The undeniable sense of loss

It creeps up on me at night.  The pangs resounding from somewhere within the temple of my being.  They start innocently enough, lets look at this, or read back on this blog, or look at the dates on a calendar and realize just how much you've been through in a very short period of time....

And that's what happens.  The next thing you know my mind is racing, my emotions are engaged and I can see then the deep well of swirling emotion barely kept at bay by the light of day.  But it's there.  The tempest brew of grief, sadness, fear and insecurity laid bare having been bashed about in the well of hell.

Tonight it was stomach upset that nagged at me like an unruly child. It sat there petulant when I wouldn't respond because I was trying to sleep.  You an always tell when it stares and when staring isn't enough to goad a response then comes the nagging.  Poke... you know you feel me poking you.  So I squirm and close my eyes harder the ignoring is not so easy now.  Poke... Come ON you have to pay attention to me.  But I keep hoping you'll just go away.  Big Poke, flurry of karate moves directly at my insides threatening to explode into the outer world.  NOW you're paying attention (As I sit right up and nod yes, yes I am).

So here we are.  My stomach mildly relieved at my great discomfort and my brain kicking into gear now too, lest she miss all the fun.  Stomach can annoy me, make me not too happy, but brain she's a  wicked child.  She can at will pluck the thinnest wispy memory from a pool she keeps at the ready at all times.  And she'll smile when she lays that memory on you despite the fact that it could be potentially harmful or dangerous if you weren't ready for it. You almost have to be able to read her mind to keep up with her, because she can be super fast switching gears on you and leave you in a dizzy puddle on the floor.

Since boarding the carnival ride from hell with these two children of my body on each side I've decided on a relatively mature approach.  Distraction. I will pretend I'm paying attention to the pain in my stomach by writing about it but instead deal with the emotion of one of brain's memories.  Just one...  and we'll see if I can't work some of this out in a way that doesn't involve either my mental collapse or my sleeping in the bathroom for the night (Damn near impossible for me)

~*~

So tonight lets talk about my mother, her life, love, and death. (which brings an immediate silence from them both)

Let me start by saying I love my mother.  I say that because right now and since January of this year I feel so "removed" from her.  It's almost like a disconnect.  Like the feelings I have are wrapped in fuzzy memories and I can't see past that to the core of them but I know they're there.  I'm standing out side trying to look in not crying, or angry, or well... anything; just disconnected.  So I'm re-affirming by word what I think shock has robbed me of; my ability to feel emotion about her.

And here is where I pause again because I dont know what to say.

After her death just 8 short months ago I was going through some things.  And in my mother's things I found a book.  It was one of those planner type things, travel size, that she had taken with her on some cruise.  During this cruise she had made some notes on a few pages (She really was never good at documenting) about what she was seeing, some of the notes were quite funny "Saw _____ today; not worth it".  But one of the notes that caught my eye and brought me to tears was "swam in the pool today, it's beautiful here.  I wish Susan was here, I miss her".  That's all that was it, one line and upon seeing it I immediately burst into tears. I kept that planner even just for the few pages she wrote in it.

My mother loved me.  I know this because of her actions.  I don't really think she ever understood me. I want to believe she tried to.  Her friends would probably tell me she did try to, but I never saw her try to.  She just tolerated listening to what I had to say.  That's how I felt.  Towards the end I didn't spend much time sharing my life with her.  I talked to her about how my job was going, how little money I was spending, how well the theater group I run was going. And then I listened to her talk about what religious things she was doing or luncheon for the church she was going to etc.  It was all quite pleasant (on visits where this was all we did).  I usually left her after a visit like this after about an hour.  I remember one such visit where I went to leave; she couldn't get up from the armchair to walk me out or close up behind me.  So as I turned from the door to say goodbye I remember how frail she looked and an immense wave of sadness washed over me. I felt like I should have stayed there that maybe she was lonely, but I would have had no clue what to talk to her about and I did have things to do and watching her vhs tapes of murder she wrote wasn't one of them.

The shock part of things I think happened when she died.  I think shock kind of took over barging its way into my life, taking all the bad things I felt about her passing, and collecting them (quite like a garbage man) and securing them in a holding center to be destroyed. The whole week before her death was kind of a blur. I was going between hospital visits to her, chemo for me, and caregivers in my house to take care of me and hopefully keep ME out of the hospital because of my suppressed immune system.  But when the nurse told me the day she died, that I should come... now.  I wasn't prepared.

I had seen this woman single handedly in the 70's without a husband adopt two young girls from broken homes and raise them. I had seen her work hard, sometimes 3 jobs to make sure we had what we needed.  I had seen her completely and utterly take on renovations in our house by herself, in order to move us out to a good suburb where we might have better opportunities.  And when I looked at the skeleton sitting in the hospital bed I was reminded of those things. But still, even in the face of certain death, I hoped for a miracle.

I was reminded of how when I was so young I had a temperature so high that I had to sit in a tub of ice and they couldn't even drive me to the ER until the fever came down and she handled that. How when the school system where I lived terrorized her children she came, raining down like the wrath of god, on them including the priests in a catholic school.  How at 17 when I called her shaking, with the most horrible news a mother could hear about her daughter, that she immediately came and helped me do what I needed to do.  How she carried me when I had cancer, making sure I could walk even when I couldn't feel my legs.

The day she died, my cousins were there and kept me chatting.  I sat next to my mothers hospital bed wrapped in a mock hasmat suit, with my caregiver on the other side. Finally the room emptied and I could be alone with her.  She hadn't woken up to look at me like she did a few days earlier when she stared at me.  It was eerie, it was almost like she knew.... so her gaze that day never wavered and when I told her I loved her she grunted (it was all she could do) every time I said it.

