Day 4; Thoughts & Expressions...

Alice came to a fork in the road."Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."~Lewis Carroll
Today's Affirmation
Love is the direction I am heading in.

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. ~Rabindranath Tagore

March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path.  ~Kahlil Gibran
Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.  ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

~*~*~*~*~*~
The mornings are the worst.  That’s the time when I wake up, look around my apartment, and know that I am broken.  Like Cancer, Baby says in her post “That your body doesn’t work like everyone else’s”. (“But then I saw the donkey” –Cancer, Baby ) Then the day gets busy and life takes a hold of you.  You take a shower, you drive to work numbly, and you watch the scenery go by without ever having seen a single tree…  The whole time the thought in my head the only coherent one really, is: Cancer.

Then I get a phone call from a wonderful friend in Australia who lets me talk about anything I want.  He lets me talk of death as if it were the real possibility that it *could* be.  He lets me switch from topic to topic downshifting, turning, careening out of conversational control and he navigates that, weathering the haphazard movement like a pro. And when I’m on the phone with him, the word Cancer, the neon blinking sign I have noticed is now stamped on my forehead suddenly stops blinking; And maybe over the course of our conversation, one or two of the bulbs burn out.  It’s been four days and I envision through his talking with me that perhaps the “cer” of the word is almost burnt out forming the word that everyone wants me to see “Can”.  I CAN survive this, I CAN go on, I CAN think positive.  It’s a slow process.  But maybe it can happen.  Thank you Aussie_male for making my mornings more of a trip of reality then the jarring trip of “Cancer recognition”.  I know it costs you money to do this, calling me everyday, but I am grateful for your conversation and friendship.  

The hardest part about this for me today, right now, this moment, is that I’ve had to fight since I’ve been diagnosed to get anyone to help treat me.  The oncologist I was referred to had the nurse from hell who told me in no uncertain terms (as she put me on speakerphone in her busy office, demeaning my call by removing my privacy) that I was just a piece of shit because I didn’t have insurance.  DESPITE my telling them I would pay it all upfront.  

It’s been a four day battle through hell to help people who are SUPPOSED to want to help heal me to do their jobs.  In the end, through persistence and help at the regular gynecologist’s office who diagnosed me, I finally got another referral.  I called them at 3:30pm yesterday afternoon and after being put on hold for a few minutes was told they would REARANGE their schedule to see me today at 2:15.  I’d have been happy to wait a few days, but I’m grateful for the feel of importance that this should convey.  So today is my first oncologist visit where they will get my history, possibly examine me (I don’t’ know really) and try to determine what surgery may be needed.  I will be consulting with another doctor simply for the second opinion as well but this will be fast.  

Everyday my abdomen hurts.  Sometimes it feels as if my ovaries are the drumsticks being used in a heavy metal band, pulsing out the tunes that only people would dance to in a mosh pit.  Other times they talk to me in pulsing whispers as if someone were gently squeezing them making me aware of their existence.  Today my insides are constantly crying out for attention, even getting my back involved in the process.

Long before I knew I would join the ranks of the folks who have cancer, and lose my naivety… Someone turned me onto a blog written by a woman known only as Cancer, Baby.  I read her blog from start to finish.  She is an excellent writer performing her stories of reality with the ease of a natural speaker in her words.  I’ve read her blog many times even though she died in May of this year, succumbing to her cancer after a valiant fight.  

Now that I have cancer, I can see so many of the things she spoke of happening around me.  The death look people get in their eyes when they hear you have cancer; the indifference by some people who don’t know how to deal with it.  And surprisingly the lack of caring by the medical folks who are supposed to care for you but are so burnt out from it all that sometimes they just can’t.  I will refer to her posts many times over.

With respect to my recent statements of my insides crying for attention I would refer you to a rather humorous if not darkly humorous piece written by Cancer, Baby about her organs.  I now realize that when I read this the first time, not only was it funny, but reading it now, it is so very true.

“They won’t leave me alone” – Cancer, Baby

I’ll keep you posted on the doctor’s visit.  Thanks for the emails and well wishes.  I LOVE to get them so don’t ever hesitate to send them.  Take every opportunity folks to tell people you love them…

You are a blessing to me today and everyday.  I love you all

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

Today I wish that you have a bright day no matter the weather.  I hope that you can look in your heart whenever you need it and see me there, because that’s where I reside; in the realms of your heart.  So, no matter how far away we are, I will be with you always.  You just have to look.  

XO

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. ~Carl jung