Memories From a Not So Distant Place

I received an email today from someone who hadn’t been aware of my cancer and surgery. It’s funny, after all this time (having my first successful post op with no cancer in January)I kind of felt removed from the whole thing as time has moved on. And yet at the receipt of this email the emotions all came back and as I thought about it, I realized; for the last few days thoughts of this nature had already been on my mind.

I was reflecting yesterday on my drive home from work, about how this time last year I was starting to feel really sick and had no clue what was wrong. This time last year (April) I had been rushed to the ER due to loss of blood where I was diagnosed as Anemic...That’s all. I saw this while I was driving kind of like a hologram of images in front of my windshield. And it made me pause and think wow; it’s been a hell of a year.

I find now, that after it’s all said and done and even though I’ve not dealt with it all, that now the past is starting to get fuzzy. The fear and panic I felt at hearing the doctor say the word “cancer” are a memory shared in whispers among those who were the first to find out as I sobbed on the phone to them uncontrollably.

I remembered last night as I was falling asleep the day I went to the doctor and “signed my first born away”. And there were no tears; not that there wasn’t sadness, there was. There was immense sadness, but no tears. I remembered the “Letter to my unborn child”, that came out of nowhere surprising even me with its depth and existence. And finally I went after I couldn’t hold back the apparent flood of memories anymore and re-read my fervent prayer where I laid my heart out bare for all online to see.

THEN the tears came and they washed over me with no less intensity than that of a wave angrily crashing against the unaware shore, washing all the sand, rocks and pebbles away in one fell swoop. After a time when the tears stopped, turning into sniffles, shudders, and the occasional constant yawns of sleep approaching instead; I went to bed and dreamt of nothing, but slept.

But then morning came and life like it always does, gently caressed my mind and sight making the memories look foggy again so I could go about my day. Now, I sit at my desk again the thoughts creeping in quietly, reminding me of the things I should never forget.

1. I had cancer
2. I survived cancer
3. My cancer is not trivial just because I didn’t have chemo and radiation
4. I’m going to be sad on occasion, reflective more than not, and get lost on the path of memories more than I think
5. I’m still very afraid that it will return
6. Cancer is a HORRIBLE experience to go through regardless of the level at which you have it.
7. That many people suffer this (even ongoing) and I have big hugs for them.
8. It’s ok for me to be sad
9. The loss of my internal female organs, is just as traumatic a loss as that felt in any other way.
10. It's ok to acknowledge that just because I’m cured doesn’t mean I didn’t go through a traumatic experience. I don’t have to feel like nothing happened just because it’s “over”.
11. That I should always remember the way I felt so I can support anyone else who ever needs it.
12. That little things will always make me remember when I least expect it, and that’s ok too.
13. That I’m ok, and so are my thoughts and emotions regardless of what or where people think I should be in my path of self/mind restoration.

There is no real point to this post other than acknowledging the past, recognizing that it has interrupted my day, and letting it go so I can continue to move on.

It’s harder than you think, and yet there is peace to be found when you do it.

“…send your angels to hold my hand. Just let them hold my hand.” Prayer from a Muse.

~*~*~*~*~*~
To anyone reading this, known or not; You are a blessing to me everyday, more so than you can know.