Mr. Horny gets a wake up call :P

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
~Uknown

No, the above is not some kind of sexist statement.  Believe it or not it was chosen to be the funny quote of the day, but after reading it (while awake this time) and thinking of some things going on I felt it was appropriate enough to be the opening quote of the day.

I read a WONDERFUL post on a blog just the other day.  Oh, you didn’t know about my newly founded blog addiction?  Yup I am HOOKED!  This is like reality reading instead of reality TV!  I try to post in the blogs I read and I’ve subscribed to bloglines (THANK YOU KYLE AND DANA!) so I can keep tabs on ALL the fabulous blogs I’ve been reading :P (And yes there are quite a few blogs I’m subscribed to)

But I am derailing my own blog *gasp*.  Ok ok back to the topic.

Here’s the link to the blog in question:
http://nondatinglife.blogspot.com/   It’s the entry from March 7th called “So I was going through his mail…”

I suppose this is a bit of a rant and it may get long winded.  You have my permission to not read this if you do not wish to but I wish you would :P.  

I’ve been in a relationship with no trust.  I know what the above blog’s emotions bring.  It is for this reason that communication and trust are paramount to me in ANY relationship, off line or on line.  It’s even more important online where you do not have the benefit of sight.  

For example take the basics of the above blog post…If you read his mail (even if it’s simply there and open for you), you do not trust him.  The same is true of your words.  If you tell someone else that there may be something there between you and them, then the person you ARE with already does NOT have your heart.  There is no if and or but about it.  

What is it about people’s egos, thoughts, ideas, or whatever that gives them the right to make a choice easier by making it harder on the people they’re choosing between?  I mean, if you’re not sure about person A, for whatever reason then don’t tell person B to stick around because you might have a change in your life.  That gives person B hope and online hope is far more horrible a thing to experience.  Make your decision about person A, focusing your energies on person a until you DO make the decision, especially if you think there are feelings of love (whether real or not and that’s a whole other debate).  

It’s ok to let person B go from the relationship thread where they currently hang dangling waiting on you, while you focus on your EXISTING relationship.  If things are to work with person B, then THEY WILL.  You do not SHOULD NOT have to force it.  

MAKE A DECISION you fence sitters, this isn’t the Jerry Springer show, it’s a reality show called REAL LIFE… Live it!

/rant off on relationships

*****
Now I’m onto another rant.  Why is it that we hurt people so much?

Why is it that when we get married and say “I do” when talking about sharing other’s heart and soul that when that marriage goes away we say “I don’t” and go about scheming to think of ways to hurt the ones we just shared our soul with?

We all know I’m no stranger to divorce and yea I’ve been pretty vicious in my hurt and anger with my words sometimes.  But neither myself or Mr. Ex EVER did anything to each other during the split that would cause the other pain other than the pain of course we already felt.  Sure Mr. Ex made mistakes in our marriage, so did I, though far less grievous mistakes, we both nonetheless made mistakes.  I hold Mr. Ex responsible for his mistakes and myself responsible for my own.  I’ve hopefully learned from them and will use those going forward.

But that’s not the point.  The point is that people who are hurt and sad will always lash out at someone.  I’ve seen countless divorces where the husband uses the kids as leverage.  Or the couple spends thousands LITERALLY in court costs dividing up property publicly because they’re going to take their toys back since they’re not sharing anymore.

Isn’t it enough that the relationship itself was lost?  Focus on what’s important.  If things don’t work out then fine, work out your demons, move on and look back choosing to see the lesson learned.  Isn’t that what all of life is about?  Why does it not apply in matters of the heart?

I found myself telling a friend of mine on Friday to be careful of her actions because I just knew that her soon to be ex would use her actions against her (even painting a story of actions that don’t exist of her just to get back at her).  I felt awful having to even say it to her.  But it had to be said.  

I get that the world is not fair, people are mean, and life goes on…  I just wish that maybe we could look at the big picture sometimes and really realize that even the bad things can be good things and can help you grow if you look at them right.  Additionally I just wish that people would treat each other well especially those who we once upon a time loved…

*****
Well I don’t have any funny snippets of email from responders to my ad.  I mean I barely have any responses.  Lol  What I do find funny though is that of the now 10 people who’ve responded, 5 of them have been older than me.  I mean like 10-16 years older than me.  It seems that my ad speaks to men who no longer think with their small head…

I say that not as a joke but truly.  The other 5 people I’ve communicated with have produced two that I would consider going on a date with.  Would have in the past that is.  The first one is someone who I would welcome as a friend into my life, but he’s stopped chatting with me lol  The second one I actually had a small measure of hope on..  Until he said: “I wish you were a wild woman”.  “Oh”, I said “How do you mean?”.  Of course I knew what he meant but I wanted him to say it and see just how shallow he was.  His response:  “oh you know that you were a nympho”.  Well to quote some movie (if you remember post a comment and remind me of the movie title), “I can wear a cone shaped bra and act like Madonna, but it doesn’t mean I’m Madonna.  In other words just because I placed a personal ad does NOT mean I’m a SLUT!  Apparently somewhere this notion was stamped on to the online personal ad scene, that anyone that does place one must be looking for sex.  

What kind of person says that to someone who they’ve just talked to ONCE before?  I mean I know people I’ve talked to for three years that I wouldn’t say that too lol.

There is more to life than the almighty (let me remind you TWO SECOND) orgasm.  If you HAVE to experience that often enough to get it out of your system you have MY PERMISSION to take care of yourself whenever as often as you like!  But don’t put your problems on me! lol

The BEST part about this, is that my ad can’t be written more clearly.  I mean you’re talking to someone who BREATHES communication right?  Here let me give you some snippets of my ad.  

My opening Line: What I’m seeking: I am seeking someone who can type, spell, and speak fluent English.
See why the personal ad in my recent post is hilarious now?  

My second to last paragraph after I’ve gone through a HUGE paragraph explaining my likes and dislikes and what makes me tick.  Additional helpful hints: I’m a modern woman, with old fashioned values and even some old fashioned expectations. I AM NOT SEEKING SEX. I am open to relationships and all that a relationship entails, but you must learn and share in my heart before you’ll come close to touching my body

WHOA I’m thinking the obvious has been overlooked by Mr. Horny.  Oh well sad as it is that my hopes are dashed, life moves on and so do I without Mr. Horny.  Ah well better luck next time.  

Know any good men looking for a good woman? Lol I’m taking applications: D

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OMG three pages and I’ve not even done the well wishes for the day yet *GASP*.  Are you all still there?  Do you need drool clothes to wipe the drool from sleeping off your chins?  :D

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WELL WISHES (In no particular order, though those that give me gifts MIGHT get brownie points j/k ;))

For Al: For continuing to stay in my life and share yesterday in some great happiness. I’m so proud you’ve moved on your own again.  I send you LOTS of love and strength today for the times when you need it the most.  You are so special to me  *hug*

For Kami: I missed you this weekend *frown*, but I hope you had a good weekend and today because I didn’t see you I send you a triple dose of muse dust and love *smile*

For Dana: Keep the blogs coming, I love reading yours!  Today I send you love, peace, and rest. I know you can always do with more rest ;) I want to go out with you this week or weekend if possible!

For Beth:  I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU.  Remember that, especially when things get harder for you and they will, with what you’re going through.  I’m here for you and as such I send you support today along with thoughts of beauty, because you ARE beautiful.

For Aussie_Male:  Many thanks for being there for me through my nightmares this weekend (To the rest of you, I withheld that because the damn blog was so long with my rants :P).  It was nice to have someone to talk to when I needed it.  Everyday you remind me what friendship is and I need those reminders.  I send you hugs and friendship today.

For Mr. Quiet Strength: Congratulations on catching up with the world and creating a blog!  I look forward to reading it as often as you post in it!  Today, I send you faith and courage because I know it takes both to post your information for the world to see *smile*

For My Mom:  XO

For Mr. Serenader:  I send you peace today.  May your headaches and sleeplessness go away soon.

*****

And remember!
"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."

My dentist gave me a vibrator! o_O

Well now that I have your attention :P

I’m tired today *bleh*.  I decided late last night to start the project of cleaning off my old machine and getting it ready for my mom’s DSL.  The problem is I must be an absolute IDIOT when it comes to networking.  I even called a friend to help me.  I know I’m not completely inept here… I mean I do a fair good job, even if it is damage that I do, it’s something :P  But for the life of me *I* couldn’t figure it out and neither could Mr. Serenader.  That’s bad… Mr. Serenader does this for a living.  I didn’t realize I was scared until he couldn’t figure it out.  