So on this, her final day when she didn't wake, I stroked her hand and apologized to her.  I told her I was sorry for ... everything.  I told her if she was being called to go... to join my sister Pam, her mother Dixie that I didn't want her to suffer.  She never opened her eyes. I'm not sure she was even there, but I think she heard me.  The room got busy again, with a steady stream of visitors to say their goodbyes.  Do you know even then I still hoped for a miracle? And at 7:30pm while I was talking with my cousin and my caregiver, she simply stopped breathing.  I looked over at her and I'll never forget the moment. Of all the things I'm "muddy" about this isn't one of them.

She almost deflated a bit and I kind of felt her leave.  There was no harmonious choir of angels and thankfully, no death rattle either; just a leaving.  It was as if the space on the bed where her body was and the space just above her bed just... emptied. It was then that I began to cry, deep wracking tears.  These tears were the kind that are created deep in your heart and delivered straight from the hole that's been freshly created in your heart.  They well up in immense blue silver drops that languish along your eyes until they spill over in a seemingly endless cascade.  I was vaguely aware of some kind of wailing sound and further aware that it was coming from me but I could not stop it if I tried.  

Shock walked in then and took over.  The last thing I remember was that I didn't know what to do next. I just knew the woman who gave me everything and saved me several times over, was gone. Life since then has been a blur.  There have been high points and some pretty low ones but through it all I'm still in shock I think over ALL of it.  I'm still not sure what to do next.  So I'll just keep doing.... life. And maybe someday shock will leave me and I can become re-acquainted with the wailer and let her out so she can let out her wails and heal. Maybe my brain has that memory saved for me too.

Reflections on Love

As someone who tasted the sweet wine of what I thought was love before and realized it came with a very bitter pill at the end....  I've a few things to say on the subject of love.

I once was a romantic.  I dreamed of a man who would somehow weave his way into my heart with both charm and vitality.  A man who would speak to my mind and whisper secrets of the beauty inside that he saw.  Someone who would respect that I was strong and shelter me when I was not.  Someone who would hold my hand through the storm and catch me if I fell.  This man, in his unwavering way would peel away all the layers of what was a broken heart and diligently show me the mirror image of myself in his eyes as he looked on each tear I've shed and loved me more for having them.

It's a beautiful image this one.

The world for most of us has a tinge of jade to it.  We've played with the marbles and cards and for some of us realize there is nothing more than this.  We live, we work, we find some happiness we may even think we love... but this is all.

Then out of the blue, amid all the constant repetitions of "I dont need love", the firm belief that love would interrupt our "PLAN" or change us into some raving lunatic....It happens.

And suddenly the film of our life gets more colorful.  Flowers smell divine instead of just nice.  Problems are never insurmountable and handled with a smile. And even the most insurmountable... death can be thwarted by the power of this love.

I was heading down this road.  I had lived alone successfully for a long enough time after my divorce that really I was ok.  I made a few bad decisions in my heart but i was otherwise ok.  I knew how to find joy and I could find whatever I wanted on MY terms.  My mother was getting older but still somewhat spry.  I was successful in my job (though I hated my job).

And in he walked...and my world turned upside down.

They say fate or divinity works in mysterious ways and sometimes the two intertwine.  I think this was just such an occasion. I wasn't even prepared for it.  And when the flowers all of a sudden bloomed brighter, richer, larger than before even then I wasn't aware.  But when food suddenly tasted better and the energy of my youth came to me and said "Go ahead try that new thing it's ok" I started to realize something was different.

Just when I realized, and started to open up to this love unlike any love I'd ever felt my world crashed down all around me.  My mother got worse very quickly and I got very sick nearly overnight ALL AT ONCE. I was literally treading water in a sea of sharks because the pier I had been standing on not only dropped out from under me, it just disappeared.  And into the deep I fell.

My sickness was pretty bad.  My mothers....worse.  What began for both of us in October of last year continued into this year.  In January we lost her while I was deep in the throes of my illness. This man who brought his heart to mine, stood by me the whole time. He became my beacon, my anchor, my rock.  He was there during chemo, during hospital stays where we weren't sure I was going to make it, during funerals, emotional upheavals, more bad news, staggering weight gain from meds, worsening states of health from the disease... He built a pier of love right under me while I flailed about in fear and reassured me that no matter what, it would be ok.  I mean I could go on and on but now I'm so filled with emotion that I can't see the screen.

The point of all of these words, is he stayed. He came and brought my world to a completely different place. He took fear and panic and gently massaged them away with love and helped me to even laugh on occasion. And when others like my family, my friends, pretty much everyone, left me; he stayed. He held my hand.  He held my heart. He wiped my tears away and shared in them too. He cradled my soul when it fractured under the weight of it all.  And when I could have died, he held me close to his heart and simply told me how much he loved me.  He shook his fist in the face of all of this and somehow perhaps through sheer will alone, helped me survive.

So many years ago 1993 to be exact, I said I do to someone.  I don't regret saying I do, or subsequently saying I don't 10 years later. Because in the very thin wisps of the threads created by divinity that bind us in life; those which began so long ago is where this love started.  He didn't know it then, we didn't know it then; but now on that same day 23 years later in a place only a handful share with us; we created our own memory and came home. And on that same day this year we share in that memory again this time physically in our home now, together.

