Shades of Blue
The shades were drawn tightly today
So the sun couldn’t shine through
They filtered in only miniscule light
Producing the softest shade of blue
Melancholy though I was
I preferred my solitude
Sitting on the bed so soft
Immersed in my feelings of blue
When life makes a huge change in you
You must learn again what’s true
And while you come to terms with it,
You must experience some blue.
Today my eyes are dry & clear,
My spirit has been renewed.
Though I still feel sometimes alone,
I can smile today at the color blue.
~*~*~*~*~*~
That was my entry for the Poetry Thursday poem of the week. I’ve been very quiet with respect to writing since my diagnosis, because I was afraid of what I might say. This is my first piece about my cancer. It’s not my best, but it’s what flowed without any halting stops along the way. My emotions range from the normal and accepted to the bleak and desperate. It is truly a process to discover and tend to one’s emotions in times of crisis.
In another lifetime I had sought to go back to school. I had actually gotten as far as choosing my school and my degree. I’m looking still after I recover if possible to do this… Here is a link to the school, courses and eventual degree I would be endeavoring towards.
Some may have some very strong opinion about the degree type. In my opinion, since the day I saw this class and school back in April of this year, I haven’t felt anything so “right”. So should I survive this and have recovery and years ahead of me, I intend to do this and will continue to open the wellness center (5 year goal). In the wellness center I will offer counseling on all forms of health, women’s health, and programs to help women and people who’ve been diagnosed with life threatening diseases FIND the HELP THEY NEED.
That is my goal.
I pray I get there…and I pray I never forget the way I feel about being mistreated by the health care industry when all I want to do is live. I hope that fire fuels my desire to help others for a long time.
That is my prayer.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
BC/AC; A Tale of Two Lives...
“I expect to pass through the world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer it, for I shall not pass this way again.” — Stephen Grellet, French/American religious leader (1773-1855)
“Our duty is to be useful, not according to our desires but according to our powers.” — Henri F. Amiel, Swiss writer (1821-1881)
“Compassion is the basis of morality.'' — Arthur Schopenhauer, German philosopher (1788-1860)
~*~*~*~*~*~
8-28-06 11:30am BC:
On my way to my local Toyota dealer to drop my car off, I was blissfully unaware that in the next ten minutes my life would forever change. In 10 minutes time, I would be moved from the current of a mid thirty something’s routine life (albeit slightly depressed) to a Cancer patient’s life. I remember, I was on the phone talking with someone, sitting in the parking lot of a fast food place eating my lunch as fast as I could so I could drop the car off.
8-28-06 11:40am AC:
And then the phone rang…
My other line rang and it was the doctors office and still when the twinge of dread came over me, I didn’t understand why? The doctor had the tones of someone delivering bad news, soft spoken, serious, yet quiet… And when she said that I had cancer, all the light around me began to disappear. It was odd, it didn’t just disappear, it “withdrew” into a vacuum tunnel of darkness. Soon there was just an aura around myself and the phone I held through which, no voices were speaking anymore.
I don’t remember telling the doctor that I had to call her back, but apparently that’s what I did. I told her I couldn’t hear her and I would have to call her back. I don’t remember telling the person I was on the phone with, I don’t remember calling Mrs. Virgo, I don’t remember caling my mom but I did.
Starting that day and for the next week and a few days leading up to today, I’ve cried so many tears. I cried so much that first week that everyday my eyes were swollen. My emotion about this shows itself today in my anger over my treatment (or lack thereof) by the hospital who is supposed to care for me as a person and want to save my life.
I will make another post today, about my dealings with Loyola Hospital. I thought about it for a long time, and after my surgery, after I get better I intend to make sure that there is some protection for people from places treating them like dollar signs instead of patients which is to this day how I’ve been treated by them. I will post it today so it can be chronicled in case something happens to me through the course of this cancer. Because when I’m done, I don’t know how or what but I intend to take action. Because the LAST thing a person diagnosed with cancer (or ANY disease) needs is to be made the feel like they’re a piece of shit no MATTER their circumstance. It’s hard enough to know your life *could* be on the line. Insensitivity has no place in dealings such as these…
9-6-06 7:30am AC:
I sit here at this desk this morning mentally trying to prepare my mind up for the days struggles. It’s funny now how slowly this cancer and its related tasks as integrating themselves into my life. Mentally I begin to tick off the “Honey Do” list of things I need to get done. I have to order some phone lines for some customers today, oh and can’t forget to get my biopsy slides after work (said with all the casualty of going to pick up the laundry). Have to get up early for an appointment with a doctor who could care less about anything except that I pay in full for this visit tomorrow. Must get coffee too… To give you an idea of how confused I get, today I put my shirt on backwards and I *just* noticed it now…
I feel like I’ve lived two lives thus far. The one I was born with (BC = Before Cancer) and the one I was forced into (AC = After Cancer).
When I live “outside” of this life with cancer I try everyday to look at it getting used to knowing it’s there, because for the rest of my life cancer will always be there. It’s still too painful to look at all the time, but at least I can glance in the direction of my life with cancer and not burst into tears as I did last week.
In the midst of all this, a team has been assembled. Somehow folks who gravitated towards the sound of my calls have come together from all walks of life to support me. And while I deal with this, I try to be grateful for the support I get. Today’s DailyOm talks about the Sacred Sentinels and it was appropriate for today’s post. Even though this post is fairly serious in tone, it is not ever without its light.
Here now, is the DailyOm that spoke to me this morning and reminded me as I felt some sadness over this whole thing, that people have gathered… and despite this cancer trying to remove me from these people that people do care. I can see them holding hands and standing strong forming a barrier (circle) of light around me…and this morning, that image has staved off the tears one more time. That is a wonderful thing.
XO
~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION
Sacred Sentinels
Assembling Your Light Team
Each of us, whether we realize it or not, moves through life in the company of beings whose task is to watch over us. These ancestors, spirit guides, angels, guardians, and ascended masters designated to serve as protectors and guides take pleasure in their roles yet cannot assist us without first being asked. Since the origins of our sacred sentinels differ, we may choose whom we call upon for help based on the situation at hand. However, in certain circumstances, particularly those in which time is of the essence or there is the potential for harm, we may feel the need to surround ourselves with our entire complement of benevolent, watchful guardians at a moment's notice. To do so, a great shortcut is to create and assemble a light team-a group of spirit helpers who will come to our aid when we utter a simple word or phrase.
The creation of a light team begins with the dedication of the words that will serve as a shortcut in your time of distress, signaling to your sentinels that you are requesting their support. Meditation, at an altar or otherwise, can help you attract their attention, affording you an opportunity to articulate your desire that they work in tandem in certain instances. Creating a short ceremony in which you surround yourself with objects you associate with the helpers you wish to assign to your light team can ensure that those beings are in attendance as you designate your shortcut. Creating this shortcut is simply a tool. You can employ "light team" as your rallying cry or any other words you feel comfortable using. The numerous guides and guardians that see to your welfare will accept your choice gladly and respond instantaneously when called.
Your light team will be there to assist you in those dangerous, chaotic, or confounding moments when you don't have the time, energy, or opportunity to center yourself and meditate on individual sentinels. You can also call upon them when seeking guidance that originates from a variety of perspectives. Whether the support they provide comes in the form of guidance or wisdom, their combined presence will give you a sense of security that strengthens you and reminds you that you are never alone.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
I can be sad all I like about this cancer. I can be afraid as well, but I will never be without well wishes for anyone, no matter what.
Today, I wish you a day of recognition. May you look to your significant other, to your friends and see truly, how precious they are. Instead of people, see the angels inside each other and recognize them, and love them.
*Big hugs to you to all*
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER:
“You have not lived a perfect day, even though you have earned your money, unless you have done something for someone who cannot repay you.” — Ruth Smeltzer
“Our duty is to be useful, not according to our desires but according to our powers.” — Henri F. Amiel, Swiss writer (1821-1881)
“Compassion is the basis of morality.'' — Arthur Schopenhauer, German philosopher (1788-1860)
~*~*~*~*~*~
8-28-06 11:30am BC:
On my way to my local Toyota dealer to drop my car off, I was blissfully unaware that in the next ten minutes my life would forever change. In 10 minutes time, I would be moved from the current of a mid thirty something’s routine life (albeit slightly depressed) to a Cancer patient’s life. I remember, I was on the phone talking with someone, sitting in the parking lot of a fast food place eating my lunch as fast as I could so I could drop the car off.
8-28-06 11:40am AC:
And then the phone rang…
My other line rang and it was the doctors office and still when the twinge of dread came over me, I didn’t understand why? The doctor had the tones of someone delivering bad news, soft spoken, serious, yet quiet… And when she said that I had cancer, all the light around me began to disappear. It was odd, it didn’t just disappear, it “withdrew” into a vacuum tunnel of darkness. Soon there was just an aura around myself and the phone I held through which, no voices were speaking anymore.
I don’t remember telling the doctor that I had to call her back, but apparently that’s what I did. I told her I couldn’t hear her and I would have to call her back. I don’t remember telling the person I was on the phone with, I don’t remember calling Mrs. Virgo, I don’t remember caling my mom but I did.
Starting that day and for the next week and a few days leading up to today, I’ve cried so many tears. I cried so much that first week that everyday my eyes were swollen. My emotion about this shows itself today in my anger over my treatment (or lack thereof) by the hospital who is supposed to care for me as a person and want to save my life.
I will make another post today, about my dealings with Loyola Hospital. I thought about it for a long time, and after my surgery, after I get better I intend to make sure that there is some protection for people from places treating them like dollar signs instead of patients which is to this day how I’ve been treated by them. I will post it today so it can be chronicled in case something happens to me through the course of this cancer. Because when I’m done, I don’t know how or what but I intend to take action. Because the LAST thing a person diagnosed with cancer (or ANY disease) needs is to be made the feel like they’re a piece of shit no MATTER their circumstance. It’s hard enough to know your life *could* be on the line. Insensitivity has no place in dealings such as these…
9-6-06 7:30am AC:
I sit here at this desk this morning mentally trying to prepare my mind up for the days struggles. It’s funny now how slowly this cancer and its related tasks as integrating themselves into my life. Mentally I begin to tick off the “Honey Do” list of things I need to get done. I have to order some phone lines for some customers today, oh and can’t forget to get my biopsy slides after work (said with all the casualty of going to pick up the laundry). Have to get up early for an appointment with a doctor who could care less about anything except that I pay in full for this visit tomorrow. Must get coffee too… To give you an idea of how confused I get, today I put my shirt on backwards and I *just* noticed it now…
I feel like I’ve lived two lives thus far. The one I was born with (BC = Before Cancer) and the one I was forced into (AC = After Cancer).
When I live “outside” of this life with cancer I try everyday to look at it getting used to knowing it’s there, because for the rest of my life cancer will always be there. It’s still too painful to look at all the time, but at least I can glance in the direction of my life with cancer and not burst into tears as I did last week.
In the midst of all this, a team has been assembled. Somehow folks who gravitated towards the sound of my calls have come together from all walks of life to support me. And while I deal with this, I try to be grateful for the support I get. Today’s DailyOm talks about the Sacred Sentinels and it was appropriate for today’s post. Even though this post is fairly serious in tone, it is not ever without its light.
Here now, is the DailyOm that spoke to me this morning and reminded me as I felt some sadness over this whole thing, that people have gathered… and despite this cancer trying to remove me from these people that people do care. I can see them holding hands and standing strong forming a barrier (circle) of light around me…and this morning, that image has staved off the tears one more time. That is a wonderful thing.
XO
~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION
Sacred Sentinels
Assembling Your Light Team
Each of us, whether we realize it or not, moves through life in the company of beings whose task is to watch over us. These ancestors, spirit guides, angels, guardians, and ascended masters designated to serve as protectors and guides take pleasure in their roles yet cannot assist us without first being asked. Since the origins of our sacred sentinels differ, we may choose whom we call upon for help based on the situation at hand. However, in certain circumstances, particularly those in which time is of the essence or there is the potential for harm, we may feel the need to surround ourselves with our entire complement of benevolent, watchful guardians at a moment's notice. To do so, a great shortcut is to create and assemble a light team-a group of spirit helpers who will come to our aid when we utter a simple word or phrase.
The creation of a light team begins with the dedication of the words that will serve as a shortcut in your time of distress, signaling to your sentinels that you are requesting their support. Meditation, at an altar or otherwise, can help you attract their attention, affording you an opportunity to articulate your desire that they work in tandem in certain instances. Creating a short ceremony in which you surround yourself with objects you associate with the helpers you wish to assign to your light team can ensure that those beings are in attendance as you designate your shortcut. Creating this shortcut is simply a tool. You can employ "light team" as your rallying cry or any other words you feel comfortable using. The numerous guides and guardians that see to your welfare will accept your choice gladly and respond instantaneously when called.
Your light team will be there to assist you in those dangerous, chaotic, or confounding moments when you don't have the time, energy, or opportunity to center yourself and meditate on individual sentinels. You can also call upon them when seeking guidance that originates from a variety of perspectives. Whether the support they provide comes in the form of guidance or wisdom, their combined presence will give you a sense of security that strengthens you and reminds you that you are never alone.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
I can be sad all I like about this cancer. I can be afraid as well, but I will never be without well wishes for anyone, no matter what.
