Come on in... the writing's just fine :P

Remember that you are the center of many people’s lives; some that you haven’t even met. YOU give them inspiration; love yourself for this gift that you give freely. ~(Mr. Uber)

Breathe…Exhale ~(Mrs. Fashionista)

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I've learned that whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." ~ (Helen Keller)

*****
In January of this year, I decided I was going to write more positively. It’s not always an easy thing to do, but I set about it with every intent of success. In light of that, I had people submit affirmations, or statements of positivity to me and everyday I would literally pull one or two or more out of a bag and post them as my blog entry. Sometimes they were things like “Today, write a poem about ….”. Most days they were just things about how much people care about me, or to remember the things about me that are special. What’s important abut this is the contributions I received from people. I have 5 pages full of affirmations that friends have submitted to me. I’ve strayed away from that when I was working on Digital Soup Online as the light of that project was what I needed to sustain me for a bit, but I have since realized that I truly miss this in the mornings. So I began again today. The three listed above are what I pulled.

My thanks to Mr. Uber and Mrs. Fashionista for their comments (listed above). I’m reminded today just how much the power of one person’s thoughts can penetrate the daily routine and make it glimmer with magic. Thank you.

(I am still taking affirmation submissions if you wish… I would love to post yours if you like. To submit, simply email me and list your name as you would wish others to see it. Everyday I will post this tidbit that you have provided if it is chosen in the morning. I randomly draw them from a bag of many. I’ve seen blogs that chronicle hate letters and ways for people to express their upset with life. I agree people should express themselves, but I think we can provide light too and I think you can join in if you like *smile*)

*****
I didn’t post a mothers day post. Why you may ask? Because there is no way I can list the way I feel for my mother. Not only that, but I’ve read so many fabulous posts from people like Kelli and many others whose mothers day posts made me cry that were so infused with such love that there is no way I could compete (I know it’s not a competition, but with such love being expressed so wonderfully, I was just so moved). Thank you for the wonderful weekend reading about your mothers. It was delightful to share that with you.

*****
And on a serious note, I read the House of Prince blog today and was stunned to read about something I had not even given a thought to. But no sooner than she had mentioned it, the realization of its existence came speeding at me like a Mack truck. As we all know I’m very familiar with a similar situation but still you can never be moved enough by this. My heart goes out to the families and loved ones of Jessica. I know that there is a reason for everything but damn if sometimes that reason for this is so obscure as to seem nonexistent…

On a side note, thanks to KTP for the eye opening post. I think it’s very well written and very much something we need to be aware of as we go about our days.

*****
This weekend flew…literally. I swear it was just Friday and now it’s Monday; though I’m not complaining too much this morning. I got up nicely. If any of you have trouble sleeping then you know what that statement means. I got up nice and slow, easy waking up, no rush, no headache, no hustle or bustle. I took a long shower, and made time work for ME. The ride in (even though I was 15 minutes late :P) was nice and I had some good tunes to infuse my spirit with happiness this morning. I have no idea what today holds for me, but this morning sure started off with youthful enthusiasm. I hope to keep that feeling all day long.

This weekend was a very relaxing weekend. I went to see Mrs. Virgo and we proceeded to geek out with our laptops, do our nails, have good eats, good conversation, laughter and all that kind of fun. I think I spent somewhere upwards of 6 hours with her and I can’t honestly think of a better way to spend 6 hours. Thank you Mrs. Virgo for the retreat getaway that wasn’t so far away after all ;)

When Mrs. Virgo and I get together we get so excited. The minute I rushed through her door, we were all like “look at this, smell this, oh my god you have to hear about, did you see this…etc”. We feed off each others energy and man we have a TON of it when together. It’s like a never ending well of happiness. Sometimes we have our serious moments, but even those are truly “shared” because we hold onto each other, even remotely and the support if wonderful.

It’s FABULOUS to have a friend like that.

XO to Mrs. Virgo because that one day, one block of time, has given me at least two more happy days (Sunday, and today and who knows how long) and that is WONDERFUL to feel.

1-Bottle of Nail Polish – Purple Titanium $4.99
1-Laptop Acer (piece of crap but who cares) $400 (I’m guessing it to be around there because it sucks :P)
1-Bag of Winter’s Blend Coffee from Trader Joe’s $1.99 (on sale HELL YEA!)
1-day spent rejuvenating with one person and re-centering without knowing I was doing so… PRICELESS

*****

NEW WEBPAGE ALERT! Yup I made my very own personal one, (separate from www.utopiaskye.com). It's nothing yet, but if you wish to see it you can do so at www.myinnermuse.com. Comments are welcome. Click the email link above to send me a message about it (no hate mail please :P)

*****
WELL WISHES

For Cancer Baby’s Family and Friends I wish for you soothing comfort. May the darkness of her passing, be hastened away by the light that she obviously was for many. May her memory and thoughts of joy permeate your sadness and help ease your missing her.

For Mr. Uber Thank you for the affirmation above. I wish you happiness today because you’ve given it to me as well.

For Mrs. Fashionista I am breathing ;) And today I wish you the beauty of peace. I know life is hectic for you so may it slow down so you too can breathe.

For Kelli Thank you for the wonderful mother’s day post. It was an honor to share in your thoughts of your mom. Thank you for remaining a positive part of my day. Today I wish you brightness and the energy of brilliance. May your creative endeavors and daily pursuits find you in a beautiful place today.

For KTP Of the House of Prince Thank you for the post on Cancerbaby. I believe we should always be aware of other people in our lives even remotely. I think it is only in this fashion that our eyes can truly be open to the “real” meaning of life. I wish you the awareness that you received in your posts, all day today. May this awareness prompt you to do whatever you wish to do today that will bring you joy.

For my mom I love you today and everyday.

For everyone else not specifically mentioned but felt in my heart I wish you a truly happy Monday today. May the light of the sun somehow find its way into your day and warm your face and soul. May my feelings of love, friendship, warmth also find their way to your soul today so that you know you are being thought of.

*****
AND REMEMBER:

The thought manifests as the word. The word manifests as the deed. The deed develops into habit. And the habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care. And let it spring from love, born out of concern for all beings. . ~ Buddha

Safe Spam (Sex?)

The power of the written word… ;)




In an email to a coworker I explain why the email that was sent from one of their agents was blocked.

