night I got some validation that gave me a swell of pride. Someone I fight with (PVP in WoW) that I always have a hard time with. You know, the kind where you groan when you see them in your game queue? Well every time they're in game I always thought they hated me. I found out from them last night that not only do they not hate me, but they have respect for me and ENJOY fighting against me because they know I'm good. This is what THEY say to me, without any pre-empting from me. In other words
I didn’t ask for the compliment, it was given without need to be given. That makes me feel good.

I suck at fighting. I’m sooooooooo highly competitive. My fingers get like ice blocks and my face gets all hot when I pvp…. And that’s in a good match. GOD FORBID it be a bad match. During PVP is one of the few times I cannot control my mouth and I spill forth curses openly and loudly . It’s a nasty habit of mine and when I do it, I always want to never pvp again if only to avoid looking like a. a sore loser or b. a potty mouth. I work everyday to get that under control.
***************************************************************************
Today is payday and it can’t come any quicker. I think I drove to work on fumes today . I need food in my house, gas in my car (immediately) and a whole host of bills paid lol.

I’m sooo tired today. I have started Book 4 of the Harry Potter series. And I stayed up until 1:30 to read some of it. It’s the first book in the series that I haven’t seen a movie for already. I’m looking forward to reading this before the movie comes out and then catching up with the rest of the world and reading through the new book.

Well not much else for now. Cronie is in the office now, and while I’ve no doubt she’s busy (it IS payday after all) she does seem to enjoy singling me out for thing. I suppose I shouldn’t give her anything to single me out for eh?

Random Poetry coming atcha...
I'm tired I can't write poetry now :P

Monday's suck, DONT SNORT WASABI lol

Monday blah blah blah

Ok so I was reading someone’s blog today and I had to stifle laughter… They made mention of a friend who snorted wasabi lol… I just think that’s funny as hell! I actually had to cover my mouth because I laughed so hard. Who the HELL would snort ANYTHING let alone wasabi!?!? Lol

Ok ok I know, get it under control. So this week is going to be a short week. This weekend was supposed to be musecon but it was cancelled. It’s a good thing really, because I don’t have money again. Lol Here we go again…

It kind of sucks because I wish I had some money to make my little vacation fun. I would buy avocados (yes avocados) and I would treat myself to a sushi dinner one night. It may sound strange but I’ve been enjoying being offline and reading (yes, you read right) R E A D I N G. I used to do it all the time. It’s taken a bit, but it seems with a good four hours or so, I can finish an entire book. I’ve read a new Dean Koontz book, (Thank you Corwin!) and two of the 6 Harry Potter books (again thank you corwin!). He bought me both of those… (the 6 set of Harry potter! As WELL as the dean koontz book). So I finished book two of the Harry potter series this weekend. It will be nice to start reading a book that I haven’t seen the movie for already. Not that they aren’t good mind you, but it will be nice to not know what’s coming up.

Ooh I’ve also started enjoying sleeping on my couch on the weekend’s lol. I never even go to my room on the weekend anymore, well sometimes. My couch has these great recliners at each end. They literally go so flat you’d think you were in bed, except for the lumpy pillows of course. I mean it’s only natural right? I get dressed in that room too so why not?

I have to start considering other places to live… I have to move by July 1 of 2006. You may think it’s far off, but finding a place, getting approved, etc takes time. So I’m starting now. Believe it or not, I got a call from a company in Tennessee. We’ll see what happens with that, but if I get an offer and I can’t refuse it, I guess I STILL could be moving there. Tennessee is close enough to home that I could drive back if needed, but far enough away to be new.

Ill add more later, my boss is out of town and while you think that would be a good thing, her cronies are practically dive bombing me to check my pc and see what I’m doing lol…

Tuesday and I'm still tired...

I'm tired all the time. Granted last night I went to bed at 12:30am or so, but still yesterday I slept in until 12:30pm. I dont know where I read it but somewhere I read an article about skin cancer. There's three types. I only knew of one... Apparently there are two less deadly skin cancers. I forget their names, but I'm sure if you're really that interested you can google it. However as I was reading about one type I absentmindedly scratched my arm as I've been doing for over a month now. I kept reading about this type of skin cancer that shows up in pink dots or dot on your arm that itch. Then I look down and see I've been scratching a pink dot for a long time now, and I have a few more.

hmmm


I still dont have insurance so I guess I'll never know (unless I die from it, which as I understand it isn't likely? Or maybe I just hope that)

Damn, even Blogs can't escape SPAM

So I get all excited because someone posted a reply to my blog... and then I see this:

Anonymous said...
If you are alone, call this number 800-211-9293. Connect with Real Singles from your local area instantly for only $0.99/min with a $4.99 connection fee. A true Match is only one phone call away 800-211-9293. Meet people with common interests and desires now. Check it out. 800-211-9293
8-11-2005; 9:16 AM

What the hell is that?!?!?! God, advertising companies are such leeches, praying on people and sucking everything that has any potential to be good and healthy (writing in a journal for example) and turning it into a means to make money. Damn we as a people are lost... so lost.