I'm no expert on love.  I've lost more than I've loved and I've been deeply hurt; the scars of which sometimes still ache.  But for the first time in my life starting a few years ago now if I'm being honest; I can finally say I really do know what love is.  Love is unconditional (yes it really is), love is transparent (always), love is making someone smile, and when life is difficult being sure to love with all your heart even and absolutely always in the face of adversity.

I know this writing isn't my best but if there is only one thing you get from reading it....   It is that I love you with every cell of my being, with my soul, with every thought, every smile and every tear. I love you.  Lets plant our roses and walk our path together because that's our home.

Our dance last year in the Golden Touch Theater production "Reflections" a piece so dear to my heart.

LLFH-The Fireplace

My love,

I’ve said those words a thousand times and never known what they meant until there was you. Every moment this pen dipped in the ink and shared its emotion it was just a shadow of what really was.  Scratched on the surface in shades of grey without the brilliance of color. 

Today I sit in front of the massive fireplace that brightens our nights and warms our flesh. The rich and warm colors of the curved, carved wood seem to generate the warmth they’ve inherited from our evenings together. As I trace my fingers over the wood surface memories spring to life under my fingertips.

I remember a night not too long ago and yet it seems like a lifetime ago where we discussed the very real and terrifying prospect of the health issues that plague me. The night shivered in the cold of the fear around us and you, desperate to warm me kept me close to your heart holding me, whispering to me.  This fireplace bore witness that night to the explosive growth of our hearts, how in a moment of fear we shared a moment of deepening love.  That somehow our love found another passageway deeper into our souls and we dove in together hand in hand.

I shiver at that memory because it reminds me of how much love we have. It tells me when I remember it how we went from lovers, to so much more if that were even possible. How you held me, whispering to me that it would be OK, that you would be here, would never leave.  I clung to those words my love, they were my lifeline in what you didn’t know was an encroaching darkness.  They were the singular glow in my life holding me up sustaining me, holding me, sometimes even carrying me.

In the nights to follow, and the months now we sat in front of this fireplace telling each other of our love, pushing the darkness away by our voices, and our light shared. The darkness tried so hard every night to claim what it wanted but it never succeeded; because you, because of us, because of our love.

Those words and actions have become my permanent beacon leading me always to you. Even now when I sit here alone thinking of you I feel you here.  Because I hear you.  I can hear those words as if they were whispered just now, and I touch my ear swearing your lips grazed my skin…

Love makes no sense my beloved, but in my life where I have wandered, wondered and doubted; it finally makes sense to me because it’s you. I throw another log on the fire making sure it burns warmly waiting for your presence.  Because every night we are together even when we’re apart; and my heart will for the rest of my life, welcome you home.  My beloved, my protector, defender, angel, love, lover and best friend.  You are my everything, you are truly “My Love”.

Forever your Muse in all worlds,

Cal

This is 45

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I came here to write and as usual my mind went blank.  But just then my eyes flicked over to my other monitor to where an image that inspires me resides.  And suddenly I knew what I wanted to write about...

From a post I put on facebook 9-4-16:

I've spent the better part of 25 years beating myself up because I didn't have this, or look like that.... It's a sad sad world we live in that even still in this day and age a woman's worth is dictated by how she looks, or how well she ages. No I don't speak globally I have no message for "the world" but I speak today just for me. I give up the arguments of the past, the thoughts that held me down as to my appearance. I appreciate all those who tried to tell me I was ok before, but I couldn't listen. I was too weighed down by the ghosts of others thoughts. This month I turn 45 and I think this might be a good year for me. Love me, or don't but I'm finally beginning to love myself. That's all that matters really (and if we ever figure out time travel i'm going to tell that to my 18 year old self). A special thanks to one person in particular for letting me see through their eyes. Sometimes that is all we need. **hugs**

Yea.... that.  There is a person out there who has decided that he wants to be with me.  That despite my best efforts to sway him otherwise with my terror stories of all my faults and deficiencies that the whole package makes up a person that he loves, adores, wants to be with.  And when I realize somewhere along the journey we've been on that I want to be with him too I begin to see the thread that binds us.  That so many years ago began with a chance meeting, and kept us in the same circles all these years until the time was right to pull us together.

It seems that later in life, divinity has found a way to provide some peace or love to me. My goodness I've been through a lot (so have many), but to come through it on the other side relatively unscathed and with love as well?  I'm amazed by it.

I wanted to write some great tale packed with all the wisdom that I've accumulated over the years.  I wanted to say some brilliant thing that when someone comes here and reads they're bowled over by the profound understanding my words have given them. I wanted to pour my soul out and let people see inside so if they needed to see something real they could.

But all I can manage tonight is a thank you.  Thank you to the person who loves me without question, sees me as I am, and for who I am...and doesn't run away. The one who makes my heart sing and my spirit soar.  The one who looks at me with such passion that I'm left feeling naked and vulnerable and loved and warm all at once.  Thank you for giving me my life back.  For giving me my heart and for climbing right in there and sharing that space with me in all worlds...and for being here on my birthday; The best birthday ever... 

I love you so. 

(and as per my usual, the birthday pic... )

Sun - for Deb Loughlin

Today is a mixed emotions day. 

I know a wonderful man.  I used to work for him.  His name is Marty.  He has a beautiful family: a wife, and wonderful kids.  4 years ago, his wife was diagnosed with cancer.  He became her advocate.  Then when their son was also diagnosed with cancer, he became their champion. Together as a family, they fought bravely and passionately.  They grew in their faith, their bond deepening. 

I knew Deb through Marty. I knew her to be full of smiles and joy. I knew her love for her family was never ending and her faith abundant. 