Your email provider has flagged where (name left blank)’s email was sent from as
coming from an IP used for spam. Typically companies who are on shared services
(i.e. DSL) will see this if one of the users has sent spam. When an IP gets
flagged for spam, all users that use that IP even if not in conjunction with the
person who sent the spam, will still have their mail flagged as spam. Most email
companies rely on spamcop to tell them if an IP is flagged. If spamcop sees it
flagged then the email being sent gets blocked. We used to get that all the time
when we were using DSL service and (name removed) webhosting. The good news is that spamcop removes IP addresses if there is no further spam activity in 24
hours. Does this make sense? Let me know if you have questions.

Here is the response I received back (WARNING: Do not drink while reading this :P)

If you change a few words in your text--it is almost like a "birds and the bees"
discussion. "Companies who share services (sex), one of the users has sent spam
(sperm) and are randomly chosen, even if not in conjunction with the person who
sent the spam (sperm) and will be flagged (pregnant or not) for it. Spamcop
(birth control) sees the flagging (sex) and the spam (sperm) is blocked. Contact
the ISP (OBGYN) to see what you do to avoid or not, this problem. And do not
forget, no flagging (sex) for 24 hours until it might be safe again.

And that's today's wise point ;) Have a great day!

The Book of Light; A Poem for you

-The Book of Light 2006-

Unassuming, it sits in its rather ugly state.
A simple brown cover, marred by creases of the years.
Alone on the table it rests.

My hand strays toward the book
Do I dare?
The cover, warm to my hand, feels soft
A slight anticipation, is followed by expectation
And in haste soon enough the pages turn...

Engulfed in remembrance,
I swim with the current that pulls me out to sea.
The digital soup stirs up my memory,
Each spice issuing forth a new enchantment.
Laughter rings true, scents come to the fore,
and the past beckons from within.
Adornments of joy grace the page;
A pressed leaf of a fall colored tree,
Rose buds plucked still fragrant,
Drops of perfume on delicate stationery,
Printed images of screen shots,
Words, advice, suggestions & even digital chat ID's.

Soon the ugly book of brown
Becomes the book of light,
Drawing forth the smile from my heart
Lighting the flame that so often goes unlit,
Warming my soul…

A wealth of sharing, in a progression of life.
And for a captured moment in time,
I too am part of the Book of light,
Resting comfortably among my friends, where I ought to be...

~*~

Author's note: No matter where life takes you, no matter what you may go through, know that at least once in your life you have been a part of my memories and happiness. Where we met is irrelevant, what's important is that we did meet. I carry a piece of each of you in my book of light, and each day I add more pages, memories, and snippets of joy. I will always remember this book of light because those that have filled it with love, have brightened my soul.

This poem is lovingly dedicated to those people who have left their footprints on my heart, both on line and off line.

*****
I may do a second entry today since this one is short (I’m busy at work today :P go figure lol). The two second good news is that I went to bed last night around 9pm and didn’t wake up (except a few times for a few minutes) until 6am. WOW. I do indeed feel rested and am going for SUSHI!!! Tonight YAY!!!

The above is a special poem written by me and previously only seen before by those who purchased a copy of Digital Soup Online. Trust me there are many more hidden gems in that book, but I wanted to spread some light today.

*****
WELL WISHES

Big hugs to you all today. Internet hugs, real hugs (for Dana who I’ll see tonight!) and wished hugs. May you know companionship today and may it make you smile.

*****
AND REMEMBER:

"We cannot hold a torch to light another's path without brightening our own."
~Ben Sweetland

"I will love the light for it shows me the way. Yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars..."~ Og Mandino

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I've learned that whatever state I may be in, therein to be content."~ Helen Keller

"I am not bound to win, I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to the light I have."~ Abraham Lincoln

Big Brother?

Uh… what?

Opinions?

Friends and Faith and Education...Oh MY!

(whisper) Dream with me…

I have a dream to share with you
One that I know will be true
It’s a story developing as you’ll see
The story of love and you and me

It begins with a smile and a sweet soft laugh
And continues with sharing of our days passed
Learning who you and I will be
Because a friendship has begun for all to see

(chorus)
Yea, I wish you could see inside my heart
Cuz, there that’s where our story starts,
Here where our love will never end
That’s where we live my friend

When I think of all life’s possibilities
I see hope even more because you’re with me
The tears may come and freely fall
But with you in my life I will stand tall

Though time will move us apart and so
Our journeys will sometimes seem so slow
But along the river of dreams we meet
And there rediscover our love so sweet

(chorus)
Yea, I wish you could see inside my heart
Cuz there, that’s where our story starts,
Here where our love will never end
That’s where we live my friend
That’s where we live my friend
Always until the end…

© Sue Wilson - March, 2006

Believe it or not that was penned by me.  I like it.  It may not be the best, but I like it :P  Since today’s post is about friendship I felt it needed to be reposted for you all.  

There is just something to be said for a good friend.  You know the kind I mean… The one you can spend hours laughing about nothing with.  And the one who will remind you of that years later, sending you both into gales of laughter again while people look on wondering what cocktail drug you’re both on :P  

It’s easy for me to get caught up in the tide of my life.  As the current sweeps me away to the seas of loneliness, it also sweeps away the knowledge that I have friends around me.  It sees me alone, keeps me alone and susceptible and takes me out to uncharted waters where sometimes I float listlessly, alone and afraid.  

However, there is always a change in current that brings me back to re-center, to re-ground myself.  And usually waiting on the shores to help bring me back onto land of life are my friends.  There are quite a few prominent faces, voices, names I see when I get there.   Sometimes a simple voice can open the locked doors of my heart again and make that little light I have, grow into a big light.  It’s amazing to me just how one word, sentiment or sentence can have such a powerful impact on a person.  I try to live by this everyday.  I fail sometimes, but the important thing is I always have people there to remind me.  

Family is very important, friends are just as important.  This morning right now, I’m thankful for the kindness of my friends.  Without those who have helped me stand for the past few years (as tiresome as it may get sometimes), I would still be crawling around in a worse spot than I can conceive of.  

No matter how bleak my life may seem to me at times as I go through this vortex of life change…  I know in the deepest regions of my heart where that little pinprick of light that just wont go away resides… that I have friends waiting for me on the shoreline of life, ready to help me stand again and for that, I’m grateful.

*****
Pray for me dear readers of my drudgery that I survive the next three VERY tight financial months.  Barring any unknown obstacles or emergencies, I’ll be financially free of all credit card debt, and free of one of two major medical bills that have been plaguing me.  I’ll still have the other but in August I’ll have the means to pay that off If I can just make it three more months.

