Digital Soup Online Revisited

I’ve yet to encounter anything more important than friends. ~Jessie Smith 1976-2004

*****
One of the things I’m most proud of in my life (and yes there are a few ;), is the publication of this book. It’s my second book and it has a message for anyone who would listen. A lot of people contributed to this testament of friendship online, joy online, and real life love. All the proceeds from it’s sales went to the Lymphoma Rsearch Foundation in honor of the memory of Jessie Smith, someone who is part of the community I founded, Utopia Skye. She is still a part of this community even in death. Her spirit touches everything.

While this book has many beautiful sentiments expressed, none are more poignant than the message Jessie delivered to me just 6 months before her passing. This message is the reason the book was made. And here her message is for you. If you are interested in reading more about this book you can go to the website Digital Soup Online and read about it. You do not have to order a copy, I place this as a post today because I was reminded of Jessie today and wish to share her light with everyone since mine is in such short supply these days.

And now for you, the story that has moved many, and continues to move me today…

(NOTE: She called me Cali (short for Caliope) because that is how in the games I play and on my message boards at www.utopiaskye.com, I am known. )

*****

-Laptops and Friends-
Written in Yahoo Instant Messenger – January 2004
By: Jessee Smith

At this point in Jessie’s health she was suffering from intense pain and undergoing intense treatments to hopefully put her cancer in remission. Her expression here is unaltered in content, however edited to be legible as sometimes the drugs hampered her ability to type. There are expressions here of on line communication as well that convey her feelings. Those remain intact as they represent the means with which her love was communicated. The letter she wrote directly to me at the end of this story also remains as a testament to what she shared directly with me as I worked with her over the years among many who did. She knew me on line as Caliope and as such she refers to me as Cali. Her note to me was her expression of love for me and is rightfully hers to have shown. It remains the single most poignant reminder for many of just HOW much she loved openly. Her story is reprinted with the permission of her fiancé.

jessee_smith2000 (8:37:26 AM): digital soup for the soul

jessee_smith2000 (8:46:37 AM): My name is Jessee, I am 28 years old and I’ve been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s disease and by the time I found out I had it, it progressed to stage 4. I was diagnosed in the spring of 2003 and it’s been a long lonely scary journey. I’ve been in and out of the hospital, endured countless infections had my spleen removed, suffered kidney failure from shock due to an infection and suffered through a bout of pneumonia in which I was close to death as I was put on a ventilator. I’ve endured rounds and rounds of chemo and right now as I write this I am laying in a hospital bed in isolation recovering from a bone marrow transplant. I spent Christmas in this very bed very sick from very high doses of chemo and now I have an infection in my blood that I caught because of immuno-suppressant drugs to prevent bone marrow rejection.

jessee_smith2000 (8:50:52 AM): I could always say that I’ve been "unlucky" and that life has been unfair and cruel to me. But I will not today. I have been confined in this room since December 22nd, and it is now January 8th and I am bored. But I think that being in this situation has actually enriched my life...

jessee_smith2000 (8:53:09 AM): I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I thank god for allowing me to go through such a drastic challenge, because its taught me so much about life. These lessons that I’ve learned, I can only ever learn them by going through what I’ve gone through...

jessee_smith2000 (8:57:26 AM): The most important lesson that I’ve learned through this, is that there is nothing more important in this life than love, family and friends... I used to worry about everything before I was diagnosed, I used to be so self absorbed and would think so negatively much of the time. I would worry because I hardly had enough money to pay bills and I would waste so much time being unhappy for silly reasons. But now, knowing that I may not live to seem my next birthday, I try to hold on to as much of life’s gifts as I can. I actually see so much since I am no longer blinded by life’s physical dimension.

jessee_smith2000 (9:00:46 AM): even as I am lying here in this room and I am confined to it and can’t do anything, I try so hard to make the best of each day as much as I can. I am so thankful that I am surrounded by a group of staff that care so much about me. Everyday someone new comes to visit me, and I sit here thankful that I can take a full breath of air. I am thankful because I can see, I can read, and I can lookout the window here and watch birds be free and feel the sun on my face. I have a laptop here that I use and through it I can communicate with my online friends and even my mom * lol *...

jessee_smith2000 (9:02:50 AM): I have a wonderful fiancée who has stood by me 100%. I have so much to be thankful for. I know I may not make it but I am not bitter, I have enjoyed life very much, and have had the chance to experience the greatest gift of all....love. I have had the chance to enjoy love on many levels.

