"I never plucked a star from heaven before…"
The words echoed against my mind as I watched your form heading away from me and out of my life. My heart hitched in my throat and a tear stealthily crept down my cheek. I was sad, yes but I was somewhere in between sadness and acceptance. This split, this departure…was a mutual agreement. We had said our good-byes to our romance, and with solid hugs and warm whispers vowed we would return, kindling the fire of our friendship. Well, after we healed of course.
Why is it I have to wonder, that we torture ourselves with echoes of the past when faced with the present. I could hear the past clinging to my ear. In quieted moments of sharing, I could “feel” the breath against my ear as you whispered in the waning sun of the day so long ago…
“For my whole life I’ve wondered what my purpose in this world was”
Your voice so smooth, full of love came to me haunting me. The memory filled up my current space and without warning I became surrounded by the hotel room where those very words had been spoken. I watched the scene happen…again.
I looked up and into those brown eyes swimming with love for me, and smiled softly in the fading afternoon sun.
“What’s that sweetheart” I managed to whisper.
I knew the next words, not in my mind but in my heart. I knew them as if I had penned the masterpiece of love right there on parchment. Signed, sealed, delivered… I knew them.
“When I met you, I knew you were the one. I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be a part of something greater in life. That greater “thing” that part of greatness, was being a part of you.”
I couldn’t help but watch your lips move as you spoke your poetry to my soul. Your arms slid around me softly, and soon I was close to your body breathing in the essence of your soul as the words fell tumbling from your lips.
“I know now, that everything I’ve ever done was leading to this… this moment. This moment where I understand what “greatness” is.”
Leaning down slightly to kiss me, your hair fell forward into your face tickling my nose. I smiled and kissed back pressing against those lips I knew so well.
As we separated, I opened my mouth to speak and you put your finger over it silencing me without a word being spoken. Your gaze never wavering, you slipped to one knee causing my heart to jump into my throat as if it had been practicing that perfect jump for ages.
“This moment, Selene, this “greatness” that I speak of, this purpose in my life…”
I watched a tear slip down your face and I very nearly bent down to hug you and tell you I know love, I feel it too. But I stayed firm my heart yearning, my eyes disbelieving. This, I had NOT expected.
“This can only be achieved when I am with you. Your heart is the home that I’ve sought to live in forever. Your body is the temple I wish to worship with every fiber of my being, forever. Your mind is the knowledge I wish to continue to learn, forever. Your fires of passion can light a thousand torches, including the ones to my heart...and I want to light them, forever “
Your hand found mine, and mute I could only swallow, my throat dry to attempt to release the heart I held in my throat, back to my chest.
“I want to be there for you, live with you, learn from you, make love to you, be in love with you, be angry with you, be happy with you, sad with you, all of it…”
Your words ran together as your heart spoke now, spilling it’s secrets tumbling them over the edge and I couldn’t help it, I finally knelt too so we were face to face. This time it was time for my finger to cover your mouth and with a soft sigh, I looked down at the floor composing my thoughts.
“I …” my words faltered for a moment and I felt your finger under my chin, lifting my face gently. Looking up into your warm smile I knew it was ok. I knew that no matter what I was safe and I would…could… share this with you.
“I always knew what love was because I live in it. I always knew that it needed to be shared because it takes two.” Smiling at you I continued.
“But I never knew how to make love with another beyond the physical aspect. I never knew that “completeness” until you came into my life and patiently tended to my wounds while I fought you. Valiantly fighting for my sanity when I fell into the pit of despair. My hero even in this modern age coming to rescue me when I told you, harshly I might add, that I didn’t “NEED” you.”
I leaned forward our faces mere inches apart, “But I know now that without you, I am only one half. I am only less than love. I’m just the vessel ready to house it. “ Reaching for you as you reached for me we kissed passionately feverishly, all at once full of longing, understanding and completion.
Breaking for one second, your breath hot on my face, your whispered words and husky voice captivating me again “Selene, my love, please give me the honor of being with you at your side for as long as we shall live.”
I broke down into tears, crying openly mumbling at first, repeating, and then finally shouting:
“yes, yes YES!”
I smiled as I cried and locked this moment into my brain. Snapshot images of the walls of the room, the bedspread, the candles, the curtains went into the database of my mind. These images I forced to be burned into my memory so that I would always have this torch along my pathway of life…
Forced back into the present, this gray dreary world, the same tears freely fell at this memory. Your back was to me as you headed away down the train platform to wait quietly for the vehicle to take you away from me. My mind was a whirl with all the moments, leading up to now. Moments of fear where we closed off becoming afraid of what the future would bring because of what life dictated we live.
I know, I know, my mind argued with itself. Its better this way isn’t it? No fear, no worries, sure … a little sadness but… My thoughts faltered and for one moment I could hear myself clearly speaking as if I had just woken up.
“What am I doing?” I whispered. Confirming my own thoughts, speaking aloud so that I may better understand I said it again. “What the HELL am I doing?”
A passerby startled at my voice looked up, and then quickly looked away muttering under his breath, his step quickening.