*chants* I think I can, I think I can :P

*****
So a few posts ago I eluded to the fact that I had done something or had experienced something that I wasn’t quite ready to divulge yet.  I think I’m ready to now.  A few years ago someone told me about the Universal Life Church and how they were an ordained minister there.  I went to the site looked at it and thought “nice” and that was that.  

In my recent searching for information on education in holistic therapy and even holistic theology this website came up again.  For a few seconds I thought how cool to be ordained in a universal non-denominational organization that promotes healthy awareness of the uniqueness of religious choice and practice.  So I decided I would follow their procedure and become ordained.  

Unlike some people who may look at this and think “What a crock” Or others who do it just to have some perverse power play in their life, my choosing to do this was simply to provide a deeper intent to learn and desire of practice of  religion in my life.  I’m a spiritual person.  I’m just non-denominational.  I was a practicing Catholic as I grew up, but now I lean more towards Eastern practices, and even Wicca.  But I blend spiritual practices and that makes me “Ecclectic” as I’m called in some circles.

I am certified now to marry folks and in checking with Illinois state and county rulings, due to the separation of church and state, I have discovered I can do this legally and it is binding.

Will I ever do this?  I might for the right people.  By “right” I mean, friends, or people who have sought to utilize the many tools available to prospective couples to be in a state of readiness about marriage and what it entails.

More likely than not however, this ordination will simply provide me a means for myself personally to develop a deeper relationship with my faith and religion in general.  

To those few who knew about this before this blog did ;) I thank you for your support in understanding about this.  It means a LOT to me that the four folks who were told were open, understanding, and supportive.  

Opinions are welcome as usual on anything I write.  Be nice in presentation of them, especially if they’re in disagreement.  I post my things here so you CAN speak about them *smile*.

*****
On the school front, it will be a while before I can afford to enter the school I want and pursue the degree I want.  Because the school is one in holistic therapies there aren’t many scholarships available (as far as I’ve seen).  At one point I was going to consider the American Institute of Holistic Theology.  I really like their presentation, programs, and certifications.  Not to mention their admission counselor is wonderful.  However I think in holistic remedies I would prefer a more clinical approach so (Thanks Roze!) I’ve investigated and decided that when I do decide to enter school again it will be at Clayton College in Ohio.  Their programs are comprehensive and I know at least one person who has gone through some of it.  I’ll keep looking into ways to afford it, but for now it’s nice to at least know what I’ll be doing.

*****
WELL WISHES

Today I wish for all of you to know that you are someone’s friend.  That you are so very special to that someone and that this someone, this friend is thinking of you and loving you.  May you feel the warmth of the love and support of a friend today.

*****
AND REMEMBER

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."- Anais Nin

Thank you Dana for your kind words yesterday.  They warmed my heart and as always, made me smile with renewed light.  *hug*

Digital Soup Online Revisited

I’ve yet to encounter anything more important than friends. ~Jessie Smith 1976-2004

*****
One of the things I’m most proud of in my life (and yes there are a few ;), is the publication of this book. It’s my second book and it has a message for anyone who would listen. A lot of people contributed to this testament of friendship online, joy online, and real life love. All the proceeds from it’s sales went to the Lymphoma Rsearch Foundation in honor of the memory of Jessie Smith, someone who is part of the community I founded, Utopia Skye. She is still a part of this community even in death. Her spirit touches everything.

While this book has many beautiful sentiments expressed, none are more poignant than the message Jessie delivered to me just 6 months before her passing. This message is the reason the book was made. And here her message is for you. If you are interested in reading more about this book you can go to the website Digital Soup Online and read about it. You do not have to order a copy, I place this as a post today because I was reminded of Jessie today and wish to share her light with everyone since mine is in such short supply these days.

And now for you, the story that has moved many, and continues to move me today…

(NOTE: She called me Cali (short for Caliope) because that is how in the games I play and on my message boards at www.utopiaskye.com, I am known. )

*****

-Laptops and Friends-
Written in Yahoo Instant Messenger – January 2004
By: Jessee Smith

At this point in Jessie’s health she was suffering from intense pain and undergoing intense treatments to hopefully put her cancer in remission. Her expression here is unaltered in content, however edited to be legible as sometimes the drugs hampered her ability to type. There are expressions here of on line communication as well that convey her feelings. Those remain intact as they represent the means with which her love was communicated. The letter she wrote directly to me at the end of this story also remains as a testament to what she shared directly with me as I worked with her over the years among many who did. She knew me on line as Caliope and as such she refers to me as Cali. Her note to me was her expression of love for me and is rightfully hers to have shown. It remains the single most poignant reminder for many of just HOW much she loved openly. Her story is reprinted with the permission of her fiancé.

jessee_smith2000 (8:37:26 AM): digital soup for the soul

jessee_smith2000 (8:46:37 AM): My name is Jessee, I am 28 years old and I’ve been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s disease and by the time I found out I had it, it progressed to stage 4. I was diagnosed in the spring of 2003 and it’s been a long lonely scary journey. I’ve been in and out of the hospital, endured countless infections had my spleen removed, suffered kidney failure from shock due to an infection and suffered through a bout of pneumonia in which I was close to death as I was put on a ventilator. I’ve endured rounds and rounds of chemo and right now as I write this I am laying in a hospital bed in isolation recovering from a bone marrow transplant. I spent Christmas in this very bed very sick from very high doses of chemo and now I have an infection in my blood that I caught because of immuno-suppressant drugs to prevent bone marrow rejection.

jessee_smith2000 (8:50:52 AM): I could always say that I’ve been "unlucky" and that life has been unfair and cruel to me. But I will not today. I have been confined in this room since December 22nd, and it is now January 8th and I am bored. But I think that being in this situation has actually enriched my life...

jessee_smith2000 (8:53:09 AM): I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I thank god for allowing me to go through such a drastic challenge, because its taught me so much about life. These lessons that I’ve learned, I can only ever learn them by going through what I’ve gone through...

jessee_smith2000 (8:57:26 AM): The most important lesson that I’ve learned through this, is that there is nothing more important in this life than love, family and friends... I used to worry about everything before I was diagnosed, I used to be so self absorbed and would think so negatively much of the time. I would worry because I hardly had enough money to pay bills and I would waste so much time being unhappy for silly reasons. But now, knowing that I may not live to seem my next birthday, I try to hold on to as much of life’s gifts as I can. I actually see so much since I am no longer blinded by life’s physical dimension.