Today, I wish you a day of recognition. May you look to your significant other, to your friends and see truly, how precious they are. Instead of people, see the angels inside each other and recognize them, and love them.
*Big hugs to you to all*
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER:
“You have not lived a perfect day, even though you have earned your money, unless you have done something for someone who cannot repay you.” — Ruth Smeltzer
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Quotes of Light for those in Need of it...
I have re-written this post about 5 times now, finally settling for the thing that always works for me…words of light.
I knew today would be rough. I knew that I would be swimming in the pools of cancer terminology as I learn about my disease, wading through a sea of red tape trying to get a government organization to help me, and forcing my case to fall upon those with deaf ears who would rather ignore my plight because it represents THEIR OWN mortality to them. I knew today would be tough and as I continue to swim desperate to tread water in the icy depths of fear, I reach for the only life preserver I’ve ever known.
Surrounding myself with light, positivity, energy, and love is the only way I know how to be calm (short of my mother’s hugs when I was a child). And so as the morning onslaught of panic sets in at the rising costs of the procedure that stands to save my life, I push it away defiantly and turn my back on it, robbing it of its importance.
Instead I face the window that looks into my sanctuary of peace where people have begun to gather in my mind and smile as their numbers are growing. I see only smiling faces, outstretched arms, and whispered words of love and support floating about enveloping me as they’re spoken in peaceful tones to my starved ear.
Today, I’m going to face that window as best as I can and leave the demons of fear and panic behind me tugging at my clothing threatening to break me down. If I fall I will do so facing the window into the world where my friends are and where people who care for me reside. It is all I can do…
~*~*~*~*~*~
Quotes of Light for those that need them.
Read each one, and let it wash over your spirit. Let it renew you and offer you peace. You don’t have to be in crisis to need inspiration. Let me give that to you here, now, and let your spirit be free.
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are. It is love of parents for child; also the non-possessive love of partners; also the caring love for all people that enables forgiveness. It is not the emotional lust of being 'in love' though that may well be in alignment with true love - or unaligned, as in jealousy. It's above energy, though it may be expressed energetically; it's Spirit itself, the nature of God, the quality we share with God; and it is the binding force of the Universe, necessary for all Creation." --Peter Shepherd
"Take time to work - it is the price of success
Take time to think - it is the source of power
Take time to play - it is the secret of perpetual youth
Take time to read - it is the fountain of wisdom
Take time to be friendly - it is the road to happiness
Take time to love and be loved - it is the nourishment of the soul
Take time to share - it is too short a life to be selfish
Take time to laugh - it is the music of the heart
Take time to dream - it is hitching your wagon to a star."
--anonymous
"The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well." --Elisabeth Kubler Ross
"Energy is the essence of life. Every day you decide how you're going to use it by knowing what you want and what it takes to reach that goal, and by maintaining focus." --Oprah Winfrey
"Love is much more fundamental than any kind of thinking or believing. It is the root and basis of who you are, at the most fundamental level. This means that anything other than love as an expression of your being is artificial and unnatural and is a result of not knowing who you are." --Bill Harris
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched... but are felt in the heart." --Helen Keller
"Happiness is the experience of loving life. Being happy is being in love with that momentary experience. And love is looking at someone or even something and seeing the absolute best in him/her or it. Love is happiness with what you see. So love and happiness really are the same thing... just expressed differently." --Robert McPhillips
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy that is translated through you; and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique." --Martha Graham
"I am not bound to win, I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to the light I have." -Abraham Lincoln
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." --Melody Beattie
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today I wish you all a beautiful day free of pain, fear, or loss. May you see the clouds in the sky with eyes seeing only beauty. May you see the gentle swaying of the trees in the wind and smile in peace. May you be calming as much as feel calm. And may you love others truly, and hug others tightly.
You are a blessing to me today… ALL of you
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
"If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person. If there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house. If there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation.If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world."--Chinese Proverb
I knew today would be rough. I knew that I would be swimming in the pools of cancer terminology as I learn about my disease, wading through a sea of red tape trying to get a government organization to help me, and forcing my case to fall upon those with deaf ears who would rather ignore my plight because it represents THEIR OWN mortality to them. I knew today would be tough and as I continue to swim desperate to tread water in the icy depths of fear, I reach for the only life preserver I’ve ever known.
Surrounding myself with light, positivity, energy, and love is the only way I know how to be calm (short of my mother’s hugs when I was a child). And so as the morning onslaught of panic sets in at the rising costs of the procedure that stands to save my life, I push it away defiantly and turn my back on it, robbing it of its importance.
Instead I face the window that looks into my sanctuary of peace where people have begun to gather in my mind and smile as their numbers are growing. I see only smiling faces, outstretched arms, and whispered words of love and support floating about enveloping me as they’re spoken in peaceful tones to my starved ear.
Today, I’m going to face that window as best as I can and leave the demons of fear and panic behind me tugging at my clothing threatening to break me down. If I fall I will do so facing the window into the world where my friends are and where people who care for me reside. It is all I can do…
~*~*~*~*~*~
Quotes of Light for those that need them.
Read each one, and let it wash over your spirit. Let it renew you and offer you peace. You don’t have to be in crisis to need inspiration. Let me give that to you here, now, and let your spirit be free.
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are. It is love of parents for child; also the non-possessive love of partners; also the caring love for all people that enables forgiveness. It is not the emotional lust of being 'in love' though that may well be in alignment with true love - or unaligned, as in jealousy. It's above energy, though it may be expressed energetically; it's Spirit itself, the nature of God, the quality we share with God; and it is the binding force of the Universe, necessary for all Creation." --Peter Shepherd
"Take time to work - it is the price of success
Take time to think - it is the source of power
Take time to play - it is the secret of perpetual youth
Take time to read - it is the fountain of wisdom
Take time to be friendly - it is the road to happiness
Take time to love and be loved - it is the nourishment of the soul
Take time to share - it is too short a life to be selfish
Take time to laugh - it is the music of the heart
Take time to dream - it is hitching your wagon to a star."
--anonymous
"The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well." --Elisabeth Kubler Ross
"Energy is the essence of life. Every day you decide how you're going to use it by knowing what you want and what it takes to reach that goal, and by maintaining focus." --Oprah Winfrey
"Love is much more fundamental than any kind of thinking or believing. It is the root and basis of who you are, at the most fundamental level. This means that anything other than love as an expression of your being is artificial and unnatural and is a result of not knowing who you are." --Bill Harris
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched... but are felt in the heart." --Helen Keller
"Happiness is the experience of loving life. Being happy is being in love with that momentary experience. And love is looking at someone or even something and seeing the absolute best in him/her or it. Love is happiness with what you see. So love and happiness really are the same thing... just expressed differently." --Robert McPhillips
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy that is translated through you; and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique." --Martha Graham
"I am not bound to win, I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to the light I have." -Abraham Lincoln
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." --Melody Beattie
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today I wish you all a beautiful day free of pain, fear, or loss. May you see the clouds in the sky with eyes seeing only beauty. May you see the gentle swaying of the trees in the wind and smile in peace. May you be calming as much as feel calm. And may you love others truly, and hug others tightly.
You are a blessing to me today… ALL of you
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
"If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person. If there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house. If there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation.If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world."--Chinese Proverb
The Donate button to the right...
I had to do it… I am so sorry, but I had to do it.
I went to the MedicAid office this morning and spoke to a supervisor. Because I’m not 65, or not an unwed mother, there are no financial programs available to aid me in my plight. The only thing they can do is submit my application to the Springfield Illinois headquarters, and if THEIR doctors determine this is a “disability” and approve me, I may get *some* financial aid. This takes 3-4 months for approval and an additional 45 days for payment.
The thing that bothers me is that if it’s Life or Death, there is no help. I have no idea what to do about this.
I’m researching other ways to get aid, but it’s not looking hopeful. Forgive me for adding a paypal button to my blog, but I just had to.
I would never, ever ask for money. Anyone that knows me knows I HATE taking money from people. All the things I’ve run online, I’ve paid for to give them TO people. but I cannot do that anymore.
I’m in a situation where I’m praying and hoping for the kindness of my peers, my friends, and those with a compassionate heart. I’ve included the link to the Utopia Skye forums where the thread about my diagnosis resides. There is information there as to how to donate, as well as the donate button on this blog that HAD to be added. Additionally there is a PO Box if people wish to donate but are uncomfortable donating online.
I can’t even tell you how sad I am that I cannot get any assistance from our system that was supposedly designed to help the public, or from the hospital. Please don’t make me sad about our humanity, our compassion. I can only tell you that anything is helpful.
Anything, prayers, support, words of encouragement, donations, ANYTHING…
More later…
I went to the MedicAid office this morning and spoke to a supervisor. Because I’m not 65, or not an unwed mother, there are no financial programs available to aid me in my plight. The only thing they can do is submit my application to the Springfield Illinois headquarters, and if THEIR doctors determine this is a “disability” and approve me, I may get *some* financial aid. This takes 3-4 months for approval and an additional 45 days for payment.
The thing that bothers me is that if it’s Life or Death, there is no help. I have no idea what to do about this.
I’m researching other ways to get aid, but it’s not looking hopeful. Forgive me for adding a paypal button to my blog, but I just had to.
I would never, ever ask for money. Anyone that knows me knows I HATE taking money from people. All the things I’ve run online, I’ve paid for to give them TO people. but I cannot do that anymore.
I’m in a situation where I’m praying and hoping for the kindness of my peers, my friends, and those with a compassionate heart. I’ve included the link to the Utopia Skye forums where the thread about my diagnosis resides. There is information there as to how to donate, as well as the donate button on this blog that HAD to be added. Additionally there is a PO Box if people wish to donate but are uncomfortable donating online.
I can’t even tell you how sad I am that I cannot get any assistance from our system that was supposedly designed to help the public, or from the hospital. Please don’t make me sad about our humanity, our compassion. I can only tell you that anything is helpful.
Anything, prayers, support, words of encouragement, donations, ANYTHING…
More later…
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Delusions...Solitude...**Special weekend post**
This weekend is my weekend to be human. I know, I know, I AM human, but ever since 8-28-06 at 11:40am I became a human living with a disease.
In the very short span of 5 (well 6 now) days, I've been through more emotion than I've allowed myself to feel in the past three years. I've learned quickly to eat humble pie and ask for prayers, help, and intentions. I've been inuslted, I've been told to act a certain way, and I've had to take more responsibility for my own care because the healthcare industry doesn't want to because I don't have insurance.
I've lived a couple of hellish months in just one short week.
This weekend thus far, I've largely been able to ignore my cancer. With the exception of the mild pains I get now in my abdomen (psychosomatic? who knows) and the occasional rolling fevers that make me sweat, I've somehow been able to laugh, been inspired again, and perhaps even felt love. But reality always comes back. The realization that I am now different than others sits at the back of my mind waiting for the inopportune time to remind me that it will never go away.
I've been living in solitude at home the past two days. Friday and Saturday I spent doing what I wanted living by *my* schedule. This schedule didn't include making sure I called Medicaid, learning about the tehcnical portions of Hysterectomies, or learning about and having awakenings with regards to cancer. This schedule included simply "being". I slept a lot, I spent an inordinate amount of time in game, I didn't answer my phone, Hell, I didn't even shower every single day. It was nice.
But reality still exists. And it's a reality I will have to go back to... but not today. Today, I am going to clean my apartment. I'm going to open my windows and breathe deep of fresh air. I'm going to nap on my couch while watching TV, and tonight I'm going to open that last bottle of wine I have, (the White Zinfandel) and I'm going to enjoy it.
So, forgive me my friends who have wished they could talk to me. Forgive me, those who are concerned for me because you haven't heard from me. Forgive me, my selfishness this weekend. I have no excuse other than, reclaiming some time that was stolen from me.
~*~
As for any update:
1. I heard back from the Nurse from hell on Friday. She was a complete 360 degrees different than before. I don't know what happened but in discussion with my mother we decided to push our anger aside and take the appointment with the first referred doctor from Loyola. Loyola and Northwestern Memorial are the two most renowned cancer hospitals in the Chicago area. The fact that the doctor's nurse was more unpleasant than I'm sure she needed to be, should not be a factor in my getting the best healthcare. It helped too that she had some suggestions for medicaid that *may *(cross your firngers folks) provide me a means to completely get my hospital time paid for. This means I only have to find a way to pay the existing doctors bills, and my october living bills as I'll be out of work for nearly a month. I still have to be approved by medicaid so nothing is certain, though perhaps there is more hope than there was.
2. I go Tuesday to the Medicaid office to try and get approved. Wish me luck
3. I go Thursday for my "second opinion" appointment with the Doctor from Loyola.
4. After that visit, I'll schedule my surgery sometime the week after so I can get back to my life.
I do not need to tell you just how scared I am of this procedure, of its implications, etc. I could die on the table just from the anethsetic, I could have more cancer than we know of, I could have more complications. These are things ABOVE and BEYOND the emotional ties to losing what I perceive to be the biggest sign of my femininity. This is above and beyond the fears of looming additionall threat of breast cancer, due to having to take hormone therapy pills for 10-15 years because I'll be in "forced menopause". I haven't even begun to touch the tip of the iceberg in emotional issues here...so bear with me as I continue on this roller coaster ride. It wont be easy.