So then at this point it’s after midnight, and I have to be up early but I thought what the hell I’ll try once more.  Wouldn’t you know it, IT WORKED.  This has forever been the problem with my network.  The 3 maybe 4 times I’ve had to connect my pc’s to each other, the only way I’ve succeeded is by luck.  I did the EXACT same things that Mr. Serenader and I did together but somehow it worked.  Maybe the Computer God up in the Matrix took pity on me.  Either that or he knew I would be hella pissed if I didn’t figure it out and well you know “Hell hath no fury like a woman…” wait, wrong quote: P  Well I’m tired :P

Anyway after magically performing a miracle, I then started the process of copying files over from the old machine to the new.  I wont bore you with the mundane details of this, but it was well… boring lol.  Then I had to move things around.  All in all it took a total of 3+ hours to do it all and get this machine ready for my mother.  You HAVE to know that just by this dedication alone should tell you just how much I do not wish to be there Saturday for any more time than is ABSOLUTELY necessary.

This brings me to my next point.  Being at my mothers… I love my mom, don’t get me wrong.  Sure we may fight like cats and dogs, but she’s my mother.  Without her I would be nothing.  But DAMN if I can’t stand her smoking!  Being there is an assault on my health, my senses, and it just makes me ill.  I’m hoping that my efforts last night will make it so easy to install her DSL and move stuff that I only have to be there an hour or so.

I still after that, have to come home and back up MY pc’s and do my taxes *bleh*.  

*****

Interesting enough when I was moving the archives from yahoo messenger (yes I save ALL messages folks).  I came across some very interesting ones.  Some very funny ones even, and some VERY touching ones.  I saw all the yahoo messages I used to send to my entire yahoo list when I said goodnight to over 200 people each night.  I saw the jokes I shared with people or just the crazy moments we had goofing off in yahoo or yahoo draw or whatever.  I also saw the last message I got from Jessee.  It was received 6-9-04, four days before she passed and it was simply… a hug.  

That single message made me literally stop what I was doing and just stare for a moment.  Sometimes we’re struck with meaning so profound that our mind can’t seem to grasp it.  Elusive like the end of the rainbow may be, meaning and purpose behind some simple icons continues to elude me at times, but it ALWAYS moves me.

I was determined to save every single one of the archived messages I had.  These included messages from friends past, friends who are no longer friends, people who’ve moved on in life etc.  I cherish every one of them.  Painful, sad, happy, or just sentimental, they are a part of who I am, what I’ve experienced and until I can no longer save them… I will cherish them.

*****
Oh yes, I promised you all a “SEXPERIENCE” post didn’t I?  lol.  Well last night for some unknown reason (before my escapade on the pc networking trip to hell), I went on air.  Soon enough after some time, folks tuned in.  It was great.  I had a few new listeners and a few returning listeners.  Being on air last night reminded me of the fun that can be had when you just have FUN.  Throughout the course of the night we had a few random songs played (Yea, Crazy’s coming out! Lol) and a few ones sung.  “I love myself….” Heh.  It was great.

Then at some point when I realized I hadn’t eaten, I tried to open a jar of pickles.  I was live.  The series of grunts and straining noises that I made were enough to have my yahoo freaking out from people “OMG what ARE you doing!?”.  What do you think I’m doing dear?  I’m trying to get fulfillment…in hunger :P  The funniest bit was of course the releasing sigh when the lid finally came undone and the resulting pleasant moaning as I massaged my nearly broken hand.  Damn those food companies for putting lids on so tight!

I’m glad you all enjoyed my sexperience with pickles.  I’m always happy to be of…service ;)

*****
Oh you want to know about the dentist who gave me a vibrator eh?  Well trust me it’s nothing as sexy as you may think.  But when I went to the dentist for the first time in some time for a cleaning a few weeks back, they recommended I use an electronic toothbrush.  I love my dentist but I’m sure the spiffs he gets for selling those toothbrushes far outweigh the total advantage of me having an electric toothbrush.  Lol.  Anyway I get the toothbrush home and figure out how to put the batteries in with no problem.  Mr. Uber and I are having a conversation on the phone when all of a sudden as I’m trying to replace the cap for the batteries, I pressed the on knob (It really is like a knob lol not like a switch) and OMG the toothbrush came to life.  Mr. Uber was like “Do you uh need me to let you go so you can…” and here words failed even him.  Mr. Uber the king of perversion as he is affectionately named by many who know him, thought I needed some private time to… get acquainted with myself lol.  

I thought that was hilarious and every morning bleary eyed as I hit the KNOB to practice the fine art of teeth brushing, I can’t help but chuckle about my dentist approved vibrating electric toothbrush!  

*****
I’ve promised to post some of the funny responses I get to my ad.  I had debated about that feeling bad because believe it or not it is hard to reach out to a total stranger and bare your soul in one email just hoping to get a foot in the door.  I’m totally sympathetic to that, and I thought how would I Feel if I saw *MY* email even devoid of personal information posted on someone’s blog as a horrible response to an ad?  Well I would feel awful.  In light of that, I am going to break my promise and not post those responses.  I will however as I see fit take snippets or lines from the worst of them and post them as a guide for anyone utilizing online ads as to what *NOT* to say.

*****
No work rant today even though both crony and s were here RIGHT after I got here *sigh*.  No fun Friday for me ;)  Must get back to my filing now.  I figure if I file a letter of the alphabet at a time, I might even be able to look busy all day! WOOHOO!  Go me!

*****
Random Poetry
Yea, so I had one but it sucked so bad I burned it :P


*****
WELL WISHES! I’m glad you like this section *smile*

Today I do not single anyone out, I just send out mass doses of hugs, love, muse dust, or whatever you need to feel happy, healthy, sane, and creative.  

And remember:

I'm real easy to live with once you lesser people learn to worship me.
by Rhianna
(I like this girl, she knows my motto!!)

Who wants a quickie?! O_o (I DO I DO!!!!)

I was born on the cusp… For those non astrologists like yours truly, that means I have two signs. (and means I’m more screwed up than most :P). But here today are my signs…


Libra Horrorscope today!
Quickie:
Your ability to appreciate the smaller things in life will help you avoid conflict.
Overview:
You don't miss a trick. In fact, you may have the opposite problem -- you're focused on so many different offers that you're dispersing your efforts too widely. Learn to be choosy -- and concentrate.

*****

Virgo Horrorscope today!
Quickie:
Put yourself in charge of getting things done today. Organize your dream team.
Overview:
Are you running hot and cold? No wonder the people around you are thoroughly confused. It's time to get serious about your choices and how they affect the situation. Get centered about what counts.

Dream with Me....

(whisper) Dream with me…

I have a dream to share with you
One that I know will be true
It’s a story developing as you’ll see
The story of love and you and me

It begins with a smile and a sweet soft laugh
And continues with sharing of our days passed
Learning who you and I will be
Because a friendship has begun for all to see

(chorus)
Yea, I wish you could see inside my heart
Cuz, there that’s where our story starts,
Here where our love will never end
That’s where we live my friend

When I think of all life’s possibilities
I see hope even more because you’re with me
The tears may come and freely fall
But with you in my life I will stand tall

Though time will move us apart and so
Our journeys will sometimes seem so slow
But along the river of dreams we meet
And there rediscover our love so sweet

(chorus)
Yea, I wish you could see inside my heart
Cuz there, that’s where our story starts,
Here where our love will never end
That’s where we live my friend
That’s where we live my friend
Always until the end…

© Sue Wilson - March, 2006

*****
Well I have no idea if that’s crap or not, and I’m hoping you’ll let me know. That’s my first ever song. It’s kind of an upbeat song I’ve had in my mind. Please let me know if it’s shit lol. This is the fist inspiration I’ve had in some time, so I’m happy to see that it’s a happy inspiration. No matter if this never sees the light of day, I dedicate it to those who I call friend. Specifically (in no particular order):
Kamiokappa, Dana, Kyle, Tanya, Mr. Uber, Mr. Quiet Strength, Aussie_male, Tony, Beth, Cray, Shaun, Jessie, Al, Tryphenia, Justin, and Stefon. You all remind me what friendship is. Someday, I’ll be able to reciprocate *smile*. For now, even if it’s shit, know I dedicate my first ever song to you.

