Check in with your heart; Happy Friday!

"If you wish the world to become loving and compassionate, become loving and compassionate yourself. If you wish to diminish fear in the world, diminish your own. These are the gifts you can give." Gary Zukav

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt


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Strength… Some people have it in spades. Some like me seem to be missing it on occasion. Wish me luck, today is the day that I ask for next week off. I’ve decided that my sanity and my current state of mind before the major surgery is much more important than anyone’s phone lines.

I will likely post again today, but for now here are some tidbits of wisdom and inspiration for you all today. May they serve you well in your daily doings.

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DAILY INSPIRATION

Linking Center
Checking In With Your Heart

Every day we experience a magical twilight between our dreams and waking state. During this brief period of time, our minds still remember that all things are possible. We can smoothly transition into our physical world without losing a sense of hope when we check in with our heart center first, before we even get out of bed. Our heart center is the link between body and spirit, instinct and inspiration. It doesn't take long to hold a thought of loving gratitude for the heart that beats within us. In a mere moment we can review all that we want to accomplish in the light of love. When we get into the habit of beginning our day from the heart, all of our activities glow with the infusion of conscious intent and all interactions are done with compassion.

We can restart our day right now by imagining how love and inspiration feel. As light glows from our heart center, radiating out through our bodies into the space around us, any feelings of stress or frustration seem to melt away. Now, we see each person we encounter as fellow travelers in the journey of life, and every activity becomes part of a spiritual partnership. As conscious participants in the cycle of giving and receiving, we share our light with others as we become enlivened ourselves, with our heart leading the way.

In the intersection where our body and soul meet, our physical heart beats in time with the rhythm of the universe. It does the physical work of supplying our body with life force without our attention, but for its spiritual work, we need to be conscious. When we concentrate on its rhythm and glowing light, we remember that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Then we know that we can choose any time to check in with our heart center, and in doing so, experience the joy of being in love with life.

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WELL WISHES
Have a BEAUTIFUL Friday. Look at beauty, feel peace in nature, watch children play, laugh more, smile all day like the Cheshire cat does grin, smell a rose, walk barefoot in the grass before it’s too cold to do so, hug someone…share life. You never know how long or short it may be.

You are a blessing to me everyday…
XO

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AND REMEMBER

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. ~George Sand

Gifts, Love, and Light

It gives me great pleasure to announce that Candles Lit in My Heart; Words to Dispel the Darkness-Book 2 is ready for download! Keep in mind you can download this book for free as it is my gift to you in thanks for your prayers and intentions. This book is not intended to do anything but give people peace, love and joy. I know it gives me great joy to make them.

Please enjoy and know you’re thought of and cared for everyday. (Links Below)

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Brand New! Book 2 “Candles Lit in My Heart; Words to Dispel the Darkness – Reaching Out to Others…”

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The Muse Store – Where books are sold!

Book 1 in the “Candles Lit in My Heart” Series


Love, Light and Peace to you all.

Fear & Prayer

"We must give up our will, give up control, and release our expectations about a specific result. This is where the going starts to get tough. We want what we want, and usually we want it yesterday. We need to open ourselves up to the possibility that we don't always know what's best for us."  ~Kathy Cordova
Quote is taken from page 16 of: Let Go Let Miracles Happen


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I’m thinking of asking for the week before my surgery off.  As the day gets closer I realize with frightening clarity that I have not dealt with this as much as I *should*.  I know I can’t afford the time off (per se) but I do not know that I can afford to not deal with this either.  We’ll see.

Today’s post will be short.  I do not have much to say since I have a growing knot in my stomach that I only just today realized is fear; pure unbridled fear.  It’s what keeps me from being able to work effectively everyday.  It’s just covered in the mask of confusion.  

Seriously though, since my diagnosis I can’t seem to function at work.  I find that I lack the caring about my job to do anything worthwhile.  I know as I’ve read in some psychology journals that this type of response is normal, but I’ve also read that I should be seeking some help to deal with these things (emotions) and I can’t.
Rather than make a sad post, or a post in anger, or whatever, I’ll leave the post with the good news that as of today I have officially 30 more prayers and as such the next book “Candles Lit in My Heart; Words to Dispel the Darkness (Reaching to Others)” is in production.  Look for it by the end of day today or tomorrow.  

Keep lighting the candles please… They bring me peace and well, at times like now where I’m gripped in fear, they bring me calm.

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WELL WISHES
May you know peace today and may you know you are loved.

You are a blessing to me today.

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AND REMEMBER
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  ~Marianne Williamson

Random Memory; Successful Book & thanks :)

"Intent is a seed in consciousness, or spirit. If you pay attention to it, it has within it the means for its own fulfillment. Intention's infinite organizing power orchestrates countless details simultaneously." ~Deepak Chopra Quote is taken from: The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire

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Today's Affirmation
I intend to be the very best I can be.

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We cannot hold a torch to brighten another’s path, without brightening our own. ~Ben Sweetland
(Brighten someone else’s path today, light a candle for them.)

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I am pleased to say that the book “Candles Lit in My Heart; Words to Dispel the Darkness” is a huge success. Many thanks to those who lit candles; many thanks to those who continue to spread the love by lighting more. For you, who continue to offer peace, pray, and bring calm to the world of chaos, I will continue to make these free books. I can think of no better way to offer some peace to folks then to let them see beautiful images of things, with words and prayers offered up by folks, combined with sayings that for YEARS have been inspirational and guiding. The kicker is I have to have 30-31 prayers to do a book. I would love to do one for a full months worth of inspiration. You can get in on it by lighting candles. They don’t even have to be special, just light ones for folks you love, for your self, for strangers. It’s just your way to contribute to a big picture of universal peace. In return I will contribute back… Maybe together we can brighten up someone’s corner of the world. I know this brightens up mine.


I’m feeling much better today than I was yesterday. This is a good thing as by the time the afternoon hit yesterday I was in a fair amount of pain. I’m glad that it’s gone.

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Today’s random memory was supplied by sister.

When I was all of 4 years old, my mother took me to court after falling in love at first sight with me. She says she held me in her arms and I shyly looked out among the courtroom of people. And when they asked if I would go with this woman, I said I would but I was shy and quiet about it. Hardly the image one would think of me yes? I mean when I came to visit with her I told her in no uncertain terms “Now remember, I’m just here for a visit”. Yet somewhere along the way, I felt all the love from this woman even in my tender already cracked heart at age 4. I felt it so much that I CHOSE to be with her. The memory of this is rusty as most “good” memories for me are… Sadly mostly my memories that ring with crystal clarity are bad ones, and equally sadly there are many of those. However, today is not the day to share in them. Today is a day for love.

When my now officially mother brought me home, she first brought me to my new sister who was 4 years older than me making her 8 at the time. I do not remember how I greeted her, but I do remember her saying to my mother “Is that my sister?” almost incredulously like, WOW you left the house without her and now you have her! I always thought in the back of my mind that perhaps my sister didn’t want me. But as it turns out I am all too happy to say that I was wrong.

She did want me, and in so many ways that I just didn’t know. My sister you see was born to be a mother. Even at the tender age of 8 she knew it even if she didn’t know it consciously. She always took care of me. Even when I didn’t want it, or thought I didn’t need it, she was always there. In fact she took such good care of me that she even tried once (only … once) to cut my hair. I was so proud of her doing this. Even though after she was done I had to wear a shirt announcing that I was a girl. My sister had gotten a little too excited with the scissors and left me looking very much like a little boy ;)

Over the years as we grew up and out and for a time…apart. My sister would become at times my best friend and at others my nemesis; though none of those things was her fault or mine. It was just life, and we were both living it.

The best time of my life was just before I lost her, when we had finally become the sisters we had always intended to be. I loved her tremendously, and she loved me. We were each other’s companion and life was good.

Until the day a brain aneurysm shortened her life at the age of 24.

