Delusions

Ok so we all have this image we like to think we portray. Some of us actually do portray what we think we are, some of us don’t but WISH we could. That's ok too because it spurs us to do better, be better, try harder. Then there's the group who don't portray but live deluded thinking we actually do. Now these people have it hard, because they're the ones who will twist little happenings to make it seem that what they portray is real. I feel sorry for these people.

I know someone who thinks that other think they're very good at a certain thing (name withheld for obvious reasons folks). In fact it's all they talk about to me on the phone even. Over and over and over again I hear "they know who I am, they fear me, they know I'm good". I've even seen this person say in general public or in groups of specific people, "I am so and so" and this person actually expects these people to know of them. Not only that, but to also acknowledge their greatness?!

The thing that sucks the most about this, is that people while nice, civil and sometimes courteous when on the same side... Really do NOT have the impression of this person that they think or wish others did. As a matter of fact, while the person I know thinks they do sooo good, the other people I'm with at the time waste no time saying "they suck".

Self awareness, admittance of one's talents even in the face of others who may not think you're talented, is good. But to take it to delusional status is bad. It's to the point where I don’t want to talk to this person because all they think is they have this reputation, and they're "known" when they Maybe be known, but it's not for how they think it is. It's quite the opposite. People think this person is a joke, and is not good at what they claim to be. It puts me in a bad spot.

As far as I'm concerned I try to have humility at all times. Probably to my downfall even. But last night I got some validation that gave me a swell of pride. Someone I fight with (PVP in WoW) that I always have a hard time with. You know, the kind where you groan when you see them in your game queue? Well every time they're in game I always thought they hated me. I found out from them last night that not only do they not hate me, but they have respect for me and ENJOY fighting against me because they know I'm good. This is what THEY say to me, without any pre-empting from me. In other words
I didn’t ask for the compliment, it was given without need to be given. That makes me feel good.

I suck at fighting. I’m sooooooooo highly competitive. My fingers get like ice blocks and my face gets all hot when I pvp…. And that’s in a good match. GOD FORBID it be a bad match. During PVP is one of the few times I cannot control my mouth and I spill forth curses openly and loudly . It’s a nasty habit of mine and when I do it, I always want to never pvp again if only to avoid looking like a. a sore loser or b. a potty mouth. I work everyday to get that under control.
***************************************************************************
Today is payday and it can’t come any quicker. I think I drove to work on fumes today . I need food in my house, gas in my car (immediately) and a whole host of bills paid lol.

I’m sooo tired today. I have started Book 4 of the Harry Potter series. And I stayed up until 1:30 to read some of it. It’s the first book in the series that I haven’t seen a movie for already. I’m looking forward to reading this before the movie comes out and then catching up with the rest of the world and reading through the new book.

Well not much else for now. Cronie is in the office now, and while I’ve no doubt she’s busy (it IS payday after all) she does seem to enjoy singling me out for thing. I suppose I shouldn’t give her anything to single me out for eh?

Random Poetry coming atcha...
I'm tired I can't write poetry now :P

Monday's suck, DONT SNORT WASABI lol

Monday blah blah blah

Ok so I was reading someone’s blog today and I had to stifle laughter… They made mention of a friend who snorted wasabi lol… I just think that’s funny as hell! I actually had to cover my mouth because I laughed so hard. Who the HELL would snort ANYTHING let alone wasabi!?!? Lol

Ok ok I know, get it under control. So this week is going to be a short week. This weekend was supposed to be musecon but it was cancelled. It’s a good thing really, because I don’t have money again. Lol Here we go again…

It kind of sucks because I wish I had some money to make my little vacation fun. I would buy avocados (yes avocados) and I would treat myself to a sushi dinner one night. It may sound strange but I’ve been enjoying being offline and reading (yes, you read right) R E A D I N G. I used to do it all the time. It’s taken a bit, but it seems with a good four hours or so, I can finish an entire book. I’ve read a new Dean Koontz book, (Thank you Corwin!) and two of the 6 Harry Potter books (again thank you corwin!). He bought me both of those… (the 6 set of Harry potter! As WELL as the dean koontz book). So I finished book two of the Harry potter series this weekend. It will be nice to start reading a book that I haven’t seen the movie for already. Not that they aren’t good mind you, but it will be nice to not know what’s coming up.

Ooh I’ve also started enjoying sleeping on my couch on the weekend’s lol. I never even go to my room on the weekend anymore, well sometimes. My couch has these great recliners at each end. They literally go so flat you’d think you were in bed, except for the lumpy pillows of course. I mean it’s only natural right? I get dressed in that room too so why not?