Today, she left this world.

The news caught me at work. I never thought that this day would come with her passion, fighting, and faith. So the news had me reeling. I was left very sad for Marty and his family, who, even despite this profound loss, are posting of the joy she was in their lives. Their testament is beautiful to witness. 

Today I cry sad tears for the immense loss the world suffers. To know a woman like Deb even vicariously is to know sheer and utter joy. To miss that joy leaves an infinite well of sadness I can't quite explain.  But I know that her words touched me.  Her light, smiles, faith, willingness to fight, and grace through such hardship touched me. The human spirit is tenacious and the heart limitless.  

I never had the pleasure of being her friend or knowing her deeply like others, but I mourn the loss of her light.  The world would be far better if people lived and loved like this family.

Some of you know I do Virtual Theater.  The Golden Touch has been my safety and comfort in a very harsh world. Through my work here and with charitable organizations like Relay for Life, I've learned what it means to love with no limits. This is a lesson Deb shared with me through her words, through Marty, and through her joy. She touched me without ever seeing me, and I am forever blessed for having known her.

My prayers and love to her family, friends, extended friends, and strangers united through her.  We are all connected.  

Enjoying Life...

Tentatively I've started writing again.  Recently I've had some inspiration and help in this endeavor.  As the picture shows, everyday when I open a new tab on my browser I'm presented with a beautiful image, and an opportunity to put what I want to focus on for the day.  Today, I chose "Enjoying the day".

Sometimes I come here and work out my darkness.  Sometimes even when I intend to be the bearer of light those little whispers of what lurks in the corners of my mind sneak out and I look and the whole post is about some anxiety or drama.

Not today.

Today I slept in until well after 8am, having slept the whole night through.  I haven't done that in ages. I woke to the sound of a name on my lips and to love in my heart.  My mind woke up energized and ready to begin creating.  I woke up without pain, without fear, without dread.  And I realized that this has been the way of things lately.  And I am grateful for it.

For a month now I've wanted to come here and post how joy in my life has manifested itself.  But in the way that overwhelming emotion will do, I come here and stare at a blank page hoping my hand can accurately paint what's in my heart.  And my hand is not so expressive at art as my heart is... so the page remained blank.  But my heart sang and remained full.

What joy there is to be had.

To have the simple pleasure of sleep embrace me and surround me.  To have love in every cell of my being.  To give love to everyone I meet because for the first time in a very long time my heart is overflowing.  To have no expectations of deeds, perfection, or lofty goals....  To just "BE" is an exquisite treat.

Love can be a beautiful thing.  I think we, as a society, have grown afraid of it's expression.  Because in that there is a naked honesty that leaves us vulnerable.  But I am not afraid.  That's not to say I haven't felt the nagging fears that have been my companion all my life whispering at my ear.  But those are fears of me, of my body, of my experiences, not of sharing love.  The love that is offered is so genuine even those whispers stand in quiet awe of that pure expression I receive daily in my heart.

I have no plans.  There is no rush to "end game", there is just this moment.  And when I woke this morning fully in the moment, I realized I have been blessed.  And like a child whose mind begins to soak up all the goodness without the fear that chokes so many, I let myself revel in it.  I played in the field of emotion laid before me.  I sang silly songs and found silly pictures gushing with loves profession.  And when I realized tomorrow is my birthday I came here immediately to say to you all....   Life is good.  And even if this is just for a day or a month or whatever; it is good.  I accept it and I reciprocate.

I love.

This is 44

When I want to write, nothing comes; when I have no time to write I am inundated with all the things I would say.  Eloquent phrases and literary works of art spring to mind to torment me knowing I have no outlet to express them.  At least not at that minute.

I visited a site today that I've been on for 12 years now (holy crap!).  It's called Allpoetry.  And since 2003 I've been posting poems there.  Granted I've been absent for a few years here and there but I always go back.  I was quite prolific back in the day.  I don't find the time/energy/look a new shiney!/writers block gets me/space to write as much anymore.

But I wanted to today.  And I fear even this post, on paper as it were, will be lacking the creative perfection that these same words seem to carry as they careen about in my head.

Two years ago, I took a picture or two or 10 displaying for all who would see what my version of 42 looked like.  No, I wont post them here.  I'm not going to take pictures this year.  In fact I have no CLUE what I'm going to do to ring in 44.  It's not a particularly special number now is it?  It's not even halfway to the big 5-0.  But you know, I never really celebrate my birthday anyway.  I learned early on that it really didn't matter (and not because it didn't matter but because people never showed).  It wasn't until I met people online who showed me the importance of the day of my birth. I've yet to bring that special feel, here outside, in reality.

Jesus I sound so melancholy.  *erases everything*

Right fuck that age crap.  yes I'm turning 44 but god damn do I feel good!

I still suffer depression
I still suck at getting in touch with people who are not online
I still suck at sitting down and writing that damn novel
I'm still overweight (which really sucks honestly)

But I have love.

^ Yea that.  So what could be wrong? Right here in this moment, where I sit typing away at my computer there isn't a damn thing wrong. I'm not melancholy, I'm not angry, I'm actually happy.

So all you guys get is my random sputterings, but hopefully you get the message.  All is well, and I have love.  And that is the single most important thing to me.  (Well that and bacon...)

Unfriend...

We've all done it.  We've all been careless with our words because we were hurting.  Sometimes we maybe didn't even have control over it.  It hurts worst when you were on the precipice of trusting someone.  Sure, some may say "better to know now" but sometimes the opening of the door is almost as hard as stepping through.  Just the fact that the door was opened was trust enough, and when hurt makes people act mean it hurts even at the beginning.

