Testing 1...2...3...

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." ~Benjamin Franklin

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The above quote was so apropos for today. The results of my bloodwork came in yesterday. I debated about posting them because while they did see SOMETHING on them, they are still inconclusive. I have to have more testing to find out what's going on.

Basically my Thyroid is ok, but my white blood cell count is nearly three times higher than normal. This is not a good sign. Typically it means there is an infection of some sort, though with a white blood cell count and Neutraophil count to corroborate an infection, it seems likely that an infection that high would be noticeable. I am going for more testing on 8-16 to find out what the infection is and hopefully take care of it.

As I was cautioned, the infection can be something as simple as an internal one that pills would take care of. I was also conversly cautioned that it could be serious but they just dont know yet. I hate the precarious position doctors are put in. How much do you really let on? Too much and you have a patient that panicks (enter me....) too little and someone may blow the whole thing off as not important.

At this point my runaway train of thoughts has gone completely careening off the track of normalcy and I've had to call several friends of mine to just tell me to "Take a step back and relax". Which, I have done... but it still sits gnawing at the back of my mind that something is wrong.

One of the things I know from psychology is that if you are unprotected when you work with a person with a terminal illness, one of the likely things you'll go through is the fear of contracting those things yourself. Even psychologically based and with no scientific fact to go on you can feel as if every ailment can turn into whatever it was the person you worked with had.

Allow me to explain. Before Jessie passed away or shortly thereafter (I can't remember which now). I had some throat and ear infections. They were consistent, painful and not fun. I went to an ENT and he checked me said I was ok and was ready to dismiss me. I asked him if he could check for cancer and he looked at me funny, but he obliged ("surely if you like, you have insurance!"). They did a scope and some other tests and came back with an all clear. No cancer. I didn't realize until I burst into tears right there in the doctors office just "how" afraid I was that I would somehow through my involvement with Kathy (my friend who died of cancer, before Jessie) or Jessie or any one of the many people I've dealt with on several occasions who had cancer, that I would somehow get it. That's not to say that I wont ever get it, but realistically it wont be because of my involvement with them (see what I mean about irrational... it's all documented psychologically, but we still fall prey to it). I can remember shaing back then with Al (Jessie's husband) of my experience and he related the same type thing happening to him. It was good to know I wasn't alone in that.

So now we fast forward to today. Now my mind, that runaway train, again just refuses much like a petulant child, to be righted on the proper tracks.

I go back on 8-16 for more testing, then I have something else scheduled on 8-23. Hopefully these visits will establish (to the very pricey tune of over $3,000) that I am horribly overweight, but remarkably healthy. And that my imagination is alive and well... And hopefully these visits will set my train back on track because going off road with the engines screaming, makes my heart race (never a good thing). And when the road doesn't rise up to meet you but flies by in a blur as you careen out of control is a frightening thing.

Each day at a time until I know more, I will refuse to be led into darkness even if I can't get off this train. So today and everyday I will wish for your health, happiness, and joy to be at it's peak, even more so than normal. Because in the love of others we find peace for ourselves, I truly believe that.

XO
~Muse

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WELL WISHES, BLESSINGS, and INTENTIONS

A Celtic Prayer
Deep peace of the running waves to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you.

May you have a BEAUTIFUL day! Turn your face to the sun and wrap your arms around yourselves. This is my hug to you ;)

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AND REMEMBER

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.
~Reinhold Niebuhr