jessee_smith2000 (9:06:41 AM): But the most wonderful thing lesson I have gotten the chance to experience is the lesson called unconditional love. I have made a few friends on the internet, and I can honestly admit that having online friends has definitely helped me to emotionally cope with what I’m going through. Most of the time, I am in one form of pain or another and being in a continuous pain makes time go by slow. Much of the time I spend alone while the world naturally goes about its business. I understand that I cannot expect my loved ones to be there by my side every day, every hour, so I am alone a lot... I’m especially alone a lot now in this room. That’s why I am thankful to have this laptop by me. It allows me the chance to communicate with my online friends.

jessee_smith2000 (9:10:01 AM): They have been there for me on so many levels, they’ve comforted me, have allowed me to be myself, have supported me, and they’ve let me share my deepest fears. They’ve helped me get through the hardest nights, and have helped me gather the strength I need to go on with this suffering. Some people can look at the internet and say what a waste of time and money, but I can honestly say that the internet has been a great source of help in helping me deal with my illness and through it I’ve learned a great lesson...

jessee_smith2000 (9:10:21 AM): When you strip the physical dimension from a "person" and you only hear their heart....you begin to realize how beautiful a "person" really is.... And that is what I’ve learned through a computer. Funny really, how a plastic item can teach you something so phenomenal. Through a computer I’ve been able to make my way into the heart of so many and see the "trueness" of a spirit, which reminds me of how much we are blinded when we go out into public and deal with everyday people. This is true even with our “real life” friends and family. We are so blinded by the physical dimension that we don’t "see" the inner realms of the hearts of those we love so dearly and we don’t see strangers like we should... We should realize everyone is beautiful...

jessee_smith2000 (9:11:52 AM): And another lesson I’ve learned is that, no matter what we are going through, no matter what, we are all lucky. We have a second chance to do better everyday. We are loved everyday and whenever we laugh it is a gift...

jessee_smith2000 (9:16:12 AM): I may never leave this room, I may never again have the chance to go outside and smell the fresh air, but I am thankful that I did. I am thankful that I once had the chance to experience life out there, and if I ever do get the chance to go out there and get back into "life" I will never ever worry about anything. I will focus only on what’s important and that’s making each day count... Because as I know now, like today at the age of 28, life has been taken from me and it can happen at anytime. We are only here on borrowed time, and the candle we are given can burn out at anytime no matter how calm the wind is. This is the time of your life, don’t waste it. Remember you are so powerful. Powerful in the sense that you can control how your life turns out. What I mean is that even if your life seems crummy, you can control it because even a bad situation can be a good one....

jessee_smith2000 (9:22:06 AM): You just have to create a filter in your mind and only let good thoughts enter your mind. Filter out the bad thoughts; you do not need them I assure you. Look at me; I can do that too, even as trying as it sometimes may be. But instead of worrying and thinking thoughts that are negative, I can lie here and see that I am breathing. I can lie here and see that I am surrounded by many people who love me in “real life” and internet life. Every single day, I am in a warm bed, not lying on the street. I can see that I still laugh everyday which I believe is a great gift. I am still alive and I am even engaged to a man that promises to be in my life no matter what. I can also see that I have many friends who love me no matter what. So I am rich in many ways and so are you, you just have to open your eyes and see all that you have and make the positive side of life always stand out.

jessee_smith2000 (9:22:37 AM): THE END

~*~

jessee_smith2000 (9:27:09 AM): Cali that concludes Jessee’s Digital soup for the soul, but I just wanted to personally tell you one thing, I just wanted to thank you for being here for me. You amaze me everyday because you share unconditional love with me. Instead of fluffing me off, you continue to be there for me even when I talk stupid or complain. I’ve been sick for such a longtime and I know this all must be getting so old to you and I feel so badly every day, but yet you still continue to be there for me, you put up with so much from me. I try so hard to be a good friend online despite what I’m going through everyday, and sometimes I can’t help but be sad or sick and yet you still make so much time for me like you did last night. I can honestly tell you Cali that the reason I am still positive about this is because of you, and only because of you.

jessee_smith2000 (9:31:00 AM): Everyday by the end of the day, I get very discouraged and I’m ready to give up or when I run into complications like last night or when I have a dream about god wanting to take me or anything... It makes me want to honestly give up...and so I come on the internet to change my thoughts and there you are with open arms and I am able to tell you all my fears. I’m able to tell you exactly how I feel and you accept and take in everything I tell you... Like last night I shared with you my feeling that I may never walk out of here and you were there to listen to me. You just amaze me...you are an awesome friend Cali and I am thankful everyday that I was given a chance to meet you, and I am thankful…so thankful everyday that you are there

jessee_smith2000 (9:31:11 AM): I love you Cali

jessee_smith2000 (9:31:20 AM): thank you so much

© Jan. 2004 “Jessee Smith”; Pseudonym