A new dawn, A new day... And I'm feeling good

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
Nina Simone – Feeling Good
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“We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give.”~Sir Winston Churchill
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Today's Affirmation
I give of myself freely and gratefully!

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As I slowly, continually, learn about my life, my mind, my emotions (it almost feels all new since my cancer has departed). I have discovered with joy that I am truly coming into my own. It’s a slow process, full of starts and stops, but it is a process and I’m glad to be on the road of it. There will be more letters as I begin to address publicly the things I need to attend to. There’s a certain amount of responsibility in doing that I think…

Thank you all for the encouragement, you have no idea how much a small word or thought can move a mountain! Today’s first post is all about becoming. Read, enjoy, and have a WONDERFUL day. You are a blessing to me everyday.

Become More of Yourself Today
Life is on your side
Hold my hand
Together we'll find a way
Dearest daughter
You have a joy that lives inside
Become more of yourself today.

Trust that you are guided
Your spirit paves the way
Dearest daughter
Become more of yourself today
Count the stars above
You are the first chance of love
Become more of yourself today.

Life is on your side
Hold your own hand
Your intuition leads the way
Dearest daughter
Become more of yourself today
You have a voice that speaks inside
You need to listen always
Become more of yourself today.

Borrowed from: http://www.feminist.com/resources/artspeech/girls/jerrice.html

Random Musings

The Second important difference between Yesterday’s God and Tomorrow’s God:

Tomorrow’s God is without gender, size, shape, color, or any of
the characteristics of an individual living being.

©Neale Donald Walsch; Excerpted from “Tomorrow’s God: Our greatest spiritual challenge”

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I’ve been doing some reading lately. It started by picking up a tiny book called “The Bringers of Light”. It was a very small instructional manual of sorts on how to be a bringer of light. I’ll admit I didn’t read it all the way through. It was so small I skimmed it. But in it, I remember it mentioned the series of books from Neale Donald Walsch entitled: “Conversations with God”. I had seen the title so many times, I thought “That’s it, I’m going to see what all the fuss is about!”.

I bought the first book, and then the 5th book. I started to read the first one and it has such interesting ideas and concepts on God. It calls “God” both he and she. It calls for an open mind when reading it but I found that even as foreign as some concepts were. Some of them really resonated with me.

In the meantime I had started book one, but the 5th book caught my eye. So I picked that up and have literally not been able to put it down. Unlike my reading of other books where I half read/half skim, I really read this. I’m not done by any means, but my point is when I read it, I READ it. I processed it. I thought about it. And I still think about it.

One of the things in this book is the many differences between the God of yesterday and tomorrow’s God. Now, being of a pagan origin in my spirituality, the “genderless God” in the statement above really appealed to me. One of the many philosophies in the pagan religions that have always appealed to me regardless of the name of the pagan religion is the duality of the God/Goddess. I’ve always aligned with the feminine side of divinity.

But, I digress. The point of this post is that this book is DEFINITELY worth reading. Whether or not you decide it’s a meandering of one’s biased thoughts, or a valid vehicle for divine inspiration and a positive change for the world, it’s still worth the read.

Why did I post this today? I have absolutely no idea.

But if you DO read it, let me know your thoughts. I’d like to hear different people’s views on this book (without inciting a religious debate please).

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As for me, I’m on my third day back to work and the infamous Crony is here too. It’s been an interesting day, but thankfully free of the trials and tribulations that seem to be common here. I have three more hours left here today and then I get to burst forth from the doors into freedom! Hopefully I will find something to keep me busy…

You are a blessing to me everyday. Thank you for being part of my life, every one of you.

Muse

A little competition never hurt anyone eh?

So Google Man and I were talking today about one of our mutual goals. That goal is the loss of weight. We both agree that we will work together on this and support each other. Well today we formalized an attack plan. I must say it’s nice, a little competition never hurt eh?

So here’s the deal:

For every day that I walk, he must walk. On those days, the only requirement for either of us, is that you must walk at least .25/mile. If he does not walk on a day that I do, I can force him to watch something he would absolutely hate to watch on TV or cable and I get to gloat :D.

This goes on for one month starting today. Then on April 13th, we reverse it…

Then the pressure is on me (so I should be nice to him eh? Stack up some favors? ;) For every day that he walks I must walk and if I don’t… well I can only imagine the shows he’ll make me watch (think sports BLEH).

So I have this to say to Google Man, despite being a tad bit under the weather I have one piece of advice for him. You might want to pick up a good walking CD when you leave work today, because I walked today. You know what that means! :D

Cheers for me!

Stats:
Time walked: 15 minutes
Distance: .35/mile
Fat grams burned: 19
Fat Calories Burned: 59
Speed walked 1.5/mile per hour

To the unforgiving muse

If you do not sow in the spring you will not reap in the autumn. ~Irish Proverb

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Dear Unforgiving Muse,

I have looked upon your antics for a very long time with a kind eye. I’ve been sympathetic to your plight. Recently though, I became aware of a very powerful tool that can be used to begin the cleansing process. A simple sentence was uttered that changed everything. When you became aware of this you gave it a try, delving with the eagerness of a new student into the realms of possibility. What you discovered however, you were not prepared to handle.

