BC/AC; A Tale of Two Lives...

“I expect to pass through the world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer it, for I shall not pass this way again.”   — Stephen Grellet, French/American religious leader (1773-1855)

“Our duty is to be useful, not according to our desires but according to our powers.”   — Henri F. Amiel, Swiss writer (1821-1881)

“Compassion is the basis of morality.''  — Arthur Schopenhauer, German philosopher (1788-1860)
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8-28-06 11:30am BC:

On my way to my local Toyota dealer to drop my car off, I was blissfully unaware that in the next ten minutes my life would forever change.  In 10 minutes time, I would be moved from the current of a mid thirty something’s routine life (albeit slightly depressed) to a Cancer patient’s life.  I remember, I was on the phone talking with someone, sitting in the parking lot of a fast food place eating my lunch as fast as I could so I could drop the car off.

8-28-06 11:40am AC:
And then the phone rang…

My other line rang and it was the doctors office and still when the twinge of dread came over me, I didn’t understand why?  The doctor had the tones of someone delivering bad news, soft spoken, serious, yet quiet…  And when she said that I had cancer, all the light around me began to disappear.  It was odd, it didn’t just disappear, it “withdrew” into a vacuum tunnel of darkness.  Soon there was just an aura around myself and the phone I held through which, no voices were speaking anymore.  

I don’t remember telling the doctor that I had to call her back, but apparently that’s what I did.  I told her I couldn’t hear her and I would have to call her back.  I don’t remember telling the person I was on the phone with, I don’t remember calling Mrs. Virgo, I don’t remember caling my mom but I did.  

Starting that day and for the next week and a few days leading up to today, I’ve cried so many tears.  I cried so much that first week that everyday my eyes were swollen.  My emotion about this shows itself today in my anger over my treatment (or lack thereof) by the hospital who is supposed to care for me as a person and want to save my life.  

I will make another post today, about my dealings with Loyola Hospital.  I thought about it for a long time, and after my surgery, after I get better I intend to make sure that there is some protection for people from places treating them like dollar signs instead of patients which is to this day how I’ve been treated by them.  I will post it today so it can be chronicled in case something happens to me through the course of this cancer.  Because when I’m done, I don’t know how or what but I intend to take action.  Because the LAST thing a person diagnosed with cancer (or ANY disease) needs is to be made the feel like they’re a piece of shit no MATTER their circumstance.  It’s hard enough to know your life *could* be on the line.  Insensitivity has no place in dealings such as these…

9-6-06 7:30am AC:
I sit here at this desk this morning mentally trying to prepare my mind up for the days struggles.  It’s funny now how slowly this cancer and its related tasks as integrating themselves into my life.  Mentally I begin to tick off the “Honey Do” list of things I need to get done.  I have to order some phone lines for some customers today, oh and can’t forget to get my biopsy slides after work (said with all the casualty of going to pick up the laundry).  Have to get up early for an appointment with a doctor who could care less about anything except that I pay in full for this visit tomorrow.  Must get coffee too…  To give you an idea of how confused I get, today I put my shirt on backwards and I *just* noticed it now…

I feel like I’ve lived two lives thus far.   The one I was born with (BC = Before Cancer) and the one I was forced into (AC = After Cancer).

When I live “outside” of this life with cancer I try everyday to look at it getting used to knowing it’s there, because for the rest of my life cancer will always be there.  It’s still too painful to look at all the time, but at least I can glance in the direction of my life with cancer and not burst into tears as I did last week.

In the midst of all this, a team has been assembled.  Somehow folks who gravitated towards the sound of my calls have come together from all walks of life to support me.  And while I deal with this, I try to be grateful for the support I get.  Today’s DailyOm talks about the Sacred Sentinels and  it was appropriate for today’s post.  Even though this post is fairly serious in tone, it is not  ever without its light.  

Here now, is the DailyOm that spoke to me this morning and reminded me as I felt some sadness over this whole thing, that people have gathered… and despite this cancer trying to remove me from these people that people do care.  I can see them holding hands and standing strong forming a barrier (circle) of light around me…and this morning, that image has staved off the tears one more time.  That is a wonderful thing.

XO

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DAILY INSPIRATION

Sacred Sentinels
Assembling Your Light Team

Each of us, whether we realize it or not, moves through life in the company of beings whose task is to watch over us. These ancestors, spirit guides, angels, guardians, and ascended masters designated to serve as protectors and guides take pleasure in their roles yet cannot assist us without first being asked. Since the origins of our sacred sentinels differ, we may choose whom we call upon for help based on the situation at hand. However, in certain circumstances, particularly those in which time is of the essence or there is the potential for harm, we may feel the need to surround ourselves with our entire complement of benevolent, watchful guardians at a moment's notice. To do so, a great shortcut is to create and assemble a light team-a group of spirit helpers who will come to our aid when we utter a simple word or phrase.

The creation of a light team begins with the dedication of the words that will serve as a shortcut in your time of distress, signaling to your sentinels that you are requesting their support. Meditation, at an altar or otherwise, can help you attract their attention, affording you an opportunity to articulate your desire that they work in tandem in certain instances. Creating a short ceremony in which you surround yourself with objects you associate with the helpers you wish to assign to your light team can ensure that those beings are in attendance as you designate your shortcut. Creating this shortcut is simply a tool. You can employ "light team" as your rallying cry or any other words you feel comfortable using. The numerous guides and guardians that see to your welfare will accept your choice gladly and respond instantaneously when called.

Your light team will be there to assist you in those dangerous, chaotic, or confounding moments when you don't have the time, energy, or opportunity to center yourself and meditate on individual sentinels. You can also call upon them when seeking guidance that originates from a variety of perspectives. Whether the support they provide comes in the form of guidance or wisdom, their combined presence will give you a sense of security that strengthens you and reminds you that you are never alone.

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WELL WISHES
I can be sad all I like about this cancer.  I can be afraid as well, but I will never be without well wishes for anyone, no matter what.

Today, I wish you a day of recognition.  May you look to your significant other, to your friends and see truly, how precious they are.  Instead of people, see the angels inside each other and recognize them, and love them.  

*Big hugs to you to all*


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AND REMEMBER:
“You have not lived a perfect day, even though you have earned your money, unless you have done something for someone who cannot repay you.”  — Ruth Smeltzer