Dreaming...

"Your whole life is nothing but a dream. You live in a fantasy where everything you know about yourself is only true for you. Your truth is not the truth for anyone else." ~Don Miguel Ruiz - "The Mastery of Love"

Rule Seven - Others are only mirrors of you. You love or hate something about another person according to what love or hate about yourself. Be tolerant; accept others as they are, and strive for clarity of self-awareness; strive to truly understand and have an objective perception of your own self, your thoughts and feelings. Negative experiences are opportunities to heal the wounds that you carry. Support others, and by doing so you support yourself. Where you are unable to support others it is a sign that you are not adequately attending to your own needs.
~Cherie Carter Scott – Rules of Life
Pay attention to your own needs so you can efficiently help others.

100 Ways to Be Happy and Feel Good...
1. Never put yourself last.
4. Count your blessings every day.
5. Acknowledge your successes along with your downfalls.
6. Burn the candle that has been in storage for the last two years.
8. Remember, the voice telling you that you cannot do something is always lying.
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The first quote today is one that a lot of people don’t get. I know I sometimes forget this. Even today as I sit here typing this I have to wrap my mind around it, even though the meaning may seem simple to others. I really like Don Miguel Ruiz’s thought process. His books are very refreshing and if you have a chance you should look into them.

Today, I’m tired … again. I fell asleep early but then woke up and couldn’t sleep soundly for a while. I think that I may have to start sleeping in the living room, not only because I’m apparently more comfortable sleeping there now, but also the air conditioner in the bedroom is broken. It wont turn on now and I cannot sleep at all with heat. I had to choose one air conditioner to be fixed because my landlord says they can’t afford to fix both (yet they’ve increased my rent…). Before it broke, I had chosen the living room one to be repaired because it had the most space to cover and cool. I leave that one sometimes 24/7. The bedroom one generally only gets turned on at night. So now, I’m only getting one air conditioner and the other which was working is now broken. I hate window air conditioning. I know it’s more expensive if central air breaks down, but window air conditioning is not an effective means of cooling space.

I have to move next year. And I’ve decided that if in a years time (technically to April because I have to plan in advance for moving arrangements and such) I can’t find another job here, then coinciding with another big decision for myself, I will move out of state in the hopes of restarting my life elsewhere. I know that sounds wrong moving without a job, but if I can’t get one here, and have the means to start over elsewhere without too much danger, then I think I should take it. I’ve never taken a big risk in my life and coming in April I will have to decide on two big risks. One would be moving, the other only a very few know about as it’s a very private very big decision.

Even though I get mired down in stagnation, I am of enough awareness to realize that I won’t be like this the rest of my life (hopefully). I know something needs to be done. I hope that continually re-evaluating where I am in life will help me stay focused on where I need to go.
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I sat on my deck for the first time since I’ve moved in here, two days ago. It was wonderful. I just sat and listened to the wind as it whispered around my ear blowing through my hair. Then when it began to lightly rain a FULL rainbow made me smile. I took some digital pics of it, but I’m not sure they came out. If they did, I’ll post them. The rainbow disappeared as they sky became gray with clouds, but then it came back a brilliant orange-ish red tint to all its colors. It was breathtaking. I’ve spent so much time indoors sometimes that I wonder how many such lovely rainbows I’ve missed.

I’ll have to incorporate some time on my deck now that the weather is nice and the deck is brand new.

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The 4th of July promises to herald a very good fireworks show. The city of Aurora always does a wonderful job and even more wonderful is that it is directly across the street from my house. I never have to leave, wander among crowds, brave bugs, find parking, seating etc. I have front row seats and for the second time since being here (yes I braved the old deck the very first weekend I moved in to view the fireworks) I will sit on the deck with a bottle of Shiraz and toast to independence. I may or may not have company, we shall see. But in any event I will celebrate the fact that people fought for our freedom back when there weren’t things like computers to give people voices as they sit behind machines. Freedom that came when people rose up and said ENOUGH. Maybe I can use this for myself and say ENOUGH.

Have a beautiful day everyone!

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DAILY INSPIRATIONS

Check em out at Digital Soup Online; The Blog. Feel free to contribute or not, comment, or not. Maybe just maybe we can bring some more light into this world. You decide...

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BLESSINGS & WISHES

~For Mrs. Virgo: you’re in my thoughts as always. Have a wonderful restful day.
~For Mrs. B in AZ: I miss you. I hope you’re well today.
~For Blog Dog: I’m glad your blog and mine have met :D I wish you a day of smiles.
~For Kelli: Thank you for continually reading my blog, I hope you have a beautiful day full of sunshine.
~For Aussie_male: You’re also always on my mind. Have a day full of peace.
~For Jules: Welcome back and know you were missed even by us bloggers ;). I wish you smiles all day today
~For Cray: I hope your summer gets better for you. I’m sending lots of love your way
~For Kami: I miss you. It seems like so suddenly the summer and the advent of your leaving for most of it is already here. You are always in my heart. I’m sending you hugs today.
~For Mr. Uber: I hope you have a day of smiles today as well. You’re being thought of.
~For Mr. Quiet Strength: I think of you often and send you well wishes every second I think of you. Today may you be happy all day.
~For Shaun: You are so close to my heart that I can’t help but love you every second I think of you too. I send you and your whole family love and digital hugs. Tell your dad I said thanks for letting me barge in and wish him a happy father’s day even though he’s not my father.

~For everyone else that may read this that isn’t specifically mentioned: As you know I think of so many people throughout the day. So many faces come to mind, so many memories. It may seem lame to wish everyone a beautiful day, or a hug or smiles but I really do wish that for everyone. For those who aren’t specifically mentioned but are in my heart, I wish you whispers of balmy breezes of peace. I wish you bright stars at night and deep restful sleep to carry you through to the next day.

XO

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AND REMEMBER

"The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you."
~John E. Southard

Today make it your primary goal to get even. Get even with all those who have given you a smile, or a kind word, or a reason for laughter. Get even with those who have made your day brighter, your load lighter, or the taste of life sweeter. Don't narrow your focus, either, but let your getting even be a universal act, passing along all the bits of goodness you've received to every person who crosses your path. That'll show 'em.

Courtesy of Kate Nowak; One Million Blessings Project

More than you ever wanted to know about me but didn't want to ask :P

So today while reading Kelli’s Musings… I stumble upon this quiz that I’ve seen many folks do, but never did myself. So here today is my quiz and answers for you. Post yours in comments if you wish or you can be uber discreet and just email your answers to me too :P Your call

The idea is to finish each sentence with the first thing that comes to mind.
I know nothing (yup starting off really good here, lol).
I believe in the importance of our hearts
I fought against a lot of things as a child.
I am angered when I lose … anything (sigh, I guess the secret’s out, I’m VERY competitive and *deeper sigh* probably a very sore loser).
I love to make others happy
I need to lose weight
I take way too long to think of an answer to these questions :P
I hear crickets at my work is that bad?
I drink WINE!
I hate being lonely
I use bad language a LOT
I want to make love… sometime in the next millenium!
I decided that today would be a good day
I like to feel pretty
I feel ugly right now :P
I wear nothing as often as possible (lol!)
I left Mr. Uber behind in chapters of the newest Dean Koontz Book I’m reading :P I do hope to enjoy myself tomorrow *grin*
I hope that someday I can quench the fires of boredom that eat away at my soul during work
I dream in color and often see myself in my dreams
I drive people crazy :P
I listen to a lot of really good music (loreena McKenit, Enya, all sorts)
I type apparently too much at work according to crony
I think as little as possible from 7am, to 4pm.
I need a life
I wish I had enough money to buy a 20 acre lot and enough money after that to build on that lot, furnish it with beautiful parks and offer land to my friends to make a special community. Thanks Mrs. Virgo for that persistent image!
I am anxious right now. I want to go home lol
I compensate with my heart offering everything I have online, instead of doing that in real life
I regret a mistake I made right after my divorce that while at the time was fine, still lingers in my memory as something I shouldn’t have done.
I care for a lot of people, I’m just bad at showing it.
I should be more around for real life friends.
I am not always the nice sweet muse everyone thinks I am. In fact, I’m downright nasty sometimes.
I said nothing of importance today during work.
I wonder if I will ever find a new job?
I changed my underwear today :P (What! I couldnt’ think of anything else! It’s supposed to be the first things that come to mind!)
I cry ALL the time at sappy movies. It’s like someone left the water faucet on and now I can’t shut it off!
I am not having sex right now LOL
I lose myself and all sense of time when I’m having fun
I leave in 25 more minutes YAY!