I was very, very sad when she was taken from this world. In fact she is the first person to get me to write again with her passing because the ache in my heart wouldn’t stop until I wrote it out. I miss her still now, but the pain is more of a persistent but slightly weaker ache. It’s more like a longing for all that could have been instead of a knife wound in the heart. When I remember her now, I barely remember the times we weren’t together. I remember the times we were one in spirit and I smile. I remember her saying “Is that my sister?” with a sense of childlike awe and admiration and I can think without pain… Yes, my dear, I always have been your sister and I always will be.

Thank you Pamela for the beautiful memories of you.

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WELL WISHES
May you look upon your siblings today those with us, and those past, and remember fondly the moments you shared where even though life thrust you together, you were still one in spirit. May that love for another fuel your love of life today.

You are a blessing to me everyday…
XO

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AND REMEMBER

Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things. ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal

Reality on Occasion

There are so many things I could not, would not even begin to tell you about this cancer of mine. Most women will understand the things I speak of just because we’re women and we have this uncanny ability to “Know” things. But there are things that happen daily with this cancer that really make me “feel” this cancer. Some are small and just annoying like the incessant pulsating of my abdomen. Then there are things that are bigger like the searing pain that occasionally grips me and doubles me over immediately making me sweat profusely. There are of course other unmentionable things that just make me want to stay home for the rest of my life.

And so I begin to wonder, will I ever be in control of my life again? Will I ever not have to relinquish control over to my body instead being able to keep it in check myself?

I wish I could explain without sadness or drama how this makes me feel (particularly at moments like these). Sitting at my desk chanting to myself “2 more hours, 2 more hours” in a desperate prayer to speed up the end of my workday so that I suffer no further repercussions of this cancer is not my idea of fun. Especially as the work keeps coming in and I can barely focus on my screen let alone focus enough to do work.

And lets for two seconds discuss that earlier today I had thoughts to call Mrs. Virgo and be spontaneous and say “Hey lets be like, you know… normal and I’ll just stop by spontaneously and we’ll have fun.” Let’s further discuss that since I have this "issue" and have no control over my body that even now my thought is NOT, “Lets go out” but more like “let’s get home… and FAST”.

I hate it. This is the beginning of this too… What happens if I have more caner? And have to suffer chemo? What then?

One step at a time, I know. Breathe, I'm trying.

Two more hours…

The Letters of Hopefulness; Letter 2

(Letter One Here)

Dear Unknown Love,

You know what I find most spectacularly attractive about you? The fact that you understand me. You know exactly what I mean when I talk about how people should buy into their partners “Chairs”. You allow me to be who I am without embarrassment. You temper my giddiness when needed, and you listen when needed and somehow, god only knows how, you know EXACTLY when to do both of those things!

I know no one is perfect and I know that this is “new” so right now you’re the closest thing TO perfect that one can know. But dammit, I want to hold this moment inside. I want to capture and hold onto it. I want to look back on this reflection in the perpetual mirror of infinity and see the emotions that this gives me. See them, feel them, and experience them all over again. I want to remember so when I get mad (as I’m prone to) or when I get bitchy (yup that too) or when I get sad over some small thing that this can wash over me like a bath of perfect essential oil both lifting and calming at the same time.

Sigh...

Oh and I do find your arms attractive too. They’re like the best blanket I’ve ever had wrapping me in warmth at any time.

Okay so now I’ll go blush myself into oblivion and pray that even as I hit send on this email that maybe you won’t think me childish for gushing… But maybe instead you’ll smile and give me an extra long hug when next we see each other. By the way, when will that be?

I can’t wait to see you… ;)
Warmly,
Sue

PS. No I never wrote this many letters in high school, so guess what… you get ALL of the ones I should have written way back when :P Aren’t you excited?!

The letters of Hopefulness; Letter 1.

"To live as fully, as completely as possible, to be happy, and again to be happy is the true aim and end of life." ~Llewelyn Powys

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"Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."  ~ Mother Teresa

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(We’ll see how this series goes… ideas, comments, and critiques, are welcome, but realize you can offer advice, but you cannot change the offerings of my heart ;) You can however, give me ways to express it better… I’m always open to improvement.)

Dear Unknown Love,

I’m sitting here at my desk this morning thinking of very few things that I should be thinking of.  The work sits in piles since my absence yesterday, the voice mail light is blinking, and the printer is full of reports it spit out yesterday while I was home sick.  I won’t even address being sick today, I just do not want to deal with that.  

Anyway, at work today I sit in the center of business chaos.  I am like the eye of the storm, calm while chaos abounds.  The whole time aside from thoughts that come and go, I find myself wondering how it is I came to be so lucky so as to meet you.

I’ve spent what seems like an eternity writing about love in all its forms; romantic love, unrealistic love, fairytale love.  I had slowly despite the outer façade of confidence, begun to give up on love for me.  Even now when confronted with it, I wonder as I sit here in the peaceful center of chaos if indeed you are real.  I do not want to coat reality with too much sugar; it’s too easy to see only sweet things in life when you do.  But I do want to be aware everyday of the magic that happens when two people meet and in the blink of an eye things change.  How you can go from one day saying “I’ll see you soon” to the next where “I can’t wait to see you” is the only thing you can say.  What is the trigger?  

I sit here now extremely happy and yet the vortex of emotions continues to swirl about me.  I could write about so many things.  I might even be able to capture the essence of how I feel succinctly enough to appease my own inner critic.  But in the end, I’m left without words, just emotions.  I’ve become the emotional barometer measuring with frightening accuracy the levels of awe, peace, happiness, love.  And I’ve just met you…  

I warned you, I’m very passionate.  I have incredible highs and tremendously deep lows.  The roller coaster of my heart requires gentle patience, firm persistence, and deep understanding to be enjoyed.  I further warned you that I have much baggage.  I can put a long time traveler to shame in the amount of baggage I carry with me every day.  Hopefully the warnings spoken to you at this very early stage give you some indication of the fragility inside me.  Hopefully that fragility doesn’t scare you away.  Hopefully you can see the exotic beauty beneath the surface that is reaching to be brought forth.

Hopefully…

There are so many words to be said...I could go on forever, but perhaps that is my lesson today.  Perhaps I should learn today that time really is on my side and the volumes that the heart speaks don’t always need to be addressed immediately, but rather, enjoyed like a nicely aged wine; Sipped, rather than gulped.  

Or maybe I’m just full of shit and we should just laugh at the ease with which I wax poetic on the table of reality?  Hopefully that brought a smile to your face ;)  It did to mine.

I hope you have a good day and know I’m looking forward to hearing your voice.  Or perhaps seeing your email, or even hearing the chime of your IM.  If I get lucky enough to see you in game perhaps we can go to a place we’ve never been before.  Either way, I’ll just be happy to see you in any form.  You make me smile.

Warmly,
Sue

New Series of Letters... would like your input

I’ve decided to start a new series.  As is typical with my writings I have no idea how long it will go, how good it will be or if it will even be posted.  I’m working on the first one now.  It’s a series of love letters, realistic, current; written to the man that will someday (god/goddess willing) will be at my side.  I write these because I believe that thinking of it will help maybe, further the reality to me.  I’m not certain I’ll post them here.  But if you want to read them feel free to chime in and give me encouragement.  It never hurts…;)

(Sorry for my earlier rant, just had to get it out)

Have a good Friday

Rant; Insurance and Health Care

What is the matter with our systems?  I am absolutely dismayed at the lack of care the industry of caregivers displays.  It’s not just the hospitals, but it’s the insurance companies too.  

I struggle every time I have to deal with this; it’s harder and harder to not think I’m being singled out.  I have done it right all my life.  I didn’t make the mistake of having children before I was ready.  I’ve maintained a steady job.  I’ve dotted my “I’s” and crossed my “T’s”.  So why the hell can’t I get insurance?  At best (as this latest insurance man who was very nice and politely apologetic told me) I can only get an indemnity plan that pays me money if I wind up in the hospital. I cannot get traditional insurance.  

