Delusions...Solitude...**Special weekend post**

This weekend is my weekend to be human. I know, I know, I AM human, but ever since 8-28-06 at 11:40am I became a human living with a disease.

In the very short span of 5 (well 6 now) days, I've been through more emotion than I've allowed myself to feel in the past three years. I've learned quickly to eat humble pie and ask for prayers, help, and intentions. I've been inuslted, I've been told to act a certain way, and I've had to take more responsibility for my own care because the healthcare industry doesn't want to because I don't have insurance.

I've lived a couple of hellish months in just one short week.

This weekend thus far, I've largely been able to ignore my cancer. With the exception of the mild pains I get now in my abdomen (psychosomatic? who knows) and the occasional rolling fevers that make me sweat, I've somehow been able to laugh, been inspired again, and perhaps even felt love. But reality always comes back. The realization that I am now different than others sits at the back of my mind waiting for the inopportune time to remind me that it will never go away.

I've been living in solitude at home the past two days. Friday and Saturday I spent doing what I wanted living by *my* schedule. This schedule didn't include making sure I called Medicaid, learning about the tehcnical portions of Hysterectomies, or learning about and having awakenings with regards to cancer. This schedule included simply "being". I slept a lot, I spent an inordinate amount of time in game, I didn't answer my phone, Hell, I didn't even shower every single day. It was nice.

But reality still exists. And it's a reality I will have to go back to... but not today. Today, I am going to clean my apartment. I'm going to open my windows and breathe deep of fresh air. I'm going to nap on my couch while watching TV, and tonight I'm going to open that last bottle of wine I have, (the White Zinfandel) and I'm going to enjoy it.

So, forgive me my friends who have wished they could talk to me. Forgive me, those who are concerned for me because you haven't heard from me. Forgive me, my selfishness this weekend. I have no excuse other than, reclaiming some time that was stolen from me.

~*~

As for any update:

1. I heard back from the Nurse from hell on Friday. She was a complete 360 degrees different than before. I don't know what happened but in discussion with my mother we decided to push our anger aside and take the appointment with the first referred doctor from Loyola. Loyola and Northwestern Memorial are the two most renowned cancer hospitals in the Chicago area. The fact that the doctor's nurse was more unpleasant than I'm sure she needed to be, should not be a factor in my getting the best healthcare. It helped too that she had some suggestions for medicaid that *may *(cross your firngers folks) provide me a means to completely get my hospital time paid for. This means I only have to find a way to pay the existing doctors bills, and my october living bills as I'll be out of work for nearly a month. I still have to be approved by medicaid so nothing is certain, though perhaps there is more hope than there was.

2. I go Tuesday to the Medicaid office to try and get approved. Wish me luck

3. I go Thursday for my "second opinion" appointment with the Doctor from Loyola.

4. After that visit, I'll schedule my surgery sometime the week after so I can get back to my life.

I do not need to tell you just how scared I am of this procedure, of its implications, etc. I could die on the table just from the anethsetic, I could have more cancer than we know of, I could have more complications. These are things ABOVE and BEYOND the emotional ties to losing what I perceive to be the biggest sign of my femininity. This is above and beyond the fears of looming additionall threat of breast cancer, due to having to take hormone therapy pills for 10-15 years because I'll be in "forced menopause". I haven't even begun to touch the tip of the iceberg in emotional issues here...so bear with me as I continue on this roller coaster ride. It wont be easy.

~*~

As much as I may be sad for my plight, afraid for my future, or worried about money. I am still grateful everyday for the support I DO receive. Thank you to the few who contributed. Your contributions now or in the future will help me more than you know. Thank you to those who pray, who have gotten entire churches, covens, organizations involved in the prayer chain. Thank you to those who in game have stood silently by me while I expressed my deepest fears. Thank you to Mrs. Virgo for stopping her life if I would ask her to, just to be able to help me. Thank you to Jules for offering to organize a "Race for the Treatment" for me even though she has never met me. Thank you to so many people, so many places, for so many things. Thank you to EVERYONE for EVERYTHING you do. I may be sad, full of tears and fear, but I am never without the bright light of hope that your support has given me. You keep my light going when I cannot. That is not something eveyone can do.

You are a blessing to me...everyday

XO