Random Poetry comin atcha!
For $.99 a line you can read my random poem
For only $.50 each additional line
you can think that you feel better having read it
No contracts! No monthly commit! Let us tell you how much you're missing!
Just sell us your soul...
We're sure you wont regret it.

Two posts in a day... *WARNING RANT*

Well apparently I have not lost the ability to upset people at work. Though their reason for upset if you ask me is retarded but hey why not add the people I work with, to the list of growing people that seem to be upset with me.

So when they order lunch they ask if everyone wants some. Most times they'll pay for each other's lunches en mass. Well I can't do that financially, and I've done it a few times already. The few times I've asked what people wanted I've had to use my debit card and even if they pay me I have to then stop at the bank to depsoit the money. Well today I ordered chinese for lunch. A small lunch really, but I had ordered for dinner too. First, everyone was on the phone when I ordered. Second I've just looked at my budget and probably shouldn't have ordered out anyway, and third, everytime I order for delivery (I dont know the area well enough to go traipsing around on my own) I always get yelled at by Pat who thinks delivery is a waste of money. So I placed my order for delivery alone. Well when the order came every one just stared at me. To me, being looked at, at ALL is frightening let alone having people STARE at you and the bag in your hands. There were a few comments made and I played it off lightly about delivery yada yada yada. Everyone went about their business but then whispers started. I mean come on are we in fucking high school? You going to be that pissed over a stupid lunch? Do I have to divulge my financial information to you to justify this? And it's not like I haven't ever asked anyone before if they wanted something so dont think i'm a total bitch.

So then I go ask my boss if people are upset with me, ( you know you can feel it when people are) and she says "well they're not mad, but we're all lazy ehre and if you were getting delivery you may have wanted to ask." to which I said about my credit card to which she said "well he could have done two bills". I guess i just can't win for fucking trying. And now I get the cold shoulder from people.

These are the same people that sit and eat lunch together, bring lunch for each other, (they're practically all family) and talk of how well their kids are doing, and how their businesses are... I've never fit in here, and I knew that even when I started here (a short month and a half ago). So fine, I'll eat at my desk and read during lunches. I've dealt with cliques in high school I suppose I can deal with them now. Funny that even as an adult I still suffer the same misery I did in high school


This is the kind of shit that makes me wish I were insane so I could live somewhere where NO ONE expects anything of me. I know it's small and I realize you probably think I'm being retarded to but you know what? this is just one thing in the ever increasing pile of shit i get every day.

Yay for me



Random poetry
...

Today's Affirmation

From the Gifts of Goddess - Goddess Cards

Affirmation: I earn my living doing what I love

Note: Use this gift when you fell unfulfilled by your present manner of employment. You created your present work situation and you can create a better one too. Take on work that urtures your mind, body and spirit and that of others. Whatever you do for a living, you can use your creativity to do it. Make your life a work of art and your art a work of life.


Well that's simple isn't it? I guess it would be easy if I had ANY idea what makes me happy. I used to think it was offering peace and love online, and perhaps it still is in part. Then I thought it was owning my own business and for a time it was that. Then I thought it was web design (which I still love creatively). I thought it was poetry and writing for a time too. Sound familiar? Sounds to me like the "I wanna be a (insert job title here) when I grow up" syndrome. The problem is in some part I love all of the things I listed above. I liked the freedom of owning my own business. I like the creativity of writing, I love the joy that seeing people happy gives me, I love the artistic flair that web design sparks in me. But when you make those things your living instead of your art, then they become a job.

I dont want them to be a "job".

More importantly too, everyday my online eyes continue to be opened. Everyday I find people that hide behind the anonymity of the online world and use it as their sheild for their lies. I had faith in people, now I am unsure. I mean whatever happened to being responsible for your words, actions, deeds? Doesn't that make us better? Doesnt that help us strive to be better? I mean I'm no saint for sure, and I do not proclaim to be, nor do I look down my nose at online people... heck I'm ONE of them. But I do not lie. I try VERY hard to not hurt people and I try VERY hard to not lie. Are we as a whole so afraid of rejection, hurt, stereotypes, etc that we would lie to those we call friends? Even after knowing one another for years?

Why bother reaching out to people if all you reach out with is a holographic hand... meaning; if you're not going to be real, then why ask for it in return?

Random Poetry comin atcha!
"Wake up" the voice whspers
"Is my time done?" I wonder
rattling against the cage of the clock
my heart races
in the face of truth revealed
tick tock
time stands still in revelation
even as life goes on
"Wake up" incessantly tapping at the window to my soul
but my life has already passed me by...
while I lived in a lie.
©SKW

So help me out here...

The little paranoia demon is at work again inside me.

Let me attempt to explain this scenario to you.

You have friend x, who's a new friend, very nice very open with you. You also have friend y, same deal. Friend z comes along and is nice too but you hear from friend y, that frined z is taking about you. Then through more discussion and the revealing of this friend z to be talking about you as true, you discover that friend x, is using you...and has been from the start.

So up to this moment you have friend y who has been the only one to be honest with you in the long run. But what if they want something too? Or worse yet, what if it's just a huge plot for all three of the friends to break my spirit.