*****
I had “THE TALK” with S today. I went into her office and told her that I would rather not worry about my job, that if she needed to decrease my hours (seeing as I’m not busy at ALL) that I would rather do that and work a second job then get laid off. I cited examples I had heard of Crony and her saying that we were all going to have to find jobs if things continued this way. She told me if I were going to be laid off she would give me a lot of advance notice. Then she added filing to my responsibilities *sigh*. Well lets see if I take the stacks of filing she gave me today and filed AND decreased the paper in each packet by throwing some stuff away, I think I’d be busy until lunchtime today… What about the afternoon? Tomorrow? Next week?

You may think I’m weird and as much as I enjoy the freedom to surf the internet and do the boards, websites, etc at work, I HATE sitting her getting paid for doing nothing. I look at it as stealing from the company. I realize it’s their responsibility to keep me busy and they can’t but still I can’t just sit here and do nothing. If I had to sit here all day and do nothing and COULDN’T do the outside stuff I do, I would have left long ago.

*****
I have to install DSL Saturday at my mom’s. Wish me luck. I still have to clean off my old tower so she can use it. Hopefully it all works *crosses fingers*. I just hope the day goes quickly. I can’t stand the smoke in her house. Though she does have one plus, she has Mu-Shu and I’ve missed her so that will be nice.

*****
Man I wish I could write comedically about things in life. I just do not have the talent for it. I was reading a blog http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/ and I just LOVE her writing style! Oh well, my blog is just not cut out for comedy. More like drama, angst :P

*****
Thursday’s child was what? I forget the saying, if someone remembers tell me will ya? Oh I have a link to share with you all! Thanks to Kyle for turning me on to K5, because of them my life s complete (albeit a bit late) with the wonderful 2005 ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR AWARDS! Clicky the linky for some really good stuff. http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2005/12/21/72814/635
(Disclaimer: Don’t yell at me because of political views expressed, I could care less about politics, but this made me laugh :P)

*****
I placed a personals ad. *GASP* oh no the horror! The shame! Actually I’ve had a good laugh at some of the responses… Here’s one for you all:

Hello my name is ***** I hope that we can chat someday Im
sending my pic I hope we can get to know one another please write back and let
me know if u at least like my looks ur very pretty Im (insert age
here) by the way and Im from ******** and I beleve that love conquers
all including distance so please respond anyways, I work as a technician for a
company called ************ I pretty much like doing anything with good
company I like star gazing with that special someone, fine dining, and long
walks by the beach, no kids never been married longest relationship I had lasted
8 yrs, please forgive the flag in the pic Ill explain another
time and the pic is a yr old I look the same just a little
heavier please if u get the gumption up call Im at 123-123-1234 well take
care Luv ***** PS: Please please correspond

Yup, let me get right on that one…

Look I mean no disrespect to people. I understand we’re all different people from all different places in life. And I can appreciate the reaching out one has to do to even respond to an ad, but wow… I’ll just say that… wow.

*****
You know what else I realized? I have no clothing. No that’s not a typical female over-exaggeration as some would say…I mean literally, I HAVE nothing! Lol. The last time I went clothing shopping was over 5 years ago. Same thing for shoes. I HATE clothing shopping (No, I’m not your typical female in that area). I hate malls. Now, get me in a book, computer or office supply store and I can window shop with the best of them lol but not clothing or malls or anything like that *YUCK*. My jobs for the last 4 or so years haven’t required me to dress up and for the last 13 years or so I had no need to dress to impress because I was married and then after divorce, I was not ready to go out. I have no clue what I’ll do in this respect lol.

Care to donate to the poor muse who needs a man fund? Small unmarked bills please :P (J/k)

*****
After April, the radio will be closing down again, this time permanently. Since closing it the first time, I heard that so many people were sad about it and missed it etc. One person (a DJ of mine) made a donation to keep the station because he wanted it, but didn’t want to run it. It’s those funds that the station is running on right now. Once those funds are up however, given the lack of response to the station I will be shutting it down unless something changes between now and then.

*****
Random Poetry:
What you want a poem??? I wrote a damn song! :P

Ok ok, hmmmm here we go:

Roses are red, violets are blue
I am BORED OUT OF MY SKULL and need something to do.

There :P

*****
Well wishes and love today:

For Dieteer (a fellow blogger): Keep it up! You’re doing great and are an inspiration to me.

For Dana: I do read your blog every time you post in it ;) Today I send you more peace and joy and hopefulness for GOOD solid sleep as I know you need it.

For Rambling Roze: WELCOME to blogging!!! Yay! You better post a lot! :D If *I* Can, *YOU* can do it! I send you a big hug today, just because *smile*

Aussie_Male: today I send you a hug from far away. Your ear lately has been invaluable to me, your understanding and communication as well. Thanks *smile*

Shaun: I love you. Simply I love you. Tell your mom I said hi oh and BTW Awesome pics of you! :D Today I send you joy! And lots of love *smile*

Mr. Uber: Thanks for listening to me rant yesterday and for understanding the importance I place on things such as we discussed. Thanks also for being refreshingly mature and truly agreeing with me not just because you want to agree with me (Or fear crossing me :P) but because you really do feel the same. I’m glad I’m not strange. I send you thoughts of pure friendship love today.

Mr. Quiet Strength: Today I send you thoughts of camaraderie. I share a lot of things you go through and I share them from far away. I hope someday to close that gap with you… but for now I send you thoughts today and everyday of friendship and happiness. Your words, encouragement, messages mean a great deal to me.

Beth: I know we haven’t spoken lately, but I know you’ve been bad :P I just hear an alarm somewhere lol. (J/k). Today I send you thoughts of self worth. Know you’re worth what you’re going through. *hug*


This Fish Needs a Bicycle: Keep the wonderfully articulate, uniquely humorous blogs coming. I love to read them. I send you thoughts of happiness today in return for the smiles you’ve given me *smile*.

Kami: I send you love today and everyday @~>~

Cray: I send you love today because you called me a “Fag Hag”. Well not intentionally but I read that post in your LJ, and totally understood it. I’m a long time fag hag ;) and proud of it.

For Everyone Else: I hope your day is wonderful and rewarding. And Remember:

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. ~Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld magazine

Think about that for a while!

Random Thought: Why the hell is Crony here early!?!?!?! O_o

Wednesday…again


Well let’s see today I’m supposed to go to moms to install DSL. But that’s been rescheduled. (Thank you mom!)

Be forewarned, I’m tired today ;) And we all know what happens when I’m tired eh? Ok ok I’ll try to keep the blog to a minimum (don’t tell me you don’t absolutely LOVE to read this right? You BEST say yes :P)

Ok so lets start this blog on the right foot with (Drum roll please)

RANDOM MOTIVATIONAL SAYING OF THE DAY!
Lol (These are chosen from my favorites list of motivational sayings and with my eyes closed… as I scroll on the page the first one I see when I open my eyes is the “Winner” woohoo!)

Today’s is good!
If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me. Ann Landers


Go Ann Landers!

*****

So today I’m not sure what to write about. The dreaded blogwriters block has hit me. I’ve been reading various other blogs and more and more I realize mine is crap! Lol. I’m sure that wasn’t the intention of all those fabulous blogwriters, but it’s how I feel looking at mine compared to theis. Can’t compare apples to oranges I know and mine is really personal… almost moreso than most, so I know I shouldn’t compare. I also know I’m not trying to win the most readers either so I do not need to provide comedic relief etc. But still as I go on posting, I’m going to try some different things out. Different writing styles etc. Hopefully they still make sense

*****
I don’t know what’s up with Crony. She keeps getting here before 7am. I got here 5 minutes early and pulled in right after her. She works 7:30 to 3:30. So why she’s here early I don’t know but I don’t like it! I get no time to myself during the day before everyone arrives. Do you have any idea how much non work stuff I can get done in a half hour? :P She TOTALLY ruins that :P

Anyone have any job leads? I’m willing to relocate :D I can’t seem to find anything… sigh. Well time for the good old fashioned tried and true newspaper hunting. The online places are crap anymore.

*****
My Feeble attempt at Random Poetry today (hit the deck! Or put on your waders, one of the two because it’s bound to be a bumpy ride full of shit :P)

I alive and am thus grateful
Faced with the wrath of destruction
The storm raged for days
Yet passed me without even a scratch
My heart however was tormented
Still my spirit was cleansed
It still doesn’t make it better
But with the clock ticking in the background
Breathing with every measured beat
I realize…I’m alive
And for that today I’m grateful.

*****
Well wishes today:

For Beth: Here’s some strength today. I know you’re strong, but I also know what you’re going through and I know we have our good days and our bad days with it. Here’s to hoping today is a good day for you *smile*

For Dana: I’m sending some peace your way today. I’m hoping that things aren’t too chaotic for you :D

For Kami: Many hugs to you my little muse in training *smile*

For Mr. Quiet Strength: Thanks for your message today on the boards *smile* getting those always makes me smile. I’m always thinking about you and sending you some love and joy everyday.