jessee_smith2000 (9:00:46 AM): even as I am lying here in this room and I am confined to it and can’t do anything, I try so hard to make the best of each day as much as I can. I am so thankful that I am surrounded by a group of staff that care so much about me. Everyday someone new comes to visit me, and I sit here thankful that I can take a full breath of air. I am thankful because I can see, I can read, and I can lookout the window here and watch birds be free and feel the sun on my face. I have a laptop here that I use and through it I can communicate with my online friends and even my mom * lol *...

jessee_smith2000 (9:02:50 AM): I have a wonderful fiancée who has stood by me 100%. I have so much to be thankful for. I know I may not make it but I am not bitter, I have enjoyed life very much, and have had the chance to experience the greatest gift of all....love. I have had the chance to enjoy love on many levels.

jessee_smith2000 (9:06:41 AM): But the most wonderful thing lesson I have gotten the chance to experience is the lesson called unconditional love. I have made a few friends on the internet, and I can honestly admit that having online friends has definitely helped me to emotionally cope with what I’m going through. Most of the time, I am in one form of pain or another and being in a continuous pain makes time go by slow. Much of the time I spend alone while the world naturally goes about its business. I understand that I cannot expect my loved ones to be there by my side every day, every hour, so I am alone a lot... I’m especially alone a lot now in this room. That’s why I am thankful to have this laptop by me. It allows me the chance to communicate with my online friends.

jessee_smith2000 (9:10:01 AM): They have been there for me on so many levels, they’ve comforted me, have allowed me to be myself, have supported me, and they’ve let me share my deepest fears. They’ve helped me get through the hardest nights, and have helped me gather the strength I need to go on with this suffering. Some people can look at the internet and say what a waste of time and money, but I can honestly say that the internet has been a great source of help in helping me deal with my illness and through it I’ve learned a great lesson...

jessee_smith2000 (9:10:21 AM): When you strip the physical dimension from a "person" and you only hear their heart....you begin to realize how beautiful a "person" really is.... And that is what I’ve learned through a computer. Funny really, how a plastic item can teach you something so phenomenal. Through a computer I’ve been able to make my way into the heart of so many and see the "trueness" of a spirit, which reminds me of how much we are blinded when we go out into public and deal with everyday people. This is true even with our “real life” friends and family. We are so blinded by the physical dimension that we don’t "see" the inner realms of the hearts of those we love so dearly and we don’t see strangers like we should... We should realize everyone is beautiful...

jessee_smith2000 (9:11:52 AM): And another lesson I’ve learned is that, no matter what we are going through, no matter what, we are all lucky. We have a second chance to do better everyday. We are loved everyday and whenever we laugh it is a gift...

jessee_smith2000 (9:16:12 AM): I may never leave this room, I may never again have the chance to go outside and smell the fresh air, but I am thankful that I did. I am thankful that I once had the chance to experience life out there, and if I ever do get the chance to go out there and get back into "life" I will never ever worry about anything. I will focus only on what’s important and that’s making each day count... Because as I know now, like today at the age of 28, life has been taken from me and it can happen at anytime. We are only here on borrowed time, and the candle we are given can burn out at anytime no matter how calm the wind is. This is the time of your life, don’t waste it. Remember you are so powerful. Powerful in the sense that you can control how your life turns out. What I mean is that even if your life seems crummy, you can control it because even a bad situation can be a good one....

jessee_smith2000 (9:22:06 AM): You just have to create a filter in your mind and only let good thoughts enter your mind. Filter out the bad thoughts; you do not need them I assure you. Look at me; I can do that too, even as trying as it sometimes may be. But instead of worrying and thinking thoughts that are negative, I can lie here and see that I am breathing. I can lie here and see that I am surrounded by many people who love me in “real life” and internet life. Every single day, I am in a warm bed, not lying on the street. I can see that I still laugh everyday which I believe is a great gift. I am still alive and I am even engaged to a man that promises to be in my life no matter what. I can also see that I have many friends who love me no matter what. So I am rich in many ways and so are you, you just have to open your eyes and see all that you have and make the positive side of life always stand out.

jessee_smith2000 (9:22:37 AM): THE END

~*~

jessee_smith2000 (9:27:09 AM): Cali that concludes Jessee’s Digital soup for the soul, but I just wanted to personally tell you one thing, I just wanted to thank you for being here for me. You amaze me everyday because you share unconditional love with me. Instead of fluffing me off, you continue to be there for me even when I talk stupid or complain. I’ve been sick for such a longtime and I know this all must be getting so old to you and I feel so badly every day, but yet you still continue to be there for me, you put up with so much from me. I try so hard to be a good friend online despite what I’m going through everyday, and sometimes I can’t help but be sad or sick and yet you still make so much time for me like you did last night. I can honestly tell you Cali that the reason I am still positive about this is because of you, and only because of you.

jessee_smith2000 (9:31:00 AM): Everyday by the end of the day, I get very discouraged and I’m ready to give up or when I run into complications like last night or when I have a dream about god wanting to take me or anything... It makes me want to honestly give up...and so I come on the internet to change my thoughts and there you are with open arms and I am able to tell you all my fears. I’m able to tell you exactly how I feel and you accept and take in everything I tell you... Like last night I shared with you my feeling that I may never walk out of here and you were there to listen to me. You just amaze me...you are an awesome friend Cali and I am thankful everyday that I was given a chance to meet you, and I am thankful…so thankful everyday that you are there

jessee_smith2000 (9:31:11 AM): I love you Cali

jessee_smith2000 (9:31:20 AM): thank you so much

© Jan. 2004 “Jessee Smith”; Pseudonym

Ladies and Gents the muse has LEFT the building

My muse is gone.  She’s been gone for a while.  It’s a very strange feeling to not have her presence.  Someone described it to me as “hollow”, today I know what they mean.  

Previously words came to me naturally.  I’m not saying they were put together well :P but they did come naturally.  Ideas, visions, dreams came naturally.  Creative juices were flowing and I was immersed in the idea of sharing openly with people because I had an overabundance of it to give! Whatever “It” truly is…  See I think that “it” was the idea that we are all special, we are all loved, and we are all ok.  That’s the message I carried for the longest time.  I waved it around like a triumphant banner for all who needed to see it.  I openly took people in and accepted them for what they were.  

It was a great idea… in theory.

However, when my muse left me all too soon, my overabundant well of love, acceptance and optimism died off.  