That's how I feel today. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Folks I've come to know online some for years... Well there are a few that I trust implicitly... i can think of like 5 off the top of my head. well more like 3-4.

But does everyone want something? I mean this person wants one thing, this one another... and in the end I'm still left alone, and wondering if I even have friends. This on top of the fact that I wish I had a partner.

I swear the more I feel like this the more I just want to die... Close up, close off, tune out. When I feel like this I just want to hide and not trust anyone.

Not only that but some people I've known for years have opinions of me. I know, everyone will have an opinion. But some of them think .. I dont know I'm not making sense

I just can't verbalize it all. But here I am at work typin in my blog because it bothered me enough today that I had to write it down.

Random Poetry
*sigh* i have none.... again

Corporate America Sucks...

So my insurance was denied. Not, a higher premium, just denied. That sucks. Really bad. I literally was throwing a lot of money at this insurance company, and they denied me. What are my choices? Well try to find another insurance company who is so widely used like this one was so I wont have a problem finding a set of doctors, or find another job, that makes equal pay to what I make now BUT has insurance too.

*sigh*


At least it's Friday right?

Random Poetry (Haiku)

cherry blossoms sweet
ripened youth, sweet perfection
spring's fresh winds are change

I just want it noted

that I officially give up. Those of you that know what's going on, you can think what you want, but I dont need a nymore examples of how fucked up this place is... this world, people etc. So I give up. Tonight and everynight I'll learn slowly even as I cry to just live with only the things I have even if they're not what I want because I just dont fucking care anymore and as someone told me through their own words, it's obvious people dont give a shit, so I'll shut up with my "Bitching and moaning".


Random poetry
I have none.

...

Voici mon secret. Il est tres simple. on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux. (It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye.) ~Antoine Saint De Exupery; The Little Prince

Douleur heureuse

I dont think if I tried I could find words enough to express the depths of my anguish today.

Random poetry

It's not quite like a hand, but more like a vise
squeezing the flesh as it beats,
reminding me of my place
crystal blue rivers scalding my skin
race the trail that began in my heart
curious the noise all around me
until i realized it's source
the lost soul weary of the things it's seen
without hope for the things yet to be...
cries silently in my ear.
not quite bliss
more like blissful hell
somethings never change
©SKW

Philosophy 101

I always feel when I come here to write, that I get too philosophical. But I guess that's what this is for right?

Oh before I forget, hot off the press! http://utopiaskye.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=1799 (if you can't see it there, then go here: http://allpoetry.com/Poem/1325272_)

Anyway, yesterday marked one full year since Jessie passed away. I think while yesterday was hard onme, I was sick also so with the achyness associated with a bad cold, I didn't really feel much else except sad. Sunday however, I did feel it... very much so. I had recently reactivated my account in Star Wars Galaxies and I went to where USC (Utopia Skye City) used to be. It's funny how much a game can have an impact on your thoughts, memories, etc. Well USC is now a ghost town, but there are a few houses scattered throughout. Kami's house, Fools' house, Mel's house, Shaun's house to name a few... but the one that stood out the most was Jessie's house. It still stands. Last year on the 13th of June, Tony myself and one other went to her house and put in enough money so that (barrng a server wipe) it would remain, and I was shocked that it still stood.

So I know it sounds very strange but standing on the stoop of that pixelated house, I started to cry. I sat staring at my computer for a few seconds before I could enter. Then when I did I visited each of the rooms (there are only two) but in one her robe stood... After she died I had these robes made in game, that when you hover over them say her quote "I've yet to encounter anything more important than friends". I had forgotten I put it in there.

An online friend just stood with me. Again I know surreal because we just stood there and at my desk in real life I cried. Jessie was much more than pixels to me. BECAUSE of Jessie, I believe that love that is inherent to your SOUL can be had without having to meet someone. Any thoughts differently might sound like the question of faith "Do you have to see an angel to know they exist?" Anyway, I stayed in her house for a little bit and I tried really hard to search myself for the strength that this one woman possessed.

Her strength was of the kind that comes from a beautiful soul. I know we tend to glorify people especially if they've passed, but even when she was alive she was a testament to strength. God, I fail so much at trying to be strong. I look back on a lot of my previous posts and while they are not delusional rants, I just wish that I had Jessie's strength to do the things I need to do for myself.

As much as I understand of things, I know nothing...

ahhh it seems i've derailed my own post. *sigh* The point is... sometimes we are given "Vision", clear eyesight at which for a precious few seconds we can see what things are "really" about... REALLY about... it's like seeing love as a tangible, literally like a golden thread that is there for us to weave into our lives if only we choose to take it. And when we do... it's like perfection. Too soon life blinds us, boxing us into the dimensions of what someone else's perceptions of how things should be.

I am lucky for even been given that vision. I still hold it clutched in my fist pressing it against my heart fighting sometimes to remove the blinders. It's hard without Jessie, she made it easy for me to have that vision because of her unconditional love of me. So I just try.

So today I'll breathe deeply, and at least just once today I will share love with someone else somehow. *hugs*