For Mr. Uber: Quit slacking off and get to work. Thanks for the movies the other day. Have a good day

For Kyle: I’m thinking about you today and hoping you have a good day too.

For Aussie_Male: Thanks for the chat yesterday. Apparently I needed it :) Today I'm sending you thoughts of happiness. Have a wonderful day!

For everyone else: It’s only because Crony came over to me that I couldn’t write anymore so it’s because of HER you got shafted :P I’m kidding ;) But for everyone else have a good middle of the week day. Friday will be here soon. *hugs for all of you*

~S

An Apology...

First, let me apologize.  I know Saturday’s post was extremely tacky and vague.  In fact, I’m considering deleting it.  I try hard to not curse too much in writing and to drop an F bomb just doesn’t look good to begin with no matter what.

Second let me apologize again for making you folks wait another day to even hear from me.  This weekend was particularly hard on me and I spent most of Saturday crying, and all of Sunday in a fog.  

It started with Friday.  I had made some last minute plans with some friends and I was SOOO looking forward to it.  It had been a while since I had been spontaneous and said “Yea, lets go out even though it’s on the same day”.  I went home from work (frantically trying to get out of the office as S had recently said she was going to change my hours  to 8-5…that’s a whole other argument) and did what I needed to do to get ready to go out.  

Then just as I headed out I got sick.  My stomach hurt so bad.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I was determined I was going to go out and get past this!  In the 5 minutes maybe 10 it took me to drive to the destination I got worse.  So much so that I went to the store nearby to get medicine.  I made it to the coffeehouse and hoped and prayed that the medicine would kick in.  Thankfully it did and after a short time I was able to relax and even enjoy the company.  Thank GOD for medicine!  

Thanks too, to Dana and T for the wonderful time.  I truly enjoyed our conversation.  It was good to just be out with the girls *smile*

Then I get home and I’m still throughout the night going back and forth with not feeling well.  I finally tried to get some sleep and while I fell asleep it was not a restful sleep.  

Saturday comes and I’m up early with the installer coming to my house at 7am or 8am to do the changes in my apartment.  He shows up and does his work but at the end of his visit (around 2pm or so) things start spiraling downward.  Something I’ve had for a long time has been changed.  And change as you know is never easy, especially not for a situation such as this.  It left me very sad.  All night long I cried, or just sat numb.  

Then after this event, I get a phone call from my mother who informs me that one of my girlfriends fathers has passed away.  This man was like a father to me in my younger years and he will be very missed.  This loss has the two girls A & M very upset and me on the sidelines upset too.  

This was the cocktail of depression that sank in Saturday night and left me hiding all day Sunday.

So my apologies for the post Saturday, I should have just not posted anything at all if I weren’t ready to post what happened.  

*****

I’m better today now.  Though I got to work and crony is in already.  I HATE days like this.  I woke up with a sinus headache and through my tried and true methods I was able to make the ice pick in the head pain I had, turn into a dull roar and was able to shower by candlelight.  Soon after that it went to a dull ache and I was able to drive.  I made it here on time today but was NOT happy to see her here. And she was talkative today too *sigh*.   I shot an email to S asking for Tuesday off so that I can go to the funeral and I’m almost sure I’ll get it, but at a payloss.  The thing is, we’re not very busy here.  I don’t see why my being out is a problem.  I mean sure we have random spurts of busy-ness, but for the most part we’re not busy enough to justify my salary full time as it is.  I worry everyday that I may lose my job.  I’m submitted my resume online again, but I’m not sure that’s going to help. Additionally even if I DO get lucky and get a phone call I have no clue how I would interview.  

Which brings me to the next thing… S has made mention of changing my hours to 8-5.  She’s recently gotten some calls at like 4:30 or so.  And she can’t do them I suppose?  I will not work 8-5 here.  The drive already is 45 minutes,  add that drive to rush hour and you have a full hour drive BOTH ways.  I wont do that.  

Sad to say, but I just do not care about telecommunications anymore.  The industry has not been kind to me, and quite honestly the customers now think that they are OWED service.  I mean I could care less that you can’t see the name and number of who’s calling.  CallerID is a FEATURE not DIAL tone.  If you can’t make or receive calls THAT’s important, but caller id is NOT.

So I should probably look for another job not in this industry if that’s the way I feel.  And doing so means a huge paycut and doing that means either a roommate or moving in with mom…

*****
Well Wishes today:

To EVERYONE may your day prove to be wonderful and provide you at least one thing you desire today.

~Sue

TGIF-Anyone have any happy pills? Vitamins make me feel healthy, but not happy...

I couldn’t pull any cards today.  I got to work late as it was (Damn having to act like a girl and put makeup on and such…) and when I got here S was in before me, which is bad because I was 15 minutes late and didn’t call in.  Crony arrived about 3 minutes after me and then C came in too so as of right now 7:40am, everyone is in *sigh*.  

*****
It’s now 8:30am.  I actually had work to do :P wow

*****

I was really stupid the other night.  I have to remember I’m not 24 anymore.  I bought 4 bags of groceries and instead of making two trips to the car, because it was late I made one trip and put myself in a bad state.  It took me a few hours to breathe normally and even after that my chest was burning.  I wonder if I have asthma?  I really need a physical.  I’ll have to look into that.

*****
Well today work wants to go to lunch to celebrate a few things.  Crony’s birthday is Saturday (how convenient they forgot mine, but they remember everyone else’s…), and they want to celebrate Digital Soup Online being published.  I think that’s cool that they’re thinking of me, but I get the sense that they did it only because they think I’d be mad if they didn’t.  I don’t want them to do it for that reason.  I would rather they all buy a copy and further the effort of the book.  

Speaking of that so far we’ve sold a total of 18 copies.  Not a lot I know, but that means the donation will be better than my minimum.  I should be happy for that right?  I just wish it were more.  I think I was kind of deluded about the whole thing.  I wanted SO BAD for folks to read Jessie’s message and be touched by it.  But I have to remember that everyday people are doing things just like this and they hardly even get noticed.  The more people that do them, the more people will get notice, but for now people mostly, are oblivious.  It’s sad.

I made Al happy I know that.  I made a few people happy, they’ve told me so.  I’ll be able to make a donation in Jessie’s memory so that makes me happy.  

*****
I have some doubts lately as to what I’m doing online.  I know that’s phrased badly, let me try to explain.  For three years now I’ve put aside real life in favor of the online world of reclusion.  We all know this will change at some point, but initially I thought it would change because I’d finally wake up.  Now, I’m thinking that it will change because I’m waking up, but the wake up call isn’t me looking at life and seeing what I’m missing.  

**Edited** I’m not going to elaborate on this further

*****
I’ve been taking vitamins again and they seem to be doing really well for me (as they usually do).  I even feel like I can do a bit more than I used to.  This whole week has been busy for me in that I’ve had plans everyday this week.  Tonight I’ll be home and cleaning as at 8am tomorrow the installer is coming.  Then Sunday, I have to go to my moms for more computer 101 for her.  At some point I have to clean off my old computer (which simply means switching my monitor to the old machine for a bit) to clean off my files because I’m giving her that tower.  And then next week at some point I have to go over there and install her DSL for her.  

I really dislike being at her house.  Not because I don’t love her or anything, but because she smokes.  She doesn’t light up in front of me, but she smokes in her house and when I get there it’s just awful.  I leave there all the time with cravings again *frown*.  When D and M used to smoke in their house after I had quit, I had to just stop going over there to avoid the cravings.  I’m afraid soon I’ll have to do the same with mom.  She says she’s tired of having to come over to my house; well I’m tired of sitting around smoke when I go to her place.  There has to be a compromise other than the alternative of fighting (which usually happens when I ask her to not smoke around me).  

*****
Well people have been asking me how I’m doing on my plan.  I’m failing miserably.  I’m trying and I’ll keep trying but I have NO discipline anymore.  Sigh.  It’s a work in progress.  Thanks for asking though it’s nice to know people are thinking about me.