Enjoy! lol

The Castle of Dreams

Monday (Revised)

I had to do my best to not laugh at loud at Aussie_male’s comments to my earlier post. That laughter removed all my anger, so thank you Phil. Truthfully, I do realize having been the recipient of Spam messages in the form of comments to my blog, that there are people who abuse the system. I just really never ever thought that my blog would ever be considered one of them. It caught me off guard. I’m sure when a “human” reads this as opposed to a machine they’ll see the difference (after all machines don’t have hearts they can’t read emotion :P), I hope they read it soon. Using blogger for word has saved me having to access the blogger control panel and thus allowing me to post while at work. Having to log in to do this causes me extra steps that can be viewed while I’m at work and this poses a threat to me.

In any event, on to the usual daily messages:

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"If you don't release those who hurt you, you will begin to resemble them."
~Rick Warren.

"You can't go to where you want to be and stay where you are at."
~Joyce Meyer

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I only pulled two today because I was late getting out the door lol. However, the two chosen were very apropos for me. I’ve found recently that I’ve held onto two grudges about people from the online realms that have hurt me. These hurts are deep and the wounds still seep on occasion with poison even today (and in one case this is years ago this happened and I STILL hold onto it today). It makes me very bitter sometimes.

In both cases the people were folks I had trusted with the inner realms of my heart. In both cases, IN MY OPINION, these people had violated the trust that had been bestowed upon them. There are very few ways that people can hurt me this deeply, but both hurt me deep enough that I still harbor upset over it.

Even if it’s just me that has this issue, even if I am harboring anger for nothing, it is still an emotion to be reflected on, actions to be pondered, and yes eventually let go. That’s the part I’m stuck on… the letting go. Soon that will come. With one, already I’ve let some go and my heart is that much better for it. But the sad thing is I will never trust her again like I did and anyone else will really have to earn that type of trust too. Sad that one persons poison can actually do so much damage. Be careful with your words, thoughts, energy, they can turn in to weapons.

On a side note, I’m not sure if you all remember the poem I posted? Here is the link to that prior posting:

Water Shows the Hidden Heart

I might just have another poem coming soon that will be an addendum to that. For those of you that understand what I really mean then it means happiness may be imminent. Look out below! Happiness coming! (maybe)

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DAILY INSPIRATION

Daily inspiration is now permanently housed at Digital Soup Online; the Blog. Feel free to comment there, leave your own insights, affirmations, things you need help on, etc. It’s a place for everyone to get some light, and share some peace and happiness. It may sound crazy, but that’s what it is. In my opinion we need many more places like these (and if you know of some send me the link, I’ll be happy to feature them!)

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WELL WISHES

Today I wish everyone a beautiful Monday. May the lemons of life, be the best lemonade you ever had! Welcome back Jules!
XO

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AND REMEMBER:

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough. We must do."

~Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe, German philosopher, 1749-1832

Musings, considered...spam. Happy Monday to you too

So I come back to posting to finally figure out why I can't use Blogger for word anymore. It keeps giving me errors when I post. Now I know why, check it out folks... You tell me what you think. Is this blog spam? I think that's laughable at best. I wonder what criteria they use for this? Is it because I post 5 days a week not including weekends? Because I do not spam peoples comments like they have mine with ads to check their blog for watch sales...

Here's the note:

Your blog requires word verification
Blogger's spam-prevention robots have detected that your blog has characteristics of a spam blog. (What's a spam blog?) Since you're an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy, and
we sincerely apologize for this false positive.
Before we can turn off mandatory word verification on your posts we'll need to have a human review your blog and verify that it is not a spam blog. Please fill out the form below to get a review. Find out more about how Blogger is fighting spam blogs.

And here is their definition of a spam blog:

What Are Spam Blogs?
As with many powerful tools, blogging services can be
both used and abused. The ease of creating and updating webpages with Blogger
has made it particularly prone to a form of behavior known as link
spamming. Blogs engaged in this behavior are called spam blogs, and can be
recognized by their irrelevant, repetitive, or nonsensical text, along with a
large number of links, usually all pointing to a single site.
Spam blogs
cause various problems, beyond simply wasting a few seconds of your time when
you happen to come across one. They can clog up search engines, making it
difficult to find real content on the subjects that interest you. They may
scrape content from other sites on the web, using other people's writing to make
it look as though they have useful information of their own. And if an automated
system is creating spam posts at an extremely high rate, it can impact the speed
and quality of the service for other, legitimate users.

So now I have to wait for a human person at blogger to review my blog to determine what myself and my dedicated readers already know... that this blog isn't a spam blog. I'm a little irritated by this considering how many times I've gotten spammed in my comments from others. I do hope THEY are considered spam blogs. Because adding light to the world along with my own personal statements to me, doesn't seem to be spam. Though I suppose I could be wrong.

Yes,I've filled out the form for a human to review my blog, but somehow the whole thing just seems stupid to me, and really violates to me what the purpose of my blog is (Open, honest, intimate sharing of my thoughts and light for you all). Then again, maybe I'm just making too much out of nothing, and I should let my personal thoughts be considered spam and be up to a human review for publish-worthyness.

I'll sign off now before I sound even more ridiculous in my anger. I might be back today, but only if I can actually post something positive. though, maybe I should wait for a human to review it before I do so I can use the tools that BLOGGER GAVE ME, without incident.

/rant off

Ladies & Gents, the muse has left the building...

Just wanted to all my tried and true readers know that I will be signing off for a bit. I’ll be posting daily messages in the Digital Soup Online blog but this “Musings” blog won’t be updated for a bit. I do not normally post on the weekends anyway so it shouldn’t be too much of a loss but just in case I don’t post again Monday I wanted you to know why.

Until I blog for you again…Cheers to you

Muse

"I who am blind can give one hint to those who see: use your eyes as if tomorrow you would be stricken blind. And the same method can be applied to the other senses. Hear the music of voices, the song of a bird, & the mighty strains of an orchestra as if you would be stricken deaf tomorrow. Touch each object as if tomorrow your tactile sense would fail. Smell the perfume of flowers, taste with relish each morsel as if tomorrow you could never smell and taste again. Make the most of every sense; glory in all the facets of pleasure and beauty which the world reveals to you through the several means of contact which nature provides."
~ Helen Keller
When we begin to live each day as if it is to be our last one here, we suddenly realize the need to turn every experience into a cherished memory we would want to carry home.