Traditional insurance plans will not take me not because of cancer, no… for that they’ll just make me wait 12 months before they’ll bring me on (pre-existing conditions).  But the real reason they won’t take me is because of my weight.  Talk about discrimination!  Aside from this cancer and one other mentioned condition, that I might add I had long before I had any weight issues, I’m extremely healthy.  Yet I can’t get insurance because statistically overweight people have more health problems.  I am NOT a god damn statistic!  I’m not in the same group of people who do not pay their bills (this is for the hospital).  I am not in the same group of overweight people who are unhealthy (this is for the insurance companies).  I’m not a Dollar sign dear doctor!  I’m not someone to be ignored Insurance companies!

I have since my diagnosis been fighting daily for my own care.  I’ve had to be my own advocate along with my army of local friends and my mom who have helped me make calls and send papers.  This is so frustrating!  All I want is the same god damn thing that any other person would get.  I’ve done what I need to do; I’ve done the “right” things, so why can’t I get the same damn benefits as anyone else?!

My frustration level on this has been expressed personally only to those around me, forgive me the frustration that you see about this, but I had to post this so that if someone else who is going through this sees this, they know they’re not a statistic, or a freak, or whatever these god damn companies think they are.  They’re a person, who is suffering, and they like me when I experience this frustration feel so medically alone as the companies who were created to insure, heal and help us do NOTHING.  They would prefer instead to not take the risk and save a life, but would rather ignore the PERSON and do like so many others (including our government), and just watch us die.

How’s that for reality?

Gifts & Love, Happy Friday!

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, not to anticipate troubles,  but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly."
~Siddhartha Gautama
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Today's Affirmation
I lovingly care for my body temple.

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My birthday this year was a day I won’t forget anytime soon.  Between all the birthday wishes online, in game, on the phone, the gifts, the candy, the lit candles, the silk Pj’s ;) (Yup I got silk pjs!), and even this morning, the emails from friends & the flowers from work folks (who all forgot my birthday yesterday for the second year in a row :P), it’s been a day of happiness for me.

I spent the night yesterday lounging around in my new silk nightgown and silk robe, drinking wine and eating chocolate truffles as if I had been born to do that everyday for the rest of my life.  It was FABULOUS.  It’s like having a fabulous Christmas the memory of which lingers in your mind in the form of faint scents of apples cinnamon and hot chocolate.  It’s been a long time since I had a birthday that felt special.  And I owe this one to all of you.

I wont say that my birthday prepared me for surgery, because I’m still terrified of it, and it does unfortunately loom closer now…but I know that when I have my anesthesia the last thing I’ll be thinking about is the love I’ve felt from many and the memory of the very special day on my 35th birthday when you all made me feel like a queen.  

Now that my birthday has passed, we move along my fear timeline towards the approaching surgery.  This weekend and one other comes, and then I’m in surgery.  I’m terrified of that.  I will be attempting to see as many people as possible and getting things in order.  But now is a critical time where more than ever, I need your help.  I need your prayers for the surgery, that it is smooth, for the recovery that it is quick, and for the future that this gets it all…  

Please continue to light candles, it will give me joy to put together more gift books for you all and will help yourself as well as many others feel peace.  

Be well today my friends, be well…

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DAILY INSPIRATION

Following the Current
Going With the Flow

The expression going with the flow is a metaphor that applies to navigating a river. When we go with the flow, we follow the current of the river rather than push against it. People who go with the flow may be interpreted as lazy or passive, but to truly go with the flow requires awareness, presence, and the ability to blend one's own energy with the prevailing energy. Going with the flow doesn't mean we toss our oars into the water and kick back in the boat, hoping for the best. Going with the flow means we let go of our individual agenda and notice the play of energy all around us. We tap into that energy and flow with it, which gets us going where we need to go a whole lot faster than resistance will.

Going with the flow doesn't mean that we don't know where we're going; it means that we are open to multiple ways of getting there. We are also open to changing our destination, clinging more to the essence of our goal than to the particulars. We acknowledge that letting go and modifying our plans is part of the process. Going with the flow means that we are aware of an energy that is larger than our small selves and we are open to working with it, not against it.

Many of us are afraid of going with the flow because we don't trust that we will get where we want to go if we do. This causes us to cling to plans that aren't working, stick to routes that are obstructed, and obsess over relationships that aren't fulfilling. When you find yourself stuck in these kinds of patterns, do yourself a favor and open to the flow of what is rather than resisting it. Trust that the big river of your life has a plan for you and let it carry you onward. Throw overboard those things that are weighing you down. Be open to revising your maps. Take a deep breath and move into the current.

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WELL WISHES
It’s Friday!  May the joy of the day strike you early, so that all day you have a smile on your face that can’t help but be infectious!  You are loved; you are cared for and thought about.  Spread that to someone else and make it a fabulous day.

You are a blessing to me
xo

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AND REMEMBER

There is a way that nature speaks, that land speaks. Most of the time we are simply not patient enough, quiet enough, to pay attention to the story.  ~Linda Hogan

The Voice of a Child (for my Poetry Thursday Post: Just be You)

The Voice of a Child

I speak with the voice of age today
Yet see through the eyes of a child
Her inner spirit courses through me
Flexing her wings wanting to be free

Inside my heart she plays with my memories
Skipping from one to the next
She amazes me with her imagination
But on days like today
She peers through my eyes watching life go by

She listens to my voice speak
Not understanding what I say
She writes herself a little letter
And hands it to me

The letter plucked from the voice of my heart says
…set me free.

©SKW

This letter is to my inner child who is as she has shown me, alive and well but wants to be free. Perhaps the next time it rains I can stomp around in a puddle for a bit ;) Or bake some cookies and make a horrible mess as I do. But I do think after 35 years, she deserves some attention and most definitely a big hug.

Happy Birthday to all born today!

"Truths for Living: The more generous we are, the more joyous we become. The more cooperative we are, the more valuable we become. The more enthusiastic we are, the more productive we become. The more serving we are, the more prosperous we become. The more outgoing we are, the more helpful we become. The more curious we are, the more creative we become. The more patient we are, the more understanding we become. The more persistent we are, the more successful we become." ~ William Arthur Ward, U.S. college administrator, 1921-1994

And the more determined we are to live up to our full potential, the closer to doing so we become.
~Kate Nowak
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Your birthday is a special time to celebrate the gift of YOU to the world. ~Author Unknown



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35 years… wow.

Today I celebrate the gift of me. I have lived a long life thus far in my 35 years. I’ve evolved just as everyone has. I’ve had many ups and many downs. But in the end today I can say with a moderate amount of satisfaction, I did the best I could with what I had and you know what? It was good.

My life started not as prettily as I would have hoped. I was in a broken home loved only by my brother who was *just* two years older than me. He cared for me. He spent many nights talking me to sleep because I was so afraid of the dark for the things that would come from the dark… Then after a bond was forged so deeply between us, we were separated by adoption.

My adoption was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know now that if I had stayed with my biological mother, I would be so far from the person I am today. I know this because even in the short 4 years I was with my biological mother my life was hell. If you can think of it, it probably happened. And the time spent between being put up for adoption and the time actually being adopted was just as bad… There, I suffered even more unspeakable wrongs.

By the time my Mother (my TRUE mother, the one who loves me still to this day) adopted me, she had a small precocious child on her hands who just knew *all* the answers and knew a bit more about life than a child should have at the tender age of 4. My mother loved me then, and she loves me now. She’s loved me through some very rough times in my life. She’s loved me when perhaps she shouldn’t because I was hurting so bad I was a terror to be around… but she knew I had to go through it. Her love, her guidance, and the soft depositing of spirit into my life that she gave me helped form the person that many of you know today as *Muse*.