I watched you then as a truth penetrated the stone fortress of pain you had built around you. It found a small crack and wormed its way into the core of your belief. Your reaction I watched, and in dismay noted that you became quiet, sullen, even withdrawn.

I can not sit by idly anymore. Where you cannot take control, I will. It is why I write this letter, because for too long you were fractured and I am determined that you will be whole again.

Realize I understand intimately the pain you felt. It has shaped your decisions, your life, and your direction ever since. But when the sun came out again you didn’t look at it and that was where your mistake was. You kept your eyes down and the hurt that was once normal, became a wound infected.

You must let go, you must forgive and before you can forgive the one person you thought was the source of this pain, you must do something you didn’t think you had to do.

You must forgive yourself.

The hardest thing in this world to do is to clean your own “house”. You recognized that day you approached the idea of forgiveness… that this was what you had to do. Yet you shrank away. I’m here to tell you, to grab you by the hand and TELL you that you WILL do this, you CAN do this, and you WILL succeed and be free.
So we start now, publicly, together, by saying these few things and opening the door to the beauty that for too long has been buried underneath the pain in my heart:

Unforgiveness is a form of abuse. I will no longer abuse myself.

I do from this moment forward forgive myself for the things I noticed but didn’t pay attention to. I forgive myself for wanting so badly to get out of the house that I lied to myself. I forgive myself for making decisions further impacting my life, using the badge of “marriage” as my excuse, when they were really choices made to help me avoid the truth. I forgive myself for all the things I know in my heart I did, said, or perpetuated because of the hurt I held inside. And lastly, and most importantly, I forgive myself because I deserve to be forgiven... I deserve to be free.

This is just the start Unforgiving Muse. Expect a lot of changes around here. But today, just for today, start with these words. Say these words, believe these words. Change them from a foreign language to a language inherent to your heart. And when you’re ready I’ll be right here forgiving you, loving you, and moving on with you.

Warmly,
Sue

A letter of Goodbye (Long Overdue)

“With every ending, something new begins.” ~Maxine Cates

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Dear Reclusive Muse,

The time has come and can no longer be denied. I’ve tried to avoid it, but regardless it’s here. It is time for us to part ways.

You came and offered me quiet seclusion at a time when I needed that the most. When I needed to shut down the voices of insanity as my world changed dramatically, you appeared and gave me peace. You became my very close friend, shutting out almost all others, leaving just four determined people who wouldn’t let go of me, (in my original “real life” circle of friends).

I don’t mean to be all negative here; it wasn’t all bad for us. In fact, you helped bring about some good changes for me, I recognize that. But in the end your style, the closed door and closed mind approach to life as it happened around me but didn’t involve me, is not the style of life I wish to lead any longer.

It seems in my life, two times now that I can think of, I’ve had awakenings. This second awakening is one that just can’t be ignored. Even if I wanted to ignore it, other forces are at work bringing about people and circumstances in my life that force me to be aware. And you know what?

I like it.

I like being in control of what I feel (to a certain extent). I like not being even sadder than I already was, when I couldn’t call someone (and you know, I really could not call at times.) because of my depression. I like feeling the warmth of my soul’s glow when I share with others, when I give and receive hugs, when I allow people to see me. I love the possibilities that have become available to me even while I wasn’t actively seeking them.

I do not doubt my old friend, that I will see you again. That perhaps from time to time you will offer your seductive reclusion to me and I might even accept, even just for a day. But I have to be firm and tell you here and now, that it is time for our goodbye.

I smile fondly knowing you were what I needed, but I smile warmly now, knowing this is the right choice for me. I bid you adieu reclusive muse…with no regrets.

Warm regards,
Awakened/Social/Happy Muse

Well dip me in color and call me AUBURN! Muse pics!

Ahh the marvels of modern technology, the wonder of it all... I'm in a hell of a goofy mood today. My first day back at work, bleh. BUT, I'm sporting a new do so I thought I'd share with you :P

Sunday night Sendoff...

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

There is no chance, no destiny, no fate that can hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul. ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

“Put your mind, heart, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.” ~Swami Sivananda

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I have had the most wonderful weekend. Bursting with all the excitement of good friends, companionship, and so much more, I am still breathless with it all. While life has twisted everyone’s journey, some for the darker it seems; for once my life has twisted into the light a bit.

I have to say that knowing Google Man and having him in my life has made for a very interesting time. He is at once supportive of my thoughts, firm when I need it, and full of understanding that somehow he has, even though he’s only known me a short time. This is the stuff of good friends; people that care, that listen, and respond in only the way a friend knows how to. I am very happy to integrate him into my circle of friends and even into my heart.