Finally the memory of the moment became my clarity and I understood…I got it! Somehow the heart that had been beating so hard in my body, quickened pace, and the gray clouds overhead seemed to move in time with my thoughts, revealing a blue sky that had been there all along.
“That’s it!” I said laughing aloud. “I’ve been so foolish”!
The train approached from the other end of the walkway and suddenly you looked to be so far away from me. My smile disappeared as I started walking towards you, aware that I must get to you before the train left. Your trench coat moved in the afternoon wind while you waited patiently, and as I walked, my step quickening along with my breath, the gray day became full of color…almost as if by my steps, making this conscious choice, light could be shone. I began to run, calling your name aloud startling waiting businessmen and women.
“WAIT!” My breath came ragged as I watched you step onto the platform entering the train.
I swore my legs would fall off but I used the burning pain I felt to push them to move faster.
“Please” I cried, “wait!”
10 steps, 20, 30 how many away from you I couldn’t count, but in the end I was… too many. You disappeared swiftly into the train’s interior and it slowly started to move having accepted its passengers, heading out of the station. Even still, I kept going, I knew I MUST keep going.
“Please” I whispered, my breath failing me as I tried to reserve my energy for my legs while I continued running past the blur of people staring at me.
I heard people shouting as well but paid them no mind as the train kept going, carting away the only thing that had meant anything to my heart. Finally, I began to slow down, my body screaming in agony, my heart beating so hard I feared it would burst from my chest. My tears began to flow freely and I sobbed as I watched the train move away slowly…yet just fast enough that I couldn’t catch up.
I fell to my knees, my skirt dampening in the puddle that the previous rain had left for me to fall in. My hair fell forward around my face as my hands crept up to hold my pain, trying to catch my sobs.
“I know, love… I know now that you had been there all along.” I whispered to myself unaware of the people standing next to me.
“I don’t have to be afraid of it, because you were there right beside me all…along.” I cried then full of mourning for the stupidity of the mind, overshadowing the light of the heart.
So lost was I, so overcome with tears and rampant thoughts running through my head, that I never heard the approach. I never saw your steps, but then… I felt you.
You knelt in front of me the same way you did that very sweet day when you asked for my hand and amid a crowd of onlookers some of whom also wiped tears that fell at the sight of such profound love, you opened your heart to me again. Grasping my hands in yours pulling them away from my face, you looked at my eyes.
Slowly I raised my face and my tear-drenched eyes met yours. As I sniffled and breathed deeply my body still screaming in pain, you smiled so warmly. A thousand days have been lit by that smile. A thousand dark nights have shied away from the light in that one gesture offered so innocently. A thousand heartbeats my heart did beat at the sight of you not on the train but in front of me offering me…us, this chance again. Leaning forward amid the sound of cheers and clapping your lips touched mine and a kiss of permanence you laid upon me. Sealing the letter of our love as if it were a chapter in the book of life your kiss lit fireworks in my heart and bound my love to you.
Parting slowly, my eyes still closed, resting our foreheads against each others the only words spoken, became the fine wine filling my parched soul…
“I love you my love, my life, my wife… Let’s go home”
And so it was that the chapter of life we share called “Love lost per chance found?” finished writing itself in our hearts. And just as much as in any ending that you expect but still want to be reminded of, we stood and towards the setting sun we walked wrapped in each other’s arms oblivious to anything that existed outside the realm of “us”; just as it should be.
Epilogue:
The passengers on that platform knew not the history of the events they witnessed but they ALL knew without a shadow of a doubt that love existed because they had been touched by it’s presence that day. They went home to their wives, their husbands, and their children and showered them with love because of one single expression of pure love. It can happen to you too if you open your hearts to it.
©SKW
*****
The above piece was written by me December of 2004. It seems so long ago. This piece believe it or not wont quite a few awards and got quite a few nods of appreciation. I’m glad for that, because inspiration no matter how trivial is special and the fruits of such a sharing should be seen for what they are…special.
I haven’t written like THIS in a long time. I find inspiration sometimes comes frequently but sometimes not. My muse likes to take vacations. She returned briefly for me a short while ago, but has quickly left, only her perfume I smell in her wake. A lovely scent of Jasmine, sandalwood and Lavender. She’ll be back, I’m sure, but for now at least I have her words to regale my memory with.
*****
WELL WISHES:
To Kami: Thank you for the well wishes yesterday in my rant of a blog. It meant more to me than you know *hug*. I send you love today
To Mr. S: Thanks for going out of your way to make me feel better. I wish you happiness today.
To Mr. Uber: Thank you for understanding my irritability yesterday. I know you’re nervous today because of your drive, but you’ll be fine. I’ll be right with you *smile*.
To Everyone Else: Kelli, Mr. Quiet Strength, Mr. Serenader, Dana, Beth, Kyle, Roze, Sober in the city, Shaun, Tony, FISH!, Mom, and any others I haven’t named directly. I wish you a vivid picture of the rising sun today that it should warm your heart particularly when you need it the most.
XO to all!
*****
AND REMEMBER:
If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.
~Buddha
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