~*~
As much as I may be sad for my plight, afraid for my future, or worried about money. I am still grateful everyday for the support I DO receive. Thank you to the few who contributed. Your contributions now or in the future will help me more than you know. Thank you to those who pray, who have gotten entire churches, covens, organizations involved in the prayer chain. Thank you to those who in game have stood silently by me while I expressed my deepest fears. Thank you to Mrs. Virgo for stopping her life if I would ask her to, just to be able to help me. Thank you to Jules for offering to organize a "Race for the Treatment" for me even though she has never met me. Thank you to so many people, so many places, for so many things. Thank you to EVERYONE for EVERYTHING you do. I may be sad, full of tears and fear, but I am never without the bright light of hope that your support has given me. You keep my light going when I cannot. That is not something eveyone can do.
You are a blessing to me...everyday
XO
In the very short span of 5 (well 6 now) days, I've been through more emotion than I've allowed myself to feel in the past three years. I've learned quickly to eat humble pie and ask for prayers, help, and intentions. I've been inuslted, I've been told to act a certain way, and I've had to take more responsibility for my own care because the healthcare industry doesn't want to because I don't have insurance.
I've lived a couple of hellish months in just one short week.
This weekend thus far, I've largely been able to ignore my cancer. With the exception of the mild pains I get now in my abdomen (psychosomatic? who knows) and the occasional rolling fevers that make me sweat, I've somehow been able to laugh, been inspired again, and perhaps even felt love. But reality always comes back. The realization that I am now different than others sits at the back of my mind waiting for the inopportune time to remind me that it will never go away.
I've been living in solitude at home the past two days. Friday and Saturday I spent doing what I wanted living by *my* schedule. This schedule didn't include making sure I called Medicaid, learning about the tehcnical portions of Hysterectomies, or learning about and having awakenings with regards to cancer. This schedule included simply "being". I slept a lot, I spent an inordinate amount of time in game, I didn't answer my phone, Hell, I didn't even shower every single day. It was nice.
But reality still exists. And it's a reality I will have to go back to... but not today. Today, I am going to clean my apartment. I'm going to open my windows and breathe deep of fresh air. I'm going to nap on my couch while watching TV, and tonight I'm going to open that last bottle of wine I have, (the White Zinfandel) and I'm going to enjoy it.
So, forgive me my friends who have wished they could talk to me. Forgive me, those who are concerned for me because you haven't heard from me. Forgive me, my selfishness this weekend. I have no excuse other than, reclaiming some time that was stolen from me.
~*~
As for any update:
1. I heard back from the Nurse from hell on Friday. She was a complete 360 degrees different than before. I don't know what happened but in discussion with my mother we decided to push our anger aside and take the appointment with the first referred doctor from Loyola. Loyola and Northwestern Memorial are the two most renowned cancer hospitals in the Chicago area. The fact that the doctor's nurse was more unpleasant than I'm sure she needed to be, should not be a factor in my getting the best healthcare. It helped too that she had some suggestions for medicaid that *may *(cross your firngers folks) provide me a means to completely get my hospital time paid for. This means I only have to find a way to pay the existing doctors bills, and my october living bills as I'll be out of work for nearly a month. I still have to be approved by medicaid so nothing is certain, though perhaps there is more hope than there was.
2. I go Tuesday to the Medicaid office to try and get approved. Wish me luck
3. I go Thursday for my "second opinion" appointment with the Doctor from Loyola.
4. After that visit, I'll schedule my surgery sometime the week after so I can get back to my life.
I do not need to tell you just how scared I am of this procedure, of its implications, etc. I could die on the table just from the anethsetic, I could have more cancer than we know of, I could have more complications. These are things ABOVE and BEYOND the emotional ties to losing what I perceive to be the biggest sign of my femininity. This is above and beyond the fears of looming additionall threat of breast cancer, due to having to take hormone therapy pills for 10-15 years because I'll be in "forced menopause". I haven't even begun to touch the tip of the iceberg in emotional issues here...so bear with me as I continue on this roller coaster ride. It wont be easy.
~*~
As much as I may be sad for my plight, afraid for my future, or worried about money. I am still grateful everyday for the support I DO receive. Thank you to the few who contributed. Your contributions now or in the future will help me more than you know. Thank you to those who pray, who have gotten entire churches, covens, organizations involved in the prayer chain. Thank you to those who in game have stood silently by me while I expressed my deepest fears. Thank you to Mrs. Virgo for stopping her life if I would ask her to, just to be able to help me. Thank you to Jules for offering to organize a "Race for the Treatment" for me even though she has never met me. Thank you to so many people, so many places, for so many things. Thank you to EVERYONE for EVERYTHING you do. I may be sad, full of tears and fear, but I am never without the bright light of hope that your support has given me. You keep my light going when I cannot. That is not something eveyone can do.
You are a blessing to me...everyday
XO
Friday, September 01, 2006
Releasing the Songbird
I’ve noticed the first of many things that this cancer has robbed me of…
I noticed it today when I turned on the CD player in my car, and realize that it had sat dormant for a week (which feels like an eternity). My favorite song “Send Me a Song” was on and I just sat listening almost as if for the first time to the voice from the radio whisper into my heart.
This was the first time since Monday that I have listened to music. Being a creature of music, a lover of the soul’s song, and a partner in the choir of expression, I am accustomed to music being part of my day. I realized this morning on the way to work that this “cancer” tried to rob me of my music, my voice. The once loud choir hosting concerts every single morning now, thanks to this diagnosis, sat quiet with no music in front of them to sing.
So this morning, I listened.
And quietly as this woman sang of reaching new shores, and one day she would follow, my heart began to hear the music resonating inside it instead of just “in my car”. Soon, a strange sensation, daresay almost foreign sensation, began to evidence itself in my throat…. Before I knew it, with the strength of a dam breaching its walls, my voice burst forth escaping from the prison of this cancer, proclaiming that it was free… And the first notes sung by me in a week came out so strong in defiance at what life was doing to me that I felt it deeply in my chest. The notes were beautiful, the music was perfect, and when the song continued with determination, soon the tears came too. But I kept going. And while my voice cracked and the tears flowed freely I kept going until I knew with certainty that my songbird, my spirit’s voice had been set free.
You learn in times of stress to appreciate the small moments like these. I appreciated this morning’s journey as a brief respite from cancer. A brief moment when even I, who’s life has been tremendously altered (just as so many others before me), was once again, human.
More to come later…
I noticed it today when I turned on the CD player in my car, and realize that it had sat dormant for a week (which feels like an eternity). My favorite song “Send Me a Song” was on and I just sat listening almost as if for the first time to the voice from the radio whisper into my heart.
This was the first time since Monday that I have listened to music. Being a creature of music, a lover of the soul’s song, and a partner in the choir of expression, I am accustomed to music being part of my day. I realized this morning on the way to work that this “cancer” tried to rob me of my music, my voice. The once loud choir hosting concerts every single morning now, thanks to this diagnosis, sat quiet with no music in front of them to sing.
So this morning, I listened.
And quietly as this woman sang of reaching new shores, and one day she would follow, my heart began to hear the music resonating inside it instead of just “in my car”. Soon, a strange sensation, daresay almost foreign sensation, began to evidence itself in my throat…. Before I knew it, with the strength of a dam breaching its walls, my voice burst forth escaping from the prison of this cancer, proclaiming that it was free… And the first notes sung by me in a week came out so strong in defiance at what life was doing to me that I felt it deeply in my chest. The notes were beautiful, the music was perfect, and when the song continued with determination, soon the tears came too. But I kept going. And while my voice cracked and the tears flowed freely I kept going until I knew with certainty that my songbird, my spirit’s voice had been set free.
You learn in times of stress to appreciate the small moments like these. I appreciated this morning’s journey as a brief respite from cancer. A brief moment when even I, who’s life has been tremendously altered (just as so many others before me), was once again, human.
More to come later…
Thursday, August 31, 2006
And the news just keeps getting worse
Today was the first oncologist visit. It wasn't anthing spectaculuar but it was informational which, I suppose is a good thing.
The bad news is this:
They want to take EVERYTHING out. This includes removal of the Uterus, Cervix, Ovaries, tubes, and some lymph nodes. According to the doctor this is the only way to be sure that we got it.
I'm not sure what his definition of sure is...
Removing all of the organs *may* mean I'll be ok. If when they remove them all they test them and there is no cancer, then hurrah I have no cancer, and need no chemo or radiation, but just check ups every 6 months.
HOWEVER, he's not sure at my weight if he can get all the lymph nodes and if even one of them is cancerous (which we wont know because pathology can't be worked on it) then I'm kind of screwed. If any that he gets are cancerous then even if they remove everything I will STILL need radiation and/or chemo.
Now it gets better. IF they remove everything I will have to go on hormone therapy for probably 10-15 years (i'm 34, younger than most who have this cancer). Which puts me at an increased risk for breast cancer.
GREAT! I must have missed the sign in sheet that said "No really take everything, and while you're at it, take my hair too, I didn't want to feel like a human or a woman anymore!"
Now for the good news:
If they take everything and what they do take isn't testing cancerous then I'm in the clear.
Yea... that's the ONLY good news.
~*~
It's hard to not be depressed over this. I know I should focus on the good news piece of this to stave off this depression, but it's hard folks... It is harder than you can imagine.
I could write a book on the wide range of emotions that come rolling through me at any given time but for now, i'll just tell you, I am very sad. This represents a loss to me that I could never have imagined, and would never have imagined without this happening.
I am grateful for the post on the utopia skye forums, informing everyone and setting up a fund of sorts for people to contribute. I am even more grateful for those who have posted, and those who have contributed.
On the financial end we're not sure if any of the hospitals we have been recommended to take medicaid, and the surgery last we were told would be about $20,ooo. I will also be out of work for 4 weeks. And of course if ongoing treatment is necessary...well... I just dont want to think about that yet.
Tonight is a rough night for me. I wish I had more light to give you all, because I could do with giving some out. For now I have a bottle of White Zinfandel calling me, and a bed that will try to give me the numbness of sleep soon. Perhaps...
Good night until tomorrow all, thanks for reading
xo
The bad news is this:
They want to take EVERYTHING out. This includes removal of the Uterus, Cervix, Ovaries, tubes, and some lymph nodes. According to the doctor this is the only way to be sure that we got it.
I'm not sure what his definition of sure is...
Removing all of the organs *may* mean I'll be ok. If when they remove them all they test them and there is no cancer, then hurrah I have no cancer, and need no chemo or radiation, but just check ups every 6 months.
HOWEVER, he's not sure at my weight if he can get all the lymph nodes and if even one of them is cancerous (which we wont know because pathology can't be worked on it) then I'm kind of screwed. If any that he gets are cancerous then even if they remove everything I will STILL need radiation and/or chemo.
Now it gets better. IF they remove everything I will have to go on hormone therapy for probably 10-15 years (i'm 34, younger than most who have this cancer). Which puts me at an increased risk for breast cancer.
GREAT! I must have missed the sign in sheet that said "No really take everything, and while you're at it, take my hair too, I didn't want to feel like a human or a woman anymore!"
Now for the good news:
If they take everything and what they do take isn't testing cancerous then I'm in the clear.
Yea... that's the ONLY good news.
~*~
It's hard to not be depressed over this. I know I should focus on the good news piece of this to stave off this depression, but it's hard folks... It is harder than you can imagine.
I could write a book on the wide range of emotions that come rolling through me at any given time but for now, i'll just tell you, I am very sad. This represents a loss to me that I could never have imagined, and would never have imagined without this happening.
I am grateful for the post on the utopia skye forums, informing everyone and setting up a fund of sorts for people to contribute. I am even more grateful for those who have posted, and those who have contributed.
On the financial end we're not sure if any of the hospitals we have been recommended to take medicaid, and the surgery last we were told would be about $20,ooo. I will also be out of work for 4 weeks. And of course if ongoing treatment is necessary...well... I just dont want to think about that yet.
Tonight is a rough night for me. I wish I had more light to give you all, because I could do with giving some out. For now I have a bottle of White Zinfandel calling me, and a bed that will try to give me the numbness of sleep soon. Perhaps...
Good night until tomorrow all, thanks for reading
xo
Day 4; Thoughts & Expressions...
Alice came to a fork in the road."Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."~Lewis Carroll
Today's Affirmation
Love is the direction I am heading in.
Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. ~Rabindranath Tagore
March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path. ~Kahlil Gibran
Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from. ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
~*~*~*~*~*~
The mornings are the worst. That’s the time when I wake up, look around my apartment, and know that I am broken. Like Cancer, Baby says in her post “That your body doesn’t work like everyone else’s”. (“But then I saw the donkey” –Cancer, Baby ) Then the day gets busy and life takes a hold of you. You take a shower, you drive to work numbly, and you watch the scenery go by without ever having seen a single tree… The whole time the thought in my head the only coherent one really, is: Cancer.
