The 5 Steps of Greiving... Step 2; ANGER

I am angry today.

I am angry with the hospital system, with red tape, with people who don’t understand that despite statistics and things this is still scary! I suppose I'm angry too that I even have this cancer.

As people deal with things their own way, I’ve heard all manner of things designed to be comforting recently…

“I told everybody for you, as I know you’re emotional and would have preferred I do that”

“Well at least you have an identifiable cancer”

That last one topped the list today. Well I suppose if there is anything I have to be grateful for in this, it’s that I have an identifiable cancer. And I’m sure the person being referred to is going through hell and has my sympathies even more so now that *I* have cancer, but knowing that does NOT MAKE THIS ANY LESS SCARY.

Cancer in and of itself is scary as hell. My life is going to be forever permanently altered. I will always be looking over my shoulder (if they get it all) wondering if I will ever have a recurrence. I will always stop on occasion and see children and even in its smallest measure hear a voice in my head “Well you won’t be doing that”. And the biggest piece of this folks is that while the numbers are high for success in surgery etc, the % is only as high as SEVENTY. That means 70% of these things are successful according to statistics. That’s better than half but not nearly close to 100% as I would like.

Please for the love of my sanity instead of trying to force me to think positive, embrace that there are fears here that I have and accept them along with giving me positivity. I’m scared out of mind and the ineptitude of the people at the hospital I am supposed to go to isn't helping either!

The latest on that is I’m waiting for the nurse to call me back to schedule an appointment. It took me nearly three days to get a hold of someone (and trust me it was only at MY insistence that anyone even listened) just to tell them that their precious bill would be paid. That’s just for the consult!

Then the glorious doctor can choose whether or not she will perform the surgery on me. She can CHOOSE?! I’m sorry there are people out there that abuse the system, and I know she doesn’t know me but I am not the same as another person and to assume I am is poor judgment on her part.

I thought Doctors took an oath to heal? (and for those of you shaking your heads and saying I should understand that people need to get paid for their work, YES I agree, but to treat everyone as if they’ll screw you especially with a life threatening disease is wrong.)

As far as the first thing “Comforting” statement above… Oh really? Did I since getting diagnosed with cancer lose my ability to have the FREEDOM to choose who knows? Yes I posted it in my blog, but people I would still like to have the freedom to choose who of the people I deal with in real life knows. Getting cancer isn’t a diagnosis of lost sanity you know.

Lastly, I’m angry that I have to censor how I feel. Until I have this major surgery, I have no clue how serious this cancer is in the terms of spreading. It may be very simple, remove it and its done, but it may not. So until I know that, I’m going to be thinking of death, of planning a will, of the fact that I will be ok, the benefits of having this done, and a whole host of other things. This is HEALTHY to go through. If you do not want to hear about my sadness over it, then tell me, I’ll talk of it elsewhere, but it must be expressed along with the hope that I will be ok.

And finally for those of you who think I shouldn’t have told anyone. Well, that too was my choice. I didn’t choose to get cancer, but I do choose to surround myself with as many who people that *may* have the ability and/or desire to help me, even if just in words, person, financially etc.

~*~

Now, lest you all think I’ve turned into a raving psycho, I do want to say thank you to the people who continually support me, offer me love and well wishes. I can use all of them and look forward to being able to look back on this and say “I survived”, and know that it was largely due to all of you.

I love you my friends.

(Sorry for no inspirations, blessings, or well wishes today. It was decided at work that busier would be better for me, and as such because I’ve been so busy I haven’t found any to post here and I don’t have time to dig them up. They will resume in the next posting which may or may not be later today.)