*****
Well Wishes for the day:

Kami: I’m thinking about you and hoping you have a good day hon
Beth:  Stay strong no matter what.  I’ll keep sending you strength and peace
Dana: Thank you for the awesome night the other night.  Sending you love and peace today
Kyle: Thank you for the test on 8th grade math (which I failed thank you! :P) I always did suck at math, but regardless I’m sending you happy thoughts today too *smiles*
Mr. Quiet Strength: even though we’ve not spoken for a few days, I’m thinking of you and your decisions and hoping the choices come easy
Mr. Uber: I’m glad you’re feeling better and I will continue to send you good thoughts on health
Aussie_Male: I send you wishes for a safe journey home when you do head there.
Tony: I send you wishes for a good day devoid of Mr. Holy Roller
Cray: Thank you for the very funny post on “Fag Hags”, today I send you thoughts of happiness, and joy.  We’ll catch up soon.
Stefon: It’s always nice to just “be” around someone who is a friend.  Thank you for that the other day.  Sorry for my negativity, perhaps that will change soon when my metamorphous becomes more than just idle chat *smiles*.  Today though, I send you thoughts of friendship
Al: I send you love today and warm thoughts of peace
Mom: Sending you love and hope that you’ll find the strength to quit poisoning your body.  
Me: I send myself love today because I desperately need it.
Mr. Serenader: Even though we don’t speak anymore I still find my thoughts stray to you and so I send you peace today.

*****
Random Poetry

Still no inspiration… hopefully something soon

Invisible Children - LRA - Please read...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/3462901.stm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord's_Resistance_Army

http://www.iap.nl.com/speeches_annual_conference_2003_washington/terrorism_financing_speech_by_richard_buteera.htm

I may be behind on the news because I choose not to watch it, but I happened to read this story today (the first link) and was absolutely MORTIFIED.  It amazes me what we do to people.  Please read and pass these on…  They are so important.

Random Thought: Chocolate covered telephones? O_o (WARNING: Long Post)

Self Care Cards:
Boundaries: Set Boundaries; protect your precious time and energy

Priorities: Get your priorities straight; when you know what’s important, saying no gets much easier.

Peace: Embrace your confusion; Let there be peace in not knowing all the answers

Gifts of the Goddess Cards:
My Willpower is stronger than my bad habits (whoa!); Use this gift when you feel unable to overcome long-held beliefs, habits, or compulsions.  Like affirmations, out habits gain in strength from constant repetition and our belief in their ability to help us cope with life in some way.  They can be dealt with by using this gift and by accepting and loving yourself more and more.

I use criticism only for making things better: Use this gift when you are either the giver or the recipient of criticism that is meant to tear down father than build up.  We must be truthful with ourselves and others.  We cannot improve unless we are able to see what needs improvement.  However, when we forget to turn off our critical faculty, we become someone who is neither happy nor fun to be with.

I am patient in the face of delay and obstacles: Use this gift when you are upset because you or another person is late, stuck in traffic, or when encountering situations that you obviously cannot do anything about at the time.  Patience is a great teacher; a sign of maturity and wisdom.  If approached with calm and patience, difficult situations have a remarkable way of eventually working out.

*****

Ok that’s just too weird that the first card of the day (literally) is a blast from the past.  I’ve been having some issues with my goal lately.  I know I need this one in particular today.  

Today my friend Dana called me at 7:50am.  My first thought is “Oh my god something’s wrong”.  She never calls that early.  As it turns out she was just chatting on her way to an appointment.  The reason I mention it is because Dana and I have this thing that always sends us into gales of laughter.  I’ll try to tell you it today.  Those of you that have kids will understand.

So about 4 years ago (I think), Dana and I are at her old house in Elmhurst.  We’re just sitting down to a light lunch while doing some work on Home Creations.  I still to this day do not recollect what we had but I do remember the rice… Oh yes I remember the rice.  Brenna, Dana’s daughter was very young at this time and just started to eat foods like what we were having (rice).  So Dana proceeds to give her a little tiny bit of it.  No sooner does she, then Brenna starts to choke.  Dana immediately turns into ninja mom, going into strike mode patting Brenna’s back etc.  I’m a little concerned at this point, but not hugely so because Dana isn’t freaking out.  So I just calmly get up and begin to pick up some things (those of you who know me, you know if I get upset, I do what ALL good Virgos do… I clean.) When the patting doesn’t work Dana jumps off the couch we’re sitting on and turns Brenna upside down and starts doing anything to help her (rightfully so!).  But at the sight of this I go into clean sweep mode (because I’m powerless to help either of them!) and start cleaning her whole house.  By the time all the ruckus is over, Brenna is smiling again, Dana is sitting down on the couch breathing heavy and I’ve cleaned the entire lower level of her house! :P.  After a little bit when the trauma was behind us we just burst out laughing and couldn’t stop.

So the big joke is that if ever anything is wrong I start looking to clean something.  

So now today Dana calls me at 7:50 and immediately I think something’s wrong.  Not only do I start cleaning my desk but I tell her “Omg I was like what can I clean!” lol.  

Alright it was funny to me. :P  Just be nice and go along with it you whackos!

*****
Ok so today is Wednesday (HUMP DAY!) and for the first time in a long time I have a very busy couple of days ahead of me!.  Tonight I’m going to Dana’s (no not to clean: P) and we’re going to do some shopping.  Then tomorrow I have to go to my mom’s and give her some computer help, then Friday I have to clean because the installer is coming Saturday to fix my apartment, and then finally on Sunday I can rest: D

It’s a little nice to be busy… a little

*****
Someone on the boards posted a link to a Xanga blog called Wal*Mart Lifer’s blog.  It’s got funny stories in it, daily stories, etc of a wal-mart employee.  I liked it so much I registered for Xanga just so I could post a reply to some of them.  Lo and behold I wake up today and who has registered on the utopia skye forums, but none other than wal*mart lifer herself!  I mean when I signed her blog I mentioned that we had a link to it on the utopia skye forums but I didn’t even provide a hyperlink.  That means she had to look it up to get there and then when she did she registered! Wow, cool!  I hope she enjoys them.  

Speaking of the boards, it has come to my attention recently that some people may not be seeing all the forums they’re supposed to.  IN light of that I think I’m going to have to do a revamp of all the member groups, masks, etc.  This is not a small task.  We have 427 folks on the boards now and there are a TON of groups.  I’ll have to get together with my admins and get this done.  It’s hard enough to get people to go to the boards without prompting anymore; the last thing I want is for them to not even see all the things they should be able to.  

*****
There has been no progress on the job situation.  The latest is that Crony in her good day decided to tell S that I should get paid for the days I missed a few weeks ago.  The result is an extra $200 that will greatly help me.  While I’m happy for this it means as of this moment in time according to S, I already owe those days.  So if I should leave, I will have to either have caught up that time, or I’ll have to pay them back for these days.  Hopefully I won’t have to do either.  I have no prospects for jobs right now either.  I’ve revised my resume so it’s less powerful, but I still don’t even get phone calls!  I have enough of a battle on my hands in that if I DO get a phone call and an interview I have no idea how I’ll get time off work first of all.  But second of all I have to get past the interview and as good a presenter as I am, it seems that this part has become harder for me.  Time alone will tell how this works out.  I do know that I need an 8k increase (approx) in pay to get me back to where I was and that will help me save and pay off bills all at once.

*****
No progress either on my love life.  This is the most lacking part of my life right now.  Some women my age hear their biological clock ticking.  I hear the squeaking of a rusty heart that hasn’t been filled with love for a long time.  I have to be honest and admit being scared to accept a partner in my life again.  But with patience and effort I think that adding another facet of love to my life in a partner who’s supportive and patient will only benefit me.  It may take me away from the online world more, but that’s ok.  Those of my true friends will understand.  I’m ready for this I think even as much as I have to learn yet, I’m ready.  

In light of this I had considered placing a personal ad recently.  I think I made mention of this before.  The scary thing about that is you don’t truly know who you’re talking to.  The thing is, people are so down on the online dating thing, and really you have to be just as careful in real life as you do online.  People get screwed in real life just as bad as they do online.  

I’m very sacred of being taken advantage of.  I’m very scared that the same things that were problems for me before will be problems for me now.  But I’m willing to take some risk.  Maybe with all my prayers and hopes I’ll get lucky and find someone even if they aren’t a life partner, but someone who won’t hurt me.  

Maybe I already have found them…maybe.

*****
Well wishes and love for people.  Never feel upset if I don’t mention you specifically here.  Those of you who read this are in my heart.  I don’t always have to verbally acknowledge you to love you *smile*

To Beth: May today bring you bright joy and immense strength.  Remember, every time I see your picture I’m filled with feelings of joy at how beautiful you are.  You might say I’m biased, but I’m ok with that.  You’re beautiful and deserving of all that life has to give.  

To Dana: Thanks for the morning laugh, I needed it.  I look forward to tonight, but in the meantime may you have a day of less stress, more joy, and some peace.