Anger is a healthy emotion.  Our world tells us to stifle it.  We're so PC that we have lost touch with the reality of our feelings.  Anger burns bright and if tended to right away burns quickly like a match. Once expressed it fizzles and has no spark left and cannot burn again without external sources.

I recently trusted someone.  I let them inside.  I did (if I'm being honest with myself) have a thought or two about the longevity... but I ignored it.  Recently despite being honorable and honest at all times, the dynamic ended.  And since then words have been bantered about.  They've been cold, and directed with precision at me.

I was sad for a brief period of time, then I got angry.  How dare you say these things?  How dare you be sanctimonious and play the victim when there was no WRONG done.

Hurt sucks, I get it.  But...

Once that match of anger fizzled out, I saw things more clearly.  I saw that I simply had a choice... so I choose not to bow down to hurtful words.  I choose not to keep that connection and so I let it go. Because the hurt that is being expressed is not mine.  I am not hurt.  I am sad and disappointed for lost possibilities; but I am not hurt.

Perhaps in time the hurt that is perceived can be released by this person and they can find joy.  But in my choices I've chosen also to not be a part of that life and so I'll never know.  But I can send wishes and good intentions.  Because they need it, and because it's right.

And because I deserve better.

Getting old sucks...

It comes in random spurts.  This emotion that tears me up.  When faced with the vastness of nothing but negative emotions, I see I reach out to read.  When the comforts of the online world no longer comfort, and the voices of those I would call friend...grate; I disconnect.  But the world I've become accustomed to is my home.  So when faced with pure solitude, the kind that scratches at your head reminding you in the form of a headache that you're supposed to be elsewhere doing something.... else; I come here. 

I posted over a year ago last.  Tonight I'm angry, I know why and I can't do a thing about it.  It's an anger I carry around with me like a backpack reminding me of it's weight every time I breathe.  It affects EVERYTHING.  I haven't written in forever.  I haven't posted here in over a year.  Hell I dont even sing anymore.  I'm reminded of that every time I have nights like this and these are as of late, the only constant in my life. 

Blogging was such a "thing".  It seems so passe now.  With Twitter, facebook, god only knows what other kinds of social apps the written word is as archaic as actually picking up a pen and some paper and writing.  

These pages seem very empty.  Like coming to a run down library and finding a few scattered books and sheets of loose paper skittering about in the dust left over from years of neglect.  You wander around them reading and wondering if any of it mattered?  No one comes anymore.  I know why, but still you kind of wonder if anyone just ... peeks. maybe.

So tonight I'm rambling on in a blog I haven't visited in at least half a year.  Because no one cares, no one visits and honestly that's just the way it is.

But there's always that hope that maybe someone, perhaps someone who read frequently years ago when you couldn't shut me up and I posted everyday, might stop by and say "Holy Shit! She posted again".  Maybe even that person might just forgo the usual sarcastic "Hey it's anonymous so I can just tear it up because it's the internet" and actually care for a minute.  Might actually wonder for just a second about the plight of another human soul somewhere else.

But I am one person.  One speck of light that grows dim, and as nights like these tear at my soul reminding me how screwed up things are, I see that light getting dimmer.  So I write in the hopes I'll feel better.  And a little in the hopes that someone shares in this writing as fucked up as it is.  

But it will be what it will be and tonight will wind up being shelved in the archives as another night in my life where I really didn't live.  I just ...was.

Acceptance: the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable; a 20 year chapter in my life

Ten years ago today, I walked into a courthouse, I sat down on a hard wood bench, and in 5 minutes I was free of the bond that 10 years prior I had made.  It happened so fast I didn't have a moment to contemplate fully the loss that had just been wiped away so easily.

10 years later, I've come to accept the loss of such things like: youth, trust, love, hope, dreams as they pertained to my young 21 year old mine back in September of 1993 when I said "I do".  Now in my 40's the bitterness that clung to me for three years after that day in 2003 has faded.  Indeed the scars have even healed on my heart.  I look back today with a quiet kind of understanding.  I see the three faces of the woman I was, at each stage of this chapter in my life.  Reflected in the mirror is the vibrant face of my youth, followed by the more mature face of adulthood, and now the woman who might just be a bit wiser and accepting.

Marriage is a commitment that should be taken seriously.  I'm not about to talk about the way society views it currently... but from my view as serious as I thought I took it, I didn't understand it fully.  Even still, now 20 years after I said "I do", and 10 years after I said "no, I don't" I realize the enormous weight that commitment and subsequent divorce has had.  All I can say now is, I accept it.  I accept this is what happened.  I accept the part in it, where I held fault.  I accept the pain and let it go.  I accept the hole that it left in my heart, which over time has gotten smaller, but still remains.  And I accept that the day I kissed the fairy tale goodbye was the day I threw out the dress of white.

But... I still believe and hope that someday perhaps, I'll be allowed to show my heart that I learned the lessons of forgiveness and acceptance (even of self).  And thus I'll be ready to share love and life again.  Hope, it's a beautiful thing...I accept that into my life too.

Gravity

Day One - My willpower is greater than that of my bad habits

I've made the decision to (finally for the second time in my life) to quit smoking. I've set the quit date as today no later than 6pm, or as soon as I finish my last pack (but TODAY regardless by 6pm even if i dont finish this last pack). I spent the money i would have used to buy a carton of cigarettes to buy a number of homeopathic herbs to help alleviate my key stress points during this. And I've been taking those herbs since yesterday.