I have to start considering other places to live… I have to move by July 1 of 2006. You may think it’s far off, but finding a place, getting approved, etc takes time. So I’m starting now. Believe it or not, I got a call from a company in Tennessee. We’ll see what happens with that, but if I get an offer and I can’t refuse it, I guess I STILL could be moving there. Tennessee is close enough to home that I could drive back if needed, but far enough away to be new.

Ill add more later, my boss is out of town and while you think that would be a good thing, her cronies are practically dive bombing me to check my pc and see what I’m doing lol…

Tuesday and I'm still tired...

I'm tired all the time. Granted last night I went to bed at 12:30am or so, but still yesterday I slept in until 12:30pm. I dont know where I read it but somewhere I read an article about skin cancer. There's three types. I only knew of one... Apparently there are two less deadly skin cancers. I forget their names, but I'm sure if you're really that interested you can google it. However as I was reading about one type I absentmindedly scratched my arm as I've been doing for over a month now. I kept reading about this type of skin cancer that shows up in pink dots or dot on your arm that itch. Then I look down and see I've been scratching a pink dot for a long time now, and I have a few more.

hmmm


I still dont have insurance so I guess I'll never know (unless I die from it, which as I understand it isn't likely? Or maybe I just hope that)

Damn, even Blogs can't escape SPAM

So I get all excited because someone posted a reply to my blog... and then I see this:

Anonymous said...
If you are alone, call this number 800-211-9293. Connect with Real Singles from your local area instantly for only $0.99/min with a $4.99 connection fee. A true Match is only one phone call away 800-211-9293. Meet people with common interests and desires now. Check it out. 800-211-9293
8-11-2005; 9:16 AM

What the hell is that?!?!?! God, advertising companies are such leeches, praying on people and sucking everything that has any potential to be good and healthy (writing in a journal for example) and turning it into a means to make money. Damn we as a people are lost... so lost.

Random Poetry comin atcha!
For $.99 a line you can read my random poem
For only $.50 each additional line
you can think that you feel better having read it
No contracts! No monthly commit! Let us tell you how much you're missing!
Just sell us your soul...
We're sure you wont regret it.

Two posts in a day... *WARNING RANT*

Well apparently I have not lost the ability to upset people at work. Though their reason for upset if you ask me is retarded but hey why not add the people I work with, to the list of growing people that seem to be upset with me.

So when they order lunch they ask if everyone wants some. Most times they'll pay for each other's lunches en mass. Well I can't do that financially, and I've done it a few times already. The few times I've asked what people wanted I've had to use my debit card and even if they pay me I have to then stop at the bank to depsoit the money. Well today I ordered chinese for lunch. A small lunch really, but I had ordered for dinner too. First, everyone was on the phone when I ordered. Second I've just looked at my budget and probably shouldn't have ordered out anyway, and third, everytime I order for delivery (I dont know the area well enough to go traipsing around on my own) I always get yelled at by Pat who thinks delivery is a waste of money. So I placed my order for delivery alone. Well when the order came every one just stared at me. To me, being looked at, at ALL is frightening let alone having people STARE at you and the bag in your hands. There were a few comments made and I played it off lightly about delivery yada yada yada. Everyone went about their business but then whispers started. I mean come on are we in fucking high school? You going to be that pissed over a stupid lunch? Do I have to divulge my financial information to you to justify this? And it's not like I haven't ever asked anyone before if they wanted something so dont think i'm a total bitch.

So then I go ask my boss if people are upset with me, ( you know you can feel it when people are) and she says "well they're not mad, but we're all lazy ehre and if you were getting delivery you may have wanted to ask." to which I said about my credit card to which she said "well he could have done two bills". I guess i just can't win for fucking trying. And now I get the cold shoulder from people.

These are the same people that sit and eat lunch together, bring lunch for each other, (they're practically all family) and talk of how well their kids are doing, and how their businesses are... I've never fit in here, and I knew that even when I started here (a short month and a half ago). So fine, I'll eat at my desk and read during lunches. I've dealt with cliques in high school I suppose I can deal with them now. Funny that even as an adult I still suffer the same misery I did in high school


This is the kind of shit that makes me wish I were insane so I could live somewhere where NO ONE expects anything of me. I know it's small and I realize you probably think I'm being retarded to but you know what? this is just one thing in the ever increasing pile of shit i get every day.

