There are so many things I could not, would not even begin to tell you about this cancer of mine. Most women will understand the things I speak of just because we’re women and we have this uncanny ability to “Know” things. But there are things that happen daily with this cancer that really make me “feel” this cancer. Some are small and just annoying like the incessant pulsating of my abdomen. Then there are things that are bigger like the searing pain that occasionally grips me and doubles me over immediately making me sweat profusely. There are of course other unmentionable things that just make me want to stay home for the rest of my life.
And so I begin to wonder, will I ever be in control of my life again? Will I ever not have to relinquish control over to my body instead being able to keep it in check myself?
I wish I could explain without sadness or drama how this makes me feel (particularly at moments like these). Sitting at my desk chanting to myself “2 more hours, 2 more hours” in a desperate prayer to speed up the end of my workday so that I suffer no further repercussions of this cancer is not my idea of fun. Especially as the work keeps coming in and I can barely focus on my screen let alone focus enough to do work.
And lets for two seconds discuss that earlier today I had thoughts to call Mrs. Virgo and be spontaneous and say “Hey lets be like, you know… normal and I’ll just stop by spontaneously and we’ll have fun.” Let’s further discuss that since I have this "issue" and have no control over my body that even now my thought is NOT, “Lets go out” but more like “let’s get home… and FAST”.
I hate it. This is the beginning of this too… What happens if I have more caner? And have to suffer chemo? What then?
One step at a time, I know. Breathe, I'm trying.
Two more hours…
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2 comments:
My mom called it the huge cancer elephant in the room - in every room of her life. One day it will only be a small badge of courage you wear with pride.
I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this.
You are among my list of people I offer up a prayer about before going to bed at night & I hope that your treatment is swift and you can go back to "normal" soon.
It's funny how much we can crave normalcy the minute it's stolen from us isn't it?
You're right in that the best way (maybe the only way) this can seem manageable I imagine is to take it one step at a time.
Stay strong.
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