"Kind thoughts are rarer than either kind words or deeds. They imply a great deal of thinking about others. This in itself is rare, but they also imply a great deal of thinking about others without the thoughts being criticisms. This is rarer still."
~ E.W. Faber; 19th century playwright
Try this experiment. For the next 24 hours, do your best to suspend all judgment and criticism of others. Instead, wrap every person you meet in a warm and loving thought of kindness. Don't just limit this to physical contact, but apply it to everyone who comes to mind. And for those you consider enemies, make certain the thought is especially kind. There is a very good chance that by the time the experiment is finished, the way you habitually think about your fellow man will be forever changed.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly."
~Richard Bach, American Author

No matter what might be happening in your life right now, take a deep breath, relax and let your thoughts be still. Just as darkness gives way to dawn, so does despair create a new beginning. Never allow yourself to forget that it is from the darkest moment of the night that each new sunrise is born.

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The last few days have been a blur to me. They’ve been full of highs and lows, emotions, changes, confusion in some cases, and a definitive lack of sleep. I slept Tuesday night for the first time in a few days, passing out early and waking up late. I had a headache due to tension over my work. After a few moments of groggy panic fueled by the absolute refusal to go to work yesterday morning…I decided to call off. Sometimes you just need a mental health day.

With the molasses I feel I’ve been running in the past few days I’ve missed some important things… like the passing of a very dear friend to me. I posted yesterday evening when my internet came back up, about how I felt but my post was not what I would have wanted to say and it was a day late. I thought about it today and thought if I had the means to say all I wanted it still wouldn’t be enough. So I’ll leave my post about her the way it is and let my heart speak the volumes I’m unable to say in quiet… She’ll hear it. She is aware of all the things I speak quietly to her when I’m alone with my thoughts. She knows how much I love her.
Sometimes it is the quiet around us that stills our souls rather than the vocal expression of your life. And so it is today with me.

I hope you all have a wonderful day today.

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DAILY INSPIRATIONS

Has moved over to Digital Soup Online; The Blog; Check it out! Nothing but light and goodness over there for ya ;)

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WELL WISHES

Enjoy the day before Friday, choose something today and enjoy it. Maybe it’s the sun, maybe it’s the clouds… whatever it is let it bring you a smile today. My wish for you today is peace.

xo

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AND REMEMBER:

“It takes a deep commitment to change and an even deeper commitment to grow.”
~Ralph Ellison

Today's Affirmation
I am committed to the evolution of my soul.

Two Years

*Her room in the house known as Utopia Skye in The Sims Online*

If you can't see the link provided for this post you may need to register on the Utopia Skye forums. Registration is free and only requires a valid email address that only *I* will see.

"I met her in an online game, The Sims Online. And at first I wasn't sure she liked me." These are the opening words in the story "Angels Among Us" in the Book Digital Soup Online.

She became a very special friend to me, even though I never met her face to face. She became a very special friend to everyone she met and this is true even after her passing. To read her posts on the Utopia Skye forums gives you a sense of who she was, and still is in our hearts.

I could say a milllion words about Jessie. I could tell you how special she was, how beautiful, how loving. But none would do her justice. I cannot speak in the language of the heart, I can only give it expression through others...

and if you were with me tonight

I'd sing to you just one more time
a song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live

may angels lead you in
hear you me my friends
on sleepless roads the sleepless go
may angels lead you in
("Hear You Me", by Jimmy Eat World)

I miss you Jessie, your words, presence, and spirit continue to this day to move me.

"I've yet to encounter anything more important than friends". Jessie Smith 1976-2004

And I have yet to encounter anyone who moves me so. Thank you Jessie

Forget Me Not...

I have been so busy this morning I didn’t even get to post!

Well the latest update in my life is that I’m exhausted. I didn’t get to sleep until 2am last night and was up at 6am. I just barely made it into work today (THANK YOU AUSSIE_MALE for keeping me awake during my drive!). But I didn’t mind because it was for a good reason. And on top of it, I’ve been working on some online projects lately including volunteering for caringbridge.org. This organization helps families who are going through crises and provides a place for them to communicate to loved ones via the internet. I was so moved by this I immediately vounteeered my time and talents.

Which led to further discussion about the whole direction for Digital soup online. I have always envisioned this portion of my hopes etc to include a newsletter if people wanted it of inspiration. Well as of today The Blog for this page has been created and I’m looking for people to co-author, contribute stories, poetry, whatever is light, positive and loving. There is enough darkness in the world so my mission is to bring light to at least one damn corner of it! If you’re interested in co-authoring or just contributing email me using the email link on this page and we’ll talk!

This has kept me pretty busy the past two days (thank god) and BONUS because they’re things that make me happy too (internally happy, which as you know is different than surface happy). So today even though I’m tired and prone to irritability and/or depression I have a smile on my face.

There’s even talk of making Utopia Skye a non-for-profit organization! So much to think about and ponder.

Today I’ll leave this post as is minus the affirmations and instead put this in closure:

24 Things to Always Remember:

by: Bill Greer, Chicken Soup for the Veteran's Soul
Your presence is a present to the world.
You are unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be.
Take the days just one at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles.
You will make it through whatever comes along.
Within you are so many answers.
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Do not put limits on yourself.
So many dreams are waiting to be realized.
Decisions are too important to leave to chance.
Reach for your peak, your goal and you prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.
The longer one carries a problem the heavier it gets.
Do not take things too seriously.
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way.
Remember that a lot … goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment.
Life’s treasure are people together.

Realize that it is never too late.
Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.
Have hearth and hope and happiness.
Take the time to wish upon a start.

AND DO NOT EVER FORGET ….
FOR EVEN A DAY
HOW VERY SPECIAL YOU ARE !

Happy Monday everyone! Musings to start the week off

Today, write a poem about you as if you were someone else. This MUST be a poem of light, pinpointing your beauty by any means, works, physical appearance etc. Do not be afraid to be conceited. ~Ways to affirm your beauty; Muse

Take 5 minutes to remember what you’ve been through, and how you’ve succeeded. Realize the challenges you’ve had, you’ve overcome. You will never fail in your endeavors because you have strength ~Mr. Uber

If you're feeling down, cheer up! Listen to your favorite upbeat music loudly, & eat your favorite snacks. Dance, sing, & do those things you want to, but rarely ever get a chance. Be as silly & wild as possible; I promise no one is looking! ~Shaun

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Wow, all three affirmations are from friends. Well the first one is one I wrote and *sigh* looks like it might be the hardest one today. People see the word conceited and immediately think negatively. Conceit in the form of recognition can be a good thing. It’s so easy to put down the things we do in life as average. I’m so guilty of that. But sometimes even the most average person can do the most extraordinary things. I’m horrible at allowing myself to feel good or take credit for any good I do, fearing that people will think I’m conceited. I will try hard to write this poem today. It will be posted later.

As for the second one, this is so true. I can’t think of a single person I know who hasn’t struggled and overcome some struggle in life. These trials, struggles etc are things that make us stronger. As much as I would love to look at the things that go wrong in my life and say “I wish I never had a bad thing happen again to me”, I know the minute that were to be true I would have no awareness of the beauty of life; The full picture of it… I forget this simple truth a lot too, especially when I’m depressed or feeling yucky in health. I’m grateful for the reminder of it today.

As for the dancing and music and such, well that’s a good idea Shaun. I may just take you up on it. :D I spend too much time worrying over what people will think of me that I think I never let my hair down anymore. This lesson is a particularly hard one to learn as we are so driven by our need for acceptance (at least I am). I hold this particular affirmation/advice close to me today.

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The weekend didn’t have much to report about it. I drove myself crazy trying to work a new blog template out. I drank too much wine but still wasted the bottle as well *blush* just two glasses makes me loopy. I did my chores, I leveled in World of Warcraft getting my main character to level cap (60).

