Deeply Intimate Truths for the muse on love...

Just once I’d love to meet someone who fits what I need, who’s single. I’ve been fortunate (and mostly Unfortunate) to meet some folks who are perfect, but are tied down or otherwise not in the spot I need them to be at in life, in order to be with me.

I can pass on ALL the other things I want, including education, immediate goals, etc for just… this….one…..thing.

Do I sound like I am less of a woman because I want and need a partner? That’s a myth held high by those who tell you feminism means to deny who we are as women, that it means we should deny our desire or need (in some cases) for a partner. Just as some women are born (the same as men) to do certain things, I know *I* was born to give love. I was born to not just give love, but to also share it. I want to have such a beautiful relationship that I/we can accomplish many great things. I know this is possible…

I KNOW this, because I see people who have it. Granted, only a few, but they do exist and what’s more I’ve dreamt of it. I’ve dreamt of such a great and powerful love that even when faced with death I knew no fear because I knew I had love. My soul remembers that dream with perfect clarity…

But now as I get sick, and while I wait for news of possibly cancer (let’s hope it’s not), I am sad, and sometimes bitter when I talk to people who are perfect for me, but can’t or won’t ever be with me.

Don’t say ever? Why?

The future looks bleak when you’re sad, that’s why it’s called depression. Your favorite muse suffers it quite a bit; A LOT more than I let on in this blog and unfortunately until I can get back to feeling healthy again, depression it seems has been my constant companion.

In an attempt to rid myself of some of this anguish today I am listing the things I want. Perhaps it sounds like a fairy tale or the “perfect” man/partner, but the things I’m listing here are things I’ve seen in people. REAL things followed and shown to exist to me by REAL people. It’s not a far cry to say I want this for myself.

Incidentally I removed the ability for people to post comments on this post. Why? Because I don’t want to hear that I should just be happy with what I have. I don’t want to hear “oh he’ll come along, just wait”. I don’t want to hear that I’m weak because I desire this. I am simply putting my heart (and truths) out there for those who wish to read it…If you have a comment you wish to make; I do welcome them in a place where I can read them when I’m more able to hear other people’s opinions So you can comment privately by emailing me at my email address.

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I want someone who knows how hard what I’m going through is, and will never tell me it’s a bit much EVEN if I ask him to tell me. I want him to know it will hurt my feelings if he says so. This is called compassion and etiquette. It’s called “when things are at their worst, opt for truth but kindly”. Quiet talk times when strength is present are much better suited for cold hard facts in my book. The person I speak of knows the difference of needing to do this, and the sometimes largely present reason to absolutely be truthful even when it hurts. It’s not an easy thing to do but it CAN BE DONE.

I want someone who loves me as I am right now, overweight, depressed, beautiful, sad, happy, all my physical issues, etc; but supports me in getting healthy knowing that *I* want this, not that he demands it.

I want someone who wants to sit with me for a bit when I get home and might even be foreword thinking enough to either cook for me or order in.

I want someone with a job who makes more than me, and can support me if I lost my job or were unable to work for any extended period of time.

I want someone who will argue with me when I’m being a selfish witch, and tell me when I’m wrong as they hug me and tell me they love me.

I want someone who will never cheat on me, who will even online tell people what I’ve been told by these few people I think are perfect for me, “I do not share my heart”. In a world where so many people jump from bed to bed, or heart to heart I want to know (as I’ve been shown that this exists) that I can have implicit trust in my partner. It’s not unfeasible, just ask the few that I’ve been confronted with who do this DAILY. These people love their partners so much that they only play game when they’re online and with them, they may have very close friends of the opposite sex but are NEVER crossing the line of that, always include their significant other in what they’re doing online, and do not share stories etc of their partner with their friends online.

I want someone with different hobbies, someone whose interests I can learn about… someone who will learn about mine and support mine as I would support theirs.

I want someone who understands there is an art form to dating, and it doesn’t mean jump in the sack right away.

I want someone who has respect for sex and intimacy and at the same time can still in the privacy of our space share a joke with me that is deeply sexual but doesn’t offend.

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In return I offer those exact same things back to this person. I offer ALL of those things 100%. I don’t’ expect perfection and wont turn my nose up at someone who doesn’t have EXACTLY these qualities, but having the above is a good place to start…

Please tell me you exist… please because right now, ESPECIALLY right now I’m feeling terribly alone in this department and as more time goes on, I’m beginning to be bitter… Mom hugs, and friend hugs just aren’t enough, please bring this partner into my life or make it known that they should be in my life in that capacity if they’re already known to me.

Please…