And the news just keeps getting worse

Today was the first oncologist visit. It wasn't anthing spectaculuar but it was informational which, I suppose is a good thing.

The bad news is this:

They want to take EVERYTHING out. This includes removal of the Uterus, Cervix, Ovaries, tubes, and some lymph nodes. According to the doctor this is the only way to be sure that we got it.

I'm not sure what his definition of sure is...

Removing all of the organs *may* mean I'll be ok. If when they remove them all they test them and there is no cancer, then hurrah I have no cancer, and need no chemo or radiation, but just check ups every 6 months.

HOWEVER, he's not sure at my weight if he can get all the lymph nodes and if even one of them is cancerous (which we wont know because pathology can't be worked on it) then I'm kind of screwed. If any that he gets are cancerous then even if they remove everything I will STILL need radiation and/or chemo.

Now it gets better. IF they remove everything I will have to go on hormone therapy for probably 10-15 years (i'm 34, younger than most who have this cancer). Which puts me at an increased risk for breast cancer.

GREAT! I must have missed the sign in sheet that said "No really take everything, and while you're at it, take my hair too, I didn't want to feel like a human or a woman anymore!"

Now for the good news:

If they take everything and what they do take isn't testing cancerous then I'm in the clear.

Yea... that's the ONLY good news.

~*~

It's hard to not be depressed over this. I know I should focus on the good news piece of this to stave off this depression, but it's hard folks... It is harder than you can imagine.

I could write a book on the wide range of emotions that come rolling through me at any given time but for now, i'll just tell you, I am very sad. This represents a loss to me that I could never have imagined, and would never have imagined without this happening.

I am grateful for the post on the utopia skye forums, informing everyone and setting up a fund of sorts for people to contribute. I am even more grateful for those who have posted, and those who have contributed.

On the financial end we're not sure if any of the hospitals we have been recommended to take medicaid, and the surgery last we were told would be about $20,ooo. I will also be out of work for 4 weeks. And of course if ongoing treatment is necessary...well... I just dont want to think about that yet.

Tonight is a rough night for me. I wish I had more light to give you all, because I could do with giving some out. For now I have a bottle of White Zinfandel calling me, and a bed that will try to give me the numbness of sleep soon. Perhaps...

Good night until tomorrow all, thanks for reading

xo