Friday Musings Part 1 (Yes, there may be others today... check back ;)

I’ve watched this movie twice now and I still think it’s really really good. You should check out The Island with Ewan McGregor. It’s a film that I do not think did too good, but that I found to be quite good. I might even have to buy it someday.

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Ok so I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that my ex husband came over to help me with something. (When I first moved out and on my own it was not uncommon for him to stop by and help me out once in a while). While he was there he looked like something was wrong. I asked him if he was ok and he said that his girlfriend had broken up with him. That sent fear into my heart. The strange thing is he never said he wanted to get back with me, so I do not know why I was afraid. Then he did another equally strange thing, and lit up a cigarette. My ex didn’t smoke, and he had asthma so he wouldn’t smoke even if he wanted to. Thank goodness it was just a dream eh?

I wonder though what it could mean. Let’s think about this. It could mean:

1. I am longing for a return to the marriage. *SCREAMS* no way. Even if I gave that even more than a 2 second thought of possibility, and even when I think of the mistakes made in the marriage as it were, I realize that a. we were young and naïve and stupid and b. things that were done should not have been done to me. EVER for NO reason. So even if I thought well things are different, he’s older, I’m older… I do not know that I would trust him again with what I call my “Kryptonite”; my heart.


2. I’m longing to hear that the relationship he developed right under my nose while we were married is falling apart. I have a hard time believing this one. Even though the marriage was over when his relationship started we were still legally technically married and at this point in our marriage I still looked semi decent and I NEVER ONCE cheated on him. Yet he developed this relationship (there’s a story here about this relationship too, about how he wanted me to be friends with her… but that’s for another boring post). I’ll admit who wouldn’t want to hear that the person who hurt you so deeply you’re still scarred isn’t suffering just a little, particularly in the area where HE got all you wanted… but still this doesn’t ring true of me. I can’t say I wish him success in all his endeavors, but I certainly don’t wish him ill will.


3. I simply miss talking to my once upon a time friend. See my ex and I were friends before anything else. That’s unfortunately what our marriage was carried on the whole time. We cared enough about each other that we didn’t want to see each other hurt, but we knew all along the marriage wasn’t working. But, as far as this, I’m not sure I could talk to him openly about what’s going on in my life without peppering it with anger towards him or trying to play a guilt trip on him. So I’m not sure that being friends with him again would do anything but give me more stress.


4. I just miss a male factor in my life. This one of the 4 I’ve presented, probably rings the truest. I do miss a man in my life. I think the fear I have felt in that dream is the fear of actually getting to be with someone in real life. What that presents to me, is not only a sharing of space but changes to my life. Some changes I’m VERY happy to make, and others I’m afraid that I won’t make them even if I want to… Plus being with someone also means they see pretty much everything about me and what I go through. I’m not sure I trust someone that deeply. I trusted one person deeply like that and over the course of 10 years all that got me was a fear of trusting someone that runs so deep it’s tainted the blood that is in my heart. All this aside, I do miss a man in my life.

Ever since I’ve started giving a shit about how I look and really trying to be less depressive and more at least on the even… I’ve become more aware of people around me. I think for the longest time I walked around in a fog… like if I didn’t see you then you couldn’t see me, and you couldn’t hurt me then. Now I look at people in cars next to me and I catch some of them looking at me! I wonder what they’re thinking when they see me. Still my thoughts are that they’re thinking “OMG look at her, she’s so damn ugly!” (do not chastise me for this, I’m not putting myself down, but admitting what my perception of how other people particularly males see me is).

As I came home from work yesterday (now being sick for a week I haven’t done my makeup because it didn’t make much sense as often as I was blowing my nose, but I have done my hair and put lipstick on at least) I noticed as I drove past the workers who are building our decks that they were looking at me. As I got out of my car a short distance away from them, I heard whistling. I didn’t stop moving and didn’t look at them, because now (as opposed to when I was in my 20’s) whistling at me means they’re making fun of me. So I did a little mind over matter… I allowed myself to think, “They think I’m beautiful” instead of thinking “they’re making fun of me” or “They’re a bunch of perverts”. It took about 5 minutes but by the time I got into my apartment, I think in some small way I actually believed not just that they thought I was beautiful, but that I did too.

Kudos to me for not succumbing to the fear beast. What does this have to do with today?

Absolutely nothing.

But I try to celebrate small steps in life and that was a small step in the whittling away of the fear exterior I have. The more I chisel away at it, the quicker the real me who is in hiding can come out to play.

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WELL WISHES

Today in the spirit of Friday happiness, I send everyone wishes of some small measure of joy. Find something, anything that gives you joy and focus on that today. Celebrate some small step you’ve taken…any small step. Really keep that in the forefront of your mind. Let it permeate your thoughts today and really allow joy to be felt. This may come easy to some of you, but for others it may not. Regardless do try. It can only bring you happiness

XO

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AND REMEMBER:

"Success is to be measured - not so much by the position that we have reached in life - as by the obstacles that we have overcome while trying to succeed."~Booker T. Washington