I spent Sunday dreading coming into work and mentally made a calendar of how many days until 4th of July (16 business days). I’m thinking of taking whatever day is before that off(Monday I think is the 3rd).

I really need to get a job that I enjoy coming to. There are some good things about this job of course. Like: I can post here anytime I want pretty much, I can get a lot of work online done during the day, they’re pretty lax about things, and since I am pretty much the only one who knows computers I can get away with almost anything (though I AM careful). But for all those good points, there are downsides too. I never thought I’d say it, but I’m bored as hell and even have free reign over the internet world is not giving me the satisfaction of a job well done.

My mother never understood that about me. If I am not satisfied in my job, then it doesn’t matter how much I make, I wont want to do it. And the longer this thought process goes on the harder it is for me to get up and come in. It becomes more like pulling teeth everyday then heading to work.

So what’s the problem you ask?

The interviews I’ve been on (few though they are), have been jobs that I’ve been extremely qualified for. In a few cases, I’ve been almost a near perfect fit as far as I knew. One was so good, the company so different than the rest, that I was even considering relocating for it. In my opinion (though I could be wrong), I think I was not hired because of my weight. I’ve been on a thousand interviews in my life (almost literally) and I know the signs, I know what to do, I have no qualms presenting and I do it well. On top of that, I know my shit. I’m professional courteous and talented, but I never get called back. In one case (the latest one in fact), I went through 3 levels of interviews and they LOVED me, they told me so on the phone interviews. I went to the city and met with the president, had a fabulous interview and never heard from them again…EVER.

I’ve considered in light of this and am still considering, relocating out of state in the hopes of being able to get work elsewhere, maybe Illinois is just tapped you know? But since I can’t get a job here with any ease, I would HATE to move out of state, perhaps inconvenience whomever I stay with, uproot my whole life and then not be able to get a job you know?

With that said I have to renew my efforts to lose weight. I try, but motivation is not easy for me. Any emotional baggage or upset can throw my carefully balanced world of emotions out the window. If I feel that I’m taking a backseat to someone else, or not being thought of at all, or just generally wishing I were in a better situation (self defeating attitude I know), it causes me to say “I’m not working out today, it’s not worth it” or to eat more.

I know it may be obvious to some, but I know after some careful deliberation about my issues and concerns in life that 90% of my problem for me is this idea of how disgusting I am, or overweight or not healthy, or not able to succeed in love, work, etc simply because of my weight. Knowing this, I’m arming myself to try and attack this head on… everyday

Everyday I try again… So today, here’s hoping that I can renew and work on my commitment to myself…for myself. I have hope and today I have desire. Maybe they can work hand in hand for once and form a barrier against failure.

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WELL WISHES

I wish you all well today. I wish today being Monday would be beautiful and wonderful and NOT like any Monday you’ve ever had.

*****
AND REMEMBER:

(How PERFECT today)
"Your mental attitude will lead you into the light or hold you in darkness. It will lead you to hope or despair, to a glorious success or a miserable failure, and it is entirely within your own power to choose which it shall be." ~Orison Swett Marden, Early 20th Century Success Writer

Wine.. is good

This is the HIGHLY unusual weekend post. Not that it's anthing special per se, but that it's just unusual.

I've been seeking a means to do a few things:

1. back up this site in two formats. a) as a .pdf file so that I can have it electronically and b) as a text file that somehow captures all the images I've loaded and the comments people have posted with all the date headers and such (but minus the links) so I can publish my blog as a book.

Now I know, you're saying "But Why?". Well because I think given bloggers recently up and down history I'm not sure it will keep the archive of my life for me safely so I would like to just ensure somewhere I have a copy. That and even though it's not important to someone else, it is MY life, MY words and even MY poetry. Plus I do on occasion succumb to the little thing I have called EGO and would like to see my blog in print. Even if I'm the only one that enjoys it :P

That said we've discovered bloggers inability to load pictures with ease, and my inability to back up this site and as a result I've tried a new blogging service "Typepad". This one is a pay service and I would be willing to ante up a small amount for something that is reasonable. However the NOT user friendly means with which one has to create and modify the HTML of their templates has so filled me with frustration that I did the unthinkable... I opened a bottle of wine.

*GASP* I know, I know. Even after my adventure with the Reisling and wondering why I couldn't type (or see the keyboard too much after a few glasses) I finally decided to come back to the drawing board later.

Which I did, and I'm suprised and saddened to say, it wasn't my inebriated state that didn't allow for the HTML to work... in my opinion it was TypePad. So glass in hand after anothernights frustration trying to make it work I must say, I'm back on the tried and true blogger for a while.

And that folks means, I need something stronger tha wine tonight to deal with that assessment, yup yup... I need... sleep.

Nighty night all you wonderful folks.

xo

Baby Muse (and some other stuff :P)

I give up on trying to figure out why Blogger wont put in some of my hard returns. I just have to apologize to you all because the formatting on this is sporadic at best. I'm still looking into a different blogging service, because this is just ridiculous

a man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries
and high above the church bells start to ring
and as the heaviness the body oh the heaviness settles in
somewhere you can hear a mother sing

then it's one foot then the other as you step out onto the road
how much weight? how much weight?
then it's how long? and how far?
and how many times before it's too late?

calling all angels
calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
calling all angels
calling all angels
we're cryin' and we're hurtin'
and we're not sure why...

and every day you gaze upon the sunset
with such love and intensity
it's almost...it's almost as if
if you could only crack the code
then you'd finally understand what this all means

but if you could...do you think you would
trade in all the pain and suffering?
ah, but then you'd miss
the beauty of the light upon this earth
and the sweetness of the leaving

calling all angels
calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
callin' all angels
callin' all angels
we're tryin'
we're hopin'
we're hurtin'
we're lovin'
we're cryin'
we're callin'
'cause we're not sure how this goes

Calling All Angels – Jane Siberry (From the Pay It Forward Movie Soundtrack)

*****

How wonderful it must be to speak the language of the angels, with no words for hate and a million words for love! ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

Friends are kisses blown to us by angels. ~Author Unknown

The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone. ~George Elliot

*****

I do love that song so much. It's one of the few that I listen to that can almost always bring a tear to my eye. Not only did I love it in the movie (which it was perfect for) but because at the end of it, the swelling of the singing almost pleading about the many different ways we are, softening into the truth that none of us knows just how this goes... It gives me shivers ow thinking of it. Truly that's how things are, we don't know how this goes. So we just try the best we can.

I am so glad it's Friday here. Simply because I get a half day at work today (first and foremost) but also because I can just lounge around and do what I want to do. God I love that. I hav big plans this weekend to have a date with my bathtub and lots of homemade bath oils and scrubs and girly type stuff. I have co-erced a male friend of mine to watch a movie with me that I love (but he may just groan his way through it). Eh, that's ok, I'm just happy that he's being kind enough to watch it with me.

The movie is "The Notebook". Believe it or not someone recommended (a GUY no doubt) that I watch this years ago and I refused until just recently. It has now become my favorite movie right up there with Titanic and Moulin Rouge among others. I know what you're saying, "total chick flick" but whatever people. Movies about love and romance are not just chick flicks (or shouldn't be). I know women are more emotion, men are more about logic or sometimes just passion lol, but still somethings can be shared and enjoyed. In any event, I'm looking forward to seeing the movie (again) but with someone this time.

So now that Blogger has gotten whatever problem it was having out of it's system, I thought I'd take advantage today by posting a whole slew of pics including a few of oyours truly in the "younger years" as I so lovingly call them. Hey make no mistake, both the clothing AND the hair was all the rave back then, I was at the top of the fashion chain when I was modeling (and it WAS 1986 - 1992 so give me a break will ya?). So here ya go...