I have spent the past two weekends sick. (An unfortunate thing for Google man who has been there for both incidences). Last weekend I had the misfortune of drinking something that was bad. Food poisoning sucks, plain and simple. Google man stayed the night at my house, sitting next to my bed watching over me in the event that I needed anything.

This weekend I’ve contracted some intestinal viral thing which has left me both in pain and frustrated at my body. Again Google man has been a champion sticking it out with me, even staying up until 5am one morning just to make sure I fell asleep.

Even despite those sicknesses however, I have been surrounded by friends. I have heard some hard times hitting many people, and have great sadness for them. But in a strange turn of events at least for me, instead of getting all sad and depressed for all the things I could not do for those people; I instead sent out positivity by sharing my joys with everyone. Everyday I pray for people, think of people, worry for people. But this weekend in particular I coupled that with joy, and sent THAT out for people too. May the intention of that speed to you who need it.

Tonight, I sit across the table from Google man as we geek out on our computers and talk. And I smile at him as he knows now the dreams I’ve held dear to my heart of my goals for Utopia Skye. He listened to them all, never once putting them down. He offered help, and even better, nurtured my creativity. The night before I have to go back to the hell hole known as work, I simply cannot think of a better place to be both physically and emotionally. To have had so many visits with friends that my mind is still swimming in it, and to have had to outlet to once again walk in my dreams without watering them with reality… These are the things that fill my soul. A big thank you to my friends who whether on the phone, in person or in my mind have nurtured my spirit and given me the best send off to work that one could possibly have.

I came across this prayer today while searching for the quotes above. This post was to be all about dreams but it seems I’ve derailed my own post :P However, the one thing I DO want to give to people, especially those who are having a rough time right now, is this prayer. It is small and it’s all I have to give, but it is an affirmation of what I attempt to do each day… I hope it brings you peace today.

I Arise Today
Attributed to Saint Patrick, translated by Kuno Meyer.
I arise today
Through the strength of heaven:
Light of sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of sea,
Stability of earth
Firmness of rock.


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WELL WISHES
Today I wish simply for you to know that you are cared for. That even across the digital universe, someone is thinking of you and hoping your day is bright.

You are a blessing to me everyday.


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AND REMEMBER
"The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another's, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises." ~ Leo Buscaglia, American author and teacher

(Don’t forget to smile!)

Life 101

"If we had no winter, spring would not be so pleasant; If we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." ~Anne Bradstreet, 17th Century poet

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I know we grow with the lessons of life. I know the pains in our hearts serve to make us stronger. I know the spiritual, emotional growth that comes as part of weathering life’s adversity. But dammit why do we have to hurt to learn, to grow? Why can’t knowledge be imparted on us in some way other than painful?

I am so sorry for all those in my life close or extended, that are suffering. I’m angry in some ways, sad in so many others, and just praying for everyone.

Miss R – your sister in law, I send her love and hugs, and to you to strengthen your spirit.

Mrs. Virgo – your mother, and so many others you know have things going on… I send you love and peace and hope for brighter days.

Kelli – for your own inner turmoil, I send you love and strength. I think of you in particular today because I know too well the pain in the heart…

For all those I’ve not mentioned who have things going on, who know family or friends who have things going on; I send you hope, prayers, love today. I wish I could take all of it away. I truly do. But I can’t, so all I can do is hold your hand digitally…

XO

Muse

Lillies vs orchids, Pendants, and Wicked Wicked Wicked!!

"There comes a moment when you realize that virtually anything is possible-- that nothing is too good to be true." -Kobi Yamoda

We need only remind ourselves that much of what we take for granted today was once considered an impossibility. For it is only after we have pushed past the realm of impossibility that the possible can emerge. May you always be aware there is no "m" in possibility.

May you be aware that you are loved beyond measure and a cherished blessing to me. Visit www.myheartfeltblessings.com at any time.

May your day be filled with all things good,

Kate

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So many good things to report, I just don’t know where to begin! Ok, breathe, start from the top…

So, in April I’m doing something I’ve never done …EVER. I’m going into the city to see the production of WICKED! I’ll be sitting in Orchestra seating, listening to every bit of the show that I’m told is the best that even my MOTHER saw in 20 years. Then I’ll be staying the night at the Hotel Blake in Chicago, a 4 star hotel with all the amenities. And as if it couldn’t get any better than that, on Saturday 4-7-07, I will be going for the first time EVER to the Art Institute. Mrs. Virgo, and Kyle will be meeting Google Man and I for a days worth of adventures at the home of Art.

It’s also a very special day on 4-6-07, it’s Google Man’s Birthday. I am so excited for the weekend, for the friendship, for the fun. And I can think of no better way to celebrate Google Man’s Birthday than with friends and entertainment of the best quality.