I had always in life walked a path of darkness. But the amazing thing even as I walked in the dark was that I carried a torch to keep the light with me. I gave it to anyone who wanted it even DESPITE my own dark path. I’ve always been that way. After a particularly dark time in my life (16-17 years of age or so), I finally came out of the dark, and when I came out of the dark it was then that I really extended my wings and flew.

I still fly… I still ride the wind sometimes high above the clouds, sometimes dangerously low to the ground, but I still fly. I’ve lived a life of shame, suffered misery, trauma, loss, and pain… but I’ve also been loved deeply, grown, learned, and developed into something that I never knew I could be.

Today I celebrate my life; all 35 years of it now. I celebrate the bad times for being the stepping stones to a path of growth, making me something better than I ever thought I could be. I celebrate the good times with wild laughter and mad dancing about because those SHOULD be celebrated fully! I celebrate the unique things that make me “me”; those pesky traits like neurotic organization, spazzing out when I get lost, crying because someone I barely knew was hurt, and being so passionate that a simple sigh can move me. I embrace my future, yes even with this cancer, and hope that however long life gives me, be it a year or 10 or 50, I continue to remember, that I have it in me to give back to others. And I embrace my friends, those in the “real world” and those online as well as those in the “blogosphere”. Without all of you I would not be able to stand as tall as I do today.

Thank you for all the calls today (already I’ve had a few ;) ) and for the candles, and the gifts. The best gift of all I already have, and that is the gift of me… and the gift of you all.

It has been a great birthday so far, thank you!

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WELL WISHES
Today I give the gift of my birthday to you all in the form of celebration. Go treat yourself, its ok I said you could ;) Share in my birthday by doing something, anything special for YOU. Make it a day when you truly feel the shared celebration of the uniqueness of someone’s life and add it to your own celebration of uniqueness. I don’t care what it is you do for you, but IMMERSE yourself in joy today. You deserve it!

You are a blessing to me everyday, and today I feel your spirits burning bright in my heart.
XO
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AND REMEMBER
From an unknown author on Heart Quotes (more like a blessing, but completely appropriate to remember):

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved.

My Gift... to You. XO

"All the darkness in the world can't put out the light of one candle."  Confucius
~*~*~*~*~*~

On this very special eve that will soon herald a day unlike any other, I wish to start off right.  

I am an emotional person.  Every test I’ve ever taken in psychology, every personality test, etc has shown this to be true.  I get fired up at hurts, I get deeply passionate when moved, and I feel the spectrum of emotions that one can feel so deeply that at times I seem nearly manic.

But one thing I’ve never fallen short on, the one thing I’ve always rested on even in times of trouble was my desire to make people happy.  It is what quenches the fires of anger in me and soothes my wounded soul.  

I will have a longer post tomorrow on my birthday that shall have more content about my year in review.  I’ve decided that each year just as I do at the end of an old one or the start of a new one I will look back on my life and see with the casual glance of a learner, where my mistakes were.  I will also celebrate my advances.  But the point is, I will CELEBRATE it.  

But for right now this post is all about YOU…

I’ve always said that once moved, I am like a never ending fountain overflowing with joy and love to give all.  And because you (and you know who YOU all are) gave to me, so begins the cycle of love anew.  

It’s not much, but it is a gift, my gift to you.  

For all of you that lit candles, here is the first (and there may be more depending on how many light candles and share love) in a series of gifts I wish to give you.

Follow the link below.  There are TWO options for you.  The option with cost is only there for those who wish a printed keepsake professionally bound to hold onto.  The cost is only that of printing and shipping.  This is truly a gift, and not one used for monetary gain at all.  

The other option is a free option for anyone to download.  

These would have become my second “Book of Light”, now they become my messengers carrying love given to me and others, back to the originators to share for all.

I encourage you to download this and share in the moment.  It’s moments like these that keep us alive…

XO
Muse

Special Project

Ooooh I’m working on something special. A new project is in the works. If you want to be in the know you must light candles. That’s it, that’s all you have to do. Send some intentions to people, send some to me, and send some for your self.

Interest piqued yet? Well it should be ;)

More soon…

Light Candles here...

Peace, Solitude, Blessings & Light

"If a so-called religion displays any form of hostility or division within Its own ranks or toward another religious faith, if it doesn't generate Light and provide answers to our most challenging questions 100 percent of the time, then something is terribly amiss. Conflict, intolerance, and darkness cannot, by definition, exist in the presence of Light and true spirituality." ~Yehuda Berg; Quote is taken from page 35 of: The 72 Names of God

~*~
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.  ~Anne Frank

~*~
"There was a man that hated his footprints and his shadow, so one day he thought that if he ran fast enough, his footprints and shadow would not be able to follow him and then he would never have to look at them again. He ran and he ran as fast as he could, but the shadow and the footprints had no problems keeping up to him. And he ran even faster and all of a sudden he fell dead to the ground. But if he had been standing still there wouldn't have been any footprints and if he had been resting under a tree his shadow would have been swallowed by the tree's shadow."  ~Benjamin Hoff, author of "The Tao of Pooh"

Many times we hate our problems and do our best to run away from them, but no matter how fast we run or how far we go, our problems follow, scurrying behind us like footprints and shadows. Little do we realize that if we will just stand still and wait, breathing deep and relaxing both body and mind, the solution, in similar fashion to the shadow of the tree, will swallow up the problem whole and leave us free to celebrate.  ~Today’s Heartfelt Blessing – Kate Nowak

~*~*~*~*~*~
Today’s happy memory is one of tranquility.  When I was in my early teens, my mother would take us to a place to visit some friends.  These friends had a wonderful summer home directly on the beach (where? I do not recall lol).  Maurita and Walter were there names and they were the kindest people I recollect spending any time with.  

The house they had was a huge beach house with two or three levels and all sorts of nooks and crannies that children my age and my sister’s age could get lost in.  PERFECT for hide and seek ;)  We would bring books, comfy pj’s, swimsuits, and gear for a weekend of nothing but fun.  The only thing I didn’t like was all the spiders.  But I suppose that couldn’t have been helped much.

Every day we went to the beach.  I didn’t realize it at the time how pivotal a beach would come to be for me in later years, but at that time the beach was a place of pure solitude. Maurita and Walter owned a large expanse of the property behind their house so we had the beach for miles to ourselves.  Many a time we would take our inner tubes and just float listlessly on the water watching the shoreline recede and hearing the lapping of the water against our skin.  It was a moment or many in fact, that deserved the humble quietness of respect and tranquility.   It was then that I learned unknowingly to look into my heart for peace.  Nature teaches you these things I suppose.  But sitting there floating on the beach aware of so many dangers (the tide etc) and yet being at peace and alone gives you the freedom to truly wander in your heart and get accustomed to it’s inner secrets.

I do not have any particularly favorite moments that I can recollect in this memory I share with you today, but I know the whole experience of the time spent there was one of warmth and friendship and joy.  The detailed memory itself is in my mind but the “peace” surrounding the memory is the truly important reflection today; because even as a child going through the ever tumultuous years of puberty & youth, somewhere in the world, indeed in my heart, I found a place of peace in  nature surrounded by water...and it was good.

~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION

Seeing Your Perfection
Letting Your Light Shine

We are each born into this world with unique gifts. Within us is a glimmer of the divine, a light that can potentially make the world a more beautiful place. But in many, that light lies dormant, snuffed out by fears and feelings of inadequacy. To spark it is to attract attention, face the possibility of rejection or the responsibility of success, and risk being labeled immodest. Yet when we undermine the light by hiding our aptitudes and quashing our dreams, we deny ourselves and others a wealth of experiences. Your abilities are a part of who you are and when you take pride in them, you affirm the love, esteem, and trust with which you view yourself. Moreover, as you express the light within, you grant others permission to do the same, freeing them to explore their own talents.