Baby Muse Pic, even I have to say it... hot DAMN I was a cutie ;) and look at that dimple! I have many more dimples (yup even now in my *cough* old age)

This is the first ever picture of me with my biological brother Glenn. I was I think 2 and he was 4 or maybe i was 3 and he was 5. Who knows I just know just like puppies we are DAMN cute...

In High School I started modeling. This shot was a high school picture, taken of me my Sophmore year. Back then Aqua Net was hot and if you wore Pink satin ANYTHING you were damn cool. At least in my school :P

In my college days (1989-1993 when I got married) I was modeling for a catalogue and did some private modeling as well ;)

There are many more pics that I've found. If there is enough interest, if Blogger decides to finally stop fighting me and work with me, and if I feel comfortable enough I may just bore you with the posting of them :P

For now until I can think of more things to say (or Crony goes away, one of the two) i'll leave you now dear readers of my drudgery with the usual compliment of inspirations, well wishes and quotes. Have a fabulous day everyone!

*****

DAILY INSPIRATION:

Now is the time

Whatever happened on the previous attempt doesn't matter anymore. What matters is what you do now.

Though you may have failed once, or numerous times, or a thousand times, that has no bearing on what you're able to do now. In fact, each failed attempt brings you closer to success.

By discovering what does not work, you have more information to help you know what does work. The more you have invested in the goal, the more motivated you are to make it succeed.
Effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more capable and more experienced.

Now is the time to make use of all that strength and experience. Now is the time to push forward with more commitment and effectiveness than ever before.

Take great satisfaction in where you have been and in how far you have come. Now is your opportunity to make it into real and lasting success.

-- Ralph Marston (The Daily Motivator)

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WELL WISHES:

Have a happy Friday everyone! Do something even if it's just one small thing today, that YOU want to do. You have my permission ;) XO

*****

AND REMEMBER:

"To some people, surrender may have negative connotations, implying defeat, giving up, failing to rise to the challenges of life, becoming lethargic, and so on. True surrender, however, is something entirely different. It does not mean to passively put up with whatever situation you find yourself in and to do nothing about it. Nor does it mean to cease making plans or initiating positive action. Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life."

~Eckhart Tolle (Quote is taken from: The Power Of Now)

Opinions, Rants, and 7 Deadly Sins OH MY! **LONG POST**

I'm so damn tired of fighting with blogger over my pictures. I kid you not, every day it takes me at LEAST 15 tries, by either uploading them to my own web server, or by direct upload to blogger before I can ever get the picture to show. I'm looking into switching bloggers as we speak because this is just TOO FRUSTRATING to deal with. I need opinions of good blogging services, and ideas on how to make a .pdf file and zip file of all my existing posts and comments (like someone did for Cancer Baby's Blog). I've decided that after I find a way to archive my blog into a .pdf file, that I'm switching to a service that actually works...

/rant off

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I have a fairly long post today though not becuase I have a lot to say. In fact, I only have a little to say, but I did find on another blog (Cray's blog) a cool thing I wanted to do and post for you.

But!

I do have some important things I want to say first :P

First and foremost, thank you to the Senate for not allowing the Same Sex Marriage Amendment to be put in place. I’m usually very quiet about things that stir up such a hot debate like homosexuality, religion, etc. But on this I have to speak out.

I really enjoyed Blog Dog’s post on the subject, and for those liberals out there you might enjoy it too.

**THIS FOLLOWING IS IN MY OPINION. Please comment if you wish, but be advised that any flaming comments or otherwise non constructive comments will be deleted**

What I have to say about it is this. We cannot allow a political body of any kind to use the rights of people as a means to further a political agenda. In my opinion the discussion of homosexuality is not based on love. Love can’t be decided by anyone but the parties involved. It’s based on the “sex” of homosexuality (yes, this includes lesbians too). People are so damn afraid of what they do not understand that if they can’t run from it, they try to get rid of it. Who are we to tell people with respect to their partnership choices, what they can and can’t do? I firmly believe in gay marriages, that these partners who’ve chosen to love each other the same as any straight couple do, should have the same choices and options. Blog Dog’s post says it perfectly, if having a gay child is a parenting failure, and considering that most of the gay folks come from STRAIGHT homes, then gay couples & families should be the institution that they think the conventional family is.

On a bigger scale too, think people… If we allow the government who is to be separated from matters of religion specifically to avoid things such as this where a covenant of religious belief (i.e. marriage) is to become an “Institution” so it makes it easier for them to have the power to change it…If we allow them to control this, what’s next? Wasn’t the constitution written to protect people? How are we protecting people by prohibiting their freedoms?

As one other person said to me in conversation over this, think back 20 or 40 years ago when it was forbidden to marry out of your race. What if back then we had the government propose a Out of Race marriage ban that was put into the constitution? Would we now as progressive thinkers after having our eyes opened years later, go “Oops?”.

Even if you’re not a gay rights activist… you should be a HUMAN rights activist and realize that giving any governmental body the power to do these things is the beginning of the end of democracy. Whose agenda do you think that’s furthering?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Secondly,

I SLEPT LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok now that that’s done… hehe. I did indeed, I fell asleep at 8:30 and didn’t wake up until nearly 6am today. Thank GOD!

The trick? I exercised… We’ll have to incorporate this routine daily I think. Today, I can think, I’m awake (relatively so, I’m still tired after 4 days of 2 hours sleep or so lol) and that makes me happy. So today is a good day!

Course it helps that Crony isn’t in, the sun is shining and that it’s Thursday just before Friday (yay!)

So today I’m going to leave you all with thoughts of sun and happiness… And because this post will be so long (see the interactive list below) I will again do well wishes across the board in one fell swoop. My list of well wishes is quite long and they’ll keep for extra special wishes another day.

One last thing:

CONGRATULATIONS MR. QUIET STRENGTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He took the 1st out of 7 exams to become MCSE certified and passed! Way to go *smile*

And now for the list… Post yours in comments if you wish.

*****
-- PRIDE --
1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Published Digital Soup for the Online Soul keeping a promise to a friend!

2. What's one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?T
hat I’m such a loving person (yes, I called my mom to confirm this, and no she’s not crazy xo to my mom!)

3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
I would LOVE to get to my optimum weight for me and be that confident person again in all I do.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Sometimes....

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
No.

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Once in College. I really did feel awful afterwards though. I told my teacher what happened and told him to fail me, and he wouldn’t. He did however give me a ton of extra work to do to make up for it :P

7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
Spoke my mind openly.

-- ENVY --
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
I would like to have the house that Mrs. M in AZ has :P

2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
Definitely Mrs. Virgo!

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
I don’t think I could be anyone else… if I did, I wouldn’t be me and I just think I should only be me.

4. Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes.

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Oh god yes.

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
The ability to no matter what they eat be skinny and sexy.

7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey?
No, lol but I think it’s a good one

-- WRATH --
1. Who did you last get angry with?
My Ex.

2. What is your weapon of choice?
A Very sharp Katana (though I’ve never had to use it and probably wouldn’t be able to LOL).

3. Did you hit a member of the opposite sex?
Yes, on accident when I was sleeping I rolled over and smacked my ex in the well sensitive area for men lol.

4. How about of the same sex?
no.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
My mother.

6. What is your pet peeve?
people that don’t care about others feelings.

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I keep some grudges, depending on the offense.