Yay for me



Random poetry
...

Today's Affirmation

From the Gifts of Goddess - Goddess Cards

Affirmation: I earn my living doing what I love

Note: Use this gift when you fell unfulfilled by your present manner of employment. You created your present work situation and you can create a better one too. Take on work that urtures your mind, body and spirit and that of others. Whatever you do for a living, you can use your creativity to do it. Make your life a work of art and your art a work of life.


Well that's simple isn't it? I guess it would be easy if I had ANY idea what makes me happy. I used to think it was offering peace and love online, and perhaps it still is in part. Then I thought it was owning my own business and for a time it was that. Then I thought it was web design (which I still love creatively). I thought it was poetry and writing for a time too. Sound familiar? Sounds to me like the "I wanna be a (insert job title here) when I grow up" syndrome. The problem is in some part I love all of the things I listed above. I liked the freedom of owning my own business. I like the creativity of writing, I love the joy that seeing people happy gives me, I love the artistic flair that web design sparks in me. But when you make those things your living instead of your art, then they become a job.

I dont want them to be a "job".

More importantly too, everyday my online eyes continue to be opened. Everyday I find people that hide behind the anonymity of the online world and use it as their sheild for their lies. I had faith in people, now I am unsure. I mean whatever happened to being responsible for your words, actions, deeds? Doesn't that make us better? Doesnt that help us strive to be better? I mean I'm no saint for sure, and I do not proclaim to be, nor do I look down my nose at online people... heck I'm ONE of them. But I do not lie. I try VERY hard to not hurt people and I try VERY hard to not lie. Are we as a whole so afraid of rejection, hurt, stereotypes, etc that we would lie to those we call friends? Even after knowing one another for years?

Why bother reaching out to people if all you reach out with is a holographic hand... meaning; if you're not going to be real, then why ask for it in return?

Random Poetry comin atcha!
"Wake up" the voice whspers
"Is my time done?" I wonder
rattling against the cage of the clock
my heart races
in the face of truth revealed
tick tock
time stands still in revelation
even as life goes on
"Wake up" incessantly tapping at the window to my soul
but my life has already passed me by...
while I lived in a lie.
©SKW

So help me out here...

The little paranoia demon is at work again inside me.

Let me attempt to explain this scenario to you.

You have friend x, who's a new friend, very nice very open with you. You also have friend y, same deal. Friend z comes along and is nice too but you hear from friend y, that frined z is taking about you. Then through more discussion and the revealing of this friend z to be talking about you as true, you discover that friend x, is using you...and has been from the start.

So up to this moment you have friend y who has been the only one to be honest with you in the long run. But what if they want something too? Or worse yet, what if it's just a huge plot for all three of the friends to break my spirit.

That's how I feel today. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Folks I've come to know online some for years... Well there are a few that I trust implicitly... i can think of like 5 off the top of my head. well more like 3-4.

But does everyone want something? I mean this person wants one thing, this one another... and in the end I'm still left alone, and wondering if I even have friends. This on top of the fact that I wish I had a partner.

I swear the more I feel like this the more I just want to die... Close up, close off, tune out. When I feel like this I just want to hide and not trust anyone.

Not only that but some people I've known for years have opinions of me. I know, everyone will have an opinion. But some of them think .. I dont know I'm not making sense

I just can't verbalize it all. But here I am at work typin in my blog because it bothered me enough today that I had to write it down.

Random Poetry
*sigh* i have none.... again

Corporate America Sucks...

So my insurance was denied. Not, a higher premium, just denied. That sucks. Really bad. I literally was throwing a lot of money at this insurance company, and they denied me. What are my choices? Well try to find another insurance company who is so widely used like this one was so I wont have a problem finding a set of doctors, or find another job, that makes equal pay to what I make now BUT has insurance too.

*sigh*


At least it's Friday right?

Random Poetry (Haiku)

cherry blossoms sweet
ripened youth, sweet perfection
spring's fresh winds are change

I just want it noted

that I officially give up. Those of you that know what's going on, you can think what you want, but I dont need a nymore examples of how fucked up this place is... this world, people etc. So I give up. Tonight and everynight I'll learn slowly even as I cry to just live with only the things I have even if they're not what I want because I just dont fucking care anymore and as someone told me through their own words, it's obvious people dont give a shit, so I'll shut up with my "Bitching and moaning".


Random poetry
I have none.

...

Voici mon secret. Il est tres simple. on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux. (It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye.) ~Antoine Saint De Exupery; The Little Prince

Douleur heureuse

I dont think if I tried I could find words enough to express the depths of my anguish today.