For some, we are taught to hide our light from the world since childhood. Relatives caution us that the professions associated with our aptitudes are unattainable. Our peers may be envious of our skills and thus overly critical of the activities we instinctively enjoy. And authority figures admonish us to be humble and avoid showing off. But there is a vast chasm that separates those who let their light shine and those who seek only to draw attention to themselves. When you dare to share your light with the world, the beauty and perfection of your soul become clearly visible. You become a whole being-the literal embodiment of your vast potential. Whether you are a wonderful dancer, a first-rate cook, quick with numbers, or a natural negotiator, you'll come to understand that you do the world no favors when you hold yourself back.

If you have hidden your light for so long that it has shrunk to an ember, make a list of everything you do well, however impractical, silly, or seemingly inconsequential. Then ask yourself how you can positively utilize those abilities in your daily life. The gifts you were born with were not granted to you arbitrarily. While you may never discover what impact your light has had on others, you can be certain that when you embrace your talents and share them with others, you will spread illumination in the world.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
May you find your peaceful beach today.  Even if you’re not near one, know one is in your heart.  You have untapped oceans of tranquility within you if you just choose to see them.  May you use your words wisely today too, saying truly what you mean and only when you mean it.   Peace comes not just through the discovery of quiet solitude, but also through the acknowledgement of honesty in your heart too.

You are a blessing to me today.  
XO

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
"Within you is one of the most beautiful oases you will ever find; it is absolute love. Seek the oasis within your heart, mind and soul. If you cannot find your oasis, you are living in a desert. Walk out of the desert, into the openness of your mind, and you will see your oasis. Start your journey by loving yourself each day. Fill your chalice with love from your oasis within so when you meet others who are thirsty on the road of life, you have something to share." ~Ron Rathbun; Quote is taken from page 141 of: The Way Is Within

Words of Clear Expression

I find that often times when I’m trying to describe how I feel, sometimes it is best to let others who have more eloquence speak for me; because it’s already been said.  Mostly this woman, whom I have never met, has spoken words I’ve felt, plucking them right from my lips like ripe cherry blossoms, even though she spoke them so much earlier than I did.  

If you have time, I suggest you read her blog.  She is a very talented writer and a wonderful painter of words with a gift to really help people understand cancer of her variety.  But her haunting words echo with such resonance for people who do have cancer that even having read them once before diagnosis, I’m still today referring back to her posts and gleaning more tidbits of wisdom that I never saw before.

I find in particular today, this post struck me as soundly as having been the “better” expression of my post earlier this week “The Depths of Loneliness”.  I wish I had the ability to express with such beauty the way I truly felt, because only with clear, precise expression can anyone hope to understand what you’re going through.  There is a paragraph further on down in Cancer, Baby’s post that emulates EXACTLY what I meant to say, but didn’t quite get across (or so I think).  I have paraphrased it here so you know when you read it which one in particular I meant.

“I will tell her that when the voices rise in unison with their monotonous, incessant platitudes about how she'll beat this, about how one day when she is 80 she'll look back on this as something that made her so much stronger, it will be okay if she tells them to stuff it -- if she tells them that their blind optimism can be dismissive, belittling, condescending, and defeating.

I will tell her that when people fawn over how courageous she is, they won't understand that she's simply trying to get through the day.”


She is a wonderful author and even though her light no longer lights in this plane, it burns warmly in my heart forever.

(Yes, more to come later perhaps… It seems I have a lot to say lately).

Lefty & Righty call the Landlord *Dark Humor*

They Won’t Leave Me Alone ~Cancer, Baby

You find ways to deal with the upset. Even if you don’t want to, your mind finds ways to help you deal with the upset on most occasions. In the above referenced story, a woman who had ovarian cancer wrote about her organs as if they were personalities. Reading it before my diagnosis, I found it darkly humorous. Reading it after my diagnosis, I found it remarkably true. I know it’s not easy to laugh at a story like that especially when it rings of deep truth. But you have to find ways to laugh.

I was speaking with my Australian friend this morning and again found myself relating my incidents to the story Cancer baby wrote. I joked half heartedly about making my own story, of the organs Lefty and Righty who live in their apartment complex, and have just gotten a new Neighbor Mr. Cancer. I think perhaps I will write it, even just for my own laugh. So here in a testament to Cancer, baby’s post above, is my own story (hopefully humorous) about the neighbor that just won’t leave.

~*~

I am the landlord of a very precious property. Much more expensive than the esteemed Boardwalk in the game Monopoly, my property is highly prized for its uniqueness. However as we see unfolding here, my property has a small secret. This secret that the surprised tenants discover is that they are not owners in the property much as they like to believe as such having lived there for nearly 35 years, but they are renters and at any given time strangers can and do move in.

Two of my eldest tenants Mrs Lefty and Mrs Righty have been with me from the start. As it turns out even though they are from different sides of the street (so to speak) each having their own distinct and unique purpose, they still were comfortable with each other from the very moment they moved in. They immediately gravitated towards friendship like a pollen bee does to a flower. Once they were strangers. However, now after 34 years, they have become the best of friends throwing parties and joining in their tasks together performing them with great zeal and vigor.

Rooming only one hallway apart from each other, they were able to frequently keep in touch with each other oblivious to the empty apartment in between their hallways. One day unknown to me, a new tenant had snuck in and was working on taking up residence there. His name was Mr. Cancer and while his presence at first was undetected, now he was a bonafide tenant of the property. I knew this would be a problem at some point and I prayed for this to pass over, prayed that somehow he would leave before being detected by the two “twins”. But my prayers went unanswered when I received a panicked call about this late this Sunday eve.

I answered on the third ring:

“Hello?”

“Hi Landlord! This is Lefty calling…” She didn’t wait for a response but started talking all at once “I’m calling about the new neighbor? You know the one you let move in, Mr. Cancer?”

“Yes” I replied waiting for the next one.

“Well” she continued “I just want you to know he’s a horrible tenant! He’s always throwing parties, and trashing the place! Why just the other day I saw him tearing apart the wallpaper in the hallway and replacing it with his own “Version” of it”. She spit the word Version out as if it were a foul taste that had suddenly entered her mouth.

“And well, I just want him to stop and go away… Can’t we evict him?” She sounded petulant, half begging, half whining. I sighed with tiredness. I had half expected this, but I truly wasn’t 100% sure she would be the first to call. I thought for sure Righty would, seeing as she was always the outspoken one, the one to make the most noise at the first sign of trouble. I was as I found out not to be disappointed in that thought either...

I heard an audible click and I knew I had suffered another three way phone call attack. They had obviously been planning this phone call with the perfect timing so they could both speak tome at once.

“Hi, this is Righty, I’m here too and I just have to say your choice in tenants with Mr. Cancer leaves a lot to be desired. He’s always knocking on our doors really late at night. It’s gotten quite frightening.”

“I understand Righty but I can’t just ask him to leave, it’s not like he’s a guest here, he has found a home too. Trust me I understand what you mean but I just can’t do a thing about it”. I pleaded with them as the exhaustion over this conversation set in deeper.

Lefty chimed in again whispering her words “Well I suppose then if we can’t feel safe in our own home, we’ll just have to consider leaving the premises then.” And Righty followed suit offering her own words too.

“Yes, indeed, after the 34 nearly 35 years we’ve been together our anniversary being a mere two days away, I’m surprised that you aren’t doing everything you can to rid us of this menace known as Mr. Cancer.” The words came faster and faster and her voice increased in volume with each word uttered as the REAL reason for the call became evident. “I’m afraid we are left with no other option than to provide you with our notice of termination of lease effective today. We will be moving out on 10-9 promptly by the afternoon.” And with that I heard one phone hang up. I stood quietly waiting for the remaining party, Lefty to speak.