-- SLOTH --
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
Well shower… lol. But I do not believe that you have to shower everyday, I will go every other day unless of course I’ve been sweating profusely etc..

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
3pm!

3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
Brandon.

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
It’s not that I don’t want to come over, I just have this online thing to do (it really was true, but it just sounds lame lol)

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
*blush* yes.

6. When was the last time you got in a good workout?
yay! Last night! (proud to answer this).

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
Twice.

-- GREED --
1. How many credit cards do you own?
2.

2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
Whole Foods

3. If you had $10 million, what would you do with it?
Have a kick ass house builton a huge lot that would be big enough for friends to build their houses on. Buy a new car, a home theater system and a new laptop. Donate 1 million to various charities, and put another million aside for philanthropic efforts (to people not organizations… writers and such)

4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Famous.

5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
I would love to say no, but I have this job now. Granted it’s not megabucks but it’s more than I was making and the job is BOOOORING.

6. Have you ever stolen anything?
yes lol.

7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
Is this a trick question? :P
Lots.

-- GLUTTONY --
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Starbucks Iced Almond Vente Latte.

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat??
white

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
I can’t remember but by the time I was relieved of the bottle of rum I was drinking it straight from the bottle. Is that a lot? (and this was in like 1987 lol)

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
yes

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
No, not at all… why do you ask? :P (yes)

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
All of the above but not at the same time.

7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"?
eww no lol.

-- LUST --
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):uh a lot

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family):
enough :P

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
*blush* yes

4. Have you "done it"?
Duh, Yes

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Lips

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
No

7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
Yes (pregnancy)

Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
Gluttony

*****
DAILY INSPIRATION
From DailyOM

Power In Numbers
Sending Our Collective Light To The World

Like tiny ripples that merge to form great waves, combined human intent is worth more than the sum of its parts. A single individual can initiate worldwide improvement by emitting conscious frequencies of love, beauty, goodness, and wisdom. A group of people focusing their energy on sending out light to the world can set the stage for positive global transformation. All of us possess the ability to channel love energy, to heal, to be a conduit for white light, and to positively influence our fellow humans from afar. Yet one person can only do so much. Imagine if each one of us took a few moments at the start of each day to send out light to the world from our hearts. Mother Earth would be quickly eased and the planet, as well as every organism and being on it, would be bathed in loving light. The world would be an infinitely beautiful place.

You can help bring about an earth where love triumphs over violence, air and water are nourishing in their purity, and people take pleasure in simply being alive. Alone, the light you emit is a wonderful healing tool, but when you join with others who share your intent to shine compassion and positive energy over the world, a powerful force is created. Your collective consciousness and collective light will wash over the planet, enveloping people, communities, cities, countries, and continents. Inviting others to send light with you can be a daunting task. People may question the benefits of sending light to an already broken world. You will likely need to explain that each person's light joins with every other, and through the joining all are strengthened. Assure them that what matters is not technique or what religion or beliefs you hold but intent.

As more people come in mindfulness to send their collective light to the world, the power of their planetary gift will increase exponentially. You may already be affiliated with groups that would gladly participate in such a noble project. Children, who often feel incapable of influencing their world yet are reservoirs of innate power are usually enthusiastic about sharing their collective light. As you gather together willing people, your individual intent will become a great and powerful wave, and you will see results in your fellow humans, in the news, and in your daily life.

*****
WELL WISHES

Today I wish for everyon to have a day of joy. May something, anything spark a smile for you. May you receive at least one hug and be the recipient of many niceties :) xo

*****
AND REMEMBER

"Every single one of us can do things that no one else can do, can love things that no one else can love. We are like violins. We can be used for doorstops or we can make music."

~Barbara Sher; Author - "I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was"

Wednesday's child was weird... & she had nothing interesting to say :P

Wow


Um do you think he uses a dating service?


So the first story is about the selling of pictures of Brangelina’s baby. People magazine reportedly paid 4 MILLION for exclusive images. But Apparently Hello! Magazine got the goods first. The blog above does the article justice… It’s a good read.

As for the second link, I’ve always been a Keanu Reeves fan. I wonder if he uses any dating service. Do you think he’d go for….nah. Dreams dreams dreams lol

I wonder if he’d participate in the In my pants craze… I bet as an actor he’d have a few good ones to add :P

Oh and I might be tempted to post some new writing today on my message boards. Maybe… ;)



I’m in a weird mood today. Check back later to see if it persists or if I slip back into the coma like phase known as work with relative ease.



Ciao

Beauty...

Ways to contribute to good causes online…

Rosetta(at)home article

The Rosetta(at)Home Webpage

The SETI at Home website

I thought these were interesting ways to help out. You make your own assessment.

Ta ta!

*WARNING*: /rant /sarcasm /witch alert

*****

I haven’t been sleeping too well lately, again. I am not sure why this is. I barely remember the drive into work this morning (yea, that’s a bad thing!). It’s not that I’m on the computer late at all. I’ve been logging off very early these days now. I try to sleep, going to bed right away but I just toss and turn. Don’t even suggest warm milk, I can’t drink it *BLECH*

All I know is I need to figure this out, because I spent quite a few years of my life as a zombie when I wasn’t sleeping. I won’t do that again.

Nothing new in my life to report; same job, same weight, same lack of love, same bills and financial woes.

That’s not an entirely true statement either *sigh*.

I made a promise to myself in 2004 that I wouldn’t hold back in this blog. I suppose I have to tell all.

I find as I get older that I suffer from frequent visits of the little green monster who goes by the name Jealousy. It doesn’t matter how you try to justify it, it’s still baseline jealousy. In my old age *cough*, I am having more difficult time being happy for people who get in their life, what I dream of in mine. This means, mainly love but it is not exclusive to that.

I know of several people who have met online and have had the blessing of falling in love and making a relationship work. Some of these people have age and large distance issues too but somehow they make it work. And I have…none.

I’ve tried and am still trying the online dating thing. It’s disgusting me really that people are so ignorant of other folks feelings and that 90% of the men I've met (despite my ad being EXTREMELY clear and well written) STILL persist in trying to just get laid...but I keep trying.

I just can’t get rid of the this little green monster who just wont go away. I’m jealous over a house, over a person who’s building a house because of how much it cost. Not that I want that house mind you, but because of the principal. This person shouldn’t DOESN”T deserves this happiness/ability.

I’m jealous over people’s relationships. I mean, where are these fabulous people they've found? Where can I meet them? Because online (short of the irony of whatever deity is laughing at me, throwing perfectly good folks into my lap who are perfectly TAKEN) I've yet to meet anyone online of any caliber that I would have a long term relationship with (see above online dating statement). As for the recipients of these relationships, some of these people truly deserve love (and I’m less jealous over them), but some in my mind really need to learn more lessons first (classic judgmental Virgo) and in my opinion are therefore not deserving of this beautiful thing called love & that’s when I get jealous.

I’m also upset over other things that I just wont mention here because some of these people read my blog. Sometimes just an implication through a pattern of words set can hurt people. (Purposefully vague)

God I sound like such a bitch don’t I?

I hate it when I can’t sleep.

Here’s some inspiration for you that interestingly enough is very apropos for me today. I’ll try really hard to remember this one today.

Have a wonderful day everyone, sorry to be in such a sour mood…

*****

DAILY INSPIRATION

Above The Clouds - DailyOm

The Sun Is Always Shining

There are times when gloom or darkness causes us to momentarily lose sight of the light. Although it is at these times when the thought of the sun can help us. Its warm, glowing rays brighten even our thoughts, and it's good to remember that despite appearances the sun is shining right now. We may not be able to see it at this very moment, but if clouds block our view, they are only filtering the sun's light temporarily. If darkness has fallen, we know that the sun is still shining at this very moment somewhere not too far away, and it's only a matter of time before it will shine on us again.

