Things I read while waitng...Thoughts from the doc while anticipating...**Long Post**

Quotes and prayers I read while waiting for the doctor this morning...


Your pain is the breaking of the shell,
that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruitmust break,
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder
at the daily miracles of your life,
your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons
thatpass over your fields,
And you would watch with serenity
through the winters of your grief.
~Kahlil Gibran

I need somebody
to touch me
in a healing way

Somebody

Somebody

to touch me --
with love

somebody
who can hold
this depth of pain

hold me
crying tears
for every woman
whose
being a woman
has ever
made her cry

Unshed grief
running out slowly
in a river
of cleansing salt.
--Akasha Hull

I accept the cancer in this body,
Knowing that it is not me.
Hand in hand we play and practice together,
That all who suffer may be free.
--Annabel Laity

You carry the cure within you.
Everything that comes your way is blessed.
The creator gives you one more day.
Stand on the neck of the Fearful Mind.

Do not wait to open your heart.
Let yourself go into the Mystery.
Sometimes the threads have no weave.
The price of not lving yourself is high.
--Jim Cohn

When you feel you are alone
Remember there are angels
Whose sole purpose
Is to embrace the lonely.
--Corrine De Winter
~*~*~*~*~*~

When I arrived today at 8am, there were a few people waiting. I've always loved to people watch. Today though, I felt as if I were an outsider taking a peek into someone's private lives. I never noticed so many people surviving from this disease. And this was just the morning.

I was grateful for the people even just sitting next to me. Still uncomfortable though I was "I don't really have cancer" still rattling through my head, it still felt nice to sit among people who didn't look at you like you were going to die, but that you were going to survive.

The center is quite lovely, all glass and newly created finishes. The light came in and almost made one forget that the reason you were there is because you like so many others before you have entered into a statistic of people that have an intruder in their life. The intruder called Cancer...

I sat for a few hours and talked to a doctor who didn't look like she cared one way or the other. This didn't offend me nearly as much as the absolute insistence that we talk to financial before ANYTHING progressed. *sigh* My only consolation from this is maybe I can change this way of doing things someday... maybe.

Anyway, she gave me three options. Two of the options still give me a good risk of retaining or recurring cancer. The third is the most life preserving type of surgery and it's to remove it all.

In order to be fairly certain that the cancer is removed, they need to remove everything. They'll then do a sampling of tissues and what not and see if there is any cancer present. If not, then all I need to do is check up with them every 3-6 months and keep an eye out for any signs of recurrence. The survival rate for this procedure is 95%. However, there is a small risk in this process. The procedure will give me quite a arge incision. And because I am overweight there is a chance the incision will not heal properly. This means I will need 6 weeks recovery time. One week after the surgery I'll know if I have more cancer, and what will need to happen then. The hope is there wont be any and 6 weeks later, I'll be on my way to getting healthier than I've ever been.

Money, money, money.. the Surgery is quite expensive (about the price of a nice mid size luxury car). I'll be out of work for 6 weeks and if my boss doesn't let me work from home, well... I dont know what I'll do.

For now, I can only deal in the present and in the present I have a surgery to schedule. But I am going to wait until after my birthday, so I'm hoping for 10-1 as a surgery date... We'll see.

Now to continue on with the morning's realizations...

As I left the doctors office after two hours of being hidden away in a back room I was ASTONISHED at all the people who had come in for treatment. My GOD there were so many. It broke my heart to see them... I began to wonder who was family, who was a patient, who was moral support. I wanted to hug every one ofthem and offer them some of my heartbeats to let them know someone out there was there for them who didn't even know them.

Instead I smiled halfheartedly and walked out, my head hung low, my heart heavy with so much sadness for all of the folks there, my mind weighted down with my own burden.

I spent the rest of the day burying myself in phone calls to creditors and negotiating with some of my companies I owe money too in order to avoid confronting the inevitable sadness for others and myself. I worked hard... I didn't get much knocked off my monthly but I did manage to push off about $500... Now I have to come up with the rest for 6 weeks of pay.

One thing at a time... I must breathe one breath at a time.

Tonight the faces of those in the waiting room are upon me. Some haunted eyes, some bright eyes, some smiles, some heads wrapped in the telltale banadanas that shows a loss of hair, but all of them somehow my partners now. I send love to them all...and prayers for strength.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

Tonight as you go to sleep I wish you the sleep of awareness. I wish that in your heart while you sleep your dreams are of ways to make others smile. Because you never know who just came from an office full of bad news, or a visit to a friend who is suffering. May your heart be light and full of love for all. Dream well my friends, dream brightly... I'll see you soon.

You are a blessing to me.

XO

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

We ask forgiveness
of one another,
woman to woman,
sister to sister.

We ask forgiveness
of one another,
as children of God,
as friend to friend.

Toomany times
have we failed to stand
together
in solidarity.
Too many times
have we judged one another,
condeming those things
we did not understand.

We ask forgiveness
for assuming we know
all ther is to know
about each other,
for presuming to speak
for each other,
for defining,
confining,
claiming,
naming,
liiting,
labeling,
conditioning,
interpreting,
and consequently oppressing
each other.
--Medical Mission Sisters (Excerpted from "Life Prayers")