To Kyle:  I know you always read my blogs, and believe it or not I do read yours: P. May you have a day filled with the joyous tech calls that we all love to read.  By the way… are you gay?  :P

To Kami:  I know we haven’t had a chance to talk in a bit.  I love you everyday and send you good thoughts all day long in the hopes that they reach you when you need them.  

To Mr. Quiet Strength: Your decision is a tough one lately, but you will do the right thing.  Put it out of your mind.  You’ve laid out the choices that have to be made, now let things fall in place as they’re meant to be.  The answer will come.

To Mr. Uber: I send you thoughts of wellness today as I know you’re still not feeling good.  If I were there I’d give you a big hug and force a whole gallon of chicken soup down your throat: P so maybe it’s good I’m NOT there lol.  

To Aussie_male: I send you today thoughts of prosperity.  I know the business you’re undertaking can seem overwhelming, but I know you can do it, as you know this too.  

To Mom: Today I send you love as I do everyday.

To anyone else reading this that I may or may not know:  Today I send you all the joy that life can send.  It may mean nothing to you but it means everything to me.  

*****

Random Poetry coming atcha…

(I have not had inspiration in some time so I’m afraid I can’t do this today)

Day One & HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONY!!!!!

Self Care Cards:
Listening: Listen to your wise self; Let your inner compass direct the course of your life.

Silence: Rest your mind; Silence is good self-care.

Dance: Step into the light; Share your gifts and talents with the world.

Goddess Cards:
Goddess of Illumination: “I learn from mistakes and grow wise and strong.” Use this gift when angry with yourself or other people for having made what you consider to be a mistake.  Expectations are often unreasonable, especially the expectation that you can go through life without making mistakes of having to deal with the mistakes of others.  Successful people know that mistakes are valuable learning experiences.

Goddess of Truth: “I make my highest ideals real by my actions.”  Use this gift when you notice that you or someone else is not living up to the standards you have set.  Forgive them and yourself for this and appreciate the fact that you noticed.  We must be agents of the changes we want to see happen in the world.  Realize the truth of the old saying.  “A good example is the best sermon.”

Goddess of Courage: “I invent creative solutions to the challenges in my life.” Use this gift when you are confronted with a situation that seems impossible to deal with.  Sometimes it is better to study a problem until you understand it well and then put it out of your mind for a while.  Many scientists and mathematicians have reported that their inventions and creative solutions came to them in a dream or in the reverie of a daydream.

**********

Ok so I realize this is a lot to take in today, but it’s funny I found my journal from when I quit smoking.  Taking it, and several things with me to work today that I used when I quit smoking seemed a fitting thing to do.  It was interesting to read the thoughts and things that continually came up when I was going through the process of quitting.  Very interesting indeed.

The above mentioned cards are part (sort of) of the decks of cards I used when I would take 15 minutes before work everyday back in 2001.  When I quit smoking I was so ready (even if I didn’t think I was).  I think today I’m ready for the other things I must do (as referenced in my earlier post).

But now before I begin, I need something from you readers.  I need you to comment.  I mean ALL of you that actually give a damn about what I’m doing in my life.  I know many read and a few post but I need to know that what you read in here will be accepted and that you will support me.  This blog for the first time since 2004 when it was created will (hopefully) serve a bigger purpose than just a place for my rants.  It will be the place I show you folks my awakenings (  But because of this it will be highly personal.  I will deal with the fact that anyone “Could” stumble across it and read it, and I’m ok with that because they don’t know me.  But YOU dear reader, do.  So I need to know that you are ok with my deepest fears, thoughts, and struggles.  So please respond.  Let me know you’re out there and supporting me.

Now onto the funny thought of the day.  I hadn’t realized that because I’m so used to typing now, just HOW bad my handwriting sucks!  I mean really!  It’s awful lol.  I had to write out the above things in my journal (because that’s all personal for me ;) )  and by the time I was done my hand was cramping! And my writing looked like that of a doctors! Lol.  I need to practice some :D

Crony was nice to me today.  I think she must have had a good weekend.  She even offered me some breakfast.  And she laughed with me on something, I mean WOW.  

I don’t remember my dreams last night, but I do remember that I dreamt.  I hate when I don’t remember them.  I dream so infrequently anymore (at least that I remember).  When I do dream I like to write them down even in parts.  I found my dream journal the other day and all I can say is WOW! lol I had some strange ass dreams!

I woke up with a sinus headache today *yuck*.  But I was able to get rid of it, and get functioning today.  Thank you to Dana for the Ibuprofen that I took this morning to help keep the headache away!

I also started my vitamin program again today.  I’ll need to buy some more things soon so pray I get the money to do so in this upcoming check… For those of you that are interested, I do the following.

At night (every other day or so) I take an herbal supplement to help me get tired earlier so I’m not up so late.

Every morning I take herbal St. John’s Wort to make sure I’m not a crabby ass bitch while I eat less and force myself to do things I am not used to doing :P

I also take everyday either a Vitamin C supplement or a one a day vitamin geared towards weight loss.  I alternate these because quite frankly I’m low on both and I can extend them by using them wisely (


That’s the vitamin arrangement for now.  Sometimes I add specific herbs/vitamins as needed.  (I did study homeopathic remedies so I assure you I’m safe).  Also, while at home, I will (hopefully) take the time required to fill and turn on my fountains as well as set some aromatherapy oil burning, light some sage and get rid of negativity that has found its way to me.  Last but not least,  (and pray for me on this one lol) I go for a walk everyday.

That’s the plan in motion and more often than not, I know I will fail.  I’ve become used to doing what I want, when I want it, and have lost some discipline.  I’m hoping that the clear mind in the morning, enough sleep and better health will allow me to see clearer so I do what I know I need to do.

For those of you who have known me a long time, you know I have incredible strength.  For those of you who have known me only a short time you’ve only seen the depression.  That will still exist; I think I will always struggle with that given my past etc.  But hopefully you’ll get to see the person I really am, the one you only just get a glimmer of now.  

Hope springs eternal…  

Friday, whew... I made it through another week of my life :P

I don’t know what is the matter with crony.  Hot, cold, hot, cold… I can never read her right.  Today’s issue was that I was tired and she approached me about some ECATS (contract approval).  The contract group says they sent it to me on 1-4.  For those of you that know me I file EVERYTHING, even my replies.  So I checked and no email from them.  So then I go to look at something else and she’s like “It SAYS right here” and I said “I KNOW what it says, I…” and she cuts me off with, “My God, sorry”.  I said “I was just finishing that sentence with; I already read what it says”.  And now she’s been in Sharon’s office with the door closed and isn’t talking to me now.  It’s like do you even realize that just two days ago you snapped at me???  Even if what I said could be construed as “attitude” it’s not nearly as bad as the shit she’s said to me in months past.  

Not only that, but Julie confirms to me what I already knew… but still hard confirmation that NOTHING said in this office is said in confidence.  NOTHING.  So that means every thing I’ve spoken to Sharon about in a confidential employer/employee relationship has been passed on.  Even if people don’t speak of it (though I’ve had sufficient evidence to know they DO), they still are privy to things that I’ve shared with Sharon because she’s my boss.  This means financial disclosures (when trying to ensure I get my paycheck on time, which I still have to do routinely), health concerns (when I’ve been sick short of details, she knows why I’m sick so I’m sure the office does now), and my own personal endeavors outside that have come up in conversation between us.  (I.e. potential dates, etc).  I had example of this way back when I started when Crony one day made a comment while we were talking “OH, well I know how you don’t ever go out anywhere, and you like it.”  At this point I had not once even spoken to Crony outside the work context.  Julie however, purposely told things about herself as a test to people in the office and WATCHED it go through the office.  It’s just insane.

I’ve applied at a few jobs recently closer to home.  It’s time.  I like that I can sit here and do nothing and get paid for it, but as much fun as that can be (I mean come on I wrote digital soup on ENG time), it can also be boring as hell.  I have no projects that are in the middle of their full swing right now and all I do is sit here and eat because I’m SOOO BORED.