Then I get a phone call from a wonderful friend in Australia who lets me talk about anything I want. He lets me talk of death as if it were the real possibility that it *could* be. He lets me switch from topic to topic downshifting, turning, careening out of conversational control and he navigates that, weathering the haphazard movement like a pro. And when I’m on the phone with him, the word Cancer, the neon blinking sign I have noticed is now stamped on my forehead suddenly stops blinking; And maybe over the course of our conversation, one or two of the bulbs burn out. It’s been four days and I envision through his talking with me that perhaps the “cer” of the word is almost burnt out forming the word that everyone wants me to see “Can”. I CAN survive this, I CAN go on, I CAN think positive. It’s a slow process. But maybe it can happen. Thank you Aussie_male for making my mornings more of a trip of reality then the jarring trip of “Cancer recognition”. I know it costs you money to do this, calling me everyday, but I am grateful for your conversation and friendship.
The hardest part about this for me today, right now, this moment, is that I’ve had to fight since I’ve been diagnosed to get anyone to help treat me. The oncologist I was referred to had the nurse from hell who told me in no uncertain terms (as she put me on speakerphone in her busy office, demeaning my call by removing my privacy) that I was just a piece of shit because I didn’t have insurance. DESPITE my telling them I would pay it all upfront.
It’s been a four day battle through hell to help people who are SUPPOSED to want to help heal me to do their jobs. In the end, through persistence and help at the regular gynecologist’s office who diagnosed me, I finally got another referral. I called them at 3:30pm yesterday afternoon and after being put on hold for a few minutes was told they would REARANGE their schedule to see me today at 2:15. I’d have been happy to wait a few days, but I’m grateful for the feel of importance that this should convey. So today is my first oncologist visit where they will get my history, possibly examine me (I don’t’ know really) and try to determine what surgery may be needed. I will be consulting with another doctor simply for the second opinion as well but this will be fast.
Everyday my abdomen hurts. Sometimes it feels as if my ovaries are the drumsticks being used in a heavy metal band, pulsing out the tunes that only people would dance to in a mosh pit. Other times they talk to me in pulsing whispers as if someone were gently squeezing them making me aware of their existence. Today my insides are constantly crying out for attention, even getting my back involved in the process.
Long before I knew I would join the ranks of the folks who have cancer, and lose my naivety… Someone turned me onto a blog written by a woman known only as Cancer, Baby. I read her blog from start to finish. She is an excellent writer performing her stories of reality with the ease of a natural speaker in her words. I’ve read her blog many times even though she died in May of this year, succumbing to her cancer after a valiant fight.
Now that I have cancer, I can see so many of the things she spoke of happening around me. The death look people get in their eyes when they hear you have cancer; the indifference by some people who don’t know how to deal with it. And surprisingly the lack of caring by the medical folks who are supposed to care for you but are so burnt out from it all that sometimes they just can’t. I will refer to her posts many times over.
With respect to my recent statements of my insides crying for attention I would refer you to a rather humorous if not darkly humorous piece written by Cancer, Baby about her organs. I now realize that when I read this the first time, not only was it funny, but reading it now, it is so very true.
“They won’t leave me alone” – Cancer, Baby
I’ll keep you posted on the doctor’s visit. Thanks for the emails and well wishes. I LOVE to get them so don’t ever hesitate to send them. Take every opportunity folks to tell people you love them…
You are a blessing to me today and everyday. I love you all
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today I wish that you have a bright day no matter the weather. I hope that you can look in your heart whenever you need it and see me there, because that’s where I reside; in the realms of your heart. So, no matter how far away we are, I will be with you always. You just have to look.
XO
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. ~Carl jung
Today's Affirmation
Love is the direction I am heading in.
Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. ~Rabindranath Tagore
March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path. ~Kahlil Gibran
Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from. ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
~*~*~*~*~*~
The mornings are the worst. That’s the time when I wake up, look around my apartment, and know that I am broken. Like Cancer, Baby says in her post “That your body doesn’t work like everyone else’s”. (“But then I saw the donkey” –Cancer, Baby ) Then the day gets busy and life takes a hold of you. You take a shower, you drive to work numbly, and you watch the scenery go by without ever having seen a single tree… The whole time the thought in my head the only coherent one really, is: Cancer.
Then I get a phone call from a wonderful friend in Australia who lets me talk about anything I want. He lets me talk of death as if it were the real possibility that it *could* be. He lets me switch from topic to topic downshifting, turning, careening out of conversational control and he navigates that, weathering the haphazard movement like a pro. And when I’m on the phone with him, the word Cancer, the neon blinking sign I have noticed is now stamped on my forehead suddenly stops blinking; And maybe over the course of our conversation, one or two of the bulbs burn out. It’s been four days and I envision through his talking with me that perhaps the “cer” of the word is almost burnt out forming the word that everyone wants me to see “Can”. I CAN survive this, I CAN go on, I CAN think positive. It’s a slow process. But maybe it can happen. Thank you Aussie_male for making my mornings more of a trip of reality then the jarring trip of “Cancer recognition”. I know it costs you money to do this, calling me everyday, but I am grateful for your conversation and friendship.
The hardest part about this for me today, right now, this moment, is that I’ve had to fight since I’ve been diagnosed to get anyone to help treat me. The oncologist I was referred to had the nurse from hell who told me in no uncertain terms (as she put me on speakerphone in her busy office, demeaning my call by removing my privacy) that I was just a piece of shit because I didn’t have insurance. DESPITE my telling them I would pay it all upfront.
It’s been a four day battle through hell to help people who are SUPPOSED to want to help heal me to do their jobs. In the end, through persistence and help at the regular gynecologist’s office who diagnosed me, I finally got another referral. I called them at 3:30pm yesterday afternoon and after being put on hold for a few minutes was told they would REARANGE their schedule to see me today at 2:15. I’d have been happy to wait a few days, but I’m grateful for the feel of importance that this should convey. So today is my first oncologist visit where they will get my history, possibly examine me (I don’t’ know really) and try to determine what surgery may be needed. I will be consulting with another doctor simply for the second opinion as well but this will be fast.
Everyday my abdomen hurts. Sometimes it feels as if my ovaries are the drumsticks being used in a heavy metal band, pulsing out the tunes that only people would dance to in a mosh pit. Other times they talk to me in pulsing whispers as if someone were gently squeezing them making me aware of their existence. Today my insides are constantly crying out for attention, even getting my back involved in the process.
Long before I knew I would join the ranks of the folks who have cancer, and lose my naivety… Someone turned me onto a blog written by a woman known only as Cancer, Baby. I read her blog from start to finish. She is an excellent writer performing her stories of reality with the ease of a natural speaker in her words. I’ve read her blog many times even though she died in May of this year, succumbing to her cancer after a valiant fight.
Now that I have cancer, I can see so many of the things she spoke of happening around me. The death look people get in their eyes when they hear you have cancer; the indifference by some people who don’t know how to deal with it. And surprisingly the lack of caring by the medical folks who are supposed to care for you but are so burnt out from it all that sometimes they just can’t. I will refer to her posts many times over.
With respect to my recent statements of my insides crying for attention I would refer you to a rather humorous if not darkly humorous piece written by Cancer, Baby about her organs. I now realize that when I read this the first time, not only was it funny, but reading it now, it is so very true.
“They won’t leave me alone” – Cancer, Baby
I’ll keep you posted on the doctor’s visit. Thanks for the emails and well wishes. I LOVE to get them so don’t ever hesitate to send them. Take every opportunity folks to tell people you love them…
You are a blessing to me today and everyday. I love you all
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today I wish that you have a bright day no matter the weather. I hope that you can look in your heart whenever you need it and see me there, because that’s where I reside; in the realms of your heart. So, no matter how far away we are, I will be with you always. You just have to look.
XO
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. ~Carl jung
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
The 5 Steps of Greiving... Step 2; ANGER
I am angry today.
I am angry with the hospital system, with red tape, with people who don’t understand that despite statistics and things this is still scary! I suppose I'm angry too that I even have this cancer.
As people deal with things their own way, I’ve heard all manner of things designed to be comforting recently…
“I told everybody for you, as I know you’re emotional and would have preferred I do that”
“Well at least you have an identifiable cancer”
That last one topped the list today. Well I suppose if there is anything I have to be grateful for in this, it’s that I have an identifiable cancer. And I’m sure the person being referred to is going through hell and has my sympathies even more so now that *I* have cancer, but knowing that does NOT MAKE THIS ANY LESS SCARY.
Cancer in and of itself is scary as hell. My life is going to be forever permanently altered. I will always be looking over my shoulder (if they get it all) wondering if I will ever have a recurrence. I will always stop on occasion and see children and even in its smallest measure hear a voice in my head “Well you won’t be doing that”. And the biggest piece of this folks is that while the numbers are high for success in surgery etc, the % is only as high as SEVENTY. That means 70% of these things are successful according to statistics. That’s better than half but not nearly close to 100% as I would like.
Please for the love of my sanity instead of trying to force me to think positive, embrace that there are fears here that I have and accept them along with giving me positivity. I’m scared out of mind and the ineptitude of the people at the hospital I am supposed to go to isn't helping either!
The latest on that is I’m waiting for the nurse to call me back to schedule an appointment. It took me nearly three days to get a hold of someone (and trust me it was only at MY insistence that anyone even listened) just to tell them that their precious bill would be paid. That’s just for the consult!
Then the glorious doctor can choose whether or not she will perform the surgery on me. She can CHOOSE?! I’m sorry there are people out there that abuse the system, and I know she doesn’t know me but I am not the same as another person and to assume I am is poor judgment on her part.
I thought Doctors took an oath to heal? (and for those of you shaking your heads and saying I should understand that people need to get paid for their work, YES I agree, but to treat everyone as if they’ll screw you especially with a life threatening disease is wrong.)
As far as the first thing “Comforting” statement above… Oh really? Did I since getting diagnosed with cancer lose my ability to have the FREEDOM to choose who knows? Yes I posted it in my blog, but people I would still like to have the freedom to choose who of the people I deal with in real life knows. Getting cancer isn’t a diagnosis of lost sanity you know.
Lastly, I’m angry that I have to censor how I feel. Until I have this major surgery, I have no clue how serious this cancer is in the terms of spreading. It may be very simple, remove it and its done, but it may not. So until I know that, I’m going to be thinking of death, of planning a will, of the fact that I will be ok, the benefits of having this done, and a whole host of other things. This is HEALTHY to go through. If you do not want to hear about my sadness over it, then tell me, I’ll talk of it elsewhere, but it must be expressed along with the hope that I will be ok.
And finally for those of you who think I shouldn’t have told anyone. Well, that too was my choice. I didn’t choose to get cancer, but I do choose to surround myself with as many who people that *may* have the ability and/or desire to help me, even if just in words, person, financially etc.
~*~
Now, lest you all think I’ve turned into a raving psycho, I do want to say thank you to the people who continually support me, offer me love and well wishes. I can use all of them and look forward to being able to look back on this and say “I survived”, and know that it was largely due to all of you.
I love you my friends.
(Sorry for no inspirations, blessings, or well wishes today. It was decided at work that busier would be better for me, and as such because I’ve been so busy I haven’t found any to post here and I don’t have time to dig them up. They will resume in the next posting which may or may not be later today.)
I am angry with the hospital system, with red tape, with people who don’t understand that despite statistics and things this is still scary! I suppose I'm angry too that I even have this cancer.
As people deal with things their own way, I’ve heard all manner of things designed to be comforting recently…
“I told everybody for you, as I know you’re emotional and would have preferred I do that”
“Well at least you have an identifiable cancer”
That last one topped the list today. Well I suppose if there is anything I have to be grateful for in this, it’s that I have an identifiable cancer. And I’m sure the person being referred to is going through hell and has my sympathies even more so now that *I* have cancer, but knowing that does NOT MAKE THIS ANY LESS SCARY.
Cancer in and of itself is scary as hell. My life is going to be forever permanently altered. I will always be looking over my shoulder (if they get it all) wondering if I will ever have a recurrence. I will always stop on occasion and see children and even in its smallest measure hear a voice in my head “Well you won’t be doing that”. And the biggest piece of this folks is that while the numbers are high for success in surgery etc, the % is only as high as SEVENTY. That means 70% of these things are successful according to statistics. That’s better than half but not nearly close to 100% as I would like.
Please for the love of my sanity instead of trying to force me to think positive, embrace that there are fears here that I have and accept them along with giving me positivity. I’m scared out of mind and the ineptitude of the people at the hospital I am supposed to go to isn't helping either!
The latest on that is I’m waiting for the nurse to call me back to schedule an appointment. It took me nearly three days to get a hold of someone (and trust me it was only at MY insistence that anyone even listened) just to tell them that their precious bill would be paid. That’s just for the consult!
Then the glorious doctor can choose whether or not she will perform the surgery on me. She can CHOOSE?! I’m sorry there are people out there that abuse the system, and I know she doesn’t know me but I am not the same as another person and to assume I am is poor judgment on her part.
