Updates, Wine, and Hakuna Matata *lol*

I do not have quotes for you today per se, but I do have some other things. Caution: Requires a bit of interaction!

Meditation Room

Ask yourself a question, and pick a color!

Light a Candle; Go on, it wont hurt and will be good for your soul...

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I do not want to be at work today…

Last night after a day full of new obstacles (mainly health related), I discovered quite innocently an unopened bottle of wine peeking at me from the door of my fridge. It was one of my favorites, a White Zinfandel. Around 8pm cst, I opened it up without a care to the world knowing that I never drink in excess and rested comfortably in my ability to stop at any time.

Three glasses later I couldn’t see the bottle to determine that I was drinking right out of it. I began singing on the voice chat program known as Teamspeak to a host of eager gamers who were all too happy to listen to the normally cautiously carefree “muse” let loose and let all her hair down.

(It should be noted here and now for those new readers or those who are New-ER, that the muse is not a drunk or a lush but rather a single woman who for once decided to open the bottle of wine instead of letting it sit waiting for a special occasion.)

I sang all manner of songs, including the much requested Norah Jones “Come Away with me”, a scattering of verses of “Geek in the Pink” and such delectable delights as Hakuna Matata (don’t ask). I waxed musical poetic so to speak and had some fun.

How did this come about?

Truthfully?

Well…because my financial arrangements were approved through the hospital. You know what this means folks, my surgery is real… and what’s worse it’s coming soon to a local hospital near you (err me). And that TERRIFIES me.

Who isn’t afraid of surgery right? Especially if you’ve never had any before. The closest I’ve come is a procedure done in 1994 to fix some abnormal cells in my heart. It took me SIX months to come to grips with the fact that I am going to have that procedure done. SIX MONTHS…

I don’t have the luxury of that time frame now. My surgery will either be 9-26-06 or 10-9-06 we “think”. And for me the news of the acceptance of my financial arrangements was enough that I was emotional charged all evening. So much so that in the end, I did the thing I very rarely do… had a glass of wine to relax.

I kept going however, and while I suffer mildly today for it, I realize that it’s ok. I had fun. And right now while I worry about things as heavy as cancer, life, living, will I be allowed to go forward, I think the once in a blue moon slip into inebriation is not only acceptable but maybe even FULLY condoned.
Now, I await the nurse’s instructions as to the doctor’s schedule. Then I move into the next stage of this journey. The emotional issues about the surgery.

See up until now it’s been easy for me to hide away in my online world and forget that I have been diagnosed with cancer. It’s been easy for me to casually wonder if I’ll survive, and even play with some of the knowledge that maybe it will have spread. It’s all still some form of a bad nightmare I think.

Yesterday was my alarm clock.

Each day something new, each moment an emotion to be expressed… and right now as I smile about yesterday’s fun, fear builds its home in the corners of my mind. It waits to express itself again knowing that I have no more wine (indeed wouldn’t want more), but waiting to put me on edge again.

So I’ll throw it out there now folks…just for you; your very own CAUTION sign.

Caution: Emotional charged, sometimes stable, definitely afraid and often alone muse. Do not feed her, she may bite; try to love her and hope she wont snap; but definitely enter this area at your own risk…

You’ve been warned. Now, here’s to hoping each day is a bright one…

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WELL WISHES
Today more than ever I pray for you to have a peaceful day full of consistent comforts. May you breeze through your work with the flexibility to meet any obstacle head on. May you finish your schoolwork promptly and feel accomplishment. May you enjoy the comforts of your friends and good company. I wish and pray for this for all of you, and today I include myself in this too.

I count my blessings everyday now. It’s a good exercise in reflection. And everyday you are among the first blessings that are counted. You are a blessing to me everyday.

XO

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AND REMEMBER

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly. ~Henri L. Bergson