Any of you that know me outside of this blog know that the same method I'm using today, worked for me back in 2001. For two weeks prior to my quit date, I had a mantra I said every moment I thought of it and I was on the same herbal remedy that I'm on today. I quit back then cold turkey and it "seemed" easy. I stayed off the cigarettes for 5 years.

Then I got cancer. (sounds messed up doesn't it?).

As you can read from these blog posts, I've survived the cancer but the stress of it, the absolute jarring awakening of having had cancer (and survived) coupled with everyone I knew smoking, led me to pick up a cigarette on thankgiving 2007. I've been stuck ever since. I've officially been smoking today for longer than I had quit :( Life has given me a series of ups and downs since 2006 and I just couldn't shake the habit.

Two days ago at my job I had a rather humiliating experience that led me to really take a hard look at my life. I knew out of that experience I had to do something. Pick one thing of the three major things I know I need to do and work on it. baby steps....

And here we are. Quitting smoking was the first choice of the major things I need to do and I've approached it with much zeal. But here we are early on the day of my quitting and already those nicotine induced questions are coming "Are you SURE you want to do this?" "What will you do when that craving hits, you NEED smoking".

Neither of those statements is true. And seeing them already coming before that first nicotine fit has even hit me, I decided to read online about some tools to help me quit and lo and behold writing was one of them. I haven't written in this blog with any seriousness in a long time. I have likely lost any and all readers (those few wonderful people who came to read) which makes this the perfect place to post with complete honesty what I'm doing. Also not just to let my family know, but now anyone that does come to read knows my plan too.

While I still struggle with the demons of my previous cancer, blogging about it daily helped (so did the responses I received from people... I am grateful to this day that people came and read). While I may not receive comments on this journey, I still post it here in the event that anyone going through the same thing knows they're not alone.

So we come full circle. Day One - My willpower is greater than that of my bad habits.

For anyone interested the things I'm doing are the following:
~I've set up reminders/appointments to help me be accountable in my phone.
~I take Vitamin C (1000mg) every morning
~St. Johns Wort 3 times per day
~Ginko Biloba 2 times per day
~Melatonin once per night

The Vitamin C is a huge immune system boost to help keep me from getting sick when my body purges the crap from smoking. The St. Johns Wort is for mood balancing and some appetite suppression. The ginko is to help with memory, the melatonin is to help regulate my sleep (and get me TO sleep). I've also set up daily activities mostly swimming with a balanced reward system for the first month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year. Additionally, I've committed to pulling cards, runes, or reading from a postivity deck I have and truly focusing on one thing. In fact the mantra came from my Goddess cards and was the mantra I used so long ago with success. Meditation too is something I"m going to do (daily hopefully) but at least 3 times a week to help out.

1. Succesful first week - one dvd of choice guilt free from amazon
2. Successful second week - haircut with a stylist I know wont f up my hair
3. Successful third week - two books from amazon
4. Successful fourth week - a Sushi dinner of whatever cost :P and since we'll be approaching end of september consideration of membership in a gym across the street from me that has additional wellness classes (like Tai chi) that I've wanted to try for a long time.

When I knew I was "serious" about it this time was not when I spent a boatload of money on supplements, not when I actually started taking them in earnest, but when I spent a half hour setting reminders, devising the plan and putting it down on paper... well electronic paper but then additionally I TOLD everyone.

For ME, the most important part of this post is this....The commitment to LOVE MYSELF no matter how angry I get, how sad I get, how much I may cry, and allow myself to feel those things 100%. This is part of the process and is just as important as the beginning steps.

That said, I will try to keep any post that is a rant to a clean level of ranting :P But it is here that I will arm myeslf with the final tool of writing so I am successful in quitting and to that, honesty is key.

Additional Links for any interested:
Freedom from smoking
It doesn't matter where you start... just start
WebMd; tips for the first few days
WebMd Smoking Cessation Help Center

Monday; Infusion of Calm

So I've been through another surgery. Apparently I've come through it 100% successful. (In the back of my mind, I have to ask did I really doubt? With a name like P.O.E.M. did I *really* doubt it?). The answer is no, but that doesn't mean I wasn't afraid. And boy was I.

First thanks I must give to my mother. For putting up with me for the two days I turned into a nightmare. And for saving my life many times over. Also thanks to *Victor, Azza, Moggy, D.O, T.T, A.R, A.W, N.E, C.B for thinking of me, calling me, texting me checking in on me. I didn't really think there were that many who cared. I was wrong... Thank you.
*Names are abbreviated or not real names, they know who they are the public world doesn't need to know.

So today I'm trying to plan a return to work, and well looking at things a bit differently it seems than before. I'm not smoking, which was a blessed side effect of the surgery (One I was hoping on as a fail safe since I couldn't quit smoking before the surgery). That brings me to my current living situation. I live with a smoker. It was why I couldn't quite before, I hope fervently I will not succumb once I return home.

It is clear to me changes to my life need to be made. Not just for my health physcially, but also in other ways. Realizations are opportunities for change, and I'm hoping I have the strength to face these changes well. I'm turning 40, there is no better time than now to start living. One step at a time...

"54 Earth. Music by Paul Collier. an Alpha to Delta brainwave entrainment..."

Healing begins; Breathe & Meditate with Marcome - Relaxing Soothing Music

Two days after surgery, I'm amazed at how little pain I'm in. Like a child I sit in wonder at the medicines of the world & the technologies that allow us to do such things... And at the crossroads I sit, in awe of medical technology and reflecting on the past few days. Time to dust off the meditation pillow, I have a lot to work on it appears to me.