I wonder though, if I’m more excited than Google man? Hehe, I have outfits prepared to buy, worries about my hair and makeup and all sorts of things I never worried about. “Girlie Things” I called them; things like playing dress up :P I can’t WAIT to partake of what I’ve starved myself of for so long. It should prove to be a most wondrous time!

On another note, the flowers I received the other day are in full bloom. The LILIES are gorgeous, making me sneeze but too beautiful to do anything about it. Why is LILIES capitalized? Well let me tell you, that involves the story of a kind man who didn’t want to embarrass someone, even though that someone was wrong.

When I got married my bouquet was all orchids; beautiful cymbidium (sp?) and princess Orchids. It was a cascade of flowers that was just as breathtaking as a waterfall, and it was hand chosen by me. So naturally, when the flowers arrived I oooh’d and ahhhh’d at that marvelous orchids in the vase, just waiting to open. Sure enough they did open, and they’re so beautiful! But as I was ever so gently told yesterday by none other than Google Man himself (I mean he would know right? He did buy the things :P) that the flowers in the bouquet were LILIES, and not orchids. So after my face flushed with embarrassment, I realized that I had thought LILIES were Orchids for 16 years because the florist gave me LILIES instead of orchids!

Well I suppose it’s never too late to learn :P

On another unrelated note, today will be a bit rough for me (maybe). If you can spare just a moment of your time, please offer up some strength and resolve to me. Nothing major, don’t panic, but rough…

And lastly, today I started the day with song. Bleary eyed at 6:30am, making coffee and fumbling about, I started song. Soon enough the music wove it’s strands of magic in to the start of my day and I think, today will be a good magical day of song.

I’m happy to share it all with you today.
Muse

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WELL WISHES
I wish today that not only does song swirl about you soothing the savage beast ;) but that also you find a place of peace today. Find a place of love. There is no greater feeling than that of love and joy. That is my wish for you today that love and song abounds freely surrounding your cares and diffusing the bad ones while enhancing the good ones.

You are a blessing to me everyday

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AND ONE MORE THING…

I got my pendant yesterday from Sacred Suzie! It’s beautiful! I wear it now and I swear I can almost feel the love, intention, and energy put into it’s creation. Thank you so much Suzie, it is LOVELY.

XO

Releasing the songbird - Part 2

Always when quietness seeps into my heart, I know ultimately what will free my spirit to soar... even if I do not utilize that knowledge right away. I'm always surprised when the walls come down and the songbird is released from her self imposed prison. It's a time when the song itself isn't what matters, but the absolute definitive energy with which the words burst forth from my heart that blankets everything. When I'm not afraid how I sound but that I wont sound at all; is truly when I shine.

Once the songbird is released, the creative poet not to be outdone comes forward also looking for her expression. And still too even after the two creative geniuses that reside somewhere in me are free, the birth of possibility, the constant happiness that exists because it is POSSIBLE comes forth and speaks her words of wisdom.

GOD what joy I would have if I could feel this every single second...

That is where I am right now, sitting at my computer, singing songs I swore for years I couldn't sing anymore. Writing words I wasn't sure I would ever feel as part of my literary expression... I know this is not much of a post, but the happiness in my song should tell you all that you need to know. Today is beautiful, all things are possible, life is good, and songs are being sung. I am happy.

May your day be as blissful as mine is this moment, just through song. Be well friends,
Muse

A special thanks to Google man for this special delivery... :)

The truth about the post...

I know I promised a personal post. I know I promised myself I would write it. And I started to… I really did.

For the most part this blog has been my place to post my thoughts and I have done so with some very personal things. I have boldly stepped into the realm of public display of my life and done so with very little fear for the most part.

But this one is just too personal, at least right now. Suffice to say it’s an exercise in putting my past demons to rest and wrestling with current issues. And I think the past should be put to rest, and the things thought of and concluded, but privately. So while I will not share this with you all, I hope you’ll forgive me, but respect my decision.

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In other news, life has suddenly become very busy. I’ve been offline more than on and it’s nice for a change. There are so many things I could write about. Indeed many times throughout the week I’ve thought, “Oh! There’s a blog post right there!” But when I sit in front of the machine despite having some inspiration, more often than not the page stays white, empty, and the cursor blinks at me begging me to type… but I am without words.

As a nearly final update in the saga of the cancer that appeared in my life months ago, I am finally returning back to the office on March 12th. I’m sure most of you know how I feel about that. Prospects for a new position are dim right now and my motivation is lacking too.

Can I just say right now, that I hate menopause? I HATE it. I’ve tried to learn to live with it, let it share my space but I can’t stand it. The sweats, the mood swings, the fears, the changes. I continually have to come to grips with it and more often than not, I take with just barely quiet resignation that I just wont be rid of it for many years. But while I take it, it doesn’t mean I have to like it. In fact, to reiterate…I HATE it.

Blah blah blah. I’ll stop now. I’ll be back soon.