True to her form after a short pause, she was apologetic “I really am sorry but with a stranger like that invading our home and knocking on our doors at all hours of the night, I just don’t know what else to do. We would love to stay but we just can’t, his parties and trashing the place are really lowering the property value here. You must understand.”

“I do” I said, as I sighed resigned to the loss of my two eldest tenants.

“Well, don’t worry about Righty, she’s just PMS’ing right now, she didn’t mean to be all dramatic about what she said. I personally hope you’ll be well. I know you won’t miss our dramas and sagas that we have made you suffer through from time to time. Please understand it’s not you we are angry with, it’s Mr. Cancer and your inability to do anything about his presence.”

“I know” I said.

“Well then take care.” And with that she hung up.

I hung up the phone and headed not to work as I had expected, but straight to the bathroom instead for a nice long soak away from the world of Drama Queens and Mr. Cancer.

~*~

Not my best, but well it definitely puts a new spin on things eh? I’ll post again later.

I've signed my first born away...*long post*

Well the decision has been made. There will be many tears. But it's been made.

I've decided to have the hysterectomy including the removal of my ovaries as well. It was a hard choice for me. Apparently i've been harboring some secret desires that maybe just maybe I would get lucky enough to find a partner who I would want to share the joy of giving life with... I had no idea that I felt this way, but as I signed the consent forms today I cried. The tears slipped forth from my eyes silently without the gasping racking sobs I've become accustomed to.

My mother sat across from me and when she came near me I told her no, I just didn't want to be touched right then. I felt I had betrayed my own body, willfully signing them away.

I was very very sad and still am. But, there is some light to this day. And it's a very interesting story that I have to tell. So to keep a little bit of light in among the darkness that fans itself out covering everything I write anymore, I will tell you this story.

~*~

Once again I found myself sitting in the immense waiting room surrounded by magnificent glass architecture and sunlight rays streaming in. It's such a paradox that a place of such death (death of ovaries, death of cancer, death of people suffering) should have such light about it. The presence of death I've understood since childhood is reserved for the palor of the funeral homes tended to by creepy people who wallow in death. It has no place among such beautiful light.

But I digress...

I noticed a woman, a rather large african american woman sitting across the way from me. I remembered her from the last time I was there. There was nothing spectacular about her but I remembered her.

Next I knew they were calling my name, distracting me from watching her. i headed into the doctors office and after making my decision and speaking to a thousand people who all had something to tell me (none of which I retained as I was lost in a fog), I signed my organs away. Numbly, I walked out into the packed waiting room unaware of anyone around me, mindful only of the hot tears precariously perched among my lower eyelids. I think my mother was speaking to me about coffee or something, but I don't recollect. I just kept walking to the door needing to get outside.

When I arrived out there, two women sat on a bench waiting for their ride or the shuttle and one of them was this african american woman I noticed from before. My mother went to have a cigarette walking away from the cancer center leaving me with the valet ticket for the guy to get the car. Sitting among the woman as the man went to get the car, I heard this woman talking about my mother smoking to the other elderly woman. I looked at her, and said "I wish I could get her to quit." She looked back at me and said "I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean for you to hear..." and I cut her off saying no no, I really do wish I could get her to quit.

As it turns out this woman is here because her daughter may have ovarian cancer and this african american woman (the girls mother) smokes. She came outside to smoke "5 cigarettes because baby I can't deal with this... I just can't".

What I tell you is true. I have no idea what came over me.

I immediately reached over and put my hand on her arm and told her it was ok, that she would quit soon. She looked at me and without a thought let me into her life. It was such a sweet silent transition from stranger to friend that had I blinked I might have missed it. She related to me that she was a god fearing woman and that she was afraid to pray to god for his help in this. I could have said anything, I could have walked away but she gave me this IN to her life and I could NOT ignore it. So I did a most surprising thing. I put my hand on her arm again and told her that that kind of talk was just her fear, her addiction talking. I told her that God knew she couldn't do it on her own and that he would carry her until she could stand on her own and do it.

She just stared at me wide eyed.

I then related to her some tips of quitting smoking (which I did in 2001 successfully). She laughed over the idea that cinnamon would help stave off cravings and together we chuckled over the image of me whipping out a cinnamon container everytime I had a craving.

My mother came over and reminded me that the car was here now, so off I went to my car, but as I did I leaned down to her and said, "It's ok to be afraid, but ask for help, you'll be heard".

Sitting in the car, I was overwhelmed with the desire to give this woman something, ANYTHING of mine that would provide some comfort. I believe wholeheartedly in energy and transferrence of positivity and energy and I just *knew* i had to give this woman something. So I reached into my bag and withdrew one of the thank you cards I had especially made for folks who had contributed money to my cause. Without a word I left my mother in the car and walked back over to this woman whose name I didn't know and sat back down.

She looked at me and for 10-20 seconds we sat there side by side, the breeze rustling my hair and giving us peace. I looked at her turning towards her and explained that when I was diagnosed with cancer, people from all over had come together even for just one night to be a support to me in a time when the world felt like it was crumbling away under my feet. She put her hand on me and sympathized that I was so young to have cancer and I told her, "People should do things like that more often... should care more often." She agreed. I told her as I handed her the card taking both her hands in mine, that I had made these cards as a way to let the people who had touched me know, that I in turn wished to touch them as I was indeed touching her now. I wanted to let her know that she is cared for, loved, and that she was not alone.

I think there were tears in her eyes when she said to me "You are the sweetest person I've ever known" and I said "No, I'm not" and I smiled at her as I continued "I'm just what we CAN be to each other". I stood up and hugged her tightly telling her again that she was loved and to not be afraid, that help was out there. I told her I would pray for her and her daughter that whatever their trials they come through with flying colors. And then I did a very surprising thing, I kissed her cheek and said "You are loved". And without a second glance back I walked back to the waiting car where my mother pulled away with me sitting in the front seat amazed and what I had just done.

I have never been afraid (in my youth particularly) to approach strangers and touch them, sometimes hug them, sometimes just have the ability to say the right thing at the right time. It's a gift I've always had, but its been dormant for so long I had begun to wonder if it really existed.

Today, I felt it again. I felt that pull, and that compulsion to say or do something that just *may* have helped another tremendously. It is an amazing thing to touch someone's soul and see the light inside go on no matter if it's just a flicker. There just are no words for it.

I am sad today for my loss of life giving organs. I am sad today for a woman I do not even know who wants to better her health and take care of her daughter. I am sad for so many that go without that touch from a stranger that says I care. I'll cry more for my issues,I am sure, but right now, I am calm.

I wish that woman well. I truly hope whatever light she felt today stays with her and somehow helps her. Instead of praying for myself right now, I'm praying and lighting a candle for her. May her heart feel it and respond and may your heart feel it and respond too. Because I have enough for everyone; everyone who wants it, can have it... Because I love you all in my own special way.

xo
Muse

Options, Statistics, & another visit to the Happy Hospital...

“In the depths of winter, I discovered within me, an invincible summer.” ~Albert Camus

~*~
"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the strong – because someday you will have been all of these." ~George Washington Carver
~*~
Today's Affirmation
I am a child of Light.

~*~*~*~*~*~
I love the highlighted quote above… It’s just beautiful to me today.

Today I meet with the doctor again (the surgeon really) to discuss the alternatives she presented to me. Like an audience at a tennis match, as I think of the options given to me and the varying degrees of emotions that people I’ve spoken to have feelings them… I watch the favor in my choice options bounce back and forth over the net of my sanity. One moment I think the surgery is best, the next I think using hormone therapy is better. Statistics and history is what it boils down to.

I’ll have more to say after the appointment I’m sure. So for now I’ll leave you with thank you’s to those who responded to last night’s post. I wasn’t sure I should share it but thank you for understanding.