Thanks though to friends who were there, I would have been lost without you. <3

Angel's Breath by Paul Collier; Emerging Courageous

Emerging Courageous; Walking through Your Fear

Frequently, in walking through our fear, we discover that the strength of our fright was out of sync with reality.


The situations, activities, and individuals that frighten us remain static. Their relative intensity does not change. Fear, on the other hand, self-magnifies. It is when you are afraid and envisioning all that might go wrong that the energy underlying your fear grows. A tiny flicker of anxiety can easily develop into a terror that manifests itself physically and eventually paralyzes you into inaction. Though frequently, in walking through that fear, we discover that the strength of our fright was out of synch with reality. And we learn that doing what frightens us can lead to great blessings. Confronting your trepidation head-on will help you accept that few frightening scenarios will ever live up to the negative disasters that we sometimes play out in our minds.

Though fear is literally an evolutionary gift meant to sharpen your senses and energize you during times of great stress, it can nonetheless become a barrier that prevents you from fulfilling your potential by causing you to miss out on rewarding, life-changing experiences. During the period before you face your fear, you may have to deal with a barrage of negative thoughts and emotions. Walking through it, whether your fear is public speaking, taking part in an activity that makes you nervous, or asserting yourself when the odds are against you, may be equally as difficult. But once you have emerged unscathed on the other side, which you will, you will likely wonder why you assumed the worst in the first place. As you spend time worrying about what might happen, it’s good to know that your fear probably won’t happen at all. It may feel like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders, and you will likely feel a sense of passionate pride. Walking through your fear can! mean taking risks and can require both practice and patience. Since it is challenging to act when you are gripped with fear, start small.

Each step you take into fear will strengthen you and help you confront future fears with poise, courage, and confidence. You will also find that when you are willing to stare your fear in the face, the universe will always offer you some form of aid or support. When you see the heights of accomplishment and personal evolution you can attain when you walk through your fears, your faith in yourself will grow, allowing your next step to be easier.

So true for me as of late....Tomorrow is the surgery. I dont hold hands with fear so far today, though it was my companion yesterday evening. Lets hope I can remain unafraid all day today & through tomorrow.

Adele - Someone Like You; for someone special

It's funny that the closer I get to 40 the more reflective I get.

I recently was turned on to this artist whose voice is amazing. Not only that her music is lovely. the lyrics are usually spot on and at a particularly low point in my life, I heard some of her works that truly spoke to me. Last week I hit a very very low point. As I came out of that, I heard this song and it brought back some very powerful memories and some equally powerful realizations.

Now two days before another surgery I find myself reflecting on things & again this song came up in my playlist.

Many years ago ( I can't believe how long ago now!) I met a man online. A relationship started early on and developed over time to something quite deep. There are many parts of this story but the most important is how he moved me. I don't think back when it was going on I realized just how much he moved me...

Years later, knowing his life has moved on and realizing mine in some ways has not I find this piece to be particularly inspiring. How do you describe to people what a perfectly woven piece of fabric in your life feels like? How do you explain someone knowing you so well that you discover pieces of yourself you didn't know existed while you piece the fragments of a life together?

When things ended, decision were made by me in haste that cost me dearly. I realize I made those choices. But even those pains are not so fresh as to make me hurt. They are part of a (Dare I say love Story?) story that has a beginning, middle and end. The story is steeped in seeming fairytale, promises, joy, endings, and lingering emotions.

I miss him. I miss what we had that so long ago seemed perfect. I know what would be today would be different and I know even more so as my heart aches in the memories, that it can never be.

Finally, I think I can fully let him go. I can hold onto the warm memories with not so tight a death grip. I can let him go with a bittersweet love in my heart that will never go away. While I can let him go now, I can't forget him. He gave me such joy and I will be ever grateful for that. I wish nothing but the best for him. I miss him, but I wish him joy, love & peace; and I just want to say Thank you. Thank you for staying in my heart even when I didn't think you were there. But it's ok now. I can let his memories remain memories and let the love I felt back then soar free knowing that it doesn't pain me now, to know it existed.

Be well Mr Uber; I'm here if you ever want to chat as friends. Love to you and yours

Turning Tables

“Thinking TSO was the best thing I ever did is like thinking that the roller coaster is great but really the best part about it is the exhilaration you feel when you take the ride.”

I wrote those words on my forums to all its members, back in 2004 when I was playing my first online game The Sims Online. I re-read the words I write from time to time. I steeped myself in the memories mostly good, that TSO brought me yesterday. I was looking for a post to show someone and on the way to the post in question I found myself visiting several other threads. I hadn't even remembered writing this line. But it's a good one.

Lately I've needed to find “good lines”. I turn 40 in less than a month. I will be undergoing my 4^th surgery in my life in 6 days. I've been yelled at in the past two days by a few people and had the darkest day of my life in at least 5 years yesterday. I sat in the dark staring at nothing and when I wasn't staring I was crying. I literally cried myself to sleep.

The past in some ways has some hold on me still. There are so many good memories, very many good memories... but there are bad ones too. And the bad ones, some of them sting just as much as they did when they were happening.

People can be so callous. So misguided. So hurtful.

I truly cannot understand the person who says they have love in their heart that can spew such words of hate. I have to admit I'm impressed by the artistry displayed when using words as a weapon, in an attempt to push it all back on me. Very crafty, but I refuse the blame.

I take responsibility for my mistakes, my actions and even my screw ups. It doesn't feel good but it feels better to know I am responsible. I live in my heart, I love from my heart and I'm open to many people. But I dont live in my heart & pass judgments on people from high above.