I thought Doctors took an oath to heal? (and for those of you shaking your heads and saying I should understand that people need to get paid for their work, YES I agree, but to treat everyone as if they’ll screw you especially with a life threatening disease is wrong.)
As far as the first thing “Comforting” statement above… Oh really? Did I since getting diagnosed with cancer lose my ability to have the FREEDOM to choose who knows? Yes I posted it in my blog, but people I would still like to have the freedom to choose who of the people I deal with in real life knows. Getting cancer isn’t a diagnosis of lost sanity you know.
Lastly, I’m angry that I have to censor how I feel. Until I have this major surgery, I have no clue how serious this cancer is in the terms of spreading. It may be very simple, remove it and its done, but it may not. So until I know that, I’m going to be thinking of death, of planning a will, of the fact that I will be ok, the benefits of having this done, and a whole host of other things. This is HEALTHY to go through. If you do not want to hear about my sadness over it, then tell me, I’ll talk of it elsewhere, but it must be expressed along with the hope that I will be ok.
And finally for those of you who think I shouldn’t have told anyone. Well, that too was my choice. I didn’t choose to get cancer, but I do choose to surround myself with as many who people that *may* have the ability and/or desire to help me, even if just in words, person, financially etc.
~*~
Now, lest you all think I’ve turned into a raving psycho, I do want to say thank you to the people who continually support me, offer me love and well wishes. I can use all of them and look forward to being able to look back on this and say “I survived”, and know that it was largely due to all of you.
I love you my friends.
(Sorry for no inspirations, blessings, or well wishes today. It was decided at work that busier would be better for me, and as such because I’ve been so busy I haven’t found any to post here and I don’t have time to dig them up. They will resume in the next posting which may or may not be later today.)
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
My heart in your hands...My purpose & lots of other things **LONG post**
To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.~David Viscott
Prayer for Health & Healing
Dear God, I know that you created me in the perfect image and likeness of Yourself. I ask that you, Holy Spirit, and the archangel Raphael help me know and experience this health in my physical body. I am willing to release all thoughts and behaviours that create the illusion of illness and pain. I know that You are omnipresent, so therefore, You exist in every cell in my body. Please help me feel Your love in my physical body so that I can know that You cradle me in Your arms right now. Amen.
~*~*~*~*~*
Many thanks to Mrs. B in AZ for the above mentioned prayer. And of course thanks to DailyOm for the daily inspiration.
I have sat in front of this screen for the better part of an hour now and not known how to effectively pour my heart out onto this paper. My english language is too limited to type "light" as an emotion into a digital construct that you can all receive.
I have gone through in one day a whirlwind of emotions. Ultimately as each one passed I felt like the outsider going "uh huh, I knew that was coming" and then dismissing it with ease. There was turbulence in my heart, and in my mind... and still is. But in some ways the removal of oneself from the direct path of life is a good thing. Because then you can truly see where you are, what's important, and who your friends are.
So many people in one day have pulled together tremendously offering me such compassion and love. It was overwhelming to see... People who don't even know me are part of this group too. I just cannot fathom the outpouring of generosity in some cases (I have no insurance and still don't know what this will cost), compassion (many many hugs and love and words and private messages on the forums, voice mails on my phone, emails), and prayers (if I ever felt prayer moving through me like a current, it's now). I wish I had some way for you all to REALLY see in my heart right now and KNOW that it aches to tell you it's feelings and begs to show you just how much you've moved me.
Thank you so much for everything.
This will be a difficult journey but it will be a journey of change and right now, this moment, I believe still that change is good.
For an update (as I intend to do with this blog):
I went to the cardiologist yesterday to be cleared for surgery. My EKG came back normal and my heart is ok. And to the doctor who has never laid eyes on me, but told me that I was ok, and there was no charge, and hugged me and said he would pray for me... I thank you. In a day of absolute upheavel of emotion you really were a bright light among many that shone for me...
The next step is to get in with an oncologist to get examined to see what kind of surgery we're doing. I will be having a hysterectomy, but I dont know how much will need to be removed. (There will be plenty of blog posts that will cover the gamut of my emotions on the loss of the life giving parts of what make me a woman... for now, we will deal in the saving of life; particularly mine.)
The good news is that in 37,000 reported cases of this type of cancer yearly (staggering number isn't it?) only some 6,000 suffered any severe complications or death. Based on my cursory diagnosis I fit in the "Figo 1" category which as Mrs. Virgo and I found out means it's in its early stages and is most likely contained in the uterus. Hopefully it hasn't metastacized and gotten worse. Unfortunately we wont know that until they actually perform the surgery.
Where I sit right now is emotionally more stable than at this time yesterday, though certainly with only a tenuous grasp on reality (and a tendency to dance in the dark of depression too) and waiting for the Oncologists office to call back to set a time for the appointment.
There will be more posts on how I "feel" later, for now this one is long enough but is also...overdue. I am sorry for making you all wait for any word today, I just needed some mental health with Mrs. Virgo first.
And as to the title of "my purpose" the short version of it is... I think that should this be a routine thing for me and disappear entirely, there will be changes in my life. I think my purpose is becoming clearer and if I'm blessed with a full life to show it to you all then I will be happy. If not, then I will make the best of the time and still show it to all who would have it.
This is my promise to you (and to myself); that I will always try to live in love and know that it exists for me and pass that on to you and anyone else.
XO
~*~*~*~*~*
DAILY INSPIRATION
Blessed With A Purpose
Your Life's Work
Many people are committed to professions and personal endeavors they never consciously planned to pursue. They attribute the shape of their lives to circumstance, taking on roles they feel are tolerable. Each of us, however, has been blessed with a purpose. Your life's work is the assemblage of activities that allows you to express your intelligence and creativity, live in accordance with your values, and experience the profound joy of simply being yourself. Unlike traditional work, which may demand more of you than you are willing to give, life's work demands nothing but your intent and passion for that work. Yet no one is born with an understanding of the scope of their purpose. If you have drifted through life, you may feel directionless. Striving to discover your life's work can help you realize your true potential and live a more authentic, driven life.
To make this discovery, you must consider your interests in the present and the passions that moved you in the past. You may have felt attracted to a certain discipline or profession throughout your young life only to have steered away from your aspirations upon reaching adulthood. Or you may be harboring an interest as of yet unexplored. Consider what calls to you and then narrow it down. If you want to work with your hands, ask yourself what work will allow you to do so. You may be able to refine your life's work within the context of your current occupations. If you want to change the world, consider whether your skills and talents lend themselves to philanthropic work. Taking stock of your strengths, passions, beliefs, and values can help you refine your search for purpose if you don't know where to begin. Additionally, in your daily meditation, ask the universe to clarify your life's work by providing signs and be sure to pay attention.
Since life's journey is one of evolution, you may need to redefine your direction on multiple occasions throughout your lifetime. For instance, being an amazing parent can be your life's work strongly for 18 years, then perhaps you have different work to do. Your life's work may not be something you are recognized or financially compensated for, such as parenting, a beloved hobby, or a variety of other activities typically deemed inconsequential. Your love for a pursuit, however, gives it meaning. You'll know you have discovered your life's work when you wake eager to face each day and you feel good about not only what you do but also who you are.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
I can't possibly thank everyone individually who in the past day (yes it's only been a day... feels like forever) has stood by me, literally standing holding my hand. This includes the folks in game, online, offline, on the phone, in person (including the doctor who gave me an office visit for free as well as a hug and a prayer), those who think of me that don't even know me...
You have my deepest thanks, and sincerest gratitude. In return as always I wish you nothing but sun to warm your spirit, love to hold your heart, and friends to carry your heart in their hands safely as I see that I have...
You are all a blessing to me.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER:
"You have it easily in your power to increase the sum total of this world's happiness now. How? By giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged. Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime." ~Dale Carnegie
Monday, August 28, 2006
Update
I don't know how to write this.
I post this here because it's my place to be honest. I've been a litle not honest here by trying very hard to only post happy things as a lot of people (more than 3) come to read this. It's important to me that when people read about me or share in my life that they do not share in the depression that weighs me down quite a bit. So I post inspirations. It's therapeutic for me too in that it helps me keep positive when sometimes I get a bit down. I don't know how else to write this except to write it bluntly with as much emotion as I feel and right now, that emotion is sadness.
My biopsy results came back... I have cancer.
For those of you I've kept fairly in the dark about this, just know the official diagnosis is Endometrial Cancer. I know it's the most common type of cancer and I know that treatment if caught early and prognosis if caught early is good... but I'm scared.
I'm scared because for many years at the end of my marriage when I started to notice some abnormality with my female body I ignored it as stress, weight gain, sad heart over my failed marriage. So my fear is that it has progressed more than is treateable or will mean intense treatments.
I haven't seen the oncologist yet, i *JUST* found out about two hours ago...but I know my life is changed.
More perhaps later... but for now, whatever god, goddess, universal deity or energy you worship, please offer up a prayer for me.
Thanks
I post this here because it's my place to be honest. I've been a litle not honest here by trying very hard to only post happy things as a lot of people (more than 3) come to read this. It's important to me that when people read about me or share in my life that they do not share in the depression that weighs me down quite a bit. So I post inspirations. It's therapeutic for me too in that it helps me keep positive when sometimes I get a bit down. I don't know how else to write this except to write it bluntly with as much emotion as I feel and right now, that emotion is sadness.
My biopsy results came back... I have cancer.
For those of you I've kept fairly in the dark about this, just know the official diagnosis is Endometrial Cancer. I know it's the most common type of cancer and I know that treatment if caught early and prognosis if caught early is good... but I'm scared.
I'm scared because for many years at the end of my marriage when I started to notice some abnormality with my female body I ignored it as stress, weight gain, sad heart over my failed marriage. So my fear is that it has progressed more than is treateable or will mean intense treatments.
I haven't seen the oncologist yet, i *JUST* found out about two hours ago...but I know my life is changed.
More perhaps later... but for now, whatever god, goddess, universal deity or energy you worship, please offer up a prayer for me.
Thanks
Short, Inspirational - Monday musings...
"Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Most people focus on doing things as the way to make a difference. What they don't realize is that the most powerful way to make a difference doesn't require you to actually do anything at all! You start by changing YOUR world; you end up changing THE world. ~Aman Motwane
“Life begins in a welter of conditions; mere reactions to these conditions forge limitations; awareness of and conscious response to conditions produces freedom. This clarity regarding my choices enables me to return from sitting to action as a more focused, concentrated vector of knowing, empathetic life.” ~Paul R. Fleischman, M.D. ; Quote is taken from page 21 of: Karma and Chaos
Today's Affirmation
A positive attitude today will enhance the value of every experience.
~*~*~*~*~*~
This past weekend was short, but it was nice. I had a great breakfast with a friend, a lot of conversations with people; both near and far, and wine and chocolates (in moderation ;) on Sunday. Not too much of anything spectacular happening… no earth shattering event that leaves me stunned…
But I *hope* to have the test results back today.
So other than a prayerful morning, brightened even more by the happiness of a half day at work (even though I’m going to a doctors appointment it means I wont be at work so that makes me happy) I have nothing truly important to report.
Oh! I do want to apologize to Barbara! I should have told you that I do not post in any of my four blogs (yes, 4! :P) on the weekends. I only post during the week. I am so sorry for any worry I’ve caused you.
Have a wonderful day friends and send me some prayers if you do that sort of thing. If not, then good intentions will be just as perfect.
Have a BEAUTIFUL day!
~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION
Working Through
Hard Days
We all have days that seem endlessly difficult and hard. On these days, it is as if the odds are stacked against us and we just can't get a break as one challenging situation follows another. We may feel like we're standing in the ocean getting hit by wave after wave, never able to get a full breath. Sometimes it's necessary or worth it to stay in the fray and work our way through. Other times, the best idea is to go home and take the breath we need in order to carry on.
If the only choice is to get through it, a hard day can be a great teacher. It will eventually end and we can look back on it, taking pride in the stamina, courage, and ingenuity it took to hold our ground. We may also look back and see how we could have done things differently. This knowledge will be valuable when we face hard days in the future. Trust your gut as you're deciding whether to work through it, and know that sometimes a timely retreat is the best way to ensure a positive outcome. Getting space can remind us that external circumstances are not the whole picture. Once we catch our breath and re-center ourselves, we will be able to determine our next move. With a little perspective, we may even find the inner resources to change our attitude about what's happening. We may begin to see that what we saw as hardships are actually opportunities. As our attitude changes for the better, our actions and the circumstances will follow suit.
Sometimes all that's needed is a good night's sleep. No one is immune to having a hard day and these are usually the times we can learn the most. If we can find it in our hearts to examine the day, and maybe make one small change in perception, we can ease our pain and greet the next day that much wiser.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
"Living the truth in your heart without compromise brings kindness into the world. Attempts at kindness that compromise your heart cause only sadness." ~Anonymous 18th century monk
“Most people focus on doing things as the way to make a difference. What they don't realize is that the most powerful way to make a difference doesn't require you to actually do anything at all! You start by changing YOUR world; you end up changing THE world. ~Aman Motwane
“Life begins in a welter of conditions; mere reactions to these conditions forge limitations; awareness of and conscious response to conditions produces freedom. This clarity regarding my choices enables me to return from sitting to action as a more focused, concentrated vector of knowing, empathetic life.” ~Paul R. Fleischman, M.D. ; Quote is taken from page 21 of: Karma and Chaos
Today's Affirmation
A positive attitude today will enhance the value of every experience.