Random poetry

It's not quite like a hand, but more like a vise
squeezing the flesh as it beats,
reminding me of my place
crystal blue rivers scalding my skin
race the trail that began in my heart
curious the noise all around me
until i realized it's source
the lost soul weary of the things it's seen
without hope for the things yet to be...
cries silently in my ear.
not quite bliss
more like blissful hell
somethings never change
©SKW

Philosophy 101

I always feel when I come here to write, that I get too philosophical. But I guess that's what this is for right?

Oh before I forget, hot off the press! http://utopiaskye.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=1799 (if you can't see it there, then go here: http://allpoetry.com/Poem/1325272_)

Anyway, yesterday marked one full year since Jessie passed away. I think while yesterday was hard onme, I was sick also so with the achyness associated with a bad cold, I didn't really feel much else except sad. Sunday however, I did feel it... very much so. I had recently reactivated my account in Star Wars Galaxies and I went to where USC (Utopia Skye City) used to be. It's funny how much a game can have an impact on your thoughts, memories, etc. Well USC is now a ghost town, but there are a few houses scattered throughout. Kami's house, Fools' house, Mel's house, Shaun's house to name a few... but the one that stood out the most was Jessie's house. It still stands. Last year on the 13th of June, Tony myself and one other went to her house and put in enough money so that (barrng a server wipe) it would remain, and I was shocked that it still stood.

So I know it sounds very strange but standing on the stoop of that pixelated house, I started to cry. I sat staring at my computer for a few seconds before I could enter. Then when I did I visited each of the rooms (there are only two) but in one her robe stood... After she died I had these robes made in game, that when you hover over them say her quote "I've yet to encounter anything more important than friends". I had forgotten I put it in there.

An online friend just stood with me. Again I know surreal because we just stood there and at my desk in real life I cried. Jessie was much more than pixels to me. BECAUSE of Jessie, I believe that love that is inherent to your SOUL can be had without having to meet someone. Any thoughts differently might sound like the question of faith "Do you have to see an angel to know they exist?" Anyway, I stayed in her house for a little bit and I tried really hard to search myself for the strength that this one woman possessed.

Her strength was of the kind that comes from a beautiful soul. I know we tend to glorify people especially if they've passed, but even when she was alive she was a testament to strength. God, I fail so much at trying to be strong. I look back on a lot of my previous posts and while they are not delusional rants, I just wish that I had Jessie's strength to do the things I need to do for myself.

As much as I understand of things, I know nothing...

ahhh it seems i've derailed my own post. *sigh* The point is... sometimes we are given "Vision", clear eyesight at which for a precious few seconds we can see what things are "really" about... REALLY about... it's like seeing love as a tangible, literally like a golden thread that is there for us to weave into our lives if only we choose to take it. And when we do... it's like perfection. Too soon life blinds us, boxing us into the dimensions of what someone else's perceptions of how things should be.

I am lucky for even been given that vision. I still hold it clutched in my fist pressing it against my heart fighting sometimes to remove the blinders. It's hard without Jessie, she made it easy for me to have that vision because of her unconditional love of me. So I just try.

So today I'll breathe deeply, and at least just once today I will share love with someone else somehow. *hugs*

real life sucks

Everyone tells us to worry about the folks online and granted we should be careful with our private information being so widely shared… but… what about those in real life that lie just as much?

See these people are worse in my opinion. They tell you one thing and some of them are such masters of disguise that they can even hide their intention from the eyes… (the windows to the soul in most cases). Then when you think one thing… you get another.

We live in a world that just doesn’t care sometimes if things don’t fit perfectly in our own vision. And if the only place I can be loved and real is online then so be it. Then I turn my back on the real world and it’s snakes, liars and thieves.

And damn all you real life people that judge by sight, goddamn you for even existing because you judge ME based on YOUR fears. You know what I say to you? Piss off. And damn me too because I can’t seem to let those that judge me go…
(Purposely edited to remove anything that people could misconstrue as something other than pure loneliness)

oh yea!

Google

So i think it works... my alienware that is... we'll see

i lost

to geography

nuff said

Choice

One of the freedoms we are given is the ability to choose. In everything we do we make choices. I too make them and I make bad ones too. All my life I've judged people in a certain situation (edited obviously for privacy). I always thought, how could you do that. I sat on my high and mighty morals and looked down saying "I would never do that".