Not only that, I need to make more money, just because I USED to.  Aside from that I need insurance, and damnit I need 401K.  I’ve dropped all games now except TSO (yes, I reactivated WoW, but it will probably only be for a month), and after July I’m really tightening the belt.  Between now and July I really really need to be more strict on money or I wont have the bills paid off that I want to.  If I do this right, I can pay bills off, AND save some money.  Then next year I can save a HUGE amount.  All this and not having to move home with my mother.  Granted if I move home with my mother, even with storage I can put away a good couple of grand (even living with her for 6 months) but I’m petrified of that prospect.  I remember what life was like with her before my marriage and while we’re older it doesn’t mean we’ll get along any better now…

As far as relationships, I really want to date again.  I’m tired of sitting at home with nothing to do and no one around me.  Everyday the pressure of wanting  a relationship mounts and it’s become so much so that sometimes I don’t even want to be on the computer.  And when I am like that I get SOO much done.  Let me clarify here, it’s not that I feel I need a relationship to complete me, but that I feel I’m ready to learn about HAVING a relationship and sharing, and wanting to support, share and take care of someone who will do the same for me.  

I really do not want anymore empty promises, empty words, or to be strung along.  I’m looking for something real.  If I never find it, then so be it… but I don’t want to be deluded anymore.  So if you’re interested in me (whether online or offline) get off your ass and do what you need to do to make it happen.  If you think you have an interest in me, TELL ME.  If you wish to meet me, then DO SO.  Because if it’s not right in front of my face, then it’s not real and as much as I’ll accept who people are, I won’t accept them into my heart like a partner without the real life aspect of it.

Today, I’m strong… we’ll see how I fair any other day.  

I’m really trying hard to lose weight.  Thank you to everyone who says I’m beautiful no matter my weight.  The thing that’s hardest for you all to see because all you see is the depression is that I DO believe I’m beautiful, but I DETEST my body.  I can’t stand even to look at myself.  I avoid mirrors unless I’m looking just at my face.  Am I a walking health risk, not yet, but soon I will be.  Am I a what’s it my mom would say?  Two ton tessie? Lol  No, but if I keep going I will be.  My bones support me well, my posture holds me well but it’s too much.  

I have deep fears about this weight issue.  I’ll go with this today and bare my soul to you all.  Treat it gently.

First.  I’m afraid that I will lose weight and meet someone who would only love me for my body.  I’m a beautiful woman, I know this, and I know that in the past and even now (just not so much) people were drawn to me.  I don’t know why, but I know that with my fragile sense of self, I’m afraid that I wont be able to be strong enough to notice someone who’s motives aren’t pure.   THIS is part of the reason I don’t want to lose weight, because I want someone to meet me, love me, and support me as I am now..  

Second.  I’m afraid that even if I DO find that someone now, that when I do lose weight I’ll turn into some different person than I’ve ever been and be snotty etc.  I’m afraid that once I start getting attention again (yes, I used to quite a bit… modeling helped ;) But there is more to a model than a body) that I will easily be dissuaded.  This is another reason I don’t want to lose weight AND this reason too is what helped me GET on this path of gaining weight.  How?  Because I was so afraid of this when I was married, I was afraid that despite never having cheated on anyone in my life, that I would realize I was so miserable in my marriage, that even *I* would cheat if someone showed me attention.  So I began to eat to become invisible…

Third.  And the least of my concerns but a concern nonetheless, is that I will lose weight and be more active and rarely if ever be online anymore.  I’ve had some rude awakenings the past few weeks in that I know who my true friends are now (or at least I think so) so while I’m not afraid of losing touch with *everyone* I am afraid of losing touch with those I’ve built friendships with.  I say this from example.  When I went into hiding I lost touch with all my real life friends.  Dana & Beth (and their families) are the only ones to have stuck around and given a shit about me.  They’ve not given me grief when I didn’t call for weeks (even months) on end.  They’ve not made me feel bad for not going over to see them (for Dana anyway… Beth is in Arizona).  All because I was so self absorbed (and still am sometimes) and hiding online.  I’m terrified that when my life changes I will do this to those few folks I’ve built friendships with online.  I do not want to do that to either group.  

Anyway, now that I’ve laid it down and spoken the deep fears I have maybe just seeing them on paper (even digitally) will have some magic to help them take root in my brain and be plucked like weeds keeping a garden from growing.  

One can hope.

Wednesday... (I know hardly creative but it's factual :P)

Well the day started off not so good.  Crony was in before I was (I was only 5 minutes late).  And yesterday two of the guys in the office had moved some furniture around and cleaned and such. This was done while both the two women (me and Julie) who could have helped were on the phone and were unable to help.  We all had a great time joking about men cleaning etc.  The guys were in on it too.  Anyway I made reference to it today when Crony asked if they had moved stuff.  I said something like “Yes, and we poked fun at them for cleaning” and she jumped all over me.  Saying stuff like “You have a lot of nerve” and I was like why?  And she just walked away.  I’m so tired of trying to be nice to this woman.  Then she goes in Sharon’s office to use the phone.  God only knows what she was doing or saying.  What is the matter with this woman?  I hate sitting out here with her when she’s in one of these moods.  It’s very difficult to work with her.  Especially when she’s so god damn opinionated.  Whatever….

Ok so yesterday I didn’t do so good on my plan :P  But that’s ok today I will.  

I am tired today despite having gone to bed by 11pm.  I slept pretty much all through the night up until 3:30am, when I woke up every half hour.  Don’t know what that was all about..  

Anyone got any leads on any jobs?  I need a new one bad :P

Ok that’s it for now.  
Ta ta

Today's Journey begins with the Fool...

Today do one act of kindness for another:  Call a friend you haven’t called in a long time.  Tell them how wonderful they are.  Enjoy this conversation & tell them you love them.

This morning on your way to work (or when you first get up if on a weekend) say a prayer of thanks for those friends in your sacred heart.  Send them love and light to guide their day.

Well since the only people who even have this link are those in my heart, I send you all love and thoughts of health and joy today.  Whatever life throws at you, today it can be handled.  And tomorrow too, and so on and so on.  

Wish me luck friends, I’m about to embark on a difficult journey.  No not travel related :P you know I can’t stand flying lol.  But a personal one.  Just wish me luck.  

I’m working on another book (I can’t keep still it seems anymore).  But this book is going to be different.  I eluded to it in my earlier posts, but it’s still evolving as we speak.  Once we get the character and story sketched out without gaps, the co-author I’ve chosen and I will begin writing the story.  It is my HOPE, GOAL, etc that writing of the actual novel will take no more than 100 days.  Should be ample time to complete what’s already there.  Then after the initial writing, will come revisions etc.  I expect this will take a minimum of 4 months, and possibly more like 6 months.  

I’m going to also work with my partner to not only publish this on lulu.com, but also market it to publishing firms.  I want to see what that process is like.  The nice thing is the pressure is off because I know at least it will be published, even if no big publishing house wants it.  

In the course of my day I always think of things I can do that I can make a living at.  My current job, customer service in telecommunications, is NOT what I want anymore.  My work shows that as I could care less about it…  I can’t do something I love to do (i.e. soap etc) because then it becomes a “job” and not a passion.  So the medium for me (I think) is to do something I like to do, but is not all consuming passion etc.  Because then I can truly enjoy it while I do it.  The trick is to find something I don’t HAVE to do all the time either…  Hence, writing as an option.  

I believe that writing will not only keep me young (in terms of imagination creativity etc) but will also keep me happy.  I’m most happy when I’m helping others, creating, and expressing myself.  I think this will do all of those things and never (even if successful) become as tedious as a day job would be.  SHOULD I get to the point where I don’t have to work full time but I can write, this is my ultimate goal because then I can write when I want, continue doing the things I want for folks online, and do the things I enjoy like making things etc and giving them to folks.  I think in my thoughts lately THIS is the dream I should pursue.  

The thing that sucks about this is that I do not have the financial means yet to be without a day job so in the interim to my wild success :P   I have to find something I can do that wont kill me…  Which leads me to more thoughts of cutting money.  Perhaps living with my mother is an option that I *should* consider.  I could live practically rent free, and as such get a job that has less pay.  This would allow me to get into a creative career without hurting over a pay cut.  But it would cut my sanity as I’m sure my mother and I would kill each other.