~*~*~*~*~*~
This past weekend was short, but it was nice. I had a great breakfast with a friend, a lot of conversations with people; both near and far, and wine and chocolates (in moderation ;) on Sunday. Not too much of anything spectacular happening… no earth shattering event that leaves me stunned…
But I *hope* to have the test results back today.
So other than a prayerful morning, brightened even more by the happiness of a half day at work (even though I’m going to a doctors appointment it means I wont be at work so that makes me happy) I have nothing truly important to report.
Oh! I do want to apologize to Barbara! I should have told you that I do not post in any of my four blogs (yes, 4! :P) on the weekends. I only post during the week. I am so sorry for any worry I’ve caused you.
Have a wonderful day friends and send me some prayers if you do that sort of thing. If not, then good intentions will be just as perfect.
Have a BEAUTIFUL day!
~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION
Working Through
Hard Days
We all have days that seem endlessly difficult and hard. On these days, it is as if the odds are stacked against us and we just can't get a break as one challenging situation follows another. We may feel like we're standing in the ocean getting hit by wave after wave, never able to get a full breath. Sometimes it's necessary or worth it to stay in the fray and work our way through. Other times, the best idea is to go home and take the breath we need in order to carry on.
If the only choice is to get through it, a hard day can be a great teacher. It will eventually end and we can look back on it, taking pride in the stamina, courage, and ingenuity it took to hold our ground. We may also look back and see how we could have done things differently. This knowledge will be valuable when we face hard days in the future. Trust your gut as you're deciding whether to work through it, and know that sometimes a timely retreat is the best way to ensure a positive outcome. Getting space can remind us that external circumstances are not the whole picture. Once we catch our breath and re-center ourselves, we will be able to determine our next move. With a little perspective, we may even find the inner resources to change our attitude about what's happening. We may begin to see that what we saw as hardships are actually opportunities. As our attitude changes for the better, our actions and the circumstances will follow suit.
Sometimes all that's needed is a good night's sleep. No one is immune to having a hard day and these are usually the times we can learn the most. If we can find it in our hearts to examine the day, and maybe make one small change in perception, we can ease our pain and greet the next day that much wiser.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
"Living the truth in your heart without compromise brings kindness into the world. Attempts at kindness that compromise your heart cause only sadness." ~Anonymous 18th century monk
Friday, August 25, 2006
Deeply Intimate Truths for the muse on love...
Just once I’d love to meet someone who fits what I need, who’s single. I’ve been fortunate (and mostly Unfortunate) to meet some folks who are perfect, but are tied down or otherwise not in the spot I need them to be at in life, in order to be with me.
I can pass on ALL the other things I want, including education, immediate goals, etc for just… this….one…..thing.
Do I sound like I am less of a woman because I want and need a partner? That’s a myth held high by those who tell you feminism means to deny who we are as women, that it means we should deny our desire or need (in some cases) for a partner. Just as some women are born (the same as men) to do certain things, I know *I* was born to give love. I was born to not just give love, but to also share it. I want to have such a beautiful relationship that I/we can accomplish many great things. I know this is possible…
I KNOW this, because I see people who have it. Granted, only a few, but they do exist and what’s more I’ve dreamt of it. I’ve dreamt of such a great and powerful love that even when faced with death I knew no fear because I knew I had love. My soul remembers that dream with perfect clarity…
But now as I get sick, and while I wait for news of possibly cancer (let’s hope it’s not), I am sad, and sometimes bitter when I talk to people who are perfect for me, but can’t or won’t ever be with me.
Don’t say ever? Why?
The future looks bleak when you’re sad, that’s why it’s called depression. Your favorite muse suffers it quite a bit; A LOT more than I let on in this blog and unfortunately until I can get back to feeling healthy again, depression it seems has been my constant companion.
In an attempt to rid myself of some of this anguish today I am listing the things I want. Perhaps it sounds like a fairy tale or the “perfect” man/partner, but the things I’m listing here are things I’ve seen in people. REAL things followed and shown to exist to me by REAL people. It’s not a far cry to say I want this for myself.
Incidentally I removed the ability for people to post comments on this post. Why? Because I don’t want to hear that I should just be happy with what I have. I don’t want to hear “oh he’ll come along, just wait”. I don’t want to hear that I’m weak because I desire this. I am simply putting my heart (and truths) out there for those who wish to read it…If you have a comment you wish to make; I do welcome them in a place where I can read them when I’m more able to hear other people’s opinions So you can comment privately by emailing me at my email address.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I want someone who knows how hard what I’m going through is, and will never tell me it’s a bit much EVEN if I ask him to tell me. I want him to know it will hurt my feelings if he says so. This is called compassion and etiquette. It’s called “when things are at their worst, opt for truth but kindly”. Quiet talk times when strength is present are much better suited for cold hard facts in my book. The person I speak of knows the difference of needing to do this, and the sometimes largely present reason to absolutely be truthful even when it hurts. It’s not an easy thing to do but it CAN BE DONE.
I want someone who loves me as I am right now, overweight, depressed, beautiful, sad, happy, all my physical issues, etc; but supports me in getting healthy knowing that *I* want this, not that he demands it.
I want someone who wants to sit with me for a bit when I get home and might even be foreword thinking enough to either cook for me or order in.
I want someone with a job who makes more than me, and can support me if I lost my job or were unable to work for any extended period of time.
I want someone who will argue with me when I’m being a selfish witch, and tell me when I’m wrong as they hug me and tell me they love me.
I want someone who will never cheat on me, who will even online tell people what I’ve been told by these few people I think are perfect for me, “I do not share my heart”. In a world where so many people jump from bed to bed, or heart to heart I want to know (as I’ve been shown that this exists) that I can have implicit trust in my partner. It’s not unfeasible, just ask the few that I’ve been confronted with who do this DAILY. These people love their partners so much that they only play game when they’re online and with them, they may have very close friends of the opposite sex but are NEVER crossing the line of that, always include their significant other in what they’re doing online, and do not share stories etc of their partner with their friends online.
I want someone with different hobbies, someone whose interests I can learn about… someone who will learn about mine and support mine as I would support theirs.
I want someone who understands there is an art form to dating, and it doesn’t mean jump in the sack right away.
I want someone who has respect for sex and intimacy and at the same time can still in the privacy of our space share a joke with me that is deeply sexual but doesn’t offend.
~*~*~*~*~*~
In return I offer those exact same things back to this person. I offer ALL of those things 100%. I don’t’ expect perfection and wont turn my nose up at someone who doesn’t have EXACTLY these qualities, but having the above is a good place to start…
Please tell me you exist… please because right now, ESPECIALLY right now I’m feeling terribly alone in this department and as more time goes on, I’m beginning to be bitter… Mom hugs, and friend hugs just aren’t enough, please bring this partner into my life or make it known that they should be in my life in that capacity if they’re already known to me.
Please…
I can pass on ALL the other things I want, including education, immediate goals, etc for just… this….one…..thing.
Do I sound like I am less of a woman because I want and need a partner? That’s a myth held high by those who tell you feminism means to deny who we are as women, that it means we should deny our desire or need (in some cases) for a partner. Just as some women are born (the same as men) to do certain things, I know *I* was born to give love. I was born to not just give love, but to also share it. I want to have such a beautiful relationship that I/we can accomplish many great things. I know this is possible…
I KNOW this, because I see people who have it. Granted, only a few, but they do exist and what’s more I’ve dreamt of it. I’ve dreamt of such a great and powerful love that even when faced with death I knew no fear because I knew I had love. My soul remembers that dream with perfect clarity…
But now as I get sick, and while I wait for news of possibly cancer (let’s hope it’s not), I am sad, and sometimes bitter when I talk to people who are perfect for me, but can’t or won’t ever be with me.
Don’t say ever? Why?
The future looks bleak when you’re sad, that’s why it’s called depression. Your favorite muse suffers it quite a bit; A LOT more than I let on in this blog and unfortunately until I can get back to feeling healthy again, depression it seems has been my constant companion.
In an attempt to rid myself of some of this anguish today I am listing the things I want. Perhaps it sounds like a fairy tale or the “perfect” man/partner, but the things I’m listing here are things I’ve seen in people. REAL things followed and shown to exist to me by REAL people. It’s not a far cry to say I want this for myself.
Incidentally I removed the ability for people to post comments on this post. Why? Because I don’t want to hear that I should just be happy with what I have. I don’t want to hear “oh he’ll come along, just wait”. I don’t want to hear that I’m weak because I desire this. I am simply putting my heart (and truths) out there for those who wish to read it…If you have a comment you wish to make; I do welcome them in a place where I can read them when I’m more able to hear other people’s opinions So you can comment privately by emailing me at my email address.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I want someone who knows how hard what I’m going through is, and will never tell me it’s a bit much EVEN if I ask him to tell me. I want him to know it will hurt my feelings if he says so. This is called compassion and etiquette. It’s called “when things are at their worst, opt for truth but kindly”. Quiet talk times when strength is present are much better suited for cold hard facts in my book. The person I speak of knows the difference of needing to do this, and the sometimes largely present reason to absolutely be truthful even when it hurts. It’s not an easy thing to do but it CAN BE DONE.
I want someone who loves me as I am right now, overweight, depressed, beautiful, sad, happy, all my physical issues, etc; but supports me in getting healthy knowing that *I* want this, not that he demands it.
I want someone who wants to sit with me for a bit when I get home and might even be foreword thinking enough to either cook for me or order in.
I want someone with a job who makes more than me, and can support me if I lost my job or were unable to work for any extended period of time.
I want someone who will argue with me when I’m being a selfish witch, and tell me when I’m wrong as they hug me and tell me they love me.
I want someone who will never cheat on me, who will even online tell people what I’ve been told by these few people I think are perfect for me, “I do not share my heart”. In a world where so many people jump from bed to bed, or heart to heart I want to know (as I’ve been shown that this exists) that I can have implicit trust in my partner. It’s not unfeasible, just ask the few that I’ve been confronted with who do this DAILY. These people love their partners so much that they only play game when they’re online and with them, they may have very close friends of the opposite sex but are NEVER crossing the line of that, always include their significant other in what they’re doing online, and do not share stories etc of their partner with their friends online.
I want someone with different hobbies, someone whose interests I can learn about… someone who will learn about mine and support mine as I would support theirs.
I want someone who understands there is an art form to dating, and it doesn’t mean jump in the sack right away.
I want someone who has respect for sex and intimacy and at the same time can still in the privacy of our space share a joke with me that is deeply sexual but doesn’t offend.
~*~*~*~*~*~
In return I offer those exact same things back to this person. I offer ALL of those things 100%. I don’t’ expect perfection and wont turn my nose up at someone who doesn’t have EXACTLY these qualities, but having the above is a good place to start…
Please tell me you exist… please because right now, ESPECIALLY right now I’m feeling terribly alone in this department and as more time goes on, I’m beginning to be bitter… Mom hugs, and friend hugs just aren’t enough, please bring this partner into my life or make it known that they should be in my life in that capacity if they’re already known to me.
Please…
Sending Love Ahead
How perfect a way to start your day? When I woke this was the first thing I read. So now, I post it for you :)
Courtesy of: DailyOM
Days Of Affirmation
Sending Love Ahead To Your Day
Upon waking, many people consider the coming day with trepidation. Because of the natural human tendency to focus on what we fear or dislike, it is easy to unwittingly send a message of unease into the future that negatively impacts the quality of your day. However, while our lives are busy and frequently replete with challenges, they are also rich with joy and experiences worth savoring. We can attract this natural bliss into our lives by starting each day with a message of love. When you send love ahead to your day, that love will manifest itself in your interpersonal interactions, your professional endeavors, and your domestic duties. Tasks and circumstances once made trying by your own anxiety are transformed by your love, and you will find yourself approaching life's subtle nuances with great affection.
Each morning, when you have cast off the fog of sleep, take several deep, grounding breaths and reaffirm the love you have for yourself. Speaking a loving, self-directed blessing aloud enables you to access and awaken the reservoir of tenderness in your soul. Before you leave the comfortable warmth of your bed, be sure to tell the universe that you are eager and ready to receive the blessings it has set aside for you. Then as you prepare to meet the day, visualize yourself first saturated by and then surrounded with a warm and soft loving light. Gradually widen the circle of this light until you are able to send it ahead into your future. If you are commuting to work, send love to the roads upon which you will drive, your fellow commuters, and your parking space. If you have colleagues who arrive at your workplace before you, send them love. Likewise, a day spent being a parent or addressing household chores can benefit from the sentiment that precedes you. Sending love ahea! d to everyone you will meet and everything you will do can ensure that your day is suffused with grace.