Well it seems I've gotten a clearer perspective on how people may literally "Fall" into the environment of which I used to judge. I can no longer look down my nose at those people. I can only look back at those staring at me now and hang my head too, for I know I've done wrong.

The problem is... I'm weak as well. My psyche has been battered about for about 4 years and it's been a constant barrage of things. Job losses, Marriage loss, emotional instability. All these things contribute. And now I am alone.

I'm alone even though I'm surrounded by literally hundreds of people daily. messed up eh?

I've let myself get backed into a corner and i'm too weak to crawl out now. Everyday I gain some strength, some nerve and hopefully soon before I go totally insane I will do the one thing I need to do to cut deadweight from me that wraps itself in the disguise of l***. (again edited)

You can't say one thing and do another... You can't do one thing and expect another that you do something else with to just sit idly by. not for this long.

For Now I still have a choice, and I choose not to exert it. I've sufficiently damned myself to an existence that goes against my morals (in my opinion), and although it has the potential to be something so beautiful, will still like the elusive rare flower be among shadows and hidden.

Yea so that shit sucks hard core.

Love

*NOTE: AHA!!!!! The DSL tried to screw me yet again! But Thanks to Kyle and a little bit of morning coffee to clear away the cobwebs, the post and the random poetry and words were saved! muuaahaahh. Tak THAT you stinking DSL!


LOVE
by Roy Croft
I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good,
And more than any fate
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
...after all.

Waiting, hoping, crying, praying, wishing, living for the day that I can say these words to someone.



Random Poetry...

Mechanical heart full of bolts and screws
always consistent, beating rhythmically
Beating because it can
but waiting to beat the extra beat
of difference, of life
oil the casing, keep the parts in tune
dont let it rust or perhaps
the battery will wear out.
and it will die
©SKW

Dammit all to....

I had a whole poem going in my mind that i was going to write but after 50,000 attempts to log into my freaking blog (49,999 of which were unsuccessful) I've forgotten the poem.

Bleh


Random poetry (just a scrap of what i had in mind)

Ice water daggers touch my face
crystal coolness refreshing, revitalizing
my tired eyes feel the burn of dreams calling
even as awake I work
still lost in the depths of simplistic peace
but somehow working in the dreariness of the day

*Warning* Rant complete with cursing inside....

I sit here today at my desk so empty. I cleaned it out yesterday after yesterday’s events. I wish to god I had money because I would have quit yesterday. I would have walked out right then and there. I mean I’m hanging onto this job because they helped me get my apartment and they helped me sell my house, but it is THEY who now micro manage me and call it business. I mean in one breath they tell me how much they respect, trust and have faith in me. Then in the next breath they’re telling me I have to keep track of everything I do and how long it took, etc etc etc. I make $12/hour for Christ’s sake, could you cut me a little slack here? Then to see emails being sent around that the reason an appointment didn’t get set is because they were wanting on me to print the paperwork?!??! The documents hadn’t even been approved. Oh wait is that my job too? Approve documents, track their appointments, make sure all their paperwork is filled out because they’re lazy fucks, answer their phones, do their audits and listen while they yell because they’ve been sitting for so long cuz I’m buried, make their telemarketing calls because they have a god complex, do their implementation and take them blame when shit goes wrong because they didn’t care to provide me information and their contacts are just as bad and oh yes, can’t forget the most important one… Make the coffee in the morning. They track internet usage now, so I can’t even surf Utopia Skye which is one of the only three places I went on the internet. I could get in trouble fr posting this even but it couldn’t wait. I went home yesterday in the midst of another panic attack heart racing can’t breathe AGAIN. And you know when it started? When I got in the office. This has to change. I am sure that if I wasn’t seeking an increase in pay I could find better work that didn’t send me to my grave. This is just degrading and disgusting.. All this for $12 an hour???????

Beyond that my mother is worried for me as are a few of my friends…. At least those I’ve let in on the goings on in my life. I won’t post them here being a public forum.

I hate my job, and I’m not seeing too much else today worth anything in my life.


Random poetry...

With ear splitting noise the glass castle shatters
Still shackled to reality the little girl inside cries in her stone prison
Outside the reality called fiction crumbles away
Revealing a bleak world
With sense enough to think "what happened?"
She cries deeper sorrows for her life
Tears falling upon cold stone
While unguarded by the glass castle
Madness seeps in…
©SKW

There's more than one answer to these questions...

I love that Indigo Girls song:

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine...

What an awesome song. I've not been a big indigo girls fan, but that song in particular struck me... always has.