***EDIT***
Tell me the hairs don't stand up on your neck when you read my horoscope from yesterday. (And before you blast me with the "validity" of horoscopes etc, realize i don't USUALLY give them much weight... but just read, and you'll see why this freaked me out...)

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Although you might feel hung up on matters at work or even to do with your health, these problems will pass. They might have occurred last August, and they will come to a head again in June/July. But after that, they'll be gone for 36 years. Courage!

Date of Diagnosis: August 28, 2006
Next post Op Appointment: July 2007

The Beauty of a Sunrise

Happy Friday everyone! I was most fortunate this morning to be up early enough to catch the sunrise. My only regret was that for the blissful 30 minutes i watched the sun greet the day, that I had not been in the country somewhere. The traffic was the normal rush hour, and the cell towers and lights were in the way of everything. I was however able to enjoy it nonetheless and so, wish to pass this on to you in case you missed it. Enjoy friends and have a BEAUTIFUL day. XO

Friday's child was happy & warm; **LONG POST**

“If you don’t like where you are in life, there comes a point when you must give up the part of you that’s keeping you back.” ~Dr. Sonya Friedman

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First, THANK YOU to Sacred Suzie for the beautiful pendant that is rushing on its way to me. It is homemade and it beautiful!! Click here to see it (it's the first one :D)

Well this week has been a week of reflection. I’ve been in some pretty light spots, and some pretty dark ones too. I’ve had the joy of witnessing the birth of a new friendship recently and I can say that it’s going well. I’ve had the misfortune to also see some depression this week return in me and that has kept my writing at bay.

The good news is that today all is well. It helps that the weather has been cooperating too, giving us some warm sun and warmer breezes to melt away all the snow.

For those who’s curiousity is peaked, yes, the friendship is with a male. A very nice man who will call Google Man (as Mrs. Virgo refers to him :P). He’s been quite the charmer and very attentive. I am enjoying this friendship and look forward to its continuing blossoming. You can never have too many friends in my book and I cherish all my friendships.

The bad news of the week is I’ve been turned down by a few jobs, one of which I was certain I was a shoe in for. It’s a bit disheartening considering that my days working at home are numbered as my health continues to get much better. I haven’t had a fever above 99.0 since last week, and my incision is COMPLETELY closed. No more packing, no more pain, hurrah! However, the end of the recovery (long road eh?) signifies a return to the office that I had hoped I would never have to return to… Life goes on eh? At least that’s my attitude today.

I have a few decisions to make in my life as of late and they’re big ones. Neither decision will prove to be a bad one, in fact they’re both decisions that have the potential to truly help me. But both of them would bring about additional debt. That’s something I really have to think about.

Through the very generous efforts of a some wonderful friends, I have been able to stave off a shift in direction as far as my credit goes. Thankfully I’ve been able to maintain a decent credit rating and now that things are continuing in an upwards direction, I can use some of that credit to my advantage. My two choices are:

Look for a house to move into this year (yes, my credit is good enough to qualify for a loan in that area, shocking eh?)

Or

Qualify for a student loan to further my education.

The debate is of the two debts I would incur, which would be the most beneficial now. If I take on a home loan, I take on increased monthly costs. Most mortgages will be over $1000 a month with assessment if a condo etc. I also would not be able to secure new employment as I would need to remain at my current place at least until the loan is finished.

The second option would mean I would be stuck in the same apartment for at least another year as I would not be able to renew my lease, however my rent wouldn’t increase. Plus I could secure different employment and be on my way in a positive direction with that while I increase my own potential getting my education.
They are tough choices. The first one of course is even deciding to accrue more debt. With respect to that, keep in mind no financial decision will be made today. Maybe not for another 6 months even, while I figure out the mess that the bomb of this cancer has left my finances in.

I feel like I’ve been stuck in some limbo hanging on to the psychological post traumatic stress over cancer, the surgery, etc. I’m trying to clear that up but in its place is the desire to do something with my life. Something new, some change, SOMETHING. And while no decision has truly been made yet, at least the thoughts are there.

I’ve also been doing some interpersonal work on myself as of late. After watching the secret and letting that stew in my mind, then seeing the follow up show that Oprah did about (I LOVE TIVO!), I’ve been more and more inclined to really examine a few things in my life. I haven’t gotten comfortable enough to “pick and choose” what I want from the catalog of life, but the idea of that doesn’t scare me so much now. I think the fear of picking is that verbalizing what I want helps reinforce it and that would mean change. Surprisingly as much as I do not mind change, it still scares me a bit.

My next post will be a very personal post. I’ve been working on it for a few days already and that alone should tell you how personal it will be. It’s one of those “Do I share it or not” posts. But true to my heart, and my vision I WILL share it. I think it’s good therapy to share your life with others, even in a blog where the whole world can see it if they choose. It makes it more ‘real” in some respects… validates it, if you will. But, it is deeply personal and requires a lot more thought than just the average message.