If you have difficulty sending love to those situations and individuals you deem particularly frustrating, consider that the warmth and tenderness you project can change your life for the better. Each morning, in sending this love, you will exercise your power to control the ambiance of your existence and to color your day with positivity.
Courtesy of: DailyOM
Days Of Affirmation
Sending Love Ahead To Your Day
Upon waking, many people consider the coming day with trepidation. Because of the natural human tendency to focus on what we fear or dislike, it is easy to unwittingly send a message of unease into the future that negatively impacts the quality of your day. However, while our lives are busy and frequently replete with challenges, they are also rich with joy and experiences worth savoring. We can attract this natural bliss into our lives by starting each day with a message of love. When you send love ahead to your day, that love will manifest itself in your interpersonal interactions, your professional endeavors, and your domestic duties. Tasks and circumstances once made trying by your own anxiety are transformed by your love, and you will find yourself approaching life's subtle nuances with great affection.
Each morning, when you have cast off the fog of sleep, take several deep, grounding breaths and reaffirm the love you have for yourself. Speaking a loving, self-directed blessing aloud enables you to access and awaken the reservoir of tenderness in your soul. Before you leave the comfortable warmth of your bed, be sure to tell the universe that you are eager and ready to receive the blessings it has set aside for you. Then as you prepare to meet the day, visualize yourself first saturated by and then surrounded with a warm and soft loving light. Gradually widen the circle of this light until you are able to send it ahead into your future. If you are commuting to work, send love to the roads upon which you will drive, your fellow commuters, and your parking space. If you have colleagues who arrive at your workplace before you, send them love. Likewise, a day spent being a parent or addressing household chores can benefit from the sentiment that precedes you. Sending love ahea! d to everyone you will meet and everything you will do can ensure that your day is suffused with grace.
If you have difficulty sending love to those situations and individuals you deem particularly frustrating, consider that the warmth and tenderness you project can change your life for the better. Each morning, in sending this love, you will exercise your power to control the ambiance of your existence and to color your day with positivity.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Citrus Martinis and White Velvet Sands
She sat on the beach, the chair she rested in holding her close. Occasional breezes rustled through the fringe on the lower part of the umbrella above her head. She held a martini glass in her hand absentmindedly, and when she stared out over the sapphire waters, she could almost see the individual sapphire stones that gave the water such crystal perfect color.
She sat alone with her thoughts while she waited for her friend to return. The book left haphazardly open but face down offered truth to her about personal success but she didn’t care anymore. She just wanted to be in the balmy breeze with her drink, her friend and the sapphires.
Leaning back into the chair the embrace close enough that a lover might be jealous, she pondered recent events. While she had no hard truths, no cold facts of which she could rest her heavy heart, she wondered what was next. She was a planner, always was, but she couldn’t plan for this turn of events. And as she had done in the past, when she couldn’t plan…she went to her sanctuary which always led to her friend’s beach. Sipping the cool drink that tasted strangely like citrus water instead of liquor she peered around her swiveling her head from left to right slowly taking it all in.
This wasn’t her sanctuary; though it had been gifted to her. Strangely enough when things got at their worst she found she walked through her own sanctuary of lush green fields and forests, heading straight to the door that led to this place. The beach for miles was a white vast blanket of peaceful nothing. The air that languidly moved about was a smooth cooling touch to her warmed flesh. The water danced with the shore quietly making a gentle lapping noise and occasionally seagulls and various birds flew overhead their cries gentle & subtle instead of annoying.
Somewhere in the background she could hear people talking, though she knew with a dreamlike indifference that they were not in the present place. Only those she allowed in could ever see this place. But she knew what they spoke of in quiet whispers. She understood that direction hung in the balance as it waited for fact to present itself. The direction, possibilities and potential issues are what propelled her here to this sanctuary. She didn’t want to hear anymore…so she came to where it was quiet.
While she waited, she pondered, she mused, and devoid of the panic in that other life that had settled deeply in her bones, she thought quietly of what life had in store for her next.
In the dreamlike fragments of time, soon sleep came, whispering its words of comfort to her. The enveloping bliss was all too easy to slip into and for a few merciful hours, her glass unfinished on the table, book left turned over, she slept in peace.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I love to write. I don’t always do it well but I love to do it. Writing like singing is my expression of my soul. I wish that I had the eloquence and literary genius as some do to speak in such tones that I lull you into the world I create with ease. Some folks have a magic about their words that drapes you in its perfection without you even knowing you had left reality. Still some writers carry you slowly into their world but once there you wonder how you ever lived without it.
I am none of them (at least I think). But I DO write with passion. Every…single…thing I’ve ever written was written with passion; even the above little story. Anything I write is taken from real life experiences and translated into something more palatable sometimes or more embellished in other cases.
The above is intended to reflect the discord in which I find myself today waiting for results that may be nothing (well a little something), but could be much more than that. So I think today while I wait, and Saturday when I go to the hospital for MORE testing, and next week when I finally get the results back, I’ll write as much as possible and let my spirit run free…
Thanks for reading today. I’m glad to write it out and have a place to express it, but I am also equally glad to share it with others.
~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION
You are thought of, cared for, and given well wishes today just like any other day. You are already special to me…
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER:
“The most important lesson that man can learn from his life is not that there is pain in this world, but that it depends upon him to turn it into good account, that it is possible for him to transmute it into joy.” ~Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)
She sat alone with her thoughts while she waited for her friend to return. The book left haphazardly open but face down offered truth to her about personal success but she didn’t care anymore. She just wanted to be in the balmy breeze with her drink, her friend and the sapphires.
Leaning back into the chair the embrace close enough that a lover might be jealous, she pondered recent events. While she had no hard truths, no cold facts of which she could rest her heavy heart, she wondered what was next. She was a planner, always was, but she couldn’t plan for this turn of events. And as she had done in the past, when she couldn’t plan…she went to her sanctuary which always led to her friend’s beach. Sipping the cool drink that tasted strangely like citrus water instead of liquor she peered around her swiveling her head from left to right slowly taking it all in.
This wasn’t her sanctuary; though it had been gifted to her. Strangely enough when things got at their worst she found she walked through her own sanctuary of lush green fields and forests, heading straight to the door that led to this place. The beach for miles was a white vast blanket of peaceful nothing. The air that languidly moved about was a smooth cooling touch to her warmed flesh. The water danced with the shore quietly making a gentle lapping noise and occasionally seagulls and various birds flew overhead their cries gentle & subtle instead of annoying.
Somewhere in the background she could hear people talking, though she knew with a dreamlike indifference that they were not in the present place. Only those she allowed in could ever see this place. But she knew what they spoke of in quiet whispers. She understood that direction hung in the balance as it waited for fact to present itself. The direction, possibilities and potential issues are what propelled her here to this sanctuary. She didn’t want to hear anymore…so she came to where it was quiet.
While she waited, she pondered, she mused, and devoid of the panic in that other life that had settled deeply in her bones, she thought quietly of what life had in store for her next.
In the dreamlike fragments of time, soon sleep came, whispering its words of comfort to her. The enveloping bliss was all too easy to slip into and for a few merciful hours, her glass unfinished on the table, book left turned over, she slept in peace.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I love to write. I don’t always do it well but I love to do it. Writing like singing is my expression of my soul. I wish that I had the eloquence and literary genius as some do to speak in such tones that I lull you into the world I create with ease. Some folks have a magic about their words that drapes you in its perfection without you even knowing you had left reality. Still some writers carry you slowly into their world but once there you wonder how you ever lived without it.
I am none of them (at least I think). But I DO write with passion. Every…single…thing I’ve ever written was written with passion; even the above little story. Anything I write is taken from real life experiences and translated into something more palatable sometimes or more embellished in other cases.
The above is intended to reflect the discord in which I find myself today waiting for results that may be nothing (well a little something), but could be much more than that. So I think today while I wait, and Saturday when I go to the hospital for MORE testing, and next week when I finally get the results back, I’ll write as much as possible and let my spirit run free…
Thanks for reading today. I’m glad to write it out and have a place to express it, but I am also equally glad to share it with others.
~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION
You are thought of, cared for, and given well wishes today just like any other day. You are already special to me…
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER:
“The most important lesson that man can learn from his life is not that there is pain in this world, but that it depends upon him to turn it into good account, that it is possible for him to transmute it into joy.” ~Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
To be human... Wednesdays Musings
"While we watch the storm clouds gather and prepare for the storm, let us never forget that the sun still shines behind those dark clouds, and may somehow break through before the storm descends. I see sunshine in the real desire for peace in the hearts of humanity, even though the human family gropes toward peace blindly, not knowing the way." ~Peace Pilgrim
Quote is taken from: Peace Pilgrim: Her Life and Work in Her Own Words
~*~*~*~*~*~
I’ve decided 98% on a college. The 2% is just deciding whether the studies I want to do should have a more spiritual approach to them, or a more scientific approach. I think that (and slightly money) is the last thing I have to decide.
If all goes well by December I’ll be back in school and in a number of years (not too long but long enough :P) I’ll either have a PhD in Metaphysics with several certifications in herbology as well as have the official title of Doctor of Divinity, or I’ll be a Doctor of philosophy in Natural Health with a certification in herbology but no doctor of divinity. Either way, it looks good. I’m excited.
I don’t have much to report today except that the ride into work today was lovely. The fog in some areas was so thick you couldn’t see directly ahead of you, so when you drove through it everything had this eerie smoky foggy glow. I really have to remember to keep my digital camera handy now that I’ve found it.
So for today here is the daily inspiration and a wish as always that you know peace and joy today. It’s Wednesday, middle of the week… If nothing else take comfort in that ;)
XO
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION
To Be Human
Putting People On Pedestals
When we fall in love with someone or make a new friend, we sometimes see that person in a glowing light. Their good qualities dominate the foreground of our perception and their negative qualities. They just don't seem to have any. This temporary state of grace is commonly known as putting someone on a pedestal. Often times we put spiritual leaders and our gurus on pedestals. We have all done this to someone at one time or another, and as long as we remember that no one is actually "perfect," the pedestal phase of a relationship can be enjoyed for what it is-a phase. It's when we actually believe our own projection that troubles arise.
Everyone has problems, flaws, and blind spots, just as we do. When we entertain the illusion that someone is perfect, we don't allow them room to be human, so when they make an error in judgment or act in contradiction to our idea of perfection, we become disillusioned. We may get angry or distance ourselves in response. In the end, they are not to blame for the fact that we idealized them. Granted, they may have enjoyed seeing themselves as perfect through our eyes, but we are the ones who chose to believe an illusion. If you go through this process enough times, you learn that no one is perfect. We are all a combination of divine and human qualities and we all struggle. When we treat the people we love with this awareness, we actually allow for a much greater intimacy than when we held them aloft on an airy throne. The moment you see through your idealized projection is the moment you begin to see your loved one as he or she truly is.
We cannot truly connect with a person when we idealize them. In life, there are no pedestals-we are all walking on the same ground together. When we realize this, we can own our own divinity and our humanity. This is the key to balance and wholeness within us and our relationships.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER:
We are not victims of aging, sickness and death. These are part of scenery, not the seer, who is immune to any form of change. This seer is the spirit, the expression of eternal being.
~Deepak Chopra
Quote is taken from: Peace Pilgrim: Her Life and Work in Her Own Words
~*~*~*~*~*~
I’ve decided 98% on a college. The 2% is just deciding whether the studies I want to do should have a more spiritual approach to them, or a more scientific approach. I think that (and slightly money) is the last thing I have to decide.
If all goes well by December I’ll be back in school and in a number of years (not too long but long enough :P) I’ll either have a PhD in Metaphysics with several certifications in herbology as well as have the official title of Doctor of Divinity, or I’ll be a Doctor of philosophy in Natural Health with a certification in herbology but no doctor of divinity. Either way, it looks good. I’m excited.
I don’t have much to report today except that the ride into work today was lovely. The fog in some areas was so thick you couldn’t see directly ahead of you, so when you drove through it everything had this eerie smoky foggy glow. I really have to remember to keep my digital camera handy now that I’ve found it.
So for today here is the daily inspiration and a wish as always that you know peace and joy today. It’s Wednesday, middle of the week… If nothing else take comfort in that ;)
XO
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION
To Be Human
Putting People On Pedestals
When we fall in love with someone or make a new friend, we sometimes see that person in a glowing light. Their good qualities dominate the foreground of our perception and their negative qualities. They just don't seem to have any. This temporary state of grace is commonly known as putting someone on a pedestal. Often times we put spiritual leaders and our gurus on pedestals. We have all done this to someone at one time or another, and as long as we remember that no one is actually "perfect," the pedestal phase of a relationship can be enjoyed for what it is-a phase. It's when we actually believe our own projection that troubles arise.
Everyone has problems, flaws, and blind spots, just as we do. When we entertain the illusion that someone is perfect, we don't allow them room to be human, so when they make an error in judgment or act in contradiction to our idea of perfection, we become disillusioned. We may get angry or distance ourselves in response. In the end, they are not to blame for the fact that we idealized them. Granted, they may have enjoyed seeing themselves as perfect through our eyes, but we are the ones who chose to believe an illusion. If you go through this process enough times, you learn that no one is perfect. We are all a combination of divine and human qualities and we all struggle. When we treat the people we love with this awareness, we actually allow for a much greater intimacy than when we held them aloft on an airy throne. The moment you see through your idealized projection is the moment you begin to see your loved one as he or she truly is.