Xo

The depths of lonliness

Each day is a journey in struggle for me with regards to this cancer scare. It's worse on Sunday nights like tonight when I know that technically I go back to the land of cancer and statistics, surgery, and options in a matter of hours. It turns me into the petulant child begging for 30 more minutes staving off the vestiges of sleep and dreams as I did before going back to school on a monday.

On the weekends I live in a place where I don't have cancer, never did sometimes (least it feels that way). I have friends online who don't even speak of my cancer (unless I bring it up). I have a house to myself where I don't have someone pressing for more information about diagnosis or pushing me to make phone calls or get ready for the next day.

~*~

First, forgive me the haphazard smattering of thoughts here, it's 9:30pm as I write this and for the first time this weekend the tears have flown freely with regards to this, which is a change.... Usually they're expressed in solitude after all the folks who repeat the mantras "It will be fine, you'll be fine, the surgery is the best bet, you can get a handle on this, it is what it is" and the best one "You just have to deal with it" have left my side so I can be alone with my grief.

Please do not think me ungrateful for the well wishes and positivity. I would be in far worse shape without them, I know this.

~*~

But I know right now at 9:35pm as I sit here, that I feel so alone. Worries of the surgery, the complications, the healing, the life after surgery are upon me. Sadness that I have no one in my life to help watch over me (living with me, a partner if you will) to help take care of me, adds to the cauldron of emotions that threaten to bubble over if unmanaged. I know people try to understand. But as I noticed on Saturday while at brunch with wonderfully close friends especially as I reached out outside the car window when we said goodbye, reaching to touch her once more as my car began to drive away, wanting that contact once again just how truly scared I was and how deeply alone I truly feel.

I've never been one to sit at a table of friends and not have something to contribute. I listened, I shared, I smiled, but I sat alone with my own issues. I had a great time but there was this part of me that couldn't express what one who's never been through this would understand.

It was ok, I went home and prepared again to dive into my seclusion, my place of safety...

And then I got an infection at 1am.

The last day of my weekend of freedom was torn apart by a rather common nasty infection that had me at the immediate care and yet again spending money I didn't have on doctor's visits and prescriptions. The only good moment was that these doctors were so kind, and so genuinely concerned for me. They took so much time to talk to me it brought me to tears on more than one occasion.

Then I went home to try and reclaim my escape... but I couldn't. The bubble had been burst and the truth lay before me as starkly as if it were presented naked on a silver platter.

I dont even know why I'm posting this, it's very personal, and infused with such emotion.

~*~

Along with life, there are highs and lows. Along with major events, there are extreme highs and extreme lows. I think I posted this because tomorrow I'll wake up and find an affirmation or some prayer and I'll be so moved to share it to give it to everyone that they may all use it, that I'll forget even temporarily how I feel right now, this very second. Maybe that's good, but you can't have light without the dark. And at moments like these, when I go to bed tonight looking at the starless sky, I realize that, my world has never seemed darker...and I have never felt more alone than I do right now.

Sleep well,
Muse

PS. And one last thing. I turn 35 in a few days. I know no one ever plans to be in this situation. It's not like anyone really says "Hey! When I'm 35 I want to have Cancer!", but you know what? My life wasn't supposed to be like this. Selfish? maybe... but that's how I feel right now...

The Real Me (For my Poetry Thursday Poem)

I slip comfortably between the satin of my new life
Wearing another facade is normal for me
For it us underneath the real muse is seen
But like children peeking, searching
Who I am is still left to unfold

Like the rose blossoms wider, fuller
Each layer is a facet of me
Individually alone
Collectively breathtaking
Like a hidden gem to be excavated...

I'm still ensconced in my past.

And there the child smiles at me
Her hands closed gently
Light filters through the short fingers
Trapped inside the mind of a child
Is the real me.

Do you see?

A Memory Today...Music Boxes & the Muses Imagination *LONG Post*

I lit more candles today. Thank you everyone for the prayers. Thank you for coming BACK and offering more. I tear up when I read them. Call me sentimental if you wish, I’m ok with that. It’s far too easy for me to forget when I get depressed or down, just how many people care for me. And it’s hard for me to remember that even if just ONE person cared, that this is enough. I am not an ungrateful person… I just get mired down in thoughts sometimes that cloud my vision. So today’s opening quote is a thank you, a major thank you to EVERYONE who has come across my life. To those who came just for a moment, and those who have perched themselves on my shoulders and in my heart permanently. Right now, this very moment, I am full of gratitude for your presence.

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When I was a little girl, I used to have this music/jewelry box. Now, I wasn’t the sort of girl who would NEED a music/jewelry box, but it was typically the gift to give little girls. I however, was a tomboy. When little girls were having tea, I was playing touch football with the guys, racing dirt bikes and crawling around in the dirt playing Army. Goodness knows my mother spent more time in the immediate care with all my cuts, bruises, scrapes and stitches, than she did combing my hair and putting pretty ribbons in it.

But one year, as a gift I got this music box. (I don’t even remember when or from whom that I got it.) It was very ordinary, just like any music box you’d see. It was wood on the outside and lined with pink satin on the inside. And when you opened it up, a little ballerina would pop up and twirl about to some enchanting music. Of all the little girl gifts I got (most not even remembered) this one was my favorite.

I have always had a very active imagination. I remember thinking that within this box was a whole world undiscovered. I had some vague notion similar to the story of the Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, that this music box was my portal to another world. In this world, I can remember thinking that we never went without. If there was a toy I wanted or a place I wanted to go, I had to only think it, and *poof* I’d be there, or I’d have the toy in my hand.

I remember dreaming of this music box, and in my dreams I would open it up and the room would be filled with rainbows and stars and all sorts of things to make you sigh in contentedness. Well things to make a little girl be happy ;) Oh how I loved to daydream about that box, and the world it contained, and I did so very often...

Until the day my grandmother died.

My grandmother was my creative maestro always cultivating my imagination and letting my wild stories take flight. Looking back now as an adult seeing through my child eyes, my grandmother always radiated light. As a child I could see it, as an adult I had forgotten it. I truly think that she was an angel. Her passing devastated me more than the loss of my brother at my side when I was adopted. (We were not adopted together). It was the saddest moment in my life when I lost her.

It was also the day I threw the music box away.

I closed the lid the day of the funeral, and the dancer disappeared. The rainbows and stars winked out of sight as I tossed the music box in the garbage mindless of the few notes it rang out trying to get my attention again; begging me to play. When I tossed it in the garbage that day, I said goodbye to my childhood imagination.

I grew up that day. I grew stronger (or so I thought) by being there for everyone else while my heart broke into a thousand pieces, each one shattering upon impact on a cold floor. I remember vividly turning the fountain of tears inward so no one would see my pain. It was after all my mother’s mother who had passed, and she needed strength… I was determined to be what my grandmother was for everyone else… quiet strength. From that moment on I endeavored to be *just* like her, my role model… I endeavored even back then to be quietly strong, sweetly supportive, and openly loving. It was such a tremendous burden I placed on my tiny little shoulders when I should have been grieving; I just hadn’t realized it at the time.

Time went on, I moved on and now the past catches up with the present.

When I sat here thinking about what to write, I couldn’t decide what to write about. So I thought of my past thinking “Oh lets share a funny story” and instead the story wrote itself. I like to think in reflection here, that I’ve become something like my grandmother and at least made her proud because I DO care, I TRY to be strong, and I love nothing more than being there FOR others. But that’s not what today’s memory is about…

As I write this today, I remember that world I made through that music box, and while I didn’t know it at the time, it’s clear to me now; even as a child, I was building my sanctuary. That world represented to me all that was safe. I was the piper playing songs in a land of freedom, where butterflies flew about of all colors and rainbows went on for days. Where death didn’t come knocking on your door uninvited and was in fact, banned from all celebrations.