In the meantime, know that I am well. I’m getting better each day, and more aware, more out of my self imposed reclusion shell. I think of every one of you everyday and hope that you are all well. And I am grateful for all the candles being lit, the emails, text messages and love. I am very grateful for the love of my friends and family. I would not be here today if I didn’t have that.

Be well friends,
Muse

~*~*~*~*~*~

WELL WISHES

I hope wherever you are, whatever you’re going through, no matter how rough, you remember one thing. Remember that out in this vast world of so many diverse people, thoughts and actions; that one person loves you… JUST… AS… YOU… ARE. For the first time reader to this blog, the new friends in my life, the existing ones, and those yet to be. I love you with all my heart, I love you. May that love find you and cover you in warmth, positive energy, and happiness. You deserve it, you wonderful people you.. :)

In the words of Mrs. Virgo “Make it a great day!”

A celebration is underway

ok , so this one I can't claim this one as my own motivated success. There is a story behind tonights walk.

I have a new TiVo. I love the damn thing. I have been tivo'ing shows I never watched before! I've become a TiVo junkie...

Ok enough about my newfound addiction, the point is I Tivo'd Dr. Phil. Now let me tell you something that I think about his shows. I've heard so many good things about his show, but I never watched it until now. In my OPINION, his shows are from the few I've seen, just a new way for a therapist to tell people what they really need to be doing without the fluff. I don't think he's any miracle worker, I think he's someone who doesn't bullshit. That's the good news.

The bad news is that I think his show is still just like any other talk show, more about the ratings and the punch than anything else. Now that is my still forming opinion based on the few shows I've seen.

HOWEVER (yes there is a however), I watched a show today on morbidly obese people. They featured a 500lb woman and a man whose weight the doctor could only guesstimate in the 1,000lb range. I was both repulsed and saddened for these people. My sadness doesn't excuse their obesity, or their lack of initiative to try any means to lose weight. I know where these people are sometimes, I can identify with the depresison etc. But I couldn't help falling into the trap of shock.

The good news out of that show was immediately after viewing it, I went to my treadmill and walked. I saw myself on a scary road. We all need motivation and I suppose today my motivation was sparked by Dr. Phil. So here for the first (and possibly last time ever), you will see me say:Thank you Dr. Phil. You caused me to work out again and helped build my successful post today.

No jamba juice for this celebration, just lemon water and an orange later. Still sweet, but definitely within the calorie range ;)

That isn't the ONLY good news tonight. The really good news is that in one weeks time i've lost 7 more pounds!

Now THAT is reason to celebrate. So join me, send some love to me, to others, to yourselves, because my celebration tonight includes all of you. Just like little pixie dust floating about merrily, I sprinkle my happiness around and hope that it catches you all tonight :)

Much love,
Muse

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Tonight's Stats

32.30 minutes

129 calories

40.5 fat grams

1.6 miles per hour

.80/mile

Happy Valentine's Day :)

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"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~Rumi

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My dear friends,

I sit today on my couch, watching the sun melt all the coldness outside. When I woke this morning, I realized very quickly what a special day it was. It’s not been such a special day for me in quite a few years. As I began my morning routine, my thoughts drifted towards the words I would write in my private little space on the internet; my blog. I thought of all the love that seems to be filling many spaces these days. I felt warmed by the sun on my face and warmed in my heart by the love I’ve been given by many. It was a wonderful feeling.

An idea began to surface as I drove this morning for a personal letter that would be sent to everyone via my blog. I’ve been feeling some great creative energy lately and immediately jumped on this chance to spread some love. And so here it is friends, my deeply personal letter, globally to all of you.

Some of you have known me even as far back as when I was a precocious little girl who’s only mission in life was to talk to everyone & make them happy. Some of you entered my life when I was coming into my adulthood, the years of my awareness. Still, some of you have joined the journey of my life within the last 10 years and have seen the sometimes-tumultuous transformations I go through. And even as recent as the last few days, some of you still have joined me, becoming the unwitting traveler in my life’s escapades.

When I think of all the different people in my life, all the many facets of the friendships/relationships I’ve had, I can’t help but feel blessed. Each one of the faces I see parading before me in my mind has woven themselves so intricately, into the picture of my life. Each single thread gleams spectacularly on its own, and yes is perfect brilliance when combined with the energy of all.

Some of you are great listeners, some are great motivators, some have just the right type of hugs to offer when needed, and some know exactly the inner workings of me and can move about the storms I have with ease helping to keep me on course. Every single person that has become my friend, new, old or otherwise has done so because they are BEAUTIFUL. You all shine with an inner light that can’t help but draw love to them.

The last year has been a very choppy ride for me. But today, on this day of love all I can think about are all the wondrous people I know, the magical energies they’ve given me, the support they’ve given, and the love they continually bestow on me even when I may say I don’t need it.