Which brings me to the next thing.  I’ve had a few offers to live with some folks, whether I would move out of state or not, I have had offers… I’m not sure how well I would do in a roommate situation.  If I *had* to do it, I’m sure I would, but the point is I don’t *have* to right now.  I have to determine how much my freedom from responsibility and expectations is worth.  That’s the bottom line lately.  This decision will tell me how much I need to make, and subsequently tell me what I need to do right now.  Sigh
I was afraid after the divorce of living alone.  Not that I couldn’t do it but I had lived with people all my life, first my mother, then my husband.  Now that I’ve been alone for two years, I’m petrified of living with someone again.  I’m very VERY torn over this choice.  I’m hoping that as I pick my head up out of the sand more and more that the answer will come to me because of the things I’ll be doing in my life.  At least I hope so…

For now I must go and find a means to look busy for 8 hours (could I just die please).  Sigh

Random poetry comin atcha
On the verge of destiny, the fool’s step falters
His journey is foretold, his step should be sure
With baited breath in early morning
In the dark stillness he waits
Looking ahead over the proverbial cliff
Neither looking down at what can be his fall
Nor seeing his destination in the distance
Foggy plumes of air escape as he exhales
Waiting for certainty, waiting for strength
The dog nipping at his heels; a warning or a push?
Indecision roots him
Until the sunrise explodes on the scene
Coloring all in the brilliant hues of simple joy
Lighting his form with blissful warmth
Reassured by this natural, unexpected beauty he smiles
And takes the step.
Will you? Will I?

Inspiration for a Muse... and some other things :D

The fact is that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can. ~Robert Cushing


There is nothing as good for the soul as inspiration. Once deposited, like the hopeful planter plants a garden, he knows that with gentle tending the seed will grow. Thank you for the inspiration I was given last night. It has done many things including make me excited today!

Yes, a new project is in the works!

Believe it or not another book is in the brewing. Right now in the cauldron of ideas it’s just a fine mist swirling around, but it has been stirred and tended to. And so it will become something, even if it only becomes an idea that may have been. For now it has purpose. I’ll begin working with my partner (yes, I believe I have a partner for this one :D) to gather materials needed today. I believe that while this probably in the long term WILL be published on lulu.com. I believe I will also be marketing this book to major publishing houses. Who knows right? But I believe it can’t hurt to try.

As for other things, I’m still not 100% well but I’m far better than I was last week. My chest is still sore, but MUCH better than it has been since Sunday. My arrhythmia is almost normal (Hah, what a concept!), and my range of motion has increased so I do believe that it was just perhaps a pulled muscle. Probably was the result of sleeping in a wrong position, given how much sleep I WAS getting lol.

As most of you know because of the change of address for this blog, I had an internet scare recently. Now that it’s two days past the initial scare, I can say it’s not as frightening as it was, however, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Naivety always surrounded me with my online endeavors. The sadness I feel though is because we live in a world where I *can’t* be what I want to be to people. I mean if I wasn’t so naive, I may not have met the few of you that I did online who are now close friends… And yet I have to close those doors in some measure because there are just too many people who abuse what I’ve got to give. It’s a sad state of things.

The few of you who have this new blog link are some of the closest friends I have. The others that aren’t as close to me as real life (yet), are still people considered special and I am glad that you’ve chosen to be a part of my life and this journal. I’m happy to share my ups and downs with you all.

I have some long term goals! WOOHOO :D

The first one is to PERHAPS trademark both Utopia Skye, and Digital Soup Online. The reason for this is because I want Utopia Skye to be what I have always envisioned it to be; a place for creative expression. And I want Digital Soup Online to grow too and become the project of light that I think it should be. Even if its only online with a magazine, newsletter and monthly artistic contributions, I think it has it’s place in Utopia Skye.

As far as Utopia Skye, it is a secret goal of mine (not so secret anymore lol) that Utopia Skye would be a place for people to learn how to express themselves, learn how to write, and eventually either learn how to get published and have Utopia Skye as a company help, OR have Utopia Skye do the publishing. Could you imagine Utopia Skye books? Additionally, as much as I hate the radio sometimes for its cost to me, and for the time it eats up, I LOVE it for the creativity and joy it brings people. My goal for the station is to have it become a legitimate (meaning not just internet) station. Perhaps a satellite station so people who DJ can be all over. I think these two things alone would really fulfill the goal that I never knew I had, the day I chose the name Utopia Skye for my property online. It’s funny I always think of these great people who did these great things, and I think “Ha, I don’t have time to do that! Or how did they think of that?” Well I understand now. Everything Utopia Skye has done, become, shared has EVOLVED into what it is. It started as just a property, but became known as the house of light, and then the radio was added, etc etc etc.

The even funnier piece is the Isle of Skye that goes along with Utopia Skye. For years people asked me if Utopia Skye was based on the Isle of Skye in Scotland. I laughed lightly and said no, but I never checked it out. Well I did just recently and have been scouring the net for pictures and more information. If you’ve ever heard me mention my sanctuary, I can’t think of a better place that emulates that, then the Isle of Skye. There are some websites posted on Utopia Skye that detail this place of beauty. It truly is EVERYTHING I’ve ever envisioned that Utopia Skye was. I really want to visit there, and should I ever get married; perhaps I would honeymoon there. It’s simply beautiful.

Anyway, I’ll be posting on the new project soon I think, because while myself and my partner have yet to decide the finer details like levels of involvement etc., I truly believe that people in Utopia Skye can still assist in this and really be a part of something that as one person fueled me to believe, can be the next big Harry Potter type thing. I’ll need proofreaders, people who can draw. I’ll also need graphic artists and so much more. The project is barely more than a whisper, but it’s gaining volume and while it’s low enough to not be deafening, I think preparations should be made :). This is a serious project by the way, and I will approach it (hopefully) with the same zeal and care that I did Digital Soup Online.

Oh goodness me, looky this… I’ve gone and written a book here and put you all to sleep :P Wakey, Wakey… wouldn’t want you to miss work or something ;)

Xo
~S

Why...

I’ll never understand what it is that makes people be anything but nice to others.

Why are people constantly thinking of ways to treat each other badly?
Why do people make up schemes to get something from others?
Why not just ask?  
Why do they hurt each other when all you have to do to be happy is just be open?
And finally
WHY would people take advantage of something so genuinely positive, that is given freely to make people happy… WHY


I do not understand people.  Sometimes when I think about it as bad as this sounds it makes me so sad I wish I wasn’t here.  Especially when I see what people do to each other.  Where would I go? Some remote cave to escape it? Because we’ll never ever be anything good for each other.

/rant off

Random poetry
You don’t want to hear what I would write here today.. not right now.

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. ~George Sand

Tuesday – Valentine’s Day...

Well I hope everyone had a good weekend :) I myself spent all of Friday through Monday sick. It was weird it was like I just couldn’t sleep enough. So I slept… a LOT. Weird hours, mainly I was up during the wee hours of the morning. Friday I had fever and aches, the rest of the weekend I just couldn’t sleep enough, and Monday I had chest pain. That’s the scary part, chest pain. It was like I pulled a muscle but even today it still persists. I’ll give it two more days (that’s about how long a sprained muscle needs to heal). If the chest pain isn’t gone then I’ll go to the doctors. So don’t you all worry ;)

Many thanks for the lovely gifts I received today. They are appreciated in their own right :)

Not much else has been going on except that Digital Soup Online was featured in Lulu’s Newsletter as #4 of the top 5 featured books :D They also put my interview with the listing which was nice. Because of that alone (I believe) two more copies have sold. We are now at twice the minimum donation that I had hoped for and that makes me happy. People should start receiving their books now and I hope they’ll enjoy them. Give me feedback! I would love to hear what you think :)

For now folks until I can think of more to write, Happy Valentine’s Day and know you are loved for the beautiful soul that you are…

xoxo
~S

Wednesday and my glass is half full, but approaching half empty...fast

Hump day …

Well today is hump day, the day of the week that for some brings about happiness (Yay Friday is only two days away!) or for others brings about depression (damnit it’s only Wednesday two WHOLE MORE days to go before Friday).  So where do you fit? :P

I fit somewhere in the middle depending on what’s happening around me.  Right now I sit on the happy side, because I’m expecting a copy of Digital Soup Online to be delivered to me today.  I ordered one hardcopy and one soft bound.  I’ll have to order more to get it to Andersons, but for today I can’t wait to get it and see what it really looks like.  I know people at work are looking forward to it as well.  

I haven’t been pulling affirmations in about two weeks.  I’d been so busy with the book and then now after its publication I’ve not thought about pulling them..  I know, bad.  I’ll begin again tomorrow.  Today instead I offered up some intentions for people I know and for myself.  All day I’ve decided I will do this as I think of people I will offer up an intention for something, be it happiness, joy, peace, strength, health whatever…

I have nothing going on in my life right now that is worth mentioning, or that can be mentioned.  Strange to look at this empty page and see the swirl of thoughts, ideas, and happenings that cannot be represented.  Aside from having to sort them out myself, I just wouldn’t know how to even put them down without them looking like spattered matter with no purpose.  

I’m going to try and write today.  If you see my writings look to them for veiled meanings, because as of late my poetry/stories/etc is the only way I can express myself without second guessing.

Sue