Today for the first time, despite my darkness, I can hear the chimes of that music box. I remember the song it played almost perfectly. It’s like a door to be opened I suppose, one where my past meets my present and maybe they shake hands and acknowledge each other.

The memory of my grandmother too is on my mind today, and while I remember her passing with bittersweet sadness, there is joy too. Because in her remembrance I’ve allowed her light that was always there for me to shine INSIDE me today. She has yet again become my maestro stirring my creativity and my spirit by bringing my music box back to me and bringing me out of the dark even if just for a moment. So my shared memory today … is a good one, full of love and imagination.

I light a candle for her today in her passing. I light a candle for myself today in gratitude of the gift she has given me that fills me with warmth and makes me smile.

Perhaps you have someone you would like to light a candle for too?

Oh and by the way, it should be noted that while I forgot about the world of childhood imagination, I never did forget about that music box entirely… I started collecting Music boxes and snow globes a few years ago, I just didn’t realize until now that I was remembering my old music box by doing so until today ;)

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WELL WISHES

May you find your “music box” today. May the joy of Friday find your inner child and imagination thriving. And if it’s all too quiet in your world, may my love and wishes for you help you open the lid of your music box and let your dancer dance and the music sing for you. That is my wish for you today.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

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AND REMEMBER

Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere. ~Carl Sagan

Follow Your Heart... *Update*

You can choose to follow your heart always. ~Don Miguel Ruiz

We don't need to know or prove anything. Just to be, to take a risk and enjoy your life, is all that matters. Say no when you want to say no, and yes when you want to say yes. You have the right to be you. ~Don Miguel Ruiz

'You are Life passing through your body, passing through your mind, passing through your soul. Once you find that out, not with logic, not with the intellect, but because you can feel that Life - you find out that you are the force that makes the flowers open and close, that makes the hummingbird fly from flower to flower. You find out that you are in every tree, and you are in every animal, vegetable, and rock. You are that force that moves the wind and breathes through your body. The whole universe is a living being that is moved by that force, and that is what you are. You are Life.' ~Don Miguel Ruiz

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I do love Don Miguel Ruiz's teaching and quotes. They give me peace. I have both his books The Four Agreements & The Mastery of Love. I hope to get his other books someday, specifically: The Voice of Knowledge; A Practical Guide to Inner Peace, Prayers; A Communion With Our Creator, & Beyond Fear; A Toltec Guide to Freedom & Joy.

I've never been much of a self help afficiondo, but something happened when I read his book, that hasn't happened when I tried to read other's books (like Dr. Phil or whomever).... It was almost like I got it. I knew what he was saying, internally. It was easy to attribute what he was saying in my life and therefore...it stuck. I'm not perfect (we ALL know that :P) but I try and the wisdom that has resonated with me the most was his. So today's quotes are all from him.

Today's post will be short, as I'm not well today. I spent the better part of yesterday afternoon in a fair amount of pain at work and it seems this has extended into today as well. So rather than try to fight it, I'm staying home to meet it head on and hopefully with some sleep and warmth make it go away.

Many thanks to everyone for continuing to light candles. Remember if you put the group SKYE, it will be easier for folks to come and see what you're praying for whether it be me or another loved one, or just sending good wishes. I promise that every other day I will be lighting more for people. it's an easy way to have peace and to share love. What a wonderful thing to do. Thank you for those candles lit for me *big hugs* I cherish everyone.

As far as an update:

I see the doctor on 9-18 to discuss in detail the procedure, discuss alternatives, and make sure no question is left unanswered.

On 10-3 I have an appointment for pre-surgery admittance, blood work up and such.

On 10-9 I will have the surgery in the afternoon, time is yet undetermined (unless an alternative to the surgery is chosen).

I know it's short and sweet but really that's all there is right now. Emotional issues just have to wait a bit until the cold hard facts are expressed and dealt with.

Be well everyone, This is my wish for you today... Just be well

XO

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WELL WISHES
May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you
~Irish Blessing

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AND REMEMBER

Count your joys instead of your woes; count your friends instead of your foes. ~Irish Proverb

The In-Between of my Story...

"I am in between stories. The old one is gone, and the new one is just beginning to take shape. When we already have a story we are heavily identified with, whether we appear to like this story or not, it is difficult to stay awake, to watch our thoughts and feelings without letting them dictate our actions. A clear story about who we are makes it hard to wait and let our actions arise from the deep and open emptiness of experiencing who we are right now, makes it difficult to allow actions to arise that may be inconsistent with how our story says we should move."  ~Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Quote is taken from page 168 of: The Call: Discovering Why You Are Here
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I see trees of green, red roses too. I see them bloom for me and you.And I think to myself what a wonderful world. I see skies of blue and clouds of white. The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night. And I think to myself… what a wonderful world.--Louis Armstrong
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Today's Meditation
Mother/Father/God/Creator, I find myself in the middle of transformation both personally and globally.   So much of what I once believed to be the story of life is falling away because it is no longer meaningful or useful, and the new story has not completely manifest.   I catch glimpses of what might be as if through fog on a cool morning.   I take a deep breath and relax into your peaceful presence.   I am content to allow everything to unfold according to your perfect plan.   I have opened my heart and mind as wide as I am able to receive what you have in Mind for me.   I trust that you are at work in each moment of each day.   I trust that the story of my life is unfolding in the most glorious way, one page at a time.    

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Today’s post is long but it’s full of a whole lotta light-ness.  Thank you so much to all the folks who lit candles yesterday for either me, or for other loved ones.  All in all, we had 32 candles lit spanning 3 countries!  It was lovely this morning to go to that page and see candles lit some burning down from last night and some new ones.  I intend to light them as often as I can as it gave me much peace to do so.  I also sent a few lit candles via yahoo instant messenger and spread some love last night.  It was a wonderful night.

I have printed the candles that were lit for me, and they will all go in my little “Book of Light” as a reminder of the joy you all gave me that day.  

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DAILY INSPIRATION

Observing EvolutionAllowing Others to Walk Their Paths

Watching a loved one or a peer traverse a path littered with stumbling blocks can be immensely painful. We instinctively want to guide them toward a safer track and share with them the wisdom we have acquired through experience. Yet all human beings have the right to carve their own paths without being unduly influenced by outside interference. To deny them that right is to deny them enlightenment, as true insight cannot be conveyed in lectures. Rather, each individual must earn independence and illumination by making decisions and reflecting upon the consequences of each choice. In allowing others to walk their paths freely, you honor their right to express their humanity in whatever way they see fit. Though you may not agree with or identify with their choices, understand that each person must learn in their own way and at their own pace.

The events and circumstances that shape our lives are unique because each of us is unique. What touches one person deeply may do nothing more than irritate or confound another. Therefore, each of us is drawn to different paths-the paths that will have the most profound effects on our personal evolution. If you feel compelled to intervene when watching another human being make their way slowly and painfully down a difficult path, try to empathize with their need to grow autonomous and make their own way in the world. Should this person ask for your aid, give it freely. You can even tell them about your path or offer advice in a conscious loving way. Otherwise, give them the space they need to make their own mistakes, to enjoy the fruits of their labors, to revel in their triumphs, and to discover their own truths.

The temptation to direct the paths of others is a creature of many origins. Overactive egos can convince us that ours is the one true path or awaken a craving for control within us. But each person is entitled to seek out their path leading from the darkness into the light. When we celebrate those paths and encourage the people navigating them, we not only enjoy the privilege of watching others grow-we also reinforce our dedication to diversity, independence, and individuality.

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WELL WISHES
I wish you all a fabulous Wednesday today.  May your labors be fruitful, your fun be abundant, and your love be expressive.

You are a blessing to me today and everyday.
XO

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AND REMEMBER
"Everyone takes the limits of his own vision for the limits of the world."  ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, German philosopher

Life will take only as far as you dream of going while erecting impenetrable walls at the edges of your vision. To live a life without limits, therefore; it is imperative that you dream big.