Everyday should be a holiday celebrating the uniqueness of you. Every moment should be a moment of gratefulness. Every breath whispered should be one of expressed joy. But especially on this day of love, I choose to celebrate the energy of brilliance, that which you my friends have offered to me just by standing alongside me.

In this book I have,called “Sue’s life”, there are so many chapters, some even still being written; but each page is graced by the love of so many people. It is a book that I cherish, a book that I look forward to reading again and again as much as I look forward to reading each chapter as it completes. In the library of my heart, where all the volumes of books rest, this one shines brightly. It always draws me close when I fear the dark, and holds me closer when I need a friend. It shines with the energy of brilliance, the energy of you.

There is no greater power in this world than to light the pathway to one’s heart. I thank you, I am grateful for you, & I love you…all.

May your Valentine’s Day be showered with affection, joy, love, and the warmth of knowing no matter who you are or how long you’ve known me, you’ve touched me and you are loved.

Love, Light & Peace to every single one of you.
Muse

PS. My artwork has been quite crafty to include ATC's, painting, and Energy Work. Here are two images of my recent works... May they bring you a smile, enjoy!

For Mrs. Virgo - 2007

Positivity Study - 2007

Success!

Distance Walked: .75/mile
Speed: 1.5 - 1.8 miles per hour
Fat Grams Burned: 38
Calories burned: 122

Now if I could just do this everyday....

Monday's Musings

“A second quality of mature spirituality is kindness. It is based on a fundamental notion of self-acceptance.”~Jack Kornfield

Quote is taken from: A Path with Heart

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This weekend was nice, uneventful as far as drama goes and pleasantly surprising in other ways.

I had a wonderful talk this weekend with a special woman who really understood the way I was feeling without me having to say it at all. To that special woman, we’ll just call her Bella, I say thank you. You sparked in me the awakening of a hidden emotion, the acceptance of said emotion and the ability to being (hopefully) healing. Thank you Bella. (For those of you that don’t know Bella is Italian for beautiful, and this woman is all that and more.)

It seems lately that everyone is going through something. I know people’s parents who are very sick. Even my mother who NEVER gets sick got hit by the flu Mac Truck this weekend. Life is life and it continues on regardless of what people are going through. Sometimes you just want to shake your fist and say “ENOUGH!”. I am hoping and wishing for all of the folks in my life that are going through something that whatever it is speeds along...so that a return to peace can come soon.

As for me, I will be returning to work in the office at some point this month I think. My doctor’s appointment is the 26th and I believe that after that visit, I will get a return to work.. There are so many things I want to do in my life and not a single one of them is going back to what I had before. But I accept with some resignation, the fact that until something else takes it’s place or makes some change for me, that this is just the way it is.

I have come across some pleasantly nice surprises with regards to my opportunities lately. My credit score is higher than it has ever been and that gives me some opportunities I didn’t think I’d ever have. There is some consideration of possibly buying a house, or maybe even being able to get a student loan and get back into my education. While I can take these options, financially I need to be more secure to pay for those options. And that leaves me right where I am right now. It’s a vicious cycle.

In other news, I got my tivo and thanks to Kyle and Mrs. Virgo am happily recording many shows now. I’ve watched several episodes of Trading Spaces on TLC and am recording many others that I just never managed to catch. It’s fun being able to watch things without the commercials. Thanks to Kyle and Mrs. Virgo for a successful electronics 101 party on Friday ;)

While I write this blog, and have many thoughts, I still feel like I’m in some holding mode before something else brings me to where I need to be. Does that make sense?

Today is a new day… and life goes on.

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WELL WISHES
I hope your Monday today is bright. Mine is grey and overcast, but that doesn’t mean the sun doesn’t shine in my heart. I send you my “sun" rays of light to guide you to a smile instead of a frown.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

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AND REMEMBER
There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame of that heats our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other. ~Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I see you .... :)

Taken 2-10-07

Thursday (insert witty title here)

"To find the universal elements enough;

to find the air and the water exhilarating;

to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter;

to be thrilled by the stars at night;

to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring

- these are some of the rewards of the simple life."

~John Burroughs

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Today is Thursday. One more day until Friday. The sun is shining and that in and of itself is glorious. I got my Tivo on Tuesday. Can't figure out how to hook it up for the life of me (and yes, I followed all instructions :P), so tomorrow I'm having a pizza party. It's lovingly being called Sue's Introduction to Electronics 101. Thankfully Kyle and Mrs. Virgo are available to come over and help me. Believe it or not as computer savvy as I am, electronics (wires, which goes where, etc) are still a mystery to me. These cords have been hooked up the same way for almost 4 years now. They were hooked up by my ex husband, and i've just never touched them hoping that I wouldn't need to. Heh... so much for that right?

Anyway, I am looking forward to Tivo. I'm a little late on the bandwagon for this little gadget, but there really wasn't a need for it. Now that I'm not gaming all the time however, there are some shows that interest me.

I don't really have much else to post right now. There are the usual mundane blahs about my life, specifically work related, but I just don't feel like giving them any more energy than I already have.