We cannot truly connect with a person when we idealize them. In life, there are no pedestals-we are all walking on the same ground together. When we realize this, we can own our own divinity and our humanity. This is the key to balance and wholeness within us and our relationships.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER:
We are not victims of aging, sickness and death. These are part of scenery, not the seer, who is immune to any form of change. This seer is the spirit, the expression of eternal being.
~Deepak Chopra
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Love & Light Within
There was once a wise woman traveling in the mountains who found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and she opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked if she might give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But only a few days later he came back to return the stone to the woman who had given it to him.
"I've been thinking," He said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I'm giving it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. I want you to give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone." -Author Unknown
Sometimes in our continual drive to get ahead, we forget that the those things we gather around us, no matter how precious they might seem, pale in comparison to the love and light we hold within.
May you be Blessed today; Courtesy of Kate Nowak
"I've been thinking," He said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I'm giving it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. I want you to give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone." -Author Unknown
Sometimes in our continual drive to get ahead, we forget that the those things we gather around us, no matter how precious they might seem, pale in comparison to the love and light we hold within.
May you be Blessed today; Courtesy of Kate Nowak
Happiness in Dreams & Poetry
“Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I - I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
~Robert Frost
Painting is just another way of keeping a diary. ~Pablo Picasso
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. ~Henry J. Kaiser
~*~*~*~*~*~
I wrote a poem today for Poetry Thursday. I contribute monthly to this blog. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to share and read poetry from authors all over the world.
The piece I wrote was one written this morning and includes things I had thought of on my way into the office today. But even though I’m my own worst critic, I have to say even still, I could have probably done better. I love the message of the piece don’t get me wrong, but it’s just not saying what I wanted it to as eloquently as it could. Anyway, I would welcome critiques (it’s ok to tell me it rocks too! :P)
I am truly blessed today for so many people that inspire me in my life. Particularly two people I want to mention this morning. Mrs. Virgo and BB in New York (referred to her before as Shauns Barbara :P). Man these two really know how to light up your soul and put fire into your words.
I’ve been so mired down in health issues as of late I can see how it’s easy to lose sight of life and goals and what not. An update (if you’re interested) on the health end. I do not have diabetes, and kidney and liver functions are normal (yay!). The bad news is my white blood cell count is still high and some inflammatory tests came back abnormal. So I have some more testing to do. It kills me to think of the costs of this… I have no insurance. I wont get on that right now.
Anyway, even though I have all this going on about me, I’ve decided to focus on the positive again. As you saw yesterday I spoke of school, and as of today I’ve *almost* got it narrowed down. I’ve decided that if I go the traditional MSW (Masters Social Work) route, the only reason I’d be doing so is to have behind me the credibility that people who are not used to or do not like change, would need to accept me. That defeats the whole reason I’m IN school to begin with. I’m in to make a difference and to find fulfillment in myself, not to succumb to societal acceptance in any form.
So I’ve decided to pursue the alternative degrees, either 1. PhD in Metaphysics and Doctor of Divinity or 2. Doctor of Philosophy in Natural Health with an emphasis in herbology, aromatherapy, and animal companion wellness.
My goal is to eventually own a wellness center or be part of it’s creation. A place where body, mind, spirit can be healed and you can infuse your spirit with such things as retreats for women, massage, and wellness courses (like cooking, nutrition, stress management, etc). I know the idea isn’t new, but this one is mine and that makes it special to me.
My whole point is that today I send a special thank you to Mrs. Virgo and BB in New York for their openness, acceptance and support of this dream. Just being able to express it freely made my light shine and I needed that.
Today I hope that you find inspiration in anything. Inspiration is the food of the soul, and I hope you find it in ABUNDANCE. Be inspired! Live! And feel joy!
Happy day to everyone!
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION
Today’s inspirations are quotes from Care2.com, may they bring you joy and peace:
The heart is the hub of all sacred places. Go there and roam in it.--Sri Nityananda
Dalai Lama Quotes on PeaceCollected with gratitude by the Editors of Guidance for Body, Mind, and Spirit.
Has there ever been a time when the world was not in turmoil? There are no Good Old Days. All we have is the present moment, in which to change ourselves.
In the face of unbearable world tension, many of us turn to the wise words of the Dalai Lama for inspiration and guidance. Here are his thoughts about becoming peace:
All forms of violence, especially war, are totally unacceptable as means to settle disputes between and among nations, groups and persons.
Nonviolence does not mean that we remain indifferent to a problem. On the contrary, it is important to be fully engaged. However, we must behave in a way that does not benefit us alone. We must not harm the interests of others. Nonviolence therefore is not merely the absence of violence. It involves a sense of compassion and caring. It is almost a manifestation of compassion.
Anyone who practices the Dharma has a duty to do battle with the enemy--negative emotions.
It is worth reminding ourselves that what brings us the greatest joy and satisfaction in life are those actions we undertake out of concern for others. Indeed we can go further. For whereas the fundamental questions of human existence, such as why we are here, where we are going, and whether the universe had a beginning, have each elicited different responses in different philosophical traditions, it is self-evident that a generous heart and wholesome actions lead to greater peace.
Internal peace is an essential first step to achieving peace in the world. How do you cultivate it? It's very simple. In the first place by realizing clearly that all mankind is one, that human beings in every country are members of one and the same family.
The antidote to hatred in the heart, the source of violence, is tolerance. Tolerance is an important virtue of bodhisattvas--it enables you to refrain from reacting angrily to the harm inflicted on you by others. You could call this practice "inner disarmament," in that a well-developed tolerance makes you free from the compulsion to counterattack. For the same reason, we also call tolerance the "best armor," since it protects you from being conquered by hatred itself.
If we looked down at the world from space, we would not see any demarcations of national boundaries. We would simply see one small planet, just one.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
~Mahatma Gandhi
and I - I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
~Robert Frost
Painting is just another way of keeping a diary. ~Pablo Picasso
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. ~Henry J. Kaiser
~*~*~*~*~*~
I wrote a poem today for Poetry Thursday. I contribute monthly to this blog. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to share and read poetry from authors all over the world.
The piece I wrote was one written this morning and includes things I had thought of on my way into the office today. But even though I’m my own worst critic, I have to say even still, I could have probably done better. I love the message of the piece don’t get me wrong, but it’s just not saying what I wanted it to as eloquently as it could. Anyway, I would welcome critiques (it’s ok to tell me it rocks too! :P)
I am truly blessed today for so many people that inspire me in my life. Particularly two people I want to mention this morning. Mrs. Virgo and BB in New York (referred to her before as Shauns Barbara :P). Man these two really know how to light up your soul and put fire into your words.
I’ve been so mired down in health issues as of late I can see how it’s easy to lose sight of life and goals and what not. An update (if you’re interested) on the health end. I do not have diabetes, and kidney and liver functions are normal (yay!). The bad news is my white blood cell count is still high and some inflammatory tests came back abnormal. So I have some more testing to do. It kills me to think of the costs of this… I have no insurance. I wont get on that right now.
Anyway, even though I have all this going on about me, I’ve decided to focus on the positive again. As you saw yesterday I spoke of school, and as of today I’ve *almost* got it narrowed down. I’ve decided that if I go the traditional MSW (Masters Social Work) route, the only reason I’d be doing so is to have behind me the credibility that people who are not used to or do not like change, would need to accept me. That defeats the whole reason I’m IN school to begin with. I’m in to make a difference and to find fulfillment in myself, not to succumb to societal acceptance in any form.
So I’ve decided to pursue the alternative degrees, either 1. PhD in Metaphysics and Doctor of Divinity or 2. Doctor of Philosophy in Natural Health with an emphasis in herbology, aromatherapy, and animal companion wellness.
My goal is to eventually own a wellness center or be part of it’s creation. A place where body, mind, spirit can be healed and you can infuse your spirit with such things as retreats for women, massage, and wellness courses (like cooking, nutrition, stress management, etc). I know the idea isn’t new, but this one is mine and that makes it special to me.
My whole point is that today I send a special thank you to Mrs. Virgo and BB in New York for their openness, acceptance and support of this dream. Just being able to express it freely made my light shine and I needed that.
Today I hope that you find inspiration in anything. Inspiration is the food of the soul, and I hope you find it in ABUNDANCE. Be inspired! Live! And feel joy!
Happy day to everyone!
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION
Today’s inspirations are quotes from Care2.com, may they bring you joy and peace:
The heart is the hub of all sacred places. Go there and roam in it.--Sri Nityananda
Dalai Lama Quotes on PeaceCollected with gratitude by the Editors of Guidance for Body, Mind, and Spirit.
Has there ever been a time when the world was not in turmoil? There are no Good Old Days. All we have is the present moment, in which to change ourselves.
In the face of unbearable world tension, many of us turn to the wise words of the Dalai Lama for inspiration and guidance. Here are his thoughts about becoming peace:
All forms of violence, especially war, are totally unacceptable as means to settle disputes between and among nations, groups and persons.
Nonviolence does not mean that we remain indifferent to a problem. On the contrary, it is important to be fully engaged. However, we must behave in a way that does not benefit us alone. We must not harm the interests of others. Nonviolence therefore is not merely the absence of violence. It involves a sense of compassion and caring. It is almost a manifestation of compassion.
Anyone who practices the Dharma has a duty to do battle with the enemy--negative emotions.
It is worth reminding ourselves that what brings us the greatest joy and satisfaction in life are those actions we undertake out of concern for others. Indeed we can go further. For whereas the fundamental questions of human existence, such as why we are here, where we are going, and whether the universe had a beginning, have each elicited different responses in different philosophical traditions, it is self-evident that a generous heart and wholesome actions lead to greater peace.
Internal peace is an essential first step to achieving peace in the world. How do you cultivate it? It's very simple. In the first place by realizing clearly that all mankind is one, that human beings in every country are members of one and the same family.
The antidote to hatred in the heart, the source of violence, is tolerance. Tolerance is an important virtue of bodhisattvas--it enables you to refrain from reacting angrily to the harm inflicted on you by others. You could call this practice "inner disarmament," in that a well-developed tolerance makes you free from the compulsion to counterattack. For the same reason, we also call tolerance the "best armor," since it protects you from being conquered by hatred itself.
If we looked down at the world from space, we would not see any demarcations of national boundaries. We would simply see one small planet, just one.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
~Mahatma Gandhi
The Message of Time (For my Poetry Thursday submission on time)
Time so precious rings in my ears
Each tick deafening
Each tock silencing
Measured by my breaths
I hear each heartbeat
Steady, marching, consistent
I wonder with curiosity how long it has
When the thief of life comes stealthily in
Will I have enough time?
Each day we go about our lives
Unaware, perhaps ignorant
It can’t happen to me! Some say…
But the thief of life cares not who you are
It has no knowledge of your accomplishments
Are you listening?
Tick, tock goes the clock
Be grateful for each moment
View it as the gift you get everyday
Complete with the wrapping of angels
Handed down to you with love
The thief of life cannot compete with it
The light within
The one defense our souls have
Is love
Hold it tight…
Wield it with ferocity
And share with all who will listen.
©SKW
Each tick deafening
Each tock silencing
Measured by my breaths
I hear each heartbeat
Steady, marching, consistent
I wonder with curiosity how long it has
When the thief of life comes stealthily in
Will I have enough time?
Each day we go about our lives
Unaware, perhaps ignorant
It can’t happen to me! Some say…
But the thief of life cares not who you are
It has no knowledge of your accomplishments
Are you listening?
Tick, tock goes the clock
Be grateful for each moment
View it as the gift you get everyday
Complete with the wrapping of angels
Handed down to you with love
The thief of life cannot compete with it
The light within
The one defense our souls have
Is love
Hold it tight…
Wield it with ferocity
And share with all who will listen.
©SKW
Monday, August 21, 2006
Love always wins... A heartfelt blessing for you
Every morning, I am greeted with love from a stranger. I’m given inspiration from someone I don’t even know. She greets me by name and tells me every single day, that I am a blessing to her. I have quoted her before, but this post is *just* hers. Here’s the blessing she sent me today, that I now send to you. It’s free and all I expect from it is a smile back from you.
~Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
Here is today's heartfelt blessing:
"When I despair, I remember that all through history, the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and, for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it...always."~Mahatma Ghandi
Often, when we are in the midst of turmoil, and all around us is spinning out of control, it is difficult to believe the storms of life will ever pass. In such times as this, we can, it seems, do nothing but tie a knot in the end of our rope and hang on. And this is all we need to do. We need only to hang on to love, hang on to light and hang on to truth. For when the storm has passed – and they always do -- these three will remain, as strong and certain and invincible as they have been since time began. As Ghandi said, love always wins.
And until next time...Know that you are loved beyond measure and a cherished blessing to me.
May your day be filled with all things good,
Kate
Today's heartfelt blessing may be accessed on-line here
The May You Be Blessed movie is available for viewing here
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