The incident in my mind revolves around so much pain that a chunk of my heart which was ripped out a long time ago still bleeds at the mention of it all. It left me in a very dark place yesterday thinking of it all. It was a dangerous place where shadows entice with dances, and death calls on me like a long lost lover whispering in my ear.

It is thanks that I give to a friend in Australia, who stayed with me, live with me on messenger while he was working just to make sure I was ok.

When I get like that there is this outpouring of my heart, my sadness. And then there is this vast emptiness. The opportunity then becomes filling that emptiness with light. But if light doesn't penetrate I am vulnerable to a relapse. Luckily light wormed its way into the dark chasing the shadows away. For a time I couldn't hear the whispers from the past. I regained my strength and smiled.

The day began to look brighter, my heart lighter. I went out (and spent entirely too much money) but enjoyed the comfort of solitude. No roommate speaking to me. No phone beeping at me. No online obligations to tend to.

And for the first time in a while I picked up a CD. I'm listening to it now (I wish I could sing, but I have a roommate so I can't let free the songbird chirping for the first time in a long time within me). The words of the woman's voice resonate so deeply with my heart that I've been hitting replay over and over as I write. It lifts me, settles me down and lets me write. I had hoped to write something creative today but one of the many ways I work out poison in my heart is through my “pen”. And so here is a musing if you will on how hurtful people can be. It's a reminder too to think of the persons feelings. To look not from a higher perspective of judgment but from a place of compassion that allows you to understand that what you did hurt someone. It doesn't matter if you think you were right or wrong, doesn't matter how much time has past but you hurt someone. And you should own up to it. An apology takes seconds.... literally and it can save years.

Words for thought.

I forgive you, for making a mistake, for betraying me; for thinking you were better than me, for continuing to hurt me, for being in a place in life where you cannot or will not see other people properly. I forgive you because I no longer have to know you. I no longer have to suffer those torments. So I wish you well, and I hope you find your way to open compassion. I hope you can see what people say and accept it as their truth. I hope you will never have to feel the pain you have caused me in your life. I forgive you.Empowered Forgiveness

My own private hell

I sit in an unfamiliar place. Where people I once knew, treat me as if I wholly offend them. I marvel at the words that come from my mouth and check, and re-check them for accuracy but nope, they're the same I would have said any day prior to today.

But today I'm in hell.

I see people's faces through glass, the wall I purposely put up to try to distance myself from them. But I have to speak to them, interact with them and so I do... falling on the foundation built years ago when I first met them. Yet, today it's different.

My own private hell, a world where communication is ineffective, thoughts are scattered as well as unorganized and the benefit of the doubt means nothing.

And I've checked in to this place, for at least a week. Wish me, or my coworkers luck that we survive. I'm thankful for really loud music today too...

The hope for Love; farewell

We are such a lazy society.

When we meet people, if they don't meet every single need we think we want (or supposedly need) in a person, we run. Where is the option to work WITH someone? Where is the dedication to learning of someone? seeing what you will or wont do over time as you GROW to love someone? Where (or when should I say) did we become so selfish that our needs, were the most important thing when considering a relationship a PARTNERSHIP; as that's what a relationship should be.

Apparently they're lost along with the art form or writing love letters and taking the time to spell out our words to each other. They're lost in the speed of the internet and the on demand lifestyle we've become so accustomed to.

Farewell to love that with it's very advent into our lives, helps us realize that we really can and even WANT to do something because we love the person and love the relationship. Gone is the awakening that happens (over time) when you realize that something you didn't think you wanted years ago, you now do...something you may not have even thought of because for so long it was "this way".

I know I'm rambling and I know most people (if any who even come here to read) don't care. But this is my formal goodbye to love and even hoping for it, let alone searching for it. I just don't care anymore because no one else does either. So be it.

Easy like Sunday morning

Today for the first day in a long time, I'm relaxed.

The move is over. I'm settling in...slowly. There are still things to be addressed but in time. I'm playing my games, watching TV and in the old school fashion of things have been writing in my Book of Light for the first time in years.

It's a beautiful day (warm weather too!) and things are just... easy.

What a beautiful day.!

To the Muse of Fear

Dear Muse of Fear,

I know you're afraid. I understand why you're afraid. But there is no reason to be afraid. The things you think are the downfall of your freedom, the cause of your insecurity, or the tide that threatens to overtake your carefully chartered ship in the sea; are simply things you made up.

Yes, I said that to you. You've a lifetime of experience that most people will never understand. You focus on the darker sides of your experience too often. You can't be blamed for it, it was the way you learned to deal with things. You thought (and yes you can remember thinking these very words can't you?) “I never want to be jaded.... so like toys abandoned in a closet I'll leave these toys of despair tucked away. And if/when I ever feel like I can't understand someone else's point of view, I will take these out and remember”. The problem was instead of remembering from a distance you perpetuated these traumas and terrors.

These have led to a life of decision based on reactions from fear. Fear masquerades quite efficiently. It is the silent charade. It's so good in fact sometimes you don't even see it.

But I knew as I watched you choose a life of freedom 7 years ago. I watched as you fought for your life, and I knew then you wanted this. That fear wouldn't be your consort permanently. So now it's time Muse of fear. It's time for you to take the reigns and continue what you began so long ago. Repeat after me...

Freedom without fear

It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to admit it. It's ok to wonder, but do not mire yourself down in fears that have no basis in reality. I'll hold your hand and we'll make those steps together.

Let's start today.

Warmly,

Sue