We'll see how my day progresses today :)

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WELL WISHES

I wish for all of you that the day goes well, there are no hiccups (least not of the life issues kind, hiccups physically are funny :D), and that you feel well. You are thought of everyday.

You are a blessing to me...everyday.

Muse

Weekly catch up sort of... Long post

“In order to hear your calling and answer it, you must generously give yourself the gift of time. It’s not how fast you make your dreams come true, but how steadily you pursue it.” ~Sarah Ban Breathnach

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Lately I’ve been really trying to do some soul searching. Mainly I am just trying to find my soul, that which seems to be on vacation a bit… ;) But some days I get lucky and can find and reflect on the things that make me tick.

Watching “The Secret” has given me some insight. Unfortunately with my roller coaster emotions as of late, I am unable to completely hang on to the message. But luckily it’s been imprinted deep enough that in some cases, I need only reach a little bit further for the meaning of it all.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk for a while now. I even refer to this funk in earlier posts. It prohibits my creative juices from flowing so to speak, so writing is out; ATC’s are out; and sadly even singing is out. The end result is a listless, restless soul who more often than not paces her apartment, and avoids her blog for fear of posting something that may be only temporarily true (i.e. Sadness that is not permanent, restlessness that is circumstantial, and illness that seems to have no diagnosis but is hopefully temporary too)

I have been trying to come to grips with the differences in my life. Not just the surgery; not just the fear of having had cancer and the elation of no longer having it; not just the new energy I have from 40 pounds of weight lost; not just the depression swings from menopause; and not just being lost in some void waiting for something to change. I feel like I should be doing something. But I can’t figure out what.

I watch more TV than I ever did before. Despite losing almost 40 pounds (yay) I am now hitting a plateau and have no desire to walk, to lose more, to do anything. Thankfully I eat less, but sooner or later no matter how little I eat, the weight will pack on.

The good bit is that I DO have a desire to go out more.

See this whole thing is the problem. I’m no longer comfortable in my own skin. It used to be before the online world, that I was comfortable being a go-getter in a fast paced job, fast paced industry. Then my divorce hit, my being alone for the first time in so many years, etc. Then I became comfortable as a recluse, hiding from others by being online. That was ok for a while. Now, post surgery, due to many factors, I am no longer comfortable in the world that I’ve built for myself. I like gaming, but it doesn’t hold the same power over me that it did. I like all the contact online, but wish it was much more meaningful, less fleeting and less acquaintance like (NOTE: there are exceptions to this, friends I’ve met online, hell entire FAMILIES I’ve met through friendships online, who have become very true friends, I am not denying that I have made some very good quality friends, simply saying I wish some of the contacts I DID meet aside from those friends were not just people who are liars, and don’t care about others. Because those liars and others, have hurt me and some even wanted to use me.). I’m having a hard time being who I was and I have no clue who I am now.

Wow, you don’t hear from me for a week and I come here and just babble incessantly. Sorry lol, I’ll wrap this up.

Anyway, I miss blogging my thoughts, but do not wish to fall back into the same trap I was in when I first started blogging. Not so much because of how may people see me, but for how I see myself. I look back on those old posts and can say “I know what I was going through” and have some respect for my journey, but they still make me wince to read them. But I feel too as if my voice (literally) has been cutoff lately.

So I will make some goals today. Easy ones, that I’m sure to complete so as to help me get that sense of accomplishment, that always leads to bigger and better things.

~I think today’s goal for me is to sing. Simple, pure, easy… just sing. Somehow song and music helps put me in a different spot and being able to express vocally will help open my heart.

~I think the weekly goal will be to find and flip through “Life’s Catalog”. This is a place where I can look through the things that are available to me, but I have never claimed. I think I’ll create it even in my mind and make some choices for everything I have ever wanted and send it out just by my choosing.

~I think the monthly goal for February will be to make a vision board. Some type of place where I can list the “possibilities” that I will be a part of once I make the choices from “Life’s Catalog”.

I think now is the time for change if I can just keep my A.D.D. and emotional instability at bay long enough to see it. Wish me luck; this roller coaster ride is ever changing…

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WELL WISHES

I have missed doing these most of all. I have no idea if they’ve ever had an impact on you all who read them, but it gives me joy to be able to say “I wish for you…”. So today, I wish for you all to find your “Life Catalog” and look at it. I wish that you have the open heart and open mind you need to acquire the vision that comes with forward thinking particularly about yourself. I hope that if you find yourself in a funk as I have, that you feel my spirit out there going through the same thing. And most of all, I hope that the sun wherever you may be shines on you brightly warming your skin, and your soul. Even if you can’t do a single thing of these wishes, it is my sincere wish that you know at least, that you are loved. Truly.

You are a blessing to me everyday (in so many ways)
Xo
Muse

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AND REMEMBER

Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new. ~Ursula LeGuin