When we remember that the sun is still shining, we know that things are still in motion in the universe. Even if life feels like it is at a standstill, sometimes all we need to do is have faith and wait for the time when everything is in its perfect place. Or we can we can choose to follow the cues of the sun and continue doing our work and shining our light, even when we can't yet see results. In doing so we exercise our patience, making sure we are prepared when opportunity knocks and all other elements are in their right and perfect places.

The sun also reminds us that our own shining truth is never extinguished. Our light shines within us at all times, no matter what else occurs around us. Though the sun gives us daily proof of its existence, sometimes our belief in our own light requires more time. If we think back, however, we can find moments when it showed itself and trust that we will see it again. Like the sun, our light is the energy that connects us to the movements of the universe and the cycles of life and is present at all times, whether we feel its glow or not.

*****

AND REMEMBER:

Even muses can be nasty biz nitches too :P Run for the hills!

Conversations with Friends

"Favorite people, favorite places, favorite memories of the past.  These are the joys of a lifetime; these are the things that last." ~ Henry Van Dyke

Though my soul may set in darkness,  It will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night”.  ~ Sarah Williams

"You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being -- not because somebody says so, not because you're successful, not because you make a lot of money -- but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason."  ~Unknown

*****
Today’s post is late… And it’s all Aussie_male’s fault :P

Conversation with friends is a great thing.  I’ve been trying to be better at this, both locally and online.  One of the things I’ve learned over the years even online is that:

"One of the greatest gifts you can give to anyone is the gift of your attention."
~Jim Rohn (Motivational Coach and Speaker)

Too many times we’re distracted by other things.  This is most true of our online chats.  How many times have you had more than one conversation going on online at a time?  That’s the beauty of it isn’t it?  That you can multi-task right?  The problem is sometimes the person on the other end feels slighted, like they’re less important.  I try to avoid giving that feeling to anyone.  

The reason this post being late is Aussie_male’s fault is because this morning he gave me and I gave him all my attention in an hour long conversation spanning several topics.  It’s conversations like these that I love.  I am blessed to have had and continue to have them with several people: Dana, Beth, Shaun, Aussie_male, Mr. Uber, Mr. Serenader, Tony, Sylph, Kami, and even sometimes Cray.  I enjoy those times when it’s just us and the conversation flows just like a never ending brook with many twists and turns.  

One of the things I discussed with Aussie_male today was the fact that the woman I used to be is lost.  She’s here somewhere inside me but she is lost her way home.  I explained that I have always been how people online have seen me.  Very open, very much the life of the party, very much a good friend, good listener, someone who makes others laugh etc.  But the difference back then, was that I did this in “real life”.  

Online I’m like this all the time.  I accept for the most part everyone as they are.  I want to be like this in real life now.  I want to be confident again.  I want to be able to walk away from people that hurt me and not look back, instead of looking back and questioning what I did wrong.  I want to get rid of the poison people give me with ease, letting it disappear from my heart without damaging my spirit as things seem to do these days when others hurt me.  

And for those of you reading this saying “You can do this, if you just try”.  I AM trying.  I am trying online dating, I am trying to lose weight, I am trying through several different endeavors to change my way of thinking to process things fairly but with less importance as I place on them now.  It’s a long, HARD process.  And believe me, as someone who never was accustomed to this way of being, thinking, feeling…it’s not that easy to make change as people think.  It can be done of course, but it’s not as easy as the proverbial “just do it” phrase would have you think.

Everyday is a start.  Everyday is a step in the right direction.  Everyday has promise.  But it’s hard.  So today I’m grateful for the conversations I have with folks where I can be who I am, depressed or otherwise.  I’m grateful for the conversation where I can admit my failings.  I’m grateful for the conversations that help me see the light of whatever problem has me in the dark.  Those conversations keep me on my path.  

Thank you my friends for those conversations.  

*****
WELL WISHES
May you all today enjoy the benefit of good conversation with friends or loved ones; and may it make you smile.

*****
AND REMEMBER:

“The child within you has what it takes to envision and manifest ANYTHING!  Let your spirit soar upon wings of creation! Let your soul playfully dance!  Let your inner kid out of you and give your self _expression!  You are a child of the universe—if you can imagine it, you can be it!”  ~Greg Barrette

Yay it's friday again!

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Today I can handle whatever comes up, knowing that I am surrounded with all the positive energies of good and love in the universe.
You CAN surpass whatever life throws at you. KNOW this, and do it.

I am a beautiful person.
Say this throughout the day that you pull this. Even if you laugh as you say it, just say it.

"Forgiveness is an act of self-love" ~Don Miguel Ruiz "The Mastery of Love"
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I'm trying really hard to look to these affirmations today for strength. Each one of them is a good one today.

I had a hard ride home yesterday as I got a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt. in an of itself this isn't a huge thing. It’s just a ticket after all and it doesn’t even go on my record. However, it’s $25 that I do no have. Most of you very close personal friends of mine know that money is still elusive to me, and $25 to me is HUGE. It means a missed bill it’s that big. So that sent me yesterday into a downward spiral as I had to adjust my budget for this stupidity.

Then I fell asleep on the couch last night at 7pm! I woke up at 10:30pm, knowing I had messed up my already messed up sleep schedule. Sure enough I was up until 3am. (Mind you I have to be up at the ABSOLUTE latest by 6am). So I cleaned, did laundry, got garbage ready, leveled a character in WoW, backed up my mom’s pc. Finally I fell asleep at 3am…

Then on the way to work again a car issue in that I was nearly a participant in two accidents. I had to slam on my brakes so hard this morning to avoid one of them, that my seatbelt locked up. I’ve decided I’m just going to stay home this weekend. I have no money to go anywhere anyway, and I think given my car/driving issues the past two days maybe I should just stay home lol.

Then I get to work and because I have to have conversation with crony or else she thinks I treat her badly, I mention that I am looking into a health club and am part of a project with some friends regarding weight loss. She proceeds in one fell swoop to tell me that I can’t afford the health club and I should just walk outside, and then tells me that because the weight loss thing is online and isn’t part of a planned weight loss regime, that I will fail. Not that I hope you’ll have success, or that your success may be moderate, but that I will FAIL. I hate when people can’t even be decent enough to at lest be semi supportive. I mean I have to go out of my way to be nice to her so she wont think I dislike her (which I do, but hey I guess she’d rather have the delusion), she could at least go out of her way in return to TRY and be nice.

So I’m trying really hard to look on the highlighted quote of the day and remember that forgiveness is truly an act of self love. I’m trying to remember that it’s Friday and half my weekend chores are already done. I’m trying really hard to think that maybe the $25 in fines is worth it if in some way the seatbelt ever saves my life instead of wondering how I’m going to pay back my mother. I’m trying really hard to be spiritual instead of angry this morning at Crony. I’m trying…

I think Wine and Incense and meditation is on the agenda for tonight... that and a THOROUGH closet cleaning. Anyone want to have some Fat Bastard with me? Local folks this means you... if you want to come by we'll be having wine and cheese and crackers. So call me, email me, IM me if you want wine and a pick me up of friendship.

Have a wonderful Friday everyone.
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DAILY INSPIRATION
From Daily OM

Inner Access
Transcendental Meditation
The complexity and variety of meditative techniques can be awe inspiring. There are a great many to choose from and various aspects of each to be learned. But at the heart of them lies transcendental meditation (TM). A practice rooted in ancient times but outlined by Maharishi Mahesh in 1957, TM is as beneficial for the novice as it is for the experienced practitioner. It is simple, neither a way of life nor a spiritual belief, and can be practiced by anyone of any age or lifestyle.