So today I go to my car and note that it's freezing cold. Did you hear me? *I* was cold. that's almost unheard of. Takes me forever to warm up. I think just before I turned into the parking lot I started to warm up. I get out of my car and close the door.... And slide perfectly doing a semi half split landing on my right knee when my body realizes it can't do the splits anymore. My knee hurts so bad. It's my right knee and it is just burning right now cuz I cut the skin badly. Did I mention that yesterday I cut my left knee on my drawer at work? *sigh*

Pretty much sums up how I feel. Yesterday was good. I looked good, work even went good. I got home, got in game and it went to shit quickly. Too bad I can't say why, since this is a public place. But suffice to say that aside from game drama, the reality of my life is that the only three men in my life... all have issues that pretty much removes them from being contendors in this race we call relationships. If there was one change in one of them, perhaps it could work. But it's either not important to him, or important but not important enough to overcome fear (I hope it's just this and not contentedness, because that just would make me feel like @$#%@#!). One I think is just a lost cause (I say think because he doesn't even seem to want to learn after my telling him directly about communication and it's importance to me). I mean he can't even call me! *laughs sarcastically* and THAT'S the local one. Figures... YAY go me. And the other well there are just so many incompatibilities. It would take a *lot* of work I think to come to middle ground (not that he's not willing to see my point of view, as far as that goes he's very open, but I dont think I can handle some of the things he has going on).

So, here I am back to square one. Afraid to go anywhere because that means being away from my computer for very long, tied to the computer which has no love for me, surrounded by "friends" who love me (and I love them too) but no one here with me (And I mean not even a local friend who plays online. Someone I could just go and hang with who understands the importance of my online life to me. All my real life friends except for one wonderful woman and her family, dont get this online life of mine. So when they want to see me they want me away from the computer and they want hours with me. I mean what could we possibly talk about for hours ??? I can't think of anything. Not to mention the fact that before when we did talk for hours, we were under the influence and I dont want that anymore). Now beyond a friend, I want someone I can hug. Someone who might have an interest in me, even if just budding, that maybe I could feel special with. You know, I know I seem to obsess on this, but god dammit i *DESERVE* to be loved. I suffered 10 years in a marriage destined to go nowhere and before all the major problems surfaced that caused me to turn inward, I was devoted, caring etc. Ask anyone... Now since then and during the end of that, I did it right. I held to my vows, never straying, while he had his girlfriend and got EVERYTHING i wanted, love, a good paying job (which i might add he NEVER had while we were married, it was alwyas up to me AND I delivered). Then just after all that I get fortunate enough to meet two who think they may have it in their hearts to be with me and actually come to meet me. I dont know what happened there, but they're not here, and these are folks I got along with REALLY REALLY well. I mean one of them we used to send 5-8 emails back and forth a day. We had so much in common. The other, we talked for hours, sometimes even sleeping on the phone together because we just didn't want to hang up. That's not just idle passion or online temporary love, you know? But it wasn't enough I guess. Now i have these three and well I've just listed their issues above.

And I'm not getting any younger.

I think secretly I hoped that someone would work with me so that I felt it was ok to go beyond my past and have kids. I think that perhaps those that say I would be a good mother are right. If I can get past this shit that keeps me down (whether my own or some other issue) then yes, I think I could be... and NO i do not hear a biological clock ticking. But I do realize more so now than ever, that I'm not invincible and life isn't forever. I think as teens and 20 somethings you dont think that it could end. Or if it did it just seems so unlikely "yours" could end. In my opinion anyway. But the minute I hit 30, I realized and could see what had happened to me, what I had done, how quickly time passes me, and was able to have a little better vision of what i want.

I dont want the knight on the white horse, I want a partner, a friend, a lover. That's it. I'm not looking for riches, but security. Not fantasy but a pleasant reality where it's not a struggle to get out of bed everyday.

And lest you all think I'm some desperate freak I'll leave it at that.


Random poetry...
When we were a simple vision
a gleam in someone's eye
the whispers start
"You're beautiful, special, wondrous"
How quickly then into the harsh world
we learn that that voice of love is just a voice
life with it's callous hands holds our soft flesh
trying to mimic a hug of love
but offering sandpaper reality
grinding away at the beauty of truth
offering blinders to ease our sight
sight, that it took away
lifetimes spent seeking that voice
that whisper of beauty
that treasure hidden deep
...but I dont have a map
and i'm tired
I think i'll lie down and sleep
for the rest of my life...
©SKW