The problem isn’t that she left me.  It’s not even that people stopped caring (save for the handful I can count on to at least wonder if I’m still alive now and again.)  It’s that she hasn’t returned for more than a split second at a time.

Life for me right now is a bleak void of nothing-ness. I go to work, I come home, I play games, I sleep, I eat.  I don’t “Feel” excitement except once in a blue moon like last Friday.  Inspiration even if it does come doesn’t stay around long enough to let me write it out.  I feel hollow when I’m aware that she is gone… when I stop running through my void of life and take inventory.  That’s when I notice she’s gone and that’s when I try to wish for her back.  Because at least if I can write, even if they’re crappy, horrible, would never show them to anyone else writings… then I can at least feel and express.  But not when she’s gone.

The problem again, isn’t that my muse left me, but that she hasn’t come back.  I’m afraid that she may not come back and if that’s the case then I’m afraid I will be stuck in this rut of nothingness.  And even on my worst days, I am sane enough to realize that’s not a place where I wish to remain.

This is as real as it gets for me.

*****
WELL WISHES

Everyday I try to make sure I think of others and share some love, happiness, joy etc.  Why?  Because I believe only in sharing can we be more than what we are.  It may seem like empty words to some that I wish “everyone” this that or the other thing.  But it is an intention straight from my heart. And believe me sometimes it’s hard to come by, but there is always that little spark of light in the deepest corner of my heart (thankfully) that just wont go away ;)  It’s this spark, no matter how bleak I may feel,  that I share with you; even if it’s all that I have.  

So today I wish for your “spark” to be bright.  That it would give you enough of whatever it is you need today.  May the spark of love, inspiration, happiness, be enough to guide you.  This is my wish for you today *smile*

*****
AND REMEMBER:

Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, and above.
~Gia Carangi

The Subtleness of Monday...

Time… It’s what we all have, and my friend Celtic explains it best in his post.  Also Kelli with another good post today tells us just how smart Mark Twain really was.  That should start the day off well.  

*****
This morning inspiration hit me as I sat on my couch trying to get ready for my day.  I hadn’t slept well so I was tired.  And I realized with a start that DAMMIT it was Monday and the weekend even though I lived it, had slipped through my grasp yet again.  When trying to think about where my time went sudden phrases entered my head.  Things like this happen when I’m going to write.  So today I’ll write them out as they come.  But what was different today was not only phrases for poetry, but whole thoughts, streams of consciousness came with it.  Seems I have some ideas to examine so as they come I’ll write them too.  

The first is that:

I am the great dreamer.

We all dream.  Some of us even dream in color.  I realized this morning in a spurt of awareness that woke me better than caffeine could, that I am the great dreamer with a palette of stars and spectacular colors of cosmic dust with which to paint… However, I have no brush to paint the dreams with.  In other words, I dream but have no motivation or desire to spread my colors on the canvas of my own life, or to share them.  

I do not know what it is that makes it this way.  Then I started thinking back to when I was 21 or so.  If I had been single back then and living on my own my freedom would have caught me fresh on the edge of growing up.  Back then I didn’t mind going out had no idea what a computer was other than for college papers, and had aspirations for things I can’t even see now. I would never be seen without taking the time to make myself presentable, and I was the life of ANY party.  Back then when I dreamed the whole world dreamed with me, people shared my passion as it was infectious and I ran out of canvas’s I painted my dreams so much.  

Instead my independence and single-ness found me on the tail end of my youth (I know I’m not old) standing at the edge of an abyss where the big lie had just been uncovered… the lie made to my heart.  This brings me to my second realization.  

I’m still depressed because I have no love in my life.  

I never knew I was such a person of the heart.  Even to this day I’m amazed at how much, just HOW MUCH I live in the heart.  I’m not a woman of worldly knowledge.  Even back in my 20’s when I thought I knew a lot I still wasn’t knowledgeable on things.  But I DID know the heart.  I knew how much it meant to be with it, I just had never had it lied to as I have now.  

A good friend of mine once told me it took him three years to get over his divorce.  The similarities in his marriage, divorce, and change in life afterwards are uncanny; they’re so close to mine.  I got divorced in 2003, if the numbers are right, then maybe this year I’ll begin to live again.  Until then I ride the raft I’ve made, on unstable seas.  Sometimes sailing as smooth as glass with the stars for light and guidance, and other times rocky and choppy so much so that I fear I won’t live.  I’ve got no compass, and I, dear readers of my drudgery cannot predict the weather.  

And to be completely and utterly corny I’ll give you the lyrics of a song that I sang in high school.  It seems so appropriate sometimes lately.  This in and of itself is frightening because back then it was ok to not have it figured out.  Now, while I may not have it “figured out” I should have an idea of the course I should be on… and I have as little clue now as I did back then.

Whitesnake
I don't know where I'm going
But, I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An' I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho' I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

I'm just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on love's sweet charity
An' I'm gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

Which brings me to my last thing.  My first attempt at a poem (published anyway ;) based on the inspiration and images I received this morning.

(Deleted because it sucked)

*sigh* Maybe later I’ll try again.

*****
WELL WISHES
Today for all those I come into contact with (Yes, even the hens and crony) may the light of inspiration give you a moment’s pause.  May it be just enough to make you smile and light up your day.

*****
AND REMEMBER:
(Two for you all today)

Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.
~ Lao Tzu.

There are two kinds of light:
the glow that illumines,
and the glare that obscures.
~ James Thurber.

Friday's child was a muse of song!

I am unwritten,
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your INHIBITIONS

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines
We've been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions


Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
treat yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
~Natasha Bedingfield – “Unwritten”

*****
I LOVE this song!  I listened to it quite a few times coming in this morning.  Today I had a fresh burst of optimism for the day ahead.  I realized as this song was playing that today was still unwritten and I had a fresh pen and a brand new piece of blank paper.  Back in January when I started to have a different viewpoint on what this blog was for.  I decided that I would write more positively as often as possible but remain honest to my blog and my emotions.  Sometimes that’s a painful experience.  Sometimes it’s a rewarding eye opening one.  But in any measure it’s a dance with reality and honesty that is refreshing.

I’ve had some crappy days the past few weeks.  Today after about two weeks (officially) of being sick I feel about 90% better.  I’ve also had some emotional upsets lately too that have threatened the carefully scripted balance with which I think.  I’ve found more often than not this week that I’ve been hanging onto the shelf of normalcy by my toes facing the deep abyss of depression over things.  And well… I just don’t want to do that.  It’s hard sometimes but sometimes I can still cling to the shelf of normalcy and actually win.  Today is one of those days as evidenced by this morning’s ride into work.

I’m still congested, and I still cough a bit and my ears are randomly plugged on occasion but I discovered today that I can sing again (HOORAY!).  I had to do some voice work this morning though as my voice is still weak, but I was DETERMINED to sing this morning and the minute I did, I was set free. Singing for me is something that I cannot be without.  It’s the expression of my soul’s voice in the language we can understand.  Even if no one ever hears me, I have an audience in my mind and they love me.  I even have my own private concert hall in my car and when I sing there the whole world is entranced.  It’s my magic, my mojo, my peace zone.  When I’m without it for even two weeks I feel dead.  So I’m glad my muse of song is back and actively stretching her vocal cords again.  Singing today in my car I missed the radio station.  I had considered turning it back on but I have to remember the time for the radio is past.   But I was filled with the joy of song this morning and the joy of memories of fun nights when I was on air.  Today was a glorious morning.

Now at 7:40am I have taken the time to catch up on some blog postings and Kelli’s blog today really hit me.  So Kelli I’m going to follow your lead and steal from your post with the appropriate credits given of course…  

Today I enjoyed:

~Hearing my voice sing and hearing my heart respond
~The extra 5 minutes of sleep I got this morning
~The sunlight as it streamed through my windshield.
~The smile I got from another driver who watched me sing in my car (Yes my hands were going and I was all into the song at the time… kind of embarrassing but kind of not :P)
~The memories of Utopia Skye radio, the station I owned and DJ’d on for over three years with my friends as DJ’s hosting parties and helping people ALL Over the internet have fun :D
~The memories of last night’s gaming with two friends and really just enjoying the peace of good company
~The dream of last night (which I can’t remember right at this moment but I know it was good!)
~The voice of a friend this morning when I retrieved my voice mail
~Starbucks Latte!
~And finally today I enjoyed the vision of a day of opportunity and inspiration, that is yet “unwritten”.

Thanks Kelli, I really enjoyed your post today *smile*

*****
WELL WISHES

(They just keep getting longer and longer… I’m glad though, that it makes you feel special to be listed.  I do not list individuals in competition but as each of you graces my heart at the moment I write these.  Just know that if you do NOT get mentioned here it does NOT mean you’re not thought of, but you are thought of privately in my heart *smile*

For Kelli: I wish you happiness today in return for the happiness you’ve given me.  May your Friday be as beautiful as the positive energy you seem to have in abundance.

For Dana: I keep thinking of you everyday and for whatever reason have NOT been able to catch up with you.  We need to change that.  So today I wish you the harmony of communication and joy.  I will get with you this weekend no matter where you are :P I Hope you’re feeling better too

For Mr. Uber: Today I wish you strength in your endeavors.  Sometimes the hardest work produces the best garden.  Maybe this is the case with what is going on ;)

For Mr. Quiet Strength: Thank you for the note in sympathy for my dog.  People tend to forget the little things like a letter saying you understand has a LOT of power.  Today I send you my digital hugs and hope for a day of rest for your mind.  I know you have a lot going on so sometimes just that little rest can help.

For Chris Delorenzo: (Yes another new entry to the list!).  Today I wish you happiness in something new.  Whether it be a new vision, a new way of looking at something, or just something new to spark brightness in your day, I hope you see something “new” today.  I enjoy reading your realistic and honest views on things and hope to read some more from you.  Have a wonderful day :D

For Tryphenia/Triliana/Tissiphone: My partner in crime in game.  Today I wish you strength in the areas that you and I have spoken about on occasion.  Even if right now nothing is going on may the strength I send you be there if and when you need it.  You’re always thought of *smile*.  Oh and I also thank you for the discussion we had yesterday that I do not think I could talk about with too many other people ;)  Thank you for your confidence.

For Shaun: Today I send you rejuvenation.  I haven’t talked to you in a while but if I know you, I know you’ve been busy ;) So today I send you relax and rejuvenation thoughts for your soul and body :D

For Kami: today I send you thoughts of AVOCADOS and SUGAH and CHOCOLATE!!!!  (Did I mention I bought 10 avocados the other day for $10!  And I ate them ALL!!!) *laughs*  But more importantly I send you warm thoughts of all the good times we’ve shared, the private jokes that we laugh at still, and the promise of more memories like that.  May they keep you warm and happy in all the right ways when you need them the most :D

For Mr. Serenader:  Today I send you thoughts of Health.  May your wrist and other ailments not keep you down today.  *smile*

For my mother: I love you and wish you a day of love.  

*****
AND REMEMBER

(It’s easy to forget this….)

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.

~Carl Jung

Anger & Zen

"It is not easy to find a being who has not been your mother, your father, your brother, sister, son or daughter." Hence with regard to the person whom we have now taken for our enemy, we should think: "This one now, in the past has been my mother who bore me in her womb for nine months, gave birth to me, unweariedly cleansed me of impurities, hid me in her bosom, carried me on her hip and nourished me. This one was my father in another life and spent time and energy, engaged in toilsome business, with a view to maintaining me, even sacrificing life for my sake," and so on. When we ponder over these facts, it should be expected that our arisen anger against our enemy will subside.

~Buddha

*****
We all have the tendency or most of us do I should say, to lash out when hurt. If anyone knows this, it’s me. Ever since I was a little child I can remember lashing out when hurt. My childhood wasn’t that good, and mostly what I remember of it is all the hurt. I remember incidences where I lashed out and was able to quench the fire of anger in me at the time, but felt regret over harsh words or actions later on.

Why share this?

Because I promised honesty in my blog, honesty no matter how personal.

Who we are as humans is directly linked to what we endeavor to be in life. Not just stature or position in class, but what we try to overcome, and how we grow. This is what I think defines us as more than just barbaric animals. We have the ability to become greater than we are.

I’ve always had a problem with anger. Boy do I have a temper. It’s not a violent temper but it is a hot fire of anger that if properly ignited can burn for quite some time. This anger is caused by the mistreatment of others, or the hurting of me. I can tolerate quite a bit of hurt, but where my heart is concerned I have a very short fuse.

I continue to try to be better. I continue to read things that give some people peace and hope that by learning this, and internalizing it as well as utilizing it (when possible) that I can overcome my anger and be more “Vulcan” if you will :P

To those that simply hear my anger or are the recipient of my words because of someone ELSE’S hurting me, I apologize for giving that to you. To those that hurt me and because of that are the recipients of my words in anger, I apologize as well to them, but I ask that you look at why this anger is apparent. It’s because you’re hurting me in some way.

Until I am stronger in overcoming my anger, stronger in doing what *I* need to do in life, more able to pick myself up (hopefully sooner rather than later) and move on, I am stuck in a emotional place that I do not enjoy. Quite often I’m sad, (more often than not anymore), I’m always lonely, and even if I’m smiling I’m quietly nursing some darkness. My friends know this will pass, for the have hope more than I do at times ;)

For now though, I ask of folks a little more insight and awareness into what makes me… me at this point in my life. For those of you in my real life this will help explain a lot, for those of you online who are getting as close to me as my real life friends are, this will explain even more to you. For those who do not know me but are reading this blog this will simply give you the inside scoop on another human being going through life, as we all go through it; just with a more personal twist.

The only thing I ever ask is that you have the understanding that even if you do not agree, you at least respect where I’m coming from and support even in words (i.e. this blog and your comments) the journey that we make and how different it is for each of us.

*****
On a side note, at 3 pm CST yesterday I received a call from my mother who apologized for her words to me and admitted that the only reason she said them was because she was feeling guilty.

I feel good about this small victory in communication with my mother, but I feel bad too because of the anger I held through it, when I should have reasoned with logic instead.

*****
WELL WISHES

Today I wish you all a day of enlightenment of any kind. Whether you struggle with anger, love, loss, fear, or have no struggle at all, I wish for enlightenment to find you and grace you with its presence.

*****
AND REMEMBER:

Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart.

~Myla Kabat-Zinn

Wednesday...

Why is it that we do not watch what we say to each other?  

If you’ve read my previous post, you know that I’m in a situation where I either have to put my dog in a shelter or find another means of taking her back from my mother.

Some developments in this are there is an apartment close to mine that does take dogs.  The rent is comparable (slightly higher, including pet rent).  They have a large 1 bedroom (I believe that’s a 1 bedroom with a den) that has a washer/dryer in the unit, and if I move in by May 12th (Yes, MAY 12th, 9 days away) they’ll give me $500 off June rent making my rent for June $319.  In order to make this happen I’ll need to find money for movers…  Even though the move is less than 2 miles it still requires movers because of my furniture.  Plus I’ll need a security deposit, and the pet deposit.  Someone has offered to give me the pet deposit.  That’s just to move there…

In doing research, 42% of people who responded on apartmentratings.com said they would NOT move back there.  They’ve mentioned the noise, stated that the management sucks, and the maintenance folks don’t answer maintenance calls.  Additionally one of the people who rated it rated it badly because of some “Unsavory” characters.  When I first was looking for a place in 2004, I knew a waiter who lived there for about a year.  When I asked him about the place he said sure it’s a great place if you don’t mind going without maintenance, and the volleyball field they have? Is a lake…  I didn’t consider them after that, and yet… I’m considering them now.

I don’t know what to do about this.  Making a move like this would put me in debt (I’d have to pay rent in TWO places for June, plus the moving costs, move IN costs, and transferring of address stuff that would need to be done.) It would put me in a new situation with unknown variables (at least I know where I live now while not the best, isn’t the worst either and I KNOW my neighbors), and it would cause me ongoing financial hardship as I would have Mushu and her medical ailments.  

But I’m seriously considering doing this.  I love this dog… Truly I do, but I have to decide if this is what I want to do.

Now to the opening line of my post.  I rely heavily on one person almost entirely above all else for information.  Even though we disagree quite a bit on things, her advice has always been true.  So imagine my surprise when I tried to seek advice and was told that I was “giving a guilt trip”.  Yup you guessed it; my mother was who I went to for advice.  I proposed the above situation and talked out all the angles and what ensued was a yelling match as she accused me of giving her a guilt trip.  The thought NEVER once even crossed my mind and telling her that did no good.  She wouldn’t hear of it.  She mentioned that in our earlier conversations (we had two yesterday about this) that she told me she would keep Mushu if I would come over everyday and walk her.  I am telling you she NEVER said that.  NEVER.  I would have held onto that like a beacon of hope… The only things she kept saying were things to the contrary.  

The long and short of it is that I told her in no uncertain terms I was not speaking to her again until she apologized to me.  That regardless if she feels she’s right or wrong…she hurt my feelings and that needs to be acknowledged.  

I hate fights with my mother but I refuse to be the child that she can just speak to like I’m always wrong.  For once, she must acknowledge that her words yet again have hurt me.  I’m 34 for god’s sake when will they stop?  

After all that upset last night and into today, I find I’m still no closer to making a decision on the above apartment or about Mushu, and what’s worse when my mother and I are at odds, my loneliness becomes much more pronounced.  I felt so completely and utterly alone last night.

*****
WELL WISHES
Today I just wish you all have a pleasant day.  That somewhere where you are, the sun finds you and gives you even a moment of peace.

*****
AND REMEMBER:
(Excerpted from “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz)

1. Be Impeccable with Your Word; Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.


2. Don't Take Anything Personally; Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.


3. Don't Make Assumptions; Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.


4. Always Do Your Best; Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Mushu

I had difficulty thinking of what to post today. I was tired this morning, still a little sick, and still can’t hear out of my left ear so I wasn’t even sure I *was* posting. Then I got my tax refund and while driving to work paying out bills and such I got excited because in two months I’ll have financial freedom (approximately).

I’ve decided that I’m going to be signing for one more year at my current place. Even if I *did* have somewhere to go I have no money to move and the neighbors aren’t making too much noise. So I’ll stay for one more year. That means in August (barring any major problems) I”ll have money each check for savings. No more living check to check. I’ll also even have money to go out each check. I’ll be working on cleaning up my credit report at that point now that those bills that would be late (i.e. medical bills) would be gone. So starting August I’ll be debt free and a year from August I’ll have a good amount in savings, and a really nice credit report.

I should be happy right? I was… until I called my mother and she dropped a bomb on me.

I do not want to blame her. My mother is a wonderful woman. She has been my sole support when things were really bad for me. She has truly taken care of me and taken care of my dog Mushu when I couldn’t keep her because the *only* place I found to live when I *had* to move from the divorce was a place that doesn’t allow dogs.

Mushu is the cutest beagle/basset hound mix dog you’ll ever see. She was born on my birthday though she is quite younger than me being born in 1998 :P. From the start she was trained well in all areas except a few. It didn't matter though, she was my puppy. The first dog *I* ever bought instead of mom buying and bringing home.

When I moved I had to say goodbye to her and my mother took her in so I could see her. Mushu however has always had a problem with her bathroom habits and in her later years it’s gotten worse as the medicines she’s on (she’s on quite a few now for skin allergies etc) make her unable to control it anymore. So today my mother tells me because of the bathroom issues, she can't deal with it anymore and I have to find a no kill shelter for mushu.

And in a split second all the happiness I felt is gone.

I don’t want my dog to go to a shelter...but I have no choice. I know this. I know I can't be unfair to my mother who has for two years now kept my dog for me instead of forcing me to give her up back in 2004. I also know I can’t take her in my current apartment. Not only would I not be able to afford her health issues and bathroom messes, but my apartment complex doesn’t allow it… They won’t even allow her to visit. Additionally I know I can’t move somewhere that takes dogs, even if I *COULD* afford her because I have no money to move though if I could I would do it in a second…

The temptation to be angry right now at many things is great. I could be angry at my mother for not being able to handle it anymore. I could be angry at my failed marriage having such a profound effect on me, that now includes having such a negative impact on a poor defenseless dog as well. I could be angry that my life isn't better right now so that I *could* take her back. But none of that anger even displaced and in some cases, wrong, is going to help Mushu any :(

The thought of putting Mushu in a shelter is just killing me right now. I’m an avid dog lover and I LOVE my dog even more than most other dogs. I can’t expect my mother to keep her if she can’t, but I just feel… so sad right now. This release of news was about as gentle as a ton of bricks crashing down on me.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so sad; It IS just a dog after all right??

But she's MY mushu. She's loved me unconditionally for many years, she's licked my nose when I cried offering her love and she's kept me warm at night when my bed was cold as the first pangs of lonliness began. I love her...and today now, I am sad.

Blast from the past and knowledge like a hit on the head!

So this weekend, given the rapid growth of my nails I decided to go and hunt for my bag of girlie goodies (namely about 20 bottles of all different nail polish colors and things). Since I started taking care of my nails I’ve been searching for this bag, but not too hard. Well now my nails are long enough that I HAD to polish them (Look out all of you, a monster may have just been created).

I found the bag tucked away behind my wedding dress (ACK I still have that?!). Seeing as I was still sick this weekend (and yes still head congested even now can you believe it?) I decided what’s better than doing my nails and giving me a facial. In any event at the start of things, as I pulled the bag down from the top shelf of my closet enlightenment knocked on my head. Ok well so something fell on my head… ok well a couple of something’s :P But nonetheless it brought the muse back for a quick visit in the form of a blast from the past.

At one point in my life I had attempted to draw. Most of you know I’m very creatively inclined. I sing, write, craft things etc. But the one thing I could never quite conquer was drawing. Don’t get me wrong I’ve done a few pictures with nothing but old house paint that would knock your socks off but I’m no artist extraordinaire. I once painted a landscape beach scene with a fence for my mother (who still has it framed I believe) with nothing but house paint. I had at one point thought to draw people, but as the first melon shaped head appeared on the pear shaped body I decided that drawing was for the birds. However, when I attempted flowers and things well that was a different story.

I got so good at drawing flowers and such that I went to the store and in a moment of pure inspiration bought a COMPLETE set of watercolor pencils and a whole host of other drawing utensils including other objects such as sketch pads, etc. The watercolor pencils come in a tin container quite long and while not heavy, when used as a projectile flying at your head it can cause you to see some stars.

I was all excited as the tin hit my head, and the sketch pad followed that after the initial shock wore off I exclaimed “ooooooh! I might draw today”. I’ve been looking to do some of the crafty-things that I used to do. I love to make soap and bath products; I love to make wreaths, and generally just crafty stuff… But I haven’t done any of that in so long. So I thought Alright! I’ll draw!

So I sat down and began to draw the most disgusting flower in a vase you’d ever seen. I looked at it for a little bit after drawing it. I think I felt kind of a proud “I drew that!” and kind of a revolting sensation such like to say “What the HELL is that?” In the end, my drawing was scrapped and the pencils and such sit on my coffee table as a reminder that sometimes inspiration is good… sometimes it’s just a reminder that it’s there and should be followed only with caution and hard hats. :P

*****
WELL WISHES

Lots of ‘em today!

For Kami: I’m so glad we got to speak a bit yesterday. I’m sorry I got busy in game and then fell asleep at my desk :P But today I wish you a ton of smiles!

For Celtic: Yay you signed my blog! Heh I miss you. Today I wish you energy for your running and exercises.

For Tryphenia: (yes a new entry to the well wishes list!) Today I wish you friendship peace, the kind that you give me when you message me out of the blue and actually catch me online to chat.

For Aussie_male: Today I wish you happiness that comes in the form of productivity. I also wish you strength for your return to the workforce. I hope your new job goes well for you *smile*

For Dana: Today I wish you a Monday full of soul peace :D I know things get crazy for you and with being sick and all they get even crazier. May your sage and sweet grass smudge all your cares away!

For Roze: I LOVE your blog entries. No it’s never good to lie, so today I wish you the shield of truth and the badge of trust. Why? Because I just want to :P

For Mr. Quiet Strength: You’ve been quiet lately; I wish you the peace of guided direction. Hopefully things are continuing on the path you wish them to.

For Mr. Serenader: Today I wish you a happy Monday. I know they are rare to come across :P

For Beth: Today I send you thoughts of good health and love. May you know in Arizona that I love you.

For Mr. D: (Yes another new entrant to the list of well wishes). I’ve thought of you often and wish you the peace of a smooth life. I hope that despite our hilly friendship that seems to have come to an impassable cliff, that you know I wish you well always.

For Shaun: I miss you ! Today I wish you the joy of accomplishment. You always do so well in whatever you do may all you attempt reward you with the sense of accomplishment in a job well done.

For Kelli: I wish you happiness today *smile*. You deserve it.

For This Fish: I wish you happiness as well, not that you aren’t already oozing with it, but know that someone else is sending it specifically to you.

For Sober in the city: I wish you the guidance of your heart. No matter what you go through, who you discover, or what you learn, may your heart always guide you.

*****
AND REMEMBER:

(For those who meditate and for me who should do it more often :P):
Calm the winds of your thoughts, and there will be no waves on the ocean of your mind.