The strength of TM's effectiveness is in one's personal mantra, which, according to Mahesh, can be any word, name, or syllable that has meaning for you. Practicing TM twice daily, in the morning and evening, has been shown to increase concentration, memory, learning ability, and creativity, as well as to reduce stress, anxiety, and incidents of illness. It is a very personal meditation, and so your results will be unique.

Beginning TM is as straightforward as sitting comfortably with your eyes closed. Do not try to relax or control your breathing. Wait thirty seconds and then begin thinking your mantra. You may want to experiment with different mantras, but keep in mind that the goal is not to focus on the mantra or even to think it clearly. The mantra needn't have a rhythm. If thoughts interrupt your mantra, don't push them away, but instead let them pass. After fifteen to twenty minutes, stop thinking the mantra and sit quietly for another two minutes before opening your eyes. During the meditation, you will find that your mind will settle down and you will enter a period of deeply relaxed alertness in which your consciousness transcends its normal boundaries. Your creativity will thrive while accumulated mental fatigue is washed away. Your body will also have settled into a state of deep restfulness.

Some believe that TM can help one attain a higher consciousness, while others see the meditation as a route to self-knowledge and physical and mental health. In TM, however, there are no right or wrong goals. The practice simply provides you with a way to access all facets of your existence - mental, physical, spiritual, individual, and universal - in a natural and nurturing way.

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WELL WISHES

I wish you all a wonderfully happy day full of nothing but joy. May your hearts feel love, your eyes have a smile in them, and your friends have lots of hugs for you. I know I would have a hug for each of you if I were near you :)

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AND REMEMBER:

"Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. "
~David M. Burns

Third Time's the charm (I know three posts in a day! O_O)

Well since I had such issues blogging today I figured after I had cooled down, laughed a little and had some chocolate... erm I mean received some elinghtenment, I thought I'd post again. This time this post is the content that's missing from my previous posts today :P

I LOVE the quote I've chosen today. Not only did a good friend give it to me, but I was able to find such a beautiful picture to go with it. It's a very good mix.

I've been busily cleaning out several rooms in my house and while I didn't get as much done last night as I wanted (turns out I had an unanticipated date with the couch, passing out there at 8:30pm), I still have cleaned out a TON. I'm moving on to the closet in my master bedroom and the closet in the second bedroom. I have to do this by this weekend so that I have as much garbage as possible ready to go because someone is coming over to take it ALLLLL out for me. *YIPEE!!*

What this means is I have been flooded recently with memories and images of things I hadn't even thought of in years. I've found drawings, writings, etc. Some good, some bad... some I wish I hadn't remembered.

We all have skeletons in our closets and even if those skeletons aren't ones WE made, they are remnants of things we experienced or shared or were a part of in some way. To go back and read the words I wrote as a 17 year old during a tumultuous time in my life sometimes makes me want to cry and other times makes me smile even with those tears. IN one of my private journals handwritten I state:

"I do not know what it is that makes me almost compelled to reach out and help others, but I just have to... Even if I'm rejected I've always felt this was what I was supposed to do...Isn't their smile worth it?"

For a time when I was 17 though, I was impacted tremendously by a series of events, the final event during this time being so impacting it nearly crippled me when I was just coming into my own. This particular event's echoes resound against my heart now, but thankfully they are just that, echoes. This skeleton is a permanent skeleton I'm afraid, but as it shakes is bones, it's hinges squeak with the rust forgottenness. Meaning, I know it's there, it's a part of me, but it doesn't affect me anymore. But reading about it again brings back the memories of just how much it affected me. Even though i am just reading the words with my adult eyes I can still hear my teenage voice speaking them.

I remember always wanting to be the strong one for people when they needed it; so much so that I often forgot about me and my needs. This was the downside of my love for people. The ability to forget myself came to easily to me and I often did forget about myself.

I can say however that at this critical time in my life, when I was 17 was a time when thankfully that when I fell people were there to hold me up. One person in particular stood out to me. She was my fighter when I couldn't yell, my shoulder when I just wanted to cry, and my heart when my spirit was broken feeding me love whenever I needed it.

Thank you mom, your help during that time was everything I needed. It's because of you that I am not crippled today over this. Thank you... *XO*

Man it has been a crappy morning (The picture that never was)

All I wanted to do was post a nice entry, complete with this picture. I tried i kid you not OVER 15 times to add this picture. I loaded it directly from my pc, I loaded it from my web server. I even logged out and then back in and tried again to NO avail. Then I thought, fine I'll just make a post of *just* this picture, and I did and then Internet Explorer crapped out on me and I lost everything and had to start AGAIN.

What a crock

lol

((CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY AFTER 15 ATTEMPTS TO LOAD A DAMN PICTURE IT STILL WONT LOAD?? YET IT CONFIRMS IT'S LOADED??))


"If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realizing that you are the author and everyday you have the opportunity to write a new page."~Mark Houlahan

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~ Mark Twain. (Sent in by Aussie_Male 5-06)

"If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves." ~Thomas Edison
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Ok today is a rant. i'm FURIOUS at blogger. It takes a LOT to publish this blog with the formatting it has. And the worst piece of it is the damn pictures. You're supposed to just be able to click a link and voila, picture inserted. But it's not true! I've tried uploading it from my pc, loading it from my website server, everything! and I've done it OVER AND OVER AND OVER and NOTHING. What the HELL!??

This has been going on since I even STARTED posting pictures at all but for the most part I just suck it up because everyone else can post them, so I must just be retarded. Well today I'm FED UP. I'm not posting anything else except this rant because this annoys the SHIT out of me.

Maybe when I'm a little less angry, I'll post more but for now, this is how I feel.
Have a nice day.

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DAILY INSPIRATION

Remembering Who We Are - DailyOm
Brave Spirits

Most of us are familiar with the idea that we are not human beings having spiritual experiences; instead, we are spiritual beings having human experiences. We hear this and even though we may experience a resounding yes in our bodies, we may not take the time to really acknowledge the truth of these statements. Integrating this idea into how we view ourselves can broaden our sense of who we are and help us appreciate ourselves as brave spirits on an important mission to learn and grow here on earth.

As spiritual beings, we are visitors in this physical realm. The fact that we came here and lost all memory of what happened to us before we were born is one of the many reasons that it takes so much courage for a soul to incarnate on earth. This is why spiritual inquiry so often feels like a remembering-because it is. Remembering that we are spiritual beings is part of the work that we are here on earth to do. When we operate from a place of remembering, we tap into the wisdom that our spirit accumulated even before we stepped into this lifetime. Remembering who we are can give us the patience to persevere when we become overwhelmed or frustrated. It can give us the courage to work through the most daunting challenges and help us trust the ancient wisdom we carry that is offered to us by our intuition.

We have chosen to be on earth because there is something we want to learn that can only happen by inhabiting a body. Some of us are here to repay a debt, learn about love, or teach forgiveness. Most of us are here for a combination of reasons, we carry this information in our souls, all we have to do is remember. As you go through your journey, try not to forget how brave you are, being here now. Honor yourself.

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AND REMEMBER
"Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And every time a crisisdeveloped, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air -explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutesinto the air. Floating down to earth - boxes of Crayolas. And wewouldn't go cheap, either - not little boxes of eight. Boxes ofsixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. With silver andgold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber andall the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny lookon their faces and cover the world with imagination."

~ Robert Fulghum
Author of "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten"